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00:00:26,174 --> 00:00:28,714
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
2
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* IF I EVER THOUGHT
3
00:00:34,515 --> 00:00:36,715
* I CAN TRACE IT
BACK TO YOU *
4
00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:38,720
* IF I GO OUTSIDE
5
00:00:38,752 --> 00:00:41,522
* I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO FIND YOU *
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00:00:41,555 --> 00:00:44,185
* IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN *
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00:00:44,225 --> 00:00:47,125
* JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN *
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00:00:50,631 --> 00:00:52,801
* IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN *
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00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:55,573
* TRYIN' TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION *
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00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:00,610
* GO TO MY SCREEN
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* ZOOM INTO ME
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* WROTE A POEM
JUST FOR YOU *
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* WON'T RHYME
UNTIL YOU'RE MINE *
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00:01:07,881 --> 00:01:10,321
* IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN *
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00:01:10,351 --> 00:01:13,591
* JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN *
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00:01:16,657 --> 00:01:19,087
* IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN *
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* JUST TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION... *
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Matt: 100 GIRLS...
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AND ONE OF THEM
IS MY TRUE LOVE.
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MY FOREVER SOUL MATE...
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THE BETTY TO MY BARNEY...
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MY KISMETIC DESTINY.
23
00:01:37,311 --> 00:01:39,811
THE PROBLEM IS...
24
00:01:39,847 --> 00:01:41,647
I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.
25
00:01:44,852 --> 00:01:46,592
I WAS LEAVING
A HIGH BALL BASH
26
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IN THE GIRLS' DORM.
27
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Girl: CAN YOU HIT
THE BASEMENT BUTTON, PLEASE?
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00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,567
Matt:
MY BACK WAS TO HER
29
00:02:01,602 --> 00:02:03,802
WHEN THAT AUSPICIOUS
BLACKOUT HIT.
30
00:02:03,837 --> 00:02:05,437
I NEVER GOT
A CHANCE TO SEE HER.
31
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:07,543
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
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00:02:10,911 --> 00:02:12,711
Matt: IT MUST HAVE BEEN
THE CLOAK OF DARKNESS
33
00:02:12,746 --> 00:02:15,676
CONCEALING MY USUAL
ROMANTIC RETARDATION,
34
00:02:15,716 --> 00:02:17,686
BECAUSE THAT NIGHT...
I WAS SMART,
35
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I WAS FUNNY,
I WAS INVINCIBLE.
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Matt: DID YOU EVER
NOTICE IN THAT MOVIE
37
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WILLIE WONKA AND
THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
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THAT THE OOMPA LOOMPAS
NEVER WORE HAIR NETS?
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00:02:25,893 --> 00:02:27,303
Girl: YOU KNOW WHAT
I REALLY HATE?
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THOSE STICKERS THEY STARTED
PUTTING ON APPLES.
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BY THE TIME
YOU PEEL IT OFF,
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YOU DON'T WANT
THE APPLE ANYMORE.
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I SOMETIMES WISH
44
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I COULD JUST CURL UP
WITH A GIRL,
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JUST HOLD
EACH OTHER,
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LIKE THAT PICTURE
OF JOHN LENNON
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00:02:38,506 --> 00:02:39,836
AND YOKO ONO.
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00:02:39,873 --> 00:02:42,843
THAT IS SO SWEET.
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00:02:42,876 --> 00:02:44,906
Matt, Narrating:
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
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OUR TONGUES TANGOED...
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AND OUR HANDS
BEGAN DISPLAYING
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THEIR INCREDIBLE
NIGHT VISION.
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HER LITTLE BREASTS
WERE JUST THE RIGHT SIZE
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TO FILL
A CHAMPAGNE GLASS.
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[GIRL MOANS]
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00:03:10,471 --> 00:03:13,511
[MOANS]
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00:03:19,847 --> 00:03:22,277
Matt: MY IMPRESSIVE
MANHOOD IN MY PANTS
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EXPANDED LIKE
JIFFY POP POPCORN.
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[POPPING]
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00:03:32,493 --> 00:03:34,903
Matt: WE NEVER KNEW
EACH OTHER'S NAMES.
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MAYBE IT WAS
THE MYSTERY OF IT ALL
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THAT MADE IT
SO EXCITING.
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00:03:41,335 --> 00:03:42,895
[CLOCK BELL CHIMING]
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Matt: IN THE MORNING...
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[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
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SHE WAS GONE.
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00:04:00,454 --> 00:04:02,524
I HAD TO FIND HER.
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00:04:02,556 --> 00:04:05,926
I DIDN'T GET MUCH SUPPORT
FROM MY ROOMMATE, ROD.
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00:04:05,959 --> 00:04:09,299
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO BENT
OUT OF SHAPE FOR, MAN?
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00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:10,900
I MEAN...
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00:04:10,931 --> 00:04:12,771
SHE'S JUST A GIRL.
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00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,470
I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED
YOU TO SAY THAT.
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
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00:04:17,405 --> 00:04:18,565
I MEAN,
YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY
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WHO LIKES
THOSE SILHOUETTES
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00:04:19,507 --> 00:04:21,777
OF NAKED WOMEN ON
THE MUD FLAPS OF TRUCKS.
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00:04:21,809 --> 00:04:23,409
YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES
WHILE WATCHING
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00:04:23,444 --> 00:04:25,414
A PORN MOVIE ON
THE PICTURE-IN-PICTURE.
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00:04:25,446 --> 00:04:27,476
YOU REVEL IN THE SIZE
OF YOUR DUMPS.
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00:04:27,515 --> 00:04:28,975
HEY, MATT!
HEH HEH HEH.
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YOU GOTTA CHECK
THIS OUT.
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00:04:30,918 --> 00:04:33,518
YEAH, I DO
DO ALL THOSE THINGS.
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00:04:33,554 --> 00:04:35,794
THIS ISN'T JUST
ANOTHER GIRL, ROD.
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00:04:35,823 --> 00:04:37,863
I MEAN,
I CONNECTED WITH HER.
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BEFORE THIS,
THE LAST INTIMATE ENCOUNTER
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I HAD WITH A WOMAN
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00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:42,404
WAS WHEN I WAS 5 YEARS OLD
IN A SANDBOX.
88
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I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS
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00:04:43,897 --> 00:04:46,467
AND HAD VICKI POUR SAND
ON MY WINKIE.
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00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,470
AT LEAST IT'S BETTER
91
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,301
THAN PLAYING
WITH YOUR SHOVEL, MAN.
92
00:04:49,337 --> 00:04:52,007
EVER SINCE THEN,
I'VE HAD THIS BURNING NEED
93
00:04:52,039 --> 00:04:53,939
FOR A WOMAN. I MEAN,
WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD,
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00:04:53,974 --> 00:04:55,644
I LIKED GETTING
A BONER SO MUCH,
95
00:04:55,676 --> 00:04:57,006
I STUCK MASKING TAPE
ON MY PECKER
96
00:04:57,044 --> 00:04:59,484
SO THAT IT WOULD STAY UP
ALL THE TIME.
97
00:04:59,513 --> 00:05:02,683
I DID THE SAME THING,
BUT I USED DUCT TAPE, MAN.
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00:05:02,716 --> 00:05:05,386
SHUT UP, ALL RIGHT? I'M
TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE.
99
00:05:05,419 --> 00:05:07,789
I'VE NEVER HAD THIS KIND OF
SUCCESS WITH A WOMAN BEFORE.
100
00:05:07,821 --> 00:05:09,861
WHEN I WAS 16,
I TRIED TALKING TO GIRLS.
101
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:10,860
I MEAN,
I HAD TO WRITE MYSELF
102
00:05:10,891 --> 00:05:12,631
CHEAT NOTES ON MY HAND
SO I HAD A LIST OF TOPICS
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00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,430
OF THINGS I COULD TALK
TO THE GIRLS ABOUT.
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00:05:14,462 --> 00:05:15,532
Girl: WHAT'S THAT
ON YOUR HAND?
105
00:05:15,563 --> 00:05:16,863
Matthew: NOTHING.
106
00:05:16,897 --> 00:05:19,067
MY ROMANTIC I.Q. MUST MATCH
MY UNDERWEAR SIZE,
107
00:05:19,099 --> 00:05:21,539
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY SHOWED
THE GIRL MY LIST.
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00:05:21,569 --> 00:05:23,439
IT'S A LIST OF THINGS
I COULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
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00:05:24,738 --> 00:05:26,938
[LAUGHING]
110
00:05:26,974 --> 00:05:28,914
AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE
BIGGEST LOSER OF ALL TIME.
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00:05:28,942 --> 00:05:30,682
YEAH, IT WASN'T
AS BAD AS SENIOR PROM,
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00:05:30,711 --> 00:05:32,081
WHEN I SPENT
$150 ON EMILY,
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00:05:32,112 --> 00:05:34,722
AND DIDN'T EVEN GET
A KISS GOOD NIGHT.
114
00:05:34,748 --> 00:05:36,878
SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW
IMPASSIONED I FEEL NOW
115
00:05:36,917 --> 00:05:38,447
THAT I'VE ACTUALLY MET
THIS GIRL.
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00:05:38,486 --> 00:05:40,416
YOU'RE PATHETIC, MAN.
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00:05:40,454 --> 00:05:41,864
I MEAN, YOU LOSE
YOUR VIRGINITY,
118
00:05:41,889 --> 00:05:42,919
AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET
THE GIRL'S NAME.
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00:05:44,958 --> 00:05:46,528
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
120
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,860
IT'S PENILE POWER, MAN.
121
00:05:48,896 --> 00:05:50,526
I MEAN, I GOT IT
OUT OF AN AD
122
00:05:50,564 --> 00:05:51,904
IN A MAGAZINE,
YOU KNOW?
123
00:05:51,932 --> 00:05:54,072
IT'S GONNA HELP ME INCREASE
MY LENGTH AND GIRTH
124
00:05:54,101 --> 00:05:57,071
ALL JUST BY HANGING WEIGHTS
FROM MY COCK, MAN.
125
00:05:57,104 --> 00:05:59,714
CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
I'M UP TO 5 POUNDS.
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00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:01,840
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE STROKER,
NOT THE POKER, ROD.
127
00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:03,135
HEY, MAN,
I'M DOING THIS FOR ME,
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00:06:03,176 --> 00:06:04,976
AND LIKE I ALWAYS SAY,
YOU KNOW,
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00:06:05,012 --> 00:06:06,382
THE ANGLE
OF THE DANGLE
130
00:06:06,414 --> 00:06:08,024
EQUALS THE CUBIC
OF THE PUBIC.
131
00:06:08,048 --> 00:06:10,478
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
132
00:06:10,518 --> 00:06:13,018
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST LIKE
TO SAY IT, YOU KNOW?
133
00:06:13,053 --> 00:06:14,923
BUT CHECK IT OUT.
THIS PENILE POWER THING?
134
00:06:14,955 --> 00:06:16,615
IT'S GONNA HELP ME,
YOU KNOW,
135
00:06:16,657 --> 00:06:17,987
INCREASE MY LIBIDO,
136
00:06:18,025 --> 00:06:20,085
HELP ME MAINTAIN
A FULL, FIRM ERECTION,
137
00:06:20,127 --> 00:06:21,627
AND IT'S GONNA
HELP ME CONTROL
138
00:06:21,662 --> 00:06:23,762
MY EJACULATION, BABY.
139
00:06:23,797 --> 00:06:26,767
SO I'M GONNA BE
DOIN' IT ALL NIGHT LONG.
140
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,100
AND WHEN DO YOU
START JUNIOR HIGH?
141
00:06:28,135 --> 00:06:30,495
NO, NO, MAN. LOOK,
I'M SERIOUS, IT WORKS.
142
00:06:30,538 --> 00:06:32,668
CHECK THIS OUT.
THIS IS KUNG CHANG, RIGHT?
143
00:06:32,706 --> 00:06:34,506
MASTER OF PENILE POWER.
144
00:06:34,542 --> 00:06:35,442
I MEAN, LOOK IT,
RIGHT THERE.
145
00:06:35,476 --> 00:06:38,446
HE'S LIFTING 500 POUNDS
WITH HIS PENIS, MAN.
146
00:06:38,479 --> 00:06:39,879
GREAT, THAT'S USEFUL. WHAT,
IS HE GONNA ENTER HIMSELF
147
00:06:39,913 --> 00:06:41,553
IN A TRACTOR PULL?
148
00:06:41,582 --> 00:06:43,052
WHATEVER, MAN.
149
00:06:43,083 --> 00:06:46,193
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
ABOUT THIS GIRL, HUH?
150
00:06:46,219 --> 00:06:47,189
UH....
151
00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:48,720
OH, YOU KNOW,
SHE LEFT THESE.
152
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:50,186
OH, HEY, MAN.
LET ME SEE THAT.
153
00:06:50,223 --> 00:06:52,433
[SNIFFING]
154
00:06:54,828 --> 00:06:57,028
NO...
155
00:06:57,064 --> 00:06:59,104
I DON'T RECOGNIZE
THIS ONE.
156
00:06:59,132 --> 00:07:00,672
HEY, GIVE 'EM BACK.
157
00:07:00,701 --> 00:07:02,171
WHOO!
158
00:07:03,637 --> 00:07:04,967
I MEAN, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO, MAN?
159
00:07:05,005 --> 00:07:07,475
YOU GONNA BOIL 'EM TO
MAKE SOUP OR SOMETHING?
160
00:07:07,508 --> 00:07:10,908
I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT
A GIRLFRIEND. JESUS.
161
00:07:10,944 --> 00:07:12,114
[TELEVISION PLAYING MUSIC]
162
00:07:12,145 --> 00:07:14,445
YOU KNOW, AND THEN
THERE'S THE OTHER THING.
163
00:07:14,482 --> 00:07:15,752
YOU'LL BE SPENDING
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT
164
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,953
OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
WATCHING, YOU KNOW,
165
00:07:17,985 --> 00:07:21,185
MOVIES THAT ARE ADAPTED FROM
THE LATEST JANE AUSTEN BOOK.
166
00:07:21,221 --> 00:07:22,761
YOU DON'T WANT THAT, MAN.
167
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,990
THAT'S PRETTY COLD, ROD.
168
00:07:25,025 --> 00:07:26,655
LISTEN, MAN. WHEN IT
COMES TO MEN AND WOMEN,
169
00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:28,834
MEN GET A RAW DEAL,
YOU KNOW?
170
00:07:28,862 --> 00:07:30,632
FOR CENTURIES,
WE'VE BEEN KEELING OVER
171
00:07:30,664 --> 00:07:32,834
10 OR 15 YEARS
BEFORE OUR WIVES,
172
00:07:32,866 --> 00:07:34,666
AND ALL BECAUSE OF ALL
THE STRESS WE INCUR
173
00:07:34,702 --> 00:07:37,072
IN THE WORKPLACE, RIGHT?
174
00:07:37,104 --> 00:07:39,574
BUT NOT ONCE HAVE THEY
APOLOGIZED, MAN,
175
00:07:39,607 --> 00:07:42,507
FOR ALL THE MILLIONS OF
YEARS OF LIFE WE'VE LOST
176
00:07:42,543 --> 00:07:46,213
FOR WORKING WHILE
WOMEN STAYED HOME.
177
00:07:46,246 --> 00:07:47,146
Matthew, narrating:
I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
178
00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:49,550
WHY ROD HATED WOMEN SO MUCH.
179
00:07:49,583 --> 00:07:51,923
I SUSPECTED THAT THERE
WAS SOME GREAT HORROR
180
00:07:51,952 --> 00:07:53,992
IN ROD'S PAST
THAT MADE HIM THIS WAY.
181
00:07:55,523 --> 00:07:57,563
YOU KNOW, MAN,
ALLS YOU GOTTA DO
182
00:07:57,591 --> 00:08:00,861
IS FIND THE MATCHING BRA
TO THOSE PANTIES AND...
183
00:08:00,894 --> 00:08:03,234
BAM! MYSTERY SOLVED.
184
00:08:03,263 --> 00:08:04,703
THAT'S NOT
A HALF-BAD IDEA.
185
00:08:04,732 --> 00:08:07,542
YEAH. HEH.
186
00:08:07,568 --> 00:08:10,998
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET INTO
THAT VIRGIN VAULT, MAN.
187
00:08:11,038 --> 00:08:14,008
THEY DON'T LET BOYS IN
THE GIRLS' SIDE, ALL RIGHT?
188
00:08:14,041 --> 00:08:15,281
NO, THIS'LL WORK.
189
00:08:15,308 --> 00:08:16,838
YOU'RE HIGH, MAN.
190
00:08:16,877 --> 00:08:19,107
ON MY OWN
TESTOSTERONE, MAYBE.
191
00:08:19,146 --> 00:08:20,646
HEY, COME WITH ME,
ALL RIGHT?
192
00:08:25,052 --> 00:08:26,622
HEY...
193
00:08:26,654 --> 00:08:27,864
WHOA...
194
00:08:27,888 --> 00:08:29,218
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
195
00:08:29,256 --> 00:08:31,986
LOOK, ROD, I FOCUSED ALL
MY GREAT CEREBRAL POWERS
196
00:08:32,025 --> 00:08:33,225
TO COME UP WITH
THIS BOLD PLAN
197
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:34,960
TO PENETRATE
THE VAULT, OK?
198
00:08:36,730 --> 00:08:38,830
WHAT ARE YOU,
WILE E. COYOTE,
199
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:40,696
SUPER GENIUS,
OR SOMETHING?
200
00:08:40,734 --> 00:08:41,804
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
201
00:08:43,236 --> 00:08:46,006
WAIT, THE COYOTE NEVER
CAUGHT THE ROADRUNNER, MAN.
202
00:08:46,039 --> 00:08:47,979
[SCREECHING]
203
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,108
AAH!
204
00:08:52,145 --> 00:08:53,775
AAH!
205
00:08:53,814 --> 00:08:55,754
MMM...
206
00:08:58,586 --> 00:09:00,046
MMM...
207
00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:01,047
[GRUNTING]
208
00:09:01,088 --> 00:09:02,618
TAKE THAT!
209
00:09:04,324 --> 00:09:05,764
GOTCHA.
210
00:09:08,328 --> 00:09:11,098
HI, I'M MATT, THE NEW
WORK STUDY MAINTENANCE MAN.
211
00:09:11,131 --> 00:09:13,231
UM, I GOT A CALL
ABOUT SOME RATS?
212
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:14,526
[GIRL SCREAMS]
213
00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:16,999
[DOOR BUZZES]
214
00:09:18,872 --> 00:09:20,742
OH! OH, NO.
215
00:09:20,774 --> 00:09:23,144
MAN IN THE HALL!
216
00:09:23,176 --> 00:09:24,606
Matt: GETTING
MY FEMALE SUSPECTS
217
00:09:24,645 --> 00:09:25,905
TO STEP OUT
OF THEIR ROOMS
218
00:09:25,946 --> 00:09:27,146
WAS AS EASY
AS GIVING AWAY
219
00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:29,920
FREE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS
TO GIRLS.
220
00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:32,720
IT WAS AS IF I AS
A PERVERTED PRINCE CHARMING,
221
00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:34,893
ONLY INSTEAD OF POSSESSING
CINDERELLA'S GLASS SLIPPERS,
222
00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,262
I HAD HER PANTIES.
223
00:09:36,289 --> 00:09:37,829
* I HAD IT
224
00:09:37,858 --> 00:09:39,128
* AND I LOST IT
225
00:09:39,159 --> 00:09:41,159
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
226
00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:42,604
* I HAD IT
227
00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:44,300
* AND I LOST IT
228
00:09:44,331 --> 00:09:46,101
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
229
00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:48,303
* I CAN'T BELIEVE
A WORD SHE SAYS TO ME *
230
00:09:51,304 --> 00:09:52,814
* IT BRINGS ME CLOSER
TO INSANITY *
231
00:09:56,009 --> 00:09:59,909
* WHY CAN'T SHE
JUST UNDERSTAND? *
232
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,047
* THE THINGS SHE SAYS
COULD KILL A MAN *
233
00:10:05,285 --> 00:10:06,215
* I HAD IT
234
00:10:06,253 --> 00:10:07,863
* AND I LOST IT
235
00:10:07,888 --> 00:10:09,988
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
236
00:10:10,023 --> 00:10:11,093
* I HAD IT
237
00:10:11,124 --> 00:10:12,634
* AND I LOST IT
238
00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:14,960
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
239
00:10:26,373 --> 00:10:29,683
Girl: I MISS YOU.
240
00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:31,850
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU
JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS?
241
00:10:31,879 --> 00:10:32,909
Second Girl: GET OFF ME!
242
00:10:32,946 --> 00:10:34,106
PUT YOUR STUPID
STUFF AWAY, OK,
243
00:10:34,147 --> 00:10:35,377
AND GIVE ME
SOME, BABY.
244
00:10:35,415 --> 00:10:37,345
IT'S GONNA BE OK.
COME ON, BABY.
245
00:10:37,384 --> 00:10:39,324
JESUS, CRICK,
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?
246
00:10:39,352 --> 00:10:41,762
PUT THAT STUPID SHIT
AWAY, ALL RIGHT?
247
00:10:41,789 --> 00:10:42,989
CRICK, GET OFF!
248
00:10:43,023 --> 00:10:46,863
LOOK, IT'S TIME YOU GAVE
ME SOME, ALL RIGHT?
249
00:10:46,894 --> 00:10:47,734
JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
250
00:10:48,829 --> 00:10:50,129
OW! YOU STAPLED MY ASS!
251
00:10:50,163 --> 00:10:51,703
OW!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
252
00:10:51,732 --> 00:10:53,102
STOP IT.
253
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:54,973
Matt, narrating:
HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME.
254
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:57,102
I JUST HOPED TO GET IN
A FEW VERBAL PUNCHES
255
00:10:57,137 --> 00:10:58,767
BEFORE HE WENT
MIKE TYSON ON ME.
256
00:10:58,806 --> 00:10:59,766
WHO ARE YOU?
257
00:10:59,807 --> 00:11:00,967
I'M MATTHEW.
258
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,338
AND YOUR NAME'S CRICK,
259
00:11:02,375 --> 00:11:03,975
AS IN UP SHIT'S CRICK
WITHOUT A PADDLE?
260
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,711
I'VE SEEN YOU AROUND.
261
00:11:05,746 --> 00:11:07,176
YOU'RE A NATURAL
BORN HIPSTER.
262
00:11:07,214 --> 00:11:08,454
NATURAL BORN HIPSTER?
263
00:11:08,481 --> 00:11:10,451
YEAH, THE NEXT EVOLUTION
OF A JOCK.
264
00:11:10,483 --> 00:11:11,993
YOU TRADED IN
YOUR LETTERMAN JACKET
265
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:14,989
FOR A MANICURED GOATEE
AND A EUROTRASH PONYTAIL.
266
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:16,362
YOU'RE THE WORST KIND
OF COOL.
267
00:11:16,389 --> 00:11:18,059
YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY
WHO WEARS MALE MAKEUP.
268
00:11:18,091 --> 00:11:19,731
A REAL FASHION PLATE.
269
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,730
YOU'RE LIVING PROOF
THAT THOSE BOY TOY DOOFUSES
270
00:11:21,762 --> 00:11:24,872
IN THOSE MEN'S MAGAZINES
AREN'T ALL RUMP RANGERS.
271
00:11:24,898 --> 00:11:26,168
Matt, narrating:
I WAS A GONER,
272
00:11:26,199 --> 00:11:27,839
BUT BETTER ME THAN HER.
273
00:11:27,868 --> 00:11:29,298
WHAT WAS WORSE,
274
00:11:29,336 --> 00:11:31,296
CRICK WAS HOPPED UP
ON NICOTINE GUM.
275
00:11:31,338 --> 00:11:32,938
A CHAIN CHEWER,
AND HE CHEWED HIS GUM
276
00:11:32,973 --> 00:11:33,813
WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN.
277
00:11:33,841 --> 00:11:35,881
I HATED THAT NOISE.
278
00:11:35,909 --> 00:11:37,139
IT WAS MY KRYPTONITE.
279
00:11:37,177 --> 00:11:39,047
[STOMACH GROWLS]
280
00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:40,709
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
281
00:11:40,748 --> 00:11:42,178
I'M HERE TO SAVE HER.
282
00:11:42,215 --> 00:11:43,445
Crick: SAVE HER?
283
00:11:43,483 --> 00:11:45,293
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
284
00:11:47,287 --> 00:11:48,817
Matt, narrating: CRICK
WASN'T WEARING HIS SHIRT.
285
00:11:48,856 --> 00:11:50,286
HIS NIPPLES
ON HIS CHISELED PECS
286
00:11:50,323 --> 00:11:52,463
STOOD OUT LIKE KNOBS
ON AN OLD TV.
287
00:11:52,492 --> 00:11:54,732
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT POSSESSED ME.
288
00:11:54,762 --> 00:11:57,772
PROBABLY HIS INCESSANT
NICOTINE GUM CHEWING.
289
00:11:59,232 --> 00:12:01,002
BUT MY HANDS REACHED OUT
290
00:12:01,034 --> 00:12:02,474
LIKE THEY WERE DRAWING
TWIN SIX-GUNS.
291
00:12:04,905 --> 00:12:07,105
I GRABBED HIS NIPPLES INTO
A DOUBLE TITTIE-TWISTER.
292
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:09,080
[SCREAMING]
293
00:12:12,345 --> 00:12:13,445
[SQUEAKING]
294
00:12:17,350 --> 00:12:18,390
Matt, narrating:
BUT SOMEHOW,
295
00:12:18,418 --> 00:12:20,248
THROUGH HIS BLUR OF PAIN,
296
00:12:20,287 --> 00:12:21,917
CRICK FOUGHT BACK.
297
00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:24,755
HE GRABBED MY NIPPLES
AND TWISTED.
298
00:12:24,792 --> 00:12:26,392
[SCREAMING]
299
00:12:26,426 --> 00:12:28,496
IT WAS TIT FOR TAT.
300
00:12:28,528 --> 00:12:31,028
SO WE FACED EACH OTHER
301
00:12:31,064 --> 00:12:33,004
LOCKED IN NIPPLE COMBAT,
302
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:34,203
EACH TRYING TO ENDURE
303
00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:36,444
THE WRETCHED PAIN
THE LONGEST...
304
00:12:36,469 --> 00:12:38,969
EACH OF US WAITING
FOR THE OTHER TO BLINK.
305
00:12:40,874 --> 00:12:42,814
[GROWLING]
306
00:12:49,082 --> 00:12:51,252
Matt, narrating: THEN...
307
00:12:51,284 --> 00:12:52,224
I CRACKED.
308
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,233
HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA.
309
00:12:58,258 --> 00:13:00,258
I'LL BE BACK
FOR YOUR ASS!
310
00:13:00,293 --> 00:13:02,233
AND I'LL DEAL
WITH YOU LATER.
311
00:13:02,262 --> 00:13:04,332
[CRICK CHEWING LOUDLY]
312
00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:12,240
HERE, SOME MIDOL.
313
00:13:12,272 --> 00:13:13,542
[LAUGHS]
314
00:13:13,573 --> 00:13:15,483
IT DOES THE TRICK
WHEN MY NIPPLES GET SORE
315
00:13:15,508 --> 00:13:16,538
DURING MY PERIOD.
316
00:13:16,576 --> 00:13:17,976
OH, THANKS.
317
00:13:20,347 --> 00:13:21,277
LET ME SEE.
318
00:13:23,216 --> 00:13:25,186
OH...
319
00:13:25,218 --> 00:13:28,088
THEY'RE ALL BRUISED.
320
00:13:28,121 --> 00:13:30,921
IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE
2 BLACK EYES.
321
00:13:30,958 --> 00:13:32,858
WE SHOULD PUT
SOMETHING COLD ON THEM.
322
00:13:34,461 --> 00:13:35,401
[GASPS]
323
00:13:35,428 --> 00:13:37,258
HEY, YOU'RE
BRUISED, TOO.
324
00:13:37,297 --> 00:13:39,497
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'M USED TO IT.
325
00:13:41,201 --> 00:13:43,141
YOU'RE PATTY, HUH? YOU--
326
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,170
YOU DO THAT COMIC
IN THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
327
00:13:46,606 --> 00:13:47,566
THAT'S ME.
328
00:13:47,607 --> 00:13:49,607
AN ART SCHOOL GIRL, HUH?
329
00:13:49,642 --> 00:13:51,282
OH, IS THAT
WHAT YOU CALL ME?
330
00:13:51,311 --> 00:13:52,311
NO, I...
331
00:13:52,345 --> 00:13:53,845
I WASN'T CALLING YOU
ANYTHING.
332
00:13:53,881 --> 00:13:56,381
IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU WOULD
HAVE CALLED ME A SLUT.
333
00:13:56,416 --> 00:13:58,886
NOW, IN COLLEGE,
YOU CALL ME A GOOD TIME.
334
00:14:06,526 --> 00:14:08,926
YOU LIKE MY SKIRT,
BUT YOU'RE THINKING,
335
00:14:08,962 --> 00:14:10,532
"IF HER SKIRT
WERE ANY SHORTER,
336
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:13,073
"SHE'D HAVE ANOTHER PAIR
OF CHEEKS TO POWDER,
337
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,600
AND HAVE TO PUT GLOSS
ON ANOTHER PAIR OF LIPS."
338
00:14:15,635 --> 00:14:18,365
I--I WASN'T THINKING
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
339
00:14:18,405 --> 00:14:20,365
I THINK YOU'RE
A NICE GIRL.
340
00:14:20,407 --> 00:14:21,607
Matt, narrating:
I WAS LYING.
341
00:14:21,641 --> 00:14:24,141
I DID THINK
ALL THOSE THINGS.
342
00:14:24,177 --> 00:14:25,607
SHE MAY NOT BE PERFECT,
343
00:14:25,645 --> 00:14:29,215
BUT SHE OOZED SEX MORE
THAN A SPONGE CONTRACEPTIVE.
344
00:14:29,249 --> 00:14:31,019
SHE HAD A SKANKY CUTENESS
345
00:14:31,051 --> 00:14:34,891
THAT SET OFF MY HAIR TRIGGER
ERECTILE RESPONSE.
346
00:14:34,922 --> 00:14:37,362
SHE GOT MY PECKER TO STRAIN
LIKE A DOG ON A LEASH.
347
00:14:37,390 --> 00:14:39,330
[BARKING]
348
00:14:53,406 --> 00:14:55,076
WHAT?
349
00:14:55,108 --> 00:14:56,208
WHAT'S WRONG?
350
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:57,483
NOTHING. I'M SORRY.
351
00:14:57,510 --> 00:14:59,180
I'M JUST TRYING
TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER.
352
00:14:59,212 --> 00:15:00,982
NO, I'M ALL BETTER.
353
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:05,650
YOU DON'T LIKE ME.
354
00:15:05,685 --> 00:15:07,045
NO. I--
355
00:15:07,087 --> 00:15:08,357
I LIKE YOU JUST FINE.
356
00:15:08,388 --> 00:15:11,188
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME.
357
00:15:11,224 --> 00:15:13,064
I'VE NEVER
HEARD ANYTHING.
358
00:15:13,093 --> 00:15:15,103
SURE YOU HAVE.
359
00:15:15,128 --> 00:15:17,098
THEY SAY, "IF SHE
STILL HAS A CHERRY,
360
00:15:17,130 --> 00:15:18,370
"IT MUST BE
PUSHED BACK SO FAR,
361
00:15:18,398 --> 00:15:20,268
SHE CAN USE IT
AS A TAIL LIGHT."
362
00:15:20,300 --> 00:15:21,940
I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT.
363
00:15:21,969 --> 00:15:24,099
YES, YOU HAVE.
364
00:15:24,137 --> 00:15:26,307
MY REPUTATION
PRECEDES ME.
365
00:15:26,339 --> 00:15:27,639
IT'S OK.
366
00:15:27,674 --> 00:15:29,544
YOU KNOW, I'M--
I'M ALL FOR...
367
00:15:29,576 --> 00:15:31,336
EXPERIMENTATION.
368
00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:35,953
HEY, WHAT ARE THESE?
369
00:15:35,983 --> 00:15:38,453
ARE THESE, UH,
ARE THESE STRESS BALLS?
370
00:15:38,485 --> 00:15:40,215
YOU KNOW,
TO RELIEVE TENSION?
371
00:15:40,253 --> 00:15:41,593
LIKE, UH,
LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART DID
372
00:15:41,621 --> 00:15:43,261
IN THAT OLD MOVIE.
WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
373
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,590
YOU KNOW,
HE WAS, LIKE, UH,
374
00:15:44,624 --> 00:15:46,594
"THERE'S 3 WAYS TO DO
THINGS ABOARD MY VESSEL.
375
00:15:46,626 --> 00:15:48,256
"THE RIGHT WAY,
THE WRONG WAY,
376
00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:49,595
"AND MY WAY.
IF YOU DO THINGS MY WAY,
377
00:15:49,629 --> 00:15:51,399
WE'LL GET ALONG
JUST FINE."
378
00:15:51,431 --> 00:15:53,701
THOSE ARE
MY BEN WA BALLS.
379
00:15:53,733 --> 00:15:54,733
WHAT?
380
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,397
BEN WA BALLS.
381
00:15:56,436 --> 00:15:58,166
YOU KNOW, I PUT THEM
INSIDE OF ME,
382
00:15:58,205 --> 00:16:00,565
I ROCK MY LEGS,
AND I GET OFF.
383
00:16:00,607 --> 00:16:02,007
REALLY.
384
00:16:03,076 --> 00:16:05,706
OK. I'M SORRY.
385
00:16:05,745 --> 00:16:07,005
I HAVE TO BE GOING.
386
00:16:07,047 --> 00:16:08,617
[BALLS ROLLING]
387
00:16:17,657 --> 00:16:19,227
YO, MATT.
388
00:16:19,259 --> 00:16:20,729
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
389
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,200
PENILE POWER. OH...
390
00:16:23,230 --> 00:16:26,600
IT SEEMS TO BE CAUSING
A LITTLE GROWING PAINS,
391
00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:28,703
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
392
00:16:28,735 --> 00:16:31,665
SO WHAT'S PLAN B,
MR. WILE E. COYOTE?
393
00:16:31,704 --> 00:16:33,474
I'M GONNA CONTINUE SEARCHING
FOR MY MYSTERY GIRL.
394
00:16:33,506 --> 00:16:35,006
EVERY DAY,
BETWEEN GOING TO CLASSES
395
00:16:35,042 --> 00:16:36,282
AND DOING HOMEWORK,
396
00:16:36,309 --> 00:16:38,449
I CREATE A MAINTENANCE
PROBLEM IN THE VIRGIN VAULT.
397
00:16:38,478 --> 00:16:40,008
YOU KNOW, SO THEY HAVE
TO LET ME IN TO FIX IT.
398
00:16:40,047 --> 00:16:41,607
MAN IN THE HALL!
399
00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:48,160
[RINGS]
400
00:16:50,790 --> 00:16:53,560
Matt: ONCE INSIDE,
I JUST FIGURE OUT A WAY
401
00:16:53,593 --> 00:16:54,763
TO GET INTO
THE GIRLS' ROOMS.
402
00:16:54,794 --> 00:16:56,404
HELLO?
403
00:16:56,429 --> 00:16:57,659
HELLO?
404
00:16:57,697 --> 00:16:59,327
HELLO, THIS IS
PHIL GAMBONEY CALLING
405
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,026
FROM K.R.O.K. RADIO.
406
00:17:01,068 --> 00:17:01,828
REALLY?
407
00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:04,138
YOU WON THE MORNING PRIZE,
A NEW CAR.
408
00:17:04,171 --> 00:17:05,141
Matt: YOU SHOULD HAVE
BEEN THERE THE DAY
409
00:17:05,172 --> 00:17:07,312
I TURNED
THE AIR CONDITIONER UP.
410
00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:09,140
MAN, IT WAS A FEAST
FOR THE EYES.
411
00:17:09,176 --> 00:17:10,506
Rod: OH, YEAH.
412
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,620
Matt: AND THERE WAS
CYNTHIA--DESSERT--
413
00:17:16,649 --> 00:17:18,689
THE CRA?ME BRULA‰E
OF WOMANHOOD.
414
00:17:20,287 --> 00:17:24,087
SHE LOOMED AS A TITAN
IN MY MASTURBATORY DREAMS.
415
00:17:24,124 --> 00:17:26,594
CYNTHIA IS
THE PERFECT EXAMPLE
416
00:17:26,626 --> 00:17:28,556
OF THE POWER WOMAN HOLD
OVER MEN.
417
00:17:28,595 --> 00:17:30,725
WE ARE PARALYZED
BY THEIR BEAUTY.
418
00:17:30,763 --> 00:17:32,773
WE ARE RENDERED
SPEECHLESS BY IT.
419
00:17:32,799 --> 00:17:34,599
IF WE'RE LUCKY TO SAY
ANYTHING TO THEM,
420
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:35,804
IT ALL SOUNDS
LIKE GIBBERISH.
421
00:17:35,835 --> 00:17:36,795
YOU'RE MATT,
422
00:17:36,836 --> 00:17:38,206
THE MAINTENANCE GUY,
RIGHT?
423
00:17:38,238 --> 00:17:39,808
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
424
00:17:41,874 --> 00:17:43,844
UM, I NEED SOME HELP
IN MY ROOM.
425
00:17:43,876 --> 00:17:45,706
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
426
00:17:45,745 --> 00:17:48,175
Matt: I MEAN, HOW CAN A GUY
HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION
427
00:17:48,215 --> 00:17:49,515
WITH A GIRL LIKE THIS
428
00:17:49,549 --> 00:17:51,519
WHEN WE'RE MADE
SO HELPLESS?
429
00:17:51,551 --> 00:17:53,221
IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,
430
00:17:53,253 --> 00:17:55,423
WHEN 2 MEMBERS OF A PACK
STARE AT EACH OTHER,
431
00:17:55,455 --> 00:17:57,715
IT IS A TEST
OF DOMINANCE.
432
00:17:57,757 --> 00:18:01,857
THE FIRST ONE TO LOOK AWAY
IS CONSIDERED THE WEAKER.
433
00:18:01,894 --> 00:18:04,704
WHEN THIS HAPPENS
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN,
434
00:18:04,731 --> 00:18:07,101
THE CARDS ARE STACKED
AGAINST A MAN.
435
00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:08,474
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT--
436
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:11,101
EVERY TIME A GUY
MEETS A GIRL,
437
00:18:11,138 --> 00:18:12,708
HE WANTS TO CHECK OUT
HER BREASTS.
438
00:18:14,474 --> 00:18:16,284
A MAN MUST SUMMON
ALL HIS WILL
439
00:18:16,309 --> 00:18:18,649
NOT TO LOOK DOWN
AT THOSE GOLDEN ORBS,
440
00:18:18,678 --> 00:18:20,848
WHOSE WONDROUS TIPS
WERE UPTURNED,
441
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,620
AIMED RIGHT
AT HIS EYES.
442
00:18:33,893 --> 00:18:36,633
BUT ONCE A MAN LOSES
THIS TEST OF NERVES,
443
00:18:36,663 --> 00:18:39,803
A WOMAN KNOWS SHE HAS A
GREAT SECRET POWER OVER HIM,
444
00:18:39,832 --> 00:18:42,402
AND SHE CAN GET HIM TO DO
ANYTHING SHE WANTS.
445
00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:44,165
LIKE A SEXUAL SORCERESS,
446
00:18:44,204 --> 00:18:46,274
CYNTHIA HAD SEVERAL MEN
UNDER HER SPELL.
447
00:18:46,306 --> 00:18:47,766
WELL, YOU CAN USE
MY DESKTOP PC
448
00:18:47,807 --> 00:18:49,237
ANY TIME YOU WANT
ALL SEMESTER.
449
00:18:49,276 --> 00:18:50,676
CYNTHIA, I HAVE
AN EXTRA PIZZA,
450
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:51,810
AND I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANT IT.
451
00:18:51,844 --> 00:18:53,454
WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
I JUST NEED SOME HELP
452
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,280
MOVING SOME FURNITURE,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
453
00:18:55,315 --> 00:18:57,245
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
454
00:18:58,951 --> 00:19:01,221
THANKS FOR GETTING US
MASTERPIECE THEATER.
455
00:19:01,254 --> 00:19:03,324
STRANGE HOW ALL IT WAS
GETTING WAS ESPN.
456
00:19:03,356 --> 00:19:04,886
YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.
457
00:19:04,924 --> 00:19:06,894
ANYBODY FOR A GAME
OF FOOSBALL?
458
00:19:06,926 --> 00:19:08,256
All: NO.
459
00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:09,695
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
460
00:19:10,797 --> 00:19:12,897
HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MAINTENANCE BOY?
461
00:19:14,434 --> 00:19:15,504
COME ON,
YOU WANT TO PLAY?
462
00:19:15,535 --> 00:19:16,495
JUST ONE GAME.
463
00:19:16,536 --> 00:19:17,896
I'M TALKING
ONE GAME HERE...
464
00:19:17,937 --> 00:19:19,737
Matt: IT'S A BAD SIGN
WHEN YOU MEET A GIRL
465
00:19:19,772 --> 00:19:21,242
WHO WEARS NO MAKEUP.
466
00:19:21,274 --> 00:19:24,814
UNFORTUNATELY, I DIDN'T
HEED THE WARNINGS.
467
00:19:24,844 --> 00:19:28,324
ARLENE SUCKERED ME INTO
A GAME OF STRIP FOOSBALL.
468
00:19:28,348 --> 00:19:30,348
THE LOSER OF EACH GOAL
WILL HAVE TO REMOVE
469
00:19:30,383 --> 00:19:32,623
ONE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
470
00:19:32,652 --> 00:19:34,352
PREPARE TO GET NAKED.
471
00:19:39,492 --> 00:19:40,932
Girl: YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
472
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,260
WHOO-HOO!
473
00:19:42,295 --> 00:19:43,655
GOAL!
474
00:19:45,965 --> 00:19:46,725
GOAL!
475
00:19:49,269 --> 00:19:49,839
GOAL!
476
00:19:52,839 --> 00:19:54,209
GOAL!
477
00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:56,938
All: BEAT MATT, BEAT MATT,
478
00:19:56,976 --> 00:19:58,446
BEAT MATT, BEAT MATT,
479
00:19:58,478 --> 00:19:59,648
BEAT--AAH!
480
00:20:02,982 --> 00:20:05,652
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GIRLS
GET SUCH FIENDISH DELIGHT
481
00:20:05,685 --> 00:20:07,245
IN DEFEATING MEN.
482
00:20:07,287 --> 00:20:09,357
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
EMASCULATED OUR WHOLE LIVES.
483
00:20:09,389 --> 00:20:11,259
YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO DISTRACT ME.
484
00:20:11,291 --> 00:20:12,861
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
485
00:20:12,892 --> 00:20:14,232
I MEAN, MY MOM
TAUGHT ME WHO WAS BOSS
486
00:20:14,261 --> 00:20:15,231
WHEN I WAS 5 YEARS OLD
487
00:20:15,262 --> 00:20:18,532
AND SHE STARTED SPANKING
ME WITH A WOODEN SPOON.
488
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,225
HELL, WE'VE BEEN FORCED
INTO SUBMISSIVE ROLES
489
00:20:20,267 --> 00:20:21,697
ALL OUR LIVES.
490
00:20:21,734 --> 00:20:22,774
[ALL WHISPERING]
Beat Matt--
491
00:20:22,802 --> 00:20:24,372
WE MIGHT AS WELL
BE WEARING
492
00:20:24,404 --> 00:20:26,514
THOSE LITTLE
FRENCH MAID OUTFITS.
493
00:20:26,539 --> 00:20:30,709
YOUR DUMB STORIES WILL
NOT THROW ME OFF MY GAME.
494
00:20:30,743 --> 00:20:32,983
I'M TRYING TO MAKE
A POINT HERE, OK?
495
00:20:33,012 --> 00:20:34,512
LET ME TELL YOU.
496
00:20:34,547 --> 00:20:35,877
I HAVE NEVER FELT
MORE MANLY
497
00:20:35,915 --> 00:20:38,015
THAN THE DAY MY MOTHER
BROKE HER WOODEN SPOON
498
00:20:38,050 --> 00:20:39,750
OVER MY GRANITE-HARD
BUTTOCKS.
499
00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:41,746
[GIGGLING]
500
00:20:41,788 --> 00:20:43,718
THE TYRANNY OF
THE WOODEN SPOON WAS OVER,
501
00:20:43,756 --> 00:20:45,626
AND MY ASS CHEEKS
WERE LIBERATED.
502
00:20:45,658 --> 00:20:46,628
UNTIL TODAY.
503
00:20:46,659 --> 00:20:47,989
I'M KICKING YOUR HOLE.
504
00:20:48,027 --> 00:20:49,797
GOAL!
505
00:20:49,829 --> 00:20:50,859
[ALL CHEERING]
506
00:20:57,504 --> 00:20:59,974
Girl: YOU CAN DO IT.
KILL HIM. COME ON, ARLENE.
507
00:21:00,006 --> 00:21:02,006
Matt: MY GREATEST FEAR
WAS BEING REALIZED.
508
00:21:02,041 --> 00:21:04,611
WHAT IF ONE OF THESE GIRLS
IS MY ELEVATOR APHRODITE?
509
00:21:04,644 --> 00:21:06,854
WHAT IF SHE SAW ME
GETTING BEAT BY A GIRL?
510
00:21:08,047 --> 00:21:09,547
IT'S GO TIME.
511
00:21:09,582 --> 00:21:10,622
* YOU'RE A BITCH
512
00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:13,990
* BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY
513
00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:15,860
* OH, YOU CAN'T SING
514
00:21:15,888 --> 00:21:19,788
* BUT YOU STILL
PUT ME TO SLEEP *
515
00:21:19,826 --> 00:21:21,656
* BABY, YOU'RE A BITCH
516
00:21:21,694 --> 00:21:24,734
* HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY *
517
00:21:30,937 --> 00:21:32,437
SCORE!
518
00:21:32,472 --> 00:21:33,412
WHOO!
519
00:21:35,442 --> 00:21:38,012
NOW, I WANT
TO SEE MY TROPHY.
520
00:21:38,044 --> 00:21:39,514
OH, NO.
521
00:21:39,546 --> 00:21:40,946
OH, YES.
522
00:21:43,583 --> 00:21:44,523
[ALL GIGGLING]
523
00:21:57,096 --> 00:21:58,796
[ALL GASPING]
524
00:22:00,867 --> 00:22:03,897
Matt: THANK GOD I TURNED
THE THERMOSTAT UP THAT DAY.
525
00:22:03,936 --> 00:22:06,066
OTHERWISE, MY MANHOOD
WOULD HAVE RECOILED
526
00:22:06,105 --> 00:22:08,805
LIKE A TURTLE HEAD
HIDING IN ITS SHELL...
527
00:22:08,841 --> 00:22:10,981
INSTEAD OF HANGING OUT
LIKE AN ANACONDA
528
00:22:11,010 --> 00:22:12,880
WAITING FOR A REMATCH.
529
00:22:18,885 --> 00:22:21,015
OH, OOH...
530
00:22:24,391 --> 00:22:26,461
[ALL GASPING]
531
00:22:26,493 --> 00:22:28,803
Rod: OH, MAN,
YOU LOST TO A GIRL?
532
00:22:28,828 --> 00:22:30,628
YEAH,
AND MY PRIDE SHRANK
533
00:22:30,663 --> 00:22:33,003
LIKE MY SCROTUM
ON A SNOW DAY.
534
00:22:33,032 --> 00:22:35,972
SPEAKING OF SCROTUM,
I THINK I CAN, YOU KNOW,
535
00:22:36,002 --> 00:22:38,572
ADD ON ANOTHER WEIGHT.
HEH HEH.
536
00:22:38,605 --> 00:22:39,765
[GRUNTING]
537
00:22:42,675 --> 00:22:44,535
I'M UP
TO 10 POUNDS, BABY.
538
00:22:44,577 --> 00:22:46,377
HEH HEH.
539
00:22:46,413 --> 00:22:47,613
WHOO...
540
00:22:47,647 --> 00:22:48,947
[MOANING]
541
00:22:48,981 --> 00:22:52,391
YOU KNOW, I WONDER
WHY GOD EQUIPPED WOMEN
542
00:22:52,419 --> 00:22:54,719
WITH ALL THE WEAPONS
FOR SEDUCTION.
543
00:22:54,754 --> 00:22:56,594
Rod: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
544
00:22:56,623 --> 00:23:00,493
WELL, TAKE THE BREAST
FOR EXAMPLE.
545
00:23:00,527 --> 00:23:02,527
YOU HAVE THE BOSOM,
546
00:23:02,562 --> 00:23:04,862
THE AREOLA,
547
00:23:04,897 --> 00:23:06,067
THE NIPPLE.
548
00:23:06,098 --> 00:23:08,568
I MEAN, THOSE ARE
3 CONCENTRIC CIRCLES.
549
00:23:08,601 --> 00:23:09,901
IN OTHER WORDS,
550
00:23:09,936 --> 00:23:12,766
IT'S A BULL'S-EYE.
551
00:23:12,805 --> 00:23:15,635
IT'S NO WONDER THE BREAST
IS THE TARGET FOR ALL MEN.
552
00:23:15,675 --> 00:23:18,675
WOW, THAT'S PROFOUND.
553
00:23:18,711 --> 00:23:20,711
AND MEN ARE GROTESQUE.
554
00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:22,717
I'M NOT--I'M NOT
JUST TALKING ABOUT, UH,
555
00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:24,579
THE LITTLE HABITS
WE HAVE
556
00:23:24,617 --> 00:23:27,017
LIKE CLEANING OUR EARS
WITH OUR CAR KEYS.
557
00:23:27,053 --> 00:23:28,893
I MEAN, WE'RE
GROTESQUE TO THE CORE.
558
00:23:28,921 --> 00:23:30,661
I MEAN,
LOOK AT THE PENIS.
559
00:23:30,690 --> 00:23:31,690
THE PENIS--
IT JUST LOOKS LIKE
560
00:23:31,724 --> 00:23:32,934
GOD HAD
SOME LEFTOVER SKIN
561
00:23:32,959 --> 00:23:33,729
WHEN HE WAS
MAKING THE ELBOW,
562
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,160
AND DECIDED TO SLAP IT
IN OUR GROIN--
563
00:23:35,194 --> 00:23:36,604
HEY, MAN,
GET THAT OUT OF HERE.
564
00:23:36,629 --> 00:23:39,029
IT FREAKS ME OUT, OK?
565
00:23:39,065 --> 00:23:40,425
I MEAN, THE PENIS--
566
00:23:40,467 --> 00:23:41,697
IT'S THE FIRST TO SHRIVEL
WHEN IT'S COLD,
567
00:23:41,734 --> 00:23:43,644
IT'S THE FIRST
TO SHRINK IN FEAR.
568
00:23:43,670 --> 00:23:46,010
THE PENIS IS A COWARD.
569
00:23:46,038 --> 00:23:48,778
IT'S A COWARDLY FLAP
OF LEFTOVER ELBOW FLESH.
570
00:23:48,808 --> 00:23:50,078
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T
THINK THAT WAY
571
00:23:50,109 --> 00:23:53,609
IF YOU HAD A LITTLE OF
MY PENILE POWER, BABY.
572
00:23:58,117 --> 00:23:59,087
Matt: I SCREWED UP
THE AIR CONDITIONING
573
00:23:59,118 --> 00:24:01,788
IN THE VIRGIN VAULT
AGAIN TODAY.
574
00:24:01,821 --> 00:24:02,821
THIS TIME,
IT'S TOO HOT,
575
00:24:02,855 --> 00:24:05,115
SO THE GIRLS HAVE TO STRIP
DOWN TO NEXT TO NOTHING.
576
00:24:07,193 --> 00:24:09,903
I SHOULD BE GETTING A CALL
ANY TIME NOW TO FIX IT.
577
00:24:14,567 --> 00:24:16,237
DO YOU HAVE
ANY SUSPECTS YET?
578
00:24:16,268 --> 00:24:17,968
NO, THERE'S
TOO MANY CHOICES.
579
00:24:18,004 --> 00:24:20,014
THEIR DORM IS A WOMEN'S
SAMPLER OF WOMEN.
580
00:24:20,039 --> 00:24:21,209
YEAH...
581
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,010
A VIRTUAL POTPOURRI
OF PUSSY.
582
00:24:24,577 --> 00:24:26,247
YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE
THAN JUST SEX, ROD.
583
00:24:26,278 --> 00:24:29,018
I MEAN, THOSE WOMEN
HAVE DISTINCT PERSONALITIES.
584
00:24:29,048 --> 00:24:30,648
I MEAN, LOOK OVER THERE.
585
00:24:30,683 --> 00:24:31,983
YOU SEE THAT GIRL?
YEAH.
586
00:24:32,018 --> 00:24:34,618
I CALL HER
EVER TAN BARBARA.
587
00:24:34,654 --> 00:24:36,624
HEY, WHO'S THE GIRL WITH
THE MAGIC MARKERS UP THERE?
588
00:24:36,656 --> 00:24:38,656
OH, THAT'S RENE.
589
00:24:38,691 --> 00:24:41,791
SHE WRITES CHEAT NOTES
ON HER BREASTS.
590
00:24:41,828 --> 00:24:43,198
YOU SEE NEXT DOOR?
591
00:24:43,229 --> 00:24:44,659
THAT'S SASHA.
592
00:24:44,697 --> 00:24:46,827
SHE'S TOTALLY INTO PURPLE.
593
00:24:46,866 --> 00:24:48,996
OH, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GIRL
AT THE FRONT DESK, RHONDA?
594
00:24:49,035 --> 00:24:50,795
SHE COULD BE
REALLY CUTE,
595
00:24:50,837 --> 00:24:51,867
EXCEPT SHE HAS
THIS NERVOUS HABIT
596
00:24:51,904 --> 00:24:53,574
OF PICKING
HER EYEBROWS.
597
00:24:53,606 --> 00:24:55,006
OH, YEAH.
NICE FROM AFAR,
598
00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:57,041
BUT FAR FROM NICE.
599
00:24:57,076 --> 00:24:58,236
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WERE RIGHT.
600
00:24:58,277 --> 00:24:59,977
THERE ARE GIRLS THAT
WATCH JANE AUSTEN MOVIES
601
00:25:00,012 --> 00:25:01,612
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT.
602
00:25:01,648 --> 00:25:02,618
YOU KNOW,
THE LITERARY WORLD
603
00:25:02,649 --> 00:25:03,879
HAS A TERM
FOR THOSE FANATICS.
604
00:25:03,916 --> 00:25:06,186
THEY'RE CALLED
"JANE-ITES."
605
00:25:06,218 --> 00:25:07,818
OH, MY GOSH. LET'S
WATCH IT TONIGHT.
606
00:25:07,854 --> 00:25:08,994
I'LL MAKE
THE POPCORN.
607
00:25:09,021 --> 00:25:09,991
OH!
608
00:25:10,022 --> 00:25:11,862
OH, THERE'S
THIS GIRL, PENNY.
609
00:25:11,891 --> 00:25:13,261
HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
SHE'S ALWAYS ON THE PHONE,
610
00:25:13,292 --> 00:25:15,632
CRYING WITH HER
LONG DISTANCE BOYFRIEND.
611
00:25:15,662 --> 00:25:17,062
HE ALWAYS WANTS
TO BREAK UP WITH HER.
612
00:25:17,096 --> 00:25:18,966
SHE'S ON THE SAME FLOOR
AS MAUREEN.
613
00:25:18,998 --> 00:25:21,068
MAUREEN HAS A DIFFERENT
HAIRSTYLE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
614
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:23,870
Rod: YEAH, I'VE
SEEN HER AROUND.
615
00:25:23,903 --> 00:25:25,203
WHOA!
616
00:25:25,237 --> 00:25:27,007
W-WHO'S THAT GIRL WITH
THE GREEN SLIME, MAN?
617
00:25:27,039 --> 00:25:28,209
YOU FOUND DANA.
618
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,740
YEAH, SHE'S ON
AN ALL-ALGAE DIET.
619
00:25:29,776 --> 00:25:30,976
Rod: OH...
620
00:25:31,010 --> 00:25:32,880
HEY, WHO'S
THE HUMMER ON 3?
621
00:25:32,912 --> 00:25:34,152
OH, THAT'S MICHELLE.
622
00:25:34,180 --> 00:25:35,820
SHE SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND
OF BUDDHIST MONK,
623
00:25:35,848 --> 00:25:36,818
DON'T YOU THINK?
624
00:25:36,849 --> 00:25:37,819
[LAUGHS]
625
00:25:37,850 --> 00:25:39,120
HEY, SO, UM...
626
00:25:39,151 --> 00:25:41,321
YOU GOT ANY MORE
SUSPICIOUS SUSPECTS YET?
627
00:25:41,353 --> 00:25:43,763
I HAVE THAT ONE GIRL WHO
NEVER COMES OUT OF HER ROOM.
628
00:25:43,790 --> 00:25:46,130
SEE, I STAKED OUT HER ROOM
AND I LISTENED.
629
00:25:46,158 --> 00:25:48,328
I JUST HEARD A LITTLE BIT
OF RUSTLING, THAT'S IT.
630
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,160
I BET YOU THAT'S
YOUR MYSTERY WOMAN.
631
00:25:54,100 --> 00:25:56,000
HURRY UP,
THE MOVIE'S AT 7:30.
632
00:25:56,035 --> 00:25:57,265
I CAN'T LOCK THE DOOR.
633
00:25:57,303 --> 00:25:58,273
FORGET ABOUT IT.
634
00:25:58,304 --> 00:25:59,274
WE'RE GONNA MISS
THE TRAILER
635
00:25:59,305 --> 00:26:00,235
FOR NORTHENDER ABBY.
636
00:26:02,074 --> 00:26:03,314
Matthew narrating:
SATURDAY NIGHTS
637
00:26:03,342 --> 00:26:05,082
WERE THE BEST FOR SNEAKING
INTO GIRLS ROOMS.
638
00:26:05,111 --> 00:26:06,751
ALL THE GIRLS WENT
OUT ON DATES
639
00:26:06,779 --> 00:26:08,309
OR HOME FOR THE WEEKEND.
640
00:26:08,347 --> 00:26:10,247
AND THEIR DORM WAS
PRACTICALLY EMPTY.
641
00:26:10,282 --> 00:26:12,352
EXCEPT FOR DORA.
642
00:26:12,384 --> 00:26:15,094
SHE NEVER HAD ANYWHERE
TO GO ON SATURDAY NIGHT.
643
00:26:15,121 --> 00:26:17,791
I DID HAVE TO ADMIT
THAT I'D SEEN CUTER GIRLS
644
00:26:17,824 --> 00:26:19,234
IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.
645
00:26:19,258 --> 00:26:20,758
I MEAN, SHE'S
THE KIND OF GIRL
646
00:26:20,793 --> 00:26:22,263
ABOUT WHOM ROD WOULD SAY:
647
00:26:22,294 --> 00:26:23,334
I WOULDN'T
EVEN SCREW HER
648
00:26:23,362 --> 00:26:25,902
WITH YOUR DICK,
MAN. HEH HEH.
649
00:26:25,932 --> 00:26:28,032
BUT I FELT FOR HER.
650
00:26:28,067 --> 00:26:29,737
[RESPIRATOR
BREATHING NOISE]
651
00:26:29,769 --> 00:26:31,039
WHEN YOU'RE NOT
GOOD LOOKING,
652
00:26:31,070 --> 00:26:32,770
YOU BECOME A FAILURE
BY DEFAULT.
653
00:26:32,805 --> 00:26:36,075
PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE
YOU HAVE THE EBOLA VIRUS.
654
00:26:36,108 --> 00:26:37,378
THEY DON'T WANNA
GET NEAR YOU
655
00:26:37,409 --> 00:26:38,809
BECAUSE THEY THINK
WHAT YOU HAVE
656
00:26:38,845 --> 00:26:40,605
MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS.
657
00:26:40,647 --> 00:26:44,117
IT'S CRUEL.
658
00:26:44,150 --> 00:26:45,720
THIS WOMEN'S
STUDIES CLASS
659
00:26:45,752 --> 00:26:47,322
IS GONNA BE
A BREEZE.
660
00:26:47,353 --> 00:26:51,193
YEAH, WE GET TO CHECK OUT
ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS.
661
00:26:51,223 --> 00:26:52,193
HEH HEH.
662
00:26:52,224 --> 00:26:53,994
OH.
663
00:26:54,026 --> 00:26:55,826
I THINK WE MADE A
REALLY BIG MISTAKE.
664
00:26:55,862 --> 00:26:57,362
TODAY, CLASS,
665
00:26:57,396 --> 00:27:00,766
WE ARE GONNA STUDY
PATRIARCHAL INFRASTRUCTURES
666
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,900
THAT EXERCISE GENDER-BASED
DISCRIMINATION.
667
00:27:02,935 --> 00:27:04,935
WHO CAN GIVE ME EXAMPLES?
668
00:27:04,971 --> 00:27:07,941
THE POPE WON'T
ALLOW WOMEN PRIESTS.
669
00:27:07,974 --> 00:27:10,214
AND HOW COME IT'S OK
FOR A MAN TO BE PROMISCUOUS,
670
00:27:10,242 --> 00:27:12,852
BUT WHEN A WOMAN DOES IT
SHE'S CALLED A SLUT?
671
00:27:12,879 --> 00:27:14,749
WHY IS IT CALLED
"HIS STORY"
672
00:27:14,781 --> 00:27:17,181
INSTEAD
OF "HER STORY"?
673
00:27:17,216 --> 00:27:19,286
WHY ARE WOMEN'S SHOES
ALWAYS SO UNCOMFORTABLE?
674
00:27:19,318 --> 00:27:20,988
AND IT'S OK FOR AN OLDER MAN
TO GO OUT WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN,
675
00:27:21,020 --> 00:27:22,820
BUT IT'S NOT OK
FOR AN OLDER WOMAN
676
00:27:22,855 --> 00:27:24,155
TO GO OUT
WITH A YOUNGER MAN.
677
00:27:24,190 --> 00:27:25,290
VERY GOOD.
678
00:27:25,324 --> 00:27:26,664
WOULD THE BOYS...
679
00:27:26,693 --> 00:27:28,093
IN THE BACK...
680
00:27:28,127 --> 00:27:29,727
WOULD YOU CARE
TO CONTRIBUTE?
681
00:27:32,431 --> 00:27:35,331
YOU ENROLLED IN MY CLASS
TO MEET GIRLS, DIDN'T YOU?
682
00:27:35,367 --> 00:27:38,267
THERE'S A COUPLE OF YOU
EVERY SEMESTER.
683
00:27:38,304 --> 00:27:40,744
NONE OF YOU EVER LAST.
684
00:27:40,773 --> 00:27:41,613
Matthew narrating: GREAT.
685
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,980
I NEED TO MAINTAIN
AT LEAST A 3.75 G.P.A
686
00:27:45,011 --> 00:27:46,681
TO KEEP MY SCHOLARSHIP.
687
00:27:46,713 --> 00:27:49,153
NOW ILSA,
688
00:27:49,181 --> 00:27:51,221
SHE WOLF OF THE SS
IS GONNA MAKE ME LOSE IT.
689
00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:53,420
I WILL ENJOY TEACHING
YOU BOYS A LESSON.
690
00:27:53,452 --> 00:27:54,392
[CRACK]
691
00:28:01,761 --> 00:28:04,431
Matt: ONE SATURDAY,
I GOT CARELESS.
692
00:28:11,971 --> 00:28:13,941
DISASTER STRUCK
693
00:28:13,973 --> 00:28:16,383
MOMENTS AFTER I HAD TO
DRAIN MY MAIN VEIN.
694
00:28:16,408 --> 00:28:18,378
[TOILET FLUSHES]
695
00:28:18,410 --> 00:28:20,150
[RUNNING WATER]
696
00:28:26,819 --> 00:28:29,019
Matt: WOMEN HAVE
A SIXTH SENSE.
697
00:28:29,055 --> 00:28:31,315
THEY KNOW WHEN
SOMETHING IS AMISS.
698
00:28:31,357 --> 00:28:34,887
THEY SEE THINGS THAT GO
UNDETECTED TO A MAN'S EYE.
699
00:28:38,130 --> 00:28:40,470
WITH JUST
THE SLIGHTEST DETAIL,
700
00:28:40,499 --> 00:28:42,329
SHE KNEW THAT
A MALE PRESENCE
701
00:28:42,368 --> 00:28:43,438
HAD BEEN IN THE ROOM...
702
00:28:45,404 --> 00:28:48,744
AND I WAS SUCH A FOOL.
703
00:28:48,775 --> 00:28:52,205
I'D LEFT BEHIND THE MOST
DAMNING PIECE OF EVIDENCE.
704
00:29:20,539 --> 00:29:23,979
BUT THIS GIRL
WAS A FORENSIC PRO.
705
00:29:24,010 --> 00:29:25,210
SHE COULD HAVE BEEN
TRAINED BY MY MOTHER.
706
00:29:29,281 --> 00:29:31,451
MY EYES! AAH,
MY EYES! MY EYES!
707
00:29:31,483 --> 00:29:32,553
AAH!
708
00:29:32,584 --> 00:29:34,554
MATTHEW?
709
00:29:34,586 --> 00:29:36,786
HUH?
710
00:29:36,823 --> 00:29:39,163
IT'S ME, WENDY,
FROM 11th GRADE TRIG?
711
00:29:39,191 --> 00:29:41,131
REMEMBER, WE ALL
SAT IN THE BACK
712
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,100
'CAUSE MR. PERIALIS
HAD SUCH BAD BREATH?
713
00:29:43,129 --> 00:29:45,529
YEAH. HI.
714
00:29:45,564 --> 00:29:47,934
HI.
715
00:29:47,967 --> 00:29:50,897
SERIOUSLY, I'M LOOKING
FOR THIS GIRL.
716
00:29:50,937 --> 00:29:52,037
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
717
00:29:52,071 --> 00:29:53,441
YOU CAN CHECK
IN MY RIGHT POCKET.
718
00:29:53,472 --> 00:29:54,542
I HAVE HER PANTIES
IN THERE.
719
00:29:54,573 --> 00:29:55,573
I BELIEVE YOU.
720
00:29:55,607 --> 00:29:56,577
SO, YOU'RE
GONNA CHECK
721
00:29:56,608 --> 00:29:58,078
EVERY GIRL
IN THE BUILDING?
722
00:29:58,110 --> 00:30:00,880
IF I CAN EVER SEE AGAIN.
723
00:30:00,913 --> 00:30:03,383
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.
724
00:30:03,415 --> 00:30:04,575
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL HELP YOU.
725
00:30:04,616 --> 00:30:05,576
YEAH?
726
00:30:05,617 --> 00:30:08,247
I'M A SUCKER
FOR MATCHMAKING.
727
00:30:08,287 --> 00:30:11,087
COO COO, COO!
728
00:30:12,391 --> 00:30:14,291
I WANTED TO
LET YOU KNOW,
729
00:30:14,326 --> 00:30:15,286
WE'RE GONNA BE
DOING
730
00:30:15,327 --> 00:30:16,457
THE LIGHTS
TODAY, OK?
731
00:30:16,495 --> 00:30:18,095
YEAH.
THANKS.
732
00:30:24,971 --> 00:30:27,471
CA-CAW, CA-CAW.
733
00:30:27,506 --> 00:30:28,976
[WENDY CLEARS HER THROAT]
734
00:30:29,008 --> 00:30:31,838
HEY, I JUST WANTED
TO LET YOU KNOW
735
00:30:31,878 --> 00:30:33,178
THAT I THINK YOUR HAIR
LOOKS REALLY CUTE,
736
00:30:33,212 --> 00:30:34,182
AND THAT'S ALL.
737
00:30:34,213 --> 00:30:35,413
OK, THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.
738
00:30:35,447 --> 00:30:37,247
OK. HEH.
739
00:30:40,352 --> 00:30:42,892
Matt: WITH THE HELP OF MY
FAITHFUL COMPANION WENDY,
740
00:30:42,922 --> 00:30:44,962
I FOUND A MATCH.
741
00:30:44,991 --> 00:30:46,231
I WAITED IMPATIENTLY
742
00:30:46,258 --> 00:30:48,358
FOR MY MYSTERY MAIDEN
TO RETURN.
743
00:30:48,394 --> 00:30:51,404
IT WAS HOURS.
744
00:30:51,430 --> 00:30:54,900
FINALLY, MY ROMANTIC
QUEST WAS REWARDED.
745
00:30:54,934 --> 00:30:55,634
SHE WAS A GODDESS...
746
00:30:55,667 --> 00:30:57,237
OH, MY GOD.
747
00:30:57,269 --> 00:30:58,599
MORE THAN I COULD HAVE EVER
POSSIBLY HAVE HOPED FOR.
748
00:30:58,637 --> 00:30:59,607
I'VE BEEN WAITING
SO LONG HERE,
749
00:30:59,638 --> 00:31:00,568
WAITING FOR YOU.
750
00:31:00,606 --> 00:31:02,006
I'VE BEEN WAITING
SO LONG
751
00:31:02,041 --> 00:31:03,581
BECAUSE I'M THE GUY
FROM THE ELEVATOR.
752
00:31:03,609 --> 00:31:04,679
Matt: I WAS
CORRUPT WITH HAPPINESS.
753
00:31:04,710 --> 00:31:07,350
I IMMEDIATELY DECLARED THE
ENTIRE JAMBALAYA OF FEELINGS
754
00:31:07,379 --> 00:31:08,649
I HAD HAD FOR HER.
755
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,350
I THINK EVEN THE WORD
"LOVE" WAS USED.
756
00:31:11,383 --> 00:31:13,353
I LOVE YOU.
757
00:31:13,385 --> 00:31:15,485
SHE KEPT ME
FROZEN IN SUSPENSE
758
00:31:15,521 --> 00:31:17,491
AS I WAITED
FOR A RESPONSE.
759
00:31:21,260 --> 00:31:25,030
NEEDLESS TO SAY,
MY SPIRITS CRASHED
760
00:31:25,064 --> 00:31:26,674
LIKE SOME
KARMIC HINDENBERG.
761
00:31:26,698 --> 00:31:28,598
Newscaster: YOU MUST AGREE
THAT THIS IS TERRIBLE.
762
00:31:28,634 --> 00:31:30,544
THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST
CATASTROPHES IN THE WORLD.
763
00:31:30,569 --> 00:31:31,999
HELL ON EARTH!
764
00:31:32,038 --> 00:31:34,008
GOD! OH, THE HUMANITY!
765
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,180
I CAN'T TALK,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
766
00:31:37,643 --> 00:31:39,553
* HEY, BROTHER,
WHAT'S WRONG? *
767
00:31:39,578 --> 00:31:40,548
* I'M AGGRAVATED
768
00:31:40,579 --> 00:31:42,649
Rod: STOP SULKING, MAN.
769
00:31:42,681 --> 00:31:44,051
DON'T YOU GET IT?
770
00:31:44,083 --> 00:31:45,483
WOMEN ARE
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.
771
00:31:45,517 --> 00:31:47,387
GREAT. HERE WE GO AGAIN.
772
00:31:47,419 --> 00:31:48,689
Rod: HEAR ME OUT, MAN.
773
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:51,060
WOMEN COMPLAIN THAT
ALL MEN WANT THEIR GIRLS
774
00:31:51,090 --> 00:31:53,690
TO LOOK LIKE CENTERFOLD
HOTTIES OR SOMETHING,
775
00:31:53,725 --> 00:31:54,685
AND IT MAKES THEM ANGRY
776
00:31:54,726 --> 00:31:55,686
THAT THEY
HAVE TO LIVE UP
777
00:31:55,727 --> 00:31:58,097
TO THIS
IMPOSSIBLE EXPECTATION.
778
00:31:58,130 --> 00:31:59,670
BUT WHAT ABOUT
US GUYS, RIGHT?
779
00:31:59,698 --> 00:32:01,598
I MEAN, WE HAVE TO LIVE
WITH THE DISAPPOINTMENT
780
00:32:01,633 --> 00:32:02,403
THAT OUR WOMEN
781
00:32:02,434 --> 00:32:03,344
WON'T LOOK LIKE
CENTERFOLD HOTTIES.
782
00:32:03,369 --> 00:32:06,509
THEY EVER TAKE THAT
INTO CONSIDERATION? NO.
783
00:32:06,538 --> 00:32:08,008
I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN
CONDITIONED TO EXPECT
784
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,010
SOMETHING
THAT WE'RE NEVER,
785
00:32:09,041 --> 00:32:10,481
EVER, EVER GONNA GET.
786
00:32:10,509 --> 00:32:13,379
AND WHAT'S WORSE IS, MEN
AGE BETTER THAN WOMEN.
787
00:32:13,412 --> 00:32:14,312
I MEAN,
WHILE WE'RE GETTING
788
00:32:14,346 --> 00:32:15,676
BETTER LOOKING
OVER TIME,
789
00:32:15,714 --> 00:32:18,154
WE GET STUCK WITH WOMEN
WHO START GETTING
790
00:32:18,184 --> 00:32:19,624
SAGGY TITS
AND START WEARING THOSE
791
00:32:19,651 --> 00:32:22,091
BATHING SUITS THAT COVER
THEIR BELLY BUTTONS.
792
00:32:22,121 --> 00:32:24,721
AND THEN THEY GET THOSE
SHORT, ASEXUAL HAIRCUTS
793
00:32:24,756 --> 00:32:26,126
AND THEIR
THUNDER THIGHS--UHH!
794
00:32:26,158 --> 00:32:27,528
MAKING LOVE TO A WOMAN
TURNS A MAN
795
00:32:27,559 --> 00:32:29,029
INTO A CELLULITE SURFER.
796
00:32:29,061 --> 00:32:30,231
I MEAN, WHO GETS
797
00:32:30,262 --> 00:32:31,102
THE BETTER END
OF THE DEAL, HUH?
798
00:32:31,130 --> 00:32:33,230
Matt: I WONDER WHAT
PROM-NIGHT SUCCUBUS
799
00:32:33,265 --> 00:32:34,625
OR SECOND-DATE SIREN
800
00:32:34,666 --> 00:32:37,366
HAD INSTILLED HIM WITH
SUCH ZEALOUS MISOGYNY.
801
00:32:38,537 --> 00:32:40,667
HEY, DO YOU
BELIEVE IT, MAN?
802
00:32:40,706 --> 00:32:41,666
I'VE GAINED
A HALF AN INCH
803
00:32:41,707 --> 00:32:42,737
SINCE I STARTED
USING THIS THING.
804
00:32:42,774 --> 00:32:44,414
HEY, MAN.
805
00:32:44,443 --> 00:32:46,313
WHERE DO YOU START
YOUR MEASUREMENT
806
00:32:46,345 --> 00:32:47,545
WHEN YOU, YOU KNOW,
807
00:32:47,579 --> 00:32:48,649
WHEN YOU MEASURE
YOUR DICK, MAN?
808
00:32:51,050 --> 00:32:53,150
Matt: ALL RIGHT.
I ADMIT IT.
809
00:32:53,185 --> 00:32:54,745
I HAVE MEASURED MY DICK.
810
00:32:54,786 --> 00:32:56,316
WE ALL HAVE.
811
00:32:56,355 --> 00:32:58,685
BUT THE EVOLVED MAN
THAT I WAS,
812
00:32:58,724 --> 00:33:00,464
I DIDN'T WANT TO DIGNIFY
ROD WITH AN ANSWER.
813
00:33:00,492 --> 00:33:02,762
IN YOUR CASE,
FROM THE NECK UP.
814
00:33:02,794 --> 00:33:04,664
SCREW YOU, MAN.
815
00:33:04,696 --> 00:33:07,726
SO, HEY,
WHAT YOU READING?
816
00:33:07,766 --> 00:33:09,166
Matt: I WAS JUST
CHECKING TO MAKE SURE
817
00:33:09,201 --> 00:33:10,371
THE PAPER PRINTED MY AD.
818
00:33:10,402 --> 00:33:11,572
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
NO CLUE ANYMORE
819
00:33:11,603 --> 00:33:13,473
HOW TO FIND
MY BLACKOUT KNOCKOUT,
820
00:33:13,505 --> 00:33:14,465
YOU KNOW, SO EVERY WEEK,
821
00:33:14,506 --> 00:33:15,736
I'VE BEEN TAKING OUT
A PERSONAL AD
822
00:33:15,774 --> 00:33:17,144
IN THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER,
823
00:33:17,176 --> 00:33:18,336
TELLING MY MYSTERY GIRL
824
00:33:18,377 --> 00:33:19,477
THAT I'LL BE WAITING
EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT
825
00:33:19,511 --> 00:33:22,081
IN THE BASEMENT
OF VIRGINOFF HALL,
826
00:33:22,114 --> 00:33:23,784
YOU KNOW,
SO IN COMPLETE DARKNESS,
827
00:33:23,815 --> 00:33:25,745
WE CAN RENEW
OUR RELATIONSHIP
828
00:33:25,784 --> 00:33:28,754
UNTIL BOTH OF US DECIDE
TO REVEAL OUR IDENTITIES.
829
00:33:28,787 --> 00:33:31,387
YOU SIT IN THE DARK
EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT?
830
00:33:31,423 --> 00:33:33,233
HA HA HA!
831
00:33:33,259 --> 00:33:35,389
YOU'RE A SICKO, MAN.
832
00:33:35,427 --> 00:33:36,557
YOU'RE--YOU'RE A FREAK.
833
00:33:36,595 --> 00:33:38,795
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
834
00:33:38,830 --> 00:33:41,500
ALL RIGHT, MAN.
TAKE IT EASY,
835
00:33:41,533 --> 00:33:45,073
AND IF SHE'S EASY,
TAKE HER TWICE. HA HA!
836
00:33:45,104 --> 00:33:48,474
Matt: MY WHOLE OPERATION
WAS A ROMANTIC BAY OF PIGS.
837
00:33:48,507 --> 00:33:51,077
I'D ALREADY SPENT SEVERAL
THURSDAY NIGHTS IN THE DARK,
838
00:33:51,110 --> 00:33:52,610
AND SHE HAD YET TO SHOW UP.
839
00:33:52,644 --> 00:33:54,754
[DOOR OPENS]
840
00:33:54,780 --> 00:33:56,180
HELLO?
841
00:33:56,215 --> 00:33:57,545
HEY.
842
00:33:59,318 --> 00:34:02,248
IT'S ME. WENDY?
843
00:34:02,288 --> 00:34:05,158
OH. HEY.
844
00:34:05,191 --> 00:34:07,391
SHE DIDN'T COME,
DID SHE?
845
00:34:07,426 --> 00:34:10,356
NO. HOW'D YOU KNOW
I WAS DOWN HERE?
846
00:34:10,396 --> 00:34:12,626
I READ YOUR PERSONAL AD.
847
00:34:12,664 --> 00:34:14,304
IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.
848
00:34:14,333 --> 00:34:15,773
SHE'S PROBABLY
NOT GONNA SHOW,
849
00:34:15,801 --> 00:34:17,701
BUT I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT WANT SOME DINNER.
850
00:34:17,736 --> 00:34:20,106
YOU KNOW, COMFORT FOOD?
851
00:34:20,139 --> 00:34:22,669
Matt: WENDY WAS THE
A?BERGIRL NEXT DOOR,
852
00:34:22,708 --> 00:34:25,508
A TESTAMENT TO WHY WOMEN
ARE SOCIETY'S CHEERLEADERS.
853
00:34:25,544 --> 00:34:27,684
EVERYTHING SHE DID
WAS PERFECT.
854
00:34:27,713 --> 00:34:31,283
SHE WAS AROUSING IN
THAT VIRGINAL "MARY ANN,
855
00:34:31,317 --> 00:34:33,687
NOT GINGER" SORT OF WAY.
856
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:35,719
THIS KIND OF GIRL
IS SCARY.
857
00:34:35,754 --> 00:34:39,094
SHE'S THE KIND OF GIRL
YOU TAKE HOME TO MOM,
858
00:34:39,125 --> 00:34:40,325
AND, EVEN SCARIER,
859
00:34:40,359 --> 00:34:42,389
SHE'S THE KIND OF GIRL
YOU MARRY,
860
00:34:42,428 --> 00:34:43,598
AND SHE BECOMES YOUR MOM.
861
00:34:43,629 --> 00:34:45,729
SHE DRESSES YOU,
FEEDS YOU,
862
00:34:45,764 --> 00:34:47,104
LEAVES NOTES
ON TOILET SEATS
863
00:34:47,133 --> 00:34:49,173
TELLING YOU WHAT CHORES
NEED TO BE DONE.
864
00:34:49,201 --> 00:34:50,601
SHE'S SCARY
865
00:34:50,636 --> 00:34:52,766
BECAUSE YOU COULD JUST SEE
YOURSELF FALLING FOR HER,
866
00:34:52,804 --> 00:34:54,474
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
867
00:34:54,506 --> 00:34:56,276
USUALLY IF YOU
FALL FOR HER,
868
00:34:56,308 --> 00:34:59,348
YOU'RE SETTLING FOR
JUST THE AVERAGE.
869
00:34:59,378 --> 00:35:01,208
WHAT?
870
00:35:01,247 --> 00:35:03,647
YOU'RE JUST SO PERFECT.
871
00:35:03,682 --> 00:35:05,782
I HATE IT WHEN
PEOPLE SAY THAT.
872
00:35:05,817 --> 00:35:07,547
I DON'T WANT
TO BE PERFECT.
873
00:35:13,225 --> 00:35:16,855
SO, MY DAD HAD POLIO
WHEN HE WAS A KID,
874
00:35:16,895 --> 00:35:20,295
AND HE HAD THIS
REALLY BAD LEG,
875
00:35:20,332 --> 00:35:22,232
AND WHENEVER HE WALKED,
876
00:35:22,268 --> 00:35:25,638
IT MADE
THIS CREEPY, LIKE,
877
00:35:25,671 --> 00:35:28,571
THUMP-THUMPING NOISE,
878
00:35:28,607 --> 00:35:31,177
AND JUST SUPER CREEPY.
879
00:35:31,210 --> 00:35:34,410
I REMEMBER HIM
COMING HOME FROM WORK
880
00:35:34,446 --> 00:35:36,676
AND WALKING DOWN
THE LONG HALLWAY
881
00:35:36,715 --> 00:35:38,645
TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT,
882
00:35:38,684 --> 00:35:41,424
AND I WAS JUST SCARED
883
00:35:41,453 --> 00:35:43,863
BECAUSE ALL I COULD HEAR
WAS THE THUMPING,
884
00:35:43,889 --> 00:35:45,289
YOU KNOW,
885
00:35:45,324 --> 00:35:47,764
AND SO I HID
UNDER MY COVERS.
886
00:35:47,793 --> 00:35:49,833
ISN'T THAT SAD
887
00:35:49,861 --> 00:35:52,201
TO BE SO AFRAID
OF YOUR FATHER?
888
00:35:52,231 --> 00:35:55,901
YOU KNOW, I WAS REALLY
SCARED OF THE WIZARD OF OZ.
889
00:35:55,934 --> 00:35:57,704
YOU KNOW,
THAT MARGARET HAMILTON
890
00:35:57,736 --> 00:36:01,536
AS THE WICKED WITCH WAS JUST
SO HAIR-RAISING, YOU KNOW?
891
00:36:01,573 --> 00:36:02,743
AND THAT MUSIC?
YOU KNOW--
892
00:36:02,774 --> 00:36:03,744
* DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-NAH-NAH
893
00:36:03,775 --> 00:36:04,735
* DUN-DUN-DUN DUN-NAH-NAH
894
00:36:04,776 --> 00:36:08,206
THAT SCARED ME SO MUCH.
895
00:36:08,247 --> 00:36:09,377
I'D GET SO SCARED, I WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT NIGHT
896
00:36:09,415 --> 00:36:11,375
'CAUSE IT GOT STUCK
IN MY HEAD, YOU KNOW?
897
00:36:11,417 --> 00:36:12,377
YOU KNOW, SO SOMETIMES,
898
00:36:12,418 --> 00:36:13,818
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
TO CALM MYSELF?
899
00:36:13,852 --> 00:36:16,722
I REMEMBER THAT DOROTHY
KILLED THE WITCH
900
00:36:16,755 --> 00:36:18,285
BUT PUTTING WATER
ON HER, RIGHT?
901
00:36:18,324 --> 00:36:19,764
SO, I'D LIE IN BED,
902
00:36:19,791 --> 00:36:21,891
AND I'D WORK UP
THIS BIG WAD OF SPIT,
903
00:36:21,927 --> 00:36:24,827
YOU KNOW, LIKE--
[WORKS UP SPIT]
904
00:36:24,863 --> 00:36:28,473
AND I KNEW IF THE WITCH
CAME TO GET ME,
905
00:36:28,500 --> 00:36:30,500
I'D JUST SPIT ON HER,
906
00:36:30,536 --> 00:36:32,696
YOU KNOW, AND SHE'D MELT.
907
00:36:32,738 --> 00:36:35,338
I JUST TOLD YOU
A REALLY SAD STORY
908
00:36:35,374 --> 00:36:36,544
ABOUT MY FAMILY,
909
00:36:36,575 --> 00:36:38,435
AND THAT'S
ALL YOU CAN SAY?
910
00:36:38,477 --> 00:36:40,547
I'M SORRY.
911
00:36:40,579 --> 00:36:42,809
I'M TRAGICALLY GLIB.
912
00:36:42,848 --> 00:36:44,948
Matt: MEN HAVE THIS
ANTI-INTIMACY FORCE FIELD
913
00:36:44,983 --> 00:36:46,653
AROUND THEM
THAT IS POWERED
914
00:36:46,685 --> 00:36:49,355
BY SARCASM,
HUMOR, AND AVERSION.
915
00:36:49,388 --> 00:36:50,658
WHY IS THAT?
916
00:36:52,691 --> 00:36:56,261
THE FORCE IS STRONG
WITH THIS ONE.
917
00:36:56,295 --> 00:36:58,655
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
A MAN CAN FALL IN LOVE
918
00:36:58,697 --> 00:37:00,697
WITH A DIFFERENT GIRL
EVERY DAY.
919
00:37:00,732 --> 00:37:01,872
MAYBE THIS IS
JUST NATURE'S WAY
920
00:37:01,900 --> 00:37:03,670
OF PROTECTING A MAN
FROM HIMSELF.
921
00:37:09,375 --> 00:37:10,335
HOW DO YOU FEEL
922
00:37:10,376 --> 00:37:12,376
ABOUT THE NAME
"FRANCESCA"?
923
00:37:12,411 --> 00:37:13,781
DID YOU KNOW
THAT MUSLIM MEN
924
00:37:13,812 --> 00:37:15,312
SHAVE THEIR PUBIC HAIRS?
925
00:37:15,347 --> 00:37:17,247
I MEAN, NO WONDER
SO MANY OF THEM
926
00:37:17,283 --> 00:37:18,453
BECOME TERRORISTS.
927
00:37:18,484 --> 00:37:19,624
OW!
928
00:37:19,651 --> 00:37:21,721
OW, I CAN'T BREATHE!
929
00:37:21,753 --> 00:37:24,763
OW! OW! I CAN'T SEE!
930
00:37:24,790 --> 00:37:27,430
FASCINATING.
931
00:37:27,459 --> 00:37:29,299
CAN YOU BLAME GUYS
FOR BEING SO HORNY?
932
00:37:29,328 --> 00:37:30,158
I MEAN,
LOOK AT THE DRESS.
933
00:37:30,195 --> 00:37:33,465
IT'S JUST ONE BIG SYMBOL
FOR EASY ACCESS.
934
00:37:33,499 --> 00:37:35,869
* AT LEAST NOT YET
935
00:37:35,901 --> 00:37:36,941
* BUT TODAY'S THE DAY
936
00:37:36,968 --> 00:37:38,038
HAVE YOU EVER CALCULATED
937
00:37:38,069 --> 00:37:39,769
HOW MANY HOURS
WOMEN HAVE WASTED
938
00:37:39,805 --> 00:37:41,735
DECIDING WHAT KIND
OF SHOES TO WEAR?
939
00:37:41,773 --> 00:37:44,543
* MY HEART GOES VA-VOOM
940
00:37:44,576 --> 00:37:47,376
* VA-VA-VA VOOM
941
00:37:47,413 --> 00:37:48,383
* VA-VA-VA VOOM
942
00:37:48,414 --> 00:37:50,054
FOXY LADY!
943
00:37:50,081 --> 00:37:52,721
TRUST ME, THESE GIRLS
WILL GET DRUNK.
944
00:37:52,751 --> 00:37:53,991
THEY DO IT
EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT,
945
00:37:54,019 --> 00:37:55,489
AND THEY TALK
ABOUT EVERYTHING
946
00:37:55,521 --> 00:37:56,921
ONCE THEY'RE PLASTERED,
947
00:37:56,955 --> 00:37:59,555
SO, AS FRANCESCA,
TRY TO COAX ONE OF THEM
948
00:37:59,591 --> 00:38:01,431
TO REVEAL THAT SHE HAD
SEX ON AN ELEVATOR
949
00:38:01,460 --> 00:38:02,430
IN A BLACKOUT.
950
00:38:02,461 --> 00:38:03,431
[LAUGHTER]
951
00:38:03,462 --> 00:38:04,802
HI.
952
00:38:04,830 --> 00:38:07,730
OK, DID I EVER
TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME
953
00:38:07,766 --> 00:38:09,436
THAT I GOT
A BLOODY NOSE
954
00:38:09,468 --> 00:38:11,068
WHILE GIVING HEAD?
955
00:38:11,102 --> 00:38:12,672
[LAUGHTER]
956
00:38:12,704 --> 00:38:16,484
ONCE, I GOT MY GUM STUCK
IN THE GUY'S PUBES
957
00:38:16,508 --> 00:38:17,738
WHILE GIVING A BLOW JOB.
958
00:38:17,776 --> 00:38:19,076
[LAUGHTER]
959
00:38:19,110 --> 00:38:21,350
I'VE GOT YOU ALL BEAT.
960
00:38:21,380 --> 00:38:23,520
ONE TIME WHEN I WAS
JUST ABOUT TO SWALLOW,
961
00:38:23,549 --> 00:38:26,589
DEREK MADE ME LAUGH, AND
IT CAME ALL OUT MY NOSE.
962
00:38:26,618 --> 00:38:27,818
[LAUGHTER]
963
00:38:27,853 --> 00:38:31,063
GIRLS ARE WAY
GROSSER THAN GUYS.
964
00:38:31,089 --> 00:38:33,689
I HAD A FRIEND WHO HAD SEX
IN AN ELEVATOR ONCE.
965
00:38:33,725 --> 00:38:35,055
HAVE ANY OF YOU
EVER TRIED THAT?
966
00:38:35,093 --> 00:38:36,063
NO.
NO.
967
00:38:36,094 --> 00:38:37,804
Girl: I HAVEN'T,
968
00:38:37,829 --> 00:38:38,599
BUT I ONCE
HAD A BOYFRIEND
969
00:38:38,630 --> 00:38:40,830
WHO LIKED TO RUB IT
BETWEEN MY TOES
970
00:38:40,866 --> 00:38:41,996
THEN HE BLAMED ME
971
00:38:42,033 --> 00:38:43,973
WHEN HE GOT ATHLETE'S
FOOT ON HIS DOINK.
972
00:38:44,002 --> 00:38:45,742
[LAUGHTER]
973
00:38:52,444 --> 00:38:55,354
FRANCESCA'S NIGHT
WAS A MAJOR BUST.
974
00:38:55,381 --> 00:38:56,521
I STUNK.
975
00:38:56,548 --> 00:38:58,548
YEAH, WELL,
976
00:38:58,584 --> 00:39:00,854
MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO TRY
SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?
977
00:39:00,886 --> 00:39:03,616
INSTEAD OF HOPING
FOR HARD EVIDENCE
978
00:39:03,655 --> 00:39:05,515
IN YOUR ROMANTIC SUSPECT,
979
00:39:05,557 --> 00:39:08,057
MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST
GET TO KNOW THESE GIRLS.
980
00:39:08,093 --> 00:39:10,933
YOU MIGHT GET A VIBE
AS TO WHICH ONE SHE IS.
981
00:39:10,962 --> 00:39:12,532
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DO NEED TO DO
982
00:39:12,564 --> 00:39:13,874
SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN AVOIDING.
983
00:39:13,899 --> 00:39:16,639
I NEED TO LOWER MY
ANTI-INTIMACY SHIELD.
984
00:39:16,668 --> 00:39:17,968
IF YOU HAD A CHOICE,
985
00:39:18,003 --> 00:39:20,673
WOULD YOU RATHER BE
WARM OR SMART?
986
00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:22,136
HELLO?
987
00:39:22,173 --> 00:39:25,043
SO, WHY IS BIRD DOO PURPLE?
988
00:39:25,076 --> 00:39:27,946
ISN'T AMERICAN CHEESE
APPROPRIATELY NAMED?
989
00:39:27,979 --> 00:39:29,449
YOU KNOW, IT'S FAKE
AND PROCESSED,
990
00:39:29,481 --> 00:39:30,621
JUST LIKE AMERICA.
991
00:39:30,649 --> 00:39:32,579
TELL ME SOMETHING.
992
00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:36,150
WHO'S THE IDIOT
993
00:39:36,187 --> 00:39:38,517
WHO INVENTED THE
BUTTON-DOWN FLY, HUH?
994
00:39:38,557 --> 00:39:39,557
THERE ARE THESE DOGS
995
00:39:39,591 --> 00:39:41,431
THAT CAN SNIFF OUT
MELANOMA IN HUMANS
996
00:39:41,460 --> 00:39:43,030
BEFORE IT'S EVEN DIAGNOSED.
997
00:39:43,061 --> 00:39:43,961
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED
998
00:39:43,995 --> 00:39:45,995
THAT THEY ONLY GIVE
HURRICANES WASP-Y NAMES
999
00:39:46,031 --> 00:39:47,571
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
HURRICANE ANDREW?
1000
00:39:47,599 --> 00:39:49,169
YOU NEVER HEAR
"HURRICANE GUISEPPE"
1001
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,740
OR "HURRICANE MOHAMMED,"
DO YOU?
1002
00:39:51,770 --> 00:39:52,740
WHAT COMPELS OLDER PEOPLE
1003
00:39:52,771 --> 00:39:55,441
TO PULL THEIR PANTS UP
OVER THEIR BELLY BUTTONS?
1004
00:39:55,474 --> 00:39:58,444
WHY IN GOLF IS IT GOOD
TO SHOOT UNDER PAR,
1005
00:39:58,477 --> 00:40:01,447
BUT A SUB-PAR PERFORMANCE
IN ANYTHING ELSE IS BAD?
1006
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:03,520
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST
PHRASE IN THE WORLD IS?
1007
00:40:03,549 --> 00:40:06,149
"I'M READY FOR ANYTHING."
1008
00:40:06,184 --> 00:40:09,154
OK.
1009
00:40:09,187 --> 00:40:11,417
I CAN'T SPEAK
TO CYNTHIA AS MATT.
1010
00:40:11,457 --> 00:40:13,157
I START SPEAKING GIBBERISH,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
1011
00:40:13,191 --> 00:40:15,661
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
1012
00:40:15,694 --> 00:40:18,164
BUT I HAVE A SILVER TONGUE
WITH HER WHEN I'M FRANCESCA.
1013
00:40:18,196 --> 00:40:19,196
HEY, DON'T KNOCK 'EM.
1014
00:40:19,230 --> 00:40:21,170
THESE THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO
GET RID OF CELLULITE.
1015
00:40:21,199 --> 00:40:23,539
COME ON.
1016
00:40:23,569 --> 00:40:25,469
HEY, CAN I
ASK YOU A QUESTION?
1017
00:40:25,504 --> 00:40:26,474
YEAH.
1018
00:40:26,505 --> 00:40:28,705
HOW OFTEN
DO YOU BIKINI WAX?
1019
00:40:28,740 --> 00:40:30,640
UM, EVERY DAY.
1020
00:40:30,676 --> 00:40:32,536
WHOO! NOW,
THAT WAS A FANATIC.
1021
00:40:32,578 --> 00:40:33,678
HEH HEH!
1022
00:40:33,712 --> 00:40:35,512
HEY! HEY, CYNTHIA!
1023
00:40:35,547 --> 00:40:37,177
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S HIM. OK, LOOK.
1024
00:40:37,215 --> 00:40:38,715
HE CANNOT SEE ME
WITH THESE PANTS
1025
00:40:38,750 --> 00:40:39,920
AND NO MAKEUP. LET'S GO.
1026
00:40:39,951 --> 00:40:41,551
CYNTHIA, WAIT!
WAIT--WAIT A SEC.
1027
00:40:41,587 --> 00:40:43,217
I GOT YOUR TERM PAPER!
1028
00:40:43,254 --> 00:40:44,964
I EVEN GOT ONE
OF THOSE PLASTIC COVERS
1029
00:40:44,990 --> 00:40:45,760
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!
1030
00:40:45,791 --> 00:40:48,461
OK. HOLD ON A SEC.
I'LL COME TO YOU.
1031
00:40:48,494 --> 00:40:49,464
COME ON!
1032
00:40:49,495 --> 00:40:51,495
Sam: I'M COMING, CYNTHIA!
1033
00:40:51,530 --> 00:40:52,600
COME ON.
1034
00:40:52,631 --> 00:40:55,031
CYNTHIA! CYNTHIA!
1035
00:40:55,066 --> 00:40:57,066
SO, WHAT WAS
THE BIG DEAL?
1036
00:40:57,102 --> 00:40:58,842
I'M NOT STUPID.
1037
00:40:58,870 --> 00:41:00,170
I KNOW
I GOT THINGS EASY.
1038
00:41:00,205 --> 00:41:01,935
GUYS'LL PRETTY MUCH
DO ANYTHING FOR ME
1039
00:41:01,973 --> 00:41:03,543
BECAUSE OF
THE WAY I LOOK.
1040
00:41:03,575 --> 00:41:04,775
I KNOW THAT.
1041
00:41:04,810 --> 00:41:07,810
AND IF SAM
SAW ME IN THIS,
1042
00:41:07,846 --> 00:41:11,116
I MIGHT LOSE
MY EDGE WITH HIM.
1043
00:41:11,149 --> 00:41:13,589
KIND OF LIKE IF THE GREEN
LANTERN LOST HIS POWER RING.
1044
00:41:13,619 --> 00:41:14,589
WHO?
1045
00:41:14,620 --> 00:41:15,790
NEVER MIND.
1046
00:41:15,821 --> 00:41:17,121
YOU'RE LUCKY.
1047
00:41:17,155 --> 00:41:18,115
NO, I'M NOT.
1048
00:41:18,156 --> 00:41:19,016
YEAH. I THINK
IT'D BE GREAT
1049
00:41:19,057 --> 00:41:20,927
IF GUYS ALWAYS WANTED
TO DO THINGS FOR ME.
1050
00:41:20,959 --> 00:41:22,559
NO. IT'S A CURSE.
1051
00:41:22,594 --> 00:41:24,034
BECAUSE, SEE,
1052
00:41:24,062 --> 00:41:25,862
NOTHING'S
A CHALLENGE FOR ME.
1053
00:41:25,897 --> 00:41:27,727
EVERYTHING'S MADE EASY,
1054
00:41:27,766 --> 00:41:29,096
AND IF I EVER ACTUALLY
1055
00:41:29,134 --> 00:41:30,544
DO DO SOMETHING
ON MY OWN,
1056
00:41:30,569 --> 00:41:32,499
THAT EVERYONE ASSUMES
THAT, YOU KNOW,
1057
00:41:32,538 --> 00:41:34,138
I GOT THERE BECAUSE
OF THE WAY I LOOK.
1058
00:41:34,172 --> 00:41:35,672
IT SUCKS.
1059
00:41:35,707 --> 00:41:38,107
SO, READY TO GO AGAIN?
1060
00:41:38,143 --> 00:41:39,683
YEAH. OK.
1061
00:41:42,247 --> 00:41:43,747
UHH!
1062
00:41:43,782 --> 00:41:45,022
WHOO!
1063
00:41:45,050 --> 00:41:47,120
IT'S JUST EASIER
TO TALK TO CYNTHIA
1064
00:41:47,152 --> 00:41:48,722
AS A GIRL
THAN AS A GUY.
1065
00:41:48,754 --> 00:41:49,994
THERE'S JUST
NOTHING AT STAKE.
1066
00:41:50,021 --> 00:41:51,221
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
1067
00:41:51,256 --> 00:41:52,216
WHEN YOU'RE A GUY
1068
00:41:52,257 --> 00:41:53,827
TALKING TO A GIRL
LIKE CYNTHIA,
1069
00:41:53,859 --> 00:41:55,829
YOU'RE GOING FOR
ALL THE MARBLES.
1070
00:41:55,861 --> 00:41:58,501
I MEAN, SHE'S THE
SUPER BOWL OF WOMEN...
1071
00:42:01,567 --> 00:42:04,667
AND YOU KNOW,
IF YOU SCREW UP,
1072
00:42:04,703 --> 00:42:05,473
AND SHE REJECTS YOU,
1073
00:42:05,503 --> 00:42:06,773
THEN EVERY OTHER GIRL
AFTER CYNTHIA
1074
00:42:06,805 --> 00:42:07,935
IS GONNA SEEM
LIKE A COMPROMISE...
1075
00:42:12,844 --> 00:42:15,184
AND YOU JUST KNOW
YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH
1076
00:42:15,213 --> 00:42:16,723
TO GET A GIRL LIKE HER.
1077
00:42:21,653 --> 00:42:25,193
THAT'S WHY I DON'T TALK
TO GIRLS IN HER LEAGUE.
1078
00:42:25,223 --> 00:42:27,033
I JUST DON'T
WANT TO KNOW
1079
00:42:27,058 --> 00:42:28,228
THAT I'VE CRASHED
AND BURNED
1080
00:42:28,259 --> 00:42:29,559
AND WON'T EVER
GET THE OPPORTUNITY
1081
00:42:29,595 --> 00:42:30,695
TO PUT
HER SUPER BOWL RING
1082
00:42:30,729 --> 00:42:32,029
AROUND MY
ELEVENTH FINGER.
1083
00:42:32,063 --> 00:42:33,573
[AMUSED LAUGH]
1084
00:42:39,705 --> 00:42:40,905
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
1085
00:42:40,939 --> 00:42:43,579
NOTHING.
1086
00:42:43,609 --> 00:42:45,779
IT'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING.
1087
00:42:45,811 --> 00:42:47,681
WHY ARE YOU
TALKING TO ME?
1088
00:42:47,713 --> 00:42:48,883
I DON'T KNOW.
1089
00:42:48,914 --> 00:42:50,154
IT'S JUST
QUIET AROUND HERE.
1090
00:42:50,181 --> 00:42:51,881
I'M MATTHEW.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1091
00:42:51,917 --> 00:42:54,187
GHOST-FACE.
1092
00:42:54,219 --> 00:42:56,289
WHAT?
1093
00:42:56,321 --> 00:42:58,061
YEAH. IT'S WHAT THEY
CALLED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.
1094
00:42:58,089 --> 00:42:59,659
I'M SORRY.
1095
00:42:59,691 --> 00:43:01,331
IT'S OK.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
1096
00:43:01,359 --> 00:43:02,889
IT'S BETTER
THAN BEING CALLED
1097
00:43:02,928 --> 00:43:05,198
"THE POSTER CHILD
FOR ABORTION"
1098
00:43:05,230 --> 00:43:07,130
OR "THE GIRL WITH
THE VERTICAL SMILE."
1099
00:43:07,165 --> 00:43:09,125
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE FRIENDLY.
1100
00:43:09,167 --> 00:43:11,597
OH. WELL.
1101
00:43:11,637 --> 00:43:12,937
Matt: MAYBE SHE COULD TELL
1102
00:43:12,971 --> 00:43:15,271
I STILL THOUGHT
SHE WAS CONTAGIOUS.
1103
00:43:15,306 --> 00:43:17,606
MEN WANT TO BE QUARANTINED
FROM UNATTRACTIVE GIRLS.
1104
00:43:17,643 --> 00:43:20,353
WE PUT SO MUCH EMPHASIS
ON PHYSICAL BEAUTY
1105
00:43:20,378 --> 00:43:22,278
THAT WE'RE AFRAID
TO BE INFECTED
1106
00:43:22,313 --> 00:43:24,153
BY ONE OF THESE GIRL'S
INNER BEAUTY.
1107
00:43:24,182 --> 00:43:26,722
LET'S NOT
HAVE A PITY PARTY.
1108
00:43:26,752 --> 00:43:29,052
NOW, PLEASE,
YOU'RE BLOCKING MY LIGHT.
1109
00:43:35,226 --> 00:43:36,956
THANKS FOR
GETTING US
1110
00:43:36,995 --> 00:43:38,355
THE LIFETIME
CHANNEL, MATTHEW.
1111
00:43:38,396 --> 00:43:39,866
YEAH. THANKS, MATT.
1112
00:43:39,898 --> 00:43:40,668
IT'S NO PROBLEM.
1113
00:43:40,699 --> 00:43:41,869
JUST DON'T TELL ANYONE
I PIRATED IT.
1114
00:43:41,900 --> 00:43:43,870
IT'S A FELONY.
1115
00:43:43,902 --> 00:43:46,712
ANYBODY UP FOR
A GAME OF FOOSBALL?
1116
00:43:46,738 --> 00:43:47,968
HOW ABOUT YOU, MATT?
1117
00:43:48,006 --> 00:43:49,406
OR ARE YOU CHICKEN?
1118
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,210
[CLUCKING]
[CLUCKING]
1119
00:43:53,712 --> 00:43:55,782
Matt: OUR GRUDGE MATCH
ESCALATED
1120
00:43:55,814 --> 00:43:57,324
INTO A COLD WAR OF WORDS.
1121
00:43:57,348 --> 00:43:58,348
GIRLS ARE JUST USERS.
1122
00:43:58,383 --> 00:43:59,353
I MEAN, LOOK AT
1123
00:43:59,384 --> 00:44:00,924
THE PRAYING MANTIS,
FOR INSTANCE.
1124
00:44:00,952 --> 00:44:02,392
AFTER THEY'RE FINISHED
DOING THE NASTY,
1125
00:44:02,420 --> 00:44:04,320
THE FEMALE EATS THE HEAD
OF HER MALE MATE.
1126
00:44:04,355 --> 00:44:06,315
I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED
A REMARK LIKE THAT
1127
00:44:06,357 --> 00:44:08,927
FROM SOMEONE WHO THINKS A CAR
IS AN EXTENSION OF HIS PENIS.
1128
00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:10,000
AND A PURSE
IS AN EXTENSION
1129
00:44:10,028 --> 00:44:11,428
OF A WOMAN'S VAGINA.
1130
00:44:11,462 --> 00:44:12,762
SCORE!
1131
00:44:12,798 --> 00:44:14,428
UHH!
1132
00:44:14,465 --> 00:44:17,895
WELL, AT LEAST WE AREN'T
FILTHY PIGS LIKE MEN.
1133
00:44:17,936 --> 00:44:19,806
WE'RE ALWAYS
PICKING UP AFTER YOU.
1134
00:44:19,838 --> 00:44:21,038
WHY ARE YOU GETTING
SO WORKED UP?
1135
00:44:21,072 --> 00:44:22,772
ARE YOU PMSing
AND QUITTING SMOKING
1136
00:44:22,808 --> 00:44:23,978
ALL AT THE SAME TIME?
1137
00:44:24,009 --> 00:44:24,979
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
1138
00:44:25,010 --> 00:44:25,980
A WOMAN CAN NEVER GET MAD
1139
00:44:26,011 --> 00:44:27,051
UNLESS SHE'S
HAVING HER PERIOD.
1140
00:44:27,078 --> 00:44:29,248
GOD, YOU ARE
SO CLOSE-MINDED.
1141
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,420
YEAH, BUT ABOUT ALL
THE RIGHT THINGS.
1142
00:44:32,450 --> 00:44:33,890
GOAL!
1143
00:44:33,919 --> 00:44:36,759
2-ZIP.
TIME TO STRIP.
1144
00:44:36,788 --> 00:44:38,858
* WE'RE BETTER OFF
THIS WAY, SHE SAID *
1145
00:44:38,890 --> 00:44:40,690
A MARRIAGE IS
SO ONE-SIDED.
1146
00:44:40,726 --> 00:44:42,226
WEDDING GIFTS ARE AN
ILLUSTRATION OF THAT.
1147
00:44:42,260 --> 00:44:43,960
WHAT DO ALL
THE NEWLYWEDS GET?
1148
00:44:43,995 --> 00:44:45,325
KITCHEN STUFF.
THAT'S JUST GIRLIE CRAP.
1149
00:44:45,363 --> 00:44:47,003
SMALL TRADE-OFF FOR HAVING
TO COOK ALL THE MEALS
1150
00:44:47,032 --> 00:44:48,302
FOR SOME LAZY-ASS MAN.
1151
00:44:48,333 --> 00:44:51,243
LAZY? THEN,
ANSWER ME THIS, OK?
1152
00:44:51,269 --> 00:44:52,469
WHEN YOU'RE WALKING
WITH A GIRL,
1153
00:44:52,503 --> 00:44:53,473
WHY DOES THE GUY
1154
00:44:53,504 --> 00:44:55,244
ALWAYS HAVE TO
SLOW DOWN FOR HER
1155
00:44:55,273 --> 00:44:56,413
INSTEAD OF THE GIRL
SPEEDING UP FOR HIM?
1156
00:44:56,441 --> 00:44:58,281
I MEAN, WHO SAID GOING
SLOWER IS BETTER?
1157
00:44:58,309 --> 00:45:00,409
IT'S NOT.
GOING FASTER IS BETTER
1158
00:45:00,445 --> 00:45:01,445
AND MORE EXERCISE.
1159
00:45:01,479 --> 00:45:02,479
HOW ABOUT THAT?
1160
00:45:02,513 --> 00:45:03,483
GOAL.
1161
00:45:03,514 --> 00:45:05,384
UHH!
1162
00:45:05,416 --> 00:45:08,986
WELL, AT LEAST
WE DON'T START WARS.
1163
00:45:09,020 --> 00:45:11,220
MAYBE IF WE GOT LAID
A LITTLE BIT MORE OFTEN,
1164
00:45:11,256 --> 00:45:12,386
WE WOULDN'T BE
SO DAMN FEISTY.
1165
00:45:12,423 --> 00:45:14,333
MAYBE YOU'D GET
LAID MORE OFTEN
1166
00:45:14,359 --> 00:45:15,989
IF YOU KNEW WHAT
YOU WERE DOING IN BED.
1167
00:45:16,027 --> 00:45:17,157
YOU'VE GOT IT EASY.
1168
00:45:17,195 --> 00:45:18,895
I MEAN, YOU TOUCH
A GUY ANYWHERE,
1169
00:45:18,930 --> 00:45:19,930
AND IT FEELS GOOD,
1170
00:45:19,965 --> 00:45:20,825
BUT WITH A WOMAN,
1171
00:45:20,866 --> 00:45:22,926
IT'S LIKE FINDING
A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK,
1172
00:45:22,968 --> 00:45:24,068
AND WHILE WE'RE
ON THE SUBJECT,
1173
00:45:24,102 --> 00:45:25,742
YOU GIRLS THINK
IT'S SO GROSS
1174
00:45:25,771 --> 00:45:27,041
TO GO DOWN ON A GUY,
AND WHEN YOU DO IT,
1175
00:45:27,072 --> 00:45:28,812
IT'S LIKE
A REALLY BIG DEAL,
1176
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:30,410
BUT GUYS ARE WILLING TO
GO DIVING FOR OYSTERS
1177
00:45:30,441 --> 00:45:32,111
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.
1178
00:45:32,143 --> 00:45:33,883
WE'RE MORE WILLING
TO GIVE PLEASURE.
1179
00:45:33,912 --> 00:45:35,312
WE'RE LESS SELFISH.
1180
00:45:35,346 --> 00:45:37,046
Matt: AT THIS REMARK,
1181
00:45:37,082 --> 00:45:38,952
I THOUGHT ARLENE WOULD
SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
1182
00:45:38,984 --> 00:45:41,024
YOU ARE SO SEXIST.
1183
00:45:41,052 --> 00:45:43,522
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM, AND SO ARE YOU.
1184
00:45:43,554 --> 00:45:44,524
I AM NOT!
1185
00:45:44,555 --> 00:45:45,915
OH, YOU SOUND LIKE
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
1186
00:45:45,957 --> 00:45:46,927
SAYING THAT ONLY
THE WHITE MAN
1187
00:45:46,958 --> 00:45:47,988
IS CAPABLE OF
BEING A RACIST,
1188
00:45:48,026 --> 00:45:48,986
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
1189
00:45:49,027 --> 00:45:50,257
WE ALL HAVE PREJUDICES--
1190
00:45:50,295 --> 00:45:53,195
BLACK, WHITE,
MALE, FEMALE.
1191
00:45:55,934 --> 00:45:57,004
GOAL.
1192
00:45:57,035 --> 00:45:59,265
YOU CHEATED!
1193
00:45:59,304 --> 00:46:01,414
UHH! YOU CHEATED!
1194
00:46:01,439 --> 00:46:02,309
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?
1195
00:46:02,340 --> 00:46:04,040
I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING!
MY GOD, YOU CHEATED!
1196
00:46:04,075 --> 00:46:05,935
I DID NOT CHEAT!
1197
00:46:05,977 --> 00:46:08,077
Matt: THIS WAS BAD.
THIS WASN'T MY GLORIOUS
1198
00:46:08,113 --> 00:46:09,953
LADIES OF WRESTLING FANTASY.
1199
00:46:09,981 --> 00:46:11,451
YOU CHEATED!
ADMIT IT!
1200
00:46:11,482 --> 00:46:13,992
WE DIDN'T LAY DOWN
ANY RULES!
1201
00:46:14,019 --> 00:46:15,849
Matt: MAYBE THAT
WAS THE PROBLEM.
1202
00:46:17,555 --> 00:46:19,115
THERE WERE NO RULES
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN...
1203
00:46:21,459 --> 00:46:24,829
AND THIS LACK OF RULES
MADE GIRLS...
1204
00:46:24,863 --> 00:46:26,033
CHEATER.
1205
00:46:26,064 --> 00:46:27,174
AND ESPECIALLY US GUYS,
1206
00:46:27,198 --> 00:46:29,798
LIKE THESE FOOSBALL PLAYERS,
1207
00:46:29,835 --> 00:46:32,265
WE HAD GIANT STEEL STAKES
THROUGH OUR HEARTS,
1208
00:46:32,303 --> 00:46:34,113
AND WE'RE SPINNING
OUT OF CONTROL.
1209
00:46:34,139 --> 00:46:36,239
I WAS JUST AS BAD AS ROD,
1210
00:46:36,274 --> 00:46:37,914
BUT I FINALLY
HAD SOMETHING TO SAY
1211
00:46:37,943 --> 00:46:38,913
WHEN I WAS CALLED ON
1212
00:46:38,944 --> 00:46:41,584
IN MY WOMEN'S STUDIES CLASS.
1213
00:46:41,612 --> 00:46:43,882
THERE'S NO CLEARLY DEFINED
RULES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN,
1214
00:46:43,915 --> 00:46:45,915
SO EACH SIDE THINKS
THEY'RE PLAYING FAIR,
1215
00:46:45,951 --> 00:46:47,951
AND EACH SIDE THINKS
THEY'RE BEING CHEATED.
1216
00:46:47,986 --> 00:46:50,116
MAYBE THIS IS WHY
MEN AND WOMEN
1217
00:46:50,155 --> 00:46:51,355
HAVE THE INNATE ABILITY
1218
00:46:51,389 --> 00:46:53,159
TO BRING OUT THE POISON
IN ONE ANOTHER.
1219
00:46:53,191 --> 00:46:54,561
RUBBISH!
1220
00:46:54,592 --> 00:46:56,862
WE ALL KNOW
THERE ARE RULES,
1221
00:46:56,895 --> 00:46:59,155
RULES THAT ARE
ENFORCED AND IMPOSED
1222
00:46:59,197 --> 00:47:01,127
BY THE CONTEMPORARY
REPRESSIVE PATRIARCHY
1223
00:47:01,166 --> 00:47:03,096
OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.
1224
00:47:03,134 --> 00:47:04,904
[WHIP CRACKS]
1225
00:47:04,936 --> 00:47:06,566
[MARCHING]
1226
00:47:06,604 --> 00:47:09,114
Matt: SATURDAY,
AFTER MIDTERMS,
1227
00:47:09,140 --> 00:47:11,480
SEEMED LIKE AN ORDINARY
SATURDAY NIGHT.
1228
00:47:11,509 --> 00:47:15,579
I CHECKED ON THE GIRL WHO
NEVER CAME OUT OF HER ROOM.
1229
00:47:15,613 --> 00:47:18,983
THEN I NOTICED THAT DORA
WASN'T IN HER USUAL SPOT.
1230
00:47:19,017 --> 00:47:20,947
DORA!
1231
00:47:20,986 --> 00:47:23,416
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
1232
00:47:23,454 --> 00:47:25,394
DORA?
1233
00:47:44,475 --> 00:47:46,605
WOW.
1234
00:47:46,644 --> 00:47:49,554
HAVE YOU GIRLS SEEN DORA?
1235
00:47:49,580 --> 00:47:51,080
NO?
1236
00:47:52,417 --> 00:47:55,047
HAVE YOU GUYS
SEEN DORA?
1237
00:47:55,086 --> 00:47:57,316
SHE'S UP THERE.
1238
00:48:00,525 --> 00:48:02,185
WHY AREN'T YOU
DOING ANYTHING?
1239
00:48:02,227 --> 00:48:04,097
SHE DOES THIS
EVERY SEMESTER.
1240
00:48:04,129 --> 00:48:06,459
Matt: I MADE A SILENT VOW
THAT I WOULD BREAK THE VCR
1241
00:48:06,497 --> 00:48:07,927
SO THOSE GIRLS
COULDN'T WATCH
1242
00:48:07,966 --> 00:48:09,066
ANY MORE JANE AUSTEN MOVIES.
1243
00:48:09,100 --> 00:48:10,440
LET'S PLAY WHIST.
1244
00:48:10,468 --> 00:48:11,498
OH, YES!
1245
00:48:18,076 --> 00:48:20,176
Cynthia: I'M UP HERE, GUYS.
1246
00:48:20,211 --> 00:48:22,581
YOU'RE DOING
A REALLY GREAT JOB.
1247
00:48:22,613 --> 00:48:25,623
IT'S JUST, LIKE,
ONE MORE FLIGHT.
1248
00:48:32,190 --> 00:48:33,420
[CRASH]
Cynthia: UHH!
1249
00:48:41,132 --> 00:48:43,132
DON'T DO IT!
1250
00:48:45,070 --> 00:48:47,040
YOU KNOW, THE FIRST
TIME I DID THIS,
1251
00:48:47,072 --> 00:48:48,242
NOBODY NOTICED.
1252
00:48:48,273 --> 00:48:50,213
NOW, NOBODY CARES.
1253
00:48:50,241 --> 00:48:51,441
I CARE.
1254
00:48:51,476 --> 00:48:53,136
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
1255
00:48:53,178 --> 00:48:54,308
'CAUSE I WAS BORN
1256
00:48:54,345 --> 00:48:56,105
WITH THE GREATEST
CURSE OF ALL.
1257
00:48:56,147 --> 00:48:57,677
WHAT'S THAT?
1258
00:48:57,715 --> 00:49:01,545
I'M UGLY, AND
I'M ALSO VERY SMART.
1259
00:49:01,586 --> 00:49:02,716
YOU'RE NOT UGLY.
1260
00:49:02,753 --> 00:49:06,163
I KNOW WHAT'S
IN STORE FOR ME.
1261
00:49:06,191 --> 00:49:09,291
NO ONE WILL EVER
HAVE PASSION FOR ME.
1262
00:49:09,327 --> 00:49:12,127
PEOPLE ALL AROUND ME
WILL BE FALLING IN LOVE
1263
00:49:12,163 --> 00:49:14,233
AND MAKING LOVE
1264
00:49:14,265 --> 00:49:16,095
AND GETTING MARRIED
1265
00:49:16,134 --> 00:49:17,674
AND HAVING KIDS.
1266
00:49:17,702 --> 00:49:19,742
THE CLOSEST THING
I'LL EVER HAVE TO THAT
1267
00:49:19,770 --> 00:49:21,240
IS SOMEONE INVITING ME
1268
00:49:21,272 --> 00:49:22,342
TO THEIR
CHRISTMAS DINNER
1269
00:49:22,373 --> 00:49:24,083
BECAUSE THEY FEEL GUILTY
1270
00:49:24,109 --> 00:49:26,509
I MIGHT BE SPENDING
THE HOLIDAY ALONE.
1271
00:49:26,544 --> 00:49:28,184
OR, IF I'M LUCKY,
1272
00:49:28,213 --> 00:49:29,683
MY MALE COUNTERPART,
1273
00:49:29,714 --> 00:49:32,754
AN OBESE MAN OR
GUY WITH A HARELIP,
1274
00:49:32,783 --> 00:49:35,423
WILL INVITE ME
TO COFFEE,
1275
00:49:35,453 --> 00:49:37,523
AND WE'LL PRETEND
TO LOVE EACH OTHER
1276
00:49:37,555 --> 00:49:39,155
AND TIE THE KNOT
1277
00:49:39,190 --> 00:49:41,530
BECAUSE WE'RE
SO DESPERATELY AFRAID
1278
00:49:41,559 --> 00:49:44,759
OF GROWING OLD ALONE.
1279
00:49:44,795 --> 00:49:46,025
Matt: I HAD A BAD FEELING
1280
00:49:46,064 --> 00:49:47,674
THIS GIRL MIGHT JUMP
THIS TIME.
1281
00:49:47,698 --> 00:49:50,338
I FELT TERRIBLE THAT
I HAD TREATED HER
1282
00:49:50,368 --> 00:49:52,298
LIKE SHE HAD
THE EBOLA VIRUS.
1283
00:49:52,337 --> 00:49:53,567
THERE WAS SOMETHING
INSIDE THIS GIRL
1284
00:49:53,604 --> 00:49:56,144
I WANTED TO EXPOSE
MYSELF TO.
1285
00:49:56,174 --> 00:49:58,144
SHE WAS SO SELF-AWARE,
1286
00:49:58,176 --> 00:49:59,506
SO SENSITIVE.
1287
00:49:59,544 --> 00:50:02,484
MAYBE SHE NOTICED
A CHANGE IN ME.
1288
00:50:02,513 --> 00:50:04,553
COME ON. LET'S GO
BACK INSIDE.
1289
00:50:04,582 --> 00:50:08,322
ONLY IF YOU ADMIT
THAT I'M RIGHT.
1290
00:50:08,353 --> 00:50:11,493
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
1291
00:50:11,522 --> 00:50:15,232
YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO WORRY.
1292
00:50:15,260 --> 00:50:17,560
I JUST LIKE TO COME
UP HERE SOMETIMES
1293
00:50:17,595 --> 00:50:19,425
AND SEE WHAT
IT MIGHT BE LIKE.
1294
00:50:24,169 --> 00:50:26,239
Matt: I FOUND OUT
WHAT DORA WAS READING
1295
00:50:26,271 --> 00:50:27,671
ALL THOSE SATURDAY NIGHTS--
1296
00:50:27,705 --> 00:50:31,035
D.H. LAWRENCE, COLETTE,
AND HENRY MILLER.
1297
00:50:31,076 --> 00:50:35,206
"YOUR SYLVESTER, YES,
HE KNOWS HOW TO BUILD A FIRE,
1298
00:50:35,246 --> 00:50:38,216
"BUT I KNOW HOW
TO INFLAME YOUR CUNT.
1299
00:50:38,249 --> 00:50:41,749
"I SHOOT HOT BOLTS
INTO YOU, TANYA.
1300
00:50:41,786 --> 00:50:46,216
I MAKE YOUR OVARIES
INCANDESCENT."
1301
00:50:46,257 --> 00:50:48,327
WOW. CAN YOU IMAGINE
1302
00:50:48,359 --> 00:50:50,599
SOMEONE BEING
THAT PASSIONATE FOR YOU?
1303
00:50:50,628 --> 00:50:52,598
NO.
1304
00:50:52,630 --> 00:50:53,660
YOUR TURN.
1305
00:50:56,334 --> 00:50:59,774
"YOUR SYLVESTER IS
A LITTLE JEALOUS NOW.
1306
00:50:59,804 --> 00:51:01,814
"HE FEELS SOMETHING,
DOESN'T HE?
1307
00:51:01,839 --> 00:51:04,609
"HE FEELS THE REMNANTS
OF MY BIG PRICK.
1308
00:51:04,642 --> 00:51:06,812
"I HAVE SET THE SHORES
A LITTLE WIDER,
1309
00:51:06,844 --> 00:51:09,384
"I HAVE IRONED OUT
THE WRINKLES.
1310
00:51:09,414 --> 00:51:11,624
"AFTER ME, YOU CAN
TAKE ON STALLIONS,
1311
00:51:11,649 --> 00:51:14,649
BULLS, RAMS, DRAKES,
ST. BERNARDS."
1312
00:51:16,354 --> 00:51:19,224
BEING FRANCESCA HAS
IT'S DISADVANTAGES.
1313
00:51:19,257 --> 00:51:21,227
WHAT HAPPENED?
1314
00:51:21,259 --> 00:51:24,329
LAST NIGHT, MY ROOMMATE
ROD CAME TO FIND ME.
1315
00:51:24,362 --> 00:51:26,462
HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME
AS FRANCESCA.
1316
00:51:26,497 --> 00:51:27,667
Wendy: OH, GOD.
1317
00:51:34,839 --> 00:51:37,209
JESUS CHRIST.
1318
00:51:37,242 --> 00:51:40,112
Matt: SO HE STARTS
LOOKING UP MY DRESS.
1319
00:51:40,145 --> 00:51:42,245
I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT HE'S DOING,
1320
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:43,250
BECAUSE I DO IT
1321
00:51:43,281 --> 00:51:44,781
EVERY OPPORTUNITY
I GET, TOO.
1322
00:51:44,815 --> 00:51:46,145
OH, NO.
1323
00:51:46,184 --> 00:51:48,394
WHENEVER MEN
LOOK AT A GIRL,
1324
00:51:48,419 --> 00:51:50,119
THEY IMAGINE HER NAKED.
1325
00:51:50,155 --> 00:51:52,585
[WOLF WHISTLE]
1326
00:51:52,623 --> 00:51:53,363
Matt: SO, THAT'S
WHAT HE'S DOING
1327
00:51:53,391 --> 00:51:55,261
TO ME RIGHT THERE.
1328
00:51:55,293 --> 00:51:59,503
I FELT...VIOLATED.
1329
00:51:59,530 --> 00:52:00,770
I KNOW THE FEELING.
1330
00:52:00,798 --> 00:52:02,598
YEAH. YOU KNOW, IT'S
NO WONDER THAT WOMEN
1331
00:52:02,633 --> 00:52:03,873
HAVE TO BE THE
GATEKEEPERS OF SEX
1332
00:52:03,901 --> 00:52:05,301
WITH THE WAY MEN ARE.
1333
00:52:05,336 --> 00:52:06,796
I MEAN, WOMEN COULD
INITIATE THE COMMINGLING
1334
00:52:06,837 --> 00:52:08,307
OF MALE AND FEMALE
BODILY FLUIDS
1335
00:52:08,339 --> 00:52:09,869
WHENEVER THEY WANT.
1336
00:52:09,907 --> 00:52:12,607
GUYS ARE JUST
SIMPLY ALWAYS
1337
00:52:12,643 --> 00:52:14,513
WILLING TO VOLUNTEER
FOR SEX.
1338
00:52:14,545 --> 00:52:15,405
THEIR ATTITUDE
TOWARDS IT
1339
00:52:15,446 --> 00:52:17,676
IS LIKE PUTTING JAM
INTO A JELLY DOUGHNUT.
1340
00:52:17,715 --> 00:52:20,445
I TESTED THE CONCEPT
WITH ROD.
1341
00:52:23,621 --> 00:52:25,891
[MOUTHING WORDS]
1342
00:52:38,936 --> 00:52:41,836
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO ABOUT IT?
1343
00:52:41,872 --> 00:52:44,682
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
1344
00:52:44,709 --> 00:52:47,609
[LAUGHS] YOU JUST SAID,
"I LOVE YOU."
1345
00:52:48,713 --> 00:52:50,953
NO. YOU GOT ME WRONG.
1346
00:52:50,981 --> 00:52:53,681
I SAID, "OLIVE SOUP."
1347
00:52:53,718 --> 00:52:55,318
WHAT?
1348
00:52:55,353 --> 00:52:58,463
OLIVE SOUP.
1349
00:53:00,658 --> 00:53:03,188
[EXHALES]
1350
00:53:03,228 --> 00:53:06,358
SO, HE WAS ALL READY
TO DO IT WITH YOU?
1351
00:53:06,397 --> 00:53:07,897
YEAH. THAT JUST PROVES
1352
00:53:07,932 --> 00:53:09,502
THAT MEN ARE TOTALLY
IRRESPONSIBLE
1353
00:53:09,534 --> 00:53:11,274
WHEN IT COMES TO
GENITAL GYMNASTICS.
1354
00:53:13,504 --> 00:53:16,314
I HAVE THIS THEORY...
1355
00:53:16,341 --> 00:53:18,441
THAT HAS TO DO
WITH SHOPPING.
1356
00:53:18,476 --> 00:53:19,636
SHOPPING?
1357
00:53:19,677 --> 00:53:20,877
WELL, SURE, RIGHT?
1358
00:53:20,911 --> 00:53:22,351
I MEAN, WOMEN HAVE
MORE PRACTICE AT IT.
1359
00:53:22,380 --> 00:53:23,850
THEY CAN GO INTO A STORE
1360
00:53:23,881 --> 00:53:25,651
AND CIRCLE SOMETHING
AND CIRCLE SOMETHING,
1361
00:53:25,683 --> 00:53:26,783
AND THEY WON'T
EVEN BUY IT.
1362
00:53:26,817 --> 00:53:28,647
RIGHT? THEY'RE LEARNING
SELF-RESTRAINT.
1363
00:53:28,686 --> 00:53:29,786
MEN, ON THE OTHER HAND,
1364
00:53:29,820 --> 00:53:30,990
WE ONLY GO SHOPPING
1365
00:53:31,021 --> 00:53:32,761
WHEN WE KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE GONNA GET.
1366
00:53:32,790 --> 00:53:34,960
MEN AND WOMEN TREAT SEX
THE EXACT SAME WAY.
1367
00:53:34,992 --> 00:53:37,432
THERE'S SOME VALIDITY
TO YOUR THEORY.
1368
00:53:37,462 --> 00:53:38,932
YEAH. IT'S NOT ONLY SEX.
1369
00:53:38,963 --> 00:53:40,333
I MEAN, WOMEN
ARE MORE RESPONSIBLE
1370
00:53:40,365 --> 00:53:42,665
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
1371
00:53:42,700 --> 00:53:43,900
THE FACT
OF THE MATTER IS
1372
00:53:43,934 --> 00:53:45,844
IS THAT WOMEN
REALLY RULE THE WORLD.
1373
00:53:45,870 --> 00:53:46,700
THANK YOU.
1374
00:53:46,737 --> 00:53:49,267
YEAH. THE IRONY OF
THE SITUATION, THOUGH,
1375
00:53:49,307 --> 00:53:50,107
IS THAT WOMEN
ARE NOT PUT
1376
00:53:50,140 --> 00:53:52,380
INTO RECOGNIZABLE
POSITIONS TO DO SO.
1377
00:53:52,410 --> 00:53:53,440
I MEAN, THEY HAVE TO
CARRY OUT THEIR WORK
1378
00:53:53,478 --> 00:53:54,878
LIKE THE
FRENCH UNDERGROUND.
1379
00:53:54,912 --> 00:53:55,982
MEN ARE JUST AFRAID
1380
00:53:56,013 --> 00:53:57,523
OF PUTTING WOMEN
INTO THE WORKPLACE
1381
00:53:57,548 --> 00:53:59,348
BECAUSE THEY UNDERSTAND
THAT EVENTUALLY,
1382
00:53:59,384 --> 00:54:01,624
WOMEN WILL RISE TO THEIR
PROPER LEVELS ON TOP.
1383
00:54:01,652 --> 00:54:03,722
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
1384
00:54:03,754 --> 00:54:06,394
I GOT A DOUBLE COOKIE
FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
1385
00:54:06,424 --> 00:54:08,364
THANK YOU.
1386
00:54:09,760 --> 00:54:10,730
MMM...
1387
00:54:10,761 --> 00:54:11,831
MM-MMM...
1388
00:54:11,862 --> 00:54:15,832
MMM MM-MM-MMM.
1389
00:54:15,866 --> 00:54:18,996
CARE TO COME IN AND SHARE
A BOWL OF CAPTAIN CRUNCH?
1390
00:54:19,036 --> 00:54:20,066
Matt:
PATTY HAD A WAY
1391
00:54:20,104 --> 00:54:24,284
OF EVEN MAKING THE WORD
"CAPTAIN CRUNCH" SOUND SEXY.
1392
00:54:24,309 --> 00:54:26,709
NAH. I--
I HAVE WORK TO DO.
1393
00:54:26,744 --> 00:54:27,984
LOOK...
1394
00:54:28,012 --> 00:54:29,552
DON'T BE AFRAID.
1395
00:54:29,580 --> 00:54:31,720
I KNOW YOU LIKE
SOME OTHER GIRL THAN ME.
1396
00:54:31,749 --> 00:54:33,549
HERE, HAVE SOME.
1397
00:54:33,584 --> 00:54:36,024
IT'S THE ORIGINAL.
1398
00:54:38,055 --> 00:54:40,015
THERE'S SOME SYRUP TO
PUT ON IT, IF YOU WANT.
1399
00:54:40,057 --> 00:54:42,527
THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT.
1400
00:54:42,560 --> 00:54:44,800
HOW DO YOU KNOW
I LIKE SOME OTHER GIRL?
1401
00:54:44,829 --> 00:54:47,869
BY THE WAY THAT
YOU LOOK AT ME.
1402
00:54:47,898 --> 00:54:49,468
AND HOW IS THAT?
1403
00:54:51,068 --> 00:54:52,568
THERE'S A CERTAIN WAY
1404
00:54:52,603 --> 00:54:55,913
A MAN STARES
AT THE WOMAN HE LOVES.
1405
00:54:55,940 --> 00:54:59,780
THE MAN LOOKS LIKE A BOY
ON HIS BIRTHDAY
1406
00:54:59,810 --> 00:55:02,910
AND HE TREATS THE WOMAN
AS IF SHE WERE A GIFT
1407
00:55:02,947 --> 00:55:05,547
THAT HE'S WAITED
SO LONG TO OPEN
1408
00:55:05,583 --> 00:55:07,053
AND NOW HE CAN'T WAIT
1409
00:55:07,084 --> 00:55:09,024
TO SEE WHAT THE TREASURE
IS INSIDE.
1410
00:55:11,956 --> 00:55:14,016
YOU DON'T GIVE ME
THAT LOOK.
1411
00:55:15,560 --> 00:55:17,600
Matt, narrating:
YOU KNOW HOW CAPTAIN HOOK
1412
00:55:17,628 --> 00:55:19,758
COULD ALWAYS HEAR
HIS NEMESIS THE CROCODILE
1413
00:55:19,797 --> 00:55:22,767
FROM THE TICK-TOCK OF
HIS CLOCK IN THE CROCK'S BELLY?
1414
00:55:22,800 --> 00:55:24,700
WELL, THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS
FOR ME WITH CRICK
1415
00:55:24,735 --> 00:55:27,065
AND HIS NICOTINE-GUM CHEWING.
1416
00:55:29,507 --> 00:55:33,377
I KNEW I WOULD
FIND YOU TWO TOGETHER.
1417
00:55:33,411 --> 00:55:36,081
HE WAS ALL HOPPED-UP
ON NICOTINE GUM.
1418
00:55:36,113 --> 00:55:38,123
I HAD TO FIND A WAY TO
GET PATTY OUT OF THERE.
1419
00:55:38,148 --> 00:55:40,048
I DECIDED
THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT
1420
00:55:40,084 --> 00:55:42,654
WAS TO FOCUS HIS TESTOSTERONE-
ENHANCED WRATH ON ME.
1421
00:55:42,687 --> 00:55:43,947
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
CRICK?
1422
00:55:43,988 --> 00:55:45,618
I WAS WONDERING...
1423
00:55:45,656 --> 00:55:46,956
DO THE BAD GUYS OF THE WORLD
1424
00:55:46,991 --> 00:55:48,131
REALLY KNOW
THEY'RE BEING BAD,
1425
00:55:48,158 --> 00:55:49,058
OR DO THE BAD GUYS
1426
00:55:49,093 --> 00:55:50,133
ACTUALLY JUST THINK
THEY'RE BEING GOOD GUYS
1427
00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:52,600
WHEN, IN FACT, THEY'RE JUST
ACTING LIKE SPHINCTERS?
1428
00:55:52,630 --> 00:55:54,970
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU TELL ME, SMART GUY.
1429
00:55:54,999 --> 00:55:56,869
SO YOU REALLY THINK
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY?
1430
00:55:56,901 --> 00:55:58,501
YEAH. I KNOW I AM.
1431
00:55:58,536 --> 00:56:00,606
SEE, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S
TRYING TO STEAL MY CHICK.
1432
00:56:00,638 --> 00:56:02,108
I'M THE COOL ONE.
1433
00:56:02,139 --> 00:56:03,609
COOL?
1434
00:56:03,641 --> 00:56:05,411
OH, THAT'S ANOTHER THING
THAT JUST BOTHERS ME.
1435
00:56:05,443 --> 00:56:06,513
I WAS JUST READING THAT ONE
IN 6 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
1436
00:56:06,544 --> 00:56:07,854
THINK THEY'RE COOL.
1437
00:56:07,878 --> 00:56:10,078
WHAT IS THAT, LIKE,
A BILLION PEOPLE ARE COOL?
1438
00:56:10,114 --> 00:56:12,124
THAT JUST CAN'T
POSSIBLY BE RIGHT.
1439
00:56:12,149 --> 00:56:15,549
IF EVERYBODY IS COOL,
THEN, REALLY, NOBODY IS COOL.
1440
00:56:15,586 --> 00:56:17,716
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKIN' ABOUT, GUY.
1441
00:56:17,755 --> 00:56:20,055
[CHUCKLES]
LOOK AT YOU.
1442
00:56:20,090 --> 00:56:21,660
I MEAN,
THE MODERN-DAY MEDIA--
1443
00:56:21,692 --> 00:56:22,832
THE MAGAZINES, THE TV--
1444
00:56:22,860 --> 00:56:24,860
THEY SHOW US
WHAT COOLNESS IS
1445
00:56:24,895 --> 00:56:26,425
SO THAT YOU
PONYTAIL PRETENDERS
1446
00:56:26,464 --> 00:56:29,004
CAN GO OUT THERE AND
BUY COOLNESS, THUS...
1447
00:56:29,033 --> 00:56:31,403
FOOLING THE WEAK-MINDED
AND UNSUSPECTING.
1448
00:56:31,436 --> 00:56:32,396
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF YOU, BUDDY.
1449
00:56:32,437 --> 00:56:34,637
HA HA HA HA!
1450
00:56:39,510 --> 00:56:40,610
GET OFF ME!
1451
00:56:40,645 --> 00:56:42,645
WE'D NEVER WIN
THIS FIGHT WITH CRICK.
1452
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:45,750
I ONLY HAD ONE,
DESPERATE CHANCE.
1453
00:56:45,783 --> 00:56:47,023
[STAPLING]
1454
00:56:47,051 --> 00:56:48,151
OH! BASTARD!
1455
00:56:48,185 --> 00:56:49,545
OH!
1456
00:56:49,587 --> 00:56:50,557
OK! LET'S GO!
1457
00:56:50,588 --> 00:56:51,188
GET THE HELL OFF ME.
1458
00:56:51,221 --> 00:56:52,391
GOD DAMN!
1459
00:56:53,658 --> 00:56:54,588
AH!
1460
00:56:55,726 --> 00:56:57,426
BASTARDS!
1461
00:56:57,462 --> 00:56:58,532
WHAT THE--UNH!
1462
00:56:58,563 --> 00:57:00,703
PUNK--UHH!
1463
00:57:00,731 --> 00:57:02,071
UHH!
1464
00:57:04,935 --> 00:57:06,695
OK, I THINK
WE DITCHED HIM.
1465
00:57:08,939 --> 00:57:09,939
OH...
1466
00:57:09,974 --> 00:57:11,644
[SOBBING]
1467
00:57:15,780 --> 00:57:17,410
PATTY!
1468
00:57:19,484 --> 00:57:21,624
PATTY!
1469
00:57:21,652 --> 00:57:24,192
PATTY!
1470
00:57:24,221 --> 00:57:25,661
PATTY!
1471
00:57:28,092 --> 00:57:29,632
PATTY!
1472
00:57:29,660 --> 00:57:31,600
[WHAM]
1473
00:57:31,629 --> 00:57:33,199
[WHAM]
1474
00:57:33,230 --> 00:57:34,600
[WHAM]
1475
00:57:34,632 --> 00:57:35,672
WHAT WAS THAT?
1476
00:57:35,700 --> 00:57:37,700
MY BEN WA BALLS.
1477
00:57:37,735 --> 00:57:39,935
YOU HAD THEM
IN THERE
1478
00:57:39,970 --> 00:57:41,510
WHEN YOU WERE
EATING YOUR CEREAL?
1479
00:57:41,539 --> 00:57:43,009
YEAH. IT'S INCREDIBLE.
1480
00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:44,010
[CHUCKLES]
1481
00:57:44,041 --> 00:57:45,081
[WHAM]
1482
00:57:46,143 --> 00:57:47,083
[WHAM]
1483
00:57:48,546 --> 00:57:50,006
[WHAM]
1484
00:57:51,616 --> 00:57:52,676
[WHAM]
1485
00:57:59,757 --> 00:58:00,927
THERE YOU ARE!
1486
00:58:03,193 --> 00:58:05,803
Matt, narrating:
I WAS A DEAD MAN,
1487
00:58:05,830 --> 00:58:07,800
BUT THEN FATE INTERVENED.
1488
00:58:15,272 --> 00:58:16,112
HUH?
1489
00:58:19,644 --> 00:58:20,614
HUNH!
1490
00:58:20,645 --> 00:58:21,975
OH!
1491
00:58:22,012 --> 00:58:22,982
AH...OH...
1492
00:58:23,013 --> 00:58:25,053
AH...
1493
00:58:25,082 --> 00:58:26,482
WHUHH!
1494
00:58:36,026 --> 00:58:38,156
AFTER CRICK
HOBBLED AWAY IN PAIN,
1495
00:58:38,195 --> 00:58:40,125
WE WERE STILL DRUNK
WITH LAUGHTER
1496
00:58:40,164 --> 00:58:41,574
AND FAT WITH GLEE.
1497
00:58:41,599 --> 00:58:42,799
I GUESS THAT'S
WHAT MADE ME DO IT.
1498
00:58:42,833 --> 00:58:45,603
PATTY CAME ONTO ME AGAIN,
1499
00:58:45,636 --> 00:58:47,096
AND I SUCCUMBED.
1500
00:58:50,007 --> 00:58:51,677
I TRIED TO RATIONALIZE IT.
1501
00:58:51,709 --> 00:58:53,839
I THOUGHT MAYBE I
COULD LEARN FROM HER,
1502
00:58:53,878 --> 00:58:55,978
MAYBE THIS WAS WHY GOD
MADE WOMEN LIKE THIS
1503
00:58:56,013 --> 00:58:58,553
SO THAT SEXUALLY IMPAIRED
IDIOTS LIKE ME
1504
00:58:58,583 --> 00:59:00,593
COULD HAVE SOMETHING
TO PRACTICE ON.
1505
00:59:00,618 --> 00:59:02,548
AT THIS MOMENT,
SHE WASN'T A SLUT.
1506
00:59:04,188 --> 00:59:06,788
SHE WAS A LUSCIOUS VOICE
OF EXPERIENCE.
1507
00:59:06,824 --> 00:59:08,564
HA HA OH...YES!
1508
00:59:08,593 --> 00:59:10,233
YES. YES!
1509
00:59:10,260 --> 00:59:11,700
YES! OH, YES!
1510
00:59:11,729 --> 00:59:13,099
OH, YES!
1511
00:59:13,130 --> 00:59:15,900
OH, SWEET LEAPING JESUS!
1512
00:59:15,933 --> 00:59:18,343
I ALSO FIGURED THAT
NOBODY ON THEIR DEATHBED
1513
00:59:18,368 --> 00:59:21,168
LOOKS BACK AND SAYS,
"I WISH I'D MADE LOVE LESS."
1514
00:59:21,205 --> 00:59:22,265
EH...
1515
00:59:22,306 --> 00:59:25,306
WE DIDN'T MAKE LOVE THE WAY
THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES,
1516
00:59:25,342 --> 00:59:27,852
YOU KNOW, WHERE THE GUY JUST
SLIDES IN-BETWEEN HER LEGS
1517
00:59:27,878 --> 00:59:29,848
LIKE A HOT KNIFE THROUGH BUTTER.
1518
00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:31,750
NO. THIS WAS LIKE REAL LIFE.
1519
00:59:31,782 --> 00:59:33,652
NO.
1520
00:59:33,684 --> 00:59:35,224
NO, NO, NOT THAT HOLE.
1521
00:59:35,252 --> 00:59:37,222
I--I CAN'T GET IT IN.
1522
00:59:37,254 --> 00:59:39,094
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NOT
ANOTHER BEN WA BALL IN THERE?
1523
00:59:39,123 --> 00:59:40,693
NO. HERE.
LET ME HELP YOU.
1524
00:59:43,227 --> 00:59:44,027
AHH...
1525
00:59:48,365 --> 00:59:49,965
NO. WE DIDN'T
MAKE CINEMA LOVE.
1526
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:50,970
AH-CHOO!
1527
00:59:51,001 --> 00:59:53,141
WE MADE THE KIND OF LOVE
1528
00:59:53,170 --> 00:59:54,840
WHERE YOU JUST
LAUGH TOGETHER,
1529
00:59:54,872 --> 00:59:56,342
AND YOUR BODIES MAKE
THAT FARTING NOISE
1530
00:59:56,373 --> 00:59:58,243
WHEN AIR GETS TRAPPED
IN-BETWEEN YOU.
1531
00:59:58,275 --> 00:59:59,235
[PUHHHHHT]
1532
00:59:59,276 --> 01:00:01,906
HA HA HA!
1533
01:00:01,946 --> 01:00:04,046
PATTY TAUGHT ME THINGS.
1534
01:00:05,249 --> 01:00:06,879
HEY, HEY...
1535
01:00:06,917 --> 01:00:09,247
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
KISS ME THE WHOLE TIME.
1536
01:00:09,286 --> 01:00:11,116
IT SEEMS LIKE
YOU'RE KISSING ME
1537
01:00:11,155 --> 01:00:12,885
JUST TO AVOID
LOOKING AT ME.
1538
01:00:12,923 --> 01:00:14,863
LOOK INTO MY EYES.
1539
01:00:14,892 --> 01:00:17,192
CONCENTRATE ON ME.
1540
01:00:17,227 --> 01:00:19,997
CONCENTRATE ON US.
1541
01:00:20,030 --> 01:00:21,830
I'D ONLY DONE IT TWICE,
1542
01:00:21,866 --> 01:00:25,236
BUT NOW I COULD ARTICULATE
WHY MEN LOVE SEX SO MUCH...
1543
01:00:25,269 --> 01:00:27,399
BECAUSE WHILE
YOU'RE DOING IT,
1544
01:00:27,437 --> 01:00:30,237
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
AS GOOD, IF NOT BETTER,
1545
01:00:30,274 --> 01:00:31,684
THAN EVERY OTHER MAN.
1546
01:00:31,709 --> 01:00:33,639
OH, YES!
1547
01:00:33,678 --> 01:00:35,978
THE FEELING OF THAT
VELVET AXLE GREASE
1548
01:00:36,013 --> 01:00:37,783
MAKES YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE
ON THE CORRECT PATH...
1549
01:00:37,815 --> 01:00:40,815
OH, MADONNA MIA!
1550
01:00:40,851 --> 01:00:42,651
THAT EVERYTHING
IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD.
1551
01:00:42,687 --> 01:00:45,217
[SIZE 14
SINGS SUPERBABE 2000]
1552
01:00:45,255 --> 01:00:47,015
OH...
1553
01:00:47,057 --> 01:00:49,287
* 2000
1554
01:00:49,326 --> 01:00:50,256
HA HA HA!
1555
01:00:52,429 --> 01:00:56,729
* A SUPERBABE
1556
01:00:56,767 --> 01:00:58,667
HA HA HA!
1557
01:00:58,703 --> 01:01:01,873
HA HA HA!
* 2000
1558
01:01:05,042 --> 01:01:08,752
* SHE'S A SUPERBABE
1559
01:01:08,779 --> 01:01:10,849
AHH...AH!
1560
01:01:10,881 --> 01:01:14,381
* 2000
1561
01:01:14,418 --> 01:01:15,718
OH!
1562
01:01:15,753 --> 01:01:17,423
OH!
OH!
1563
01:01:17,454 --> 01:01:20,764
OUR TRANSCENDENT FUSION
WAS NOT THE ROMANTIC TYPE.
1564
01:01:20,791 --> 01:01:22,691
IT WAS JUST FUN.
1565
01:01:22,727 --> 01:01:24,827
* 2000
1566
01:01:24,862 --> 01:01:26,932
THAT VERIFIED MY EXPERIENCE
WITH HER WAS NOT SERIOUS
1567
01:01:26,964 --> 01:01:28,234
AND NOTHING COSMIC.
1568
01:01:34,839 --> 01:01:37,069
I USED HER.
1569
01:01:37,107 --> 01:01:38,437
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
1570
01:01:38,475 --> 01:01:41,145
EH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
1571
01:01:41,178 --> 01:01:44,448
I TELL YOU I'M UP TO
15 POUNDS OVER HERE?
1572
01:01:44,481 --> 01:01:47,851
I TREATED HER LIKE SHE WAS
MY SEXUAL TRAINING WHEELS.
1573
01:01:47,885 --> 01:01:49,815
SOMETHING I USED WHILE
LEARNING TO RIDE THE BIKE
1574
01:01:49,854 --> 01:01:51,964
THAT I'LL JUST DISCARD
WHEN I NO LONGER NEED THEM.
1575
01:01:51,989 --> 01:01:54,159
AND WHAT IF THAT GIRL
FROM THE ELEVATOR FINDS OUT?
1576
01:01:54,191 --> 01:01:55,991
HUH? SHE'S GONNA THINK
I'M A TOTAL DICK.
1577
01:01:56,026 --> 01:01:57,856
AW, MAN...
1578
01:01:57,895 --> 01:02:00,825
IT'S YOUR MANIFEST DESTINY
TO NAIL HER, YOU KNOW?
1579
01:02:00,865 --> 01:02:02,465
I MEAN, IN EVERY SPECIES,
1580
01:02:02,499 --> 01:02:04,469
IT'S THE MALE'S
OVERRIDING FUNCTION
1581
01:02:04,501 --> 01:02:06,771
TO PERPETUATE HIS LINE.
1582
01:02:06,804 --> 01:02:08,944
I MEAN, WHY SHOULD IT BE
ANY DIFFERENT FOR YOU?
1583
01:02:08,973 --> 01:02:11,943
YOU SHOULD EMBRACE YOUR DESTINY,
NOT DENY IT.
1584
01:02:11,976 --> 01:02:13,276
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET BY
1585
01:02:13,310 --> 01:02:14,880
WITH THIS ATTITUDE
TOWARDS WOMEN, ROD?
1586
01:02:14,912 --> 01:02:16,912
I'M GONNA GET RICH
1587
01:02:16,947 --> 01:02:19,377
AND THEN GET ME ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE WIFE WHORES, YOU KNOW?
1588
01:02:19,416 --> 01:02:21,946
GIVE HER A NICE CAR,
BUNCH OF CREDIT CARDS,
1589
01:02:21,986 --> 01:02:23,516
LOTS OF CASH,
STUFF LIKE THAT,
1590
01:02:23,553 --> 01:02:25,923
AND IN RETURN, YOU KNOW,
SHE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS
1591
01:02:25,956 --> 01:02:28,486
AND GIVE ME SEX ON DEMAND.
1592
01:02:28,525 --> 01:02:31,295
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED
1593
01:02:31,328 --> 01:02:32,928
TO MAKE YOU HATE WOMEN
SO MUCH?
1594
01:02:32,963 --> 01:02:34,463
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.
1595
01:02:34,498 --> 01:02:37,498
SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED.
I KNEW IT.
1596
01:02:37,534 --> 01:02:40,204
THERE WAS DEFINITELY
A HORROR IN ROD'S PAST,
1597
01:02:40,237 --> 01:02:42,467
AND IT WAS DEFINITELY
AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE MONSTER
1598
01:02:42,506 --> 01:02:44,976
THAT ROD CALLED WOMAN.
AAH!
1599
01:02:45,009 --> 01:02:46,939
COME ON. WHAT'S
YOUR HORROR STORY?
1600
01:02:46,977 --> 01:02:48,547
THERE'S NO STORY, MAN.
1601
01:02:48,578 --> 01:02:50,818
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S
GOT THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN,
1602
01:02:50,848 --> 01:02:52,218
NOT ME, YOU KNOW.
1603
01:02:52,249 --> 01:02:53,779
MAYBE IF YOU
TRIED THIS THING,
1604
01:02:53,818 --> 01:02:56,048
YOU WOULDN'T BE SO NERVOUS
AROUND THEM ALL THE TIME.
1605
01:02:56,086 --> 01:02:58,386
NOT ONLY HAS MY MAIN MAN
GIRTH INCREASED,
1606
01:02:58,422 --> 01:03:01,532
BUT SO HAS MY VIRILITY,
BABY. [CHUCKLES]
1607
01:03:01,558 --> 01:03:03,058
JUST THE OTHER DAY,
1608
01:03:03,093 --> 01:03:05,933
I BONED THIS GIRL
ALL NIGHT LONG.
1609
01:03:05,963 --> 01:03:07,333
YEAH? WHAT GIRL?
1610
01:03:07,364 --> 01:03:08,534
HUH?
1611
01:03:08,565 --> 01:03:10,225
FRANCESCA.
1612
01:03:10,267 --> 01:03:12,997
YEAH, RIGHT.
1613
01:03:13,037 --> 01:03:16,107
OH, MAN, YEAH.
SHE'S--SHE'S DOABLE.
1614
01:03:16,140 --> 01:03:17,370
IN YOUR DREAMS.
1615
01:03:17,407 --> 01:03:19,077
NO. SHE'S DIDABLE, MAN.
1616
01:03:19,109 --> 01:03:20,879
I'M TELLIN' YOU.
1617
01:03:20,911 --> 01:03:22,551
WE HAD SEX ALL NIGHT LONG.
1618
01:03:22,579 --> 01:03:24,279
SHE MAY BE UGLY
AS SIN AND ALL,
1619
01:03:24,314 --> 01:03:25,954
BUT I AIN'T COMPLAININ'.
1620
01:03:25,983 --> 01:03:28,993
YEAH, I'M SAD, BUT HAPPY.
HEH EH-HEH...
1621
01:03:29,019 --> 01:03:31,089
Matt:
GOD, I HATE GUYS.
1622
01:03:31,121 --> 01:03:32,521
AH...FUCKIN' YEAH.
1623
01:03:32,556 --> 01:03:34,956
OW!
1624
01:03:34,992 --> 01:03:36,232
DICK!
1625
01:03:37,962 --> 01:03:40,102
MORE THAN HALF A SEMESTER
HAD PASSED
1626
01:03:40,130 --> 01:03:42,970
AND MY DEBUTANTE OF THE DARK,
MY DOLL OF DESTINY,
1627
01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:44,570
HADN'T PRESENTED HERSELF.
1628
01:03:44,601 --> 01:03:47,541
I HAD ALMOST LOST ALL HOPE
WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENED.
1629
01:03:50,574 --> 01:03:51,914
MATTHEW?
1630
01:03:51,942 --> 01:03:52,582
YOU'RE HERE!
1631
01:03:52,609 --> 01:03:54,479
OH, MY GOD!
1632
01:03:54,511 --> 01:03:57,311
YOU KNOW MY NAME.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
1633
01:03:57,347 --> 01:03:59,577
STOP TRYING TO FIND ME.
1634
01:03:59,616 --> 01:04:00,946
WHAT?
1635
01:04:00,985 --> 01:04:04,115
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO FIND ME.
1636
01:04:04,154 --> 01:04:06,324
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS
FOR A SECOND?
1637
01:04:06,356 --> 01:04:08,086
THERE'S NOTHING
TO TALK ABOUT.
1638
01:04:08,125 --> 01:04:09,555
I DON'T LIKE YOU.
1639
01:04:11,128 --> 01:04:12,958
UH, WAIT. CAN YOU...
1640
01:04:12,997 --> 01:04:14,057
WAIT--HEY, WAIT.
1641
01:04:16,633 --> 01:04:18,473
[DING]
1642
01:04:18,502 --> 01:04:20,502
I CHASED HER LIKE
I WAS POPEYE DOYLE
1643
01:04:20,537 --> 01:04:22,237
CHASING THAT TRAIN
IN THE FRENCH CONNECTION.
1644
01:04:22,272 --> 01:04:24,242
[PANTING]
[ENGINE RACES]
1645
01:04:24,274 --> 01:04:25,914
[TIRES SCREECH]
1646
01:04:25,943 --> 01:04:28,953
[ENGINE RACING]
1647
01:04:28,979 --> 01:04:29,949
[SCREECH]
1648
01:04:29,980 --> 01:04:31,150
[CRASH]
1649
01:04:31,181 --> 01:04:32,321
Woman: OH!
Matt: GOT YOU!
1650
01:04:33,918 --> 01:04:35,088
OH...
1651
01:04:42,659 --> 01:04:44,089
[DING]
I'D LOST HER.
1652
01:04:55,172 --> 01:04:56,572
DO YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?
1653
01:04:56,606 --> 01:04:59,906
NO, I'M OK.
1654
01:04:59,944 --> 01:05:01,654
Matt: MY ANTI-INTIMACY
FORCE FIELD
1655
01:05:01,678 --> 01:05:03,408
WAS ON AUTO-PILOT.
1656
01:05:03,447 --> 01:05:06,447
COME ON. IT MIGHT
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
1657
01:05:06,483 --> 01:05:08,653
I WAS FEELING SO BAD,
I DECIDED
1658
01:05:08,685 --> 01:05:12,015
TO PUT THE ANTI-INTIMACY
ON MANUAL. I LOWERED IT.
1659
01:05:12,056 --> 01:05:13,616
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
1660
01:05:20,697 --> 01:05:22,597
I FIGURED
SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND,
1661
01:05:22,632 --> 01:05:25,472
YOU KNOW, OR SHE WAS
DRUNK THAT NIGHT
1662
01:05:25,502 --> 01:05:27,242
AND SHE DIDN'T
REMEMBER...
1663
01:05:27,271 --> 01:05:28,471
YOU KNOW, OR
I DELUDED MYSELF
1664
01:05:28,505 --> 01:05:29,635
INTO THINKING
THAT SHE THOUGHT
1665
01:05:29,673 --> 01:05:32,413
I WAS SOME PRE-MED
OR PRE-LAW ADONIS,
1666
01:05:32,442 --> 01:05:33,182
YOU KNOW,
THAT WOULDN'T CARE
1667
01:05:33,210 --> 01:05:35,150
WHEN I FOUND HER.
1668
01:05:35,179 --> 01:05:36,149
I NEVER THOUGHT
1669
01:05:36,180 --> 01:05:39,050
IT WAS BECAUSE
SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME.
1670
01:05:39,083 --> 01:05:41,623
WELL, MAYBE THERE'S
ANOTHER REASON.
1671
01:05:41,651 --> 01:05:43,221
I DON'T THINK SO.
1672
01:05:43,253 --> 01:05:44,453
I JUST
SHOULD HAVE FIGURED
1673
01:05:44,488 --> 01:05:45,688
IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH ME.
1674
01:05:45,722 --> 01:05:48,632
TESTOSTERONE MUST
REALLY FUEL THE EGO
1675
01:05:48,658 --> 01:05:51,228
BECAUSE I HAVE STORED
UP PLENTY OF BOTH.
1676
01:05:51,261 --> 01:05:54,601
I'M JUST A BIG STEAMING
PILE OF LOSER.
1677
01:05:54,631 --> 01:05:57,131
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
1678
01:05:57,167 --> 01:05:59,537
IT'S MIDNIGHT,
AND I'M CLEANING MY ROOM.
1679
01:05:59,569 --> 01:06:01,039
IS YOUR MOM COMIN'
TO VISIT TOMORROW?
1680
01:06:01,071 --> 01:06:02,371
YEAH, YOU GUESSED IT.
[LAUGHS]
1681
01:06:04,741 --> 01:06:07,011
HOW DO YOU GET ALONG
WITH YOUR FOLKS?
1682
01:06:07,044 --> 01:06:08,684
IN NINTH GRADE,
1683
01:06:08,712 --> 01:06:11,222
I WANTED TO READ
THESE JAMES BOND NOVELS.
1684
01:06:11,248 --> 01:06:12,618
MY MOM WOULDN'T
LET ME READ THEM
1685
01:06:12,649 --> 01:06:15,349
UNLESS MY FATHER CUT OUT
THE SEX SCENES, AND...
1686
01:06:15,385 --> 01:06:16,345
SHE SAID, YOU KNOW,
"THINGS LIKE THAT
1687
01:06:16,386 --> 01:06:17,646
DON'T REALLY HAPPEN
IN REAL LIFE,"
1688
01:06:17,687 --> 01:06:19,517
AND THEY CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO ME.
1689
01:06:19,556 --> 01:06:21,356
THE NEXT YEAR,
I HAD TO GET GLASSES,
1690
01:06:21,391 --> 01:06:22,361
AND I BEGGED MY MOM
1691
01:06:22,392 --> 01:06:24,032
TO LET ME GET
CONTACT LENSES.
1692
01:06:24,061 --> 01:06:25,331
I SAID, "IF I GET
GLASSES, MOM,
1693
01:06:25,362 --> 01:06:26,532
I COULDN'T BE HANDSOME
LIKE JAMES BOND."
1694
01:06:28,465 --> 01:06:29,495
SHE JUST NEVER
LET ME FEEL
1695
01:06:29,533 --> 01:06:32,143
LIKE I COULD BE SEXY.
1696
01:06:32,169 --> 01:06:34,139
I STILL FEEL THAT WAY.
1697
01:06:34,171 --> 01:06:37,571
GOD. YOU KNOW,
1698
01:06:37,607 --> 01:06:39,437
PARENTS ARE ALWAYS TRYING
TO TURN US INTO SOMETHING
1699
01:06:39,476 --> 01:06:41,476
THAT WE DON'T WANNA BE.
I MEAN,
1700
01:06:41,511 --> 01:06:42,781
I WISH I COULD BE MORE
1701
01:06:42,812 --> 01:06:45,752
THAN MY PARENTS' PERFECT
LITTLE GIRL, YOU KNOW?
1702
01:06:47,517 --> 01:06:49,217
I JUST--AAH!
1703
01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:52,360
[CHUCKLES]
HEY,
1704
01:06:52,389 --> 01:06:54,619
KINDA
LOOKS LIKE FUN.
1705
01:06:54,658 --> 01:06:58,098
NO, WAIT.
ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO.
1706
01:06:58,128 --> 01:06:59,258
NOW WE'RE EVEN.
1707
01:06:59,296 --> 01:07:01,566
REALLY.
[LAUGHS]
1708
01:07:01,598 --> 01:07:03,598
* IF I EVER THOUGHT
1709
01:07:03,633 --> 01:07:05,573
* I CAN TRACE IT
BACK TO YOU *
1710
01:07:05,602 --> 01:07:07,672
* IF I GO OUTSIDE
1711
01:07:07,704 --> 01:07:10,644
* I'M ONLY TRYIN'
TO FIND YOU *
1712
01:07:10,674 --> 01:07:13,114
* IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN *
1713
01:07:13,143 --> 01:07:16,353
* JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN *
1714
01:07:19,549 --> 01:07:21,649
* IT'S JUST
A DREAM I'M IN *
1715
01:07:21,685 --> 01:07:24,645
* TRYIN' TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION *
1716
01:07:32,329 --> 01:07:34,359
* GO TO MY SCREEN
1717
01:07:34,398 --> 01:07:36,428
* ZOOM INTO ME
1718
01:07:36,466 --> 01:07:38,536
* WROTE A POEM
JUST FOR YOU *
1719
01:07:38,568 --> 01:07:41,368
* WON'T RHYME
UNTIL YOU'RE MINE *
1720
01:07:41,405 --> 01:07:43,505
* IT'S JUST A DREAM I'M IN
1721
01:07:43,540 --> 01:07:46,240
* JUST TO GET
TO TOUCH YOUR SKIN *
1722
01:07:49,746 --> 01:07:52,776
[BELL TOLLS]
1723
01:08:02,459 --> 01:08:05,829
HI, MOM.
1724
01:08:05,862 --> 01:08:08,372
THIS IS MATT.
1725
01:08:08,398 --> 01:08:11,538
Matt: FINALS WERE NEARING,
1726
01:08:11,568 --> 01:08:13,238
AND SO WAS THE END
OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.
1727
01:08:13,270 --> 01:08:15,270
I WAS RUNNING
OUT OF TIME.
1728
01:08:15,305 --> 01:08:17,305
LOOK WHAT IT DID
1729
01:08:17,341 --> 01:08:19,311
TO MY PRIDE
AND PREJUDICE TAPE.
1730
01:08:19,343 --> 01:08:21,453
THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.
1731
01:08:21,478 --> 01:08:23,208
Matthew: I HAD
ONE LAST CHANCE.
1732
01:08:23,247 --> 01:08:23,877
ONE LAST STRATEGY.
1733
01:08:23,913 --> 01:08:25,553
[HUMS]
1734
01:08:25,582 --> 01:08:28,252
IF I IMPROVE MYSELF,
I MEAN, DOING MORE
1735
01:08:28,285 --> 01:08:29,485
THAN JUST KEEPING
MY FINGERNAILS TRIMMED
1736
01:08:29,519 --> 01:08:31,159
FOR GOING TO THIRD BASE,
1737
01:08:31,188 --> 01:08:35,288
MAYBE MY KISMETIC DESTINY MIGHT
CHANGE HER OPINION OF ME.
1738
01:08:35,325 --> 01:08:37,685
SHE WAS OUT THERE
SOMEWHERE WATCHING ME.
1739
01:08:37,727 --> 01:08:40,227
I DECIDED THE FIRST STEP
IN MY TAKING
1740
01:08:40,264 --> 01:08:42,274
A SCOURING PAD TO MY SOUL
1741
01:08:42,299 --> 01:08:43,669
WAS TO MAKE
PEACE IN THE GENDER WAR.
1742
01:08:43,700 --> 01:08:45,240
ANOTHER POINT,
PUSSIES?
1743
01:08:45,269 --> 01:08:46,499
FORGET IT.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
1744
01:08:46,536 --> 01:08:48,636
OH, COME ON. JUST ONE
MORE GAME. COME ON.
1745
01:08:48,672 --> 01:08:50,612
HEY, I'LL PLAY.
1746
01:08:50,640 --> 01:08:51,680
Matt: I WAS AMAZED
BY HOW WELL
1747
01:08:51,708 --> 01:08:53,778
ARLENE AND I
COMPLIMENTED EACH OTHER.
1748
01:08:53,810 --> 01:08:55,580
ARLENE HAD A SOFT TOUCH,
1749
01:08:55,612 --> 01:08:57,282
KNOWING JUST WHERE
TO SET ME UP
1750
01:08:57,314 --> 01:08:59,754
WHICH LET MY POWER GAME
DO ITS MAGIC.
1751
01:09:02,386 --> 01:09:04,416
SHE WAS
AN EXCELLENT CHEERLEADER.
1752
01:09:04,454 --> 01:09:06,124
SHE NEVER GOT PISSED
WHEN I BLEW A POINT.
1753
01:09:07,691 --> 01:09:09,391
THAT'S OK.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
1754
01:09:09,426 --> 01:09:10,656
YOU'RE DOIN' GOOD. YOU'LL
GET IT NEXT TIME. IT'S OK.
1755
01:09:10,694 --> 01:09:11,464
Matt:
MY BALLS-OUT ENERGY
1756
01:09:11,495 --> 01:09:13,825
DROVE HER TO NEW
PERFORMANCE HEIGHTS.
1757
01:09:13,863 --> 01:09:17,203
COME ON, ARLENE.
SMOKE 'EM. SMOKE 'EM.
1758
01:09:17,234 --> 01:09:18,204
All: YEAH!
1759
01:09:20,737 --> 01:09:22,667
Matt: IT'S LIKE OUR
MASCULINE AND FEMININE SIDES
1760
01:09:22,706 --> 01:09:24,406
BROUGHT OUT
THE BEST IN EACH OTHER.
1761
01:09:24,441 --> 01:09:25,411
LET'S DO IT.
YOU CAN GET 'EM.
1762
01:09:25,442 --> 01:09:26,742
YOU CAN DO IT.
COME ON.
1763
01:09:26,776 --> 01:09:29,176
Matt: WE WENT TOGETHER
LIKE YIN AND YANG.
1764
01:09:29,213 --> 01:09:30,653
POTATO CHIPS
AND SODA.
1765
01:09:30,680 --> 01:09:32,820
MEN AND WOMEN.
1766
01:09:32,849 --> 01:09:34,419
BECAUSE CRICK
AND HIS BUFF BUDDY
1767
01:09:34,451 --> 01:09:35,651
HAD THE SAME STYLES,
1768
01:09:35,685 --> 01:09:37,545
THEY OFTEN COLLIDED.
1769
01:09:37,587 --> 01:09:38,757
THEY WERE
MISSING SOMETHING.
1770
01:09:38,788 --> 01:09:41,428
THEY HAD THE POWER,
BUT NO STRATEGY.
1771
01:09:41,458 --> 01:09:43,758
THERE WAS TOO MUCH
EGO ON THEIR SIDE.
1772
01:09:43,793 --> 01:09:45,433
THEY SPENT MORE TIME
FIGHTING EACH OTHER
1773
01:09:45,462 --> 01:09:46,362
THAN BATTLING US.
1774
01:09:46,396 --> 01:09:50,626
YOU KEEP YOUR ARM
ON THE SIDE OF YOUR GOAL!
1775
01:09:53,470 --> 01:09:55,470
THAT'S GAME, GUYS.
AND MATCH.
1776
01:09:56,873 --> 01:09:59,283
NOW DROP 'EM.
YOU CHEATED!
1777
01:09:59,309 --> 01:10:01,279
[GIRLS LAUGH]
1778
01:10:01,311 --> 01:10:03,651
Girl: LET'S SEE THOSE
TROPHIES, BOYS.
1779
01:10:03,680 --> 01:10:05,780
COME ON, LET'S SEE 'EM.
1780
01:10:05,815 --> 01:10:09,445
GIRLS, IT'S JUST BECAUSE
IT'S COLD IN HERE.
1781
01:10:09,486 --> 01:10:10,916
IT'S FREEZING, I SWEAR!
1782
01:10:10,954 --> 01:10:12,224
OH, YEAH.
1783
01:10:12,256 --> 01:10:13,416
[ALL LAUGH]
1784
01:10:13,457 --> 01:10:14,817
Matt: I KNOW
SOMETIMES YOU THINK
1785
01:10:14,858 --> 01:10:16,728
GUYS LIKE ME CAN
BE PIGS, BASICALLY.
1786
01:10:16,760 --> 01:10:19,430
FORGET IT. I GET A LITTLE
SENSITIVE SOMETIMES.
1787
01:10:19,463 --> 01:10:21,233
IT COMES FROM GROWIN' UP
WITH 6 BROTHERS.
1788
01:10:21,265 --> 01:10:22,325
NO, I KNOW, BUT LISTEN.
1789
01:10:22,366 --> 01:10:23,666
I MEAN, I WANNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
1790
01:10:23,700 --> 01:10:24,700
IT'S HARD
FOR ME SOMETIMES
1791
01:10:24,734 --> 01:10:26,344
TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO BE A MAN.
1792
01:10:26,370 --> 01:10:28,270
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
1793
01:10:28,305 --> 01:10:30,565
I CAN BLAME MY FATHER
A LITTLE BIT FOR THAT.
1794
01:10:30,607 --> 01:10:32,007
MY MALE ROLE MODEL.
1795
01:10:32,041 --> 01:10:33,611
MY DAD LOVES
ICE CREAM SO MUCH,
1796
01:10:33,643 --> 01:10:35,353
HE'D DO ANYTHING
TO GET IT,
1797
01:10:35,379 --> 01:10:37,009
AND MORE THAN ONCE,
YOU KNOW, I'D WATCH HIM
1798
01:10:37,046 --> 01:10:38,516
RUNNING OUT IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET
1799
01:10:38,548 --> 01:10:40,348
IN HIS UNDERWEAR AFTER
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK.
1800
01:10:42,018 --> 01:10:44,248
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO TEACH ME TO BE A MAN?
1801
01:10:44,288 --> 01:10:46,418
RIGHT? YOU KNOW,
BACK IN THE DAY,
1802
01:10:46,456 --> 01:10:47,616
BOYS WOULD GO OUT
WITH THEIR FATHERS
1803
01:10:47,657 --> 01:10:48,987
IN THE FIELD AND WORK,
1804
01:10:49,025 --> 01:10:51,955
OR THEY'D TAKE A WEEKEND
AND THEY'D GO HUNTING.
1805
01:10:51,995 --> 01:10:54,625
AT THEIR FATHER'S SIDES,
BOYS LEARNED TO BE MEN.
1806
01:10:54,664 --> 01:10:56,634
BUT WITH THE COMING
OF THE COMPUTER AGE,
1807
01:10:56,666 --> 01:10:57,766
BOYS ARE JUST
LEFT AT HOME
1808
01:10:57,801 --> 01:10:59,341
AND THE FATHERS
ARE AT THEIR OFFICES.
1809
01:10:59,369 --> 01:11:00,969
THERE'S NO MORE
APPRENTICESHIPS LEFT.
1810
01:11:01,004 --> 01:11:02,514
YOU KNOW, SO WHERE
DOES THAT LEAVE US?
1811
01:11:02,539 --> 01:11:03,869
WELL, IT LEAVES ME
IN THE STREET
1812
01:11:03,907 --> 01:11:06,007
LOOKING AT MY FATHER
IN HIS UNDERWEAR
1813
01:11:06,042 --> 01:11:07,782
EATING AN ICE CREAM
SANDWICH.
1814
01:11:07,811 --> 01:11:08,851
SOME ROLE MODEL.
RIGHT.
1815
01:11:10,680 --> 01:11:11,850
IF I'M NOT
ABLE TO GRASP
1816
01:11:11,881 --> 01:11:13,321
WHAT IT IS TO BE
A MAN,
1817
01:11:13,350 --> 01:11:15,050
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN?
1818
01:11:15,084 --> 01:11:17,024
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
1819
01:11:17,053 --> 01:11:18,823
I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WOMEN
BETTER THAN MOST MEN.
1820
01:11:18,855 --> 01:11:20,355
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
1821
01:11:20,390 --> 01:11:21,830
[CLINK]
1822
01:11:23,960 --> 01:11:25,630
Matt: I LOVE WOMEN.
1823
01:11:25,662 --> 01:11:28,772
I LOVE THOSE EMBER POOLS
MASQUERADING AS EYES.
1824
01:11:28,798 --> 01:11:31,668
LIPS. I LOVE SMILES.
1825
01:11:31,701 --> 01:11:34,471
AND THE YAWNS.
THE EATING.
1826
01:11:36,072 --> 01:11:39,782
WITH SKIN SO SOFT, WOMEN
ARE HEAD-TO-TOE CASHMERE.
1827
01:11:43,079 --> 01:11:45,349
A WOMAN'S SKIN
INSPIRES A MAN'S FINGERS
1828
01:11:45,382 --> 01:11:47,352
TO HAVE MAGELLAN'S
LOVE OF EXPLORATION.
1829
01:11:52,356 --> 01:11:54,356
IT'S WOMEN'S BELLIES
THAT DRIVE ME WILD.
1830
01:11:58,695 --> 01:12:00,025
IT'S MORE THAN JUST THE FACT
1831
01:12:00,063 --> 01:12:01,833
THAT IT'S THE ONLY PART
OF A WOMAN'S BODY
1832
01:12:01,865 --> 01:12:03,295
YOU CAN EASILY SEE NAKED.
1833
01:12:06,069 --> 01:12:07,839
THE BELLY HINTS
AT THE PLEASURES BEYOND.
1834
01:12:10,640 --> 01:12:13,910
YOU'RE SO NEAR
AND YET SO FAR.
1835
01:12:17,881 --> 01:12:20,021
EVERYTHING ABOUT A WOMAN
DRAWS YOU TO HER SEXUALITY.
1836
01:12:25,655 --> 01:12:27,555
THE SMALL TRIANGLE
BETWEEN HER LEGS
1837
01:12:27,591 --> 01:12:28,861
IS LIKE
THE HEAD OF AN ARROW
1838
01:12:28,892 --> 01:12:31,632
WHICH POINTS GO HERE!
GO HERE!
1839
01:12:31,661 --> 01:12:33,131
OR IF YOU FOLLOW
1840
01:12:33,162 --> 01:12:36,002
THE GRACEFUL LINE
OF THE PECTORALIS MAJOR,
1841
01:12:36,032 --> 01:12:39,502
IT INEVITABLY DRAWS YOUR EYES
TO THE GOLDEN ORBS
1842
01:12:39,536 --> 01:12:42,506
CLIMAXED BY THE NIPPLE.
1843
01:12:42,539 --> 01:12:44,609
GOD IS IN THE DETAILS,
1844
01:12:44,641 --> 01:12:46,911
AND THE NIPPLE
IS HIS GREATEST DETAIL.
1845
01:12:49,913 --> 01:12:51,883
DORA LOVED THE VIDEO
I MADE OF HER,
1846
01:12:51,915 --> 01:12:53,545
BUT I COULDN'T TAKE
THE CREDIT.
1847
01:12:53,583 --> 01:12:55,853
I TOLD HER THAT 95%
OF DIRECTING IS CASTING.
1848
01:12:58,422 --> 01:12:59,462
SEE? YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
1849
01:13:14,938 --> 01:13:16,968
SO, CYNTHIA, WHY AREN'T YOU
OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT?
1850
01:13:18,508 --> 01:13:19,778
OH.
[GLASS BREAKS]
1851
01:13:19,809 --> 01:13:21,909
BECAUSE MY FACE GOT
FLATTENED LIKE ROAD KILL
1852
01:13:21,945 --> 01:13:23,405
AFTER THE COUCH
FELL ON ME.
1853
01:13:23,447 --> 01:13:25,777
SORRY.
1854
01:13:25,815 --> 01:13:27,075
Matt: IT WAS WEIRD
1855
01:13:27,116 --> 01:13:28,486
THAT I FELT COMFORTABLE
TALKING TO HER
1856
01:13:28,518 --> 01:13:31,088
NOW THAT HER LOOKS
DIDN'T DISTRACT ME.
1857
01:13:31,120 --> 01:13:32,920
SHE WAS THE SAME GIRL,
REALLY.
1858
01:13:32,956 --> 01:13:34,756
SO, WHAT ARE YOU
READING?
1859
01:13:34,791 --> 01:13:36,091
WORLD RELIGION AND US.
1860
01:13:36,125 --> 01:13:37,755
THIS GUY WAS SUPPOSED
1861
01:13:37,794 --> 01:13:38,734
TO GIVE ME HIS NOTES
AFTER CLASS,
1862
01:13:38,762 --> 01:13:40,662
BUT HE NEVER
CALLED ME BACK.
1863
01:13:40,697 --> 01:13:41,927
YOU KNOW,
I WAS READING
1864
01:13:41,965 --> 01:13:43,165
ABOUT THESE
RELIGIOUS SCHOLARS
1865
01:13:43,199 --> 01:13:44,969
THAT WERE LOOKING
BACK IN BIBLICAL TIMES,
1866
01:13:45,001 --> 01:13:46,441
AND THEY FOUND OUT
THAT THE PHRASE
1867
01:13:46,470 --> 01:13:47,440
"WALKING ON WATER"
1868
01:13:47,471 --> 01:13:49,141
REALLY MEANT
WALKING BY THE WATER.
1869
01:13:49,172 --> 01:13:50,942
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?
1870
01:13:50,974 --> 01:13:52,144
SO, PERHAPS
JESUS DIDN'T PERFORM
1871
01:13:52,175 --> 01:13:53,775
ANY OF THOSE MIRACLES
AT ALL.
1872
01:13:53,810 --> 01:13:55,080
WE JUST THOUGHT HE DID
BECAUSE WE MADE
1873
01:13:55,111 --> 01:13:56,551
A MISTAKE
IN THE TRANSLATIONS.
1874
01:13:56,580 --> 01:13:58,110
I HEAR YA,
1875
01:13:58,147 --> 01:13:59,817
BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT'S REALLY MESSED UP?
1876
01:13:59,849 --> 01:14:02,649
I MEAN,
GOD LOVES US, RIGHT?
1877
01:14:02,686 --> 01:14:03,646
THEN WHY DOES HE LET
1878
01:14:03,687 --> 01:14:05,757
BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO GOOD PEOPLE?
1879
01:14:05,789 --> 01:14:07,919
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS JUST
1880
01:14:07,957 --> 01:14:09,757
GOD HAS A PLAN FOR
EVERYBODY, RIGHT?
1881
01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:12,033
YEAH.
1882
01:14:12,061 --> 01:14:14,661
YEAH, WELL, HIS PLAN
FOR ME SUCKS!
1883
01:14:14,698 --> 01:14:17,468
[CRASH]
WHOA.
1884
01:14:21,204 --> 01:14:23,514
WOW. YOU'VE GOT
STRONG LEGS.
1885
01:14:23,540 --> 01:14:24,840
[SIGHS]
1886
01:14:24,874 --> 01:14:27,544
Matt: I HAD BEEN
AVOIDING PATTY FOR A WHILE.
1887
01:14:27,577 --> 01:14:28,977
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO
HANDLE IT,
1888
01:14:29,012 --> 01:14:31,012
BUT I WAS THINKING
ABOUT HER,
1889
01:14:31,047 --> 01:14:32,617
SO FRANCESCA
WENT TO HANG OUT WITH HER.
1890
01:14:32,649 --> 01:14:33,819
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK
1891
01:14:33,850 --> 01:14:35,790
ABOUT THAT
MAINTENANCE GUY, MATT?
1892
01:14:35,819 --> 01:14:37,689
HE'S NOT MY TYPE,
REALLY.
1893
01:14:37,721 --> 01:14:39,961
WELL, HOW'S THAT?
1894
01:14:39,989 --> 01:14:42,759
I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST SORT
OF SEEMS DISTRACTED TO ME.
1895
01:14:42,792 --> 01:14:44,192
[CHOMPING]
1896
01:14:44,227 --> 01:14:45,157
Matt: IT WAS THEN
THAT I HEARD
1897
01:14:45,194 --> 01:14:48,064
THE TELLTALE CRACKING
OF CRICK'S NICOTINE GUM.
1898
01:14:51,034 --> 01:14:52,604
PATTY, I JUST HEARD
1899
01:14:52,636 --> 01:14:54,066
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOIN'
WITH MR. FIXIT.
1900
01:14:54,103 --> 01:14:56,043
CAN WE PLEASE JUST
TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
1901
01:14:56,072 --> 01:14:57,012
NO, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!
1902
01:14:57,040 --> 01:14:58,640
PLEASE,
JUST LET GO OF ME!
1903
01:14:58,675 --> 01:15:00,235
LET GO! PATTY, GO!
1904
01:15:00,276 --> 01:15:02,506
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU MUSCLIN' ME TOO, HUH?
1905
01:15:02,546 --> 01:15:04,546
LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST
THE TWO OF US, HUH?
1906
01:15:04,581 --> 01:15:06,821
HUH? NOW, RELAX,
1907
01:15:06,850 --> 01:15:08,790
AND WE'LL GET ALONG
JUST FINE.
1908
01:15:08,818 --> 01:15:10,688
OH, DO WE SWEAT,
TOO, HUH?
1909
01:15:10,720 --> 01:15:13,590
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE,
OK? JUST RELAX.
1910
01:15:13,623 --> 01:15:15,993
Matt: CRICK WAS CHEWING
HIS NICOTINE GUM IN MY EAR.
1911
01:15:16,025 --> 01:15:18,725
LIKE KRYPTONITE,
IT DRAINED ANY SUPERPOWERS
1912
01:15:18,762 --> 01:15:20,562
I HAD LEFT IN MY BODY.
1913
01:15:20,597 --> 01:15:22,567
ALL THAT KEPT
GOING THROUGH MY MIND
1914
01:15:22,599 --> 01:15:25,099
WAS WHAT THE MIGHTY CRICK
HAD IN STORE FOR ME.
1915
01:15:25,134 --> 01:15:26,844
YEAH, YEAH, YOU LIKE IT?
1916
01:15:26,870 --> 01:15:29,670
'CAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE IT
TO YOU GOOD, YEAH. YEAH.
1917
01:15:29,706 --> 01:15:32,106
[LAUGHS]
NOW, GIVE US A KISS.
1918
01:15:35,879 --> 01:15:37,709
Matt: I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
1919
01:15:37,747 --> 01:15:38,717
THIS WAS NOT THE NIGHT
1920
01:15:38,748 --> 01:15:40,048
THAT THIS LITTLE GIRL,
FRANCESCA,
1921
01:15:40,083 --> 01:15:41,593
WAS TO BECOME A GROWN WOMAN.
1922
01:15:41,618 --> 01:15:43,018
AAH!
1923
01:15:45,622 --> 01:15:46,522
[SCREAMS]
1924
01:15:50,259 --> 01:15:52,759
Matt: I READ LATER
THAT 4,000 WOMEN A YEAR
1925
01:15:52,796 --> 01:15:54,996
ARE MURDERED BY THEIR
BOYFRIENDS OR HUSBANDS.
1926
01:15:55,031 --> 01:15:58,231
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN,
BUT FOR A MOMENT,
1927
01:15:58,267 --> 01:16:00,597
I HAD AN INKLING ABOUT
THEIR FEELINGS TOWARDS MEN.
1928
01:16:00,637 --> 01:16:03,207
I DIDN'T TELL ANYONE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
1929
01:16:03,239 --> 01:16:05,209
I WAS TOO ASHAMED.
1930
01:16:05,241 --> 01:16:07,141
AND IF THAT WASN'T
BAD ENOUGH,
1931
01:16:07,176 --> 01:16:08,946
I DISCOVERED ROD
CHOKING THE CHICKEN
1932
01:16:08,978 --> 01:16:10,578
TO THE VIDEO
I HAD MADE OF DORA.
1933
01:16:12,716 --> 01:16:14,016
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DICK?
1934
01:16:18,087 --> 01:16:21,787
OH. IT'S CALLED
HYPOSPADIAS.
1935
01:16:21,825 --> 01:16:24,255
IT'S WHERE THE HOLE
IN YOUR DICK, IT'S...
1936
01:16:24,293 --> 01:16:25,863
IT'S NOT ON THE TIP,
BUT IT'S, YOU KNOW,
1937
01:16:25,895 --> 01:16:27,095
IT'S UNDERNEATH.
1938
01:16:27,130 --> 01:16:29,270
SPOOKY.
IT'S KINDA LIKE
1939
01:16:29,298 --> 01:16:31,638
HAVING YOUR MOUTH
BELOW YOUR CHIN.
1940
01:16:31,668 --> 01:16:33,868
YEAH, SORTA.
1941
01:16:33,903 --> 01:16:35,043
HEY, HEY, DON'T--
1942
01:16:35,071 --> 01:16:36,871
DON'T TELL ANYONE,
ALL RIGHT?
1943
01:16:36,906 --> 01:16:37,866
I MEAN, ESPECIALLY
THOSE GIRLS
1944
01:16:37,907 --> 01:16:38,677
YOU BEEN
HANGIN' OUT WITH.
1945
01:16:38,708 --> 01:16:40,038
I MEAN...
1946
01:16:40,076 --> 01:16:40,936
I SHOWED IT
TO A GIRL ONCE
1947
01:16:40,977 --> 01:16:42,277
AND SHE--
SHE FREAKED OUT.
1948
01:16:42,311 --> 01:16:44,851
Matt: IT WAS THEN
I REALIZED
1949
01:16:44,881 --> 01:16:46,081
THIS WAS ROD'S HORROR.
1950
01:16:48,652 --> 01:16:50,292
AAH!
1951
01:16:50,319 --> 01:16:52,089
[SCREAMS]
1952
01:16:52,121 --> 01:16:54,321
[SCREAMS]
1953
01:16:54,357 --> 01:16:55,857
I HAVEN'T
WHIPPED IT OUT
1954
01:16:55,892 --> 01:16:57,892
IN FRONT OF A CHICK
EVER SINCE.
1955
01:16:57,927 --> 01:17:00,897
WOW.
1956
01:17:00,930 --> 01:17:02,170
SO,
HOW DO YOU PEE?
1957
01:17:02,198 --> 01:17:04,168
OH, WELL.
[LAUGHS]
1958
01:17:04,200 --> 01:17:05,330
I USUALLY,
YOU KNOW,
1959
01:17:05,368 --> 01:17:07,868
UH, LIFT IT UP
REAL HIGH, OR...
1960
01:17:07,904 --> 01:17:08,974
YOU KNOW,
IF I'M LAZY,
1961
01:17:09,005 --> 01:17:10,065
I'LL JUST KINDA
1962
01:17:10,106 --> 01:17:12,306
GIVE IT A TWIST
OR SOMETHIN'.
1963
01:17:12,341 --> 01:17:14,381
Matt: SO, THIS IS WHAT
IT WAS ALL ABOUT.
1964
01:17:14,410 --> 01:17:17,180
THE PENILE POWER WAS A WAY
TO PROVE HIS MANHOOD,
1965
01:17:17,213 --> 01:17:19,023
AND TO BUILD HIMSELF UP,
1966
01:17:19,048 --> 01:17:21,648
ROD HAD TO RUN DOWN WOMEN.
1967
01:17:21,685 --> 01:17:23,945
MEN ARE SO INSECURE ABOUT
THEIR MASCULINITY.
1968
01:17:23,987 --> 01:17:25,387
WHAT PATHETIC
CREATURES WE ARE.
1969
01:17:27,691 --> 01:17:29,291
YOU MUST THINK I'M
A TOTAL FAGGOT, DON'T YOU?
1970
01:17:29,325 --> 01:17:32,125
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
1971
01:17:32,161 --> 01:17:33,331
DID YOU EVER SEE
THE JAMES BOND FLICK,
1972
01:17:33,362 --> 01:17:34,432
THE MAN WITH
THE GOLDEN GUN?
1973
01:17:34,463 --> 01:17:36,103
YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?
1974
01:17:36,132 --> 01:17:38,302
REMEMBER HOW SCARAMANGA
HAD THAT THIRD NIPPLE?
1975
01:17:38,334 --> 01:17:39,874
YEAH, SO?
1976
01:17:39,903 --> 01:17:41,343
IT WAS CALLED
THE SUPERFLUOUS PAPULE.
1977
01:17:41,370 --> 01:17:42,240
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
1978
01:17:42,271 --> 01:17:44,311
AND BOND HAD Q MAKE
A FAKE ONE SO HE COULD
1979
01:17:44,340 --> 01:17:46,440
GET INTO SCARAMANGA'S
HIDEOUT, RIGHT?
1980
01:17:46,475 --> 01:17:48,675
YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.
THE THIRD NIPPLE
1981
01:17:48,712 --> 01:17:50,412
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A SIGN OF SEXUAL VIRILITY.
1982
01:17:50,446 --> 01:17:52,016
ALL RIGHT,
SO MAYBE YOUR PENIS
1983
01:17:52,048 --> 01:17:54,118
DOESN'T MAKE YOU
AN ELEPHANT MAN.
1984
01:17:54,150 --> 01:17:56,450
MAYBE IT MAKES YOU
A SUPERMAN.
1985
01:17:56,485 --> 01:17:58,855
[LAUGHS]
COOL.
1986
01:17:58,888 --> 01:17:59,958
Matt: I HAD LEARNED
SOMETHING
1987
01:17:59,989 --> 01:18:01,759
FROM ROD'S
GROINULAR FIXATION.
1988
01:18:01,791 --> 01:18:04,061
HIS HORROR REALLY WAS
MY HORROR, TOO.
1989
01:18:04,093 --> 01:18:06,703
IT WAS EVERY
MAN'S HORROR.
1990
01:18:06,730 --> 01:18:08,230
DENY IT WE MAY,
1991
01:18:08,264 --> 01:18:10,134
BUT WE ARE ALL
AFRAID OF WOMEN.
1992
01:18:10,166 --> 01:18:12,196
EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF THEM.
1993
01:18:12,235 --> 01:18:14,035
TIME HAD RUN OUT.
1994
01:18:14,070 --> 01:18:16,240
FINALS WERE IN A WEEK.
1995
01:18:16,272 --> 01:18:18,912
SOON, EVERYONE WOULD
BE LEAVING THE DORMS,
1996
01:18:18,942 --> 01:18:20,482
AND NEXT SEMESTER,
SOME WOULD RELOCATE
1997
01:18:20,509 --> 01:18:22,079
TO OFF-CAMPUS HOUSING.
1998
01:18:22,111 --> 01:18:23,781
IF I HAD ANY HOPE
1999
01:18:23,813 --> 01:18:25,723
OF FINDING
MY KISMETIC DESTINY,
2000
01:18:25,749 --> 01:18:28,079
I HAD TO FACE
MY GREATEST FEAR.
2001
01:18:28,117 --> 01:18:30,847
I WENT TO THE VIRGIN VAULT,
2002
01:18:30,887 --> 01:18:34,487
AND I DECLARED MY LOVE
IN FRONT OF 100 GIRLS.
2003
01:18:34,523 --> 01:18:37,833
I'M MATT.
2004
01:18:37,861 --> 01:18:39,361
Matt: I EXPLAINED
EVERYTHING I HAD DONE
2005
01:18:39,395 --> 01:18:41,325
FOR MY KISMETIC DESTINY.
2006
01:18:41,364 --> 01:18:44,234
MY SPEECH MUST BE
MY SISTINE CHAPEL.
2007
01:18:44,267 --> 01:18:47,037
MY NINTH SYMPHONY.
MY CITIZEN KANE.
2008
01:18:47,070 --> 01:18:49,840
MY WORDS NEEDED TO BE
MORE INSPIRATIONAL
2009
01:18:49,873 --> 01:18:52,243
THAN MARTIN LUTHER KING'S
"I HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH.
2010
01:18:52,275 --> 01:18:53,505
THEY HAD
TO BE MORE MIRACULOUS
2011
01:18:53,542 --> 01:18:55,512
THAN MARK McGWIRE'S
70th HOME RUN.
2012
01:18:55,544 --> 01:18:58,284
I USED IMPRESSIVE WORDS
LIKE "DESTINY,"
2013
01:18:58,314 --> 01:19:00,924
"SOULMATE," AND "YEARNS."
2014
01:19:00,950 --> 01:19:03,120
IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO YEARN.
2015
01:19:03,152 --> 01:19:05,252
I POURED MY HEART OUT.
2016
01:19:05,288 --> 01:19:06,758
WITHOUT YOU,
2017
01:19:06,790 --> 01:19:09,060
I'M AS LONELY AS
AN ABANDONED DOG
2018
01:19:09,092 --> 01:19:11,532
ON THE SIDE
OF A HIGHWAY.
2019
01:19:11,560 --> 01:19:14,000
I HAVE GIFT ANXIETY,
EVEN THOUGH
2020
01:19:14,030 --> 01:19:16,230
I DON'T KNOW
WHEN YOUR BIRTHDAY IS.
2021
01:19:16,265 --> 01:19:18,395
WE CAN SPEND PERFECT DAYS
2022
01:19:18,434 --> 01:19:19,904
SHOPPING
AND COOKING TOGETHER.
2023
01:19:19,936 --> 01:19:21,096
[LAUGHS]
I SWEAR
2024
01:19:21,137 --> 01:19:22,437
I'LL NEVER MAKE WISECRACKS
2025
01:19:22,471 --> 01:19:23,971
WHEN YOU SCRAPE YOUR TIRES
AGAINST THE CURB
2026
01:19:24,007 --> 01:19:26,307
WHILE PARALLEL PARKING.
2027
01:19:26,342 --> 01:19:27,382
IF YOU CAN STAND
TO LIVE WITH ME,
2028
01:19:27,410 --> 01:19:29,210
I'LL CLEAN THE TOILET
EVERY WEEK.
2029
01:19:29,245 --> 01:19:30,945
I'LL DO IT WITH MY TONGUE
IF YOU ASK.
2030
01:19:30,980 --> 01:19:32,480
I WILL STRIKE
THE WORDS "HOOTERS"
2031
01:19:32,515 --> 01:19:34,545
AND "LOVE ROCKETS"
FROM MY VOCABULARY.
2032
01:19:34,583 --> 01:19:36,923
I'LL LOVE YOU
2033
01:19:36,953 --> 01:19:37,893
EVEN IF YOUR NAME'S MIMI
2034
01:19:37,921 --> 01:19:40,391
AND YOU WANT ME
TO PRONOUNCE IT MAE MAE.
2035
01:19:40,423 --> 01:19:42,933
I WILL ONLY PASS GAS
UNDERNEATH THE COVERS
2036
01:19:42,959 --> 01:19:45,459
AND ONLY IN THE DIREST
OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
2037
01:19:45,494 --> 01:19:48,334
YOU KNOW, I'LL GO ON
A LOW CHOLESTEROL DIET,
2038
01:19:48,364 --> 01:19:50,374
AND I WON'T BUY ONE
OF THOSE RED SPORTS CARS
2039
01:19:50,399 --> 01:19:52,239
WHEN I HIT
MY MID-LIFE CRISIS.
2040
01:19:52,268 --> 01:19:54,268
YOUR PARENTS CAN COME
VISIT US EVERY WEEK,
2041
01:19:54,303 --> 01:19:56,073
EVEN IF YOUR MOM
IS A BIG WITCH
2042
01:19:56,105 --> 01:19:57,065
WITH A CAPITAL "B."
2043
01:19:57,106 --> 01:19:58,306
YOU KNOW, AND YOUR FOLKS
2044
01:19:58,341 --> 01:19:59,811
DON'T HAVE
TO GO TO A RETIREMENT HOME
2045
01:19:59,843 --> 01:20:01,413
BECAUSE THEY CAN COME
LIVE WITH US.
2046
01:20:01,444 --> 01:20:05,554
I DECLARE, I WILL SEPARATE
THE WHITES FROM THE COLORS.
2047
01:20:05,581 --> 01:20:06,551
I'LL LEARN THE MYSTERIES
2048
01:20:06,582 --> 01:20:09,022
OF HOT WATER
AND COLD WATER WASHES.
2049
01:20:09,052 --> 01:20:10,252
I'LL NEVER HUFF AND PUFF
2050
01:20:10,286 --> 01:20:12,056
WHILE WAITING FOR YOU
TO PUT ON YOUR MAKEUP.
2051
01:20:12,088 --> 01:20:13,358
IF YOU'RE A CAT PERSON,
2052
01:20:13,389 --> 01:20:14,319
I'LL NEVER POINT OUT
THE FACT
2053
01:20:14,357 --> 01:20:16,057
THAT A DOG COULD SAVE
YOUR LIFE FROM DROWNING
2054
01:20:16,092 --> 01:20:17,462
BUT A CAT CAN'T.
2055
01:20:17,493 --> 01:20:18,903
[LAUGHS]
2056
01:20:18,928 --> 01:20:21,128
I WILL HAPPILY GO SEE
CHICK FLICKS WITH YOU
2057
01:20:21,164 --> 01:20:22,574
LIKE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.
2058
01:20:22,598 --> 01:20:24,998
I'LL MAKE A POINT
TO TRY NEW FOODS
2059
01:20:25,034 --> 01:20:26,574
LIKE OKRA GUMBO.
2060
01:20:26,602 --> 01:20:28,572
I WON'T CURL MY NOSE
AT VEGETABLES
2061
01:20:28,604 --> 01:20:30,044
WHOSE AWFUL TASTE
IS DISGUISED
2062
01:20:30,073 --> 01:20:31,983
BY HAVING CHEESE PUT ON IT.
2063
01:20:32,008 --> 01:20:34,538
I PLEDGE TO ALWAYS SAY YES
WHEN YOU ASK
2064
01:20:34,577 --> 01:20:36,177
"IS MY HAIR
LOOKING OK TONIGHT?"
2065
01:20:37,613 --> 01:20:39,153
I'M GONNA BRING
A WHOLE NEW MEANING
2066
01:20:39,182 --> 01:20:40,322
TO THE WORD "CUDDLE."
2067
01:20:40,349 --> 01:20:41,579
I'LL BE THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH
2068
01:20:41,617 --> 01:20:43,847
TO READ YOUR HOROSCOPE
EVERY DAY.
2069
01:20:43,887 --> 01:20:46,317
I'M GONNA SAVE EVERY
BIRTHDAY CARD YOU SEND ME,
2070
01:20:46,355 --> 01:20:47,415
AND I'LL ACTUALLY
WRITE YOU
2071
01:20:47,456 --> 01:20:49,186
REAL LETTERS
WHEN WE'RE APART.
2072
01:20:49,225 --> 01:20:50,925
I'M NEVER GONNA EXPECT YOU
2073
01:20:50,960 --> 01:20:52,600
TO KNOW
WHERE I LEFT MY CAR KEYS,
2074
01:20:52,628 --> 01:20:55,158
AND I'LL NEVER LEAVE
MY SOCKS ON THE FLOOR.
2075
01:20:55,198 --> 01:20:57,128
WITH ME, YOU'LL FIND
2076
01:20:57,166 --> 01:20:59,166
THE CAP IS ALWAYS
ON THE TOOTHPASTE.
2077
01:20:59,202 --> 01:21:00,442
I'LL START WEARING
2078
01:21:00,469 --> 01:21:03,039
THOSE MALE BIKINI
UNDERWEAR IF YOU LIKE.
2079
01:21:03,072 --> 01:21:06,182
MY BELLY BUTTON
WILL ALWAYS BE LINT FREE.
2080
01:21:06,209 --> 01:21:09,579
I WANNA FULL ON KISS
YOUR CLITORIS.
2081
01:21:09,612 --> 01:21:12,122
IT'LL BE
THE MOST PASSIONATE,
2082
01:21:12,148 --> 01:21:15,078
INTIMATE EXPERIENCE
YOU'VE EVER HAD.
2083
01:21:15,118 --> 01:21:19,188
I DECLARE NOW I WILL
GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU,
2084
01:21:19,222 --> 01:21:21,492
AND IF YOU
FAIL TO COME TO ME,
2085
01:21:21,524 --> 01:21:24,494
I KNOW SOME PART OF ME
WILL SURELY DIE.
2086
01:21:40,176 --> 01:21:41,406
I'M THE ONE, MATT!
2087
01:21:41,444 --> 01:21:44,684
NO, I'M THE ONE!
2088
01:21:44,713 --> 01:21:47,983
NO, I'M THE GIRL
FROM THE ELEVATOR.
2089
01:21:48,017 --> 01:21:50,447
SHUT UP! I'M THE ONE!
2090
01:21:50,486 --> 01:21:52,256
I'M NOT THE ONE
FROM THE ELEVATOR,
2091
01:21:52,288 --> 01:21:53,988
BUT I'LL GO OUT
WITH YOU!
2092
01:21:54,023 --> 01:21:55,993
Matt: OH, MY GOD.
2093
01:21:56,025 --> 01:21:58,485
I COULD HAVE MY CHOICE
OF ANY GIRL.
2094
01:21:58,527 --> 01:22:02,227
WHOEVER I WANTED
COULD BE THE MYSTERY GIRL.
2095
01:22:02,265 --> 01:22:03,565
[ALL SCREAM]
2096
01:22:05,634 --> 01:22:07,204
I KNEW IT WOULD
EAT ME UP INSIDE
2097
01:22:07,236 --> 01:22:09,606
IF I DIDN'T FIND MY TRUE
KISMETIC DESTINY.
2098
01:22:09,638 --> 01:22:11,368
I WOULD ALWAYS WONDER
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
2099
01:22:14,978 --> 01:22:16,478
IT WAS HER!
2100
01:22:16,512 --> 01:22:17,612
I KNEW IT!
2101
01:22:21,584 --> 01:22:23,994
MY HEART AND MY FEET
RACED TO THE DOOR
2102
01:22:24,020 --> 01:22:25,520
OF THE GIRL WHO NEVER
CAME OUT OF HER ROOM.
2103
01:22:31,360 --> 01:22:35,400
THERE SHE WAS.
MY ONCE AND FUTURE LOVE.
2104
01:22:35,431 --> 01:22:38,001
I'M NOT THE GIRL.
2105
01:22:41,104 --> 01:22:43,074
I THINK SHE'S
A COUPLE DOORS DOWN.
2106
01:22:50,279 --> 01:22:51,449
PATTY, I KNOW IT'S YOU.
2107
01:22:57,320 --> 01:22:58,990
GO AWAY.
2108
01:22:59,022 --> 01:23:00,762
PATTY.
2109
01:23:00,789 --> 01:23:02,429
YOU FELL IN LOVE
2110
01:23:02,458 --> 01:23:05,258
WITH ANOTHER GIRL
IN THAT ELEVATOR.
2111
01:23:05,294 --> 01:23:07,534
I'M NOT THAT GIRL.
2112
01:23:07,563 --> 01:23:09,603
I FELL IN LOVE
WITH YOU.
2113
01:23:09,632 --> 01:23:11,132
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
2114
01:23:11,167 --> 01:23:13,667
I TRIED TO MAKE YOU
FALL IN LOVE WITH ME,
2115
01:23:13,702 --> 01:23:16,072
BUT YOU WERE
IN LOVE WITH HER.
2116
01:23:16,105 --> 01:23:19,475
Matt: WHY DO YOU
THINK THAT?
2117
01:23:19,508 --> 01:23:21,108
BY THE WAY
YOU LOOK AT ME.
2118
01:23:26,782 --> 01:23:28,352
GO AWAY.
2119
01:23:28,384 --> 01:23:31,224
IS THAT WHAT
YOU REALLY WANT?
2120
01:23:31,254 --> 01:23:35,164
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
2121
01:23:35,191 --> 01:23:41,031
* NOW, THIS WANDERIN'
2122
01:23:41,064 --> 01:23:47,704
* HAS GOT ME NOTHIN'
2123
01:23:47,736 --> 01:23:50,366
HEY, BUCK UP, MAN.
2124
01:23:50,406 --> 01:23:51,536
IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU GOT WEIGHTS
2125
01:23:51,574 --> 01:23:54,044
DANGLIN'
FROM YOUR DANGLER.
2126
01:23:54,077 --> 01:23:56,077
SMILE.
2127
01:23:56,112 --> 01:23:59,182
Matt: IT WASN'T MY DANGLER
THAT HAD WEIGHTS ON IT.
2128
01:23:59,215 --> 01:24:01,215
IT WAS MY HEART.
2129
01:24:01,250 --> 01:24:03,190
[HUMS]
2130
01:24:06,122 --> 01:24:07,792
[LAUGHS]
2131
01:24:12,295 --> 01:24:14,125
HEY, CHECK IT OUT.
2132
01:24:14,163 --> 01:24:15,433
THE BUST GOT BUSTED.
2133
01:24:15,464 --> 01:24:17,204
IT WAS ONLY
MY FIRST TIME.
2134
01:24:17,233 --> 01:24:18,703
I SWEAR. DAD--
2135
01:24:18,734 --> 01:24:20,844
I TOLD HER NOT TO USE
WATER SOLUBLE INK.
2136
01:24:20,869 --> 01:24:22,269
I KNEW HER CHEAT NOTES
2137
01:24:22,305 --> 01:24:23,765
WOULD SWEAT
RIGHT THROUGH.
2138
01:24:23,806 --> 01:24:25,666
AT LEAST
CYNTHIA'S HAVING
2139
01:24:25,708 --> 01:24:27,438
A GOOD ENDING
TO HER SEMESTER.
2140
01:24:27,476 --> 01:24:29,606
SHE FOUND SOMETHING
SHE'S GENUINELY GOOD AT.
2141
01:24:29,645 --> 01:24:31,145
THAT'S
THE DAMNDEST THING.
2142
01:24:31,180 --> 01:24:32,150
THOSE HEAVY
ANTI-CELLULOID PACKS
2143
01:24:32,181 --> 01:24:33,151
REALLY BUILT UP
THE STRENGTH
2144
01:24:33,182 --> 01:24:34,152
IN HER LEGS, YOU KNOW?
2145
01:24:34,183 --> 01:24:35,053
IF YOU WERE AN
ACTUAL ATTACKER...
2146
01:24:39,788 --> 01:24:41,388
IT WOULD LOOK
SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT.
2147
01:24:41,424 --> 01:24:43,234
SHE COULD KICK SOME ASS!
2148
01:24:43,259 --> 01:24:45,159
Matt:
HER JUDO COACH SAYS
2149
01:24:45,194 --> 01:24:45,794
HE'S NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.
2150
01:24:47,563 --> 01:24:49,633
OK, AND THAT CONCLUDES
2151
01:24:49,665 --> 01:24:51,165
THE MARTIAL ARTS
DEMONSTRATION
2152
01:24:51,200 --> 01:24:52,300
FOR THE NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
2153
01:24:52,335 --> 01:24:54,535
[APPLAUSE]
GREAT.
2154
01:24:56,705 --> 01:24:58,135
THE LAST DAY OF CLASS,
2155
01:24:58,174 --> 01:25:01,684
I DROPPED THE BOMB ON ELSA,
SHE WOLF OF THE SS.
2156
01:25:01,710 --> 01:25:03,250
MS. STERN,
I'M SICK OF COMING
2157
01:25:03,279 --> 01:25:04,709
INTO YOUR CLASS
3 DAYS A WEEK
2158
01:25:04,747 --> 01:25:06,717
AND BEING TOLD THAT
MY SEX IS RESPONSIBLE
2159
01:25:06,749 --> 01:25:08,349
FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS
IN THE WORLD,
2160
01:25:08,384 --> 01:25:10,694
AND YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE US
ANY ROOM FOR QUESTION.
2161
01:25:10,719 --> 01:25:12,859
I THINK PART OF
THE PROBLEM IS FEMINISTS.
2162
01:25:12,888 --> 01:25:15,258
THERE'S JUST TOO MANY
"ISTS" IN THE WORLD.
2163
01:25:15,291 --> 01:25:17,661
FEMINIST, CHAUVINIST,
CAPITALIST, COMMUNIST,
2164
01:25:17,693 --> 01:25:19,833
RACIST, SEXIST...
2165
01:25:19,862 --> 01:25:21,732
THESE ARE ALL GROUPS
THAT FIGHT ONE ANOTHER
2166
01:25:21,764 --> 01:25:23,904
INSTEAD OF TRYING
TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER.
2167
01:25:23,932 --> 01:25:25,372
I THINK THE ONLY
"ISTS"
2168
01:25:25,401 --> 01:25:26,671
THERE SHOULD BE
ARE HUMANISTS.
2169
01:25:26,702 --> 01:25:28,642
YEAH, I AGREE WITH MATT.
2170
01:25:28,671 --> 01:25:31,211
I APPLAUD HIM.
[APPLAUDS]
2171
01:25:31,240 --> 01:25:34,210
[CLASS APPLAUDS]
2172
01:25:39,415 --> 01:25:40,875
Matt: ELSA
COULDN'T RESPOND.
2173
01:25:40,916 --> 01:25:42,786
SHE JUST STOOD THERE,
AS IF SHE HEARD
2174
01:25:42,818 --> 01:25:44,748
THE DISTANT ROAR
OF THE ALLIED BOMBERS
2175
01:25:44,787 --> 01:25:47,317
COMING TO DESTROY
HER PROPAGANDA MACHINE.
2176
01:25:47,356 --> 01:25:49,286
[ALL APPLAUD, CHEER]
2177
01:25:55,231 --> 01:25:57,201
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
2178
01:25:57,233 --> 01:25:58,303
[KNOCKS]
2179
01:25:58,334 --> 01:25:59,944
Matt: WITHOUT HIS TONGUE,
2180
01:25:59,968 --> 01:26:02,308
CRICK SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS
MENTALLY CHALLENGED,
2181
01:26:02,338 --> 01:26:04,808
AND ALTHOUGH CRICK WOULD NEVER
SWEET TALK A GIRL AGAIN,
2182
01:26:04,840 --> 01:26:06,880
HE STILL NEEDED TO BE
ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS.
2183
01:26:06,909 --> 01:26:08,279
COME ON!
2184
01:26:08,311 --> 01:26:09,851
I MADE THE ULTIMATE
SACRIFICE
2185
01:26:09,878 --> 01:26:11,748
A MAN CAN MAKE TO GET RID
OF CRICK FOREVER.
2186
01:26:11,780 --> 01:26:13,320
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BOTHER HER AGAIN.
2187
01:26:13,349 --> 01:26:15,479
YOU GO TO HELL.
2188
01:26:15,518 --> 01:26:16,818
I'M TURNING YOU IN.
2189
01:26:16,852 --> 01:26:18,492
WHAT FOR?
2190
01:26:18,521 --> 01:26:19,491
Matt: I FOUGHT
THROUGH THE SHAME
2191
01:26:19,522 --> 01:26:20,522
TO BRING OUT THE TRUTH.
2192
01:26:20,556 --> 01:26:23,686
I'M GOING TO THE POLICE.
YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME.
2193
01:26:27,563 --> 01:26:30,433
YOU'LL NEVER
PROVE IT.
2194
01:26:30,466 --> 01:26:32,566
Matt: MY BRAVERY
INSPIRED OTHERS.
2195
01:26:32,601 --> 01:26:34,841
HE DID IT
TO ME, TOO.
2196
01:26:34,870 --> 01:26:35,970
ME, TOO.
2197
01:26:36,004 --> 01:26:37,644
AND ME.
2198
01:26:37,673 --> 01:26:39,413
Matt: TOGETHER,
WE PUT CRICK AWAY.
2199
01:26:45,814 --> 01:26:48,584
Matt: WENDY HAD
A BIG CONFESSION.
2200
01:26:48,617 --> 01:26:50,687
I'M A LESBIAN.
2201
01:26:50,719 --> 01:26:52,689
OOH.
2202
01:26:52,721 --> 01:26:53,691
WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?
2203
01:26:55,858 --> 01:26:58,758
I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT
PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.
2204
01:26:58,794 --> 01:27:00,704
ESPECIALLY
MY PARENTS.
2205
01:27:00,729 --> 01:27:02,769
WELL, WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME NOW?
2206
01:27:02,798 --> 01:27:06,738
I THINK I CAN
DEAL WITH IT NOW.
2207
01:27:06,769 --> 01:27:07,899
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
WHY I INITIALLY
2208
01:27:07,936 --> 01:27:10,366
HELPED YOU
WITH YOUR SEARCH.
2209
01:27:10,406 --> 01:27:11,766
I WAS HOPING THAT
2210
01:27:11,807 --> 01:27:14,677
WHILE YOU WERE OUT
FINDING YOUR GIRL,
2211
01:27:14,710 --> 01:27:17,280
YOU MIGHT
FIND ONE FOR ME.
2212
01:27:17,313 --> 01:27:18,483
[BOTH GIGGLE]
2213
01:27:18,514 --> 01:27:20,354
Matt: SO I FIXED
HER UP WITH ARLENE
2214
01:27:20,383 --> 01:27:21,983
WHO I DISCOVERED
A FEW DAYS AGO
2215
01:27:22,017 --> 01:27:24,387
PRACTICED AN ALTERNATIVE
LIFESTYLE, TOO.
2216
01:27:24,420 --> 01:27:27,220
MMM.
[GIGGLES]
2217
01:27:29,725 --> 01:27:31,485
Matt: IT WAS A BIG WEEK.
2218
01:27:31,527 --> 01:27:33,997
I ALSO FOUND TIME
TO FIX DORA AND ROD UP.
2219
01:27:43,071 --> 01:27:46,381
THEIR NIGHT TOGETHER
WAS ELECTRIFYING,
2220
01:27:46,409 --> 01:27:47,879
AND THEY'VE BEEN
TOGETHER EVER SINCE.
2221
01:28:00,055 --> 01:28:02,015
Matt: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS.
2222
01:28:02,057 --> 01:28:05,327
MAYBE IT WAS THE ROMANTIC
POWER OF CANDLELIGHT,
2223
01:28:05,361 --> 01:28:08,031
BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE IT
ONE LAST TRY.
2224
01:28:21,810 --> 01:28:26,320
* I'VE BEEN WATCHIN' YOU
AND ALL YOU DO *
2225
01:28:26,349 --> 01:28:30,389
* FOR QUITE SOME TIME
2226
01:28:34,590 --> 01:28:38,860
* KNOWING ALL THE INS
AND OUTS OF YOU *
2227
01:28:38,894 --> 01:28:43,504
* I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
WHAT WAS ON YOUR MIND *
2228
01:28:47,135 --> 01:28:51,765
* BUT ALL THE WORLD
IS SPINNING ROUND AND ROUND *
2229
01:28:51,807 --> 01:28:55,437
* INSIDE MY HEAD TONIGHT
2230
01:29:01,417 --> 01:29:03,547
Matt: I REMEMBERED
WHAT PATTY TALKED ABOUT.
2231
01:29:03,586 --> 01:29:04,786
THERE'S A CERTAIN WAY
2232
01:29:04,820 --> 01:29:08,360
A MAN STARES
AT THE WOMAN HE LOVES.
2233
01:29:08,391 --> 01:29:10,931
A MAN LOOKS LIKE A BOY
ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
2234
01:29:16,532 --> 01:29:19,372
HE TREATS THE WOMAN
AS IF SHE WERE A GIFT
2235
01:29:19,402 --> 01:29:21,972
HE'S WAITED SO LONG TO OPEN,
2236
01:29:22,004 --> 01:29:24,674
AND NOW, HE CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE WHAT TREASURE IS INSIDE.
2237
01:29:24,707 --> 01:29:31,077
* DON'T LET
THIS END TONIGHT *
2238
01:29:31,113 --> 01:29:34,523
* 'CAUSE I'M STARTIN'
2239
01:29:34,550 --> 01:29:40,060
* TO FALL
2240
01:29:40,088 --> 01:29:45,058
* SO LET ME IN
2241
01:29:45,093 --> 01:29:51,133
* ALL THAT
I WANTED FROM YOU *
2242
01:29:51,166 --> 01:29:56,736
* WAS SOMETHING
YOU'D NEVER DO *
2243
01:29:56,772 --> 01:29:59,142
* SO LET ME IN
2244
01:29:59,174 --> 01:30:02,514
* OH, PLEASE, TONIGHT
2245
01:30:02,545 --> 01:30:07,915
* 'CAUSE I'M STARTIN'
TO FALL *
2246
01:30:07,950 --> 01:30:09,450
Girl: LOOK,
THEY GOT TOGETHER.
2247
01:30:09,485 --> 01:30:10,115
IT'S NICE.
2248
01:30:11,787 --> 01:30:15,087
Patty:
OH, SWEET LEAPING JESUS!
2249
01:30:15,123 --> 01:30:18,093
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
2250
01:30:18,126 --> 01:30:20,856
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--
2251
01:30:33,709 --> 01:30:38,809
* CAN YOU SEE
WHAT I AM SEEING *
2252
01:30:38,847 --> 01:30:41,777
* NOW THAT I AM ON MY OWN?
2253
01:30:43,919 --> 01:30:48,459
* I CAN'T EXPLAIN
THE WAY I'M FEELING *
2254
01:30:48,491 --> 01:30:50,761
* I QUESTION EVERYTHING I KNOW
2255
01:30:53,629 --> 01:30:56,059
* I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT SHE SAID *
2256
01:30:56,098 --> 01:30:58,528
* IT WENT STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD
2257
01:30:58,567 --> 01:31:00,967
* I'M LACKING INSPIRATION
2258
01:31:01,003 --> 01:31:03,673
* WHERE'S MY INSPIRATION?
2259
01:31:03,706 --> 01:31:05,736
* I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2260
01:31:05,774 --> 01:31:07,814
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
2261
01:31:07,843 --> 01:31:10,213
* I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2262
01:31:10,245 --> 01:31:12,915
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
2263
01:31:12,948 --> 01:31:14,918
* I CAN'T BELIEVE
A WORD SHE SAYS TO ME *
2264
01:31:17,553 --> 01:31:20,023
* IT BRINGS ME CLOSER
TO INSANITY *
2265
01:31:22,190 --> 01:31:27,030
* WHY CAN'T SHE
JUST UNDERSTAND *
2266
01:31:27,062 --> 01:31:29,032
* THE THINGS SHE SAYS
COULD KILL A MAN? *
2267
01:31:31,900 --> 01:31:34,100
* I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT SHE SAID *
2268
01:31:34,136 --> 01:31:36,706
* IT WENT STRAIGHT
TO MY HEAD *
2269
01:31:36,739 --> 01:31:38,709
* I'M LACKING INSPIRATION
2270
01:31:38,741 --> 01:31:40,841
* WHERE'S MY INSPIRATION?
2271
01:31:40,876 --> 01:31:43,976
* I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2272
01:31:44,012 --> 01:31:46,152
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
2273
01:31:46,181 --> 01:31:48,721
* I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2274
01:31:48,751 --> 01:31:50,951
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
2275
01:32:00,896 --> 01:32:03,026
* OH, I CAN'T TAKE IT
2276
01:32:03,065 --> 01:32:05,225
* I'LL NEVER MAKE IT
2277
01:32:05,267 --> 01:32:08,967
* THE THINGS SHE SAYS
ARE BRINGING ME DOWN *
2278
01:32:19,848 --> 01:32:22,278
* I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2279
01:32:22,317 --> 01:32:24,747
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
2280
01:32:24,787 --> 01:32:27,087
* I HAD IT AND I LOST IT
2281
01:32:27,122 --> 01:32:29,092
* NOW YOU GOTTA HELP ME
GET IT BACK AGAIN *
2282
01:32:41,169 --> 01:32:44,839
* I SHOULD'VE KNOWN
2283
01:32:44,873 --> 01:32:46,883
* YOU TURN YOU HEAD
AND YOU SNEEZE *
2284
01:32:46,909 --> 01:32:49,909
* WHEN LOVE
WALKS IN THE ROOM *
2285
01:32:49,945 --> 01:32:52,575
* HOW COULD I KNOW?
2286
01:32:52,615 --> 01:32:53,775
* LIKE LOOKING FOR THE SUN
2287
01:32:53,816 --> 01:32:55,576
* AND IT FINALLY SHOWS
WE'RE DRESSED *
2288
01:32:55,618 --> 01:32:57,048
* IN SHADOWS
2289
01:32:57,085 --> 01:32:58,785
* MUST BE 100 GIRLS
2290
01:32:58,821 --> 01:33:01,921
* BUT I ONLY NEED ONE
2291
01:33:01,957 --> 01:33:03,927
* I KNOW THERE'S
A MILLION STARS *
2292
01:33:03,959 --> 01:33:07,199
* BUT I ONLY SEE ONE
2293
01:33:07,229 --> 01:33:08,899
* DREAM ME A THOUSAND DREAMS
2294
01:33:08,931 --> 01:33:12,031
* IF THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
2295
01:33:15,904 --> 01:33:18,344
* IN SHADOWS
2296
01:33:21,143 --> 01:33:23,913
* IN SHADOWS
2297
01:33:26,381 --> 01:33:28,681
* IN SHADOWS
2298
01:33:30,385 --> 01:33:32,045
* THERE MUST BE 100 GIRLS
2299
01:33:32,087 --> 01:33:35,617
* BUT I ONLY NEED ONE
2300
01:33:35,658 --> 01:33:37,128
* I KNOW THERE'S
A MILLION STARS *
2301
01:33:37,159 --> 01:33:40,699
* BUT I ONLY SEE ONE
2302
01:33:40,729 --> 01:33:42,099
* THERE MUST BE 100 GIRLS
2303
01:33:42,130 --> 01:33:45,930
* BUT I ONLY NEED ONE
2304
01:33:45,968 --> 01:33:47,298
* I KNOW THERE'S
A MILLION STARS *
2305
01:33:47,335 --> 01:33:49,365
* BUT I ONLY SEE ONE
2306
01:33:49,404 --> 01:33:51,814
* IN SHADOWS
2307
01:33:54,442 --> 01:33:57,152
* IN SHADOWS
2308
01:33:59,447 --> 01:34:03,187
* IN SHADOWS
2309
01:34:03,218 --> 01:34:05,188
* IF THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
|