1
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:15,574
MALL SANTA: Oh, ha, ha. Well,
l'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.
2
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,953
And l'll see what l can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.
3
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,331
All right. Merry Christmas!
4
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,041
-Who's next?
-Santa!
5
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,794
Kumar, no! Merry--
6
00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,587
WOMAN:
Back of the line, tech support!
7
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,589
-ls this a joke?
KUMAR: Hold the fuck on.
8
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,383
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.
9
00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,843
[ALL GASP]
10
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:38,555
-What do you want for Christmas?
KUMAR: That's a really good question.
11
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,307
-Snoopy Sno-cone Machine.
-Done.
12
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,558
-And a DeLorean.
-Yes.
13
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,102
Wu-Tang to get back together.
14
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,686
l'll tell the elves.
15
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,438
This is just for my stockings.
16
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:47,731
-For my present--
-Hey!
17
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,442
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?
18
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,653
You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.
19
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,071
-Ooh. Bong.
-Oh!
20
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,449
Right in the sugar plums.
21
00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:01,453
Okay. On the menu today, we have:
22
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,247
Winter Wonder Weed.
23
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,583
We have Rudolph
the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
24
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,043
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.
25
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,462
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?
26
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,339
Hey, some people like the holidays.
27
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,426
l had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom lmmanuel cleaned me out.
28
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,762
KUMAR:
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout."
29
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,180
A little more expensive.
30
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,975
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.
31
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,643
-l'll take it.
-Oh. Hello, gentlemen.
32
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,145
KUMAR:
Mm.
33
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,563
-Shit.
-What?
34
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,356
You have anything to smoke out of?
35
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,863
[COUGHS]
36
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,898
PROTESTERS [CHANTlNG]:
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
37
00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:14,109
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
38
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,903
KENNETH:
Ah, Mr. Lee? l'm here.
39
00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,115
Wait...
40
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,450
...more protesters?
41
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,620
Do they really think we care
what poor people think?
42
00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:25,913
Kenneth, it's Christmas.
43
00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:28,540
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.
44
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,584
Let's see how you did
on your assignment.
45
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:34,004
l think l found the absolute best gift
for your father-in-law.
46
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,965
And, Mr. Lee, l think you're
gonna be really pleased.
47
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,384
Ow.
48
00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,220
Oh, my God.
49
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,054
Hi.
50
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,680
This is a Sharp...
51
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,933
...52" Aquos Quattron TV...
52
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,727
...with state-of-the-art 3D technology...
53
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,979
...that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.
54
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:53,982
l don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing
jumped the shark by now?
55
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,651
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.
56
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:57,611
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.
57
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,488
lt's gonna be amazing!
58
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:03,242
Who are you looking at?
59
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:09,581
Mr. Lee!
60
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,416
Want me to call you a cab...
61
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,418
...a town car, a limo? lt's not safe...
62
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,420
-...out there.
-No, thanks, Kenneth.
63
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,464
l got a buddy picking me up.
64
00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:20,592
One more thing!
Merry Christmas to you...
65
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,219
...Harold, and Happy New Year!
66
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,262
Hey, over there.
67
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,388
We got another one.
68
00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:27,182
Don't worry, Mr. Lee. l'll distract them.
69
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:28,809
Hey...
70
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,645
...angry protesters!
l just got a huge Christmas bonus...
71
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,730
...so you can suck my rich, yellow...
72
00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:34,606
...dick!
73
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,785
[YELLS]
74
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:48,328
Get him!
75
00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:49,371
[PROTESTERS CLAMORlNG]
76
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:55,961
[GRUNTlNG]
77
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,343
[SCREAMlNG]
78
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,560
[WHlMPERlNG]
79
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:21,820
HAROLD:
Dude!
80
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,322
Open the door!
81
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,282
Unh. Thank God you're here.
82
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,076
l thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.
83
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,288
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!
84
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,831
Just drive. Todd, drive.
85
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,959
No, no, no! No, no, no!
86
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:36,668
Oh, great.
87
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,253
Now we're getting tinkled on.
88
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,422
-lt's just urine. lt'll wash out.
-Oh, Harry.
89
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,966
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...
90
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,760
...that has ever happened to me.
91
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:47,763
Ugh.
92
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:49,848
[RETCHES]
93
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,689
lt smells like shit in here.
94
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:09,368
Hey...
95
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:11,244
-...neighbor.
-Hey, man.
96
00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:11,953
All right.
97
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:15,290
Check it. Remember that hot virgin
l met on the internet? Get this:
98
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:16,875
She wants me...
99
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,585
...to deflower her.
100
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,295
Tonight. Christmas Eve.
101
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,881
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:
102
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,008
-You're coming with me.
-No can do, man.
103
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:28,303
l gotta stay here and smoke this weed,
otherwise l won't get high.
104
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:29,763
Why not ask your roommate?
105
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,391
Because you're the best.
l don't wanna go with him.
106
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:35,602
l already asked him. He said no.
He's spending Christmas...
107
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,437
...with his stupid girlfriend.
108
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,524
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...
109
00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:42,567
...then they get married...
110
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,653
...then you never hear from them again.
111
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,073
Fuck it, l'm in.
112
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,366
Yes.
113
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:54,996
TODD: Wow, the Jewish neighbors
must hate this.
114
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,791
Well, Harry. Harry.
115
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,251
You have outdone yourself.
116
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,794
HAROLD:
lf you knew Maria's dad...
117
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,671
...you'd pull out all the stops too.
118
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,840
Has not accepted you
as part of the family?
119
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:09,052
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of
Christmas. l'm hoping when he sees...
120
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,846
...all the work, he appreciates it.
121
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,097
Oh, so smart.
122
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,932
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
123
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,475
Oh. Jinx.
124
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,562
You always do that.
You keep doing it. lt's crazy.
125
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,022
Okay, l'll Skype you later or text you.
126
00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:22,357
Or both.
127
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,277
Maria!
128
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:28,029
Oh, hi there.
Somebody's looking...
129
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,782
...uh, very merry today.
130
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,826
Somebody is also...
131
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,870
...ovulating.
132
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,663
Um....
133
00:07:37,498 --> 00:07:40,876
Your dad is gonna be here any minute,
though. Honestly, that's--
134
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,879
-Baby. Then let's get to it.
-Oh!
135
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,797
Because when they get here...
136
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:50,010
...we are going to have no private time.
137
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,636
l don't know if we should.
138
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,222
Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.
139
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,433
Okay, l will.
140
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:57,809
[HAROLD GRUNTS THEN CHUCKLES]
141
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,770
Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.
142
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,940
lf it's a baby l gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.
143
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,067
[DOORBELL RlNGS]
144
00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:07,402
BOTH:
Shit.
145
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:11,406
Go. Go.
146
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,159
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
147
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,827
Be cool.
148
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,500
Carlos, Merry Christmas.
149
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,461
Hello, Harold.
150
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,714
You made the drive in record time.
Didn't speed, did you?
151
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,051
[GULPS]
152
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,094
Empanadas?
153
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,555
Where's Maria?
154
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:36,515
HAROLD:
She's upstairs...
155
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,016
...getting ready.
156
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,434
Can l get you a beer?
157
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,810
What the hell is that?
158
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,941
HAROLD:
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.
159
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:47,526
This is our Christmas tree.
160
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,818
ls it fake?
161
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,779
lt's faux, actually.
162
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,489
You celebrating real Christmas...
163
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,282
...or a faux Christmas?
164
00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:55,367
Real Christmas?
165
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,117
MARlA:
Daddy.
166
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:57,577
Daddy!
167
00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:58,828
God.
168
00:08:58,996 --> 00:08:59,996
MARlA:
l've missed you!
169
00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:00,872
[MARlA GASPS]
170
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:02,541
And the whole family...
171
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,625
...is here.
172
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,584
[MARlA SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]
173
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:05,919
Hi...
174
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,128
...everybody!
175
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,380
[ALL SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]
176
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,965
Oh, God.
177
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,885
Oh. l guess Timo...
178
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,053
...made parole.
179
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,888
Uh, not exactly.
180
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,641
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!
181
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,101
[CHUCKLES]
182
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:22,936
You take it.
183
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,397
You people are real good
with those things.
184
00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:28,858
HAROLD:
lt's just the weekend.
185
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,611
lt's just the weekend.
186
00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:36,533
NARRATOR [ON TV]:
Has this ever happened to you?
187
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:37,951
This stupid waffle's stuck.
188
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:39,744
[GRUNTlNG]
189
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,037
MOM:
Oh, my God! Billy!
190
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:42,414
-Heh-heh-heh.
MOM: George, call 91 1 !
191
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,582
This is fucked up.
192
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,666
NARRATOR:
How about this?
193
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,501
[GlRL SCREAMS]
194
00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,129
Well, it doesn't have to anymore.
195
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,423
lntroducing WaffleBot.
196
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,633
BOTH:
WaffleBot!
197
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,596
NARRATOR:
Just pop the top, let that batter drop...
198
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,639
...and WaffleBot does the rest.
199
00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,600
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.
200
00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,811
BOTH:
Thanks, WaffleBot!
201
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,771
WAFFLEBOT:
I love you.
202
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:07,981
NARRATOR:
Get the Christmas...
203
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,191
...toy of the season while they're hot.
204
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:11,985
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
205
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,821
KUMAR:
l'm busy, Adrian! Go away!
206
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,532
VANESSA:
Kumar! lt's Vanessa.
207
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,244
Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.
208
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,121
Come on in.
209
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,624
Since when do you have a beard?
210
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,710
l actually have not shaved since you left.
Pretty romantic.
211
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,212
Kind of like Ryan Gosling
in The Notebook.
212
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,423
VANESSA:
When's the last time you cleaned?
213
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,425
Like three months ago.
214
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,676
Less romantic?
215
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,136
Little bit, yeah.
216
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,639
l'm sorry, where are my manners?
Here. Here.
217
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,556
Oh, no, no, no.
218
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,141
No, l shouldn't.
219
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,309
Of course you should.
220
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,186
Kumar, l really need to talk to you.
221
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:49,564
l'm pregnant.
222
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:50,690
[COUGHS]
223
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,108
You're pregnant?
224
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,526
We--
225
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:54,778
We practiced safe sex.
226
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:55,779
[SCOFFS]
227
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,906
l mean, l pulled out
and came on your back.
228
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,366
A couple squeaks got by...
229
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,451
-...but is that all it takes?
-Yes.
230
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,371
That's all. No wonder
you flunked out of med school.
231
00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:07,082
l didn't flunk out of med school.
l failed a drug test.
232
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:08,375
How do l even know...
233
00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:09,626
...that the baby's mine?
234
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,128
l haven't slept with anyone
since we broke up.
235
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:13,838
Nice.
236
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,007
What do you want to do about it?
237
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,342
All right, um....
238
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:19,678
[CHUCKLlNG]
239
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,269
This is the part
where the kid's tongue...
240
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,729
...gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.
241
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,190
Oh. Ha, ha. l'm sorry.
242
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:36,611
Um, are we having a conversation right now,
or are you watching A Christmas Story?
243
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,405
Both. No.
244
00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:40,949
-l mean--
-You know what? l knew you...
245
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,909
-...couldn't handle this.
-l'm sorry.
246
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,160
l'm really high.
247
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:47,580
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.
248
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,916
lt's why l couldn't stay here anymore.
249
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,210
You are perfectly fine
creating a mess...
250
00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:54,671
...but when it comes
to cleaning one up...
251
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,297
...you're MlA.
252
00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:57,590
Give me a half hour...
253
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:58,800
...to sober up.
254
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,468
Fuck.
255
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,431
[CHATTERlNG]
256
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,351
Dad, you good?
You need a drink or--? No? Okay.
257
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:09,519
[MR. PEREZ GROWLS]
258
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:14,482
-Maria. l love you.
-Ha, ha.
259
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:15,900
Glad your family's here.
260
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,152
l'm just wondering...
261
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:21,114
...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.
262
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,283
We'll make it work.
We have plenty of room.
263
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:24,993
Okay.
264
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:25,994
l'm sorry.
265
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,620
l left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.
266
00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:28,997
[SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]
267
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,206
Harold.
268
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,167
Hey, speaking of guests...
269
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,502
...are you sure you don't
wanna invite Kumar?
270
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:38,339
Kumar? You kidding me?
l haven't seen that guy in years.
271
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:39,340
MARlA:
Kumar has been...
272
00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:42,343
-...your friend for a long time.
-lt is perfectly normal.
273
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,221
People lose half their friends
every seven years.
274
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,098
lt's not like l don't have friends.
275
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,893
-Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
-At least he doesn't...
276
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,187
...create a disaster everywhere he goes.
277
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:53,938
[lN SPANlSH]
278
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,106
Ah, okay.
279
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,817
[lN SPANlSH]
280
00:12:57,985 --> 00:12:59,068
[ALL GASP]
281
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,198
Rosetta Stone.
282
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,325
A lifesaver.
283
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,584
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
284
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:16,753
KUMAR:
Be right there!
285
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:29,098
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.
286
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:33,895
[GRUNTS]
287
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,522
Maybe we can--
288
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,649
Are you sure we have to...
289
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,818
-...throw it out?
-This tree is a cancer.
290
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,362
We have to get rid of it
before it kills Christmas.
291
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:43,988
Very intense wording.
292
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,366
[WHlSTLES THEN SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]
293
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,163
MARlA:
Wow! Oh, my God.
294
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,457
l can't believe you brought the tree.
Ha-ha-ha.
295
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,751
Am l missing something?
296
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,087
Every Christmas we use a tree
that Dad grew.
297
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,130
-Oh.
MR. PEREZ: Twelve-foot Fraser fir.
298
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,550
Look at the branch distribution.
299
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:04,384
Oh, l see.
300
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:05,635
Hey, hey!
301
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:07,595
She's very delicate.
302
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:10,056
l've been growing her for eight years.
303
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:14,310
Eight years, wow. l never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.
304
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,729
Oh, God.
305
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,147
Not a big deal?
306
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,483
Let me tell you a story, Harold.
307
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:22,318
Growing up in Medell?n...
308
00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:25,947
...my family was too poor
to celebrate Christmas properly.
309
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,616
Every year l would pray to God:
310
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:33,246
"Please, let me wake up and find a big,
beautiful Christmas tree."
311
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,873
And every Christmas...
312
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,333
...l was heartbroken.
313
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,545
When my mother finally
moved me to America...
314
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,505
...she promised me we would have...
315
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,426
...a Christmas tree every Christmas
from then on.
316
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:50,763
But one week before that first Christmas,
while walking home from work...
317
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,765
...she was violently attacked...
318
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,934
...by a gang of Korean punks.
319
00:14:58,689 --> 00:14:59,689
[GRUNTS]
320
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,490
They stabbed her multiple times.
She bled to death.
321
00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:10,783
So I guess...
322
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:14,621
...you could say, yes,
a Christmas tree is a big deal.
323
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:15,955
Oh, my God.
324
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,834
-[WHlSPERS] Why didn't you tell me?
-[MOUTHS] I'm sorry.
325
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,211
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?
326
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:23,004
l don't know.
327
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,422
My eyes are all fucked up.
328
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,634
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! lt's indecent!
329
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,677
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.
330
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,679
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.
331
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,223
Oh, Daddy, l wanted
to spend tonight in the city...
332
00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:35,600
...with you guys.
333
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,893
Wait.
334
00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:39,187
l got this.
335
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:43,483
l'll take care of the tree.
You have a family night in Manhattan.
336
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,443
No. No, no, no.
337
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,445
We brought the tree all the way down.
338
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,697
lt has to look perfect
on Christmas morning.
339
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:54,369
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and l'll take care of it.
340
00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:56,829
When you come back,
the tree will be decorated.
341
00:15:56,997 --> 00:16:00,291
This house, l promise you,
is gonna be perfect.
342
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,710
[MARlA CHUCKLES]
343
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,887
ADRlAN: Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight?
Her name is Mary.
344
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,139
As in the Virgin Mary.
How great is that?
345
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,891
What did Vanessa do to suck...
346
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,476
...the life out of you...
347
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,602
...this afternoon?
348
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,856
l don't have anyone else to confide in.
l might as well tell you. Uh....
349
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:25,525
Vanessa's pregnan--
350
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:26,484
A queefer.
351
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,569
-What?
-l knew it.
352
00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:32,240
l used to date this black chick,
she used to queef every time we had sex.
353
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:35,368
lt was ridiculous.
l used to call her Queen Laqueefa.
354
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:38,162
When was the last time
you saw this guy?
355
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:40,248
-Two years ago.
-So...
356
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:43,668
...why are we dropping off this package?
You said this guy was a chode.
357
00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:46,838
He is, all right? l just--
l don't want his shit in my place.
358
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:52,093
KUMAR:
Sure this is the right address?
359
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:56,264
Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.
360
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,266
l guess.
361
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,102
l'll be right back.
l'm just gonna drop this off.
362
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,204
[GRUNTS THEN GROANlNG]
363
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,707
Fuck!
364
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,630
Kumar?
365
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,800
Hello, Harold.
366
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,137
-Hey.
-Hey.
367
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,306
-Hey.
-l was--
368
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,683
-How are you? Good to see you.
-Oh, hey.
369
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,144
-How you doing?
-Good to see you too. Good.
370
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:47,648
You got a package that came for you
at the apartment. So l was dropping it off.
371
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,151
Oh. Okay, cool.
372
00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,737
You look terrific. You lose weight?
373
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,449
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.
374
00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,577
No. You know.
375
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,372
Do you want to come in for a drink...
376
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:04,707
...or something?
377
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,000
Um....
378
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,545
[ON RADlO]
Christmas, Christmas
379
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,755
Do you not have time?
380
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,923
-Oh.
-Oh.
381
00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:16,511
-Come in, come in. Come in. Come on.
-Sure.
382
00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:19,180
Watch your step, it's icy there.
383
00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,767
Eggnog? Empanadas?
384
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,478
Uh.... Sure. Yeah.
385
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:28,689
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.
386
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:30,858
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.
387
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:35,238
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.
388
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,907
The sconces are new.
Sconces are actually brand-new.
389
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:43,412
Yeah, l was gonna say, it looks like
you guys got some awesome sconces.
390
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,706
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
391
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,209
So, what's up with this package?
392
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,462
HAROLD:
My name and your address. That's weird.
393
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,297
l haven't lived there for so long.
394
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,049
l know. That's strange.
395
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,010
HAROLD:
Whoa.
396
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:03,808
Ooh.
397
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:06,894
HAROLD:
What the hell is this?
398
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:09,105
That's a gigantic joint.
What do you think?
399
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:10,523
HAROLD:
ls this a joke?
400
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,733
-No. l swear.
-Did you do this?
401
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:14,777
Had l known, l would have smoked it.
402
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,571
ls there a--?
403
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,281
No return address.
404
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,617
l don't even see any stamps on this.
405
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,452
What are you doing?
406
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,412
Getting not low.
407
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,913
No smoking in this house.
408
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,332
What? What douche came up
with that rule?
409
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,293
HAROLD:
This douche did.
410
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:38,926
That was good shit.
411
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,803
HAROLD:
l don't care, okay?
412
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,180
l don't smoke anymore.
413
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,806
-What?
-l just felt...
414
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,892
...that a lot of times when l got high...
415
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:48,186
...things would go really wrong. So....
416
00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:51,355
But, Harold, weed is so good.
417
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:52,815
lt gets you high.
418
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,567
l got nothing against weed, okay?
419
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,320
Had plenty of fun times with weed.
But l'm an adult now.
420
00:19:57,487 --> 00:20:00,448
And frankly, l'm kind of glad that
the craziness is behind me.
421
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,700
Do you smell something burning?
422
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,119
BOTH:
Oh, shit!
423
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,871
KUMAR: Oh, shit.
-Shit.
424
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:08,289
Shit!
425
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,625
lt's spreading. lt's spreading!
426
00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:12,126
Here.
427
00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:14,295
Bah, bah, bah!
Not the throw pillows!
428
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,588
Seriously?
429
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,717
l did it anyway!
430
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,135
HAROLD:
What the fuck?!
431
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:28,059
Shit!
432
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,393
HAROLD:
Maria's dad will kill me!
433
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,353
Stop yelling!
434
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,480
We gotta get rid of this tree!
435
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,190
Okay.
436
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,413
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.
437
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,249
[PANTlNG]
438
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,751
Calm down.
lt's just a Christmas tree.
439
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,002
"Just a Christmas tree"?
440
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,380
Maria's dad grew that tree...
441
00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:59,006
...and now it is dead.
442
00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,468
Koreans have killed his mother,
and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.
443
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:03,844
Christmas isn't ruined.
444
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,888
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.
445
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:08,641
They're gonna come home from Mass
and expect to see...
446
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:11,352
...a decorated tree,
but they are gonna see that.
447
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:14,397
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty of tree lots.
448
00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:16,941
We'll drive around
till we find the right tree.
449
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:18,442
We're not gonna do anything.
450
00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:22,405
You know what? Um, this is my fault.
451
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,824
l take full responsibility.
Please leave.
452
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,118
l will take care of this. Thank you.
453
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,161
-l don't mind helping out--
-l got it.
454
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,913
-We have a van--
-l got it.
455
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:34,709
Okay. You got it.
456
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,295
-You need anything, just give me--
-Merry Christmas.
457
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,049
Merry Christmas, Harold.
458
00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,847
What the fuck took so long?
459
00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:49,557
Nothing. Let's just go.
460
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:53,227
You never told me Harold was Asian.
l always pictured an old white guy.
461
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:01,902
TODD: Freeze! This is a robbery.
Give me all your friendship.
462
00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,487
Oh, wow, look at that.
463
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,781
You know, it's kind of better
than a window.
464
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:07,950
lt's like a stained-glass
window of paper.
465
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,285
Any luck with the tree?
466
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,746
-Oh, you brought Ava.
-Uh, yeah, sorry. l have Ava.
467
00:22:11,913 --> 00:22:13,581
lt's "3D."
468
00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:14,290
Hmm?
469
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,458
Daddy-Daughter Day.
470
00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:17,626
You can't back out
of Daddy-Daughter Day...
471
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:20,421
...because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...
472
00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:23,090
...and then stripping and meth
and biker boyfriend.
473
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:24,425
-All bad things.
-Ah.
474
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,635
-The tree, though.
-Yes, so l called--
475
00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:27,636
[BABY CRYlNG]
476
00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:29,722
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.
477
00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:32,224
[SlNGlNG]
The itsy bitsy spider
478
00:22:32,392 --> 00:22:33,601
Crawled up the water spout
479
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:35,144
They say that singing is...
480
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:37,438
...the best way to communicate
with a child.
481
00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:38,898
l guess l haven't found...
482
00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:40,608
...the right song for her yet.
483
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,610
That's too bad. Uh, the tree?
484
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:44,862
The tree. Right. So l called them.
485
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,447
They had one 12-foot fir left.
486
00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,949
-And l reserved it.
-You got it?
487
00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:51,952
-Yeah.
-Yes! You should have led off with that.
488
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,788
l know. l don't know why l didn't.
489
00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:55,790
-Okay, good. Let's go.
-Whoo!
490
00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:56,874
You know.
491
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,292
Okay. Next time.
492
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:04,673
Now, before this party...
493
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:07,468
-...we got to talk about your game.
-Aw, dude, turn in there!
494
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,637
Really? A tree farm?
495
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,142
"Best selection"...
496
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:15,976
...my ass.
497
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:18,312
lt's Christmas Eve, okay?
What do you expect?
498
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,688
KUMAR:
lf l was a tree farmer...
499
00:23:19,856 --> 00:23:22,566
...l'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.
500
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:23,859
What the fuck that mean?
501
00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:25,319
[LATRELL CHUCKLES]
502
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:27,905
He's just playing.
How you doing? l'm Latrell.
503
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,657
Hello. Kumar.
504
00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:31,450
This is my partner in crime, Lamar.
505
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:33,411
-So you two own this tree lot?
LAMAR: What?
506
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:37,248
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?
507
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,751
What? No! Of course not.
You could do both.
508
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,420
-What?
-What?
509
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,588
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.
510
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,674
-You know?
-Word. Word.
511
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:50,344
lf you're looking for trees,
you should know we do custom work.
512
00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:53,431
-Ooh. How much is that?
LATRELL: That tree? Sorry.
513
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:54,890
Just got reserved.
514
00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:56,892
l really need it. l'll pay double.
515
00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,436
LAMAR:
Oh, l got you now.
516
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:01,021
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.
517
00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:03,190
Like we some Wayne Brady-ass
niggers, right?
518
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:04,191
Triple.
519
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:05,901
l'll get the rope.
520
00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:10,531
Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's
and head to the city?
521
00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:13,033
KUMAR:
Just hold on a second, all right?
522
00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:14,452
l see what you're doing.
523
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:15,911
Forget about her.
524
00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:17,371
-Think about me.
-All right.
525
00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:21,041
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off
and then we'll go get you your virgin.
526
00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:22,626
Yeah.
527
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:26,922
We got another customer.
528
00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:30,384
Can l play angry black guy this time?
529
00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,261
Aw, come on. You just played it.
530
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,762
And l got triple the money.
531
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,806
Come on, please? Come on!
532
00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:36,974
TODD [SlNGlNG]:
Three French hens
533
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,225
HAROLD:
Would you stop?
534
00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:39,393
TODD:
l wish l could stop
535
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:40,769
Sorry, l'm trying my best
536
00:24:40,937 --> 00:24:42,062
Hi. You guys in charge?
537
00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:47,067
Yeah. What the fuck is it to you,
motherfucker?
538
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:48,402
Gat's coming out
539
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,945
That was so good. Ha, ha.
540
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:52,490
We're just here to pick up a tree
that we reserved.
541
00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,782
-We called.
LATRELL: Oh, yeah?
542
00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:56,577
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!
543
00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:57,661
HAROLD:
What? You sold it?
544
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:58,412
To who?
545
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:00,414
Those white boys over there.
546
00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:03,918
Fuck!
547
00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:04,793
Hey.
548
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,295
TODD:
Aah! Where are we going?
549
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:09,507
HAROLD: Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.
550
00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:10,508
TODD:
Good idea!
551
00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:13,177
LATRELL:
l'm sorry.
552
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,304
-You lost your gangsta grill.
-l know.
553
00:25:15,472 --> 00:25:17,765
-How you gonna be a gangsta?
-l'm not one.
554
00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:20,768
-l gotta wear those tomorrow.
-l know.
555
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,270
-You know l love you, right?
-l think you do.
556
00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:25,648
-l don't know why, but l love you.
-Thank you.
557
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:28,192
TODD:
Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down...
558
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,236
...because we got precious cargo...
559
00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:32,363
...and it is very icy out there.
560
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,449
-What? l don't see any ice.
-You've never heard of black ice?
561
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:38,661
lt's like the worst ice there is.
Black ice, it's everywhere.
562
00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:40,955
Relax. l can feel the road.
lt's not that bad.
563
00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:43,832
Yo, slow down, man.
564
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,127
-You're going a little fast.
-l gotta get to this party ASAP.
565
00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,672
Pussy's not like yogurt.
lt has an expiration date.
566
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,465
Yogurt has an expiration date.
567
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:54,468
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.
568
00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,303
lt was really sour.
569
00:25:56,471 --> 00:25:58,472
But yogurt is sour,
so how was l to know?
570
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:00,975
Are you really hot? l'm, like, hot...
571
00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:02,351
...but l'm cold-- Hello?
572
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:03,852
You're not looking at me.
573
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,105
l should look at the road
and you look at me.
574
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:07,439
-lt's opposite.
-Watch out!
575
00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:08,732
ADRlAN:
Ow, ow.
576
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:09,733
[BOTH SCREAMlNG]
577
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,486
Holy shit!
578
00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:13,320
TODD:
Black ice!
579
00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:14,530
Black ice! lt's real!
580
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,323
ADRlAN:
Oh, shit!
581
00:26:16,491 --> 00:26:17,950
Oh, my God!
582
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:19,743
Don't just scream!
583
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,036
You're just screaming!
584
00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:22,162
That's not helpful!
585
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:25,040
Oh, shit!
586
00:26:34,175 --> 00:26:35,050
Holy shit!
587
00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:36,176
Oh, Harry, stop!
588
00:26:36,928 --> 00:26:39,847
ADRlAN:
Aw.... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.
589
00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:44,852
Oh, my ass.
590
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:49,023
l am so going to tweet about that.
Heh-heh-heh.
591
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:51,191
You guys all right?
How are you alive?
592
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:52,526
Harold?
593
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:54,028
Kumar?
594
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,614
That was you at the tree farm?
You took my tree?
595
00:26:57,490 --> 00:26:59,700
-So you killed two trees in one night.
KUMAR: Hold on.
596
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:01,744
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.
597
00:27:02,579 --> 00:27:03,704
[YELLS]
598
00:27:04,873 --> 00:27:07,207
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.
599
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:11,378
That was the only 1 2-foot Fraser fir
left in the fucking state.
600
00:27:11,546 --> 00:27:12,296
Fuck your tree!
601
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,547
What about my car?
602
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:14,882
l got a virgin to fuck!
603
00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,508
Who is this? Who is Glasses?
604
00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:18,552
Heh. Nice, Harry.
605
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,388
-This is my friend, Adrian.
HAROLD: Oh.
606
00:27:21,765 --> 00:27:22,765
He's young.
607
00:27:22,932 --> 00:27:24,475
-Thank you.
-Don't respond to him.
608
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,101
TODD:
Why the H...
609
00:27:26,269 --> 00:27:27,895
...did you F-wads...
610
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:32,066
...take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?
611
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:33,400
Who is this toolbox?
612
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,569
This is my friend, Todd.
613
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:37,738
Oh, yeah? What kind of friend?
Best friend?
614
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:41,075
-l wouldn't say best-- Yes.
-Yeah. Yep. Besties.
615
00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:42,910
That's awesome.
616
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:44,161
Buddy.
617
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:45,537
Homey.
618
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,331
This was fun. But l got...
619
00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,916
...a hot date in the city.
620
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:50,250
You have to take me.
621
00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:51,418
What? No.
622
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,505
-We're not taking you anywhere.
-Not going through any tunnels.
623
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:57,299
Dude, you are not depriving me of this:
624
00:27:57,467 --> 00:28:00,761
Hey, Adrian.
l can't wait to finally meet you.
625
00:28:00,929 --> 00:28:03,472
I'm going to rock your world.
626
00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:05,307
l promise...
627
00:28:05,475 --> 00:28:07,059
...it will be worth the wait.
628
00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:11,438
Wait, look at this fir.
629
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:13,482
l'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.
630
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:14,942
Shut up. The tree.
631
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:16,527
lt's like Maria's dad's tree.
632
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,946
-lt's magnificent.
ADRlAN: l'll make you a deal.
633
00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:21,198
Take me to the party,
l get you that tree.
634
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:22,783
No. lt's already very late.
635
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,201
Shut the fuck up, Todd!
636
00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:25,786
This doesn't concern you!
637
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:27,955
-Easy.
-He can not-- He is not allow--
638
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,832
HAROLD:
Hey. Calm down. Calm down.
639
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,960
l'm running out of time.
l gotta be back with a tree by 2 a.m.
640
00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:35,045
Work with me. Listen.
641
00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,505
l'm not driving for nothing.
642
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:38,799
Make sure we can get the tree,
you got a deal.
643
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:39,633
Done.
644
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:41,510
Hey, douche?
645
00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:42,261
Yeah?
646
00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:42,970
Shotgun.
647
00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:43,846
Oh.
648
00:28:44,139 --> 00:28:45,305
Scr--
649
00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:46,974
S you. S you.
650
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:50,310
"S"?
651
00:28:50,478 --> 00:28:51,979
-"S you"?
-"Screw you."
652
00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:53,605
-Oh, right.
TODD: Screw you!
653
00:28:55,608 --> 00:28:57,818
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.
654
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:00,779
The tree is removable?
655
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:02,865
OPERATOR:
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
656
00:29:03,032 --> 00:29:05,784
-Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
-Please hang up--
657
00:29:05,952 --> 00:29:06,910
We can have the tree?
658
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,078
She said it?
659
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:09,329
She said that, yes.
660
00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,707
-Great. Let's go.
-Okay.
661
00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:17,045
What is he doing? What is he doing?
662
00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:18,630
What are you doing?
663
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:19,882
What?
664
00:29:20,049 --> 00:29:21,341
My daughter's in there!
665
00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:22,050
What?
666
00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:24,511
-Oh, shit!
HAROLD: What the fuck, Kumar?
667
00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:25,721
l didn't see her.
668
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:27,097
You got my baby high!
669
00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,057
HAROLD:
You got his baby high.
670
00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:30,392
Hold on a second.
671
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:34,021
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?
672
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:35,397
[GlGGLlNG]
673
00:29:35,732 --> 00:29:36,899
TODD:
Okay, great.
674
00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:38,942
Now she has the giggles.
675
00:29:39,235 --> 00:29:40,986
-Sorry.
TODD: lf Emma finds out...
676
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:42,196
...we won't be able...
677
00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:43,572
...to come to the party.
678
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:44,656
What party?
679
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,575
Oh, it's just a work...
680
00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:47,701
...Christmas party...
681
00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:49,077
...kind of thing.
682
00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:49,870
Right, Todd?
683
00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:51,497
Yeah. lt's gonna be...
684
00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:52,706
...classic.
685
00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:53,540
[YELLlNG]
686
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:55,959
Okay, great. Now she's having a bad trip.
687
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:57,294
HAROLD:
Try singing again.
688
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:58,712
lt never works.
689
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:00,380
-Hey. Hey.
HAROLD: What are you doing?
690
00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:02,382
Hey.
691
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,551
[RAPPlNG]
lf you want beef, then bring the ruckus
692
00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:06,136
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
693
00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:07,387
Nothin' to fuck with
694
00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:08,472
Straight from
695
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,390
The motherfucking slums that's busted
696
00:30:10,558 --> 00:30:12,059
Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with
697
00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:13,060
Ahh.
698
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:16,814
Dude, you baby-whispered her.
699
00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:18,816
TODD:
l do not care for the language...
700
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,317
...but that was impressive.
701
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:21,610
What singing group...
702
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:23,237
-...is that?
-The Wu-Tang Clan.
703
00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:25,322
The Gu-Ga-- The Wu-Gang Band?
704
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,157
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.
705
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:27,950
TODD:
Harry.
706
00:30:28,117 --> 00:30:30,577
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?
707
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:32,246
KUMAR:
There's a lot you don't know...
708
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:33,205
...about Harry, huh?
709
00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:34,581
TODD:
Excuse me?
710
00:30:34,749 --> 00:30:36,583
-Was that directed to me?
KUMAR: Yeah, douche.
711
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:38,126
Okay. Taken.
712
00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,421
l got the munchies.
713
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:42,548
TODD:
Now we have to...
714
00:30:42,715 --> 00:30:44,967
...stop and get some
disgusting food for her.
715
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:48,011
So she can come down
from her trip. Fantastic.
716
00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:12,828
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
l'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.
717
00:31:12,996 --> 00:31:13,996
-What?
-What?
718
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:17,207
lt's just this lie l sort of got caught in.
719
00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:19,835
Also, l told her you work
for the White House.
720
00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:21,628
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.
721
00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:22,588
[ELEVATOR BELL DlNGS]
722
00:31:22,755 --> 00:31:23,547
[CHATTERlNG]
723
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:24,840
[BlG BOl'S "DADDY FAT SAX"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
724
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,010
lt is l, the B-l-G, the B-O-l
725
00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:30,220
TODD:
Well, l spy with my little eye...
726
00:31:30,388 --> 00:31:33,307
...three felonies that l can see
in this room right now.
727
00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:34,308
Four.
728
00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:37,519
That's it. That's our tree. lt's perfect.
729
00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:39,479
-lt's better than the photograph.
-Ha, ha.
730
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:40,647
HAROLD:
lt's perfect.
731
00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:41,440
Hey, Glasses.
732
00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:44,693
-Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
733
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:47,487
Yo, yo, yo!
734
00:31:47,822 --> 00:31:49,907
What it is, pimp, player...
735
00:31:50,074 --> 00:31:50,866
...et cetera?
736
00:31:51,034 --> 00:31:53,452
-What's up? Where's Mary?
TEEN: l don't know...
737
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:56,371
...dude, but if l was you,
l would steer clear.
738
00:31:56,539 --> 00:31:58,498
Does she have a tail
or something? What?
739
00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:01,960
Don't listen to these guys.
lt takes balls to do what you're doing.
740
00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:03,128
You're freaking me out.
741
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:04,880
-What is wrong with her?
TEENS: Ha-ha-ha.
742
00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:06,673
MARY:
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?
743
00:32:24,567 --> 00:32:26,193
Wow, you look just like...
744
00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:27,361
...your profile pic.
745
00:32:27,528 --> 00:32:29,029
You look better. Hi.
746
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,531
You're hot, girl.
747
00:32:31,699 --> 00:32:32,866
Thank you.
748
00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:36,870
So do you, like, want to see my room?
749
00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:38,538
Hey, hey. What about the tree?
750
00:32:38,706 --> 00:32:39,581
l'll get it.
751
00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:42,709
Just give me a minute,
all right, man? Probably less. Heh.
752
00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:44,086
But hopefully more. Heh.
753
00:32:44,253 --> 00:32:45,545
[WHlSPERS]
Probably less.
754
00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:46,922
You owe me a tree, punk.
755
00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:49,216
[BABY FARTS AND GlGGLES]
756
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:51,301
Ugh. Ugh.
757
00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:53,971
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.
758
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,723
-l've got to find a place to change a diaper.
-Oh, God.
759
00:32:56,891 --> 00:33:00,602
Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?
760
00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:01,770
Wu-Tang, dude.
761
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:02,729
Woo-hoo.
762
00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:06,066
Your little friend better get me a tree.
763
00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:08,235
l'm sorry about him, dude. l--
764
00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:11,780
BORlS:
Hey, grandpa!
765
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:13,657
-Toss it back.
KUMAR: Who you calling...
766
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,909
...grandpa, dude? l'm barely 30.
767
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,786
Wanna start? l'll kick your ass...
768
00:33:17,954 --> 00:33:18,954
...right now.
769
00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:20,247
Karate Kid style.
770
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,039
KUMAR:
Really?
771
00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:23,000
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?
772
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:27,337
There's only one Karate Kid and it stars
Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.
773
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,505
What?
774
00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,257
Generation Z, here's your ball.
775
00:33:31,592 --> 00:33:34,845
Who invited these fucking losers?
776
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,847
Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?
777
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,808
She promised us we could have that tree.
Okay? Thank you.
778
00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:40,767
What?
779
00:33:40,935 --> 00:33:42,769
Fuck that! l don't care...
780
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,772
...what my sister said.
l'm not letting you take our tree.
781
00:33:45,940 --> 00:33:47,774
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.
782
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:49,109
HAROLD:
Come on.
783
00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:51,820
We're here to pick up the tree,
then we're out of here.
784
00:33:51,988 --> 00:33:53,280
lt's a bit of an emergency.
785
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:55,532
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.
786
00:33:55,950 --> 00:33:56,783
lf you beat us...
787
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:58,035
...you get the tree.
788
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:02,456
lf we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.
789
00:34:02,623 --> 00:34:05,208
l'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pong?
790
00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:07,961
Oh, l'm sorry, l guess you guys
haven't heard of it before.
791
00:34:08,129 --> 00:34:08,920
KUMAR:
Oh, no, no.
792
00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:10,630
We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.
793
00:34:10,798 --> 00:34:13,300
Except, see, in our day,
it was called Beirut.
794
00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:15,343
And we didn't have the rollback rule...
795
00:34:15,511 --> 00:34:16,970
...like you pussies have today.
796
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:21,516
l remember the day they announced the rule.
Same day l kicked a little bitch's ass at it.
797
00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:23,769
You remind me a lot of that guy...
798
00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:25,479
...except you're shorter.
799
00:34:25,646 --> 00:34:26,980
And he had pubes.
800
00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:28,523
Oh, my God. l'm so excited.
801
00:34:29,442 --> 00:34:30,525
All my other friends...
802
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:32,486
...lost their virginity in 7th grade.
803
00:34:32,653 --> 00:34:34,154
l can't believe it's happening.
804
00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:37,657
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?
805
00:34:37,825 --> 00:34:40,494
Are you kidding? No guy at school
will even touch me.
806
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:41,745
Why won't they?
807
00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:43,580
Probably because they're scared.
808
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,499
Well, l don't get scared.
809
00:34:45,666 --> 00:34:47,834
Scared of--
What are they scared of, though?
810
00:34:48,002 --> 00:34:49,503
Hey! Enough talk.
811
00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:53,924
Gonna hit this?
812
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,842
Yes. l will. Hit it.
813
00:34:57,553 --> 00:35:00,013
Aah. lt's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.
814
00:35:00,181 --> 00:35:02,182
-What?
-Never mind. Heh.
815
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,351
Forget it. Heh.
816
00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:09,397
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed.
Daddy is gonna get you--
817
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,775
Aah! Okay, l need this room...
818
00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,153
...for a serious diaper situation.
So l will ask you to stop...
819
00:35:15,321 --> 00:35:18,031
-...doing that.
-Smush that pussy! Unh!
820
00:35:18,241 --> 00:35:18,949
Smush my pussy!
821
00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:19,866
GUY:
l'm coming!
822
00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,701
-Oh, my God.
GUY: Oh, l'm coming!
823
00:35:22,036 --> 00:35:23,995
Baby, blow me.
824
00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:26,623
Ugh.
825
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:30,460
[HAROLD GRUNTS]
826
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,420
A boom batta, these pockets...
827
00:35:32,588 --> 00:35:33,547
...getting fatter.
828
00:35:33,714 --> 00:35:34,339
You guys...
829
00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:35,799
...got nothing on me.
830
00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:38,885
Dude, l need this tree.
831
00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:40,512
l know.
832
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,306
-We hit this, we win.
BORlS: No matter. There's no way...
833
00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:45,892
...you sinking this ball.
Not in my house.
834
00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:48,061
Shut this motherfucker up,
would you?
835
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:54,734
-Time.
-What?
836
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,905
Show him the old "Roldy Roll."
837
00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:01,491
lt's too risky.
l haven't done that in forever.
838
00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:04,244
No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.
839
00:36:12,461 --> 00:36:13,962
[WHlSPERS]
Hello, old friend.
840
00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:16,923
[lN NORMAL VOlCE]
Clear.
841
00:36:36,819 --> 00:36:37,777
[CROWD CHEERlNG]
842
00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:40,030
We won!
843
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:41,781
Who are those guys?
844
00:36:41,949 --> 00:36:44,784
l don't know,
but they're fucking studs.
845
00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:49,623
[ADRlAN MOANS]
846
00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,628
l know this is your first time,
so l'm gonna be extra gentle.
847
00:36:58,925 --> 00:36:59,633
Who's that?
848
00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:01,551
Oh, that's just my dad.
849
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:04,346
Why does he look...
850
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,555
...so familiar?
851
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,399
[GROANlNG]
852
00:37:23,532 --> 00:37:24,658
[LAUGHlNG]
853
00:37:29,997 --> 00:37:31,623
[GRUNTlNG]
854
00:37:42,843 --> 00:37:46,012
That's not good. No.
855
00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:48,181
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?
856
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,517
Yeah, we are, but your dad
is Sergei Katsov? Heh.
857
00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:53,561
Not again. Oh, my God.
This happens every goddamn time.
858
00:37:53,729 --> 00:37:54,562
No, no, no.
859
00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:55,689
Give your dick.
860
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:57,482
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.
861
00:37:57,650 --> 00:37:58,525
Wait, l almost got it.
862
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:01,194
lt really hurts.
You're digging your nails into it! Aah!
863
00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:03,697
Are you going soft on me?
864
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:04,739
Uh-uh.
865
00:38:04,907 --> 00:38:06,366
You better not go soft on me!
866
00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:08,034
l'm not, it's just hard.
867
00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:09,703
Aah! And it really, really hurts.
868
00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:11,746
Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah!
869
00:38:12,206 --> 00:38:13,248
So how do we do this?
870
00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:16,126
KUMAR: There's gotta be
a freight elevator or something.
871
00:38:16,335 --> 00:38:19,170
-We take the ornaments off, or...?
-We could.
872
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:23,466
Hey, guys. l just wanted to say
that was an epic match.
873
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:25,385
-Good win.
-Thanks, kid.
874
00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:27,095
l'm sorry l was such a dick...
875
00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:29,723
...to you guys.
l thought you were old assholes.
876
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:31,558
But real talk...
877
00:38:31,726 --> 00:38:34,227
...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.
878
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:37,063
-Thanks.
-No, no. Come on. Don't.
879
00:38:37,231 --> 00:38:40,483
Roldy, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.
880
00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:44,571
Come on, man, it's Christmas.
881
00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:46,156
Thanks, kid.
882
00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:47,782
-All right.
-Cheers.
883
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:49,451
HAROLD: Cheers.
-Cheers.
884
00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:52,495
Mm. lt's good.
885
00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:56,458
Why don't you guys just sit down
and l'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.
886
00:38:56,625 --> 00:38:57,917
-Thank you.
-Thanks, man.
887
00:38:58,085 --> 00:38:59,085
Appreciate it.
888
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,006
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!
889
00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:04,382
Have you kids...
890
00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:07,177
...never seen VH1's Behind the Music?
891
00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:08,511
Do you not know...
892
00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:12,766
...what cocaine can do to the mind
of a person as young as you?
893
00:39:12,933 --> 00:39:13,641
[SNEEZES]
894
00:39:16,645 --> 00:39:18,229
[GlGGLES]
895
00:39:23,277 --> 00:39:25,362
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen
896
00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:27,113
With a brand-new swag
897
00:39:27,281 --> 00:39:28,823
Dude, do you feel kind of weird?
898
00:39:28,991 --> 00:39:31,868
Yeah, l do, actually.
My face is feeling kind of numb.
899
00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,119
Oh, fuck.
900
00:39:33,287 --> 00:39:34,788
The kids put something in here.
901
00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:36,498
Was it drugs? Was it semen?
902
00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:38,792
[GARGLES]
903
00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:40,835
lt doesn't taste like semen.
904
00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:43,338
MARY:
Uh! You fucking...
905
00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,340
-...loser!
-Give me another chance!
906
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:46,966
l'm begging you!
907
00:39:47,134 --> 00:39:49,177
l'm really, really, really sorry!
908
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:53,640
That we had sex too well too often.
909
00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:55,975
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.
910
00:39:56,143 --> 00:39:57,102
Somebody is gonna...
911
00:39:57,269 --> 00:39:59,646
...fuck me tonight! You!
912
00:40:01,023 --> 00:40:02,899
Oh, no. Ha. Married.
913
00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,484
-He's single.
-Hi. Kumar.
914
00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:05,777
l don't date black guys.
915
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,320
-What? Whoa!
MARY: Unh!
916
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:09,406
-What are you doing?
MARY: Getting you ready.
917
00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:11,324
-Get her off me!
-Right, sorry, sorry!
918
00:40:11,492 --> 00:40:12,867
Uh, l'm not gonna let you...
919
00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:15,787
...rape my friend on Christmas Eve.
He's married.
920
00:40:15,955 --> 00:40:17,205
[ELEVATOR BELL DlNGS]
921
00:40:17,373 --> 00:40:19,499
[CHATTERlNG]
922
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:25,004
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
923
00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:26,589
Who the fuck are you?
924
00:40:28,008 --> 00:40:28,967
[GROANS]
925
00:40:29,135 --> 00:40:30,176
[SCRATCHES]
926
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:34,514
MARY:
Stop resisting.
927
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:35,932
HAROLD:
Push harder, dude!
928
00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:37,142
KUMAR:
l am doing it!
929
00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:38,184
HAROLD:
l can't get her...
930
00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:40,478
-...off!
MARY: Oh, God!
931
00:40:40,646 --> 00:40:42,063
[HAROLD GRUNTS]
932
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,773
Mariana?
933
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:46,568
Daddy.
934
00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:48,903
BOTH:
Daddy.
935
00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:52,449
That's Sergei...
936
00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:53,783
...Katsov.
937
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:54,784
l know, dude.
938
00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:56,161
Start talking.
939
00:40:56,328 --> 00:40:57,704
-Start talking.
-Okay.
940
00:40:59,748 --> 00:41:00,457
She--
941
00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:01,875
Start talking! Now!
942
00:41:02,042 --> 00:41:05,879
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold.
lt's very nice to meet you.
943
00:41:06,046 --> 00:41:08,381
Um, l know this is gonna be hard
for you to believe...
944
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,551
...but your daughter, sir, was the one
who was trying to rape us.
945
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:12,719
She's the raper.
946
00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,721
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.
947
00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:17,307
These men came in here,
l didn't know who they were.
948
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,933
l think that they got me drunk.
949
00:41:19,101 --> 00:41:20,894
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.
950
00:41:21,061 --> 00:41:22,437
You got my daughter drunk?
951
00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:24,898
Sir, if l may. This is all a big....
952
00:41:25,524 --> 00:41:26,733
Let me pull my pants up.
953
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,443
lt's all a big misunderstanding.
954
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:30,737
Your children threw the party.
955
00:41:32,114 --> 00:41:36,075
We have nothing to do with all the drugs
and all the alcohol.
956
00:41:36,243 --> 00:41:36,743
[WHlSTLE]
957
00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:38,286
Okay, listen up!
958
00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:39,370
Party's over!
959
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,371
My baby...
960
00:41:40,539 --> 00:41:43,708
-...is fucked on cocaine!
KATSOV: l've heard enough.
961
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,834
Gustav.
962
00:41:45,002 --> 00:41:45,919
[SPEAKS lN RUSSlAN]
963
00:41:46,128 --> 00:41:47,629
-What? Oh, shit!
-No! No!
964
00:41:47,796 --> 00:41:49,923
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?
965
00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,675
-Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
-He means both.
966
00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,260
Why can't he say both of us?
967
00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:55,762
Both of you...
968
00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:58,431
...kill them. Kill them all!
969
00:41:58,933 --> 00:41:59,891
[CROWD CLAMORlNG]
970
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:01,768
-Aah!
KUMAR: Go!
971
00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:02,602
Now!
972
00:42:03,437 --> 00:42:04,771
TODD:
Unh, ah! Ava!
973
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,731
Come with me if you wanna live!
974
00:42:06,899 --> 00:42:08,066
What? No, no!
975
00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:08,775
No, no, no!
976
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:14,113
[BOTH GRUNT]
977
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:46,980
Aah. Where's my baby?
978
00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:48,189
-Ava! Ava!
-Shh!
979
00:42:48,399 --> 00:42:50,650
Where could my baby be?
Where's my baby?
980
00:42:50,818 --> 00:42:51,568
[BABY GlGGLlNG]
981
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:53,444
[BOTH YELL]
982
00:42:54,196 --> 00:42:56,489
Your coke baby has superpowers.
983
00:42:56,657 --> 00:42:58,658
[BOTH LAUGHlNG]
984
00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:01,744
-That was close.
-l know, right?
985
00:43:02,830 --> 00:43:04,831
HAROLD:
Were you starting to trip out a little bit?
986
00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:09,210
Because l think l was starting
to trip out back there a little bit.
987
00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:12,755
Yeah, definitely, man. l think there
was something in the eggnog.
988
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,340
lt's pretty fucking sweet.
989
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:15,383
Don't worry.
990
00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:17,343
l'm pretty sure it's wearing off.
991
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,514
Or maybe not?
992
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:24,017
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!
993
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:25,685
Ha-ha-ha. So are you!
994
00:43:25,853 --> 00:43:26,894
So is he.
995
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:28,646
What's up, blood?
996
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:32,775
Dude, everything's Claymated!
997
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,027
Fuck you!
998
00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:35,361
KUMAR:
This is great!
999
00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:38,531
No, it's not! How am l supposed
to get a tree now? l'm made of clay.
1000
00:43:38,699 --> 00:43:40,074
Ooh, hold on. l have an idea.
1001
00:43:40,242 --> 00:43:41,075
What the hell--?
1002
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:42,368
Yah!
1003
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:44,412
KUMAR: Clay cocks!
-Put your cock away.
1004
00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:48,041
Dude, relax. lt's gonna wear off soon.
1005
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:48,833
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
1006
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,711
HAROLD:
Dude, are you seeing what l'm seeing?
1007
00:43:51,879 --> 00:43:52,795
What the fuck?
1008
00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:55,798
KUMAR: Don't worry, nothing bad
ever happens in Claymation.
1009
00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:57,050
[SNOWMAN GROWLS THEN GRUNTS]
1010
00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:58,676
Whoa!
1011
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,053
Shit!
1012
00:44:00,220 --> 00:44:01,220
Fuck!
1013
00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:10,813
Dude, look out!
1014
00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:20,490
[PEOPLE SCREAMlNG]
1015
00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:28,665
KUMAR:
Come on, let's hide...
1016
00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:29,582
...in that tree.
1017
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:30,708
Dude, come on!
1018
00:44:36,632 --> 00:44:37,715
HAROLD & KUMAR:
Aww.
1019
00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:40,176
Hey, little guy.
1020
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:44,263
Just wanna take you home
and cuddle with you all night long.
1021
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:46,265
You hungry?
1022
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:47,433
[GROWLS]
1023
00:44:47,601 --> 00:44:48,601
[BOTH SCREAMlNG]
1024
00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:53,147
Fuck me!
1025
00:44:55,943 --> 00:44:56,943
Mommy!
1026
00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:58,152
Hold me!
1027
00:44:58,320 --> 00:44:59,612
-Roldy!
-Kumar!
1028
00:44:59,780 --> 00:45:02,115
-What the hell's the matter?
ROSENBERG: What are you doing?
1029
00:45:02,282 --> 00:45:04,117
-Rosenberg.
-Goldstein?
1030
00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:07,954
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...
1031
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:09,956
...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.
1032
00:45:10,124 --> 00:45:11,791
ROSENBERG:
You are gonna catch your death...
1033
00:45:11,959 --> 00:45:14,127
...of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.
1034
00:45:14,294 --> 00:45:16,129
ls there somewhere we can eat?
1035
00:45:25,639 --> 00:45:27,890
This is why l tell you not
to have people over.
1036
00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:32,854
[WHlSPERS] Every single other person
got out of here except for us.
1037
00:45:33,021 --> 00:45:35,148
-[WHlSPERS] l knew you'd bring that up.
-You grabbed me.
1038
00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:37,567
You said, "Come with me
if you want to live."
1039
00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:38,693
[SPEAKS lN RUSSlAN]
1040
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:41,487
[GlGGLlNG]
1041
00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:43,740
-Man, l don't think that's okay.
-lt's fine.
1042
00:45:43,907 --> 00:45:46,325
lt's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.
1043
00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,369
l'm on cocaine.
1044
00:45:49,663 --> 00:45:50,788
l'm addicted to cocaine.
1045
00:45:50,956 --> 00:45:52,165
[SPEAKlNG lN RUSSlAN]
1046
00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:55,334
Yo! ldiots!
1047
00:45:56,670 --> 00:45:57,837
l want you to find...
1048
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:00,298
...the men who violated...
1049
00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:01,841
...my daughter...
1050
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:04,343
...and l want you to fucking kill them!
1051
00:46:05,888 --> 00:46:08,347
-Still hits the spot.
HAROLD: l know, right?
1052
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:11,851
Oh, l almost forgot. Harold,
my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.
1053
00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:13,686
So me and him, we're not gonna...
1054
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:15,521
...be able to make your party.
1055
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:17,398
-l'm so sorry about that.
-lt's okay.
1056
00:46:17,566 --> 00:46:21,360
There's not really a-- We should get going.
We got a Christmas tree emergency.
1057
00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:24,864
l don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.
1058
00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,032
GOLDSTElN:
For us Christians...
1059
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,868
...the tree is a very important
part of our holiday.
1060
00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:30,953
Okay, don't start with this. All right?
1061
00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:36,042
Just because your wife made you convert
doesn't mean you're not a Jew!
1062
00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:39,545
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!
1063
00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:41,839
First of all, don't ever take the Lord's...
1064
00:46:42,007 --> 00:46:43,424
...name in vain. Secondly...
1065
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:44,967
...l was baptized, bitch!
1066
00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:46,803
The second the priest...
1067
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,679
...poured that holy water over me...
1068
00:46:48,847 --> 00:46:51,766
...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred
just washed right off.
1069
00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:54,143
KUMAR: Sounds like you're enjoying
your new religion.
1070
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:55,561
Dude, it's the balls.
1071
00:46:55,729 --> 00:46:57,355
These dirty Jew bastards have...
1072
00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,065
...no idea what they're missing.
1073
00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:01,275
Fishing! Hunting!
l tie knots on a sailboat.
1074
00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:02,860
l made terrible investments...
1075
00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:04,487
...doesn't bother me a bit.
1076
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,239
And guess what. Next week...
1077
00:47:06,406 --> 00:47:08,825
...l have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.
1078
00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:11,619
That's right, l'm gonna get my snozzle.
1079
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:15,581
Guys, l'd love to stay and chat
but l gotta go get this tree.
1080
00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:17,250
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!
1081
00:47:20,629 --> 00:47:22,880
lt's glorious. lsn't it Christian?
1082
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:24,590
Great to see you guys.
1083
00:47:24,758 --> 00:47:26,425
KUMAR: See you, guys.
GOLDSTElN: No, wait.
1084
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:27,677
Excuse me!
1085
00:47:27,886 --> 00:47:31,097
You still owe me 87 cents
for that jalape?o cheeseburger!
1086
00:47:31,265 --> 00:47:35,017
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, now did it?
1087
00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:38,271
HAROLD:
God, that tree is perfect.
1088
00:47:38,438 --> 00:47:39,522
KUMAR:
Let's go check it out.
1089
00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:40,940
Tickets, please.
1090
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:42,692
l'm sorry, we don't have tickets.
1091
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:44,026
They sold out months ago.
1092
00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,612
-But--
-Step aside, please.
1093
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:48,948
l said step aside.
1094
00:47:51,451 --> 00:47:52,785
Shit.
1095
00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,831
You know what? Fuck it,
it's almost midnight. l give up.
1096
00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:58,124
You can't give up yet.
1097
00:47:59,001 --> 00:48:00,126
Look...
1098
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:02,920
...l have an idea on how we might
get that tree out.
1099
00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:04,714
-What?
-lt's not gonna be easy.
1100
00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,841
But this may be
the last chance we've got.
1101
00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:08,968
Here's what we do.
1102
00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:12,388
First, we need to steal some tickets.
1103
00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:15,141
Then l slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.
1104
00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:18,936
l head down
to the nuns' shower room.
1105
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,316
HAROLD: l didn't know the nuns
all showered in the same room.
1106
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:25,359
How do you think they stay so clean?
1107
00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:30,531
While the nuns are lezzing it out,
I'm gonna snag the key to the back room.
1108
00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:32,158
HAROLD:
What back room?
1109
00:48:32,326 --> 00:48:35,661
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am l going too fast?
1110
00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:36,829
-No.
-Okay, good.
1111
00:48:36,997 --> 00:48:38,831
You're in charge of distracting them.
1112
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,166
How the hell do l do that?
1113
00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:42,501
KUMAR: That's easy, you'll just use
our secret weapon.
1114
00:48:42,669 --> 00:48:47,173
Pillow fight in the altar boys' room.
Last one there's a rotten egg.
1115
00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:51,677
KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.
1116
00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:53,346
I guard while you kill the power.
1117
00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:55,681
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...
1118
00:48:55,849 --> 00:48:57,808
...you and l will get the tree.
1119
00:48:57,976 --> 00:49:00,728
We take it to your place,
and when Maria's dad comes home...
1120
00:49:00,896 --> 00:49:02,772
...and sees this beautiful tree...
1121
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,191
...in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.
1122
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:07,735
What do you think?
1123
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:10,029
lNEZ:
Uncle Harold.
1124
00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:12,949
l think l see Uncle Harold over there.
1125
00:49:13,116 --> 00:49:15,242
What do you mean,
you see Uncle Harold?
1126
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,082
Baby?
1127
00:49:21,708 --> 00:49:23,042
Oh, sorry, sir.
1128
00:49:23,543 --> 00:49:24,293
MR. PEREZ:
lt's okay, baby.
1129
00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:27,046
They all look alike to me too.
Ha-ha-ha.
1130
00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:33,135
HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass.
ls it midnight already? Fucking midnight!
1131
00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,553
Running out of time.
1132
00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:37,056
Wait, wait, wait!
What the hell are we doing?
1133
00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:39,475
Hold on. What the hell's going on?
1134
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:42,603
He almost spotted us!
l'm supposed to be at home with the tree.
1135
00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:45,064
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?
1136
00:49:45,232 --> 00:49:47,400
Because it is a big deal.
1137
00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:50,069
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?
1138
00:49:50,237 --> 00:49:54,240
l give a shit what my father-in-law thinks.
You wouldn't understand.
1139
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:57,743
No, dude, l don't understand.
1140
00:49:58,328 --> 00:50:01,414
You got a great job, you make good money,
you don't beat your wife.
1141
00:50:01,581 --> 00:50:03,749
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?
1142
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:05,543
-Well....
-lf l were you...
1143
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:07,753
...l'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.
1144
00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:10,840
You should not go through...
1145
00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,758
...all this just to make him happy.
1146
00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:15,094
You're right, l don't have to.
1147
00:50:15,762 --> 00:50:17,096
l want to.
1148
00:50:17,764 --> 00:50:21,517
l want him to be happy
because l want Maria to be happy.
1149
00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:24,603
Because what makes Maria happy
is what makes me happy.
1150
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:26,063
Don't you get it?
1151
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:28,566
l don't have to be doing this.
1152
00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,776
l wanna be doing this.
1153
00:50:32,612 --> 00:50:33,612
What the fuck?
1154
00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:36,615
Smoke break ended 1 0 minutes ago!
We need all bodies on-stage!
1155
00:50:36,783 --> 00:50:37,658
[BOTH YELL]
1156
00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:41,912
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!
1157
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:43,122
You have the wrong people.
1158
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:44,290
Wardrobe!
1159
00:50:44,458 --> 00:50:47,084
Go! Come on, come on, come on!
Shut up!
1160
00:50:48,795 --> 00:50:51,672
Ma'am, you seem like
a very nice person.
1161
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,132
BECCA:
Go! Move!
1162
00:50:53,300 --> 00:50:54,592
Fucking actors.
1163
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,428
ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]:
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
1164
00:50:57,596 --> 00:50:59,305
...without further ado...
1165
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:01,098
-...the man...
-Look at these firs.
1166
00:51:01,266 --> 00:51:02,808
...you've all been waiting for:
1167
00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:04,310
America's sweetheart!
1168
00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:05,311
[SlNGlNG]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
1169
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:06,479
Holy shit. Neil.
1170
00:51:06,980 --> 00:51:09,231
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
1171
00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:10,524
Dance.
1172
00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:11,525
What?
1173
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,319
Blend. Blend. Blend.
1174
00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:14,361
KUMAR:
Harold. Wait!
1175
00:51:14,946 --> 00:51:17,156
Don we now our gay apparel
1176
00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:19,992
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
1177
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,328
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
1178
00:51:22,496 --> 00:51:24,038
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la
1179
00:51:24,831 --> 00:51:26,248
La-la!
1180
00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:33,839
You better watch out
You better not cry
1181
00:51:34,007 --> 00:51:36,383
You better not pout
I'm tellin' you why
1182
00:51:36,551 --> 00:51:38,803
Santa Claus is comin'
1183
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:40,554
To town
1184
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:41,680
[GRUNTS]
1185
00:51:42,015 --> 00:51:43,849
He sees you when you're sleeping
1186
00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:45,184
He knows when you're awake
1187
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:46,811
[ALL GRUNTlNG]
1188
00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:48,896
HAROLD:
Oh, my God!
1189
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:51,232
So be good for goodness' sake
1190
00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,400
[SPEAKlNG lN SPANlSH]
1191
00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:00,658
Santa Claus is comin' to town
1192
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,999
WAFFLEBOTS [SlNGlNG]:
l played my drum for him
1193
00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:10,876
Pa rum pum pum pum
1194
00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:14,839
Then he
1195
00:52:15,006 --> 00:52:16,257
Smiled at me
1196
00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:18,509
Pa rum pum pum pum
1197
00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:21,220
Me and my drum
1198
00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:37,570
We wish you a merry Christmas
1199
00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:40,030
And a happy New Year
1200
00:52:40,198 --> 00:52:47,079
We wish you a merry Christmas
1201
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:49,957
And a happy
1202
00:52:50,125 --> 00:52:55,254
New Year
1203
00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:02,595
Merry Christmas, everyone!
1204
00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:07,057
DlRECTOR:
All right, that's a cut. Great job.
1205
00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:09,310
Great job.
l've just got a few notes, okay?
1206
00:53:09,477 --> 00:53:11,604
Just gonna come on the stage.
1207
00:53:11,771 --> 00:53:12,938
Oh, God.
1208
00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:14,899
Fucking tight jeans.
1209
00:53:16,610 --> 00:53:21,447
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.
1210
00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:23,949
You're a dream, but unfortunately...
1211
00:53:24,117 --> 00:53:26,118
...these backup blowjob artists...
1212
00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:28,454
...are ruining everything!
1213
00:53:28,622 --> 00:53:29,955
l can run it again.
1214
00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:33,459
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
Go and get some rest, huh?
1215
00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:35,461
Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha.
1216
00:53:36,796 --> 00:53:37,963
Damn it!
1217
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:43,844
Hey, Gracie, chin up.
1218
00:53:44,012 --> 00:53:46,013
Happens to the best of us.
You up for...
1219
00:53:46,181 --> 00:53:48,098
-...one-on-one rehearsing later?
GRAClE: Wait.
1220
00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:50,017
You know my name?
1221
00:53:50,185 --> 00:53:54,271
Of course. You're doing great.
l thought we could work on a thing or two.
1222
00:53:54,439 --> 00:53:57,316
-ln my dressing room, five minutes.
-Yes!
1223
00:53:57,484 --> 00:54:00,110
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.
1224
00:54:00,278 --> 00:54:03,030
-l'll get changed and be right over.
-l'll see you then.
1225
00:54:05,283 --> 00:54:07,826
You really think Neil can
get us one of those trees?
1226
00:54:07,994 --> 00:54:10,496
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.
1227
00:54:10,664 --> 00:54:11,997
No shit.
1228
00:54:12,624 --> 00:54:14,083
REPORTER:
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.
1229
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:17,503
Hollywood Hearsay.
ls it true that you're replacing Regis?
1230
00:54:17,671 --> 00:54:18,837
NElL:
lt'll be tough between...
1231
00:54:19,005 --> 00:54:21,674
...How l Met Your Mother
and charity work, but we'll see.
1232
00:54:21,841 --> 00:54:24,802
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.
1233
00:54:24,970 --> 00:54:28,055
How has this affected your relationship
with your partner, David?
1234
00:54:28,223 --> 00:54:30,683
Well, maybe this'll answer
your question.
1235
00:54:32,143 --> 00:54:33,644
So hot, NPH.
1236
00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:36,522
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?
1237
00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:38,315
Thank you. l love you guys.
1238
00:54:38,483 --> 00:54:39,483
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1239
00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,527
Ugh. What did l tell you
about using tongue?
1240
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:43,529
You wanted it to look realistic.
1241
00:54:43,697 --> 00:54:46,407
Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit.
1242
00:54:46,574 --> 00:54:49,493
The only reason l put up
with this homo crap is for the p-tang.
1243
00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:50,995
DAVlD:
Fuck this! l got a wife...
1244
00:54:51,162 --> 00:54:52,788
...and kid. l'm out of here.
1245
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:53,998
NElL:
Wait, man.
1246
00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:55,249
What about the stuff?
1247
00:54:55,458 --> 00:54:56,875
DAVlD: What stuff?
-The stuff.
1248
00:54:57,043 --> 00:54:58,168
Give me the stuff.
1249
00:54:58,878 --> 00:54:59,712
This stuff?
1250
00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:00,754
[PANTS]
1251
00:55:01,006 --> 00:55:01,839
Oh, yeah.
1252
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,549
You'd like this bag of crack.
1253
00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:04,508
Wouldn't you?
1254
00:55:04,676 --> 00:55:07,344
Well, maybe l should give it
to someone else.
1255
00:55:07,512 --> 00:55:09,513
You know l got Fred Savage
on speed dial.
1256
00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:11,849
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!
1257
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:15,894
Give it to me. Come on, David,
give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.
1258
00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:18,230
-Put money in my account.
-You got it. Done.
1259
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,191
-And sing at my niece's quincea?era.
-All right, l'll sing.
1260
00:55:21,359 --> 00:55:23,235
-You can't fuck her!
-l can't promise.
1261
00:55:23,403 --> 00:55:24,403
-Fine.
-No! All right!
1262
00:55:24,571 --> 00:55:25,362
l won't fuck her!
1263
00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:27,281
Just let me have the rock.
1264
00:55:27,449 --> 00:55:28,365
GRAClE:
Excuse me, Neil?
1265
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:29,658
Oh. Oh, this is--
1266
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,035
l can come back later.
1267
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:34,455
-No! No, l'm heading out. Ha, ha.
-No, we were just-- Hi.
1268
00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:36,373
Bye-bye, sweet pea.
1269
00:55:36,541 --> 00:55:38,459
-You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha.
DAVlD: Always.
1270
00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:39,918
You guys are too cute.
1271
00:55:40,086 --> 00:55:40,836
[MOUTHS]
Fuck you.
1272
00:55:41,004 --> 00:55:41,587
l do love...
1273
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,339
...that handsome man.
1274
00:55:43,715 --> 00:55:45,132
Thank you so much for this...
1275
00:55:45,300 --> 00:55:47,092
...opportunity to work with you.
1276
00:55:47,260 --> 00:55:48,260
Sure. Come on in.
1277
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:49,887
What would you like to rehearse?
1278
00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,181
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.
1279
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,933
You seemed tense.
l thought we could loosen you up.
1280
00:55:55,101 --> 00:55:56,268
Take your sweater off.
1281
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:57,561
[CHUCKLES]
1282
00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:58,437
Oh, no, no.
1283
00:55:58,605 --> 00:55:59,813
For a massage. Heh.
1284
00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:02,399
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.
1285
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:05,778
Well, l don't really have
anything on underneath, so....
1286
00:56:05,945 --> 00:56:08,072
Oh, it's okay.
lt's just a couple girlfriends.
1287
00:56:08,239 --> 00:56:09,281
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1288
00:56:09,783 --> 00:56:11,116
Now take it off.
1289
00:56:11,659 --> 00:56:12,743
Okay.
1290
00:56:16,456 --> 00:56:18,415
Why don't you lay on the bed?
1291
00:56:23,004 --> 00:56:24,463
[SNlFFS]
1292
00:56:28,593 --> 00:56:29,802
-Ow.
-Sorry.
1293
00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:34,139
[BOTH MOANlNG]
1294
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:35,265
Feels good.
1295
00:56:35,433 --> 00:56:37,142
Yeah, it does feel good.
1296
00:56:37,310 --> 00:56:39,353
l can't.... l can't....
1297
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,189
-Can l take this bra off?
-Um....
1298
00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:44,817
-lt's okay. Girlfriends.
-Ha-ha-ha.
1299
00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:46,944
That's better.
1300
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,612
Should we do something?
1301
00:56:48,780 --> 00:56:51,490
l don't know, l kind of wanna see
what happens next.
1302
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:52,950
Feels good.
1303
00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:54,326
Oh, it's so hard.
1304
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:56,787
This knot on your back is so hard.
1305
00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:58,622
Look, don't be alarmed...
1306
00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:03,877
...but l'm gonna squirt some lotion
on your back in about...
1307
00:57:04,337 --> 00:57:05,629
...35 seconds.
1308
00:57:05,797 --> 00:57:06,672
Excuse me?
1309
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,048
-Shut up.
-What the fuck?
1310
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:09,341
Shut the fuck up!
1311
00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:10,634
Get the fuck off of me!
1312
00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:12,678
You like it rough? l can play that way.
1313
00:57:12,846 --> 00:57:14,513
God! l thought you were gay!
1314
00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:16,181
l am gay. Gay for that pussy.
1315
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:17,349
Oh!
1316
00:57:17,517 --> 00:57:19,560
l don't know what sick game
you're playing...
1317
00:57:19,727 --> 00:57:21,979
...but touch me again,
l'll rip your dick off!
1318
00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:23,439
[LAUGHlNG]
1319
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:24,481
[GRUNTS]
1320
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,570
Morty, Kumar, long time.
1321
00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,740
lt's Harold, actually.
1322
00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:35,409
Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is.
1323
00:57:35,618 --> 00:57:36,869
Come on, have a seat.
1324
00:57:37,036 --> 00:57:40,539
How long has it been?
You two look great. Have you lost weight?
1325
00:57:40,707 --> 00:57:42,332
ls that Hugo Boss? l love it.
1326
00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:44,543
Well, thanks. Listen, um....
1327
00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,880
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?
1328
00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:49,715
Shut up!
1329
00:57:49,924 --> 00:57:50,883
God, l hate this...
1330
00:57:51,050 --> 00:57:53,051
...fucking PancakeBot thing.
1331
00:57:53,219 --> 00:57:54,720
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.
1332
00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:56,013
They're awesome.
1333
00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:56,763
WaffleThing.
1334
00:57:56,931 --> 00:57:58,056
Get the fuck...
1335
00:57:58,224 --> 00:57:59,558
...out of my life!
1336
00:58:00,226 --> 00:58:01,852
Ouch.
1337
00:58:02,187 --> 00:58:03,270
[NElL SlGHS]
1338
00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:04,396
Anyway...
1339
00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:07,065
...what can l do for you,
my burglars of turd?
1340
00:58:07,233 --> 00:58:09,401
Time-the-fuck-out.
How are you still alive?
1341
00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:10,736
Yeah, how the fuck?
1342
00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:12,446
What are you talking about?
1343
00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:13,780
We saw you get shot.
1344
00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:16,074
You have to be more specific.
1345
00:58:16,242 --> 00:58:17,117
ln that whorehouse.
1346
00:58:17,285 --> 00:58:17,910
ln Texas.
1347
00:58:18,077 --> 00:58:19,453
You branded a prostitute.
1348
00:58:19,621 --> 00:58:20,204
Remember?
1349
00:58:20,580 --> 00:58:22,206
Oh, yeah!
1350
00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:24,541
Now l remember.
1351
00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:26,043
lt hurt like hell...
1352
00:58:26,211 --> 00:58:27,044
...at first.
1353
00:58:27,212 --> 00:58:27,961
And then...
1354
00:58:28,129 --> 00:58:29,171
[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]
1355
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:31,715
...everything faded away.
1356
00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:33,592
And l went to heaven.
1357
00:58:35,386 --> 00:58:36,386
It was exactly...
1358
00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:37,596
...like l imagined it.
1359
00:58:37,764 --> 00:58:38,764
[CHATTERlNG]
1360
00:58:39,599 --> 00:58:40,766
Saint Peter was there...
1361
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:41,934
...to meet me.
1362
00:58:42,101 --> 00:58:43,602
Whoa. No way!
1363
00:58:43,770 --> 00:58:45,270
-NPH?
-Yup.
1364
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,607
ST. PETER:
Make room! Make room! VlP!
1365
00:58:49,484 --> 00:58:50,526
[DANCE MUSlC
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
1366
00:58:50,693 --> 00:58:53,445
NElL: The chicks were hot.
The music was sick.
1367
00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:55,113
There were lasers.
1368
00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:56,990
lt was like being famous...
1369
00:58:57,158 --> 00:58:59,326
...in the early '90s. l was about to...
1370
00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,161
...get my drink on, when l was...
1371
00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:03,205
...interrupted by some dirty hippie.
1372
00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:05,791
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.
1373
00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:07,960
l'm sure you recognize me...
1374
00:59:09,003 --> 00:59:10,587
...but l'm Jesus. So....
1375
00:59:11,130 --> 00:59:12,172
Jesus...?
1376
00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,800
Jesus Christ. That's me.
l'm Jesus Christ, Neil.
1377
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,760
Hey, ladies.
1378
00:59:16,928 --> 00:59:19,388
Neil Patrick Harris.
l played Private Carl Jenkins...
1379
00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:20,973
...in Starship Troopers.
1380
00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:21,974
JESUS:
Wow.
1381
00:59:22,183 --> 00:59:24,309
l love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome.
1382
00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:26,311
Let's get shots.
Keep the party going.
1383
00:59:26,479 --> 00:59:27,354
-Who's in?
-Shots.
1384
00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:28,230
So, girls....
1385
00:59:31,150 --> 00:59:32,901
Aw, come on.
1386
00:59:33,069 --> 00:59:34,361
How did that happen already?
1387
00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:38,198
Give me the phone to Dad.
1388
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,201
GOD: This is God.
-Daddy?
1389
00:59:41,369 --> 00:59:43,078
We need to 86 NPH ASAP.
1390
00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:44,997
He's getting a handjob in my club.
1391
00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:47,291
[MOANS]
1392
00:59:47,458 --> 00:59:50,127
Jesus, what a cockblock.
1393
00:59:51,045 --> 00:59:52,462
Doesn't explain the gay thing.
1394
00:59:52,630 --> 00:59:53,964
You're not gay, motherfucker.
1395
00:59:54,132 --> 00:59:54,840
At all.
1396
00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:56,341
[LAUGHS]
1397
00:59:56,843 --> 00:59:59,678
That's a little something
we magicians call "misdirection."
1398
00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:01,054
Little trick l learned...
1399
01:00:01,222 --> 01:00:02,222
-...from Clay Aiken.
HAROLD: What?
1400
01:00:02,390 --> 01:00:03,807
Clay Aiken's not gay?
1401
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:07,894
Clay's the biggest coozehound l know.
That guy gets mad gash.
1402
01:00:08,062 --> 01:00:08,979
HAROLD:
Neil, listen.
1403
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:10,897
l was wondering if--
1404
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:13,150
l can get you one of those
Christmas trees?
1405
01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:14,359
Sure, no problem.
1406
01:00:14,527 --> 01:00:15,527
How'd you know that?
1407
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:17,654
l can read your mind.
1408
01:00:19,407 --> 01:00:20,407
KUMAR:
All right.
1409
01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:21,700
You might be able to--?
1410
01:00:21,868 --> 01:00:25,037
Hook you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.
1411
01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:26,580
l hate that android fuck.
1412
01:00:26,789 --> 01:00:29,583
Don't call him that, dude.
What's up, WaffleBot?
1413
01:00:29,751 --> 01:00:31,918
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?
1414
01:00:32,086 --> 01:00:33,879
l hate pancakes.
1415
01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:34,921
l know, so do l.
1416
01:00:35,089 --> 01:00:36,798
Kumar.
1417
01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:39,009
Thanks, Neil.
1418
01:00:39,177 --> 01:00:40,218
-Thanks.
NElL: No problem.
1419
01:00:40,386 --> 01:00:43,221
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.
1420
01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:48,143
HAROLD: God, this is amazing. We're
actually gonna make it home before they do.
1421
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,562
-We saved Christmas, man.
KUMAR: Mission accomplished.
1422
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,023
-All right, put down the tree. Put it down.
-Unh!
1423
01:00:53,232 --> 01:00:54,816
HAROLD: All right.
-Waffle break?
1424
01:00:55,026 --> 01:00:56,902
All right. Oh, God.
1425
01:00:57,070 --> 01:00:58,737
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.
1426
01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:00,030
Dude, seriously...
1427
01:01:00,198 --> 01:01:01,948
...these are incredible waffles.
1428
01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:04,743
Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.
1429
01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:07,079
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot.
1430
01:01:07,246 --> 01:01:08,830
I love you...
1431
01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:10,666
-...Kumar.
-Ha, ha.
1432
01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:12,209
l love you too, little guy.
1433
01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:13,418
HAROLD:
What the fuck?
1434
01:01:13,586 --> 01:01:15,128
That is the weirdest fucking toy.
1435
01:01:15,755 --> 01:01:16,588
You're happy.
1436
01:01:16,756 --> 01:01:19,216
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:
1437
01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:21,301
l'm more fun to hang out with than Todd.
1438
01:01:21,469 --> 01:01:24,096
Todd and Ava.
l totally forgot about them.
1439
01:01:24,597 --> 01:01:25,931
l'm sure they're fine, right?
1440
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:27,391
lt's going to voicemail.
1441
01:01:27,558 --> 01:01:29,351
l think they're fine.
Todd's a big boy.
1442
01:01:29,519 --> 01:01:31,645
He's probably putting her
to bed or something.
1443
01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:34,606
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?
1444
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,236
MADEA [ON TV]:
Look at me, look at me!
1445
01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:41,113
Why wasn't you at school today?
1446
01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:42,447
l went to the park.
1447
01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:43,740
She lying.
1448
01:01:43,950 --> 01:01:46,368
MADEA: What was you doing?
You supposed to be at school.
1449
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,536
[BAG RUSTLlNG]
1450
01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:49,788
Little girl, l'm not gonna
ask you no more.
1451
01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:53,959
NIKKI: l'm not smart like the other kids.
l can't do that stuff.
1452
01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,669
MADEA:
Who told you that?
1453
01:01:55,878 --> 01:01:57,963
NlKKl:
My last foster mother.
1454
01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:02,092
She told me that the only thing l'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
1455
01:02:02,260 --> 01:02:05,178
MADEA: The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...
1456
01:02:05,346 --> 01:02:06,388
[CRUNCHlNG]
1457
01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,641
...is to prove them wrong. l went to
that school and l got your homework.
1458
01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:12,728
TODD [WHlSPERS]:
Are you fucking kidding me?
1459
01:02:12,895 --> 01:02:13,645
["DECK THE HALLS"
PLAYS AS RlNGTONE]
1460
01:02:13,813 --> 01:02:14,563
-Oh.
-Oh.
1461
01:02:15,106 --> 01:02:16,648
Maybe that's Todd.
1462
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,650
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?
1463
01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:20,444
Oh, that's because Maria is--
1464
01:02:20,611 --> 01:02:21,820
-Hello?
VANESSA: Kumar?
1465
01:02:21,988 --> 01:02:23,113
-ls that you?
-Yeah.
1466
01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:24,823
Why are you calling Harold?
1467
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:25,657
[SlGHS]
1468
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,200
Can l just speak to him, please?
1469
01:02:27,368 --> 01:02:28,785
What? No.
1470
01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:30,162
l've been texting you.
1471
01:02:30,329 --> 01:02:32,080
l haven't heard back.
What's going on?
1472
01:02:32,248 --> 01:02:33,415
Tell him l'm not gonna...
1473
01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,167
...make it to his party tomorrow.
1474
01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:38,086
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it--
1475
01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:40,213
She won't make it to your party.
Too bad.
1476
01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:42,632
What else have you been
doing behind my back?
1477
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:44,926
Has she seen your dick?
ls it bigger than mine?
1478
01:02:45,094 --> 01:02:47,679
Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay?
Goodbye.
1479
01:02:47,847 --> 01:02:49,639
No, don't hang up the phone on me.
1480
01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:51,183
Hello?
1481
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:53,935
Here's your phone.
1482
01:02:54,312 --> 01:02:55,020
What is that?
1483
01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:57,689
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.
1484
01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:59,691
Does everybody know
about this party?
1485
01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:01,902
Listen, if you want you can come.
1486
01:03:02,069 --> 01:03:04,654
l don't wanna come to your
shitty-ass party, dude.
1487
01:03:04,822 --> 01:03:07,032
l can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.
1488
01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:08,825
Am l supposed to feel bad?
1489
01:03:08,993 --> 01:03:12,496
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.
1490
01:03:12,663 --> 01:03:14,873
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...
1491
01:03:15,041 --> 01:03:17,292
...with your douchey friends
and gay-ass sconces.
1492
01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:18,919
l don't need to be part of this.
1493
01:03:19,086 --> 01:03:20,378
l love those sconces.
1494
01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:23,048
You know, l was really happy
till you showed up today.
1495
01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,008
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.
1496
01:03:25,176 --> 01:03:26,635
-l'm out.
-Fine with me.
1497
01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:27,344
Fine.
1498
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:28,720
-Cool.
-All right.
1499
01:03:28,888 --> 01:03:30,889
-Are we having lovers' quarrel?
-Oh, shit.
1500
01:03:31,641 --> 01:03:32,808
[MUFFLED GRUNTlNG]
1501
01:03:36,562 --> 01:03:39,898
Kumar, my friend.
1502
01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:44,110
Oh, look.
1503
01:03:44,278 --> 01:03:45,195
A WaffleBot.
1504
01:03:45,363 --> 01:03:45,987
GUSTAV:
Mary would...
1505
01:03:46,155 --> 01:03:47,572
-...love one of these.
-Uh-huh.
1506
01:03:47,740 --> 01:03:48,907
GUSTAV:
Grab it.
1507
01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:50,742
Oh, crap.
1508
01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:57,624
GUSTAV:
Wake up!
1509
01:03:58,626 --> 01:04:00,919
Wake up! Wake up!
1510
01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:02,796
Wake up.
1511
01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:06,007
-Wake up.
-Oh.
1512
01:04:06,259 --> 01:04:07,801
Oh, shit.
1513
01:04:08,010 --> 01:04:10,762
Please, l don't know what we've done,
but please let us go.
1514
01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,265
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?
1515
01:04:13,432 --> 01:04:14,766
That was a misunderstanding.
1516
01:04:14,934 --> 01:04:16,893
l'm freezing!
Give us back our clothes.
1517
01:04:17,061 --> 01:04:18,937
Yuri, warm them up.
1518
01:04:23,568 --> 01:04:25,652
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.
1519
01:04:25,820 --> 01:04:26,945
KUMAR:
Please don't do that.
1520
01:04:27,113 --> 01:04:30,407
Please, please, please.
There is a very serious gas crisis...
1521
01:04:30,575 --> 01:04:32,784
-...in the world. Let's discuss.
-Come on, man!
1522
01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:35,745
As they say in my country:
1523
01:04:35,913 --> 01:04:36,997
[SPEAKS lN RUSSlAN]
1524
01:04:37,164 --> 01:04:38,623
No, don't say "do svidaniya. "
1525
01:04:39,166 --> 01:04:40,333
Come on.
1526
01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:44,963
You didn't get the lighter.
1527
01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,592
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.
1528
01:04:48,759 --> 01:04:49,968
Nothing about lighter.
1529
01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:51,428
GUSTAV:
You stupid...
1530
01:04:51,596 --> 01:04:53,763
...fucking moron!
1531
01:04:53,973 --> 01:04:55,473
You're such a fuck-up!
1532
01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:58,268
Oh, shit.
1533
01:04:58,811 --> 01:05:00,145
[SPEAKlNG lN RUSSlAN]
1534
01:05:01,772 --> 01:05:02,898
[GUSTAV SPEAKlNG lN RUSSlAN]
1535
01:05:06,110 --> 01:05:07,068
Hey, guys, stop!
1536
01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:09,571
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it.
1537
01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:14,284
Now, look, l understand that you guys
have your issues, okay?
1538
01:05:14,619 --> 01:05:18,580
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...
1539
01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:22,334
...a different time and place,
but that doesn't change the fact that you...
1540
01:05:22,501 --> 01:05:25,337
...have a long and probably
beautiful history together.
1541
01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:30,717
Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up
every now and again.
1542
01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:32,469
Happens.
1543
01:05:32,637 --> 01:05:35,013
Maybe he fucks up all the time.
1544
01:05:35,681 --> 01:05:38,350
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.
1545
01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:43,146
Right.
1546
01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:48,234
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one...
1547
01:05:48,402 --> 01:05:50,278
...is trying to act like an adult...
1548
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:53,156
...and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...
1549
01:05:53,324 --> 01:05:55,325
...that he's being a fucking chode.
1550
01:05:55,868 --> 01:05:59,454
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...
1551
01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:02,040
...and sconces
than a lifetime of friendship.
1552
01:06:04,210 --> 01:06:05,251
What do you say, guys?
1553
01:06:06,587 --> 01:06:08,588
[SOBBlNG]
1554
01:06:10,716 --> 01:06:12,384
-Yeah, hug it out.
-All right.
1555
01:06:13,219 --> 01:06:13,760
Hey, guys.
1556
01:06:13,928 --> 01:06:15,720
How about you cut us out?
1557
01:06:16,013 --> 01:06:18,056
We'll go get ourselves
a Christmas beer.
1558
01:06:18,224 --> 01:06:20,141
-A beer sounds great.
HAROLD: Awesome.
1559
01:06:20,559 --> 01:06:21,559
[CHUCKLES]
1560
01:06:21,727 --> 01:06:22,727
GUSTAV:
But first...
1561
01:06:22,895 --> 01:06:24,521
...we have some killing to do.
1562
01:06:24,689 --> 01:06:25,355
Come on!
1563
01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:27,232
After we just had that breakthrough?
1564
01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:30,735
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
lt'll all be over quick.
1565
01:06:33,072 --> 01:06:35,407
-ls this how we die?
-l think so, dude.
1566
01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,076
Bye, Kumar.
1567
01:06:39,161 --> 01:06:40,537
Bye, Harold.
1568
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:42,205
WAFFLEBOT:
Kumar.
1569
01:06:42,373 --> 01:06:43,581
Your waffles...
1570
01:06:43,749 --> 01:06:45,250
-...are ready.
-WaffleBot?
1571
01:06:47,044 --> 01:06:49,421
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.
1572
01:06:49,755 --> 01:06:50,922
l hate...
1573
01:06:51,090 --> 01:06:52,674
...pancakes.
1574
01:06:56,679 --> 01:06:58,346
[GUN CLlCKlNG]
1575
01:06:58,764 --> 01:07:00,265
They serve pancakes...
1576
01:07:00,433 --> 01:07:02,267
...in hell.
1577
01:07:04,145 --> 01:07:04,686
[SCREAMS]
1578
01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:05,395
Ooh!
1579
01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:09,649
BOTH:
Holy shit!
1580
01:07:09,817 --> 01:07:11,192
You hurt my brother!
1581
01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,112
[GROANS THEN YELLS]
1582
01:07:16,073 --> 01:07:16,740
[GRUNTS]
1583
01:07:16,907 --> 01:07:18,324
[BOTH LAUGH]
1584
01:07:18,534 --> 01:07:19,075
KUMAR:
Whoo!
1585
01:07:19,243 --> 01:07:20,076
[GRUNTS]
1586
01:07:20,244 --> 01:07:22,412
-How do we get out of these ropes?
-WaffleBot.
1587
01:07:22,580 --> 01:07:24,456
Kumar.
1588
01:07:24,957 --> 01:07:26,499
Can you untie us?
1589
01:07:26,709 --> 01:07:27,751
Battery low.
1590
01:07:27,918 --> 01:07:29,377
Losing...
1591
01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:30,670
...power.
1592
01:07:30,838 --> 01:07:31,880
WaffleBot, look at me.
1593
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:33,131
You can do this, man.
1594
01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:47,937
-Ha, ha.
-Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.
1595
01:07:48,647 --> 01:07:50,356
You're welcome, Kumar.
1596
01:07:50,524 --> 01:07:55,779
Pancakes are fucking gay.
1597
01:07:58,365 --> 01:08:01,159
Holy shit. That is the best
Christmas toy ever.
1598
01:08:01,619 --> 01:08:03,286
HAROLD:
l guess. lt's extraordinarily...
1599
01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:05,789
...unsafe, but it did save our lives.
1600
01:08:07,333 --> 01:08:08,917
-Listen, man, l--
-Man, this--
1601
01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:11,127
-Aah!
-Oh, my God.
1602
01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:13,338
Holy shit!
1603
01:08:14,006 --> 01:08:15,006
This is like that...
1604
01:08:15,174 --> 01:08:16,674
...scene from A Christmas Story.
1605
01:08:16,842 --> 01:08:19,010
ls it like the scene from
A Christmas Story?
1606
01:08:19,178 --> 01:08:20,512
l just saw this scene.
1607
01:08:20,679 --> 01:08:21,346
[HAROLD GRUNTlNG]
1608
01:08:21,639 --> 01:08:23,640
-Oh, fuck!
-Okay, we need...
1609
01:08:23,808 --> 01:08:26,351
...some sort of a warm liquid.
l'll spit on it.
1610
01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:28,228
Don't fucking spit on my dick!
1611
01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:29,646
Fine. Can you pee on it?
1612
01:08:29,897 --> 01:08:31,356
Give me a second.
1613
01:08:32,149 --> 01:08:34,025
-lt's not working.
-Fine, l'll pee on it.
1614
01:08:34,193 --> 01:08:35,276
Don't pee on me!
1615
01:08:35,444 --> 01:08:36,903
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do--?
1616
01:08:37,071 --> 01:08:39,405
-Oh. Our clothes.
-Oh.
1617
01:08:39,573 --> 01:08:40,865
Cool about the clothes.
1618
01:08:41,033 --> 01:08:42,867
My dick's stuck to a pole!
1619
01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,747
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.
1620
01:08:47,915 --> 01:08:49,624
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!
1621
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,001
Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee.
1622
01:08:52,169 --> 01:08:55,880
So l'm just gonna pour a little bit on.
Probably gonna sting for a second.
1623
01:08:56,048 --> 01:08:57,465
-Get it over with!
-All right.
1624
01:08:57,675 --> 01:08:58,800
Just let me just--
1625
01:08:59,552 --> 01:09:00,426
[SCREAMlNG]
1626
01:09:00,678 --> 01:09:01,553
-l'm sorry.
-Fuck!
1627
01:09:01,720 --> 01:09:02,887
Oh, fuck! l'm sorry, dude!
1628
01:09:03,055 --> 01:09:04,556
Oh, God, l ruined your dick!
1629
01:09:04,723 --> 01:09:05,890
You asshole!
1630
01:09:06,058 --> 01:09:07,350
Just walk it off.
1631
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:09,060
Walk it off.
1632
01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,983
[WHlSPERS] How long are we supposed
to stay in here?
1633
01:09:15,192 --> 01:09:17,819
TODD [WHlSPERS]:
Until that fucking Russian sociopathic...
1634
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:19,237
...killing machine leaves.
1635
01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:25,243
They gave my daughter ecstasy.
1636
01:09:25,452 --> 01:09:26,703
[lN RUSSlAN]
1637
01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:29,247
l don't know Russian,
but he seems a little upset.
1638
01:09:29,415 --> 01:09:30,832
l'd say so. Shh, shh!
1639
01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:32,417
ADRlAN:
She's crashing hard.
1640
01:09:32,585 --> 01:09:34,169
We gotta give her more blow.
1641
01:09:34,336 --> 01:09:35,587
No, no! No more cocaine!
1642
01:09:35,754 --> 01:09:36,629
l need it!
1643
01:09:36,797 --> 01:09:38,840
-There's some.
-Do not give her more!
1644
01:09:39,008 --> 01:09:40,091
Give it to me!
1645
01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:41,301
TODD:
Ava, no! No, please!
1646
01:09:41,468 --> 01:09:42,969
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!
1647
01:09:43,429 --> 01:09:44,596
ADRlAN:
Dude, look.
1648
01:09:44,763 --> 01:09:45,763
Oh, this is not good!
1649
01:09:45,931 --> 01:09:47,015
Oh, this is not good.
1650
01:09:47,224 --> 01:09:48,266
Oh, this is not good!
1651
01:09:48,767 --> 01:09:51,102
Ava! Scooch to Daddy!
Hide behind Daddy!
1652
01:09:51,270 --> 01:09:53,438
ADRlAN:
New plan. Let's bash through the door.
1653
01:09:53,606 --> 01:09:54,606
You steal his gun.
1654
01:09:54,773 --> 01:09:56,774
That's the stupidest thing
l've ever heard!
1655
01:10:10,956 --> 01:10:11,623
[SNlFFS]
1656
01:10:14,126 --> 01:10:15,210
[GRUNTS]
1657
01:10:18,547 --> 01:10:19,255
TODD:
Yah!
1658
01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:22,467
[lN NORMAL VOlCE]
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. l'm--
1659
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:25,345
l'm so sorry. Wow.
1660
01:10:25,512 --> 01:10:28,139
l thought that would
knock you out, obviously.
1661
01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:29,474
Look. We are...
1662
01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:30,892
...two reasonable guys...
1663
01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,769
...and....
1664
01:10:32,937 --> 01:10:34,270
[OBJECT THUMPS]
1665
01:10:35,064 --> 01:10:35,813
[THUDS]
1666
01:10:37,524 --> 01:10:40,318
These are dangerous,
but, aw, it's a great workout.
1667
01:10:40,486 --> 01:10:42,487
You can really feel it.
1668
01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:45,365
Bis, pecs, this one.
1669
01:10:45,658 --> 01:10:47,200
TODD:
Thank you, Adrian.
1670
01:10:47,368 --> 01:10:49,202
That was a really great team effort.
1671
01:10:49,370 --> 01:10:51,162
Who's my sidekick? You are.
1672
01:10:51,330 --> 01:10:51,955
Let's go.
1673
01:10:52,122 --> 01:10:54,999
Good girl! Let's go home!
Let's go see Santa.
1674
01:10:55,417 --> 01:10:56,167
Oh, mints!
1675
01:10:58,254 --> 01:10:59,003
Mm.
1676
01:11:01,173 --> 01:11:02,674
HAROLD:
Where the fuck are we?
1677
01:11:02,841 --> 01:11:05,510
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1678
01:11:07,179 --> 01:11:08,304
Do you have any bars?
1679
01:11:08,722 --> 01:11:10,848
-l got no bars.
-Shit. Nothing here.
1680
01:11:11,308 --> 01:11:12,558
Hello?
1681
01:11:14,186 --> 01:11:15,853
Anybody here?
1682
01:11:16,605 --> 01:11:17,855
Forget it. Just--
1683
01:11:18,357 --> 01:11:19,691
Forget it. lt's past 2 a.m.
1684
01:11:19,858 --> 01:11:22,694
They're home, wondering where l am,
where the tree is.
1685
01:11:22,861 --> 01:11:24,028
l just--
1686
01:11:24,863 --> 01:11:26,906
lt's such a disaster, this fucking night.
1687
01:11:27,074 --> 01:11:29,033
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.
1688
01:11:29,201 --> 01:11:30,451
No. When Maria's dad...
1689
01:11:30,619 --> 01:11:33,121
-...was a young boy in Medell?n--
-Vanessa's pregnant.
1690
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:34,706
What?
1691
01:11:34,873 --> 01:11:37,625
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.
1692
01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:41,045
l thought weed stunted fertility.
That's why l quit.
1693
01:11:41,213 --> 01:11:43,631
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.
1694
01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:45,925
Wait a second,
that's why you quit weed?
1695
01:11:46,218 --> 01:11:47,635
Yeah, that's why l--
1696
01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:52,557
We've been trying for like a....
For a year.
1697
01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:54,058
Oh, man.
1698
01:11:54,226 --> 01:11:56,352
Now l feel even worse about your dick.
1699
01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:57,770
l don't wanna--
1700
01:11:57,938 --> 01:11:59,063
How do we get out?
1701
01:12:01,734 --> 01:12:02,734
l got an idea.
1702
01:12:05,571 --> 01:12:07,071
l saw this in a movie, man.
1703
01:12:07,239 --> 01:12:09,615
Just shoot this motherfucker,
people come.
1704
01:12:09,783 --> 01:12:10,783
We can find people.
1705
01:12:10,951 --> 01:12:13,244
No, it's fine. Aah!
1706
01:12:17,249 --> 01:12:17,957
Now what?
1707
01:12:18,625 --> 01:12:19,751
l don't know.
1708
01:12:20,461 --> 01:12:21,794
[MAN GROANlNG]
1709
01:12:23,630 --> 01:12:24,964
No fucking way.
1710
01:12:35,434 --> 01:12:36,768
Santa, can you hear me?
1711
01:12:36,935 --> 01:12:38,436
Oh, what the fuck?
1712
01:12:38,604 --> 01:12:42,106
Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident.
l'm gonna take a closer look.
1713
01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:44,650
Oh, God!
1714
01:12:44,818 --> 01:12:45,651
This isn't good.
1715
01:12:45,819 --> 01:12:47,153
Mr. Claus, can you feel...
1716
01:12:47,321 --> 01:12:47,904
...any of this?
1717
01:12:48,072 --> 01:12:49,155
[BOTH YELL]
1718
01:12:49,615 --> 01:12:51,115
SANTA:
Just let me die, please!
1719
01:12:51,283 --> 01:12:52,658
Let me die in peace!
1720
01:12:52,826 --> 01:12:55,495
No. Nobody's dying, Claus.
Not on my watch.
1721
01:12:55,662 --> 01:12:58,331
Listen to me. l need you to go
into Santa's gift bag...
1722
01:12:58,499 --> 01:13:00,708
...get as many medical supplies
as you can.
1723
01:13:11,178 --> 01:13:12,303
Oh, God!
1724
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:15,348
Aah!
1725
01:13:18,310 --> 01:13:19,727
KUMAR:
Ah, there.
1726
01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:21,229
l think that'll do it.
1727
01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:22,730
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?
1728
01:13:22,940 --> 01:13:24,816
Uh, a little woozy.
1729
01:13:24,983 --> 01:13:26,567
The morphine. lt'll wear off.
1730
01:13:26,735 --> 01:13:28,945
Nice. But l...
1731
01:13:29,113 --> 01:13:30,071
...think l'm okay.
1732
01:13:30,239 --> 01:13:33,449
Look, Santa, we're so sorry.
1733
01:13:33,617 --> 01:13:35,868
Oh, l know it wasn't your fault.
1734
01:13:36,036 --> 01:13:38,287
You two have always been good boys.
1735
01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:40,665
Tell that to my father-in-law.
1736
01:13:40,833 --> 01:13:43,668
Hey, man, l can take the blame
for that, all right?
1737
01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:45,878
Listen, l'd love to stay and chat...
1738
01:13:46,046 --> 01:13:49,132
...but l'm running a little late
and l have all these...
1739
01:13:49,299 --> 01:13:51,175
...presents to deliver.
1740
01:13:51,343 --> 01:13:53,344
So you guys need a ride
or something?
1741
01:13:53,846 --> 01:13:54,971
Seriously?
1742
01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,682
KUMAR:
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!
1743
01:13:57,850 --> 01:13:59,517
lt's not not awesome!
1744
01:14:00,185 --> 01:14:01,477
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1745
01:14:02,062 --> 01:14:03,312
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
1746
01:14:04,064 --> 01:14:05,731
[HAROLD & KUMAR YELLlNG]
1747
01:14:13,282 --> 01:14:14,782
[SANTA CHUCKLES]
1748
01:14:17,411 --> 01:14:18,578
Thanks for the ride.
1749
01:14:19,246 --> 01:14:20,037
l'm guessing...
1750
01:14:20,205 --> 01:14:22,373
...you don't have a 1 2-foot Fraser fir?
1751
01:14:22,624 --> 01:14:24,125
Sorry. l can't help you there.
1752
01:14:24,626 --> 01:14:25,376
Besides...
1753
01:14:25,544 --> 01:14:27,044
...l gave you your present.
1754
01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:28,880
-You did?
SANTA: Yes.
1755
01:14:29,047 --> 01:14:30,256
You got my package, right?
1756
01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:31,090
The joint?
1757
01:14:31,633 --> 01:14:32,884
-That was you?
SANTA: Yeah.
1758
01:14:33,051 --> 01:14:35,761
lt was my little way of bringing
you boys back together.
1759
01:14:38,557 --> 01:14:39,098
Dude...
1760
01:14:39,391 --> 01:14:41,642
...l'd really like it
if you came over tomorrow.
1761
01:14:41,894 --> 01:14:43,603
Won't be a party unless you're there.
1762
01:14:43,770 --> 01:14:45,897
lt's about fucking time, Roldy.
1763
01:14:46,315 --> 01:14:48,065
l wouldn't miss it, man.
1764
01:14:51,820 --> 01:14:54,572
By the way, for what it's worth...
1765
01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:56,407
...you'd make a great dad.
1766
01:14:57,910 --> 01:14:58,659
SANTA:
Well, l guess...
1767
01:14:58,827 --> 01:15:01,037
...this is goodbye, Roldy.
Be a good boy...
1768
01:15:01,205 --> 01:15:02,079
...next year.
1769
01:15:02,247 --> 01:15:03,247
All right.
1770
01:15:03,415 --> 01:15:06,459
No more jerking off into a sock
filled with baby powder.
1771
01:15:06,793 --> 01:15:09,462
-l--
SANTA: Ha, ha. Don't worry.
1772
01:15:09,630 --> 01:15:11,255
l'm just teasing you.
1773
01:15:11,423 --> 01:15:12,757
l do it too.
1774
01:15:12,925 --> 01:15:13,591
[LAUGHS]
1775
01:15:16,261 --> 01:15:21,140
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1776
01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:22,892
l--
1777
01:15:23,769 --> 01:15:25,770
Merry Christmas, Roldy!
1778
01:15:37,074 --> 01:15:38,199
MR. PEREZ:
Where's the tree?
1779
01:15:44,373 --> 01:15:45,122
lt's, um....
1780
01:15:45,791 --> 01:15:47,875
Okay, what happened is that, um....
1781
01:15:48,794 --> 01:15:50,169
You said you were going to...
1782
01:15:50,337 --> 01:15:52,964
...take care of it.
Now where's the tree?
1783
01:15:53,131 --> 01:15:55,633
What happened to the tree is, uh...
1784
01:15:56,593 --> 01:15:58,010
...l kind of burned it down.
1785
01:16:00,013 --> 01:16:01,847
That tree was a Perez...
1786
01:16:02,015 --> 01:16:03,683
...family tradition.
1787
01:16:03,850 --> 01:16:05,810
You ruined Christmas!
1788
01:16:06,103 --> 01:16:08,229
Ha, ha. l ruined your--?
1789
01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:09,897
You ruined my Christmas, man!
1790
01:16:10,357 --> 01:16:12,650
Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?
1791
01:16:12,818 --> 01:16:16,487
Uh, l inadvertently introduced
a baby to cocaine.
1792
01:16:16,655 --> 01:16:20,199
l was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.
1793
01:16:20,367 --> 01:16:21,909
l was drugged by...
1794
01:16:22,077 --> 01:16:25,246
...asshole teenagers. Then l danced
in a Christmas extravaganza.
1795
01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:27,331
And l'm a terrible dancer.
1796
01:16:27,499 --> 01:16:29,041
l almost had my dick ripped off.
1797
01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:30,585
And then l shot...
1798
01:16:30,752 --> 01:16:34,505
...Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and l shot him in the face.
1799
01:16:34,673 --> 01:16:35,423
Why?
1800
01:16:36,508 --> 01:16:37,717
Because l wanted you...
1801
01:16:37,884 --> 01:16:40,553
...to have a perfect
fucking Christmas.
1802
01:16:41,013 --> 01:16:42,513
Now, here's a newsflash:
1803
01:16:42,681 --> 01:16:44,640
This is my house.
1804
01:16:44,808 --> 01:16:46,851
Maria is my wife.
1805
01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:50,021
And if you want to be in our family...
1806
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,857
...you best show me some
fucking respect.
1807
01:16:55,527 --> 01:16:56,736
ls that too much?
1808
01:16:59,281 --> 01:17:00,281
l like it.
1809
01:17:00,449 --> 01:17:01,866
-Really?
-Look.
1810
01:17:02,200 --> 01:17:04,285
l always knew you were a nice guy.
1811
01:17:04,536 --> 01:17:06,912
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.
1812
01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:08,414
l didn't want her to be...
1813
01:17:08,582 --> 01:17:10,207
...with some wimpy pussy.
1814
01:17:11,209 --> 01:17:12,168
But you....
1815
01:17:12,336 --> 01:17:14,170
You showed me you got cojones.
1816
01:17:14,338 --> 01:17:15,212
Testicles, right?
1817
01:17:16,548 --> 01:17:17,548
Rosetta Stone.
1818
01:17:18,884 --> 01:17:20,384
-You know what?
-What's that?
1819
01:17:20,802 --> 01:17:22,261
This coming Easter...
1820
01:17:23,722 --> 01:17:25,473
...you guys come to my house.
1821
01:17:25,682 --> 01:17:28,893
That would really be great.
Thank you, Carlos.
1822
01:17:29,061 --> 01:17:30,978
Mr. Perez.
1823
01:17:31,146 --> 01:17:32,146
[GULPS]
1824
01:17:44,451 --> 01:17:45,618
KUMAR:
Fuck!
1825
01:17:46,703 --> 01:17:47,286
Kumar!
1826
01:17:47,454 --> 01:17:48,412
Jesus!
1827
01:17:48,580 --> 01:17:52,917
l'm sorry. l was gonna use the doorbell
but l didn't want to wake your parents.
1828
01:17:53,085 --> 01:17:55,336
What--? What are you doing?
You can't just--
1829
01:17:55,504 --> 01:17:56,837
Hold on. There's something...
1830
01:17:57,005 --> 01:17:58,422
...l need to say to you, okay?
1831
01:17:58,590 --> 01:18:01,967
When you told me you were pregnant,
l admit l was scared as shit.
1832
01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:04,804
The more l think about it,
the more excited l am.
1833
01:18:05,263 --> 01:18:06,806
l mean, l love kids.
1834
01:18:07,224 --> 01:18:08,766
That's because you are a kid.
1835
01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:12,687
l know. But.... Look, if you
give me another chance...
1836
01:18:12,854 --> 01:18:17,358
...l promise you l will go back to the
medical board, l'll get my job back.
1837
01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,193
l'll even quit weed if l have to.
1838
01:18:19,361 --> 01:18:20,611
You'd quit weed?
1839
01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:23,364
Of course. l would do anything for you.
1840
01:18:23,532 --> 01:18:26,325
When l saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...
1841
01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:28,786
...it made me realize
how important you are to me.
1842
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:31,455
l wish l would've realized that sooner.
1843
01:18:31,832 --> 01:18:33,290
You don't have to do this.
1844
01:18:34,292 --> 01:18:36,001
l know l don't have to.
1845
01:18:36,837 --> 01:18:38,170
l want to.
1846
01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:45,010
Do me a favor.
1847
01:18:45,178 --> 01:18:46,303
Yeah, anything.
1848
01:18:48,807 --> 01:18:50,141
Don't quit weed.
1849
01:18:50,308 --> 01:18:51,559
What?
1850
01:18:51,768 --> 01:18:54,562
Just remember,
next time you take a drug test...
1851
01:18:54,771 --> 01:18:55,896
...use my pee.
1852
01:18:56,898 --> 01:18:58,023
l love you.
1853
01:18:58,483 --> 01:18:59,817
l love you too.
1854
01:19:04,489 --> 01:19:06,907
Let's have some sex
before you get all fat on me.
1855
01:19:07,075 --> 01:19:08,284
[VANESSA CHUCKLlNG]
1856
01:19:22,007 --> 01:19:23,841
MARlA:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
1857
01:19:24,009 --> 01:19:25,926
Harold! Wake up! Baby.
1858
01:19:27,429 --> 01:19:29,597
-lt's pink.
-Oh, my God.
1859
01:19:29,806 --> 01:19:31,932
-lt's pink.
-lt's a miracle.
1860
01:19:32,684 --> 01:19:33,726
lt's a miracle.
1861
01:19:33,894 --> 01:19:34,935
[MR. PEREZ SPEAKS lN SPANlSH]
1862
01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:36,187
MR. PEREZ:
lt's a miracle!
1863
01:19:36,354 --> 01:19:37,605
lt's a miracle!
1864
01:19:38,064 --> 01:19:40,691
lsn't this the most beautiful tree
you've ever seen?
1865
01:19:41,193 --> 01:19:43,235
l came downstairs this morning...
1866
01:19:43,403 --> 01:19:44,862
...and here she was.
1867
01:19:49,201 --> 01:19:50,367
God bless us, everyone!
1868
01:19:51,077 --> 01:19:52,661
[ALL GASP]
1869
01:19:54,539 --> 01:19:56,832
[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]
1870
01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:12,116
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
1871
01:21:12,284 --> 01:21:13,951
[LAUGHS]
|