1
00:00:52,151 --> 00:00:54,711
You look good with
a big nose, actually.
2
00:00:54,754 --> 00:00:58,053
You could become a great
classical actor
3
00:00:58,090 --> 00:00:59,921
and be taken seriously.
4
00:01:03,062 --> 00:01:05,189
I got a little crevice,
can you see that there?
5
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,665
See?
6
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,328
- Yes.
- That's fizzy drinks.
7
00:01:10,369 --> 00:01:13,236
- Yeah.
- And I don't think the color is great.
8
00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:15,467
What do you think?
Have a look at the color.
9
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:18,341
I saw the color
last time I looked.
10
00:01:18,377 --> 00:01:20,072
It registered.
11
00:01:20,112 --> 00:01:22,478
It's what I'd call
"not white."
12
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,449
- Well...
- What color would you call it?
13
00:01:24,483 --> 00:01:27,111
I would... I'd concur
with "not white."
14
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:29,121
I'd go further.
15
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,123
I mean,
it's not yellow.
16
00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,455
I, you know...
17
00:01:33,492 --> 00:01:35,517
it's a sliding scale,
isn't it, you know.
18
00:01:35,561 --> 00:01:38,724
- Yeah.
- I think you're...
19
00:01:38,764 --> 00:01:40,459
- you're a...
- Hint of yellow.
20
00:01:40,499 --> 00:01:43,127
- Closest to...
- Barley meadow.
21
00:01:44,503 --> 00:01:47,700
- If you wanna give it...
- Tuscan sunset?
22
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:49,503
If you want...
23
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,074
You're getting laughs
24
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:55,342
but it's not making
your teeth look any better.
25
00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:57,372
No, you know, so...
26
00:02:00,219 --> 00:02:02,278
Pub ceiling?
27
00:02:02,321 --> 00:02:04,312
The elephant man.
28
00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,955
Mmm.
29
00:02:07,993 --> 00:02:09,585
I think if your teeth
are too good,
30
00:02:09,628 --> 00:02:11,596
you get bogged down
in the leading-man thing,
31
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:13,427
and I don't want
that to happen.
32
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:17,027
I think you can
sleep easy at night...
33
00:02:20,105 --> 00:02:22,801
about the prospect
of being cast as a leading man.
34
00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:28,444
Now I haven't got any teeth
at all there on the bottom.
35
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,184
Thanks for that.
36
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,083
That was pleasant.
37
00:02:34,119 --> 00:02:36,553
Have another look.
Do they still look that color?
38
00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,318
- It's okay...
- Let yourself adjust...
39
00:02:38,357 --> 00:02:40,348
It's seared
on my retina.
40
00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:43,485
I think once people
get used to them,
41
00:02:43,529 --> 00:02:46,555
you actually...
actually, it's a nice color.
42
00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:49,432
I think you could decorate a child's
nursery in this color.
43
00:02:49,468 --> 00:02:53,131
Quite soothing.
44
00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:56,801
But you could have saved them a few bob
If you'd been cast as Dr. Slop.
45
00:02:56,842 --> 00:02:59,333
Yeah, but that's very
much a supporting role.
46
00:03:02,414 --> 00:03:05,941
- This is...
- Yeah, and? The point being?
47
00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,976
This is a co-lead.
48
00:03:09,655 --> 00:03:12,681
Well, we'll see after
the edit, shall we?
49
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:14,716
Do you not think so?
50
00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:18,361
Featured co-lead?
51
00:03:18,397 --> 00:03:20,024
It's not a cameo.
52
00:03:20,065 --> 00:03:22,226
It's not a cameo, no.
53
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,929
It's a supporting role.
54
00:03:23,969 --> 00:03:26,802
It's not a supporting role.
I mean, all the way through.
55
00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:29,936
Yeah.
56
00:03:29,975 --> 00:03:33,502
It's a co. It's a co,
it's an "and Rob Brydon."
57
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,411
- It's us.
- It's not an under.
58
00:03:35,447 --> 00:03:37,074
It's Steve Coogan,
Rob Brydon.
59
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,913
In fact, if we went
alphabetically,
60
00:03:38,951 --> 00:03:40,543
which I think is
the only fair way,
61
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:42,315
it would be Rob Brydon,
Steve Coogan.
62
00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:44,219
Yeah, but that would
just be ridiculous.
63
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,477
Ahem...
64
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:17,853
Groucho Marx once said
65
00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:20,723
that the trouble with writing a book
about yourself
66
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:23,387
is you can't
fool around.
67
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:26,296
Why not? People fool around
with themselves all the time.
68
00:04:30,302 --> 00:04:32,429
I'm Tristram Shandy,
69
00:04:32,471 --> 00:04:34,735
the main character
in this story,
70
00:04:34,773 --> 00:04:36,741
the leading role.
71
00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:43,107
Susannah!
Susannah!
72
00:04:44,316 --> 00:04:46,181
Susannah!
73
00:04:46,218 --> 00:04:47,913
There are those who say
74
00:04:47,953 --> 00:04:49,318
this is
a cock and bull story.
75
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,687
That's the bull,
76
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:53,316
my father's bull,
77
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,725
and I'll show you
the cock in a minute.
78
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:03,992
Susannah!
79
00:05:05,738 --> 00:05:07,729
Susannah!
80
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,571
- Is it started?
- Yes.
81
00:05:14,613 --> 00:05:17,912
- Yes, I... I think it is.
- Oh ma'am!
82
00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:21,980
- Shall I fetch the midwife?
- Yes.
83
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:33,192
These two gentlemen are my Uncle Toby
and Corporal Trim.
84
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:35,496
They're recreating
the Battle of Namur
85
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,126
where they both fought.
86
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:46,307
Get them forward!
87
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:49,542
Colonel Ingoldsby's orders, sir.
The flag is to advance
88
00:05:49,581 --> 00:05:51,640
to the ditch
behind the 50-pounder.
89
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,208
What?! The ditch?
90
00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:55,277
There's no such thing
as a ditch out there.
91
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,254
The ditch behind
the 50-pounder, sir!
92
00:05:57,289 --> 00:05:59,883
That is a ravelin.
A ravelin.
93
00:05:59,925 --> 00:06:01,586
A farmer
digs a ditch!
94
00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:03,857
- And so...
- Sir, get down!
95
00:06:11,303 --> 00:06:13,771
when I said this was
a cock and bull story,
96
00:06:13,806 --> 00:06:17,674
it was my cock
I was talking about,
97
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,701
not Uncle Toby's.
98
00:06:19,745 --> 00:06:23,237
After all, am I not
the hero of my own life?
99
00:06:23,282 --> 00:06:25,443
- Where's my chamber-pot?
- Master Tristram, where is it?
100
00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:27,679
What have you done with it?
Is it hidden under the bed?
101
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,881
- Where is it?
- You'll have to let out of the window...
102
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,412
I need to pee!
103
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,448
Lift your
nightshirt up.
104
00:06:35,894 --> 00:06:38,226
Poke your little pecker
out the window.
105
00:06:38,263 --> 00:06:41,323
Do you think the time might come
when you don't make much of a fuss
106
00:06:41,366 --> 00:06:43,061
about passing
your water? That's it.
107
00:06:52,644 --> 00:06:56,239
That is a child actor
pretending to be me.
108
00:06:56,281 --> 00:06:58,249
I'll be able to
play myself later.
109
00:06:58,283 --> 00:07:01,184
I think I could probably
get away with being...
110
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,245
18, 19?
111
00:07:03,288 --> 00:07:06,815
Until then, I'll be played by
a series of child actors.
112
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,759
This was the best
of a bad bunch.
113
00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:11,763
He's unable to convey
the pain or shock
114
00:07:11,797 --> 00:07:13,788
of such an event.
115
00:07:17,803 --> 00:07:19,430
I think I can.
116
00:07:19,471 --> 00:07:22,634
Susannah said I was doing it
exactly how you did it.
117
00:07:22,674 --> 00:07:24,869
It may be
the same noise,
118
00:07:24,910 --> 00:07:26,605
but it doesn't
have the emotion.
119
00:07:26,645 --> 00:07:29,341
Go on, then.
Show me how to do it.
120
00:07:38,857 --> 00:07:41,018
I was doing it
with a comedy,
121
00:07:41,059 --> 00:07:43,357
not a pantomime.
122
00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:47,264
Master Tristram!
123
00:07:47,299 --> 00:07:50,632
Come here, let me
fix it all better.
124
00:07:50,669 --> 00:07:53,331
Just about murdered you.
125
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:57,771
Oh my darling.
126
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,278
My dear darling.
127
00:08:00,312 --> 00:08:02,371
Yes, there...
128
00:08:02,414 --> 00:08:03,938
there, what happened?
129
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:07,850
This is my beautiful,
lovely mother
130
00:08:07,886 --> 00:08:10,047
Elizabeth.
131
00:08:10,088 --> 00:08:12,181
How did this happen?
132
00:08:12,224 --> 00:08:14,988
It was my fault.
I removed the weights
133
00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:16,722
- from the sash window...
- What?
134
00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:20,129
At Mr. Toby's request to make
mortars for the Siege of Namur.
135
00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:23,396
I wish now with all my heart
I had cut off something else.
136
00:08:28,273 --> 00:08:30,173
My poor little Tristram.
137
00:08:36,315 --> 00:08:39,284
So both my uncle
and myself were victims
138
00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:41,047
of the Battle of Namur
139
00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:43,350
even though it took place
years before my birth.
140
00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:47,325
I was not unmanned,
by the way.
141
00:08:47,359 --> 00:08:49,691
I was circumcised
like a lot of men...
142
00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:51,195
manly men.
143
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:53,198
I can't speak
for my uncle in that area,
144
00:08:53,232 --> 00:08:55,632
although even as a boy
I was curious.
145
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:58,693
Sir, where were you
injured during battle?
146
00:08:58,737 --> 00:09:01,501
- This stretch of wall...
- This one looks quite like me.
147
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,599
The front of the curtain
is the breast.
148
00:09:03,642 --> 00:09:06,406
- None of the men...
- There's a ravelin below this fosse.
149
00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:09,937
- I shall dig it now, sir.
- There was indeed, Corporal, yes.
150
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:13,884
I tumbled into it just... in the course
of the afternoon.
151
00:09:13,919 --> 00:09:15,944
Where exactly
were you injured?
152
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,956
I will show you
the exact spot.
153
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:19,651
Soldier, quick march.
154
00:09:22,661 --> 00:09:25,152
I received my injury
at nine of the clock
155
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:26,721
- just here.
- In the...
156
00:09:26,765 --> 00:09:28,790
in the ditch.
157
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:31,098
I'm getting ahead of myself.
158
00:09:31,136 --> 00:09:33,127
I am not yet born.
159
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,275
Mrs. Shandy's
took bad, sir,
160
00:09:39,311 --> 00:09:41,142
with the pangs, sir.
161
00:09:41,179 --> 00:09:43,943
They're coming thick and fast.
On my way to fetch midwife.
162
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:51,212
- She's doing badly?
- Yes, sir.
163
00:09:51,256 --> 00:09:53,383
With the pangs.
164
00:09:53,425 --> 00:09:56,986
When I was born, my father was
four years older than I am now.
165
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:58,963
So, given the family
resemblance,
166
00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:00,692
I thought I should
portray him
167
00:10:00,732 --> 00:10:02,529
as well as myself.
168
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,058
Walter! Brother Walter!
169
00:10:06,371 --> 00:10:09,397
Brother, Elizabeth
isn't well, Brother.
170
00:10:09,441 --> 00:10:12,569
- She's suffering from pangs.
- Pangs?
171
00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:15,273
I believe she was referring
to the birth pangs, sir.
172
00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:16,838
She's gone
to fetch the midwife
173
00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:18,782
- and fast...
- The midwife?
174
00:10:18,817 --> 00:10:20,751
No no no no.
175
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:23,346
Obadiah!
Obadiah!
176
00:10:23,388 --> 00:10:26,619
I want you to ride like the devil
to Dr. Slop's
177
00:10:26,658 --> 00:10:28,683
and tell him my wife
has fallen into labor
178
00:10:28,727 --> 00:10:30,524
and I desire him
to come immediately.
179
00:10:30,562 --> 00:10:32,962
I will not have
the midwife deliver my son.
180
00:10:36,001 --> 00:10:38,663
Come on! Come on!
Get up!
181
00:10:45,877 --> 00:10:48,812
You may find it surprising
that the method of my birth
182
00:10:48,847 --> 00:10:51,281
had yet to be decided.
183
00:10:51,316 --> 00:10:54,877
The cause was not too little planning,
but too much.
184
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,219
"I, Walter Shandy, undertake to arrange
for any confinement
185
00:10:58,256 --> 00:11:00,224
of Elizabeth Shandy
in London,
186
00:11:00,258 --> 00:11:02,590
and further undertake
to pay all expenses
187
00:11:02,627 --> 00:11:05,061
arising from
that confinement."
188
00:11:05,097 --> 00:11:06,894
Hmm.
189
00:11:06,932 --> 00:11:08,729
What is the smaller
writing here?
190
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:11,497
That's just small print.
You always get that.
191
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:15,335
This is the beginning
of all my woes.
192
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:18,070
I should have to
stay in Yorkshire?
193
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:20,010
Yes, only if you once
194
00:11:20,045 --> 00:11:22,377
already made the journey
to London by mistake.
195
00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:29,210
In the September
before my birth
196
00:11:29,254 --> 00:11:31,484
my mother, being pregnant...
or so she thought...
197
00:11:31,523 --> 00:11:33,423
insisted my father
take her to London.
198
00:11:33,458 --> 00:11:36,393
- You all right, my love?
- I'm fairly comfortable.
199
00:11:37,562 --> 00:11:39,621
Not long now.
200
00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:41,928
Just another two days.
201
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:49,233
Tell me, doctor, in your opinion,
is it a boy or a girl?
202
00:11:49,274 --> 00:11:51,606
I'm afraid, madam,
it is neither.
203
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:54,134
It is a phantom only.
204
00:11:54,179 --> 00:11:56,147
How can that be?
205
00:11:56,181 --> 00:11:58,172
This happens more
than you can know.
206
00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,816
L10.
207
00:12:06,858 --> 00:12:08,758
L10 to tell us
208
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,786
that it's wind
that is inflating you.
209
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:21,196
Any other time of the year
would have been fine, but...
210
00:12:23,942 --> 00:12:26,035
all my plums
will be spoiled.
211
00:12:30,982 --> 00:12:33,849
It's not the expense
that bothers me,
212
00:12:33,885 --> 00:12:36,217
but the disappointment
of losing a child.
213
00:12:36,254 --> 00:12:38,882
Walter, I too
have lost a child!
214
00:12:45,497 --> 00:12:47,829
No matter, dear.
215
00:12:47,866 --> 00:12:50,334
Don't fret.
Please.
216
00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:53,599
Unfortunately, due to
the length and discomfort
217
00:12:53,638 --> 00:12:56,971
of the journey, by the time
they'd arrived back at Shandy Hall,
218
00:12:57,008 --> 00:12:59,909
my father had decided
to implement the small print...
219
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,913
"The next birth
shall be at home."
220
00:13:03,448 --> 00:13:06,110
It is infuriating
221
00:13:06,151 --> 00:13:08,847
that Elizabeth
has this humor to...
222
00:13:08,887 --> 00:13:11,788
entrust the life
of our child
223
00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:15,088
to an ignorant old woman
when the admirable Dr. Slop
224
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,561
with all his
modern instruments
225
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:20,030
is so readily at hand.
226
00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,192
Perhaps she does not
care to let a man
227
00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:25,897
that close to her,
um...
228
00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:28,269
Her what?
Say it, man.
229
00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:36,141
By heavens, what's that?
Do you think she's to lay an egg?
230
00:13:36,181 --> 00:13:37,944
You know nothing
of women at all.
231
00:13:40,318 --> 00:13:41,979
Nothing at all.
232
00:13:42,020 --> 00:13:44,045
No matter.
The point is Slop does.
233
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:45,556
He knows them
inside out.
234
00:13:45,590 --> 00:13:47,387
He has a fine
brass instrum...
235
00:13:47,425 --> 00:13:48,687
Obadiah, you were quick.
236
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:51,560
- Fortune favored us.
- Dr. Slop.
237
00:13:51,596 --> 00:13:53,496
I only came to borrow
some pipe tobacco.
238
00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,470
Dr. Slop!
239
00:14:11,149 --> 00:14:13,344
Where the devil are you
going at such a rate?!
240
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,943
To fetch you, sir.
241
00:14:17,722 --> 00:14:20,714
I was telling my brother about your
fine brass instrument,
242
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,886
the one
with the hinge.
243
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:25,362
It was new invented.
It's called...
244
00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:28,389
- Forceps.
- Aye, the forceps.
245
00:14:28,433 --> 00:14:30,298
I like the look
of those.
246
00:14:30,335 --> 00:14:33,702
The forceps, they're in a bag
hanging off my bed-head.
247
00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:38,501
I could...
248
00:14:38,543 --> 00:14:40,636
No no, it must
be done properly.
249
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:44,108
Obadiah!
Obadiah!
250
00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:48,648
I'll give thee a crown
if thou dost hasten.
251
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:50,052
Thank you, sir!
252
00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:52,318
And I, another!
253
00:14:52,357 --> 00:14:53,949
Susannah!
254
00:14:57,229 --> 00:15:00,096
- Will you take a pipe, Doctor?
- I will.
255
00:15:00,131 --> 00:15:02,122
I'd say we had...
256
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:04,658
a good deal of piping
at Flanders, Doctor.
257
00:15:07,872 --> 00:15:10,898
Come on!
258
00:15:10,942 --> 00:15:12,534
I meant a pipe to smoke?
259
00:15:12,577 --> 00:15:15,273
Well, if it's smoke
you're after,
260
00:15:15,313 --> 00:15:17,281
then Flanders
was the place...
261
00:15:17,315 --> 00:15:18,942
at the Battle of Namur
262
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:21,248
- when the cannons were set off.
- Loosed.
263
00:15:21,286 --> 00:15:24,483
"Loosed" is the proper word,
Trim, yes.
264
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:34,259
Dr. Slop, allow me
to show you a map...
265
00:15:34,299 --> 00:15:36,563
...of such detail
266
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:40,332
and artistry as to make
a man's eyes water.
267
00:15:42,407 --> 00:15:44,102
I'm here, I'm here.
268
00:15:44,142 --> 00:15:47,703
Here, the City of...
come, Doctor, come...
269
00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:49,737
the City of Namur
as it appeared
270
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:52,147
to the besieging forces
that morning in 1695.
271
00:15:52,183 --> 00:15:53,980
The English
and the Scots
272
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:56,249
under the command
of General Ramsey
273
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,552
were positioned
in the trenches to the right.
274
00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:00,490
Now the dilemma
for the good general was...
275
00:16:00,525 --> 00:16:01,992
which way forward?
276
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:04,222
There were many directions
to choose from.
277
00:16:04,262 --> 00:16:06,992
It is my humble opinion
that he chose the best direction.
278
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:14,464
No, Brother, what happened
that day to you?
279
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:17,339
Is everything
all right?
280
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:19,309
You know...
down there.
281
00:16:22,847 --> 00:16:25,338
Almost there, sir.
282
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:32,117
Where does it hurt?
Where were you hit?
283
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:34,591
Sir.
284
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:36,253
This man's
lost his mind.
285
00:16:36,294 --> 00:16:38,728
I think the injury
may be in a delicate place, sir,
286
00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:40,697
which my master is
too modest to mention.
287
00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:42,723
Damn.
288
00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:45,463
Can a man be too delicate
too name his own privates
289
00:16:45,503 --> 00:16:47,733
yet strong enough
to fight a war?
290
00:16:48,907 --> 00:16:50,704
I shall have you
sent home, sir.
291
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,220
Unless this Obadiah
makes haste,
292
00:17:04,255 --> 00:17:06,280
the thing will befall
us without forceps.
293
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,753
Here he is!
294
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:11,523
Well done,
sir, well done.
295
00:17:11,563 --> 00:17:13,087
Good man.
296
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,201
A knife, have you a knife?
297
00:17:18,236 --> 00:17:20,136
I have a knife.
298
00:17:20,171 --> 00:17:21,763
Use your teeth,
Dr. Slop.
299
00:17:21,806 --> 00:17:25,401
Your teeth...
oh well.
300
00:17:29,047 --> 00:17:30,912
Ow, my finger!
301
00:17:30,949 --> 00:17:33,349
Now this, Dr. Slop,
is a book
302
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,717
- in which there is a fine engraving...
- I don't want to see
303
00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:38,348
your armies
at Flanders or anywhere,
304
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,790
and if I get my hands
on the blockhead
305
00:17:40,825 --> 00:17:43,259
who tied
these blasted knots,
306
00:17:43,294 --> 00:17:45,592
I'll kick him all the way
to bloody Flanders.
307
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,600
I have a book...
308
00:17:50,635 --> 00:17:52,569
"Colorful Words
for All Occasions."
309
00:17:52,604 --> 00:17:55,129
- Let me...
- I've got you, ma'am.
310
00:17:55,173 --> 00:17:57,471
Now, on cutting the thumb or finger
with the pen-knife.
311
00:17:57,509 --> 00:18:00,000
- There we go, the very word.
- No, I don't want...
312
00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:06,943
by the authority
of God Almighty,
313
00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:09,283
the Father,
Son and Holy Ghost,
314
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,810
and of all Holy Canons,
315
00:18:10,855 --> 00:18:12,618
and of the undefiled
Virgin Mary,
316
00:18:12,657 --> 00:18:15,182
- mother of Our Savior...
- May he be damned.
317
00:18:15,226 --> 00:18:17,524
I'll go fetch
Dr. Slop.
318
00:18:17,562 --> 00:18:20,861
No! No! No!
319
00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,993
"Unless he repent him
of tying such knots,
320
00:18:24,035 --> 00:18:26,128
may he be cursed
in his eye,
321
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,503
in his mouth, in his heart,
in his stomach,
322
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,770
- may he be cursed..."
- Doctor, midwife is here.
323
00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:33,141
The midwife is here.
324
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,806
And she's bruised the upper part
of her thigh, here.
325
00:18:35,847 --> 00:18:37,474
I'll come
and look at it.
326
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,244
You'd better look
into my mistress.
327
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,845
You're not fixin' to
use them on the little child?
328
00:18:42,887 --> 00:18:45,219
Yes, this is
the very latest.
329
00:18:45,256 --> 00:18:47,281
With these...
330
00:18:47,325 --> 00:18:48,883
I can extrude
the baby's head
331
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:51,987
before the mother has a chance
to mash its head to dough.
332
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,998
I can show you.
Captain Shandy,
333
00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,966
make a baby's head
of your hands.
334
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,991
You're to imagine
these sleeves
335
00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,765
are Mrs. Shandy's...
336
00:18:59,804 --> 00:19:01,465
funnel.
337
00:19:01,506 --> 00:19:03,804
- Funnel?
- Meat curtains.
338
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:05,776
Meat curtain?
Brother?
339
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:08,244
My brother knows
nothing of women.
340
00:19:08,279 --> 00:19:11,271
I insert
the forceps thus,
341
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,114
gently enclosing
the baby's head, you see?
342
00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:17,280
And then
I gently... tug it!
343
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,984
Ooh! Agh!
344
00:19:20,024 --> 00:19:22,288
Brother!
By my honor,
345
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,318
Dr. Slop has taken
the skin clean
346
00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:26,091
off the back
of my hand, man,
347
00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:27,927
with your... forceps!
348
00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:31,231
You've crushed my knuckles
to a jelly in the bargain.
349
00:19:31,269 --> 00:19:33,294
Lucky it's not
the baby's head.
350
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:36,830
A baby's head is naturally as soft
as a path of melon.
351
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:38,706
It's but a scratch.
352
00:19:38,743 --> 00:19:40,574
- Trim, fetch a melon. Run!
- Yes, sir.
353
00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:42,341
Nothing like
a baby's head.
354
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:44,177
- Nothing like one.
- Entirely different.
355
00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:55,022
- Melon.
- Thank you, Trim.
356
00:19:55,059 --> 00:19:57,118
Baby's head!
357
00:19:57,161 --> 00:19:59,391
This is a much more
accurate representation.
358
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:02,297
- Funnel.
- Funnel?
359
00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:04,267
All ready,
and then we merely...
360
00:20:07,071 --> 00:20:09,665
Had my father possessed
a more scientific mind,
361
00:20:09,707 --> 00:20:12,039
the tragedy of my nose
362
00:20:12,076 --> 00:20:13,668
could have
been avoided,
363
00:20:13,711 --> 00:20:15,906
but he was of
a more philosophical bent,
364
00:20:15,947 --> 00:20:18,438
used to arguing
from first principles.
365
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,474
So eventually
when I was born,
366
00:20:20,518 --> 00:20:22,110
I was delivered
with the very forceps
367
00:20:22,153 --> 00:20:24,053
that had crushed
the path of the melon.
368
00:20:35,266 --> 00:20:37,427
The baby's born.
You have a son.
369
00:20:39,237 --> 00:20:42,400
- Congratulations...
- I need something stiff...
370
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,170
but flexible
for a splint.
371
00:20:45,209 --> 00:20:48,110
- A quill, perhaps.
- Ooh, that'll do.
372
00:20:48,146 --> 00:20:49,875
What has happened
to my son?
373
00:20:49,914 --> 00:20:52,781
Doctor needs
to make a bridge.
374
00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:54,614
I'm not finished.
Susannah!
375
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,113
Susannah!
376
00:20:58,156 --> 00:21:00,886
- Doctor.
- Susannah.
377
00:21:00,925 --> 00:21:02,415
Hmm.
378
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,157
What has happened
to my son?
379
00:21:05,196 --> 00:21:07,426
There was
a small mishap.
380
00:21:07,465 --> 00:21:09,399
A mishap with
the machinery.
381
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:12,096
- Machinery?
- It is the forceps.
382
00:21:12,136 --> 00:21:14,604
He has merely...
383
00:21:14,639 --> 00:21:17,369
broken his nose.
384
00:21:17,408 --> 00:21:20,002
It had ever been
my father's wish
385
00:21:20,044 --> 00:21:21,636
to have a son
with a big nose.
386
00:21:21,679 --> 00:21:24,739
All the great men
of antiquity had big noses,
387
00:21:24,782 --> 00:21:27,182
a nose like
Caesar, Dante,
388
00:21:27,218 --> 00:21:29,686
Pythagoras,
Newton,
389
00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:31,916
Alexander the Great.
390
00:21:31,956 --> 00:21:33,890
But I'm getting
ahead of myself.
391
00:21:35,126 --> 00:21:37,117
I am not yet born.
392
00:21:37,161 --> 00:21:38,685
I'll attend the lady.
393
00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:40,220
No!
394
00:21:40,264 --> 00:21:41,788
Gee!
395
00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:44,529
Deirdre, confound you!
396
00:21:45,703 --> 00:21:47,671
Don't you touch those!
397
00:21:47,705 --> 00:21:49,969
Get off!
Get... back!
398
00:21:50,008 --> 00:21:51,976
My son is
not yet born
399
00:21:52,010 --> 00:21:53,841
and already
I am exhausted.
400
00:21:55,146 --> 00:21:57,546
Should we go and see
the fortifications?
401
00:22:03,354 --> 00:22:05,117
Mrs. Shandy...
402
00:22:11,529 --> 00:22:13,360
Get on the bed.
403
00:22:14,432 --> 00:22:16,263
The bed, woman,
the bed.
404
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:18,996
There is nothing
more important...
405
00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:20,629
than the choice of name
406
00:22:20,672 --> 00:22:22,367
in deciding
the future of a child.
407
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:24,398
Four fingers,
408
00:22:24,442 --> 00:22:26,273
- She's four fingers dilated...
- Good.
409
00:22:26,310 --> 00:22:30,041
The highest is Trismegistus
as in Hermes Trismegistus,
410
00:22:30,081 --> 00:22:33,778
the greatest philosopher,
the greatest law-giver,
411
00:22:33,818 --> 00:22:35,877
the greatest priest.
412
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,683
And he was an engineer.
413
00:22:37,722 --> 00:22:39,417
Then you should
call him that, then.
414
00:22:39,457 --> 00:22:41,982
The child should
be called Tristram.
415
00:22:42,026 --> 00:22:43,926
- Tristram, no.
- Tristram.
416
00:22:43,961 --> 00:22:47,488
No, Tristram's the worst.
Tristram is the dog's breath worst...
417
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:49,329
I know.
418
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:52,302
How did I come to be named Tristram
given my father's views?
419
00:22:52,336 --> 00:22:56,329
Well, even though my birth
is fast approaching,
420
00:22:56,374 --> 00:22:58,001
there's still
time to catch
421
00:22:58,042 --> 00:23:00,306
the tragedy
of my naming.
422
00:23:01,913 --> 00:23:04,177
Sir, it's the baby.
It's the baby, sir.
423
00:23:04,215 --> 00:23:07,707
He is as black as night.
Black as my shoes, sir.
424
00:23:07,752 --> 00:23:10,084
There, he's as black
as my shoe.
425
00:23:10,121 --> 00:23:12,248
We might lose
the baby, sir.
426
00:23:12,290 --> 00:23:14,349
The parson is here
and his horse.
427
00:23:14,392 --> 00:23:16,155
The baby
must be baptized.
428
00:23:16,194 --> 00:23:17,991
- Yes. Hand me my britches, please.
- No.
429
00:23:18,029 --> 00:23:19,553
There's no time
to get dressed.
430
00:23:19,597 --> 00:23:22,498
My mistress wanted to know
if it should be named after Captain Toby
431
00:23:22,533 --> 00:23:24,364
as he's the godfather.
432
00:23:24,402 --> 00:23:26,870
If my father had been sure
I was going to die,
433
00:23:26,904 --> 00:23:29,202
he would have complimented Toby
by naming me so,
434
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,401
thereby saving the name
of Trismegistus
435
00:23:31,442 --> 00:23:33,239
for one who
might survive.
436
00:23:33,277 --> 00:23:34,835
But he couldn't be sure.
437
00:23:34,879 --> 00:23:37,279
The name, sir,
the name, the name.
438
00:23:37,315 --> 00:23:39,215
- Trismegistus.
- Trismegistus.
439
00:23:39,250 --> 00:23:41,445
You're
a leaky vessel.
440
00:23:41,486 --> 00:23:44,319
Can you carry it the length
of the corridor without spilling?
441
00:23:44,355 --> 00:23:46,789
Trismegistus,
Trismegistus,
442
00:23:46,824 --> 00:23:48,655
Tris...
Tristram Gistus,
443
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:50,217
Tristram Gistus...
444
00:23:58,703 --> 00:24:00,193
Trisme...
445
00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:02,672
- Tristram?
- No, it's not that, no.
446
00:24:02,707 --> 00:24:05,608
There is no Christian name
beginning "tris" but Tristram.
447
00:24:05,643 --> 00:24:07,372
No, it's not Tristram.
448
00:24:07,411 --> 00:24:08,878
It has some
"gistus" in it.
449
00:24:08,913 --> 00:24:10,778
Tristram Gistus?
450
00:24:10,815 --> 00:24:12,282
Tristram Gistus!
451
00:24:12,316 --> 00:24:13,908
There is no
"gistus" in it, dear.
452
00:24:13,951 --> 00:24:16,283
It is my name and a very
fine name it is, too.
453
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,653
I baptize you in the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.
454
00:24:19,690 --> 00:24:21,954
Tristram Shandy.
455
00:24:21,993 --> 00:24:24,985
All is well. Little Tristram is
made right with God.
456
00:24:31,035 --> 00:24:33,560
"...Brethren,
this child is regenerate,
457
00:24:33,604 --> 00:24:35,936
grafted into the body
of Christ's Church.
458
00:24:35,973 --> 00:24:38,100
Let us give thanks
to Almighty God..."
459
00:24:43,681 --> 00:24:47,173
Look, ma'am.
460
00:24:47,218 --> 00:24:50,187
He is well.
461
00:24:50,221 --> 00:24:52,746
He's not
black anymore.
462
00:24:55,259 --> 00:24:57,887
Ma'am, look.
463
00:24:57,929 --> 00:25:00,557
It's a miracle.
464
00:25:00,598 --> 00:25:02,088
You have not
forgotten the name.
465
00:25:02,133 --> 00:25:05,762
No, and the baby is well.
466
00:25:08,272 --> 00:25:12,140
My beautiful beautiful
Tristram Shandy.
467
00:25:12,176 --> 00:25:14,872
Tristram?
468
00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:21,576
My son has been cursed
from the moment of his conception.
469
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,286
Now, I forgot to mention this.
470
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,848
Well, it's not that I forgot.
It's more that I thought...
471
00:25:27,892 --> 00:25:30,417
I should save it until
we knew each other better.
472
00:25:30,461 --> 00:25:32,588
My father had
two domestic obligations
473
00:25:32,630 --> 00:25:35,827
and being a systematic man,
he liked to dispense them both at once.
474
00:25:38,169 --> 00:25:40,660
The first was
to wind the clock.
475
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,173
The second
was more enjoyable.
476
00:25:43,207 --> 00:25:45,937
Walter!
477
00:25:49,113 --> 00:25:51,479
You may be familiar
with Locke's Theory
478
00:25:51,515 --> 00:25:53,278
of the Association
of Ideas.
479
00:25:53,317 --> 00:25:55,751
It's been updated since
by Pavlov and his dog.
480
00:25:57,455 --> 00:25:59,946
If the dog hears the metronome
when he's being fed,
481
00:25:59,991 --> 00:26:02,926
the dog starts to associate
the metronome and food.
482
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,155
So in the end,
if he hears the metronome
483
00:26:05,196 --> 00:26:07,061
even when
there's no food,
484
00:26:07,098 --> 00:26:09,931
the dog starts
to salivate.
485
00:26:09,967 --> 00:26:13,562
A similar association of ideas
took root in my mother's head
486
00:26:13,604 --> 00:26:16,300
between one domestic
obligation and the other.
487
00:26:16,340 --> 00:26:18,831
As soon as she heard
my father winding the clock,
488
00:26:18,876 --> 00:26:21,606
she began to salivate,
as it were.
489
00:26:24,415 --> 00:26:26,713
Of course, it works
the other way around too.
490
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:28,582
After a while,
491
00:26:28,619 --> 00:26:31,144
if you give the dog the food
without the metronome,
492
00:26:31,188 --> 00:26:32,951
the dog produces
no saliva.
493
00:26:32,990 --> 00:26:35,720
So on the occasion
my father came home
494
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,285
and was feeling so keen
to dispense one obligation
495
00:26:38,329 --> 00:26:42,129
he skipped the other,
he surprised my mother...
496
00:26:42,166 --> 00:26:43,690
Walter.
497
00:26:43,734 --> 00:26:45,634
Elizabeth.
498
00:26:47,605 --> 00:26:52,167
...who was therefore unable
to produce any saliva.
499
00:26:57,415 --> 00:26:59,508
My dear...
500
00:26:59,550 --> 00:27:02,144
My dear, have you not
forgot to wind-up the clock?
501
00:27:10,328 --> 00:27:12,694
So it was the circumstances
of my conception
502
00:27:12,730 --> 00:27:16,496
were as confused
as those of my birth.
503
00:27:18,202 --> 00:27:20,466
Good night.
504
00:27:23,140 --> 00:27:24,698
Yowling won't help.
505
00:27:24,742 --> 00:27:28,200
- How is she?
- It may be some hours yet.
506
00:27:28,245 --> 00:27:30,543
- I can see the head, ma'am.
- Let me see.
507
00:27:30,581 --> 00:27:32,208
- Let me through.
- I'll fetch the...
508
00:27:32,249 --> 00:27:34,308
- No no no no.
- I can't see with the sheet...
509
00:27:34,352 --> 00:27:35,910
That's it, that's it.
510
00:27:35,953 --> 00:27:37,614
Lay her down flat! Flat!
511
00:27:37,655 --> 00:27:40,055
I can't work
like this! Flat!
512
00:27:46,163 --> 00:27:48,358
And... thank you.
513
00:27:48,399 --> 00:27:50,492
Thank you very much.
Okay, that's it.
514
00:27:50,534 --> 00:27:53,025
- We'll pick up tomorrow morning...
- Are we good?
515
00:27:55,773 --> 00:27:58,037
Okay, move
the set piece, please.
516
00:28:00,678 --> 00:28:04,136
Rushes screening at 8:00
for anyone involved in the battle scene.
517
00:28:04,181 --> 00:28:06,274
I can't actually
see the baby's head.
518
00:28:07,885 --> 00:28:09,648
Okay? All right, then.
519
00:28:09,687 --> 00:28:12,588
Mark, we're not doing the...
you don't want the birth today?
520
00:28:12,623 --> 00:28:14,682
No, tomorrow morning.
521
00:28:14,725 --> 00:28:17,523
- That's great.
- This scene's supposed to be
522
00:28:17,561 --> 00:28:19,188
about Walter's
love for his son.
523
00:28:19,230 --> 00:28:21,562
I don't feel very involved,
I feel quite peripheral.
524
00:28:21,599 --> 00:28:23,760
I don't think Mark's read
the book since he was nine.
525
00:28:23,801 --> 00:28:26,065
I'm not trying
to be greedy...
526
00:28:26,103 --> 00:28:27,934
Don't worry, you're
in it, definitely.
527
00:28:27,972 --> 00:28:29,599
I'm not saying that.
528
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,972
I've got to see
Debbie about shoes.
529
00:28:32,009 --> 00:28:35,035
All right, I'll get rid of these
and I'll take you to costume.
530
00:28:35,079 --> 00:28:36,546
- All right, okay, yeah.
- Yeah?
531
00:28:36,580 --> 00:28:38,047
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
532
00:28:38,082 --> 00:28:39,572
Should we take
this nose off now
533
00:28:39,617 --> 00:28:41,414
or should we do it
in the makeup truck?
534
00:28:41,452 --> 00:28:44,148
Yeah, 'cause I don't want...
my son won't recognize me.
535
00:28:45,189 --> 00:28:47,817
- Hey!
- Hello.
536
00:28:51,195 --> 00:28:52,787
- How are you?
- Fine, great, thank you.
537
00:28:52,830 --> 00:28:56,630
Oh...
538
00:28:56,667 --> 00:28:58,658
apple crumble
and custard.
539
00:28:58,702 --> 00:29:00,329
They made me eat it.
540
00:29:00,371 --> 00:29:01,838
Steve?
541
00:29:01,872 --> 00:29:04,136
I'll take you to costume
when you're ready.
542
00:29:04,175 --> 00:29:06,166
All right, Jennie,
this is Jenny.
543
00:29:06,210 --> 00:29:07,871
- Hello.
- Hello.
544
00:29:07,912 --> 00:29:09,903
This is Jennie also,
not Jennie too, Jennie also.
545
00:29:09,947 --> 00:29:12,939
Yeah, me and Jennie
were...
546
00:29:12,983 --> 00:29:15,508
flirting before,
but now that you're here,
547
00:29:15,553 --> 00:29:18,579
we're just gonna
stop that for a while.
548
00:29:18,622 --> 00:29:20,112
- Great, good.
- Okay? Good.
549
00:29:20,157 --> 00:29:22,591
She's so beautiful.
550
00:29:22,626 --> 00:29:24,184
- What's she called?
- Thank you.
551
00:29:24,228 --> 00:29:25,718
He's a boy.
552
00:29:25,763 --> 00:29:28,288
- Right, sorry.
- He's called Steven.
553
00:29:28,332 --> 00:29:30,197
- What, Steven like his dad?
- Yeah.
554
00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:33,301
- Hi.
- Hey.
555
00:29:33,337 --> 00:29:34,702
- Hello.
- You all right?
556
00:29:34,738 --> 00:29:37,036
- I'm good, how are you?
- I saw you sitting there.
557
00:29:37,074 --> 00:29:38,541
You want to be
in the movie?
558
00:29:38,576 --> 00:29:41,204
Don't, you're
upsetting him.
559
00:29:41,245 --> 00:29:43,941
Sorry, Steve, but Leo needs you
for a couple of minutes
560
00:29:43,981 --> 00:29:46,040
- to try out the womb. Is that okay?
- Now?
561
00:29:46,083 --> 00:29:47,778
Yeah, Jennie'll
take you over.
562
00:29:47,818 --> 00:29:50,582
- So, I've gotta go and do this, baby.
- It's okay.
563
00:29:50,621 --> 00:29:52,486
I'll see you later.
564
00:29:52,523 --> 00:29:54,548
- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
565
00:29:54,592 --> 00:29:56,719
Nice to meet you.
566
00:29:59,363 --> 00:30:02,161
Your wife's
very pretty.
567
00:30:02,199 --> 00:30:04,190
Yeah yes,
she's not my wife,
568
00:30:04,235 --> 00:30:06,726
but a... girlfriend.
569
00:30:06,770 --> 00:30:10,137
Yeah, she's just up
for a couple of days.
570
00:30:10,174 --> 00:30:12,665
Hi, Steve,
thanks for doing this.
571
00:30:16,046 --> 00:30:18,344
- Wow.
- That's the womb.
572
00:30:18,382 --> 00:30:20,612
When you're talking
to the camera as Tristram.
573
00:30:22,286 --> 00:30:25,255
Yeah, I know what it is.
It's just a while since I've seen one.
574
00:30:25,289 --> 00:30:27,553
Did Mark talk to you
about being upside down?
575
00:30:29,827 --> 00:30:31,692
- No, he didn't.
- Ah.
576
00:30:31,729 --> 00:30:33,993
That's what
we need to try out.
577
00:30:34,031 --> 00:30:36,522
Real wombs don't have
a window like that, though, do they?
578
00:30:36,567 --> 00:30:38,432
- Womb with a view.
- Womb with a view.
579
00:30:38,469 --> 00:30:40,733
So that's
very good then.
580
00:30:40,771 --> 00:30:43,239
Tell my mother
I'm sorry for everything.
581
00:30:44,275 --> 00:30:46,175
You'll be fine.
582
00:30:47,411 --> 00:30:49,504
You can let
the walls out now.
583
00:30:51,115 --> 00:30:53,413
Hey hey...
that's wrong.
584
00:30:54,685 --> 00:30:56,676
Okay, I'll try
the other way.
585
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,278
Yeah.
586
00:30:59,356 --> 00:31:00,914
Okay, lower him down.
587
00:31:02,293 --> 00:31:03,920
That's it.
588
00:31:07,598 --> 00:31:10,431
I just kept getting
caught a bit.
589
00:31:10,467 --> 00:31:12,196
That's it,
open the walls out.
590
00:31:12,236 --> 00:31:13,999
Right.
That looks great.
591
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,700
- It looks good?
- It looks great.
592
00:31:16,740 --> 00:31:18,833
You've put on weight.
593
00:31:18,876 --> 00:31:21,140
- Eh?
- You've put on weight.
594
00:31:21,178 --> 00:31:23,169
I've not put on weight.
595
00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:26,240
If I'm a fetus going off
to kick and stretch,
596
00:31:26,283 --> 00:31:28,308
that's what
fetus... feti do.
597
00:31:28,352 --> 00:31:30,616
Yeah, not when
they're full term.
598
00:31:30,654 --> 00:31:33,555
You see the baby
just about to be born,
599
00:31:33,591 --> 00:31:35,183
so he'd fill
the whole space.
600
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:38,093
He'd be upside down
and his head would be wedged
601
00:31:38,128 --> 00:31:40,153
in the mother's pelvis.
602
00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:44,760
How about filming
the other way around...
603
00:31:44,802 --> 00:31:47,327
the right way up,
and then just flip the image?
604
00:31:47,371 --> 00:31:48,998
Well, maybe,
but I'd have to have
605
00:31:49,039 --> 00:31:50,563
a word with
Mark about that.
606
00:31:50,608 --> 00:31:52,405
I mean, I think he
wanted the realism.
607
00:31:52,443 --> 00:31:54,104
- He wants realism?
- Yeah.
608
00:31:54,144 --> 00:31:56,612
Yeah, I'm a grown man
talking to the camera
609
00:31:56,647 --> 00:31:58,239
in a fucking womb.
610
00:31:58,282 --> 00:32:00,750
- Okay, all right, get me out.
- Get him out.
611
00:32:00,784 --> 00:32:03,810
Please, just get me out, he's...
he's a dick!
612
00:32:03,854 --> 00:32:06,982
- That's fine, Steve.
- All right, pull... get me out.
613
00:32:07,024 --> 00:32:08,958
- Get him out.
- Please...
614
00:32:10,728 --> 00:32:12,923
No, you jam me...
you're jamming me!
615
00:32:12,963 --> 00:32:15,488
Whoa! Easy! Easy!
616
00:32:15,532 --> 00:32:17,864
Easy, easy!
617
00:32:26,610 --> 00:32:28,510
- You all right?
- Yeah yeah.
618
00:32:30,214 --> 00:32:32,182
That was great, Steve.
619
00:32:32,216 --> 00:32:33,843
Really really good.
620
00:32:33,884 --> 00:32:36,148
- Well, good.
- That's gonna work perfectly.
621
00:32:36,186 --> 00:32:39,349
I think the clothes
make it tighter.
622
00:32:39,390 --> 00:32:42,325
It'll be all right
on the day.
623
00:32:42,359 --> 00:32:45,920
- I'm not doing it naked.
- Well, that's how babies are.
624
00:32:49,066 --> 00:32:50,693
But babies don't
have to be funny.
625
00:32:50,734 --> 00:32:52,998
I think you'd
look funny naked.
626
00:32:54,571 --> 00:32:57,631
Every man thinks
less of himself
627
00:32:57,675 --> 00:32:59,802
for not having
been a soldier...
628
00:32:59,843 --> 00:33:02,676
- Dr. Johnson.
- Yeah, well, you are one now.
629
00:33:02,713 --> 00:33:04,704
He would definitely
have worn a hat.
630
00:33:04,748 --> 00:33:06,306
He would
have worn a hat.
631
00:33:06,350 --> 00:33:08,443
- Well, I've got a hat.
- No question about it.
632
00:33:08,485 --> 00:33:10,009
I hate the hat.
633
00:33:10,054 --> 00:33:11,954
Yes well, you're not
Uncle Toby, are you?
634
00:33:11,989 --> 00:33:13,354
You're...
635
00:33:13,390 --> 00:33:15,051
Rob Brydon.
636
00:33:15,092 --> 00:33:16,753
Ah, that's it.
637
00:33:16,794 --> 00:33:18,523
I was trying to tell
my wife about you,
638
00:33:18,562 --> 00:33:20,223
but I couldn't
remember your name.
639
00:33:21,465 --> 00:33:23,399
Hi, Steve.
640
00:33:23,434 --> 00:33:24,901
Hi.
641
00:33:24,935 --> 00:33:28,393
This is... in the reshoots
for the big scene.
642
00:33:28,439 --> 00:33:29,929
I'm not in
the battle scene.
643
00:33:29,973 --> 00:33:31,702
No.
644
00:33:31,742 --> 00:33:33,869
- What do you think?
- Not bad.
645
00:33:33,911 --> 00:33:36,573
- The hat's a worry.
- It's historically accurate,
646
00:33:36,613 --> 00:33:38,911
so we have to wear it.
I don't like it either.
647
00:33:38,949 --> 00:33:40,610
- Jennie?
- Mm-hmm?
648
00:33:40,651 --> 00:33:42,949
- Can I get a coffee, please, love?
- Yeah, sure.
649
00:33:42,986 --> 00:33:45,978
- Rob, do you want one?
- Yes, please, can I have a macchiato?
650
00:33:46,023 --> 00:33:48,184
- Okay, I'll try.
- Thank you very much.
651
00:33:48,225 --> 00:33:49,886
Actually, Jennie,
can I have...
652
00:33:49,927 --> 00:33:51,622
one of those as well?
653
00:33:51,662 --> 00:33:54,153
Yeah, okay.
654
00:33:54,198 --> 00:33:56,257
- Shoes.
- Shoes.
655
00:33:56,300 --> 00:33:58,768
You worry because yours
are different from Toby's.
656
00:33:58,802 --> 00:34:01,032
It's not that, it's...
657
00:34:01,071 --> 00:34:04,199
Walter in all the scenes with Toby
is supposed to dominate.
658
00:34:04,241 --> 00:34:07,369
This would have been
covered in powder.
659
00:34:07,411 --> 00:34:09,709
Because of the heels,
it comes across that I'm...
660
00:34:09,747 --> 00:34:11,977
because I'm shorter,
I'm overcompensating,
661
00:34:12,015 --> 00:34:14,245
like I've got some
Napoleon complex, you know.
662
00:34:14,284 --> 00:34:15,751
So you don't
like the shoes?
663
00:34:15,786 --> 00:34:17,777
So we just have
to vomit on them.
664
00:34:17,821 --> 00:34:20,722
I should dominate totally
in those scenes.
665
00:34:20,758 --> 00:34:23,522
It should be like
I'm Gandalf and he's Frodo.
666
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:25,755
"You shall not
have the ring."
667
00:34:25,796 --> 00:34:27,423
Very good,
very good, Rob.
668
00:34:27,464 --> 00:34:29,091
- I do Steve as well.
- Can you?
669
00:34:29,133 --> 00:34:30,862
Can we just sort
the shoes out first?
670
00:34:30,901 --> 00:34:33,096
"Can we just sort
the shoes out first?"
671
00:34:33,137 --> 00:34:35,799
I've got a big house
in the Hollywood Hills.
672
00:34:35,839 --> 00:34:37,636
Look at my pole!
673
00:34:37,674 --> 00:34:40,108
See, that's Alan Partridge,
I don't speak like that.
674
00:34:40,144 --> 00:34:42,840
- I don't talk that way. Yes, I do.
- Stop it!
675
00:34:46,717 --> 00:34:49,948
So, Rob's too tall.
676
00:34:49,987 --> 00:34:52,114
- Or you're too small.
- No no no.
677
00:34:52,156 --> 00:34:54,147
No, Rob's shoes
are too high.
678
00:34:54,191 --> 00:34:56,056
Rob's short.
That's a good thing.
679
00:34:56,093 --> 00:34:57,617
- Hmm.
- That's why he was hired.
680
00:34:57,661 --> 00:34:59,424
The problem's
continuity because
681
00:34:59,463 --> 00:35:01,522
we've already shot quite
a bit with these shoes.
682
00:35:01,565 --> 00:35:04,090
It should stand straight.
These are just too floppy.
683
00:35:04,134 --> 00:35:06,659
This is not an ego thing.
It really is...
684
00:35:06,703 --> 00:35:09,171
it's... the shoes are
key to the character.
685
00:35:09,206 --> 00:35:10,764
The character's soul...
686
00:35:10,808 --> 00:35:12,503
It's coffee,
but it's not macchiato.
687
00:35:12,543 --> 00:35:14,067
Well, I don't understand
688
00:35:14,111 --> 00:35:16,272
why I'm here then,
in that case.
689
00:35:16,313 --> 00:35:18,508
- Great, okay.
- They want you to do it in costume.
690
00:35:18,549 --> 00:35:21,017
- Is that all right?
- This is wrong.
691
00:35:21,051 --> 00:35:23,019
This is
the wrong shoulder.
692
00:35:23,053 --> 00:35:24,714
You would fire
from that shoulder.
693
00:35:24,755 --> 00:35:29,488
Let's just try and get
the hats on them.
694
00:35:29,526 --> 00:35:31,551
Aha!
695
00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:34,463
I'm not a happy boy.
696
00:35:34,498 --> 00:35:36,489
Right.
697
00:35:36,733 --> 00:35:39,065
- Hey, Jennie, thanks. I'll take over.
- Hey.
698
00:35:39,102 --> 00:35:40,797
Thanks.
699
00:35:40,838 --> 00:35:42,430
- Thanks, Johnny.
- All right.
700
00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:45,271
Tony thought it would look good
if we had some crew in the background.
701
00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:46,674
- Is that okay?
- Yeah.
702
00:35:46,710 --> 00:35:48,371
- How you doing, boy?
- Good to see you.
703
00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:51,575
Can we start with knowing me,
Tony Wilson, knowing you Steve Coogan?
704
00:35:51,615 --> 00:35:54,140
- Now, how is that?
- Let's rise above that, shall we?
705
00:35:54,184 --> 00:35:56,049
- Okay, you're right.
- No, it's just...
706
00:35:56,086 --> 00:35:59,544
it's something a TV series
did a long time ago,
707
00:35:59,590 --> 00:36:01,421
and I'm trying to like...
708
00:36:01,458 --> 00:36:03,323
sort of...
709
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:04,918
- change the record.
- All right.
710
00:36:04,962 --> 00:36:06,589
Okay, sorry,
my fault, my fault.
711
00:36:06,630 --> 00:36:08,461
I did Rob yesterday
712
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,364
and he does a fantastic
impersonation of you.
713
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:13,198
They said, "When you got to make it
like Steve, make it like Steve Coogan."
714
00:36:13,237 --> 00:36:15,102
Well, Steve,
no matter what he's doing,
715
00:36:15,138 --> 00:36:16,730
is basically...
716
00:36:16,773 --> 00:36:19,071
Oh, you're so dirty.
717
00:36:19,109 --> 00:36:21,373
I mean that's basically
whether he's Walter,
718
00:36:21,411 --> 00:36:23,038
whether he's Tristram,
whether he's Steve,
719
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,547
or he's Alan Partridge,
720
00:36:24,581 --> 00:36:27,175
it all boils down to that.
Steve's hero is...
721
00:36:27,217 --> 00:36:29,651
is Roger Moore.
722
00:36:29,686 --> 00:36:31,654
And Roger Moore's
style of acting
723
00:36:31,688 --> 00:36:34,680
is not a million miles
away from Steve's.
724
00:36:34,725 --> 00:36:36,317
Yeah, I see...
725
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,193
impression I see as
a sincere form of flattery.
726
00:36:39,229 --> 00:36:41,163
He pretends he's taking
the piss, but he...
727
00:36:41,198 --> 00:36:42,688
he loves me, really.
728
00:36:42,733 --> 00:36:44,325
He's very
obsessed with me.
729
00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:46,700
Steve Coogan,
why "Tristram Shandy"?
730
00:36:46,737 --> 00:36:49,638
This is the book that many people
say is unfilmable.
731
00:36:51,174 --> 00:36:53,506
I think that's
the attraction.
732
00:36:55,245 --> 00:36:57,839
"Tristram Shandy"
was a...
733
00:36:57,881 --> 00:37:00,042
post-modern classic
734
00:37:00,083 --> 00:37:02,449
written before
there was any modernism
735
00:37:02,486 --> 00:37:04,078
to be post about.
736
00:37:04,121 --> 00:37:05,850
So it was way
ahead of its time
737
00:37:05,889 --> 00:37:08,858
and, in fact, for those
who haven't heard of it,
738
00:37:08,892 --> 00:37:11,224
it was actually
listed as number eight
739
00:37:11,261 --> 00:37:13,092
in "The Observer"'s
740
00:37:13,130 --> 00:37:15,223
top 100 books
of all time.
741
00:37:15,265 --> 00:37:17,096
That was
a chronological list.
742
00:37:17,134 --> 00:37:19,796
Right. Okay...
743
00:37:19,836 --> 00:37:22,361
If you want to see
the EPK interview,
744
00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:24,340
it'll be part
of the DVD package
745
00:37:24,374 --> 00:37:27,036
along with extended versions
of many of the scenes
746
00:37:27,077 --> 00:37:29,443
which should act as footnotes
to the main film.
747
00:37:29,479 --> 00:37:31,003
It is Tristram's story.
748
00:37:31,048 --> 00:37:34,017
It's called "The Life and Opinions
of Tristram Shandy."
749
00:37:34,051 --> 00:37:35,985
So I guess it would
be Tristram's story,
750
00:37:36,019 --> 00:37:38,249
whatever else
you might hear.
751
00:37:38,288 --> 00:37:39,915
Steven Coogan,
Tristram Shandy,
752
00:37:39,957 --> 00:37:41,424
thank you.
753
00:37:41,458 --> 00:37:42,982
Thank you.
754
00:37:43,026 --> 00:37:45,051
- Okay, thanks.
- Great.
755
00:37:45,095 --> 00:37:47,723
I was so pleased when
I heard you were doing this.
756
00:37:47,764 --> 00:37:49,288
It's my favorite novel.
757
00:37:49,333 --> 00:37:51,631
- Really?
- Yeah, I just love it. It's fantastic.
758
00:37:51,668 --> 00:37:53,636
Who's playing Widow Wadman?
759
00:37:53,670 --> 00:37:56,571
It's my favorite character,
Widow Wadman, in the book.
760
00:37:56,607 --> 00:37:59,235
- Right, she's not in the film.
- No?
761
00:37:59,276 --> 00:38:01,141
- No?
- It's a great love story.
762
00:38:01,178 --> 00:38:03,271
I know, in the book
it's a great love story.
763
00:38:03,313 --> 00:38:04,803
But there's
so much in the book,
764
00:38:04,848 --> 00:38:06,406
so rich, they've
gotta... you know...
765
00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,418
- It's sad, I understand.
- Loads of stuff in it.
766
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,113
You've got time
for a drink?
767
00:38:10,153 --> 00:38:11,916
The missus is here,
768
00:38:11,955 --> 00:38:13,422
- so...
- Don't you worry.
769
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:15,254
Let's catch up
in Manchester.
770
00:38:15,292 --> 00:38:17,055
All right, mate,
great seeing you.
771
00:38:17,094 --> 00:38:18,721
Lovely to see you again.
772
00:38:18,762 --> 00:38:20,286
- All right, boy.
- Keep it up.
773
00:38:20,330 --> 00:38:22,855
- God bless.
- All right, good luck. Thank you. Ed!
774
00:38:25,836 --> 00:38:28,828
Oh, Mark, I need to talk
to you about something.
775
00:38:28,872 --> 00:38:30,339
- Shoes, yeah?
- Yeah yeah.
776
00:38:30,374 --> 00:38:31,841
There's a bit
of a problem.
777
00:38:31,875 --> 00:38:33,399
- Talk to Debbie about them.
- Okay.
778
00:38:33,443 --> 00:38:35,206
We'll have a look
at rushes as well,
779
00:38:35,245 --> 00:38:36,906
go over the battle stuff.
780
00:38:36,947 --> 00:38:39,415
- Okay, it's a status thing.
- No, I understand.
781
00:38:39,449 --> 00:38:42,247
- Well, 8:00, is that right?
- Yeah.
782
00:38:43,854 --> 00:38:46,982
Steve? Steve, can I
grab a lift with you?
783
00:38:47,024 --> 00:38:50,118
The minibus has gone
and left me stranded.
784
00:38:52,229 --> 00:38:54,424
- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you very much.
785
00:38:54,464 --> 00:38:56,694
- Just hop in the back.
- All right.
786
00:38:56,733 --> 00:38:58,997
- It's quite chilly, isn't it?
- lsn't it?
787
00:38:59,036 --> 00:39:01,766
- Yeah.
- Brrr.
788
00:39:06,076 --> 00:39:07,873
Sorry, Steve.
789
00:39:07,911 --> 00:39:09,538
Blocking your way.
790
00:39:13,350 --> 00:39:16,342
I would do a screen test
for Alexander Payne, yeah...
791
00:39:16,386 --> 00:39:17,819
Steve, so would I.
792
00:39:17,854 --> 00:39:20,186
So would Rob Brydon.
793
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:27,452
Okay, I'll see you
back at the hotel. Okay, bye.
794
00:39:27,497 --> 00:39:30,091
- Sorry, that was my agent.
- My agent as well.
795
00:39:30,133 --> 00:39:32,533
She just wants to talk
to me about some scripts...
796
00:39:32,569 --> 00:39:34,594
- from America. Yeah.
- Oh, right.
797
00:39:34,638 --> 00:39:37,072
Fuck you, asshole!
798
00:39:37,107 --> 00:39:39,268
Fuck you,
799
00:39:39,309 --> 00:39:41,436
you son of a bitch...
asshole,
800
00:39:41,478 --> 00:39:43,275
fuck you.
801
00:39:43,313 --> 00:39:45,907
I'm taking you down.
802
00:39:46,950 --> 00:39:48,508
I hate battle scenes.
803
00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:50,452
I think they're boring.
804
00:39:50,487 --> 00:39:53,115
I just don't understand why
they're bothering to reshoot this one.
805
00:39:53,156 --> 00:39:55,886
- It doesn't make any sense to me.
- I couldn't agree more...
806
00:39:55,926 --> 00:39:57,757
I mean, there is
so much in that novel.
807
00:39:57,794 --> 00:39:59,557
Why would you
choose that?
808
00:39:59,596 --> 00:40:01,359
- Do you know what I mean?
- Exactly exactly.
809
00:40:01,398 --> 00:40:03,559
Why not choose Widow...
what's-her-name?
810
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:05,864
No no, 'cause that's
a love story, isn't it?
811
00:40:05,902 --> 00:40:08,268
Love stories are just as boring
as battle scenes.
812
00:40:08,305 --> 00:40:10,364
What is...
what is so original
813
00:40:10,407 --> 00:40:12,432
and exciting
about the novel
814
00:40:12,476 --> 00:40:14,671
is the "Tristrampedia."
815
00:40:14,711 --> 00:40:16,838
Where Tristram...
816
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:20,577
No no, it's where Walter
spends the entire pregnancy
817
00:40:20,617 --> 00:40:23,518
like compiling
this book of knowledge
818
00:40:23,553 --> 00:40:25,350
like an encyclopedia,
819
00:40:25,388 --> 00:40:27,413
just for his son.
820
00:40:28,692 --> 00:40:30,319
The Jewish custom
of circumcision
821
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,225
came to the Jews
by way of Egypt
822
00:40:32,262 --> 00:40:35,288
or possibly
from the Syrians
823
00:40:35,332 --> 00:40:38,130
or the Phoenicians
or the Capadocians,
824
00:40:38,168 --> 00:40:40,398
which suggests...
825
00:40:41,505 --> 00:40:46,306
that Zola and Pythagoras
and Ptolemy
826
00:40:46,343 --> 00:40:48,334
were all circumcised.
827
00:40:48,378 --> 00:40:51,472
If they submitted to it,
why not you?
828
00:40:52,516 --> 00:40:54,746
I think that's brilliant.
829
00:40:54,785 --> 00:40:57,549
Yeah, I loved
the dedication
830
00:40:57,587 --> 00:40:59,316
that Walter shows
to his son
831
00:40:59,356 --> 00:41:01,256
and I identify
with that.
832
00:41:01,291 --> 00:41:03,088
And then
you know, like,
833
00:41:03,126 --> 00:41:04,753
Tristram grows up
834
00:41:04,795 --> 00:41:07,229
and he's nothing like
his father wanted him to be.
835
00:41:07,264 --> 00:41:10,791
It just all goes wrong,
like we all go wrong.
836
00:41:10,834 --> 00:41:12,927
Because ultimately,
the way we turn out is just all
837
00:41:12,969 --> 00:41:15,938
- a matter of chance, you know?
- Yeah.
838
00:41:15,972 --> 00:41:17,803
I mean, like,
for instance,
839
00:41:17,841 --> 00:41:21,675
my mom spent her entire life
dedicating herself to me.
840
00:41:21,711 --> 00:41:24,271
She washed, she cooked,
she cleaned, she ironed,
841
00:41:24,314 --> 00:41:26,248
she worked
in the evenings.
842
00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:30,185
- She made her life a fucking misery.
- Yeah yeah, right.
843
00:41:30,220 --> 00:41:33,849
You ask yourself, "What... what was
that all about?"
844
00:41:33,890 --> 00:41:36,256
- The road.
- Yeah, sorry.
845
00:41:36,293 --> 00:41:38,261
I mean, yeah,
but you know,
846
00:41:38,295 --> 00:41:41,093
You do ask yourself, "What is that
all about?" You know?
847
00:41:42,933 --> 00:41:45,902
That should be
in the film.
848
00:41:45,936 --> 00:41:48,928
You know, originally
I was gonna play
849
00:41:48,972 --> 00:41:50,872
Tristram and Walter.
850
00:41:50,907 --> 00:41:53,774
Yeah, that's when
it was gonna be a sitcom.
851
00:42:03,587 --> 00:42:07,819
God, look at them!
This is gonna be massive.
852
00:42:13,797 --> 00:42:16,027
There's loads of them.
853
00:42:16,066 --> 00:42:17,863
They've all brought
their own tents.
854
00:42:17,901 --> 00:42:20,961
I didn't know they had
caravans in the 18th Century.
855
00:42:29,379 --> 00:42:31,074
Steve? Steve?
856
00:42:31,114 --> 00:42:33,309
How are you
doing, man?
857
00:42:33,350 --> 00:42:36,376
Knowing me, Gary Wilson,
knowing you, Steve Coogan.
858
00:42:36,419 --> 00:42:39,252
- It was eight years ago.
- I know, but everyone loved it.
859
00:42:39,289 --> 00:42:41,120
- I know they did.
- We met on the set
860
00:42:41,157 --> 00:42:43,921
of "Around the World" and in Cannes
for "24 Hour Party People."
861
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:45,791
- Oh right.
- What a night that was, eh?
862
00:42:45,829 --> 00:42:47,990
Well, I can't remember it,
it must have been.
863
00:42:48,031 --> 00:42:50,124
Yeah, indeed.
I spoke to Adrian,
864
00:42:50,166 --> 00:42:52,828
your agent, yeah?
I'm doing a profile on you for Sunday.
865
00:42:52,869 --> 00:42:55,360
He's here,
so I'll talk to him.
866
00:42:55,405 --> 00:42:56,633
Yeah, great.
Good guy.
867
00:42:56,673 --> 00:42:58,538
- Hello!
- Hello!
868
00:42:58,575 --> 00:43:01,237
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
869
00:43:01,278 --> 00:43:03,143
Nice to see you... aw...
870
00:43:03,179 --> 00:43:04,840
Nice to hear us.
871
00:43:04,881 --> 00:43:06,280
You look fantastic!
872
00:43:06,316 --> 00:43:07,783
- Really good.
- I look dreadful.
873
00:43:07,817 --> 00:43:09,512
No, you don't.
You look like a mom
874
00:43:09,552 --> 00:43:11,144
who's having
to do everything
875
00:43:11,187 --> 00:43:13,246
because her husband
is away filmmaking.
876
00:43:13,290 --> 00:43:15,281
She's got
a nanny.
877
00:43:15,325 --> 00:43:17,259
But she has a nanny,
so that's good.
878
00:43:17,294 --> 00:43:18,989
Yeah. I'll
see you later.
879
00:43:19,029 --> 00:43:20,621
- I need to go to the rushes.
- Okay.
880
00:43:20,664 --> 00:43:22,495
I'm going to try
and get him down.
881
00:43:22,532 --> 00:43:23,794
Can you give us
a hand?
882
00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:25,528
I'll go see Adrian
for five minutes
883
00:43:25,568 --> 00:43:27,195
- then I'll come back.
- Okay.
884
00:43:27,237 --> 00:43:28,636
See you later.
885
00:43:28,672 --> 00:43:30,469
- Hello.
- Hello.
886
00:43:30,507 --> 00:43:32,304
- How are you?
- Very well, thank you.
887
00:43:32,342 --> 00:43:35,004
- You just missed Jenny.
- No, I just saw her.
888
00:43:35,045 --> 00:43:38,173
Do you mind if I just have five minutes
to talk with Adrian?
889
00:43:38,214 --> 00:43:40,205
- Do you want me to go?
- Yeah.
890
00:43:40,250 --> 00:43:43,014
- Everybody's there, you should go.
- All right.
891
00:43:43,053 --> 00:43:45,078
- It's nice to see you.
- Catch you later.
892
00:43:45,121 --> 00:43:47,214
- See you later.
- Do you want a drink?
893
00:43:47,257 --> 00:43:49,987
Yeah, can I have
a vodka tonic, please?
894
00:43:51,494 --> 00:43:53,689
Mm... catering
must be good.
895
00:43:53,730 --> 00:43:56,528
It's just it has
all these running snacks.
896
00:43:56,566 --> 00:43:58,796
All snacks and no running
by the look of it.
897
00:43:58,835 --> 00:44:02,327
- I'm sorry about Gary being here.
- Yeah, I just saw him outside.
898
00:44:02,372 --> 00:44:06,103
He's a very
unpleasant man.
899
00:44:06,142 --> 00:44:08,406
Do you remember anyone
called Heather?
900
00:44:08,445 --> 00:44:10,606
- Gobbler?
- Gobbler.
901
00:44:10,647 --> 00:44:13,343
She's a lap dancer
902
00:44:13,383 --> 00:44:14,975
and by the sound
of what she says
903
00:44:15,018 --> 00:44:18,215
you'd got up to in your hotel bedroom
on the 20th of January.
904
00:44:18,254 --> 00:44:20,586
You ought to be able
to remember her.
905
00:44:22,625 --> 00:44:24,149
Oh fuck.
906
00:44:24,194 --> 00:44:26,458
- Did you have sex with her?
- No.
907
00:44:26,496 --> 00:44:28,327
- Drugs?
- No.
908
00:44:28,365 --> 00:44:32,893
- You didn't have sex with her?
- No.
909
00:44:32,936 --> 00:44:34,927
No, you didn't?
910
00:44:34,971 --> 00:44:38,532
No... I did.
911
00:44:38,575 --> 00:44:41,669
Anything weird?
912
00:44:41,711 --> 00:44:45,670
Mm...
913
00:44:45,715 --> 00:44:47,615
- no.
- Good.
914
00:44:47,650 --> 00:44:51,450
She's trying to sell
her story to Gary's rag.
915
00:44:51,488 --> 00:44:53,217
That's why he's here.
916
00:44:53,256 --> 00:44:55,747
I promised him a feature
if we can limit the damage.
917
00:44:55,792 --> 00:44:57,419
He just wants
to do a big spread
918
00:44:57,460 --> 00:44:59,928
on how your life
has completely changed
919
00:44:59,963 --> 00:45:02,727
since you've had a baby, you know,
very soft and fluffy.
920
00:45:02,766 --> 00:45:06,361
Well, I'm not able
to do that, so...
921
00:45:06,403 --> 00:45:09,998
- Well, just think about it.
- It's using my son.
922
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:12,838
- I'm not gonna do it. It's not proper.
- All right.
923
00:45:12,876 --> 00:45:14,776
Just do it.
It's done and it's over.
924
00:45:14,811 --> 00:45:17,109
- It's just...
- I know.
925
00:45:17,147 --> 00:45:21,140
Here are those scripts
from America.
926
00:45:21,184 --> 00:45:24,415
The best of
the bunch is HBO...
927
00:45:24,454 --> 00:45:26,752
an English aid worker
who loses his memory
928
00:45:26,790 --> 00:45:28,758
and falls in love
with his own daughter.
929
00:45:28,792 --> 00:45:31,158
I've read it.
It's rubbish.
930
00:45:31,194 --> 00:45:34,595
It's just...
it's TV...
931
00:45:34,631 --> 00:45:36,895
- At HBO they do a lot of good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
932
00:45:36,933 --> 00:45:40,494
I'm too young to play someone
who falls in love with his daughter.
933
00:45:40,537 --> 00:45:43,904
You'd have to be
a pedophile.
934
00:45:43,940 --> 00:45:46,568
I mean, you gotta try
to think two films ahead.
935
00:45:46,609 --> 00:45:48,577
Don't I need
two films for that?
936
00:45:48,611 --> 00:45:51,102
Yeah well, that's what
we're trying to do, isn't it?
937
00:45:51,147 --> 00:45:54,548
Well, there you go.
I'm gonna see Jenny
938
00:45:54,584 --> 00:45:56,677
- 'cause I've gotta...
- The scripts.
939
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:58,050
Ah, the scripts.
Yes yes.
940
00:45:58,088 --> 00:45:59,578
I'll add those
to the rest.
941
00:45:59,622 --> 00:46:01,453
Okay, I'll see you
at the rushes.
942
00:46:01,491 --> 00:46:03,959
- See ya later. Bye.
- See you guys later. Thanks.
943
00:46:08,198 --> 00:46:11,531
Steve, Steve...
this is David Ingoldsby.
944
00:46:11,568 --> 00:46:14,765
- A genuine 18th-century soldier.
- 17th century.
945
00:46:14,804 --> 00:46:16,669
You look good
for your age.
946
00:46:16,706 --> 00:46:19,402
The point is they've got
hundreds of enthusiasts
947
00:46:19,442 --> 00:46:23,742
and they're all willing,
able and... cheap.
948
00:46:23,780 --> 00:46:25,577
- Mm.
- Well, we'd do it for nothing,
949
00:46:25,615 --> 00:46:27,515
- to be honest with you.
- Don't tell him that.
950
00:46:27,550 --> 00:46:29,313
He'll have have you
doing it for nothing.
951
00:46:29,352 --> 00:46:32,116
It'll be great to have a photograph
with you, though,
952
00:46:32,155 --> 00:46:33,850
'cause I'm a huge fan.
953
00:46:33,890 --> 00:46:35,585
- Fire away.
- Do you want me to take that?
954
00:46:35,625 --> 00:46:37,991
- Just point and shoot.
- All right then.
955
00:46:38,027 --> 00:46:42,191
Dave's just been in
"Around the World in 80 Days."
956
00:46:42,232 --> 00:46:45,065
- Any battles?
- Well, not really.
957
00:46:45,101 --> 00:46:47,626
It was a Jackie Chan film.
Tell him...
958
00:46:47,670 --> 00:46:50,332
Do you know that
the best battle scene
959
00:46:50,373 --> 00:46:51,931
is in "Lancelot du Lac"?
960
00:46:51,975 --> 00:46:55,911
You know... yeah, that's right,
the Bresson film.
961
00:46:55,945 --> 00:46:58,209
It's just there are
these two knights
962
00:46:58,248 --> 00:47:00,148
and they're both
encased in armor,
963
00:47:00,183 --> 00:47:02,174
and they just keep
clobbering each other.
964
00:47:02,218 --> 00:47:03,651
You know,
it goes on forever.
965
00:47:03,686 --> 00:47:05,415
You're just hitting
and hitting.
966
00:47:05,455 --> 00:47:09,687
It's actually like a metaphor for life,
you know?
967
00:47:10,065 --> 00:47:12,795
It's about the impossibility
of actually connecting
968
00:47:12,824 --> 00:47:14,348
with another
human being,
969
00:47:14,392 --> 00:47:16,758
because we're all wearing
these carapaces,
970
00:47:16,795 --> 00:47:20,856
this casing,
this rubbish, really.
971
00:47:20,899 --> 00:47:23,732
And the more
they hit and hit,
972
00:47:23,768 --> 00:47:27,135
actually,
the less they impact.
973
00:47:27,172 --> 00:47:30,141
It's-it's just...
974
00:47:30,175 --> 00:47:32,302
really really moving,
actually.
975
00:47:32,344 --> 00:47:34,175
Mm-hmm, wow.
976
00:47:34,212 --> 00:47:36,510
- I'll see you later.
- Okay, see you later then.
977
00:47:36,548 --> 00:47:38,482
See you later.
978
00:47:41,653 --> 00:47:43,883
What was all that about?
979
00:47:43,922 --> 00:47:45,947
Yeah, she's a bit
of a film nut.
980
00:47:45,991 --> 00:47:48,357
You should hear her
when she's on about Fassbinder.
981
00:47:48,393 --> 00:47:50,384
- Fassbinder?
- I've got a list
982
00:47:50,428 --> 00:47:53,454
of the men
that fell...
983
00:47:53,498 --> 00:47:56,023
92 died
that morning,
984
00:47:56,067 --> 00:47:58,160
so your chap was lucky
to be alive.
985
00:47:58,203 --> 00:48:03,038
I could fix up your lot
with real, accurate names,
986
00:48:03,074 --> 00:48:05,804
and then they can shout out
their names to each other
987
00:48:05,844 --> 00:48:07,471
in the heat
of the battle.
988
00:48:07,512 --> 00:48:11,312
- What do we think?
- Thank you. That would be really...
989
00:48:11,349 --> 00:48:13,340
Have you seen
"Cold Mountain"?
990
00:48:13,385 --> 00:48:15,819
- Yeah.
- What do you think?
991
00:48:15,854 --> 00:48:17,845
I thought
it was good.
992
00:48:17,889 --> 00:48:20,084
I thought Nicole Kidman
was a bit old,
993
00:48:20,125 --> 00:48:23,151
- but I thought it was a good film...
- No no, the battle scenes.
994
00:48:23,194 --> 00:48:25,128
Oh, fantastic!
Very very good.
995
00:48:25,163 --> 00:48:27,791
That explosion
and when he jumps down...
996
00:48:27,832 --> 00:48:29,766
- That was the best one.
- It's shite!
997
00:48:29,801 --> 00:48:32,429
Utter shite
from beginning to end.
998
00:48:32,470 --> 00:48:34,768
Woefully inaccurate.
999
00:48:35,774 --> 00:48:37,241
Right.
1000
00:48:37,275 --> 00:48:40,369
We wouldn't be interested
in participating
1001
00:48:40,412 --> 00:48:43,848
- in a pantomime like that.
- Right.
1002
00:48:50,388 --> 00:48:53,323
Splishy-splashy water.
1003
00:48:53,358 --> 00:48:55,849
Look at you go!
1004
00:48:55,894 --> 00:48:58,590
Ooh! Oh God!
1005
00:49:01,433 --> 00:49:03,128
Oh dear.
1006
00:49:03,168 --> 00:49:05,636
- Will you bathe me later?
- No, I won't,
1007
00:49:05,670 --> 00:49:08,138
though you could
do with one.
1008
00:49:08,173 --> 00:49:10,801
- Those are pheromones.
- Uh-huh.
1009
00:49:10,842 --> 00:49:12,571
Can you do
the cot up?
1010
00:49:12,611 --> 00:49:14,135
A lot of women
find that sexy.
1011
00:49:14,179 --> 00:49:15,703
Daddy's gonna put
your cot up.
1012
00:49:15,747 --> 00:49:18,648
Ooh ooh ooh...
1013
00:49:26,491 --> 00:49:28,755
What's this?
1014
00:49:28,793 --> 00:49:31,023
Bach.
1015
00:49:31,062 --> 00:49:33,326
It has a calming effect
on babies.
1016
00:49:33,365 --> 00:49:35,560
My parents never
played me Bach.
1017
00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:38,228
They played me
New Seekers.
1018
00:49:38,269 --> 00:49:40,203
I turned out fine.
1019
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:44,001
You like Bach,
don't you?
1020
00:49:44,042 --> 00:49:46,909
Yes, it makes you happy.
1021
00:49:46,945 --> 00:49:50,073
- Jenny?
- Yeah?
1022
00:49:51,650 --> 00:49:54,175
Do you think I should have
my nose straightened?
1023
00:49:54,219 --> 00:49:56,517
Oh God!
1024
00:49:56,554 --> 00:49:59,717
Do you think I've got a character
actor's nose or a leading man's nose?
1025
00:49:59,758 --> 00:50:02,659
I think it's your nose.
1026
00:50:02,694 --> 00:50:04,753
I think when
the time comes
1027
00:50:04,796 --> 00:50:06,696
I'm just gonna have
a chin tuck
1028
00:50:06,731 --> 00:50:08,392
and then leave it
at that.
1029
00:50:12,570 --> 00:50:14,003
Shh!
1030
00:50:14,039 --> 00:50:16,200
He's just nodding off.
1031
00:50:21,046 --> 00:50:23,105
No, don't answer it.
1032
00:50:28,086 --> 00:50:29,610
- Hey.
- Hi.
1033
00:50:29,654 --> 00:50:31,349
Sorry to bother you,
1034
00:50:31,389 --> 00:50:34,085
but they're screening the rushes now.
When you're ready...
1035
00:50:34,125 --> 00:50:36,389
Okay, I'll slip into
something more comfortable.
1036
00:50:41,366 --> 00:50:45,735
- What is it?
- I've gotta go see the rushes.
1037
00:50:45,770 --> 00:50:48,170
- Sorry, baby.
- Do you have to?
1038
00:50:48,206 --> 00:50:50,197
Yeah, I won't be long.
1039
00:50:50,241 --> 00:50:52,641
At least I don't
smell anymore.
1040
00:50:54,245 --> 00:50:56,179
These bottles
are filthy.
1041
00:50:56,214 --> 00:50:58,910
Probably quite expensive.
You'd think someone would clean them.
1042
00:50:58,950 --> 00:51:00,474
- Hello.
- Hi, how are you?
1043
00:51:00,518 --> 00:51:02,349
- How are you doing?
- Okay.
1044
00:51:02,387 --> 00:51:03,718
- How are you?
- Good.
1045
00:51:03,755 --> 00:51:05,655
- How are the kids?
- Good.
1046
00:51:05,690 --> 00:51:07,658
- How many is it now?
- Seven.
1047
00:51:07,692 --> 00:51:09,819
- You've got seven children.
- Yeah, seriously.
1048
00:51:09,861 --> 00:51:12,227
One for every day
of the week.
1049
00:51:12,263 --> 00:51:15,892
See, now there's a good Groucho Marx
story about...
1050
00:51:15,934 --> 00:51:18,528
see, he meets a woman
with seven children
1051
00:51:18,570 --> 00:51:20,561
and says, "Why've
you got seven kids?"
1052
00:51:20,605 --> 00:51:22,766
And she says,
"Because I love my husband."
1053
00:51:22,807 --> 00:51:26,641
He says, "Well, I like my cigar,
but I take it out now and again."
1054
00:51:26,678 --> 00:51:29,203
Here's Mark.
Okay, let's sit. Great.
1055
00:51:29,247 --> 00:51:31,044
- Have you got the tape.
- Uh no...
1056
00:51:33,184 --> 00:51:34,879
Mark's put together
1057
00:51:34,919 --> 00:51:36,853
a rough assembly
of the battle scenes
1058
00:51:36,888 --> 00:51:40,119
and, as you all know, we had
very little money when we shot it.
1059
00:51:40,158 --> 00:51:44,117
We're all agreed that we have
a possibility of a very exciting film,
1060
00:51:44,162 --> 00:51:46,426
but with a slightly
small hole in it
1061
00:51:46,464 --> 00:51:49,228
where the battle should be,
which we need to reshoot.
1062
00:51:49,267 --> 00:51:52,498
But we can talk about that
after we've seen what we've got.
1063
00:51:52,537 --> 00:51:55,005
Okay, Peter,
I'll do the lights.
1064
00:52:06,351 --> 00:52:08,581
Mel Gibson's not
gonna lose any sleep.
1065
00:52:11,122 --> 00:52:14,057
The model is more
impressive than this.
1066
00:52:16,895 --> 00:52:18,988
Stand by cannons
to reload!
1067
00:52:19,030 --> 00:52:21,624
I am leading literally
tens of men.
1068
00:52:21,666 --> 00:52:24,191
- This is a pole vaulting scene?
- I think what we need
1069
00:52:24,235 --> 00:52:26,066
is a bit
of a score under it.
1070
00:52:26,104 --> 00:52:28,095
- Quite right.
- Who's the music composer?
1071
00:52:28,139 --> 00:52:31,233
We haven't made
any decisions about that.
1072
00:52:38,149 --> 00:52:40,014
That's great.
1073
00:52:40,051 --> 00:52:43,145
Well done, everyone.
Everybody, that's where we are now.
1074
00:52:43,188 --> 00:52:45,349
If anybody wants
to say anything?
1075
00:52:45,390 --> 00:52:48,689
I think that the...
that scene,
1076
00:52:48,726 --> 00:52:51,524
because it looks so cheap,
it actually makes it funnier.
1077
00:52:51,563 --> 00:52:53,326
It works 'cause it's funny.
1078
00:52:53,364 --> 00:52:55,264
Well, it's not
supposed to be funny.
1079
00:52:55,300 --> 00:52:58,861
Toby's supposed to be funny. The battle
is supposed to look like a battle.
1080
00:52:58,903 --> 00:53:01,929
You look really really good
in your costume.
1081
00:53:01,973 --> 00:53:03,634
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you looked great.
1082
00:53:03,675 --> 00:53:05,165
There's a problem
with that too
1083
00:53:05,210 --> 00:53:07,610
'cause some of the lead costumes
are out of period.
1084
00:53:07,645 --> 00:53:09,135
They're about
50 years out of date.
1085
00:53:09,180 --> 00:53:11,910
I think I saw a Roman centurion
at one point.
1086
00:53:11,950 --> 00:53:15,579
You either go for proper,
full-on "Braveheart"...
1087
00:53:15,620 --> 00:53:17,747
clearly,
that's not an option...
1088
00:53:17,789 --> 00:53:20,690
or you go for "silly man
in a comedy battle"
1089
00:53:20,725 --> 00:53:22,590
which is well within
our grasp.
1090
00:53:22,627 --> 00:53:24,595
The thing is
we need to reshoot it.
1091
00:53:24,629 --> 00:53:27,723
Gotta have the battle scene
or haven't got a whole movie.
1092
00:53:27,765 --> 00:53:30,131
Oh no, but wait a minute.
I was reading through
1093
00:53:30,168 --> 00:53:33,467
some of Joe's old drafts. There never
was a battle scene, was there?
1094
00:53:33,504 --> 00:53:35,699
- No.
- What about the chestnut scene?
1095
00:53:35,740 --> 00:53:38,174
Do you remember when you
asked us to finance the movie,
1096
00:53:38,209 --> 00:53:40,040
you acted out a scene
where you dropped
1097
00:53:40,078 --> 00:53:41,739
a hot chestnut
down your trousers.
1098
00:53:41,779 --> 00:53:43,679
I mean, that's why
we gave you the money.
1099
00:53:43,715 --> 00:53:45,239
Ahh.
1100
00:53:45,283 --> 00:53:47,251
Went well,
I thought.
1101
00:53:47,285 --> 00:53:50,277
Except it's not Walter
who does it, is it?
1102
00:53:50,321 --> 00:53:52,289
I mean, it won't be Steve
doing it in the film.
1103
00:53:53,391 --> 00:53:55,723
Wait a minute, Joe.
You're serious?
1104
00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:59,560
- It didn't matter though...
- I've been practicing that for weeks!
1105
00:54:01,900 --> 00:54:04,266
First I tried to
keep it small,
1106
00:54:04,302 --> 00:54:08,261
then I pushed the idea of him
struggling to control the pain.
1107
00:54:10,041 --> 00:54:12,134
Then I just went for
lots of energy.
1108
00:54:17,215 --> 00:54:19,376
That looks good.
We can try that.
1109
00:54:19,417 --> 00:54:21,783
Do you wanna try it
with a real hot chestnut?
1110
00:54:21,819 --> 00:54:23,548
Try it
with a real one.
1111
00:54:23,588 --> 00:54:26,489
Just an experiment to see
the general reaction.
1112
00:54:27,558 --> 00:54:29,458
Agh agh fuck!
1113
00:54:29,494 --> 00:54:32,759
Shit! You put...
fuck! Fuck!
1114
00:54:32,797 --> 00:54:35,231
Agh, get it out, please!
1115
00:54:35,266 --> 00:54:36,699
Get it out!
Please, please!
1116
00:54:36,734 --> 00:54:39,168
You've got your hand
on my fucking knackers!
1117
00:54:39,203 --> 00:54:41,535
Get off! Agh!
Get off! Get off!
1118
00:54:41,572 --> 00:54:43,597
Get your hand out!
Jesus, man! Fuck!
1119
00:54:43,641 --> 00:54:45,438
Ow! Fuck!
1120
00:54:49,080 --> 00:54:51,446
It's out.
1121
00:54:51,482 --> 00:54:53,382
Fuck...
1122
00:54:53,418 --> 00:54:55,409
- Do you want some water?
- Fucking hell!
1123
00:54:55,453 --> 00:54:57,512
I'm all right,
I'm all right.
1124
00:54:57,555 --> 00:54:59,420
Fucking hell.
1125
00:54:59,457 --> 00:55:02,893
Fuck. You had your fucking
fingers up my asshole!
1126
00:55:02,927 --> 00:55:04,861
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to do that.
1127
00:55:04,896 --> 00:55:06,557
- I'm sorry.
- Fucking hell, man.
1128
00:55:06,597 --> 00:55:08,929
- I'm very sorry.
- It's... you know...
1129
00:55:08,967 --> 00:55:10,958
Take me
to dinner first.
1130
00:55:11,002 --> 00:55:12,867
- Fuck.
- Sorry.
1131
00:55:15,106 --> 00:55:16,903
We've all seen
battle scenes before,
1132
00:55:16,941 --> 00:55:18,704
but how many times have
we seen a chestnut scene?
1133
00:55:18,743 --> 00:55:20,506
I think we need
more of Uncle Toby.
1134
00:55:20,545 --> 00:55:23,070
Uncle Toby's character is
the strongest character,
1135
00:55:23,114 --> 00:55:24,911
it's the heart and soul
of the piece,
1136
00:55:24,949 --> 00:55:26,382
the funniest character
in the book.
1137
00:55:26,417 --> 00:55:28,681
The battle scene
is Toby's scene, so...
1138
00:55:28,720 --> 00:55:30,745
That's irrelevant.
The bottom line is
1139
00:55:30,788 --> 00:55:33,018
how much will it cost
if you want to...
1140
00:55:33,057 --> 00:55:36,424
Well, we think we can
pull it down for 100,000.
1141
00:55:36,461 --> 00:55:39,658
See, I think the audience
that will come and see this film
1142
00:55:39,697 --> 00:55:42,188
is not interested
in big action scenes.
1143
00:55:42,233 --> 00:55:44,531
Anita, this is what
we don't have.
1144
00:55:44,569 --> 00:55:46,127
We don't have
the luxury of time.
1145
00:55:46,170 --> 00:55:48,730
These guys are out there now,
in uniform, loading up the muskets.
1146
00:55:48,773 --> 00:55:51,241
Don't try and hold us
to ransom about this.
1147
00:55:51,275 --> 00:55:52,970
We need to go and think
and talk about it...
1148
00:55:53,011 --> 00:55:55,002
Why don't you take
Anita and Greg off
1149
00:55:55,046 --> 00:55:58,277
and chat about the things
you need to chat about?
1150
00:55:58,316 --> 00:56:00,443
- See you, Steve.
- Go.
1151
00:56:00,485 --> 00:56:02,453
There's a shoe issue.
1152
00:56:02,487 --> 00:56:04,955
It is an issue of status.
1153
00:56:04,989 --> 00:56:06,650
Are you coming with us?
1154
00:56:06,691 --> 00:56:09,421
Turn the lights
out, please.
1155
00:56:12,964 --> 00:56:14,932
See, you can hardly
see the shoes.
1156
00:56:14,966 --> 00:56:17,594
I don't really see
what the problem is.
1157
00:56:17,635 --> 00:56:20,798
It's important characterwise
to see the height difference.
1158
00:56:20,838 --> 00:56:23,864
It tells the seniority
of the characters.
1159
00:56:25,109 --> 00:56:27,202
Is there anything
we can do about that?
1160
00:56:27,245 --> 00:56:29,645
- Um...
- Are you all right?
1161
00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:32,114
Yeah, we can um...
1162
00:56:32,150 --> 00:56:35,119
take an inch off
Rob's heel
1163
00:56:35,153 --> 00:56:38,452
and put a thicker sole
on Steve's shoe.
1164
00:56:38,489 --> 00:56:42,050
- You all right with that?
- That would be great.
1165
00:56:42,093 --> 00:56:44,994
- Okay.
- I'll do this. Thanks.
1166
00:56:45,029 --> 00:56:46,656
Let's get some lights on.
1167
00:56:46,697 --> 00:56:47,994
Steve, are you coming
to the meeting?
1168
00:56:48,032 --> 00:56:50,933
- Well, that was thrilling...
- Steve.
1169
00:56:50,968 --> 00:56:53,095
Steve, Gary's waiting
in there.
1170
00:56:53,137 --> 00:56:55,071
He's been waiting
for about 20 minutes.
1171
00:56:55,106 --> 00:56:56,539
I'll see you around.
1172
00:56:56,574 --> 00:56:58,735
Listen, I've got to
talk to this guy.
1173
00:56:58,776 --> 00:57:00,676
Five minutes
and I'll be up.
1174
00:57:00,711 --> 00:57:03,009
- Whenever.
- I want to talk to you.
1175
00:57:03,047 --> 00:57:05,413
Sorry, love.
1176
00:57:05,450 --> 00:57:08,886
Listen, I'm very sorry
about the other night, okay?
1177
00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:10,888
It was last night,
actually.
1178
00:57:10,922 --> 00:57:13,015
Oh, well...
since I was drunk.
1179
00:57:13,057 --> 00:57:14,854
Just so I know,
1180
00:57:14,892 --> 00:57:16,757
are you sorry
because you kissed me
1181
00:57:16,794 --> 00:57:18,819
or are you sorry
because you were drunk?
1182
00:57:18,863 --> 00:57:20,956
- Which is it?
- Uh... both.
1183
00:57:20,998 --> 00:57:24,365
Slightly less sorry
I kissed you
1184
00:57:24,402 --> 00:57:26,393
because it was
very nice,
1185
00:57:26,437 --> 00:57:28,132
but I don't think
it was, uh...
1186
00:57:28,172 --> 00:57:30,538
- Anyway, I'll leave you guys to it.
- Okay.
1187
00:57:30,575 --> 00:57:32,042
Hey!
1188
00:57:32,076 --> 00:57:33,907
All right,
buddy.
1189
00:57:33,945 --> 00:57:35,412
- How are you doing?
- You well?
1190
00:57:35,446 --> 00:57:36,743
Yeah, good
to see you.
1191
00:57:36,781 --> 00:57:37,873
Right, are we good?
1192
00:57:37,915 --> 00:57:39,974
I've gotta go
to a script meeting
1193
00:57:40,017 --> 00:57:42,952
and I've got to do this sort of
dad-kind-of- boyfriend thing.
1194
00:57:42,987 --> 00:57:45,182
Great. I'll take a picture of you
and the baby.
1195
00:57:45,223 --> 00:57:48,283
So can we postpone this
till tomorrow morning?
1196
00:57:51,329 --> 00:57:52,956
No, no...
you can.
1197
00:57:52,997 --> 00:57:54,555
But I've got to be
honest with you,
1198
00:57:54,599 --> 00:57:56,965
everyone at the office
wants to run the story about the girl.
1199
00:57:57,001 --> 00:57:59,401
You don't want that
because it's just weird stuff.
1200
00:57:59,437 --> 00:58:01,234
It's not weird,
just embarrassing.
1201
00:58:01,272 --> 00:58:03,399
She's saying some stuff
about me... anyway...
1202
00:58:03,441 --> 00:58:05,170
I want to
play ball too.
1203
00:58:05,209 --> 00:58:07,143
All right,
so if you can give me...
1204
00:58:07,178 --> 00:58:09,408
Yeah, 7:00 A.M.
tomorrow morning.
1205
00:58:09,447 --> 00:58:11,415
I don't think
they're gonna go for that.
1206
00:58:11,449 --> 00:58:13,110
What do you
think's better,
1207
00:58:13,151 --> 00:58:15,176
the chicken
or the beef?
1208
00:58:15,219 --> 00:58:18,382
These rooms are fantastic,
aren't they?
1209
00:58:18,422 --> 00:58:19,889
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1210
00:58:19,924 --> 00:58:22,654
I'm in the Charles I suite.
1211
00:58:22,693 --> 00:58:25,059
Apparently
he stayed in there.
1212
00:58:25,096 --> 00:58:27,690
Yeah, just before
he was beheaded.
1213
00:58:27,732 --> 00:58:30,064
- Is that true?
- Yeah.
1214
00:58:30,101 --> 00:58:31,762
Would you like
a drink, Steve?
1215
00:58:31,802 --> 00:58:34,066
Uh yeah, I'll have
a vodka tonic, please.
1216
00:58:34,105 --> 00:58:36,596
Can we please just talk
about the script?
1217
00:58:36,641 --> 00:58:39,508
Even if we get
the battle scene shot,
1218
00:58:39,544 --> 00:58:41,512
then we're still
going to be under.
1219
00:58:41,546 --> 00:58:43,844
It's a big book.
Plenty to choose from.
1220
00:58:45,016 --> 00:58:46,745
Think I'm gonna have
a lamb shank.
1221
00:58:46,784 --> 00:58:49,582
Given that the story's about
Walter's love for his son...
1222
00:58:49,620 --> 00:58:51,554
- Here, put this in.
-...I really think
1223
00:58:51,589 --> 00:58:53,887
that Walter should be there
at the birth.
1224
00:58:53,925 --> 00:58:56,257
It's the 18th Century.
Men just didn't do that.
1225
00:58:56,294 --> 00:58:58,854
You're a 21st-Century man,
but Walter can't be.
1226
00:58:58,896 --> 00:59:01,763
He talks to the fucking camera.
He can be emotional.
1227
00:59:01,799 --> 00:59:05,166
If you saw Walter for an instant
holding the baby in his arms,
1228
00:59:05,203 --> 00:59:07,262
then you would forgive him
all his flaws?
1229
00:59:07,305 --> 00:59:08,932
Yeah, but it would
look terrible.
1230
00:59:08,973 --> 00:59:10,964
It would be like the scene
in "Robin Hood"
1231
00:59:11,008 --> 00:59:13,636
where Kevin Costner
delivers a baby.
1232
00:59:13,678 --> 00:59:15,805
Because he's got
a stupid mullet haircut.
1233
00:59:15,846 --> 00:59:19,475
Remember all those scenes that you
pitched when we first talked about it?
1234
00:59:19,517 --> 00:59:20,779
Like the black page
1235
00:59:20,818 --> 00:59:22,410
when the good
Parson Yorick dies...
1236
00:59:22,453 --> 00:59:24,387
the book has
a completely black page.
1237
00:59:27,058 --> 00:59:30,653
I don't know how interesting a black
screen is going to be for an audience.
1238
00:59:30,695 --> 00:59:32,788
The original cover
for "Anarchy in the U.K."
1239
00:59:32,830 --> 00:59:34,491
was inspired
by that page.
1240
00:59:34,532 --> 00:59:37,899
- But Yorick isn't even in the film.
- He used to be.
1241
00:59:37,935 --> 00:59:40,426
Hardly anybody's in the film.
That's the problem.
1242
00:59:40,471 --> 00:59:43,235
I like the black page. That's one
of the arty bits I actually like.
1243
00:59:43,274 --> 00:59:45,834
Why do we want to spend
a year of our lives making this film?
1244
00:59:45,876 --> 00:59:48,845
- 'Cause it's funny.
- Is that all?
1245
00:59:50,248 --> 00:59:52,148
Is that not enough?
1246
00:59:52,183 --> 00:59:54,413
If it's genuinely funny,
that is enough.
1247
00:59:54,452 --> 00:59:57,285
It has to be
genuinely funny.
1248
00:59:57,321 --> 00:59:59,289
Well, what was
all that stuff Patrick told us
1249
00:59:59,323 --> 01:00:01,257
when we visited
Shandy Hall?
1250
01:00:01,292 --> 01:00:04,659
The theme of "Tristram Shandy"
is a very simple one...
1251
01:00:04,695 --> 01:00:07,027
Life is chaotic,
it's amorphous.
1252
01:00:07,064 --> 01:00:11,398
No matter how hard you try, you can't
actually make it fit any shape.
1253
01:00:11,435 --> 01:00:14,768
Tristram himself is trying
to write his life's story,
1254
01:00:14,805 --> 01:00:18,172
but it escapes him
'cause life is too full, too rich
1255
01:00:18,209 --> 01:00:21,042
to be able to be
captured by art.
1256
01:00:21,078 --> 01:00:24,411
And his father Walter
tries to plan every aspect
1257
01:00:24,448 --> 01:00:28,407
of Tristram's birth,
conception, childhood and so on,
1258
01:00:28,452 --> 01:00:30,920
and his plans
all go wrong.
1259
01:00:30,955 --> 01:00:32,820
Walter puts it this way...
1260
01:00:32,857 --> 01:00:35,621
Did any man ever receive
so many lashes?
1261
01:00:44,669 --> 01:00:47,900
Walter is indeed
the most unfortunate of men,
1262
01:00:47,938 --> 01:00:49,803
and if his life
could be celebrated,
1263
01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:51,705
then so too
can all of ours.
1264
01:00:51,742 --> 01:00:55,678
What about Widow Wadman?
1265
01:00:55,713 --> 01:00:58,273
I've been pushing for that
since the start.
1266
01:00:58,316 --> 01:01:00,341
Widow Wadman,
that's a romantic comedy.
1267
01:01:00,384 --> 01:01:03,581
- That's bollocks.
- Who do we have for the Widow Wadman?
1268
01:01:03,621 --> 01:01:05,589
She might be free.
1269
01:01:05,623 --> 01:01:07,284
Okay, Beth
and Sam?
1270
01:01:07,325 --> 01:01:09,691
- That's good.
- Gillian Anderson.
1271
01:01:09,727 --> 01:01:11,490
We know that
she loves the book
1272
01:01:11,529 --> 01:01:13,190
and Mark met her in L.A.
1273
01:01:13,230 --> 01:01:15,255
- Did you, Mark?
- We couldn't afford Gillian Anderson.
1274
01:01:15,299 --> 01:01:16,857
She'd cost more than
the whole battle scene.
1275
01:01:16,901 --> 01:01:19,597
No, but Gillian Anderson
is an American film star.
1276
01:01:19,637 --> 01:01:21,901
I think, actually,
she's Canadian.
1277
01:01:21,939 --> 01:01:24,271
It would make it a real movie
if it had a real star.
1278
01:01:25,810 --> 01:01:27,505
Two stars.
1279
01:01:27,545 --> 01:01:29,809
I don't see myself
as a star.
1280
01:01:29,847 --> 01:01:32,475
I'm a craftsman,
like a medieval craftsman.
1281
01:01:32,516 --> 01:01:34,484
- With a Porsche.
- Plying your trade.
1282
01:01:34,518 --> 01:01:36,713
Yeah, I'm a medieval
craftsman with a Porsche.
1283
01:01:36,754 --> 01:01:39,951
Two stars...
I was just thinking
1284
01:01:39,990 --> 01:01:41,890
that's gonna be
the review.
1285
01:01:44,762 --> 01:01:46,957
"'Tristram Shandy,'
two stars.
1286
01:01:46,997 --> 01:01:48,862
Jonathan Ross.
1287
01:01:48,899 --> 01:01:50,230
If she needs
to meet...
1288
01:01:50,267 --> 01:01:51,598
We can't get her
something in time.
1289
01:01:51,635 --> 01:01:53,899
Well, I've only
written three drafts
1290
01:01:53,938 --> 01:01:55,269
with the Widow in it.
1291
01:01:55,306 --> 01:01:58,241
I've got to see Jenny.
1292
01:01:58,275 --> 01:02:00,243
- See you later, Steve.
- Yeah.
1293
01:02:00,277 --> 01:02:02,711
- Bye, Steve.
- See you later, Steve.
1294
01:02:10,287 --> 01:02:11,982
Jenny?
1295
01:02:20,765 --> 01:02:23,393
Hey... hey...
1296
01:02:23,434 --> 01:02:26,198
hey...
1297
01:02:26,237 --> 01:02:28,671
hey, aw, hey...
1298
01:02:28,706 --> 01:02:30,230
hey...
1299
01:02:30,274 --> 01:02:32,936
Oh, dear dear dear.
1300
01:02:32,977 --> 01:02:35,946
Oh, there you go.
1301
01:02:40,951 --> 01:02:43,613
Oopsie-daisy.
1302
01:03:07,978 --> 01:03:10,208
Fur ones, not the ones
full of polyester
1303
01:03:10,247 --> 01:03:11,976
'cause
they're shite.
1304
01:03:12,016 --> 01:03:13,916
- Ah, yes!
- Hey!
1305
01:03:13,951 --> 01:03:16,215
Hello!
1306
01:03:16,253 --> 01:03:18,517
Sorry, I was just changing
the baby's nappy.
1307
01:03:18,556 --> 01:03:21,116
We heard it all.
1308
01:03:21,158 --> 01:03:22,785
It was very lovely.
1309
01:03:25,262 --> 01:03:27,856
We'll do
a musical next.
1310
01:03:27,898 --> 01:03:29,991
Oh I see, you've been
eavesdropping on me.
1311
01:03:31,869 --> 01:03:33,393
We're celebrating.
1312
01:03:33,437 --> 01:03:35,997
Brilliant idea,
mates.
1313
01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:37,940
The money men
are lapping it up
1314
01:03:37,975 --> 01:03:40,603
- Gillian Anderson said yes.
- Really?
1315
01:03:42,446 --> 01:03:44,971
We only spoke about it
five minutes ago.
1316
01:03:45,015 --> 01:03:46,710
I know, but I phoned
her agent in L.A.
1317
01:03:46,750 --> 01:03:48,980
- Joanna, hi.
- Hi!
1318
01:03:49,019 --> 01:03:50,748
I'm calling about
"Tristram Shandy."
1319
01:03:50,788 --> 01:03:53,348
- We're in the middle of filming.
- Yes, I know.
1320
01:03:53,390 --> 01:03:55,221
I read the script.
I love it!
1321
01:03:55,259 --> 01:03:58,194
Great! I wanted to talk to you
about Gillian Anderson.
1322
01:03:58,229 --> 01:04:00,629
She's right here.
1323
01:04:00,664 --> 01:04:03,724
- Oh, hello! Mark's right here.
- Hi!
1324
01:04:03,767 --> 01:04:06,429
- Hi, Gillian? Hi.
- Hi, Mark!
1325
01:04:06,470 --> 01:04:09,496
Remember I was telling you
about "Tristram Shandy"?
1326
01:04:09,540 --> 01:04:11,405
Oh, I love that novel.
1327
01:04:11,442 --> 01:04:14,707
We've decided to include
the Widow Wadman in the story.
1328
01:04:14,745 --> 01:04:16,576
Yeah, I love
that character.
1329
01:04:16,614 --> 01:04:18,980
You know what a great fan
I am of yours.
1330
01:04:19,016 --> 01:04:20,847
Oh, that's so
sweet of you.
1331
01:04:20,885 --> 01:04:23,012
Obviously
it's a low-budget film.
1332
01:04:23,053 --> 01:04:25,248
- Oh, don't worry about that!
- That's fine.
1333
01:04:25,289 --> 01:04:27,189
Gillian's interested
in the quality of work.
1334
01:04:27,224 --> 01:04:29,249
She's not looking
for a payday.
1335
01:04:29,293 --> 01:04:32,126
- That's right.
- Great. We'll need you right away.
1336
01:04:32,162 --> 01:04:33,857
- I can fly tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.
1337
01:04:33,898 --> 01:04:35,798
- Okay, bye!
- Bye.
1338
01:04:35,833 --> 01:04:38,028
Oh yes.
1339
01:04:38,068 --> 01:04:39,763
Jesus,
that was easy.
1340
01:04:39,803 --> 01:04:41,668
Yeah, that worked well.
1341
01:04:43,107 --> 01:04:44,938
So she's coming
over tomorrow.
1342
01:04:44,975 --> 01:04:46,237
That's fantastic.
1343
01:04:46,277 --> 01:04:48,268
Is Gillian Anderson
the one in "Baywatch"?
1344
01:04:48,312 --> 01:04:51,247
That was Pamela Anderson.
1345
01:04:51,282 --> 01:04:54,649
We've already got
one blonde with big tits.
1346
01:04:54,685 --> 01:04:57,882
- I love you.
- Thanks, but just a bit too hard.
1347
01:04:57,922 --> 01:05:02,552
I love "The X-Files."
1348
01:05:02,593 --> 01:05:04,618
Do you know
Rasputin had a wart
1349
01:05:04,662 --> 01:05:06,289
on his penis?
1350
01:05:08,465 --> 01:05:10,990
Listen, thank you
so much for the champagne.
1351
01:05:11,035 --> 01:05:12,832
That was lovely.
Bye.
1352
01:05:12,870 --> 01:05:15,100
- Good night.
- Night to all.
1353
01:05:15,139 --> 01:05:18,040
Good night, just going to have
a bit of sexual intercourse.
1354
01:05:18,075 --> 01:05:20,305
Thanks for the details,
thanks very much.
1355
01:05:20,344 --> 01:05:22,835
I don't think
that's their baby.
1356
01:05:22,880 --> 01:05:25,280
I don't know,
it just seems so unreal, so perfect.
1357
01:05:25,316 --> 01:05:27,147
She's very good for him,
I tell you.
1358
01:05:27,184 --> 01:05:29,652
She is very grounding
for him, don't you think?
1359
01:05:31,755 --> 01:05:33,780
- Steve?
- Jesus Christ!
1360
01:05:33,824 --> 01:05:37,351
Sorry sorry. Can I have a very
quick word with you?
1361
01:05:37,394 --> 01:05:38,918
How long have you
been there?
1362
01:05:38,963 --> 01:05:40,954
I've just been waiting for you.
Sorry, Jenny.
1363
01:05:40,998 --> 01:05:43,091
Just two minutes.
I just need to talk about something.
1364
01:05:43,133 --> 01:05:44,998
- Sure, yeah.
- Fine.
1365
01:05:45,035 --> 01:05:46,764
Thank you.
1366
01:05:48,572 --> 01:05:50,369
Have you heard
the news?
1367
01:05:50,407 --> 01:05:53,376
They're trying to get Gillian Anderson
to play Widow Wadman.
1368
01:05:53,410 --> 01:05:55,105
I know.
That was my idea.
1369
01:05:55,145 --> 01:05:57,613
- Was it?
- Well, not the Gillian Anderson bit,
1370
01:05:57,648 --> 01:05:59,843
- but the Widow Wadman thing.
- You know how I feel
1371
01:05:59,883 --> 01:06:02,181
about Gillian Anderson.
I've got posters of her.
1372
01:06:02,219 --> 01:06:04,119
I think the woman's
an angel.
1373
01:06:04,154 --> 01:06:06,349
I've got all of
"The X-Files" on DVD.
1374
01:06:06,390 --> 01:06:09,086
- I don't understand.
- Do you want a drink?
1375
01:06:09,126 --> 01:06:11,151
Yes, please. I'll have
a vodka tonic, please.
1376
01:06:13,998 --> 01:06:17,365
- The thing is I can't act...
- I know that.
1377
01:06:17,401 --> 01:06:19,426
...with Gillian Anderson.
1378
01:06:19,470 --> 01:06:23,338
I have a proper sexual thing
for Gillian Anderson.
1379
01:06:23,374 --> 01:06:27,003
I covet her. If I have to do
a love scene with her,
1380
01:06:27,044 --> 01:06:29,342
I will blush.
1381
01:06:29,380 --> 01:06:31,678
But Toby would blush.
1382
01:06:31,715 --> 01:06:34,445
That's good. Channel that.
That's method acting.
1383
01:06:34,485 --> 01:06:36,316
Yeah, right.
1384
01:06:36,353 --> 01:06:37,843
- Cheers.
- Here you go.
1385
01:06:37,888 --> 01:06:39,378
I don't know
why you're worried.
1386
01:06:39,423 --> 01:06:41,152
You don't have that
many scenes with her.
1387
01:06:41,191 --> 01:06:43,421
They're putting the whole
of the love story in.
1388
01:06:43,460 --> 01:06:46,224
Steve, you've read the book.
It's 100 pages.
1389
01:06:46,263 --> 01:06:50,199
You have given me
a love story
1390
01:06:50,234 --> 01:06:54,000
with my favorite,
my ideal woman,
1391
01:06:54,038 --> 01:06:57,474
my perfect
10-out-of-10 actress,
1392
01:06:57,508 --> 01:07:00,409
and I am going to
be stammering
1393
01:07:00,444 --> 01:07:02,878
and stuttering
my whole way through it.
1394
01:07:02,913 --> 01:07:05,507
- Wait wait...
- Thank you.
1395
01:07:05,549 --> 01:07:08,609
Um... I've got to go
talk to Jenny.
1396
01:07:08,652 --> 01:07:10,984
Oh, listen, Jenny mentioned
about this stuff...
1397
01:07:11,021 --> 01:07:13,649
it's not been as good
since the baby and everything.
1398
01:07:13,691 --> 01:07:16,159
- What, did she?
- All men lose their libido.
1399
01:07:16,193 --> 01:07:17,990
I don't...
no, they don't...
1400
01:07:18,028 --> 01:07:20,019
Rob, I don't have
a problem with my libido.
1401
01:07:20,064 --> 01:07:22,157
I just don't have
the fucking time.
1402
01:07:22,199 --> 01:07:24,224
For fuck's sake.
1403
01:07:29,039 --> 01:07:32,099
"I have no problem
with my libido."
1404
01:07:41,919 --> 01:07:43,910
Have you seen
my book anywhere?
1405
01:07:43,954 --> 01:07:46,047
What book?
1406
01:07:46,090 --> 01:07:48,388
"Tristram Shandy."
Which book do you think?
1407
01:07:48,425 --> 01:07:50,518
Here it is.
1408
01:07:53,130 --> 01:07:55,064
What are you doing?
1409
01:07:58,368 --> 01:08:00,165
Come here!
1410
01:08:01,305 --> 01:08:03,170
Can you believe a book
as thick as that
1411
01:08:03,207 --> 01:08:04,834
hasn't got an index?
1412
01:08:04,875 --> 01:08:06,934
It's a novel,
not a cookbook.
1413
01:08:10,981 --> 01:08:12,778
It's Book Six.
1414
01:08:12,816 --> 01:08:14,443
How'd you know that?
1415
01:08:14,485 --> 01:08:17,477
And Book Eight
and Book Nine.
1416
01:08:17,521 --> 01:08:21,855
- So you knew before Rob did?
- What are you talking about?
1417
01:08:21,892 --> 01:08:25,020
Rob now has
a bigger part than me.
1418
01:08:25,062 --> 01:08:28,031
- Bet he hasn't.
- But he's got a battle scene
1419
01:08:28,065 --> 01:08:33,594
- and he's got Agent Mulder from...
- Scully.
1420
01:08:35,239 --> 01:08:36,968
And he's got big heels.
1421
01:08:37,007 --> 01:08:41,376
And you've got me
and you've got a baby
1422
01:08:41,411 --> 01:08:43,879
and you're playing
Tristram Shandy.
1423
01:08:43,914 --> 01:08:45,848
Yeah, I am playing
Tristram Shandy
1424
01:08:45,883 --> 01:08:47,544
in "The Life of
Tristram Shandy."
1425
01:08:47,584 --> 01:08:50,212
You know what? At the end
of the book, he's not even born.
1426
01:08:50,254 --> 01:08:53,052
- Who told me that? No one.
- Steve,
1427
01:08:53,090 --> 01:08:56,287
I have traveled 200 miles
by train with a baby
1428
01:08:56,326 --> 01:08:58,191
just to have sex
with you.
1429
01:08:58,228 --> 01:09:01,061
Look, honey, this is
not about my libido.
1430
01:09:01,098 --> 01:09:03,259
It's... I've got to...
1431
01:09:04,835 --> 01:09:08,100
"Presently I hope I shall be
sufficiently understood
1432
01:09:08,138 --> 01:09:10,470
in telling the reader
my Uncle Toby fell in love."
1433
01:09:10,507 --> 01:09:13,635
- Fuck.
- She's a wealthy widow.
1434
01:09:13,677 --> 01:09:15,542
She sees Toby.
1435
01:09:15,579 --> 01:09:20,141
She falls for him, but she's
worried about his equipment.
1436
01:09:20,184 --> 01:09:23,676
"...has fallen in love,
deeply in love,
1437
01:09:23,720 --> 01:09:25,585
up to the ears
in love."
1438
01:09:25,622 --> 01:09:30,082
If it is not intrusive,
Captain Shandy,
1439
01:09:30,127 --> 01:09:35,258
I'm agog as to what actually occurred
at the Siege of Namur.
1440
01:09:35,299 --> 01:09:37,699
I have a model
just yonder
1441
01:09:37,734 --> 01:09:40,726
of the city as it appeared
to the besieging forces
1442
01:09:40,771 --> 01:09:43,831
on that morning
in 1695.
1443
01:09:43,874 --> 01:09:47,071
You interest me strangely.
1444
01:09:47,110 --> 01:09:50,375
The English and the Scots
came out of trenches on the right.
1445
01:09:50,414 --> 01:09:55,113
I'm quite perspiring
with anticipation.
1446
01:09:57,321 --> 01:09:59,881
You must know,
Captain Shandy,
1447
01:09:59,923 --> 01:10:02,824
that I have taken
an interest in you.
1448
01:10:02,860 --> 01:10:07,763
But before we go further
on that matter,
1449
01:10:07,798 --> 01:10:10,790
I must reassure myself
1450
01:10:10,834 --> 01:10:14,793
of your fitness
for marriage...
1451
01:10:16,240 --> 01:10:19,801
of the state
of your equipment.
1452
01:10:21,945 --> 01:10:24,436
Would you like
to see my model?
1453
01:10:24,481 --> 01:10:29,714
I must know exactly
where you were injured.
1454
01:10:29,753 --> 01:10:34,190
Madam, I'll show you
the exact spot.
1455
01:10:34,224 --> 01:10:36,715
Are you sure?
1456
01:10:36,760 --> 01:10:38,557
You can put
your finger on it.
1457
01:10:38,595 --> 01:10:41,962
- Just beyond the asparagus.
- Yes, quite right.
1458
01:10:41,999 --> 01:10:44,263
Out of the way.
1459
01:10:44,301 --> 01:10:47,168
I'm flattered,
Captain Shandy,
1460
01:10:47,204 --> 01:10:51,038
that you would take me so far
into your confidence.
1461
01:10:51,074 --> 01:10:53,508
I received my injury
1462
01:10:53,543 --> 01:10:57,001
at nine of the clock
right here.
1463
01:10:57,047 --> 01:10:59,515
That was great.
1464
01:10:59,549 --> 01:11:01,312
Thank you.
1465
01:11:02,786 --> 01:11:04,913
Rob, this is Steve
from "The New York Times."
1466
01:11:04,955 --> 01:11:06,582
Hey, I'd love
to do a piece on you.
1467
01:11:06,623 --> 01:11:08,284
That was a really
good job by the way.
1468
01:11:10,193 --> 01:11:11,922
You!
1469
01:11:11,962 --> 01:11:13,589
- Was it good?
- Yeah, it was great.
1470
01:11:13,630 --> 01:11:15,757
Where's Steve?
I really wanted him to see that one.
1471
01:11:15,799 --> 01:11:17,528
Steve's over there.
1472
01:11:17,567 --> 01:11:19,728
Hello!
1473
01:11:19,770 --> 01:11:22,671
Rob? Rob?
1474
01:11:22,706 --> 01:11:24,139
Did you hear my laugh?
1475
01:11:24,174 --> 01:11:26,165
I heard a laugh.
1476
01:11:26,209 --> 01:11:29,269
- Steve Coogan? Hi.
- Hello.
1477
01:11:29,313 --> 01:11:30,940
Very pleased
to meet you.
1478
01:11:30,981 --> 01:11:32,642
Sorry about this.
1479
01:11:32,683 --> 01:11:35,117
I didn't realize
you were so small.
1480
01:11:35,152 --> 01:11:37,780
A lot smaller than me.
Come and see how small he is.
1481
01:11:37,821 --> 01:11:40,415
This membrane looks like
it's about to burst.
1482
01:11:40,457 --> 01:11:42,789
Then there'll be
a huge muscular spasm.
1483
01:11:42,826 --> 01:11:44,316
Agh!
1484
01:11:44,361 --> 01:11:46,556
Oh my God!
1485
01:11:48,765 --> 01:11:51,131
It's the funniest thing
he's done for years!
1486
01:11:51,168 --> 01:11:53,033
It's just disgusting.
1487
01:11:53,070 --> 01:11:54,731
I don't know why
I'm so small.
1488
01:11:54,771 --> 01:11:57,103
- Neither do I.
- I didn't realize he was so small.
1489
01:11:57,140 --> 01:11:58,630
He really is small,
isn't he?
1490
01:11:58,675 --> 01:12:00,540
- He's tiny.
- Rob?
1491
01:12:00,577 --> 01:12:03,068
- Rob?
- That's his actual size.
1492
01:12:03,113 --> 01:12:05,741
Rob, I thought
you were a mate!
1493
01:12:48,725 --> 01:12:52,388
You should go to L.A.
and spend some time there.
1494
01:12:52,429 --> 01:12:56,263
I'd want to go. I'd want to meet
as many as I can...
1495
01:12:56,299 --> 01:12:59,496
You should. You're going to be hot
after this movie...
1496
01:12:59,536 --> 01:13:02,096
I just wanted to apologize
1497
01:13:02,139 --> 01:13:04,869
for the fact that this is a complete
historical cock-up.
1498
01:13:04,908 --> 01:13:07,103
And in order to make it
a bit more fun,
1499
01:13:07,144 --> 01:13:09,977
I'm gonna give everybody
a character name, okay?
1500
01:13:10,013 --> 01:13:12,573
- Yay!
- So, Eli Thrift.
1501
01:13:12,616 --> 01:13:14,777
Free Fornication Williams.
1502
01:13:14,818 --> 01:13:17,150
Feichmann,
have you got a mic?
1503
01:13:17,187 --> 01:13:19,917
Well, then you shouldn't be
wearing a gorget. Take it off.
1504
01:13:19,956 --> 01:13:21,947
Okay, Efrain Greenwillow,
1505
01:13:21,992 --> 01:13:24,586
- you can have that.
- Have you heard?
1506
01:13:25,595 --> 01:13:27,825
They're so chuffed
about Gillian Anderson,
1507
01:13:27,864 --> 01:13:30,332
they're going to give us some money
for the battle scene as well.
1508
01:13:30,367 --> 01:13:32,301
- That's great.
- And Joe has had an idea
1509
01:13:32,335 --> 01:13:35,270
for the birth scene, so you can go there
when the baby's born.
1510
01:13:35,305 --> 01:13:37,330
Oh, brilliant. That's great.
1511
01:13:38,708 --> 01:13:41,302
Where's your pretty wife,
Steve?
1512
01:13:41,344 --> 01:13:42,936
Come on!
1513
01:13:53,090 --> 01:13:55,718
- Hello.
- So they're going to have love story
1514
01:13:55,759 --> 01:13:57,522
and the battle scene.
1515
01:13:57,561 --> 01:13:59,119
That's great.
1516
01:13:59,162 --> 01:14:01,528
It's like some Hollywood version
of "Tristram Shandy."
1517
01:14:01,565 --> 01:14:04,659
Yeah, Fassbinder
would have never sold out like that.
1518
01:14:04,701 --> 01:14:06,601
You know Fassbinder?
1519
01:14:06,636 --> 01:14:08,866
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow!
1520
01:14:08,905 --> 01:14:11,772
Which is
your favorite film?
1521
01:14:13,210 --> 01:14:14,871
The whole...
1522
01:14:14,911 --> 01:14:16,435
the corpus,
the bloody work.
1523
01:14:16,480 --> 01:14:18,971
"Fear Eats the Soul."
1524
01:14:19,015 --> 01:14:21,575
Yeah.
1525
01:14:21,618 --> 01:14:23,415
There's more truth
in that title
1526
01:14:23,453 --> 01:14:25,683
than there is in most whole movies,
you know?
1527
01:14:25,722 --> 01:14:27,713
- Yeah.
- But the thing is
1528
01:14:27,757 --> 01:14:31,056
he's such like
a powerful writer.
1529
01:14:31,094 --> 01:14:32,857
You know
"Schatten der Engel"
1530
01:14:32,896 --> 01:14:35,194
That is my favorite.
1531
01:14:35,232 --> 01:14:38,201
- Do you know that one?
- Is it the one with all the sex in it.
1532
01:14:38,235 --> 01:14:42,763
No, it's the one where Ingrid Caven
is this prostitute,
1533
01:14:42,806 --> 01:14:45,798
but the thing is
that she's so beautiful
1534
01:14:45,842 --> 01:14:48,402
she doesn't even need
to touch the punters.
1535
01:14:48,445 --> 01:14:51,141
They're just happy
to, like, sit in her room
1536
01:14:51,181 --> 01:14:53,012
and just look at her.
1537
01:14:53,049 --> 01:14:56,246
The thing is that
humanity is so disgusting
1538
01:14:56,286 --> 01:15:00,154
they kind of, like, invade
and pollute her with their problems
1539
01:15:00,190 --> 01:15:02,954
and their insecurities
so that in the end,
1540
01:15:02,993 --> 01:15:05,757
it's actually better for her
to just fuck them.
1541
01:15:05,795 --> 01:15:07,990
You know, it's cleaner
for her to fuck them
1542
01:15:08,031 --> 01:15:09,521
than it is
to listen to them.
1543
01:15:09,566 --> 01:15:11,500
You're watching the movie
and you're, like,
1544
01:15:11,535 --> 01:15:13,400
"Just fuck them, Lilly!
Just fuck them!"
1545
01:15:13,436 --> 01:15:15,199
- Do you know what I mean?
- Fuck them.
1546
01:15:18,742 --> 01:15:20,505
Fill me
with your babies.
1547
01:15:27,751 --> 01:15:30,652
What what what?
What did you say?
1548
01:15:30,687 --> 01:15:33,520
What did you
just say?
1549
01:15:33,557 --> 01:15:36,583
I don't know.
I think I said, "Fuck me."
1550
01:15:36,626 --> 01:15:39,060
- I think.
- The thing is...
1551
01:15:39,095 --> 01:15:40,926
no, you said
something else.
1552
01:15:40,964 --> 01:15:42,693
That's not
what you said.
1553
01:15:42,732 --> 01:15:44,359
It's what I meant.
1554
01:15:44,401 --> 01:15:46,335
Listen, um...
1555
01:15:46,369 --> 01:15:49,998
you are fantastically
attractive
1556
01:15:50,040 --> 01:15:54,443
and your knowledge of
German cinema is second to none.
1557
01:15:55,946 --> 01:16:00,474
But... I've got to
get back to Jenny.
1558
01:16:00,517 --> 01:16:03,042
I've got work
in the morning,
1559
01:16:03,086 --> 01:16:04,883
it's an early start.
1560
01:16:04,921 --> 01:16:07,481
6:30 A.M. call,
I think.
1561
01:16:07,524 --> 01:16:11,119
Yeah so...
good night.
1562
01:16:11,161 --> 01:16:13,391
Yeah, good night.
1563
01:16:13,430 --> 01:16:14,863
I am Spartacus!
1564
01:16:14,898 --> 01:16:17,264
Push on!
1565
01:16:18,768 --> 01:16:21,760
I am Spartacus!
1566
01:16:21,805 --> 01:16:23,830
I am Spartacus!
1567
01:16:25,108 --> 01:16:27,440
Jennie, I am Spartacus.
1568
01:16:29,613 --> 01:16:32,047
I am Spartacus.
1569
01:16:32,082 --> 01:16:35,540
- I am Spartacus.
- I am Spartacus!
1570
01:16:53,069 --> 01:16:55,162
Where have you been?
1571
01:16:55,205 --> 01:16:57,673
You're freezing!
1572
01:16:59,476 --> 01:17:01,501
I had a nightmare.
1573
01:17:12,622 --> 01:17:14,681
I missed you.
1574
01:17:16,259 --> 01:17:17,954
I missed you.
1575
01:17:24,734 --> 01:17:27,032
I love you.
1576
01:17:59,202 --> 01:18:01,033
Steve, it's time
to get up.
1577
01:18:09,379 --> 01:18:12,906
Morning. Your car will be ready
in half an hour, okay?
1578
01:18:12,949 --> 01:18:14,541
Right, thank you,
Jennie.
1579
01:18:19,489 --> 01:18:22,822
- I'm sorry.
- He'll be okay for a couple of minutes.
1580
01:18:28,965 --> 01:18:31,092
God, you're
so lucky.
1581
01:18:36,306 --> 01:18:38,604
This morning's headlines...
1582
01:18:38,641 --> 01:18:41,269
Americans have conceded
that the insurgents in Iraq
1583
01:18:41,311 --> 01:18:43,404
are as strong now
as they were a year ago.
1584
01:18:43,446 --> 01:18:47,143
More foreign terror suspects
are expected to be freed on bail today
1585
01:18:47,183 --> 01:18:50,812
as time runs out for the existing powers
under which they're detained.
1586
01:18:50,854 --> 01:18:53,152
And what Churchill
thought of India
1587
01:18:53,189 --> 01:18:55,054
and what India
thought of Churchill.
1588
01:18:55,091 --> 01:18:57,457
Today's newsreader,
Charlotte Green.
1589
01:18:57,494 --> 01:18:59,325
A senior American general
1590
01:18:59,362 --> 01:19:02,820
has said the insurgents in Iraq
have lost none of their capacity
1591
01:19:02,866 --> 01:19:05,357
to launch attacks
on Coalition and Iraqi...
1592
01:19:06,970 --> 01:19:09,097
- Morning.
- Morning.
1593
01:19:09,139 --> 01:19:10,629
- Morning.
- Hi.
1594
01:19:10,673 --> 01:19:13,972
Rob, did you want me
to get you some breakfast?
1595
01:19:14,010 --> 01:19:15,944
- Some coffee?
- I'll have a coffee.
1596
01:19:15,979 --> 01:19:17,742
- Okay.
- Everyone's here?
1597
01:19:17,781 --> 01:19:20,750
Yeah, they are, actually. Do you
want me to get you some breakfast?
1598
01:19:20,784 --> 01:19:22,308
No no, I'll go with you.
Been here for ages.
1599
01:19:22,352 --> 01:19:24,752
Top o' the mornin'
to ye.
1600
01:19:24,788 --> 01:19:27,450
-...but once I get the other sock...
- See you.
1601
01:19:29,025 --> 01:19:31,516
Morning, uh...
1602
01:19:31,561 --> 01:19:32,858
- Rr-r...
- Rob.
1603
01:19:32,896 --> 01:19:34,796
- Rob.
- That's it, well done.
1604
01:19:34,831 --> 01:19:36,890
It's the shoe business,
you know?
1605
01:19:36,933 --> 01:19:38,901
It goes on all day
between Steve and Rob.
1606
01:19:38,935 --> 01:19:41,597
I've got the shoes
for you.
1607
01:19:41,638 --> 01:19:44,402
They've been built up
so you'll feel a lot taller.
1608
01:19:44,441 --> 01:19:48,400
Be hard to see Jennie.
She's a bit... intense.
1609
01:19:48,445 --> 01:19:51,346
Very. Hard work.
1610
01:19:51,381 --> 01:19:53,747
Do you know
this shoe thing,
1611
01:19:53,783 --> 01:19:56,217
I think we're fine
as we are.
1612
01:19:56,252 --> 01:19:57,947
I spent all night
working on it.
1613
01:19:57,987 --> 01:20:00,251
- I think we've got spare ones.
- Sorry, love.
1614
01:20:00,290 --> 01:20:01,814
We got spare ones here.
1615
01:20:01,858 --> 01:20:04,588
- Okay.
- Sorry, love. Thank you.
1616
01:20:07,430 --> 01:20:10,695
- Um, Steve.
- Well handled.
1617
01:20:10,733 --> 01:20:12,997
This is the coat, Steve,
1618
01:20:13,036 --> 01:20:15,334
for the scene where
you take your wig off.
1619
01:20:15,371 --> 01:20:18,135
- Want to just try it on for me?
- Sure.
1620
01:20:18,174 --> 01:20:21,007
- All right, love.
- Take your wig off with the right hand
1621
01:20:21,044 --> 01:20:23,740
and pull your handkerchief
out of your right-hand pocket...
1622
01:20:23,780 --> 01:20:27,181
- This is actually weird.
-...with the left hand.
1623
01:20:27,217 --> 01:20:29,344
- I mean, that's...
- You look like Lee Evans.
1624
01:20:29,385 --> 01:20:33,287
It looks like
the pockets are too low.
1625
01:20:33,323 --> 01:20:36,349
It looks like they've been placed there
for comic effect.
1626
01:20:36,392 --> 01:20:38,519
Shall we say it looks
like a rain suit?
1627
01:20:38,561 --> 01:20:40,358
"In the latter end
of Queen Anne's reign,
1628
01:20:40,396 --> 01:20:42,296
and the beginning
of King George I,
1629
01:20:42,332 --> 01:20:44,527
coat pockets were cut
very low down
1630
01:20:44,567 --> 01:20:48,196
- in the skirt."
- The pockets can be built
1631
01:20:48,238 --> 01:20:50,706
technically accurate
and still look contrived.
1632
01:20:50,740 --> 01:20:53,140
It's historical,
1633
01:20:53,176 --> 01:20:55,337
but it's not
hysterical.
1634
01:20:55,378 --> 01:20:57,369
Yeah.
1635
01:20:59,215 --> 01:21:02,378
- Hey, Joe!
- Hello, Steve.
1636
01:21:02,418 --> 01:21:04,181
Listen, I'll see you
tomorrow.
1637
01:21:04,220 --> 01:21:06,245
I'm going to
get the kids
1638
01:21:06,289 --> 01:21:08,348
- to see the battle.
- Brilliant.
1639
01:21:08,391 --> 01:21:10,018
How'd the
birth scenes go?
1640
01:21:10,059 --> 01:21:12,493
- All done, yeah.
- Fantastic.
1641
01:21:12,529 --> 01:21:14,394
Trying to get the impact of having
a baby on Walter,
1642
01:21:14,430 --> 01:21:16,261
your physical
and emotional impact.
1643
01:21:16,299 --> 01:21:18,028
- Yes!
- You all right?
1644
01:21:18,067 --> 01:21:20,365
- Yes, very well.
- Listen, we've gotta get a shift on.
1645
01:21:20,403 --> 01:21:21,893
I need to do something.
Hiya.
1646
01:21:21,938 --> 01:21:24,907
I'll need to get a train,
so can we just find somewhere...
1647
01:21:24,941 --> 01:21:27,205
I'm gonna need
five minutes for Gary.
1648
01:21:27,243 --> 01:21:28,767
- 10 minutes.
- Sorry.
1649
01:21:28,811 --> 01:21:30,403
Does Mark know
about this, Steve?
1650
01:21:30,446 --> 01:21:32,107
He doesn't know.
Tell him not to worry.
1651
01:21:32,148 --> 01:21:34,013
I just wanna do
a really general piece,
1652
01:21:34,050 --> 01:21:36,746
you know, the type of thing
I'm sure you've done before.
1653
01:21:36,786 --> 01:21:39,721
- Yes.
- Steve Coogan the actor,
1654
01:21:39,756 --> 01:21:42,156
Steve Coogan
the family man.
1655
01:21:42,191 --> 01:21:44,284
And with the novel
being called
1656
01:21:44,327 --> 01:21:46,693
"The Life and Opinions
of Tristram Shandy,"
1657
01:21:46,729 --> 01:21:50,028
I thought we'd call the piece
"The Life and Opinions of Steve Coogan."
1658
01:21:50,066 --> 01:21:52,694
- Great. Tidy
- Yeah.
1659
01:21:52,735 --> 01:21:56,171
Just a sort of tidy...
exactly.
1660
01:21:56,205 --> 01:21:58,765
But really, obviously
you've just become a father.
1661
01:21:58,808 --> 01:22:01,072
- Yeah.
- So let's do a little bit
1662
01:22:01,110 --> 01:22:04,045
about the family to start off.
What does it mean to you?
1663
01:22:04,080 --> 01:22:06,310
Well, it's everything to me.
1664
01:22:09,819 --> 01:22:11,946
- Hi, babe.
- Hiya.
1665
01:22:14,591 --> 01:22:17,583
- How is he?
- He's a bit... grumpy
1666
01:22:17,627 --> 01:22:19,424
- this morning.
- Sorry.
1667
01:22:19,462 --> 01:22:21,293
Sorry.
1668
01:22:21,331 --> 01:22:24,459
Steve, we've got
your other baby next door
1669
01:22:24,500 --> 01:22:27,025
if you'd like to come and say hello,
do a bit of bonding.
1670
01:22:27,070 --> 01:22:29,038
That's Walter's
little baby.
1671
01:22:29,072 --> 01:22:31,666
- I'll explain later.
- It might take a minute.
1672
01:22:31,708 --> 01:22:33,198
Okay.
See you later, love.
1673
01:22:33,242 --> 01:22:35,039
See you.
1674
01:22:36,746 --> 01:22:39,078
I've got the new sides
from Joe...
1675
01:22:39,115 --> 01:22:40,673
- Good.
-...for the scene as well.
1676
01:22:40,717 --> 01:22:42,150
He spoke to me
this morning.
1677
01:22:42,185 --> 01:22:44,449
- He's very pleased with it.
- Great, I'm pleased.
1678
01:22:44,487 --> 01:22:46,045
- This is Rachel.
- Hi.
1679
01:22:46,089 --> 01:22:48,319
And little Tristram.
1680
01:22:48,358 --> 01:22:49,985
- Oh...
- I'll catch you later.
1681
01:22:50,026 --> 01:22:52,517
Okay, right. He's got a better
hairline than me.
1682
01:22:52,562 --> 01:22:54,393
She's a girl, actually.
1683
01:22:54,430 --> 01:22:56,990
I hope that's not
going to be a problem for you.
1684
01:22:57,033 --> 01:22:59,263
No, I'm very in touch
with my female side.
1685
01:22:59,302 --> 01:23:00,496
Everyone miked up?
1686
01:23:00,536 --> 01:23:02,265
Yeah, with
the time we need.
1687
01:23:02,305 --> 01:23:04,068
Okay, all right.
1688
01:23:04,107 --> 01:23:06,132
- Ed?
- Yes, sir.
1689
01:23:06,175 --> 01:23:08,143
Let's get it
all locked up.
1690
01:23:08,177 --> 01:23:10,577
Yeah, okay. Byron, can we just get
this moving now? Thanks.
1691
01:23:10,613 --> 01:23:13,081
She likes you.
She's very happy.
1692
01:23:13,116 --> 01:23:15,744
Hey! Aw...
1693
01:23:15,785 --> 01:23:18,515
She's so small.
1694
01:23:20,089 --> 01:23:21,750
- Steve?
- Yeah?
1695
01:23:21,791 --> 01:23:23,486
They're ready for you
on the set.
1696
01:23:23,526 --> 01:23:25,221
Oh...
that's Mommy.
1697
01:23:25,261 --> 01:23:29,595
Okay, I've just got to
say goodbye to Jenny,
1698
01:23:29,632 --> 01:23:31,327
just say goodbye.
1699
01:23:33,903 --> 01:23:36,463
Three days in a row
you've been screaming.
1700
01:23:36,506 --> 01:23:38,167
It's only one more day.
1701
01:23:38,207 --> 01:23:39,538
It finishes today.
1702
01:23:45,314 --> 01:23:47,612
- Good morning.
- Good morning. How are you?
1703
01:23:47,650 --> 01:23:50,141
Hello.
1704
01:23:50,186 --> 01:23:52,051
Could we get Steven?
1705
01:23:52,088 --> 01:23:54,283
Thank you.
I'll try to stay awake.
1706
01:23:56,426 --> 01:23:58,724
Joe has written in
this part of the scene
1707
01:23:58,761 --> 01:24:00,695
where Walter's there
at the birth of Tristram.
1708
01:24:00,730 --> 01:24:02,823
- It's really important.
- It's fine.
1709
01:24:02,865 --> 01:24:05,333
Steve, there waiting
for you on the set.
1710
01:24:05,368 --> 01:24:07,632
Okay, all right.
1711
01:24:07,670 --> 01:24:09,934
Listen, have
a safe journey.
1712
01:24:09,972 --> 01:24:11,837
- I'll see you on the weekend.
- Okay.
1713
01:24:11,874 --> 01:24:13,933
Would you have had
a baby with me
1714
01:24:13,976 --> 01:24:16,376
- if I'd really had a nose like that?
- No.
1715
01:24:18,781 --> 01:24:20,544
I'll give you a call
when we get there.
1716
01:24:20,583 --> 01:24:22,244
Okay, I love you.
1717
01:24:25,421 --> 01:24:27,582
- It doesn't seem right.
- No, it's wrong.
1718
01:24:27,623 --> 01:24:29,318
Okay, sorry about that.
1719
01:24:39,702 --> 01:24:42,102
I'm just a bit confused.
Are we supposed to...
1720
01:24:42,138 --> 01:24:45,039
It's not continuous.
We've jumped in time.
1721
01:24:45,074 --> 01:24:48,271
We've jumped in time.
We're going to take that moment
1722
01:24:48,311 --> 01:24:50,302
where the kid's
about to be born...
1723
01:24:50,346 --> 01:24:51,973
- Right.
-...from here.
1724
01:24:52,014 --> 01:24:53,879
So this is
the very end of it.
1725
01:24:53,916 --> 01:24:55,406
Very end of it.
1726
01:24:55,451 --> 01:24:56,941
- Okay?
- Right.
1727
01:24:56,986 --> 01:25:00,786
Hi. Um...
all right.
1728
01:25:09,999 --> 01:25:12,490
Hold the work, please.
1729
01:25:13,503 --> 01:25:15,334
Hold the work.
1730
01:25:15,371 --> 01:25:17,396
- So, Steve?
- Yeah?
1731
01:25:17,440 --> 01:25:19,704
We'll have about
40 seconds of...
1732
01:25:19,742 --> 01:25:23,007
effort before
your entrance, okay?
1733
01:25:36,492 --> 01:25:38,255
Say, what's
happening?
1734
01:25:43,900 --> 01:25:46,368
All right,
his head's here now!
1735
01:25:51,073 --> 01:25:52,938
We're just about done.
1736
01:25:58,047 --> 01:25:59,708
Okay, Steve.
1737
01:26:03,452 --> 01:26:06,012
A little more, ma'am.
A little more.
1738
01:26:06,055 --> 01:26:08,114
That's it.
1739
01:26:10,660 --> 01:26:12,218
That's it, ma'am.
1740
01:26:19,769 --> 01:26:21,737
That's it.
1741
01:26:23,272 --> 01:26:26,935
He's handsome, ma'am.
He's a handsome... boy.
1742
01:26:29,045 --> 01:26:30,569
He's a big boy.
1743
01:26:44,560 --> 01:26:46,084
Thanks very much,
everybody.
1744
01:26:46,128 --> 01:26:48,221
There's a drink
through there,
1745
01:26:48,264 --> 01:26:51,233
so... if you'd like
to go on through.
1746
01:26:51,267 --> 01:26:53,565
- What happened?
- Um...
1747
01:26:54,837 --> 01:26:56,600
So what do you think
about that?
1748
01:26:56,639 --> 01:26:59,836
- Can you tell that's not me on horse?
- Yes.
1749
01:26:59,876 --> 01:27:02,367
- Do you ride a horse?
- Yes, I rode a horse.
1750
01:27:02,411 --> 01:27:05,175
You look like you'd never
been on a horse before.
1751
01:27:05,214 --> 01:27:07,182
You were funny,
you were charismatic...
1752
01:27:07,216 --> 01:27:09,241
- Charismatic?
- You looked so dashing.
1753
01:27:09,285 --> 01:27:10,775
- I looked so dashing?
- You did.
1754
01:27:10,820 --> 01:27:12,151
I was dashing.
I dashed.
1755
01:27:12,188 --> 01:27:14,622
What happened to
the whole Widow Wadman story?
1756
01:27:14,657 --> 01:27:16,352
How much did you do?
1757
01:27:16,392 --> 01:27:19,293
I shot like two weeks.
1758
01:27:19,328 --> 01:27:22,525
I mean, the house is
way too big for Shandy Hall.
1759
01:27:22,565 --> 01:27:24,965
Well, that's what they wanted to make
the film look sexy.
1760
01:27:25,001 --> 01:27:27,060
I thought you look fantastic,
by the way.
1761
01:27:27,103 --> 01:27:28,661
- And you.
- For what it's worth.
1762
01:27:28,704 --> 01:27:30,103
- Yeah.
- All right.
1763
01:27:30,139 --> 01:27:31,629
See you in a bit.
1764
01:27:33,709 --> 01:27:35,768
- Great, just great.
- Ah, yes.
1765
01:27:35,811 --> 01:27:37,802
Thank you,
rather good on that.
1766
01:27:37,847 --> 01:27:39,838
I thought we were gonna get
the big emotional scene
1767
01:27:39,882 --> 01:27:41,281
with Walter
and his baby.
1768
01:27:41,317 --> 01:27:43,649
Yeah, well,
the 18th Century...
1769
01:27:43,686 --> 01:27:46,280
- it didn't work.
- We thought the scene
1770
01:27:46,322 --> 01:27:49,917
with Steve and the baby playing
young Tristram would give us the emotion
1771
01:27:49,959 --> 01:27:52,120
and still be true
to the original story.
1772
01:27:52,161 --> 01:27:54,629
I always forget
how short I am.
1773
01:27:54,664 --> 01:27:57,292
I can't believe that was
the whole fucking movie.
1774
01:27:57,333 --> 01:28:00,825
I think we look like
a nice couple, don't you?
1775
01:28:00,870 --> 01:28:03,964
Where is
the battle scene?
1776
01:28:04,006 --> 01:28:05,871
Yeah, where's the battle?
1777
01:28:05,908 --> 01:28:09,036
It wasn't funny.
1778
01:28:09,078 --> 01:28:11,046
So how many drinks
do you have a day?
1779
01:28:11,080 --> 01:28:14,208
I have... I don't know...
a number.
1780
01:28:14,250 --> 01:28:16,377
And I purposely have
a pay-to-go,
1781
01:28:16,419 --> 01:28:18,114
and I only keep
L10 on it
1782
01:28:18,154 --> 01:28:19,985
so that I can't stay
on the phone long.
1783
01:28:20,022 --> 01:28:21,717
That way I'm just
quickly off.
1784
01:28:21,757 --> 01:28:25,284
- How does the book end?
- The book's got a great ending.
1785
01:28:26,329 --> 01:28:28,126
- Parson Yorick.
- Mm?
1786
01:28:28,164 --> 01:28:31,861
Why are we so delicate
about the subject of passion?
1787
01:28:31,901 --> 01:28:35,632
Why do we put a candle out
when we try to make a child?
1788
01:28:35,671 --> 01:28:38,572
I'm not sure.
1789
01:28:38,607 --> 01:28:41,075
Everyone does put out a candle,
Sir Walter.
1790
01:28:41,110 --> 01:28:44,375
Though you see, Walter,
not everybody does put the candle out.
1791
01:28:44,413 --> 01:28:47,382
I have on occasion asked for the candle
to be left, but...
1792
01:28:47,416 --> 01:28:49,213
Be that as it may,
1793
01:28:49,251 --> 01:28:53,085
why do we glorify the act of killing
that's destroying a man?
1794
01:28:53,122 --> 01:28:56,114
We honor the weapons
with which we do it.
1795
01:28:56,158 --> 01:28:58,285
We write about them.
1796
01:28:58,327 --> 01:29:00,124
We paint them.
1797
01:29:00,162 --> 01:29:03,393
- Obadiah.
- Good evening, Parson Yorick.
1798
01:29:03,432 --> 01:29:07,163
Has that cow of yours
calved yet?
1799
01:29:07,203 --> 01:29:09,398
Well, that's just it.
1800
01:29:09,438 --> 01:29:11,235
My cow has not
calved yet.
1801
01:29:11,273 --> 01:29:15,039
Will thou have this woman
to thy wedded wife,
1802
01:29:15,077 --> 01:29:17,204
to live together...
1803
01:29:17,246 --> 01:29:20,238
It so happened that
Obadiah was married
1804
01:29:20,282 --> 01:29:23,115
on the same day my father's bull was
introduced to his cow.
1805
01:29:24,453 --> 01:29:26,614
Now the custom was
that my father's bull
1806
01:29:26,655 --> 01:29:28,953
served all the cows
in the parish.
1807
01:29:28,991 --> 01:29:31,323
But the truth was,
the parish was so large
1808
01:29:31,360 --> 01:29:34,761
my father's bull
was not equal to the task.
1809
01:29:34,797 --> 01:29:37,027
But as he went about
his business
1810
01:29:37,066 --> 01:29:39,261
with a grave face,
1811
01:29:39,301 --> 01:29:42,236
my father regarded him
very highly.
1812
01:29:42,271 --> 01:29:44,671
When the baby was born,
1813
01:29:44,707 --> 01:29:46,766
Obadiah hoped
the cow would calf.
1814
01:29:46,809 --> 01:29:51,576
- She didn't.
-...both water and wine.
1815
01:29:51,614 --> 01:29:53,411
May not a cow
be barren?
1816
01:29:53,449 --> 01:29:56,907
- Never happen.
- My bull is as good one as ever pissed.
1817
01:29:56,952 --> 01:29:59,079
If you attack his character,
you attack his life.
1818
01:29:59,121 --> 01:30:01,817
Good Lord, what is
this story all about?
1819
01:30:01,857 --> 01:30:04,621
Cock and a bull story.
1820
01:30:04,660 --> 01:30:08,687
Cock and a... bull.
1821
01:30:08,731 --> 01:30:11,131
- Mm.
- Cock and bull tale.
1822
01:30:14,470 --> 01:30:17,303
Cock and bull's tale.
1823
01:30:17,339 --> 01:30:21,173
- Cock and bull.
- Cock and bull.
1824
01:30:22,978 --> 01:30:24,809
- Brother.
- Sorry.
1825
01:30:26,282 --> 01:30:28,978
And the best of its kind
I ever heard.
1826
01:30:45,868 --> 01:30:47,392
I like it.
1827
01:30:48,771 --> 01:30:50,261
I thought
it was good.
1828
01:30:50,306 --> 01:30:54,140
That's the area,
that's the area.
1829
01:30:54,176 --> 01:30:56,940
- Right there.
- Okay okay.
1830
01:30:56,979 --> 01:30:59,345
What do you think?
A little piece?
1831
01:30:59,381 --> 01:31:01,906
- A piece?
- Rob, I've seen enough.
1832
01:31:01,951 --> 01:31:04,442
It's registered
logged.
1833
01:31:04,487 --> 01:31:08,218
- But how big is it?
- There is hair,
1834
01:31:08,257 --> 01:31:11,090
- but it's very thin hair.
- I know, I know!
1835
01:31:11,127 --> 01:31:12,788
Just trace
with your finger
1836
01:31:12,828 --> 01:31:15,262
- the actual area.
- You're actually asking me to do that?
1837
01:31:15,297 --> 01:31:17,288
- Fuckin' hell, mate.
- Just trace the area.
1838
01:31:17,333 --> 01:31:19,164
All right,
I'll just trace it,
1839
01:31:19,201 --> 01:31:21,601
from like that.
I'm just tickling the area.
1840
01:31:21,637 --> 01:31:23,901
Oh, I can feel that.
That's good.
1841
01:31:23,939 --> 01:31:25,702
Can you arrange the hair
that's there
1842
01:31:25,741 --> 01:31:27,504
- to cover it?
- No no no!
1843
01:31:27,543 --> 01:31:29,135
'Cause I'm working
in the dark.
1844
01:31:29,178 --> 01:31:31,646
Well, I'm not going to talk to
your fucking head, Rob.
1845
01:31:31,680 --> 01:31:33,978
Did I do more
Al Pacino
1846
01:31:34,016 --> 01:31:36,109
in the car scene?
1847
01:31:36,152 --> 01:31:38,313
- I remember.
- You did a lot more.
1848
01:31:38,354 --> 01:31:39,878
You remember me
doing a lot more?
1849
01:31:39,922 --> 01:31:42,720
- I have to say I'm...
- Sad to see it go.
1850
01:31:42,758 --> 01:31:46,194
It served as a counterpoint
to the stuff Naomie was doing.
1851
01:31:46,228 --> 01:31:48,890
- It did?
- I'm in the dark.
1852
01:31:48,931 --> 01:31:52,833
I do a good Al.
"Shylock is my name."
1853
01:31:52,868 --> 01:31:55,336
- Did you see him in that?
- Yeah.
1854
01:31:55,371 --> 01:31:57,430
I do a good
Al Pacino too,
1855
01:31:57,473 --> 01:31:59,737
but I don't do it in front of people
all the time.
1856
01:31:59,775 --> 01:32:01,504
Because you don't have
the confidence.
1857
01:32:01,544 --> 01:32:03,239
- I understand.
- I do.
1858
01:32:03,279 --> 01:32:05,770
- I feel I can get up there and do it.
- I can do Al Pacino.
1859
01:32:05,814 --> 01:32:08,339
I can do like Al Pacino
in "The Godfather."
1860
01:32:08,384 --> 01:32:10,579
That wasn't great.
My friend...
1861
01:32:10,619 --> 01:32:12,610
When the Godfather
speaks like this,
1862
01:32:12,655 --> 01:32:14,247
"You disrespect
the family."
1863
01:32:14,290 --> 01:32:16,815
- The Godfather talks like this.
- The Godfather speaks like that.
1864
01:32:16,859 --> 01:32:19,828
You have no depth
to the way you speak.
1865
01:32:19,862 --> 01:32:22,558
Because there was no depth
in those days, in those days...
1866
01:32:22,598 --> 01:32:24,930
You know, you sound
like a cartoon now.
1867
01:32:26,001 --> 01:32:28,265
That's not what I'm doing.
1868
01:32:28,304 --> 01:32:29,965
- With respect...
- The Godfather...
1869
01:32:30,005 --> 01:32:33,338
- Let me do Pacino.
- That's the way I do Pacino.
1870
01:32:33,375 --> 01:32:36,674
- Just let me do Pacino.
- That's the way. I was fucking loud!
1871
01:32:36,712 --> 01:32:39,146
Like that!
It's real fucking loud!
1872
01:32:39,181 --> 01:32:42,708
A big sound like that
all the fucking time.
1873
01:32:42,751 --> 01:32:45,311
That's Columbo.
I'm very open.
1874
01:32:45,354 --> 01:32:48,619
I model myself on Pacino.
You can see it on the screen.
1875
01:32:48,657 --> 01:32:51,125
You see it, in fact,
when I lean against a wall.
1876
01:32:51,160 --> 01:32:52,855
Tha... that's Pacino.
1877
01:32:52,895 --> 01:32:55,261
When I do a look of shock,
1878
01:32:55,297 --> 01:32:58,095
that's Pacino.
1879
01:32:58,133 --> 01:33:01,034
Are you being serious now
or are you joking?
1880
01:33:01,070 --> 01:33:03,061
We're in the same business.
1881
01:33:03,105 --> 01:33:05,403
I'm not showy.
That's the last thing I am.
1882
01:33:05,441 --> 01:33:07,966
I look for truth, and that's why
I go to Pacino,
1883
01:33:08,010 --> 01:33:09,875
that's why
I go to Hopkins.
1884
01:33:09,912 --> 01:33:11,880
But no, I go
to actresses as well.
1885
01:33:11,914 --> 01:33:14,474
I go to Streisand.
1886
01:33:14,516 --> 01:33:18,748
I go to Streisand.
I regularly go to Streisand.
1887
01:33:18,787 --> 01:33:20,982
I say,
"What can you give me?"
1888
01:33:21,023 --> 01:33:23,890
and I look at
her body... of work,
1889
01:33:23,926 --> 01:33:25,985
so I have a little bit
from "Hello, Dolly!"
1890
01:33:26,028 --> 01:33:28,258
I'm going to take
a little bit from "Yentl,"
1891
01:33:28,297 --> 01:33:31,095
and put them together,
a whole...
1892
01:33:31,133 --> 01:33:34,193
she would say in Jewish,
and off I go.
1893
01:33:34,236 --> 01:33:36,932
So I've got Streisand
underneath me,
1894
01:33:36,972 --> 01:33:39,167
I've got Hopkins,
I've got Pacino.
1895
01:33:39,208 --> 01:33:41,699
You tell me
where I can't go.
1896
01:33:44,947 --> 01:33:48,405
What do you think?
I've had them done.
1897
01:33:48,450 --> 01:33:50,543
- I know you have.
- What do you think?
1898
01:33:50,586 --> 01:33:53,180
Feel that one.
Look, no crevasse.
1899
01:33:53,222 --> 01:33:55,281
- Feel it.
- Don't ask me to feel your teeth.
1900
01:33:55,324 --> 01:33:57,417
- Just close your eyes and feel it.
- No.
1901
01:33:57,459 --> 01:33:59,654
It's your
fucking teeth. Christ.
1902
01:33:59,695 --> 01:34:03,256
You've got a thing about... whenever
there's a hint of something gay...
1903
01:34:03,299 --> 01:34:05,893
What? This has nothing to do
with "gay."
1904
01:34:05,934 --> 01:34:08,596
That's what it is. You don't want
to touch another man's teeth
1905
01:34:08,637 --> 01:34:12,300
because you're worried you might
be attracted to me. Just touch my teeth.
1906
01:34:12,341 --> 01:34:15,674
- It's good, it's good, it's good.
- Thank you. Thank you.
|