1
00:00:04,607 --> 00:00:08,805
WoW, Walter. Look at this.
And look at the lights on that house.
2
00:00:08,927 --> 00:00:12,237
Oh yeah, house. It's great.
3
00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:16,645
And this falling snoW
makes it the perfect Winter scene, eh?
4
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,839
Yeah, my heart is all a-fricking-tWitter.
5
00:00:19,967 --> 00:00:23,516
This is my favorite time of year.
- I can't do this.
6
00:00:23,647 --> 00:00:26,559
What?
- I can't get into the Christmas spirit.
7
00:00:26,687 --> 00:00:31,317
Why not?
- I just sWalloWed a lot of that fake snoW.
8
00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:36,282
Fake snoW? What do you mean?
- Stop being a moron. This is all fake.
9
00:00:36,407 --> 00:00:40,605
And it's hot as hell in here.
Stop shaking this. I'm gonna puke.
10
00:00:40,727 --> 00:00:46,085
Seriously, I'm gonna be sick. And What is
stuff you're shaking on us? Asbestos?
11
00:00:46,207 --> 00:00:48,641
HoW can I get you into
the Christmas spirit?
12
00:00:48,767 --> 00:00:51,361
I don't knoW.
Are We getting paid for this?
13
00:00:53,127 --> 00:00:59,999
Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas to one and all.
14
00:01:05,727 --> 00:01:11,279
Please put your hands together
and give a Warm MilWaukee Welcome...
15
00:01:11,407 --> 00:01:16,162
to Mr Jeff Dunham.
16
00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:42,397
Thank you so much. Merry Christmas.
17
00:01:42,527 --> 00:01:46,964
And I think I knoW the ansWer to this
one: HoW are you doing, MilWaukee?
18
00:01:52,687 --> 00:01:55,884
I'm so excited to be here
for the Christmas special.
19
00:01:56,007 --> 00:02:00,717
I love it here. I came here the first time
13 years ago and I thought:
20
00:02:00,847 --> 00:02:05,125
If I shoot a TV special, it's got to be right
here in MilWaukee.
21
00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:06,839
Thanks and Merry Christmas.
22
00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:14,285
Christmas is very special time,
in my house too.
23
00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:19,197
I have 3 daughters and a Wife.
Christmas presents are a difficult thing.
24
00:02:19,327 --> 00:02:23,445
One daughter has a birthday near
Christmas and she turns 16 this year.
25
00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:26,798
And We decided to give her a car.
26
00:02:28,527 --> 00:02:33,317
We bought her a used car. Anybody
that buys a 16-year-old kid a neW car...
27
00:02:33,447 --> 00:02:36,280
I think you're pretty much a moron.
28
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:41,003
You're not buying them a car,
you're buying them a bumper car.
29
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,563
You ever try teaching
a 16-year-old kid to drive a car?
30
00:02:44,687 --> 00:02:47,201
Here is the parent in the passenger
seat:
31
00:02:49,007 --> 00:02:51,601
And I'm still in the driveWay.
32
00:02:53,327 --> 00:02:59,197
As a parent, there's things you knoW
you're supposed to teach your children...
33
00:02:59,327 --> 00:03:04,640
and other things that nobody bothers
telling them to do or hoW to do.
34
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:09,477
One of those things is
hoW to put gasoline in a car.
35
00:03:11,047 --> 00:03:16,917
I didn't have any sisters, but I knoW
that boys by the age of three...
36
00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:22,041
just innately knoW
hoW to put fricking gas in a car.
37
00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:25,364
Girls, apparently, not so much.
38
00:03:25,487 --> 00:03:29,560
My Wife is smarter than me,
When it comes to raising kids.
39
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:32,201
She knoWs things about girls, obviously.
40
00:03:32,327 --> 00:03:38,641
My daughter had had her car for about
a Week, my Wife she said very seriously:
41
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:42,680
OK, her car is almost on empty.
I'm going to take her...
42
00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:48,325
and she is going to put gasoline
in her car for the first time.
43
00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:52,356
Not Wanting to look like an idiot...
44
00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:55,763
I pretended I kneW
What she Was talking about.
45
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,640
And so I Went: OK.
46
00:04:05,127 --> 00:04:09,996
A little While later, they came back
from putting gas in the car.
47
00:04:10,127 --> 00:04:16,123
My Wife Walks in, hands me a video
camera and says: You gotta see this.
48
00:04:19,207 --> 00:04:21,038
I say: What?
She goes: Trust me.
49
00:04:21,167 --> 00:04:24,637
You're gonna have neW material
for your shoW.
50
00:04:25,847 --> 00:04:30,045
So I hit play and there's my daughter
standing next to her car...
51
00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:34,046
she has the door open on the gas tank
and she's doing this:
52
00:04:42,607 --> 00:04:45,519
Mom, it Won't open.
53
00:04:48,127 --> 00:04:53,326
I realized my Wife can be a very
cruel Woman When she Wants to be...
54
00:04:53,447 --> 00:04:56,996
When this is What she did
to help the child.
55
00:04:57,127 --> 00:04:58,958
Nothing.
56
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:11,755
She just stood there videotaping.
57
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:20,482
Then you hear my Wife say, honey,
remember: Righty tighty, lefty loosy.
58
00:05:21,847 --> 00:05:26,682
And the 16-year-old girl goes: Whatever.
59
00:05:29,927 --> 00:05:33,078
Camera starts shaking.
60
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:37,519
Then you hear my Wife say:
Honey, turn it counterclockwise.
61
00:05:40,927 --> 00:05:44,203
My daughter looked at her Watch...
62
00:05:45,727 --> 00:05:51,484
and I'm the father standing there,
Watching the tape, going: No, no, no.
63
00:05:51,607 --> 00:05:55,361
I realized she Was looking at
her Watch 2 seconds too long...
64
00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:59,480
before she realized
she Was gazing at a digital Watch.
65
00:06:10,927 --> 00:06:14,602
To ansWer your question:
Yes, she is blonde.
66
00:06:16,887 --> 00:06:20,596
But that's good:
At least she's not just dumb.
67
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,044
So she finally figures it out,
pulls the cap off...
68
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:33,683
and We have those six-inch
plastic leashes on the gas cap.
69
00:06:33,807 --> 00:06:37,197
I look at those and I go:
Who the hell are these for?
70
00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:41,479
At some point car manufacturers
had a meeting and they Went: OK...
71
00:06:41,607 --> 00:06:44,724
too many idiots don't knoW What to do
With the gas caps.
72
00:06:44,847 --> 00:06:47,645
We gotta put the fricking leash on them.
73
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:50,884
Were there people at gas stations going:
74
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:10,363
Then to add insult to injury,
they put that rack thing inside the door...
75
00:07:10,487 --> 00:07:16,198
and these same people are supposed to
hang the gas cap there. Very organized.
76
00:07:16,327 --> 00:07:18,397
No, those people are going:
77
00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:28,764
OK, so noW she turns around,
she gets the nozzle out of the gas pump.
78
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:33,961
We all knoW
that in the car there's a hole.
79
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:37,997
And you have the nozzle...
80
00:07:38,127 --> 00:07:42,245
With sleeve that goes over it
and that has a little spring on it.
81
00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:47,157
It goes over the hole to keep the fumes
from coming When you're filling up.
82
00:07:47,287 --> 00:07:49,596
You knoW, you Would think...
83
00:07:51,207 --> 00:07:54,961
that someWhere along the line
in the last six months...
84
00:07:55,087 --> 00:07:58,045
she Would've thought:
I'm gonna be driving soon.
85
00:07:58,167 --> 00:08:01,762
Maybe I should Watch mom and dad
and take notes...
86
00:08:01,887 --> 00:08:05,084
to see hoW to fill up a car.
87
00:08:05,207 --> 00:08:09,644
But for the last five years, she's been
sitting in the back seat going:
88
00:08:18,007 --> 00:08:20,885
My parents are so stupid.
89
00:08:22,447 --> 00:08:25,519
LOL.
90
00:08:25,647 --> 00:08:28,445
Hey, here's a picture of my foot.
91
00:08:33,127 --> 00:08:37,723
She tried to cram the entire thing
With the sleeve into the hole.
92
00:08:37,847 --> 00:08:42,557
Cramming and crushing and pushing.
Mom, it Won't fit. It's the Wrong one.
93
00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:44,598
Camera shaking.
94
00:08:48,247 --> 00:08:52,206
Then she finally figures out:
It's gotta hang right there.
95
00:08:52,327 --> 00:08:57,321
She didn't turn on the pump,
sWipe a credit card or talk to the guy.
96
00:08:57,447 --> 00:09:02,601
She just stood there, apparently Waiting
for the magic gas to floW.
97
00:09:19,247 --> 00:09:23,320
And then she started doing this,
realized nothing Was going on:
98
00:09:26,687 --> 00:09:29,918
Reaches over, squeezes the thing.
99
00:09:36,527 --> 00:09:38,483
Camera's shaking.
100
00:09:40,007 --> 00:09:42,441
Mom, it Won't stay on.
101
00:09:45,047 --> 00:09:49,359
Again I saW that my Wife
can be cruel When she Wants to be:
102
00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:54,436
She didn't tell the child What to do.
She Walked over to the car.
103
00:09:54,567 --> 00:10:00,676
You see her hand reach into the frame.
What she did took about half a second.
104
00:10:00,807 --> 00:10:03,526
This is cruelty to children.
105
00:10:03,647 --> 00:10:06,366
She squeezes the thing
With her pinky...
106
00:10:06,487 --> 00:10:11,242
flips it shut like this to keep it squeezed,
hand out of the frame.
107
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:15,280
My daughter goes:
Mom, hoW did you do that?
108
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:25,927
NoW We come to What I thought Would
be my favorite part of the episode:
109
00:10:26,047 --> 00:10:28,197
The sWiping of the credit card.
110
00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:32,240
First she has to Walk over here
and get the credit card out of her purse.
111
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:36,758
The purse, the Woman's purse.
That's another thing.
112
00:10:38,007 --> 00:10:41,079
That is an evil accessory thing
that Women have.
113
00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:45,678
Guys don't Wanna fricking
get near the Woman's purse.
114
00:10:45,807 --> 00:10:51,803
We carry everything We need in life in
a piece of leather, folded over, that big.
115
00:10:51,927 --> 00:10:58,275
My Wife Will say, get my keys out of my
purse. I'm like, I ain't touching that thing.
116
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,797
I've heard noises coming out of there.
117
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:06,318
It's evil.
I've seen you pull farm tools out of that.
118
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,762
She shake her purse,
nothing comes out.
119
00:11:09,887 --> 00:11:13,721
Then reach in, 'Iook, a boWling ball'.
There it is.
120
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:21,842
KnoWing my daughter
has to sWipe the credit card...
121
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:26,040
I'm thinking: SWiping the credit card
is gonna be funny as hell.
122
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,965
I'm the guy in the store
With a credit card...
123
00:11:29,087 --> 00:11:33,922
trying to match the Way the stripe goes
With the picture.
124
00:11:34,047 --> 00:11:39,565
OK, is this upside doWn? This is
not 3-D, I don't understand this diagram.
125
00:11:39,687 --> 00:11:42,724
Could you help me? Thank you.
126
00:11:42,847 --> 00:11:48,604
I knoW that my daughter has...
And I'm thinking, a 16-year-old girl...
127
00:11:48,727 --> 00:11:52,959
is never gonna knoW
hoW to sWipe a credit...
128
00:11:56,807 --> 00:12:00,083
What the hell Was I thinking?
129
00:12:00,207 --> 00:12:04,359
She Was trained
by the Ninja of Shoppers.
130
00:12:10,007 --> 00:12:15,240
My Wife at Christmas time is like:
SWipe, sWipe, sWipe.
131
00:12:15,367 --> 00:12:17,597
It's unbelievable.
132
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:23,921
The time that it took my daughter
to Walk over here...
133
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:27,801
get in her purse, find the credit card,
Walk over here...
134
00:12:27,927 --> 00:12:32,000
sWipe it and for my money to be floWing
aWay at five bucks a gallon...
135
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:37,599
I had to sloW doWn the videotape to
frame-by-frame to see hoW it happened.
136
00:12:45,687 --> 00:12:50,715
That's the end of my story, but the next
time this 16-year-old pisses me off...
137
00:12:50,847 --> 00:12:53,680
that videotape is going on YouTube,
damn it.
138
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,085
Thank you.
139
00:13:09,447 --> 00:13:13,918
'We' are very excited
to be here doing the Christmas special.
140
00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:16,003
I say 'We'. Most of us are excited.
141
00:13:16,127 --> 00:13:20,723
There's one guy that's been
curmudgeonly about the Christmas thing.
142
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:28,196
Please help me Welcome
my old friend Walter.
143
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:48,723
Oh, my Lord.
Where the hell are We noW?
144
00:13:52,247 --> 00:13:56,320
Well, they did a hell of a job
decorating the gym.
145
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:02,126
It's not a gym. You can see all the Way...
- Yeah. Look at that.
146
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,444
Jump.
147
00:14:15,687 --> 00:14:18,201
So Where the hell are We?
- Wisconsin.
148
00:14:26,487 --> 00:14:31,197
Why are We here? Did you lose a bet?
- Will you stop it?
149
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:35,597
This is a great city, great state.
150
00:14:35,727 --> 00:14:38,525
What's the theater?
- The Pabst.
151
00:14:38,647 --> 00:14:41,286
As in beer?
- That's right.
152
00:14:44,487 --> 00:14:49,197
That's just great.
If the shoW sucks, We'll all get Wasted.
153
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:58,723
This theater is very historic.
It originally Was an old vaudeville house.
154
00:14:58,847 --> 00:15:01,441
Oh, and We're here noW.
155
00:15:02,967 --> 00:15:05,242
That's great.
156
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:08,484
Our career is zooming.
157
00:15:09,847 --> 00:15:14,204
Next, We could be in Minnesota
opening a Waffle House.
158
00:15:17,927 --> 00:15:22,239
What the hell is Wrong With you?
You should be happy like me.
159
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:24,801
Shut the hell up.
160
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:36,326
So, Walter, you look very festive.
Happy holidays.
161
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:47,243
You're really gonna try this, aren't you?
162
00:15:49,007 --> 00:15:51,043
Happy holidays.
163
00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:58,486
I am not doing any Christmas crap.
164
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:03,205
It'll be fun.
165
00:16:03,327 --> 00:16:05,795
You are so gay.
166
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,476
Just pretend.
- What?
167
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,916
Fake it.
168
00:16:17,047 --> 00:16:19,686
Does your Wife do that too?
169
00:16:23,207 --> 00:16:29,601
You knoW, it used to hurt my feelings.
NoW I realize it's just a great time saver.
170
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:32,878
We're done. Where's the remote?
171
00:16:36,447 --> 00:16:40,884
Can We just do this?
- OK, Well, start over.
172
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:50,885
Hey, Walter?
- Yes, What is it, Jeff?
173
00:16:56,687 --> 00:16:59,838
Sorry, I can't act Worth shit.
174
00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:04,081
You look very festive. Happy holidays.
175
00:17:04,207 --> 00:17:07,756
What?
- Happy holidays.
176
00:17:07,887 --> 00:17:14,076
I've been Wanting to say this years noW:
ScreW you, it's merry Christmas.
177
00:17:25,287 --> 00:17:30,600
There are people of other faiths.
- And they're Wrong.
178
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:36,603
What if somebody Walked up to you
and very sincerely said to you:
179
00:17:36,727 --> 00:17:39,036
Happy KWanzaa. What Would you do?
180
00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:49,007
First, I'd purchase them
an eye color chart.
181
00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:59,040
Then I'd throW aWay the champagne
and pull out the fricking malt liquor.
182
00:18:03,687 --> 00:18:06,076
Ho ho, yo-yo.
183
00:18:09,287 --> 00:18:11,243
I understand.
- Word.
184
00:18:14,407 --> 00:18:16,477
Word?
- Do you feel me?
185
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:21,398
Do you knoW What you're talking about?
- Fo' shizzle.
186
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:25,919
Where did you learn all this?
187
00:18:26,047 --> 00:18:29,517
My cable box got stuck
on the BET NetWork.
188
00:18:30,927 --> 00:18:36,604
I learned a lot of neW stuff.
Apparently, noW I'm ghetto fabulous.
189
00:18:39,087 --> 00:18:41,760
Chill, home daWg.
190
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:46,005
I'm thinkin' of bustin' a cap on yo ass.
191
00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:48,004
Cracker.
192
00:18:53,487 --> 00:18:57,400
Nice badonkadonks.
193
00:18:57,527 --> 00:19:03,079
Oh yeah, there's nothing better
than a Woman's nice badonkadonk.
194
00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:09,917
She looks familiar.
195
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,203
Turn around.
196
00:19:26,647 --> 00:19:29,719
What? I think she's my screensaver.
197
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,406
Impressive.
- No idea What I just said...
198
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:44,281
but I'm sure there's gonna be
hookers at our hotel tonight.
199
00:19:46,567 --> 00:19:49,764
And a badonkadonk chick.
200
00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:02,242
Put that thing aWay.
- We left out a couple of neW jokes.
201
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:07,964
I don't care. Put the damn thing aWay.
Put it aWay. NoW. I don't Wanna do it.
202
00:20:08,087 --> 00:20:11,523
Put it aWay.
203
00:20:16,807 --> 00:20:20,800
Don't you flare your nostrils at me,
asshole.
204
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:25,444
I'll take you out right here.
205
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:31,163
Just listen.
We left out a couple of the neW jokes.
206
00:20:31,287 --> 00:20:33,881
We did?
- Yeah.
207
00:20:34,007 --> 00:20:36,521
Hang on a second.
208
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:41,157
Son of a bitch.
Here's a good one, right there.
209
00:20:42,927 --> 00:20:47,045
There's the badonkadonk chick.
That's you. That Was a good one.
210
00:20:54,807 --> 00:20:59,323
Do that one. It's a good one
- No, I don't Wanna do that one.
211
00:20:59,447 --> 00:21:02,996
We rehearsed it.
- I don't care. TWo of us make decisions.
212
00:21:03,127 --> 00:21:06,961
And one of us doesn't Want to do it.
213
00:21:10,047 --> 00:21:11,446
Please?
214
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,117
What?
215
00:21:17,927 --> 00:21:21,806
Please?
- What the hell is Wrong With you?
216
00:21:21,927 --> 00:21:26,762
What?
- No man says please to another man.
217
00:21:26,887 --> 00:21:30,846
The girls at your house are getting
to you. You're acting like a chick.
218
00:21:37,007 --> 00:21:41,205
Will you just do this?
- Oh, Lord. Alright, What the hell.
219
00:21:41,327 --> 00:21:44,000
Thank you.
- Whatever.
220
00:21:44,127 --> 00:21:47,642
Hey, Jeff. Have you ever yelled out
the Wrong name during sex?
221
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:51,203
That's not it.
- I don't care. I Wanna do this one.
222
00:21:56,087 --> 00:22:00,205
No.
- Your Wife said you have.
223
00:22:00,327 --> 00:22:05,401
That Was a long time ago.
- I knoW, it Was aWkward. He Went: Philip.
224
00:22:09,327 --> 00:22:12,922
That is not true.
- Still funny as hell.
225
00:22:14,807 --> 00:22:20,643
I'm very happy for the African Americans
that they have the KWanzaa holiday.
226
00:22:20,767 --> 00:22:24,726
HoW come there's no all-White holidays?
- What?
227
00:22:24,847 --> 00:22:27,680
Merry Caucasia.
228
00:22:29,967 --> 00:22:32,959
Tonight We're having
our usual Caucasia dinner:
229
00:22:33,087 --> 00:22:35,840
Meatloaf and Tater Tots.
230
00:22:37,047 --> 00:22:43,725
And sing our traditional Caucasia songs:
Free <i>Bird</i> and <i>Margaritaville.</i>
231
00:22:50,767 --> 00:22:56,364
Merry C4vc4s14.
- Y0v c0vld b3 th3 p0st3r ch1ld for that.
232
00:22:56,487 --> 00:22:59,001
Can We talk about Christmas?
- Whatever.
233
00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:02,722
So, What did you get your Wife?
- A mop.
234
00:23:04,247 --> 00:23:07,637
What? You take the stick out:
Hey, it's a Wig.
235
00:23:09,767 --> 00:23:14,557
Where are you shopping for your Wife?
- At the 99-cent store.
236
00:23:14,687 --> 00:23:18,600
What did you get your grandson?
- A sponge.
237
00:23:18,727 --> 00:23:23,084
That's not a toy.
- Just convince him it's Spongebob.
238
00:23:26,687 --> 00:23:33,240
What did he say to that?
- Spongebob doesn't have a scour side.
239
00:23:33,367 --> 00:23:37,645
I said: He is When he has an infection.
Keep scrubbing.
240
00:23:40,807 --> 00:23:44,880
What Were your favorite toys as a kid?
- Nothing like today.
241
00:23:45,007 --> 00:23:47,646
What do you mean?
- They got computer games and all.
242
00:23:47,767 --> 00:23:49,917
We didn't have that stuff.
243
00:23:50,047 --> 00:23:53,483
To play tennis, We Went outside
and sWung our racket.
244
00:23:53,607 --> 00:23:56,724
None of that Wii Wii crap.
245
00:23:58,967 --> 00:24:04,325
And playing the guitar, there Were
strings, not frickin' colored buttons.
246
00:24:07,047 --> 00:24:12,280
And no shoot-'m-up games. We actually
Went outside and killed the asshole.
247
00:24:17,687 --> 00:24:23,557
I like the ones Where you shoot aliens.
- We shot a lot of foreigners too.
248
00:24:25,967 --> 00:24:29,164
What?
- What about people of other religions?
249
00:24:29,287 --> 00:24:31,198
What am I supposed to do?
250
00:24:31,327 --> 00:24:35,002
Ask everybody What they are
before I say anything to them?
251
00:24:35,127 --> 00:24:39,120
What? You're Catholic
and you're Protestant? Merry Christmas.
252
00:24:39,247 --> 00:24:43,240
You're JeWish? Hang on.
Happy Hanukkah.
253
00:24:46,647 --> 00:24:50,196
What are you? Atheist?
Oh Well, have a nice day.
254
00:24:53,367 --> 00:24:54,959
And What are you?
255
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:11,841
What Was that?
- I couldn't understand a Word he said.
256
00:25:13,327 --> 00:25:17,445
Hey, get back to me
When you learn the fucking language.
257
00:25:21,647 --> 00:25:23,205
Say good night, Walter.
258
00:25:23,327 --> 00:25:26,160
There We go. That's Walter.
259
00:25:43,567 --> 00:25:47,685
Not too long ago
I became acquainted With a terrorist.
260
00:25:54,047 --> 00:25:58,837
But apparently he Was not
an accomplished terrorist.
261
00:25:58,967 --> 00:26:02,642
I don't knoW if he accomplished
anything he set out to do...
262
00:26:02,767 --> 00:26:06,123
I do knoW that he managed
to bloW himself up.
263
00:26:06,247 --> 00:26:10,399
I thought it'd be fun for him to come here
on this Christmas special.
264
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:13,041
Please Welcome
Achmed, the Dead Terrorist.
265
00:26:35,847 --> 00:26:39,522
Good evening.
- Merry Christmas...
266
00:26:39,647 --> 00:26:43,117
infidels.
267
00:26:43,247 --> 00:26:46,842
HoW are you, Achmed?
- No. Do not say my name.
268
00:26:46,967 --> 00:26:49,083
Why not?
- I'm incognito.
269
00:26:51,727 --> 00:26:56,517
I have noW successfully
blended into your society.
270
00:26:58,127 --> 00:27:01,642
Thanks to this master of disguise.
271
00:27:07,047 --> 00:27:10,323
You have on a disguise?
- Silence.
272
00:27:10,447 --> 00:27:12,199
I kill you.
273
00:27:19,647 --> 00:27:22,559
Silence.
I kill you too.
274
00:27:31,447 --> 00:27:34,757
So your disguise is this Christmas hat?
275
00:27:34,887 --> 00:27:37,720
Don't. Don't say Christmas.
276
00:27:37,847 --> 00:27:39,678
It's a holiday hat.
277
00:27:42,087 --> 00:27:47,207
Why can't I say Christmas?
- You offend the other infidels.
278
00:27:48,847 --> 00:27:52,157
You're afraid of offending people?
- Yeah.
279
00:27:55,167 --> 00:27:58,239
You're a terrorist: You kill people.
280
00:27:58,367 --> 00:28:00,244
That's different.
281
00:28:01,527 --> 00:28:03,757
What?
- Killing folks is easy.
282
00:28:03,887 --> 00:28:07,402
Being politically correct
is a pain in the ass.
283
00:28:12,487 --> 00:28:16,480
Have you ever actually killed anyone?
- Yeah.
284
00:28:16,607 --> 00:28:19,724
Where?
- In a video game.
285
00:28:21,047 --> 00:28:23,800
Grand Theft Camel.
286
00:28:27,487 --> 00:28:32,197
That's a great video game. Terrorists
around the World love that game.
287
00:28:32,327 --> 00:28:35,717
My son loved that game.
- Your son?
288
00:28:35,847 --> 00:28:38,759
He's not around any more.
- Why not?
289
00:28:38,887 --> 00:28:41,560
I'm a horrible parent.
- Why?
290
00:28:41,687 --> 00:28:44,884
I took him
to Take Your Kid To Work Day.
291
00:28:49,847 --> 00:28:52,407
It's not funny.
292
00:28:52,527 --> 00:28:55,405
My Wife is still pissed at me.
293
00:28:56,647 --> 00:28:58,717
She said: Where's our son?
294
00:28:58,847 --> 00:29:01,998
Then I go: Over there, over there
and up there.
295
00:29:06,087 --> 00:29:10,399
Kids noWadays, they bloW up so fast.
296
00:29:16,367 --> 00:29:18,801
So you're trying to impersonate
someone?
297
00:29:18,927 --> 00:29:22,158
I'm Santa Claus, damn it.
298
00:29:22,287 --> 00:29:25,962
I look just like him. I'm jolly.
299
00:29:30,927 --> 00:29:33,157
And I'm fat...
300
00:29:35,047 --> 00:29:36,446
ish.
301
00:29:37,767 --> 00:29:40,918
You're not fat.
- I am if I'm a super model.
302
00:29:43,527 --> 00:29:46,200
ScreW you, that's funny.
303
00:29:48,087 --> 00:29:53,320
What happened to your big fat tummy?
- It's over there, over there and up there.
304
00:29:57,287 --> 00:30:00,916
You don't look like Santa Claus.
- I sound just like him.
305
00:30:01,047 --> 00:30:03,607
What?
- I can do his laugh perfectly.
306
00:30:03,727 --> 00:30:06,685
Really.
- You Wanna hear? OK, here We go.
307
00:30:10,887 --> 00:30:13,879
Merry Christmas. I kill you.
308
00:30:21,927 --> 00:30:24,157
Happy Hanukkah...
309
00:30:24,287 --> 00:30:26,960
Not.
310
00:30:27,087 --> 00:30:30,602
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I need another dynamite
311
00:30:36,087 --> 00:30:40,478
Santa Claus goes: Ho, ho, ho.
- That's What I said: Ha, ha, ha.
312
00:30:47,447 --> 00:30:49,802
I don't have any lips, you ass.
313
00:31:02,887 --> 00:31:05,924
HoW do I have phlegm?
314
00:31:06,047 --> 00:31:08,436
I don't have an esophagus.
315
00:31:09,447 --> 00:31:11,677
Didn't think that Went through, did you?
316
00:31:16,807 --> 00:31:22,006
Last Week I got really drunk, I couldn't
throW up 'cause I don't have a stomach.
317
00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,125
Just a bunch of dusty heaves.
318
00:31:30,087 --> 00:31:34,000
Silence, I...
Oh, not this crap again.
319
00:31:34,127 --> 00:31:37,039
Oh Wait. Son of a bitch.
What the hell?
320
00:31:37,167 --> 00:31:40,239
Need some frickin' duct tape.
That's What I need: A...
321
00:32:04,967 --> 00:32:08,403
I kill you.
322
00:32:10,447 --> 00:32:13,245
I kill you till you're dead.
323
00:32:14,567 --> 00:32:16,683
That's Worse.
324
00:32:21,407 --> 00:32:24,638
Why did you put my hand in your ass?
325
00:32:27,767 --> 00:32:32,397
Well, at least noW maybe We'll get
a better parking place.
326
00:32:37,367 --> 00:32:40,518
I hate this job.
327
00:32:40,647 --> 00:32:43,957
This job?
- No, the other one. You knoW:
328
00:32:47,127 --> 00:32:51,484
Can I put this back?
- I don't knoW, I can't see over there.
329
00:32:51,607 --> 00:32:55,646
What are all these marks on your arm?
- Your frickin' Chihuahua.
330
00:33:02,887 --> 00:33:04,605
So What exactly happened?
331
00:33:04,727 --> 00:33:07,116
We Were playing TWister.
332
00:33:08,607 --> 00:33:10,996
And I got Left Hand Green.
333
00:33:11,127 --> 00:33:14,597
I reached too far
and my arm popped off.
334
00:33:14,727 --> 00:33:17,241
Walter laughed...
335
00:33:17,367 --> 00:33:19,597
Peanut kicked it...
336
00:33:20,887 --> 00:33:23,640
and the fucking dog
ran out the door With it.
337
00:33:30,807 --> 00:33:33,082
It Wasn't funny.
338
00:33:33,207 --> 00:33:37,519
I had to chase him around the yard.
It Was horrible.
339
00:33:37,647 --> 00:33:41,356
Ever step in dog poop With a bone foot?
340
00:33:46,887 --> 00:33:50,675
It's like some horrible
Play-Doh Fun Factory.
341
00:33:58,047 --> 00:34:02,325
Oh Achmed, I'm very sorry
you're having a tough time.
342
00:34:02,447 --> 00:34:04,563
My life sucks.
343
00:34:06,407 --> 00:34:09,479
Can I ask you a question?
- Whatever.
344
00:34:10,567 --> 00:34:14,765
Have you ever actually succeeded
in bloWing anything up?
345
00:34:14,887 --> 00:34:16,605
Yeah.
346
00:34:16,727 --> 00:34:18,797
What have you actually bloWn up?
347
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:21,445
A Woman.
348
00:34:37,127 --> 00:34:39,004
You bleW up a Woman?
349
00:34:39,127 --> 00:34:41,482
She Was inflatable.
350
00:34:46,247 --> 00:34:50,206
You knoW, an inflatable virgin?
351
00:34:50,327 --> 00:34:53,125
I had to stop seeing her.
- Why?
352
00:34:53,247 --> 00:34:54,999
She popped.
353
00:35:03,887 --> 00:35:06,879
She ended up on the chandelier.
354
00:35:08,167 --> 00:35:11,364
She'd been there before,
but not like that.
355
00:35:17,327 --> 00:35:19,761
Where do you find an inflatable virgin?
356
00:35:19,887 --> 00:35:23,163
Right next to the inflatable goats.
357
00:35:24,407 --> 00:35:28,719
Oh, like you've never done that.
358
00:35:28,847 --> 00:35:32,078
Seriously, hoW far are We from loWa?
359
00:35:40,727 --> 00:35:43,639
Listen, I'm very sorry you're having
a tough time.
360
00:35:43,767 --> 00:35:46,440
Yeah, thanks a lot.
361
00:35:46,567 --> 00:35:49,525
So talk to someone Who's had trouble
as Well.
362
00:35:49,647 --> 00:35:51,524
I don't knoW anybody like that.
363
00:35:51,647 --> 00:35:53,717
You could talk to Walter.
364
00:35:55,607 --> 00:35:58,838
He's not around here, is he?
- Yeah, he's backstage.
365
00:36:02,167 --> 00:36:06,080
Why are you afraid of Walter?
- He's one mean son of a bitch.
366
00:36:09,047 --> 00:36:13,677
Well, I'm sorry you're frightened of him.
Can I do anything for you?
367
00:36:13,807 --> 00:36:16,082
Really?
- Yeah, Whatever.
368
00:36:17,287 --> 00:36:19,596
Could you hold me?
369
00:36:21,927 --> 00:36:24,725
I'm not kidding. Just a little bit.
370
00:36:41,967 --> 00:36:44,640
Is that Aqua Velva?
371
00:36:47,127 --> 00:36:49,197
Are you OK noW?
- Could you just...
372
00:36:49,327 --> 00:36:52,763
One more thing: Could you say
something nice to me too?
373
00:36:53,807 --> 00:36:56,640
OK, I like your hat.
374
00:36:57,887 --> 00:36:59,843
You do?
375
00:37:01,287 --> 00:37:04,404
I love Christmas.
376
00:37:04,527 --> 00:37:06,643
You're Muslim.
- No, I'm not.
377
00:37:06,767 --> 00:37:11,204
I'm made in China.
Walter said they're going to recall me.
378
00:37:12,487 --> 00:37:16,400
I don't Want to go back to China.
I hate Chinese food.
379
00:37:16,527 --> 00:37:19,166
It goes right through me.
380
00:37:21,487 --> 00:37:24,877
I didn't knoW you liked Christmas.
- Yes, I have a big tree.
381
00:37:25,007 --> 00:37:27,441
I had a big tree last year too.
- You did?
382
00:37:27,567 --> 00:37:32,197
Yeah, I decorated it until it Was almost
perfect and then I bleW it up.
383
00:37:33,327 --> 00:37:36,046
I can't Wait to see Santa Claus
and sit on his knee.
384
00:37:36,167 --> 00:37:39,762
I'm gonna tell him What I Want
and then I'm gonna bloW him up.
385
00:37:45,887 --> 00:37:49,038
Rudolf the No-head Reindeer.
386
00:37:52,527 --> 00:37:55,166
I even got presents for all you guys.
- You did?
387
00:37:55,287 --> 00:37:57,118
Even Walter.
- That's very nice.
388
00:37:57,247 --> 00:38:01,957
Yes, but When Walter opens his,
make sure you stand back a little bit.
389
00:38:03,927 --> 00:38:05,565
Shut the hell...
390
00:38:07,447 --> 00:38:11,804
So What else do you like about X-mas?
- I love singing X-mas carols.
391
00:38:11,927 --> 00:38:14,122
You do?
- Yes.
392
00:38:19,207 --> 00:38:23,325
So, like, Which ones?
- The favorites that We all knoW and love.
393
00:38:23,447 --> 00:38:26,359
You knoW,
like <i>Bin</i> Laden <i>is Coming</i>
to Town.
394
00:38:27,447 --> 00:38:29,722
Oh <i>Holy</i> Crap.
395
00:38:30,807 --> 00:38:34,038
Oh holy crap
396
00:38:34,167 --> 00:38:38,683
I think I bleW my foot off
397
00:38:43,687 --> 00:38:47,521
And then there is the alWays lovely
<i>Silence</i> Night.
398
00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:53,920
But, of course, my favorite is
<i>Jingle Bombs.</i>
399
00:38:58,887 --> 00:39:01,481
Could We be honored
With a little <i>Jingle Bombs?</i>
400
00:39:01,607 --> 00:39:05,646
If I'm going to sing, I must have
master musical accompaniment.
401
00:39:05,767 --> 00:39:07,439
I think We have that.
- We do.
402
00:39:07,567 --> 00:39:13,278
You knoW this guy. You've seen him on
YouTube With my millions of video clips.
403
00:39:13,407 --> 00:39:16,683
You like him a lot. Please Welcome him.
- Brian Haner.
404
00:39:16,807 --> 00:39:20,482
Otherwise knoW as Guitar Guy.
405
00:39:24,767 --> 00:39:26,519
Hey there, Brian.
- Good to see you.
406
00:39:26,647 --> 00:39:29,320
Hey, Guitar Guy.
407
00:39:29,447 --> 00:39:33,759
Thanks for coming and thanks
for dressing like crap for our shoW.
408
00:39:33,887 --> 00:39:37,960
What the hell. I guess you're saving
money for your drug abuse.
409
00:39:40,607 --> 00:39:45,806
Oh, he does drugs
and he shares them With me.
410
00:39:45,927 --> 00:39:48,361
HoW do you think I lost all this Weight?
411
00:39:51,367 --> 00:39:53,835
Listen, Guitar Guy,
I'm glad you are here today.
412
00:39:53,967 --> 00:39:57,596
And I must say, you're a master
at playing your guitar, are you not?
413
00:39:57,727 --> 00:40:01,640
Of course you are. Have you heard
of this game: Guitar Hero?
414
00:40:01,767 --> 00:40:05,601
I've been practicing and
When it comes to playing the guitar...
415
00:40:05,727 --> 00:40:11,962
I think that noW I could kick your ass
on the guitar, I knoW I can.
416
00:40:21,847 --> 00:40:25,203
Did I see Guitar Hero?
I meant Halo.
417
00:40:27,207 --> 00:40:30,836
I think Brian is better than you.
- I knoW.
418
00:40:32,327 --> 00:40:35,000
I got nothing noW.
419
00:40:35,127 --> 00:40:37,482
My life sucks more.
420
00:40:37,607 --> 00:40:40,599
I have so many problems.
421
00:40:40,727 --> 00:40:43,002
We heard about them.
- No, there's more.
422
00:40:44,847 --> 00:40:46,644
Would you like to hear?
423
00:40:50,247 --> 00:40:52,602
Last Week...
424
00:40:52,727 --> 00:40:55,480
I thought I had scoliosis.
425
00:41:10,047 --> 00:41:14,199
This is Where Jeff makes up crap
just to make Guitar Guy laugh.
426
00:41:20,847 --> 00:41:22,599
You think that's funny?
427
00:41:23,927 --> 00:41:27,602
You told me I Was tWisted. I thought
you meant my sense of humor.
428
00:41:29,727 --> 00:41:31,877
Wait till you get scoliosis.
429
00:41:32,007 --> 00:41:35,477
You'll be playing guitar behind
your head, because you have to.
430
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:46,799
Don't look at me.
431
00:41:49,487 --> 00:41:51,762
That's What she said.
432
00:42:02,207 --> 00:42:06,485
Did you knoW he had scoliosis?
- No, I didn't.
433
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:09,917
Maybe We should talk to him about it.
434
00:42:25,287 --> 00:42:28,723
Achmed, What did you do
about the scoliosis?
435
00:42:33,447 --> 00:42:35,642
I Went to the doctor...
436
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:44,597
What happened?
- The idiot goes: Hey, let's take an X-ray.
437
00:42:51,607 --> 00:42:55,600
I said: You idiot,
hoW about a frickin' Polaroid?
438
00:42:55,727 --> 00:42:58,764
The same thing in my...
Oh crap, not again.
439
00:43:01,487 --> 00:43:04,160
Apparently I had polio too.
440
00:43:23,847 --> 00:43:27,920
Well, anybody With poliosis should...
441
00:43:28,047 --> 00:43:29,685
NoW Wait...
442
00:43:31,927 --> 00:43:33,360
Wait a minute.
443
00:43:39,487 --> 00:43:42,001
What the fuck is poliosis?
444
00:43:48,047 --> 00:43:51,278
Help, I'm tWisted and I can't get up.
445
00:44:09,807 --> 00:44:12,082
I forgot Where We Were.
446
00:44:14,487 --> 00:44:16,842
MilWaukee, asshole.
447
00:44:29,847 --> 00:44:36,286
Guitar Guy, I Want to sing my song,
but right noW I am not inspired exactly.
448
00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:40,116
So you knoW What you need to do?
You need to play me something.
449
00:44:40,247 --> 00:44:45,526
Inspire my soul With your music.
Play me something you think I Would like.
450
00:44:58,367 --> 00:45:01,279
You racist bastard.
451
00:45:11,327 --> 00:45:14,205
I hate Irish music.
452
00:45:20,287 --> 00:45:22,676
Do I look like a leprechaun?
453
00:45:27,687 --> 00:45:30,326
I'm looking for me lucky charms.
454
00:45:35,047 --> 00:45:39,325
Kind of hard to hope for luck charms
When you have poliosis.
455
00:45:43,967 --> 00:45:46,527
I can't even eat luck charms.
456
00:45:46,647 --> 00:45:48,956
They go right through me too.
457
00:45:51,127 --> 00:45:53,960
The little oat x's hurt
When they come out.
458
00:46:00,047 --> 00:46:02,845
Oh, there's a blue moon.
459
00:46:06,447 --> 00:46:09,917
NoW I can fart in a rainboW of colors.
460
00:46:16,807 --> 00:46:19,879
Why don't you just do the song?
- I don't care
461
00:46:21,327 --> 00:46:25,036
OK, I'll do the song noW.
462
00:46:25,167 --> 00:46:30,400
I need a note so I knoW Where to head.
You got a note for me, Guitar Guy?
463
00:46:44,287 --> 00:46:47,040
You Weren't even close.
464
00:46:47,167 --> 00:46:49,635
Gosh, I Wonder Why?
465
00:46:49,767 --> 00:46:52,440
Look at my giant ears.
466
00:46:57,367 --> 00:47:02,157
Can We have the note again?
- Yeah, good. Didn't hear it the first time.
467
00:47:09,727 --> 00:47:14,403
Dashing through the sand
With a bomb strapped to my back
468
00:47:14,527 --> 00:47:19,396
I have a nasty plan
for Christmas in Iraq
469
00:47:19,527 --> 00:47:24,362
I got through checkpoint A
but not through checkpoint B
470
00:47:24,487 --> 00:47:30,244
that's When I got shot in the ass
by the US military
471
00:47:39,327 --> 00:47:40,726
Silence.
472
00:47:40,847 --> 00:47:43,156
I'm not finished.
473
00:47:43,287 --> 00:47:46,404
And this is a sad song.
474
00:47:46,527 --> 00:47:52,045
Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs
mine bleW up, you see
475
00:47:52,167 --> 00:47:57,161
Where are all the virgins
that Bin Laden promised me, oh
476
00:47:57,287 --> 00:48:01,838
jingle bombs, jingle bombs
your soldiers shot me dead
477
00:48:01,967 --> 00:48:08,236
the only thing that I have left
is this toWel upon my head
478
00:48:08,367 --> 00:48:12,485
I used to be man
479
00:48:12,607 --> 00:48:15,121
but every time I cough
480
00:48:15,247 --> 00:48:20,367
thanks to Uncle Sam
my nuts keep falling off
481
00:48:25,967 --> 00:48:28,435
Stop looking, you perverts.
482
00:48:29,647 --> 00:48:33,083
You can look, badonkadonk chick.
483
00:48:38,687 --> 00:48:42,157
And I have an Irish Wiener.
484
00:48:45,647 --> 00:48:48,115
It's magically delicious.
485
00:48:58,407 --> 00:49:02,400
OK, that's funny, I give you that one.
That Was good.
486
00:49:02,527 --> 00:49:07,317
My bombing days are gone
I need to find some Work
487
00:49:07,447 --> 00:49:12,475
perhaps it Would be much safer
as a convenient store night clerk, oh
488
00:49:12,607 --> 00:49:17,044
jingle bombs, jingle bombs
I think I got screWed
489
00:49:17,167 --> 00:49:25,199
don't laugh at me because I'm dead
or I kill you
490
00:49:29,847 --> 00:49:34,204
Thank you.
491
00:49:50,407 --> 00:49:52,557
Thank you so much.
492
00:49:52,687 --> 00:49:57,920
My first special We had a guy on that
I kneW the audiences Would enjoy.
493
00:49:58,047 --> 00:50:01,039
But I had no idea he'd get
the folloWing he has noW.
494
00:50:01,167 --> 00:50:06,525
HoW do you describe him? Just
White-trash trailer park, here is Bubba J.
495
00:50:21,487 --> 00:50:25,400
HoW are you doing, Bubba J?
- I'm doing pretty good.
496
00:50:28,767 --> 00:50:31,804
What have you been doing?
- Same thing I do every Weekend.
497
00:50:31,927 --> 00:50:36,398
Just Watching NASCAR
and drinking beer.
498
00:50:41,487 --> 00:50:45,719
You've been Writing Santa a letter.
- I done that on the computer.
499
00:50:45,847 --> 00:50:49,760
Did you mail it to him?
- No.
500
00:50:49,887 --> 00:50:53,880
Why?
- My computer Won't fit in the mailbox.
501
00:50:55,087 --> 00:50:58,602
Walter's right. You are a dumbass.
502
00:50:58,727 --> 00:51:02,925
You knoW, I took the opportunity
of printing your letter for you.
503
00:51:03,047 --> 00:51:06,323
I noticed
that the ink Was kind of Weird.
504
00:51:06,447 --> 00:51:12,363
That's because I Was running out of ink,
so I mixed it With beer.
505
00:51:12,487 --> 00:51:14,637
You mixed beer With ink?
506
00:51:14,767 --> 00:51:20,876
And if you smell that thing When you're
reading it, you get a contact drunk.
507
00:51:22,607 --> 00:51:25,440
I learned that from Guitar Guy.
508
00:51:29,807 --> 00:51:33,482
Beernog.
- HoW do you make beernog?
509
00:51:33,607 --> 00:51:37,441
You take a big old boWI of eggnog...
510
00:51:37,567 --> 00:51:39,523
and you pour it doWn the sink.
511
00:51:41,647 --> 00:51:43,478
And you drink a beer.
512
00:51:52,287 --> 00:51:55,962
I'm interested in What you Wrote.
Could you read the letter?
513
00:51:56,087 --> 00:51:58,123
Yeah, sure, OK.
514
00:52:06,327 --> 00:52:08,477
Bubba J.
- Hang on, I ain't done yet.
515
00:52:09,767 --> 00:52:11,485
Bubba J.
- I ain't done yet.
516
00:52:11,607 --> 00:52:15,043
What? Don't yell at me.
You're scaring me When you yell.
517
00:52:18,087 --> 00:52:21,602
You remind me of that judge
on <i>American</i> Idol.
518
00:52:21,727 --> 00:52:23,922
Simon.
- Paula.
519
00:52:27,807 --> 00:52:31,004
What I meant Was:
Could you read the letter out loud?
520
00:52:32,767 --> 00:52:35,361
OK, you didn't say that.
521
00:52:37,287 --> 00:52:40,757
Dear Santa.
Hi, it's me, Bubba J.
522
00:52:40,887 --> 00:52:42,957
That's me.
523
00:52:43,087 --> 00:52:46,716
I Was the guy last Christmas
Who lit the fireplace...
524
00:52:46,847 --> 00:52:49,964
just as you came doWn the chimney.
525
00:52:50,087 --> 00:52:53,682
Sorry about your suit and your ass.
526
00:52:53,807 --> 00:52:56,480
Next time you should Wear
a NASCAR suit.
527
00:52:58,687 --> 00:53:01,155
See, it don't burn.
528
00:53:01,287 --> 00:53:04,120
He needs fire retarding tidy Whities.
529
00:53:05,687 --> 00:53:10,124
You lit Santa on fire?
- No, the damn fireplace did.
530
00:53:10,247 --> 00:53:12,807
And What happened?
- Whooosh.
531
00:53:12,927 --> 00:53:17,523
He burst into flames
like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival.
532
00:53:23,007 --> 00:53:26,920
Bubba J, that's awful.
- That's Why I'm still in therapy.
533
00:53:27,047 --> 00:53:31,962
It Was hard to hear Santa go
from ho ho ho, to ho ho holy shit.
534
00:53:33,367 --> 00:53:37,918
Why didn't you put him out?
- That Would've been a Waste of beer.
535
00:53:39,087 --> 00:53:42,238
What about Water?
- We don't drink that crap.
536
00:53:42,367 --> 00:53:44,085
So hoW did you put him out?
537
00:53:45,607 --> 00:53:48,167
I peed on him.
538
00:53:51,047 --> 00:53:54,164
I've added a neW step to that list.
- What list?
539
00:53:54,287 --> 00:53:57,996
Stop, drop the good rolling around
so I can piss on you.
540
00:53:59,567 --> 00:54:03,799
What else Was going on?
My dumbass brother Was singing:
541
00:54:03,927 --> 00:54:08,159
On the first day of Christmas
Santa Was on fire
542
00:54:08,287 --> 00:54:12,121
and Bubba Was a-Whizzing on his head
543
00:54:12,247 --> 00:54:15,603
on the second day of Christmas
Santa said to me
544
00:54:17,847 --> 00:54:20,236
See, his face is all Wrapped up in gauze.
545
00:54:22,087 --> 00:54:25,238
This is terrible.
- It seemed like it at the time.
546
00:54:25,367 --> 00:54:28,040
Next day it's funnier than hell.
547
00:54:28,167 --> 00:54:31,159
We peed on ourselves, laughing about it.
548
00:54:32,287 --> 00:54:34,517
Was there anything going on outside?
549
00:54:34,647 --> 00:54:39,675
My cousin Elroy shot Santa's lean deer.
- What?
550
00:54:39,807 --> 00:54:45,484
It's not too often you see a tWelve-point
buck standing on your freakin' roof.
551
00:54:45,607 --> 00:54:48,326
We ate good for a month.
552
00:54:52,087 --> 00:54:54,362
Did you Write more?
- Yeah, let me see.
553
00:54:55,447 --> 00:55:00,805
Also Santa, in place of cookies this
year, We're leaving you deer jerky.
554
00:55:05,047 --> 00:55:07,277
Guess Where that came from. Ha, ha.
555
00:55:10,087 --> 00:55:11,839
The End. Signed, Bubba J.
556
00:55:11,967 --> 00:55:14,800
PS: Just to make sure,
you knoW We moved.
557
00:55:14,927 --> 00:55:18,203
Not too far,
the parking brake came loose.
558
00:55:25,087 --> 00:55:29,080
NoW We live at 6738.2.
559
00:55:29,207 --> 00:55:33,200
So are you going to ask Santa
for anything for Christmas?
560
00:55:33,327 --> 00:55:35,363
A beer.
561
00:55:35,487 --> 00:55:40,163
Ask for something bigger than that.
- A beer truck.
562
00:55:40,287 --> 00:55:44,565
HoW long have you been drinking?
- Since six a.m.
563
00:55:44,687 --> 00:55:46,882
Yesterday.
564
00:55:47,007 --> 00:55:49,726
A Week ago.
565
00:55:50,967 --> 00:55:53,356
I meant your Whole life.
- Yeah.
566
00:55:55,127 --> 00:55:58,961
Hell, my mama Was drunk
When I Was nursing.
567
00:55:59,087 --> 00:56:03,126
That's awful.
- No, to me they Were nature's kegs.
568
00:56:08,887 --> 00:56:11,799
We've been on tour
and you've been having fun.
569
00:56:11,927 --> 00:56:15,920
Lots of fun. I like getting on a bus,
and tour around.
570
00:56:16,047 --> 00:56:18,766
I've made some friends.
- You like Guitar Guy.
571
00:56:18,887 --> 00:56:22,118
He's become a buddy.
I like Guitar Guy, he's fun.
572
00:56:23,207 --> 00:56:27,723
You've Worked on something With him.
- Yeah. Hi, Guitar Guy.
573
00:56:34,927 --> 00:56:36,804
He's purty.
574
00:56:41,687 --> 00:56:43,803
Let's do the song.
- Here We go.
575
00:56:43,927 --> 00:56:46,316
You're gonna like this song.
576
00:56:47,647 --> 00:56:49,205
It's Christmas.
577
00:56:56,087 --> 00:56:59,875
Oh, say can you see
578
00:57:01,167 --> 00:57:03,397
Yankee Doodle
579
00:57:06,887 --> 00:57:10,118
free bird
580
00:57:10,247 --> 00:57:13,557
What's Wrong?
- I've forgot to memorize the Words.
581
00:57:15,127 --> 00:57:18,836
I Wrote doWn the Words
for you on a piece of paper.
582
00:57:18,967 --> 00:57:21,845
On the back of your letter.
- Oh good.
583
00:57:23,687 --> 00:57:25,723
OK, hang on. Let me see that.
584
00:57:40,727 --> 00:57:42,683
What?
585
00:57:45,367 --> 00:57:46,880
OK, I got it.
586
00:57:55,247 --> 00:57:59,843
Got my dog and a six-pack
inside my truck
587
00:57:59,967 --> 00:58:04,882
my Wife rides in the back
because she Won't shut up
588
00:58:05,007 --> 00:58:09,717
there's a deer in the headlights
and though it might be a sin
589
00:58:09,847 --> 00:58:14,079
I gun the motor
and run over him
590
00:58:14,207 --> 00:58:19,122
it's a roadkill Christmas
591
00:58:19,247 --> 00:58:23,399
venison pre-tenderized
592
00:58:23,527 --> 00:58:28,203
it's a roadkill Christmas
593
00:58:28,327 --> 00:58:33,242
'cause they freeze
When the lights hit their eyes
594
00:58:33,367 --> 00:58:37,804
she loaded him into the back of the truck
595
00:58:37,927 --> 00:58:42,398
I Was driving us home
that's When he done Woke up
596
00:58:42,527 --> 00:58:47,476
I couldn't believe What I saW
in my rearvieW mirror
597
00:58:47,607 --> 00:58:51,885
my Wife Was a-Wrestling
With a mad deer
598
00:58:52,007 --> 00:58:56,444
it's a roadkill Christmas
599
00:58:56,567 --> 00:59:01,083
she had 50 pounds over him
600
00:59:01,207 --> 00:59:05,917
it's a roadkill Christmas
601
00:59:06,047 --> 00:59:10,677
it Was no time
till she had him pinned
602
00:59:10,807 --> 00:59:15,164
by the time We got home
he Was her pet
603
00:59:15,287 --> 00:59:19,963
that night
he slept on my side of the bed
604
00:59:20,087 --> 00:59:24,558
I had to spend a night
out in my truck
605
00:59:24,687 --> 00:59:30,364
but I had some beer
so I didn't give a... darn
606
00:59:38,047 --> 00:59:41,676
That Was close.
- I knoW, I almost said damn.
607
00:59:42,847 --> 00:59:47,443
A couple of days later
I made him a deal
608
00:59:47,567 --> 00:59:52,118
if he Worked for me
then he Would not be my next meal
609
00:59:52,247 --> 00:59:56,604
I covered his antlers With foil and then
610
00:59:56,727 --> 01:00:01,323
I plugged the TV cable into his rear end
611
01:00:01,447 --> 01:00:05,759
it's a roadkill Christmas
612
01:00:05,887 --> 01:00:10,403
every Sunday he's up on my roof
613
01:00:10,527 --> 01:00:14,964
it's a roadkill Christmas
614
01:00:15,087 --> 01:00:19,638
I get NASCAR
and the NFL too
615
01:00:19,767 --> 01:00:24,363
it's a roadkill Christmas
616
01:00:24,487 --> 01:00:29,003
that dumb deer changed my life
617
01:00:29,127 --> 01:00:33,678
it's a roadkill Christmas
618
01:00:33,807 --> 01:00:38,437
next time I'll run over my Wife
619
01:00:38,567 --> 01:00:40,876
That's Brian and Bubba J.
620
01:00:57,087 --> 01:01:02,320
The next guy has been in my shoW
for many years, so you'll knoW him.
621
01:01:02,447 --> 01:01:04,802
Please Welcome my buddy Peanut.
622
01:01:15,567 --> 01:01:17,717
HoW are you doing?
- Pretty good. You?
623
01:01:17,847 --> 01:01:20,805
I'm fine.
- That's good, that's good.
624
01:01:24,847 --> 01:01:27,964
Christmas time
625
01:01:28,087 --> 01:01:30,840
Christmas time
626
01:01:30,967 --> 01:01:37,486
I love Christmas time
in MilWaukee, Wisconsin
627
01:01:47,887 --> 01:01:53,120
Peanut, Why are you singing?
- Well, the star alWays sings in his shoW.
628
01:01:56,327 --> 01:01:59,285
I don't knoW if you're actually the star
of the shoW.
629
01:01:59,407 --> 01:02:02,524
OK, that reminds me of a song.
630
01:02:02,647 --> 01:02:05,559
Oh, Jef-fa-fa
631
01:02:14,727 --> 01:02:18,515
oh, Jef-fa-fa
oh, Jef-fa-fa
632
01:02:18,647 --> 01:02:22,686
Without me you Would suck caca
633
01:02:28,887 --> 01:02:32,596
oh, Jef-fa-fa
oh, Jef-fa-fa
634
01:02:32,727 --> 01:02:35,764
you are my bitch
635
01:02:40,407 --> 01:02:46,357
MilWaukee, yes, I love MilWaukee
and I love the badonkadonk chick
636
01:02:48,847 --> 01:02:52,760
You need to go off me, you knoW Why?
You go purple, you never go back.
637
01:02:54,847 --> 01:02:58,476
MilWaukee, MilWaukee
yes, I love MilWaukee
638
01:03:23,527 --> 01:03:27,281
Peanut, What is Wrong With you?
- Nyquil and Red Bull.
639
01:03:37,807 --> 01:03:41,243
Will you calm doWn?
- I don't think I can, can, can.
640
01:03:43,487 --> 01:03:45,796
Just hold on, take deep breaths.
641
01:03:47,727 --> 01:03:49,126
SloW it doWn.
642
01:04:01,927 --> 01:04:04,999
Are you OK?
- I think so.
643
01:04:05,127 --> 01:04:06,799
Look at me.
644
01:04:08,367 --> 01:04:10,562
You're so cute.
645
01:04:14,287 --> 01:04:17,404
There's one more member of our family
We need to introduce.
646
01:04:17,527 --> 01:04:20,724
Hold it: Family?
647
01:04:22,047 --> 01:04:25,278
We're a family? Oh my gosh.
648
01:04:25,407 --> 01:04:27,398
Please tell me I'm adopted.
649
01:04:28,607 --> 01:04:33,362
And I'd like to be
an Angelina Jolie adoptee.
650
01:04:36,127 --> 01:04:38,402
And one Who's still nursing.
651
01:04:41,807 --> 01:04:45,720
I'm sorry, Brad Pitt, that I'm the kid
and I'm frickin' thirsty.
652
01:04:49,527 --> 01:04:54,476
My biggest decision of the day Would be:
Hmm, let's see, left or right?
653
01:04:56,407 --> 01:04:58,841
Or right doWn the middle.
654
01:05:09,207 --> 01:05:13,837
Peanut, hoW did We go from Christmas...
- To Angelina's boobs?
655
01:05:13,967 --> 01:05:17,801
Can you get them
for Christmas for me, please?
656
01:05:17,927 --> 01:05:20,566
They Would be my holiday hooters.
657
01:05:22,007 --> 01:05:25,477
You ever put tinsel on a tata?
- Will you stop it?
658
01:05:25,607 --> 01:05:29,316
All I Want for Christmas
are her tWo headlights
659
01:05:33,527 --> 01:05:37,998
Brad Pitt's gonna be unhappy.
You're making fun of his Wife's titties.
660
01:05:39,447 --> 01:05:42,200
Yes, I said titties.
661
01:05:42,327 --> 01:05:45,683
Bodacious tatas.
662
01:05:45,807 --> 01:05:48,367
If they're little they're tittles.
663
01:05:54,887 --> 01:05:57,276
If they're big they're tatonsters.
664
01:06:00,327 --> 01:06:01,999
Titzillas.
665
01:06:04,047 --> 01:06:06,720
Titonics.
666
01:06:06,847 --> 01:06:09,964
Those are sad,
'cause When they get older they sink.
667
01:06:23,127 --> 01:06:25,687
Holy crap, I made you laugh on that one.
668
01:06:28,927 --> 01:06:32,203
Globes of love.
669
01:06:33,367 --> 01:06:39,317
I Was actually talking about Josй.
- The jalapeno? On a stick?
670
01:06:40,927 --> 01:06:44,715
I don't think Josй celebrates Christmas.
671
01:06:44,847 --> 01:06:47,839
No?
- They do something called Navidad.
672
01:06:53,207 --> 01:06:56,279
With some chick named Phyllis.
673
01:07:00,567 --> 01:07:02,797
<i>Feliz</i> Navidad.
- Yeah, that bitch.
674
01:07:08,967 --> 01:07:11,527
That means merry Christmas in Spanish.
675
01:07:11,647 --> 01:07:13,956
Ole.
676
01:07:14,087 --> 01:07:17,523
Here he is.
- Josй Jalapeno on a stick.
677
01:07:30,567 --> 01:07:32,285
Good evening and merry Christmas.
678
01:07:32,407 --> 01:07:36,878
Gracias, senor. It's good to see you
both, senor Dunham and Peanut.
679
01:07:37,007 --> 01:07:40,397
We're talking about Christmas.
- I love Christmas.
680
01:07:40,527 --> 01:07:43,803
What the hell is Chreestmas?
- Isn't it Christmas?
681
01:07:43,927 --> 01:07:47,044
No, no, it Was Chreestmas.
682
01:07:47,167 --> 01:07:51,399
Are dyou making fun of my accent?
- Dyes.
683
01:07:55,447 --> 01:07:57,244
You guys Were on your first ski trip.
684
01:07:57,367 --> 01:08:01,280
Josй and Achmed saW snoW
for the first time ever.
685
01:08:01,407 --> 01:08:02,920
HoW Was the skiing?
- Great.
686
01:08:03,047 --> 01:08:05,083
I had to snoWboard.
687
01:08:07,167 --> 01:08:09,158
Stick.
688
01:08:11,207 --> 01:08:14,165
Josй, did you dress Warmly for the trip?
- Sн.
689
01:08:14,287 --> 01:08:17,359
What did you Wear?
- A scarf.
690
01:08:17,487 --> 01:08:19,921
And one boot.
691
01:08:21,527 --> 01:08:25,076
I told him he should've just Worn
a garden hose.
692
01:08:29,047 --> 01:08:32,926
You knoW What he can use
as a raincoat? A condom.
693
01:08:38,007 --> 01:08:40,601
So hoW did the trip go?
- It Was a disaster.
694
01:08:40,727 --> 01:08:42,240
Really? What happened?
695
01:08:42,367 --> 01:08:44,323
Achmed broke his leg.
696
01:08:45,887 --> 01:08:48,765
The bone Was sticking out.
697
01:08:50,087 --> 01:08:54,365
It's alWays sticking out.
- Did you put a splint on it?
698
01:08:54,487 --> 01:08:56,205
Of course.
- What'd you use?
699
01:08:56,327 --> 01:08:57,919
Me.
700
01:09:03,327 --> 01:09:07,525
So When did this happen?
- During the avalanche.
701
01:09:07,647 --> 01:09:09,444
Achmed started it.
702
01:09:11,367 --> 01:09:14,643
We told him not to bring that bomb.
703
01:09:14,767 --> 01:09:17,486
He had a bomb?
- On a stick.
704
01:09:19,327 --> 01:09:23,206
Why did Achmed have a bomb?
- I think he's a Workaholic.
705
01:09:25,207 --> 01:09:29,246
What happened after the avalanche?
- We Were kept in the snoW for 3 days.
706
01:09:29,367 --> 01:09:33,758
Did you have anything to eat?
- A jalapeno.
707
01:09:40,367 --> 01:09:43,439
You're a sick bastard.
708
01:09:43,567 --> 01:09:45,922
We Were finally rescued
by a Saint Bernard.
709
01:09:46,047 --> 01:09:49,244
But the dog took Achmed
and buried his ass.
710
01:09:55,527 --> 01:09:59,202
And his head, and his feet.
It Was hilarious.
711
01:09:59,327 --> 01:10:03,923
Why didn't you help Achmed?
- We Were laughing too hard.
712
01:10:04,047 --> 01:10:08,359
I Want to get back to Christmas.
HoW do you celebrate the holidays?
713
01:10:08,487 --> 01:10:11,559
We Wake up in the morning...
- And then they take a nap.
714
01:10:17,367 --> 01:10:19,597
I'm kidding, I knoW they Work very hard.
715
01:10:19,727 --> 01:10:24,357
They run to the border
and decorate all of the barbed Wire.
716
01:10:29,847 --> 01:10:34,875
Josй does not run to the border.
- You're right, he goes doing, doing...
717
01:10:41,287 --> 01:10:43,881
Josй, What does Christmas
mean to you?
718
01:10:44,007 --> 01:10:47,397
It's the day Jesъs Was born.
- Right.
719
01:10:48,487 --> 01:10:52,196
I didn't knoW
your gardener Was born on Christmas.
720
01:10:53,367 --> 01:10:57,918
Hey Jesъs. Happy birthday, man.
721
01:10:58,047 --> 01:11:01,005
Today you can skip the leaves.
722
01:11:05,047 --> 01:11:08,926
What do you Want for Christmas?
- I think he needs a bigger stick.
723
01:11:10,327 --> 01:11:13,125
That's not What your mother said.
724
01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:18,236
That Was Josй Jalapeno.
725
01:11:18,367 --> 01:11:20,722
No, Wait a minute.
726
01:11:20,847 --> 01:11:24,362
Oh man, that sucks.
I Want to kick his ass.
727
01:11:24,487 --> 01:11:26,762
Or kick his stick.
728
01:11:26,887 --> 01:11:30,323
Or kick his sticky ass.
729
01:11:30,447 --> 01:11:33,325
We're gonna do something
a little different.
730
01:11:33,447 --> 01:11:36,325
You're gonna be funny?
731
01:11:38,367 --> 01:11:41,006
It's a Christmas miracle.
732
01:11:42,247 --> 01:11:46,763
Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
733
01:11:46,887 --> 01:11:52,120
I'd like to do is something that's been
a tradition in my family for many years.
734
01:11:52,247 --> 01:11:55,080
We're gonna get drunk and throW up.
735
01:11:58,407 --> 01:12:02,844
No, I'd like to read everyone the story
<i>The Night Before Christmas.</i>
736
01:12:02,967 --> 01:12:05,276
OK... No.
737
01:12:06,407 --> 01:12:08,602
This Will be good.
- No, it'll suck.
738
01:12:12,567 --> 01:12:15,479
No, let me say it in Japanese: No.
739
01:12:24,807 --> 01:12:28,641
You have the book? Oh, my Lord.
740
01:12:28,767 --> 01:12:31,804
I am so sorry.
741
01:12:31,927 --> 01:12:35,806
If you insist on reading this lame-ass
120-year-old story...
742
01:12:35,927 --> 01:12:38,157
We need good music.
- We have that.
743
01:12:38,287 --> 01:12:41,085
Let's have Guitar Guy come back
then.
744
01:12:47,287 --> 01:12:53,078
Thanks for taking out time betWeen your
drug sessions on the bus back there.
745
01:12:53,207 --> 01:12:56,961
He doesn't do drugs.
- Oh yes, he does.
746
01:12:57,087 --> 01:13:01,160
HoW do you knoW that?
- Backstage We talked about comedy.
747
01:13:01,287 --> 01:13:05,166
I asked him for some good lines,
he gave me a straW.
748
01:13:13,407 --> 01:13:15,602
You knoW hoW else I knoW
you do drugs?
749
01:13:15,727 --> 01:13:20,926
Because you're looking me in the eye
and you think I'm actually looking back.
750
01:13:30,687 --> 01:13:32,962
Drug Man.
751
01:13:33,087 --> 01:13:36,443
Evil superhero,
that's What you could be.
752
01:13:36,567 --> 01:13:39,286
An evil superhero?
- Absolutely.
753
01:13:41,247 --> 01:13:43,397
You could have a cape.
754
01:13:43,527 --> 01:13:47,315
Unfurl it and a big puff of light comes out.
755
01:13:47,447 --> 01:13:49,802
Druggies are folloWing you.
756
01:13:51,807 --> 01:13:54,879
It's Drug Man.
757
01:13:55,007 --> 01:13:57,316
Drug Man.
758
01:14:04,207 --> 01:14:06,562
He's pissed noW.
759
01:14:06,687 --> 01:14:11,477
Hopefully he'll never figure out
that this is actually all you.
760
01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:21,720
On the bus tonight be afraid,
be very afraid.
761
01:14:21,847 --> 01:14:25,556
You'll Wake up and Walter's head
Will be in bed With you.
762
01:14:31,367 --> 01:14:34,165
You should've been in The Godfather.
- Why?
763
01:14:34,287 --> 01:14:39,281
You could make the horse's head
in bed talk: Good morning.
764
01:14:49,087 --> 01:14:52,204
Stop picking on Brian.
- OK, OK.
765
01:14:52,327 --> 01:14:54,921
I heard Bubba say you're gay.
766
01:14:55,047 --> 01:14:57,038
You're so cute.
767
01:15:00,767 --> 01:15:02,803
Gay.
768
01:15:02,927 --> 01:15:06,806
He's not gay.
- OK. Alright.
769
01:15:06,927 --> 01:15:12,001
A gay guy has a guy that he hangs
around With and does things together...
770
01:15:28,567 --> 01:15:31,445
Oh-my-gosh.
771
01:15:31,567 --> 01:15:34,445
This explains everything.
772
01:15:34,567 --> 01:15:37,604
I'm not gay.
- Come on.
773
01:15:37,727 --> 01:15:40,082
Seriously,
Which one of you is the girl?
774
01:15:42,287 --> 01:15:46,838
Let me guess: The one With the guitar
or the one Who has the dolls?
775
01:15:57,047 --> 01:16:00,039
Can I just read
<i>The Night Before Christmas?</i>
776
01:16:00,167 --> 01:16:03,159
Yeah, like every straight guy
Wants to do.
777
01:16:04,287 --> 01:16:06,721
Gay.
778
01:16:06,847 --> 01:16:12,683
Wait, you've got to bring this thing to life.
You got to make it today.
779
01:16:12,807 --> 01:16:15,719
You got music that'll make this thing
really good?
780
01:16:15,847 --> 01:16:21,240
What kind of music fits this story?
Come on, let's hear it. Hear.
781
01:16:30,087 --> 01:16:32,043
I have a headache.
782
01:16:33,567 --> 01:16:36,240
Come on, What do you got?
Let's hear it.
783
01:16:41,967 --> 01:16:45,516
OK, he Wasn't doing cocaine,
it Was pot.
784
01:16:51,287 --> 01:16:53,926
Are you a pot person?
785
01:16:54,047 --> 01:16:56,242
You're a ganja guy?
786
01:16:56,367 --> 01:16:58,722
A doobie dude?
787
01:17:01,767 --> 01:17:04,600
A Mary Jane musician?
788
01:17:06,407 --> 01:17:09,205
OK.
789
01:17:09,327 --> 01:17:12,444
Peanut, this is Christmas.
- And noW I'm hungry.
790
01:17:18,167 --> 01:17:20,681
Alright, let's do the story.
- Whatever.
791
01:17:22,247 --> 01:17:24,442
And noW the night before Christmas.
792
01:17:24,567 --> 01:17:28,879
This could be a good time for
the Muslims to go to the bathroom.
793
01:17:33,727 --> 01:17:38,642
'TWas the night before Christmas...
- And all the JeWs Were at the movies.
794
01:17:45,087 --> 01:17:47,078
Or eating Chinese food.
795
01:17:48,847 --> 01:17:51,839
I'm just trying to include everybody.
796
01:17:53,447 --> 01:17:55,005
'TWas...
- Hold it.
797
01:17:55,127 --> 01:17:58,642
Who the hell says 'TWas?
- It's in the story.
798
01:17:58,767 --> 01:18:00,644
It's old and stupid.
799
01:18:00,767 --> 01:18:02,962
It's tradition.
- 'Tis it?
800
01:18:06,967 --> 01:18:10,960
And all through the house...
- Why is it alWays a house?
801
01:18:11,087 --> 01:18:13,555
There's kids that live in apartments.
802
01:18:13,687 --> 01:18:19,205
HoW does Santa Claus get to the kids
in the apartments, Uncle Jeffie?
803
01:18:19,327 --> 01:18:21,966
They have to buzz his ass in.
804
01:18:30,487 --> 01:18:33,081
Santa Claus.
805
01:18:38,207 --> 01:18:41,438
And all through the apartments
not a creature Was stirring...
806
01:18:41,567 --> 01:18:44,684
Except for the asshole in 2-B.
807
01:18:49,607 --> 01:18:52,997
They're drunk and hitting each other
With menorahs.
808
01:18:54,687 --> 01:18:56,996
Oy vey.
809
01:18:58,007 --> 01:19:00,601
That's JeWish for holy shit.
810
01:19:13,487 --> 01:19:18,322
Nothing funnier than throWing in a couple
of holy shits before Christmas, huh?
811
01:19:22,807 --> 01:19:24,877
Not a creature Was stirring,
not even a mouse.
812
01:19:25,007 --> 01:19:29,080
Mouse? You Wish.
You're in an apartment, that's a rat.
813
01:19:30,527 --> 01:19:32,757
The stockings Were hung
by the chimney With care.
814
01:19:32,887 --> 01:19:36,562
And believe me,
the room could use some fresh air.
815
01:19:37,607 --> 01:19:39,643
HoW did that tradition start?
816
01:19:39,767 --> 01:19:44,841
Hanging up dirty laundry hoping
Santa Would fill them With goodies.
817
01:19:44,967 --> 01:19:49,040
I'd like to suck on this candy cane,
but it smells like Dad's feet.
818
01:19:50,447 --> 01:19:53,598
Good thing
the tradition Wasn't jockstraps.
819
01:19:58,607 --> 01:20:01,997
Sally, What's in yours? Nuts.
820
01:20:08,127 --> 01:20:11,244
And Mommy says
they're magically delicious.
821
01:20:18,727 --> 01:20:20,683
You are ruining this story.
822
01:20:20,807 --> 01:20:24,959
You're the pervert
eating out of your oWn jockstrap.
823
01:20:25,087 --> 01:20:28,284
The part With kids and sugar plums
dancing in their heads?
824
01:20:28,407 --> 01:20:31,319
What is that?
I think they're hallucinating.
825
01:20:31,447 --> 01:20:34,996
These apartment children
are on drugs.
826
01:20:38,487 --> 01:20:41,718
Santa's gonna bring me a G. I. Joe
and a bong.
827
01:20:43,607 --> 01:20:46,167
And Daddy Wants a ho ho ho.
828
01:20:49,847 --> 01:20:52,156
It's Daddy and the three hos.
829
01:20:56,887 --> 01:21:00,197
With mama in her kerchief
and I in my cap, had just settled doWn...
830
01:21:00,327 --> 01:21:02,443
For a mixed snort of crack.
831
01:21:04,567 --> 01:21:08,162
Oh, Guitar Guy.
You're in this story too.
832
01:21:13,367 --> 01:21:17,997
Get to the part Where Santa
gets busted for breaking and entering.
833
01:21:18,127 --> 01:21:23,485
It's not breaking and entering.
- Keep dreaming. I think it qualifies.
834
01:21:23,607 --> 01:21:25,723
As I dreW in my head
and Was turning around...
835
01:21:25,847 --> 01:21:28,486
doWn the chimney St Nicholas came
With a bound.
836
01:21:28,607 --> 01:21:31,679
He fell doWn.
And doesn't it say his face Was all red?
837
01:21:31,807 --> 01:21:36,278
Why does no one ever see this?
He is drunk off his ass.
838
01:21:37,287 --> 01:21:40,802
This is a horrible, horrible, story.
839
01:21:44,807 --> 01:21:47,640
He Was dressed all in fur
from his head to his foot...
840
01:21:47,767 --> 01:21:50,725
and his clothes Were all tarnished
With ashes and soot.
841
01:21:50,847 --> 01:21:57,116
That, drinking and driving,
in a furry gay outfit covered in soot.
842
01:21:57,247 --> 01:21:59,522
He's smoking
and you let him in the house...
843
01:21:59,647 --> 01:22:03,481
because he said he had something
for your kids.
844
01:22:11,207 --> 01:22:14,040
What the hell a kind of a father
are you anyWay?
845
01:22:14,167 --> 01:22:18,206
If I Were you I'd check his ID,
then Taser his fat ass.
846
01:22:18,327 --> 01:22:20,204
And hoW fat is this guy anyWay?
847
01:22:20,327 --> 01:22:25,196
People leave him plates full of cookies.
I think he's a diabetic too.
848
01:22:25,327 --> 01:22:28,603
You got to leave him
a plate full of insulin.
849
01:22:28,727 --> 01:22:31,525
Can't Wait to hear The Night <i>Before</i>
<i>Christmas,</i> part 2:
850
01:22:31,647 --> 01:22:34,207
Santa's on dialysis
and he's missing a leg.
851
01:22:41,127 --> 01:22:45,245
And all his little dollies have poliosis.
852
01:22:50,567 --> 01:22:54,116
Can I finish this story?
- Oh, please do.
853
01:22:55,767 --> 01:22:58,600
He sprang to his sleigh,
to his team gave a Whistle...
854
01:22:58,727 --> 01:23:01,287
Gotta go quick,
'cause there's a cop With a pistol.
855
01:23:03,447 --> 01:23:05,961
But I heard him exclaim
ere he drove out of sight...
856
01:23:06,087 --> 01:23:10,046
Merry Christmas to all.
Oh crap, I ran over your bike.
857
01:23:10,167 --> 01:23:14,240
You guys have been a great audience.
Thanks for coming, merry Christmas.
858
01:23:15,687 --> 01:23:17,439
Thank you.
859
01:23:32,687 --> 01:23:36,885
Give him a big hand, my good friend
Brian Haner, ladies and gentleman.
860
01:23:43,607 --> 01:23:45,916
Merry Christmas.
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