1
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:47,900
<i>Everyone, have your money
ready. We only have so much time.</i>
2
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,400
Okay, say, "Cheers!"
Cheers.
3
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,100
Say, "Beer!"
Beer!
4
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,600
Say, "Cheers!"
5
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,000
Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.
6
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,100
Why?
7
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,700
Hands, you wanna
field this one?
8
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,500
Uh, dude, you're getting
a fake ID
9
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,500
and you're wearing a shirt
that says you're in high school.
10
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:05,800
So?
11
00:01:05,835 --> 00:01:08,000
Okay, whatever.
I'll fix it later.
12
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,200
Just do
what you were doing.
13
00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:11,100
Give me
some nice cat things.
14
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,700
<i>- B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.</i>
15
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,500
What the hell
is going on here?
16
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,700
Relax, pal.
17
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,000
Five percent goes
to your favorite charity.
18
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:18,700
Uh, I forgot to tell you,
I borrowed your keys.
19
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,800
You borrowed my keys?
Come on.
20
00:01:20,835 --> 00:01:22,100
Well, I needed them.
Ow.
21
00:01:22,135 --> 00:01:23,800
We're providing a vital
service to America's youth here.
22
00:01:23,835 --> 00:01:26,100
Could we get the next in line,
please? No, we're not. Stay there!
23
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,200
We're contributing to
the delinquency of minors, B.
24
00:01:28,235 --> 00:01:30,200
<i>Do you know what will
happen to me if I get caught?</i>
25
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:31,900
<i>Every day
after eighth period,</i>
26
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,600
Vice Principal Matthews
comes in here.
27
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,400
<i>He picks up
the women's fitness magazine</i>
28
00:01:35,435 --> 00:01:37,400
<i>and he snaps one off!</i>
29
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:38,900
Are you serious?
Yes.
30
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,000
That is a problem.
31
00:01:40,035 --> 00:01:42,100
Uh, okay, well, we still have
the rest of eighth period, right?
32
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,700
So, we'll just pack everybody
up and get out of here.
33
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:44,800
Okay, let's go!
34
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,500
Shit!
35
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:54,200
Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!
36
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,000
Okay, good, good.
37
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:58,500
Ah, wonderful!
Vice Principal Matthews!
38
00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,700
So glad you could join us!
39
00:01:59,735 --> 00:02:01,400
What the hell is this?
40
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:02,800
It's Glee Club
practice, sir.
41
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:05,800
We're just gettin' ready for
Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.
42
00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,500
We don't have
a Glee Club.
43
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,000
Not yet,
we don't, sir.
44
00:02:09,035 --> 00:02:11,100
But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behind
45
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,200
a legacy that inspires
future students
46
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,900
to take initiative
rather than spend their time,
47
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,900
I don't know, privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.
48
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:20,700
I mean, I went
to read an article
49
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,900
about no carbs and
higher reps the other day
50
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,300
and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.
51
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,700
...as if by some natural
adhesive. That'll be enough.
52
00:02:26,735 --> 00:02:28,300
I need to cut
the pounds
53
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,800
and I can't open the...
Stop it!
54
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,800
Whatever does it for...
Stop it!
55
00:02:31,835 --> 00:02:33,400
That's all
I'm gonna say.
56
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:35,300
Thank God
you're graduating.
57
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:38,600
I'm the fourth-generation
Schrader... Sorry.
58
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,600
to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.
59
00:02:40,635 --> 00:02:42,300
I can't do anything
to screw that up.
60
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,000
You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted for identity fraud.
61
00:02:45,035 --> 00:02:47,400
Look at you.
Would you stop, man? Relax.
62
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:48,800
We're all goin'
to college, okay?
63
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,900
This is said by the guy
who's been rejected... Hey, B.
64
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,000
...by seven schools.
65
00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,600
Hey, I'm creating
dramatic tension.
66
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:55,500
I got a good feeling
about number eight! Ugh.
67
00:02:56,200 --> 00:03:00,300
I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!
68
00:03:00,335 --> 00:03:02,300
Yeah! Yeah!
69
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:05,500
Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.
70
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:06,800
Oh, what makes you say that?
71
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:07,900
I don't know.
72
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,100
Bartleby! Hey.
73
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,000
Hey, how are you,
Monica? Hey, how are you?
74
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:13,000
Good. Do you know Schrader?
75
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:15,500
No, I don't think so. Oh!
Yes! We...
76
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,000
I actually...
We had a class.
77
00:03:18,035 --> 00:03:19,100
Oh, yeah.
78
00:03:19,135 --> 00:03:21,300
My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.
79
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,600
Yeah. Sorry. I don't
remember you, either.
80
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:24,800
Sorry.
It's all right.
81
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:27,300
Um, anyway, I really wanted
to ask you something.
82
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,400
Sure, anything.
83
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,500
Um, you know,
I know it's really late,
84
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:30,900
but, um, last minute
and everything,
85
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,700
but prom is coming up soon,
you know? It's okay. Yes.
86
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,600
And I'm actually having a
party at my house beforehand.
87
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,400
Awesome!
And I was wondering
88
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,300
if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...
89
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,300
I'd love to.
... mow our lawn.
90
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:45,600
Mow your lawn?
Yeah.
91
00:03:45,635 --> 00:03:47,600
Oh.
I'm sorry.
92
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,800
Yeah. I'm really embarrassed,
but, you know,
93
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:53,000
our mower's broken and my mom
was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"
94
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,100
That's cool!
95
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,300
I... Yeah. Tell your mother I
would love to mow the lawn. Really?
96
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:57,500
Of course.
97
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,600
Thank you so much.
Yeah, sure.
98
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,600
Thank you. Hey, babe!
Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!
99
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:02,200
Sorry, I got to go.
100
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,800
But thank you, again.
Yeah, s-sure.
101
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:05,700
You're really helping us out.
Oh, great to see you.
102
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,400
And, hey, it was nice to meet,
um, see you. Talk to you.
103
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:09,100
Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.
104
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,000
Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
B- Bye, Monica.
105
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:12,500
Hey, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, baby.
106
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,800
Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!
107
00:04:14,835 --> 00:04:17,700
Hoyt Ambrose. What's that
guy got that I don't have?
108
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,500
I just need to get a car.
109
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,200
And classic good looks.
110
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,800
"I regret... "
111
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,400
I can't believe
I didn't get into State!
112
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:53,900
I wasn't even aiming high
with that one.
113
00:04:53,935 --> 00:04:55,000
That was my fallback!
114
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:57,100
It was my safety school,
my fail-safe!
115
00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:00,000
Maybe you're just
too average.
116
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,200
Hey, time out.
117
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,400
Too average?
118
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,300
Okay. Okay.
Excuse me, Lizzie.
119
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,000
R- R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.
120
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,400
I didn't have to go to
gym class for a whole year
121
00:05:08,435 --> 00:05:09,900
'cause I claimed
to be allergic to sweat.
122
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:12,500
Or what about the time I got the note
from my doctor saying I was nocturnal
123
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,200
and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?
124
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:16,900
I got the school bully, Frank
Daley, kicked out for two years
125
00:05:16,935 --> 00:05:18,800
because he was
sexually harassing me
126
00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:21,300
by pushing me up against the
locker and I said I felt something.
127
00:05:21,335 --> 00:05:23,200
I mean, come on.
That was pure genius.
128
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:26,500
Maybe if you didn't write an essay
called "I Don't Have a Clue. "
129
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:27,800
Well, it's true. You know?
130
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:29,800
I don't have a clue what I want
to do with the rest of my life.
131
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,600
Mom and Dad
are gonna kill you.
132
00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:33,100
O ye of little faith.
133
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,400
They're not gonna kill me.
Uh-huh.
134
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,600
I just have to spin it
135
00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:38,700
and put it in terms
they can understand.
136
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,100
I don't understand.
137
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,000
I don't understand, either.
138
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,800
Okay, I figure it
like this.
139
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:46,600
The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?
140
00:05:46,635 --> 00:05:48,500
Now, according to these estimates
that I got off the Web...
141
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,000
You can pass those around.
142
00:05:50,035 --> 00:05:51,500
Someone with no education
beyond high school
143
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,600
can expect to make about $20,000
a year in the current job market.
144
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:56,700
Now, that being said,
over the next four years,
145
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,800
you could either
spend $80,000
146
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:02,400
or I could make $80,000.
147
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,800
Are you saying you don't
want to go to college?
148
00:06:05,835 --> 00:06:08,200
No. I'm saying that
it is fiscally irresponsible
149
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:10,400
for me to go
to college. You know?
150
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,700
Are you huffing?
Oh, God. No.
151
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,700
Are you high?
You're huffing grass?
152
00:06:14,735 --> 00:06:17,200
No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm
not stoned. I'm completely fine.
153
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,900
In fact, I'm more clear and
level-headed than I've ever been.
154
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,100
Okay, cut the crap,
Bartleby.
155
00:06:22,135 --> 00:06:23,500
Society has rules.
156
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,600
And the first rule is you
go to college. Mmm-hmm.
157
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,300
You want to have a happy and
successful life? You go to college.
158
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,400
If you want to be somebody,
you go to college.
159
00:06:31,435 --> 00:06:33,600
If you want to fit in,
you go to college.
160
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:36,200
Well, you know what? Maybe
I didn't get into college.
161
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,200
What do you mean?
162
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,100
I didn't get accepted
anywhere.
163
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,200
Oh, Bartleby.
164
00:06:52,235 --> 00:06:53,200
Damn it.
165
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:56,800
I knew he should've started
preparing for college in junior high
166
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,200
like his sister.
167
00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,400
Now, she's got a shot.
I've got a shot.
168
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:01,700
She's got a shot.
Listen, guys.
169
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,000
There are plenty of successful
people who didn't go to college.
170
00:07:04,035 --> 00:07:05,800
Albert Einstein,
you know.
171
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,000
Pocahontas never
went to college.
172
00:07:08,035 --> 00:07:09,800
Corey Feldman
and Corey Haim.
173
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,000
They had a great run.
174
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,700
Both Lewis and Clark.
175
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,600
Suzanne Somers. Bono.
176
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,900
I need to go
check on the cobbler.
177
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,900
"Check the cobbler. "
Glug, glug, glug.
178
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:25,600
You know, I really don't care
what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.
179
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,500
You're goin' to college.
180
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,400
I told you so.
181
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:34,800
You were adopted.
182
00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:37,900
Everyone,
183
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,000
I would like to propose
a toast to our graduates.
184
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,700
To the Class of 2006,
185
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,000
may the next four years
of college
186
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,000
be the best years
of your life.
187
00:07:47,035 --> 00:07:48,400
Hear, hear.
Mom.
188
00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:51,800
Hey.
Hey, man, what's up?
189
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:54,200
What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?
190
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:56,100
Dude, I swear,
if one more person tells me
191
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,500
how excited they are to go
to college, I'm gonna lose it.
192
00:07:58,535 --> 00:07:59,900
Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.
193
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,500
That's insane. You're one of
the best receivers in the state.
194
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,200
Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.
195
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,200
That sucks.
What are you gonna do now?
196
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,500
I have no idea.
197
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,500
That makes two of us, pal.
198
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,600
It's fine, it's fine, it's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.
199
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:16,600
Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.
200
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,900
Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.
201
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,900
I did... I didn't,
I didn't get into Yale.
202
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,600
I didn't...
I didn't get into Yale.
203
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,400
What? I can't
believe that!
204
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,900
Well, there's no room
for Rory at Yale.
205
00:08:26,935 --> 00:08:28,700
Too many rich kids
with mediocre grades
206
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,000
and well-connected parents
this year, I guess.
207
00:08:31,035 --> 00:08:32,600
No room for Rory,
who's been working
208
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,300
since first grade
to get into Yale.
209
00:08:34,335 --> 00:08:36,500
Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.
210
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:37,800
I had it all planned!
211
00:08:37,835 --> 00:08:40,200
It was perfect, B!
Perfect!
212
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,900
<i>And now
it's nothing! Nada!</i>
213
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,700
It's a goose egg!
214
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,800
Okay. Well.
215
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,100
God, Rory! Rory!
216
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:52,500
She's handling that
really well.
217
00:08:52,535 --> 00:08:54,400
College
is for pussies!
218
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,400
All right. I got to
get out of here, pal.
219
00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:57,900
Hang in there.
All right, man. You, too.
220
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,700
Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr.
Schrader. I was actually just...
221
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:01,800
Did you have any cake?
222
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,300
No, you know, I'm not
much of a cake guy.
223
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:04,500
Oh, it is a hell
of a cake.
224
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,500
It is the same cake we got for Scotty
and Seth when they got into Harmon.
225
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,100
Oh, ah, everything
comes full circle.
226
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,200
Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...
227
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,600
Hey, Stu.
Hey.
228
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:14,400
I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngest
229
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:16,900
is headed off to a good
college. Must take a load off.
230
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,200
Yeah, well, not to mention
231
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,500
the load it takes off
my bank account.
232
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:23,700
Dad.
233
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,600
Nothin' like gettin'
a load off!
234
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,300
What about you,
Bartleby?
235
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,900
That's a good question,
Mr. Harkin.
236
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,200
What's with the questions,
Mr. Trebek?
237
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,500
Where you goin'?
238
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:41,400
Um, I... I., well...
239
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,000
I didn't really, uh...
240
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,600
Bartleby screwed around and
now he's not goin' to college.
241
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:48,400
He's thrown his life away.
242
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,100
Yeah, that's... that's what
I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.
243
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:49,400
Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
244
00:10:49,435 --> 00:10:52,500
Yeah. B, you realize that
makes it S.H.I.T., right?
245
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,200
S.H.I.T.?
I was wingin' it. Whatever.
246
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,000
Just finish building
the website, please.
247
00:10:57,035 --> 00:11:00,700
This is the act of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.
248
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,500
Yo, B, you have to hook me up with
one of these acceptance letters, bro.
249
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,700
Are you kidding me? No way.
Why not?
250
00:11:05,735 --> 00:11:08,500
Oh, come on. The only way this is
gonna work is if we keep it quiet.
251
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,000
And even then,
it's still a long shot.
252
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,200
Dude, I don't care.
I have to do somethin'.
253
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,400
The minute
I lost my scholarship,
254
00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,100
my pop started talkin' about
me getting my own bus route.
255
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,600
Help me. Please?
Mmm.
256
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,600
You know something?
257
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:23,300
For the safety of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.
258
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,600
Sweet.
But listen to me.
259
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,500
This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?
260
00:11:26,535 --> 00:11:28,100
Nothing more.
Gotcha.
261
00:11:28,135 --> 00:11:30,600
Bravo, guys. Great.
Both of you guys.
262
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:33,700
Let's start this fake college. And then
we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.
263
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,700
Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?
264
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:36,800
That's how these things start.
265
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,200
You know something, Schrader,
266
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:39,800
you got into
a great college.
267
00:11:39,835 --> 00:11:41,200
And your future's
lookin' really good,
268
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,000
and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause
you're my best friend and I love you.
269
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:47,700
I'm talking about me coming
to you, asking for your help.
270
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,700
Just finish
the damn website.
271
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:51,300
Please.
272
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,300
What do you say?
273
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,100
There he is!
Fine.
274
00:11:57,135 --> 00:11:58,900
Get off me,
you idiot.
275
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:01,200
But we need some sort of, like,
mission statement or something.
276
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,900
Your dad's gonna want to see
that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.
277
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:05,900
Hey, kids. Honey!
278
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,900
Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.
279
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,000
What's this?
280
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,500
South Harmon Institute of
Technology? What's that?
281
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,200
Mmm? What's that?
282
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,200
One of the most respected schools
in the area, that's what that is.
283
00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:18,300
Well, what's it say?
284
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:19,800
I gotta open it first.
285
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:21,300
Come on, hurry.
286
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,400
Oh. I'm nervous.
287
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,400
"Dear Bartleby,
288
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,300
"congratulations,
you've been accepted!"
289
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:34,600
I got in!
290
00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:37,100
Aw, thank God. Thank God.
I got in!
291
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,500
Hey-o!
Oh! God!
292
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:39,800
Honey.
I'm okay.
293
00:12:39,835 --> 00:12:42,200
Hey, this is great!
294
00:12:42,235 --> 00:12:43,300
It's so exciting!
295
00:12:43,335 --> 00:12:46,100
What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology? Yeah.
296
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,600
Oh, it's one of Harmon
College's sister schools.
297
00:12:47,635 --> 00:12:49,500
I've never heard of it.
298
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,700
Well, because
it's the baby sister.
299
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,700
It's the most discreet and
unharmed of the sister schools.
300
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,300
You got any literature
on this place?
301
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,800
Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.
302
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,500
You did it.
You're a college boy.
303
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,800
Wow.
304
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,300
So you guys want to eat?
Yeah.
305
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:14,200
Hey! I hate my life.
306
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,000
I'm a huge tool.
307
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,300
Have fun being hot.
308
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,400
Bartleby!
309
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,000
Hey, Dad, what's up?
310
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,900
I took a look
at that website.
311
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,200
Oh.
312
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,500
Cool.
313
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,600
It looks unreal.
314
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,100
Unreal?
315
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,600
Yeah, it looks
pretty unbelievable, huh?
316
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,700
It seems
like a solid place.
317
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:33,800
Really?
318
00:13:33,835 --> 00:13:35,100
Here you go.
319
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,600
First semester's tuition.
Paid in full.
320
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,200
That's great.
321
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,200
Wow, thank you, Dad.
322
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,100
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
323
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,100
Thanks, Dad.
324
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,100
Your mother and I
can't wait to drop you off.
325
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,100
What we need to do
is lease a place near Harmon
326
00:14:00,135 --> 00:14:01,600
so we can fool our parents.
Yeah.
327
00:14:01,635 --> 00:14:04,800
Hey, Schrad, do you know any
places up near Harmon we can rent?
328
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,100
Oh, yeah, I do,
actually.
329
00:14:06,135 --> 00:14:07,800
I carry around a list
with me at all times
330
00:14:07,835 --> 00:14:09,700
of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.
331
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,600
Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.
332
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:12,900
What do you want me to be,
your realtor?
333
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:14,700
Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?
334
00:14:14,735 --> 00:14:15,800
Hey, what's up, Glen?
335
00:14:15,835 --> 00:14:16,800
Hey.
Hey, Glen,
336
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,800
when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?
337
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:23,300
Since I got boned, hard,
by every college I applied to.
338
00:14:23,335 --> 00:14:24,500
Why, what happened?
339
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,200
Some political crap.
340
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,600
I got a zero on my SATs.
341
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,700
You know
you get 600 points
342
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,300
just for signing
your name, right?
343
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,700
All right,
let's get serious, man.
344
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,200
Now, where we gonna find a
place to pass off as a college?
345
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:44,400
Hey, guys! I know a place.
346
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,000
How'd you know
about this place?
347
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:49,700
I used to do
volunteer work here.
348
00:14:49,735 --> 00:14:50,800
This
place is awesome.
349
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,700
'Cause now I can
finally get hepatitis.
350
00:14:52,735 --> 00:14:55,000
A bird in the hand,
dude. A bird in the hand.
351
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:56,600
That doesn't
make any sense.
352
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,100
It's a saying.
What?
353
00:14:58,135 --> 00:14:59,800
A diamond in the rough.
354
00:14:59,835 --> 00:15:02,400
Hope you guys
have hobo-stab insurance.
355
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,800
Great.
The birthplace of crack.
356
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:12,600
Hello, beautiful.
357
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,600
Hey! Hey, guys,
don't go in there.
358
00:15:17,635 --> 00:15:18,700
This is breaking
and entering.
359
00:15:18,735 --> 00:15:20,900
Schrader, come on.
Don't be scared.
360
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,100
Who's scared? I'm not
scared. You're scared.
361
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,900
Schrader, you were scared to
try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
362
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,300
I told you that
in confidence, Hands.
363
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,300
Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out,
364
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,900
because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.
365
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,300
That's actually
a legitimate fear.
366
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,000
She was rifling
through my shit.
367
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:37,900
Okay, Fine, whatever, dude, stay here.
368
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,500
Fine. I will.
369
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:41,900
Okay, guys, seriously,
370
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,400
I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.
371
00:15:44,435 --> 00:15:45,900
We don't have
to renovate the whole place.
372
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,400
We just have to focus
on essential areas.
373
00:15:47,435 --> 00:15:49,500
We got the... the main lobby.
Hallway.
374
00:15:49,535 --> 00:15:51,500
Dorm rooms.
Dorm rooms, exactly.
375
00:15:51,535 --> 00:15:53,700
I think this could really
work. Huh? It's awesome!
376
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,200
Can you hold that?
Yeah.
377
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,000
Guys, a little can-do
attitude, some elbow grease,
378
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:58,400
maybe a smile from Schrader.
379
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,500
It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?
380
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,400
Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
381
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,300
Atta baby.
The beginning of good things.
382
00:16:05,335 --> 00:16:06,400
Yeah.
383
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,800
Schrader,
what the hell was that?
384
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:20,400
Um, this is embarrassing.
385
00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:21,500
Are you kidding?
386
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:22,600
It would be really cool
387
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,100
if you guys wouldn't tell
people I scream like that.
388
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,900
Ready, set, go.
389
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,300
Whoo!
All right.
390
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,500
Uh, whoa, Glen.
391
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,100
Oh, hey, B.
392
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:53,400
What are you doing here,
buddy?
393
00:16:53,435 --> 00:16:55,100
Rory told me about it.
394
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,600
What are you doing? We were gonna
keep this place a big secret.
395
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:59,300
But he didn't have
any place to go.
396
00:16:59,335 --> 00:17:00,700
He got fired
from the Kwik 'N Stop.
397
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,000
Is that true? Why'd
you... Why'd you get fired?
398
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,100
I got fired
for making a shrimp slushee.
399
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,200
That's disgusting.
See?
400
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:08,500
Why would you
do that, pal?
401
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,800
'Cause I was hungry
and thirsty.
402
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:11,900
Oh, God.
403
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,900
This kitchen is bitchin'!
404
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:42,200
And this'll be the bath...
405
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,400
Close the door.
Shit!
406
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:47,900
Close it!
407
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,800
It takes 10,000 steps
to get from here to greatness.
408
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,400
And this right here,
409
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:25,400
this is step one.
410
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:26,800
Good luck, Son.
411
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,600
<i>Mister Ambrose, do you know what
makes Harmon a great college?</i>
412
00:18:33,635 --> 00:18:34,700
<i>Rejection.</i>
413
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,800
The exclusivity
of any university
414
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:40,000
is judged primarily
by the amount of students
415
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:41,300
it rejects.
416
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,600
Unfortunately,
for the last few years,
417
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,800
we have been unable to
match the amount of students
418
00:18:45,835 --> 00:18:48,600
that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects,
419
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,700
primarily because
of our physical limitations.
420
00:18:50,735 --> 00:18:53,000
But all that
is about to change.
421
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,500
Yale has one,
Princeton has one.
422
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,100
And now Harmon College
will have
423
00:18:57,135 --> 00:18:59,300
the prestigious entranceway
it deserves.
424
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,900
A verdant buffer zone
425
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,400
to keep knowledge in,
and ignorance out.
426
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:06,200
That is a great idea, sir.
Yes, it is.
427
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:07,900
Now, you, Mr. Ambrose,
are chairman
428
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,700
of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.
429
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:14,500
I need you to secure
all these decrepit properties
430
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,200
in the neighboring community.
431
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,700
So that we can demolish them
to make room
432
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,800
for the Van Horne Gateway.
433
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,100
You know what?
434
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,700
This actually looks
like the real deal.
435
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,000
Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic,
436
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,600
but I think
this could work.
437
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,400
It really looks
professional. Hello.
438
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:34,000
Hey, kid,
where the hell are you?
439
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:35,200
<i>Oh, I'm, uh...
Listen.</i>
440
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,700
<i>I took another look
at that website.</i>
441
00:19:36,735 --> 00:19:38,500
What's all this "be
what you want to be" crap?
442
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,700
No, no, Dad, they just... they
just have to say stuff like that
443
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:41,900
just to keep
from being sued.
444
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.
445
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,200
Glen, go long. Set up
a meeting with the dean.
446
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,200
The dean? Jesus.
Mother of hell!
447
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,100
Your college does
have a dean, doesn't it?
448
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,500
I'm good! Yes, of course
the college has a dean.
449
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:54,900
Dad, you know, he's a
busy guy, though, you know,
450
00:19:54,935 --> 00:19:56,700
he can't just, uh,
set up a meeting with parents.
451
00:19:56,735 --> 00:19:58,800
<i>Listen. If I'm paying for
it, I'm meeting with the dean.</i>
452
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,100
I want to make sure you have the same
education I did. A real education.
453
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,100
<i>Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad,
Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.</i>
454
00:20:06,135 --> 00:20:08,200
I gotta trim this corner right
here. I think I got poisoned.
455
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,300
What's up, B?
We got a little problem.
456
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,300
What?
Who was that, Bartleby?
457
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,000
We gotta find a dean.
458
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,400
In life, it's important to
distinguish between need and want.
459
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,300
You think you want something because
you've been conditioned to want it.
460
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,300
I want the Pump!
461
00:20:25,335 --> 00:20:27,100
I don't got the Pump.
462
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,500
Look, oh, I got the
Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.
463
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,100
I want the Pump!
464
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,300
Listen,
you insolent little snot,
465
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,100
there are kids right now in Asia who
are sewing your stupid shoes together,
466
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,800
so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
467
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:45,000
This is the worst idea
of all time.
468
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:46,900
Your Uncle Ben
used to be a genius.
469
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,200
He'll be fine.
Mom!
470
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:49,300
What did you do?
471
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,900
You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.
472
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,200
You know what?
Maybe he's retarded.
473
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,200
I'm glad my mother's dead.
474
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:56,500
He's just having a bad day.
475
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,000
Oh, my gosh.
476
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,300
You want me to be the dean
of your college?
477
00:21:00,335 --> 00:21:02,100
No, I want you
to pretend to be the dean.
478
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,200
It's just for one day.
479
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:05,900
Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.
480
00:21:05,935 --> 00:21:08,800
I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.
481
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,000
Oh, really?
482
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:11,300
Yeah, well, technically,
he was fired.
483
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,500
That's not true. I got fed up
with the education racket.
484
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,700
So I quit.
485
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,400
I did send in my resignation
486
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,400
in a rather
unorthodox fashion.
487
00:21:19,435 --> 00:21:22,400
You sent the dean of the
university a bag of dog shit.
488
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,400
It was a metaphor.
For what?
489
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,000
For "You're full of shit!"
Oh.
490
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:27,800
That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.
491
00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:29,400
Oh, semantics, schmantics.
492
00:21:29,435 --> 00:21:31,400
Three years from now,
I'm finished with this crap.
493
00:21:31,435 --> 00:21:33,500
I'm goin' to Papua New
Guinea. I'm outta here.
494
00:21:33,535 --> 00:21:35,200
Wh-Where...
Where you going?
495
00:21:35,235 --> 00:21:36,600
I'm going off the grid.
496
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,300
No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox,
497
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,500
no more "Eh, oh,
let's clone another goat. "
498
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,700
And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.
499
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,700
What's wrong with saying,
"Hey! Nice tits. "
500
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,200
When did that
go out the window?
501
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:51,000
Okay, Ben,
all I'm asking you
502
00:21:51,035 --> 00:21:53,300
is just shake a couple hands
with some parents,
503
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,500
say, "Hi, I'm the dean,"
whatever.
504
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,800
What if we pay you?
505
00:21:56,835 --> 00:21:59,500
Don't sully my dignity
with your cash.
506
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,100
There you are! Did you
make another child cry?
507
00:22:03,100 --> 00:22:06,000
It's not my fault the kid's
a crybaby! Little dipshit.
508
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:08,000
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole.
509
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:10,200
You are an asshole.
And you're fired.
510
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,700
Perhaps it is time to move on.
511
00:22:14,735 --> 00:22:16,300
But I get to bring my house.
512
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,500
Deal.
513
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,300
Right or left?
Right.
514
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,100
Whose right?
Your call.
515
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,500
You're an idiot!
You're upset.
516
00:22:23,535 --> 00:22:24,800
Go with what you feel.
517
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,400
You got about 12 feet.
518
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,000
Perfect.
519
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,500
Asshole.
520
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:34,100
Okay, smiles, everyone.
521
00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:35,700
First day at college.
522
00:22:35,735 --> 00:22:37,400
What's up with these colors?
Shit brown? Really?
523
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:39,300
Glen picked 'em.
Of course he did.
524
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,700
Where'd you find
all these people?
525
00:22:40,735 --> 00:22:43,600
Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language program.
526
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:46,000
These are my students. I told
them if they wanted to pass,
527
00:22:46,035 --> 00:22:47,100
they'd have to
successfully assimilate
528
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,600
into the American
college environment.
529
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:50,900
Whoa! The parents are here!
530
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,400
Okay!
We're on, guys!
531
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:55,400
Okay, people,
it's showtime!
532
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,400
Wow.
533
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,400
No frills around here. Oh, none at all.
534
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:04,700
None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles,
or mahogany, it's the real deal.
535
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,700
The real deal, huh?
536
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:07,900
This is it, kid.
This is it.
537
00:23:07,935 --> 00:23:09,800
The big moment. Take this in.
Ah.
538
00:23:09,835 --> 00:23:11,300
It's exciting, it's scary.
539
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,700
It's really scary.
Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.
540
00:23:15,100 --> 00:23:16,100
Okay.
541
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:17,700
What's going on here?
542
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,300
Okay, we lost
one of the campers.
543
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,600
Curious campers.
544
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:22,500
What are you doing? Don't
do that. Don't do that.
545
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,300
Honey.
546
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,700
Take it easy.
Okay, here we are. Let's...
547
00:23:28,900 --> 00:23:29,900
What the devil is that?
Oh.
548
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,700
That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.
549
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,100
It's college for you.
550
00:23:34,135 --> 00:23:36,000
Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.
551
00:23:36,035 --> 00:23:37,600
Oh, uh, can you
hang on a second?
552
00:23:37,700 --> 00:23:40,200
I just really gotta go to the
bathroom a minute, you know.
553
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:41,800
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I just wanna...
554
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:43,400
No, no, no, no, no!
555
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:46,100
Uh, it's, that's,
it's the men's room.
556
00:23:46,135 --> 00:23:47,500
You can't go in there.
557
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,900
Well, can't you just
stand outside...
558
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,800
Diane, can't you wait
till we get to the restaurant?
559
00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:53,200
Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.
560
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:54,600
You owe me 30 bucks,
by the way.
561
00:23:54,635 --> 00:23:55,900
You jokester.
562
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,900
Here we are. You remember
Hands. Hey, Mrs. Gaines.
563
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,500
Hey, hi.
The fam.
564
00:23:59,535 --> 00:24:01,000
You look great.
Well, thank you.
565
00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:02,700
When I first saw it, I was
like, I gotta live here?
566
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,100
I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.
567
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,100
Mr. Gaines.
Daryl, how are you, partner?
568
00:24:06,135 --> 00:24:07,300
Oh, thunder grip.
569
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,800
Why are there bars
on the window?
570
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,400
Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.
571
00:24:14,435 --> 00:24:16,200
It's fine. It's a good
learning environment.
572
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,300
Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.
573
00:24:18,335 --> 00:24:21,200
Yes. We will, because of the
blue and the sparse walls.
574
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:22,300
I agree with you, sir.
575
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,400
What are these?
576
00:24:23,435 --> 00:24:25,800
That's in case
of an earthquake.
577
00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:27,800
Uh, never mind that.
Hey, let's go meet the dean.
578
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:29,100
Huh?
The dean.
579
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,100
Come here, honey.
Come on.
580
00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:35,200
Which way?
Take a right there, Mom.
581
00:24:35,300 --> 00:24:37,400
It's gonna be fun.
582
00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:39,100
You know,
a lot of people say
583
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,200
that college is the time
when young men and women
584
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,400
expand the way
that they look at their world,
585
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:49,000
when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiences
586
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:51,600
and when they begin
that long journey
587
00:24:51,635 --> 00:24:53,700
from the innocence of youth
588
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,000
to the responsibilities
of adulthood.
589
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,700
Now isn't that
a load of horseshit?
590
00:25:06,900 --> 00:25:08,000
W- What?
591
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:10,200
Could you explain that
to us a little more?
592
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:12,400
Uh, Dean Lewis,
why don't you tell them
593
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,800
a little bit about the
philosophy here at South Harmon?
594
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:18,600
Look, we throw a lot of fancy
words in front of these kids,
595
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:20,900
in order to attract them
to going to school,
596
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,200
in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.
597
00:25:23,235 --> 00:25:25,500
And we all know
that all we're doing
598
00:25:25,535 --> 00:25:27,400
is breeding
a whole new generation
599
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:28,900
of buyers and sellers.
600
00:25:28,935 --> 00:25:30,300
Buyers and sellers!
601
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,700
Pimps and whores.
Pimps and whores!
602
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,900
And indoctrinating them into a
life-long hell of debt and indecision.
603
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,500
I...
Um...
604
00:25:42,100 --> 00:25:43,500
I... I just don't understand.
605
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,000
Do I have
to spoon-feed it to you?
606
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,800
Look, there's only one reason
607
00:25:48,835 --> 00:25:51,300
that kids
want to go to school.
608
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,500
Holy shit.
609
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:01,900
Which is?
610
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:07,100
To get a good job.
611
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,300
To get a good job,
with a great starting salary.
612
00:26:22,300 --> 00:26:23,700
I couldn't agree more.
613
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:29,300
It is so refreshing
to have somebody
614
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,600
approach education
so rationally.
615
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:33,200
Fuckin' A!
616
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,600
Well, Dad. Ow.
617
00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:41,900
Oh, Mom.
618
00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:44,100
You make us proud, kiddo.
619
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,400
I'll try, Dad.
620
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,000
Don't worry about
anything, okay?
621
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:49,900
Bye, honey.
Seat belts.
622
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,300
Spread your wings.
623
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,700
I'm gonna fly.
You gotta let me fly.
624
00:26:53,735 --> 00:26:55,300
Bye, Lizzie.
Bye!
625
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,200
Bye!
626
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:04,500
So what do we do now?
627
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,800
Well, my friend,
we're in college now.
628
00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:08,100
We can do whatever we want.
629
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,600
Gotta hand it to you, B.
630
00:27:10,635 --> 00:27:12,800
Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom,
631
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:14,200
and we're killing
aliens, dude.
632
00:27:14,235 --> 00:27:16,500
This is way better than learning.
We are learning here, pal.
633
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:20,000
We're learning the dire cost to
civilization when diplomacy fails.
634
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:21,700
We're learning political
science right now.
635
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,500
What the...
What the hell is that?
636
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:30,500
Who is it?
637
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,700
Abernathy
Darwin Dunlap, sir.
638
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:35,900
Hi, there!
639
00:27:35,935 --> 00:27:36,900
What's your name?
640
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:38,700
My name's
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.
641
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,200
But you could call me A.D.D.,
642
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,600
on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D.,
643
00:27:42,635 --> 00:27:44,200
which is Attention Deficit
Disorder and you know,
644
00:27:44,300 --> 00:27:47,100
everyone used to think it was just
an addiction to sugar when I was six,
645
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,800
and my mom used to cry because
she thought I would never be,
646
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:51,400
like, a fully functioning
member of society,
647
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:53,900
like my neighbor
who has Legionnaire's Disease.
648
00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:55,800
Oh...
649
00:27:56,900 --> 00:27:59,100
This is no longer
a mental health facility.
650
00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:00,700
I'm so sorry
we can't help you.
651
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,300
Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!
652
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,800
Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?
653
00:28:05,835 --> 00:28:07,300
Well, unless
I misread the website,
654
00:28:07,335 --> 00:28:09,300
I'm here for orientation!
655
00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:14,300
Oh, you scared me for a
second. In more ways than one.
656
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,300
Uh, you're looking
for Harmon College,
657
00:28:16,335 --> 00:28:17,400
it's just right on
up the hill.
658
00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:19,000
But good luck, have fun.
Go, Harmon.
659
00:28:19,100 --> 00:28:22,300
No! I'm looking for South
Harmon Institute of Technology
660
00:28:22,335 --> 00:28:24,600
because, well, it's the
only place I got accepted
661
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:26,900
and I'm looking
to pursue my degree in English
662
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,500
or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!
663
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:32,900
Did you just say
you got accepted here?
664
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,000
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we all did.
665
00:28:35,035 --> 00:28:36,000
What?
666
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:54,800
Thank you so much!
667
00:29:00,100 --> 00:29:02,800
Oh, God.
Holy balls.
668
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:05,000
I'm sorry.
669
00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:06,600
Move, fool.
670
00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:10,800
Oh, look, there's my old
girlfriend, Sara Pelfan.
671
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,100
You broke my heart!
672
00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:18,500
Please.
673
00:29:20,900 --> 00:29:23,600
Oh, uh, sorry, sorry. No
parents allowed past this point.
674
00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:25,600
It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.
675
00:29:25,700 --> 00:29:27,000
We need to mold
your kids into individuals,
676
00:29:27,100 --> 00:29:28,200
and the first step is to
677
00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:30,400
sever the ties of
the parent-child relationship.
678
00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:31,700
Take him.
679
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:33,400
We're just glad
Larry got in someplace.
680
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,800
He's your problem now.
681
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,200
Bye, hon. No biting!
682
00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,400
Hey, Larry.
683
00:29:39,700 --> 00:29:41,500
Okay, good talk.
Go on in there.
684
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,200
You're gonna fit right in,
Larry. Unfortunately.
685
00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:44,400
What are we gonna do?
686
00:29:44,435 --> 00:29:45,800
This is supposed
to be a secret.
687
00:29:45,835 --> 00:29:47,000
Yeah, well, I guess
the secret's out.
688
00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:49,500
You go check the P.O. box, I'm
gonna go find Schrader, okay?
689
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,800
Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.
690
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:02,600
Can I take
your blazer for you?
691
00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:04,300
Get in there, your future
is right in there.
692
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,100
Thank you.
All right.
693
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:13,800
Oh, shit.
694
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:16,200
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Sorry.
695
00:30:16,700 --> 00:30:19,300
Bartleby. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how you doing?
696
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:20,600
Good. I'm so sorry
about your jacket.
697
00:30:20,700 --> 00:30:23,200
Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even my jacket.
698
00:30:23,235 --> 00:30:25,400
Perfect. So, what are you doing here?
699
00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:27,700
I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?
700
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,700
Uh, no, I haven't.
701
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,600
Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.
702
00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,200
I'll catch up with you.
703
00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:38,400
Hey.
704
00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:42,500
I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.
705
00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:46,800
This is fun.
I'm just gonna hang back
706
00:30:46,835 --> 00:30:49,100
while you guys shoot around
and stuff, you know.
707
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:50,700
Oh, shit.
708
00:30:50,735 --> 00:30:51,700
I got it.
709
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,000
Oh.
That's a... It's a G chord.
710
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,200
I used to play
in a Cranberries tribute band.
711
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,300
Uh, we disbanded.
712
00:31:06,335 --> 00:31:08,900
Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.
Yeah.
713
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,900
Hoyt Ambrose.
Yes, right. I know.
714
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,900
Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.
715
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,000
That's right. Right.
You date Monica Moreland.
716
00:31:16,035 --> 00:31:17,300
That I do.
Right.
717
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:19,100
I think about her
when I masturbate.
718
00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:26,300
What?
What?
719
00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:31,100
I didn't mean to say that.
720
00:31:31,300 --> 00:31:35,200
Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged
alongside my father back in the day.
721
00:31:35,300 --> 00:31:36,500
Oh, so you're the legacy.
722
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,500
That's right. Legacy!
723
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,500
You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.
724
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,000
Was it here?
725
00:31:45,100 --> 00:31:46,800
Uh, was it there? Was it...
726
00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:49,300
So... So do you go
to school here now, or...
727
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,800
I don't. Uh,
I go to South Harmon.
728
00:31:51,900 --> 00:31:53,100
Did you say South Harmon?
729
00:31:53,135 --> 00:31:54,400
Yes, I did.
730
00:31:54,500 --> 00:31:55,600
Oh, what's that?
Hmm?
731
00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:57,400
Wha-What's South Harmon?
732
00:31:57,500 --> 00:31:59,500
South Harmon is...
It's a college,
733
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:02,000
just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.
734
00:32:02,035 --> 00:32:03,800
That's great. Well,
congratulations to you. Thank you.
735
00:32:03,835 --> 00:32:05,600
Hey, sweetie.
Hey!
736
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:07,100
Oh, my gosh,
I was so excited for you...
737
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,300
Actually, can you just give me
just one sec, okay? Thanks.
738
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,100
Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.
739
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:14,100
Floyd Pambrose.
740
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,600
That's weird.
Our names rhyme.
741
00:32:16,700 --> 00:32:18,200
Yeah, that is
pretty weird.
742
00:32:18,235 --> 00:32:19,800
That's kind of crazy.
Welcome to B.K.E.
743
00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:21,900
Thanks. It's great.
I love it here.
744
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:23,900
All the sexually repressed energy. Oh.
745
00:32:23,935 --> 00:32:26,300
I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.
746
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,400
I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.
747
00:32:28,435 --> 00:32:29,600
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
748
00:32:29,700 --> 00:32:31,800
Well, hey, why don't you just
hang around and meet some guys?
749
00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:33,500
Oh, no, thanks, man,
I'm not into guys.
750
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,700
I totally respect your lifestyle
choice, though. And good luck with it.
751
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:38,700
Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.
752
00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:41,700
I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good to see you.
753
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:43,900
I'll see you later, Thor.
I mean Dirk.
754
00:32:43,935 --> 00:32:46,100
Uh, I mean Trent.
Sorry, Troy.
755
00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:48,600
Whoop, sorry, Goldie.
756
00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:53,100
Schrader, where you been? I've
been calling you for half an hour.
757
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,100
What the hell, man?
I'm in the middle of rush.
758
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,400
I don't care, man.
I got a situation goin' on.
759
00:32:57,500 --> 00:32:58,900
This is huge for me,
all right?
760
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,900
You can't be here right now.
Okay, okay, okay.
761
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,200
Remember that time we had to
steal my mom's birth control pills?
762
00:33:03,235 --> 00:33:05,700
Yeah, and then Lizzie was
born. It's worse than that.
763
00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:07,200
Where did these people
come from?
764
00:33:07,300 --> 00:33:10,000
Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going out of business.
765
00:33:10,100 --> 00:33:11,700
What is happening? I'll
tell you what's happening.
766
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:14,600
I told you to make the website
look legitimate, not functional.
767
00:33:14,700 --> 00:33:17,000
Hey, you wanted to fool your
dad. And the guy's not an idiot.
768
00:33:17,100 --> 00:33:20,300
And, also, it was your idea to put
"Acceptance is just one click away. "
769
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,800
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click
away, you don't make it clickable.
770
00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,800
Oh, my...
Holy shit.
771
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:27,900
Yeah.
772
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,100
They all paid
first semester's tuition?
773
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,000
Oh, yeah.
10,000 bucks apiece.
774
00:33:32,100 --> 00:33:34,300
I stopped counting
after the first 100 checks.
775
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:36,400
That's $74,000,000.
776
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,200
It's $1,000,000, Glen.
777
00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:41,200
Yeah. In human dollars.
778
00:33:41,235 --> 00:33:43,700
Okay, okay, okay.
We gotta do something.
779
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,400
Hey, don't look at me. Ask
one of the founding fathers.
780
00:33:46,500 --> 00:33:47,500
B?
781
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,700
This isn't my deal, man.
782
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,000
I told you this was a
bad idea from the get-go.
783
00:33:53,100 --> 00:33:54,100
True.
784
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:57,200
We could have
a Battle Royale.
785
00:33:58,700 --> 00:34:00,400
Wow.
What is that?
786
00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:05,300
B, you gotta
tell these people to go home.
787
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:07,000
You are absolutely right,
my friend.
788
00:34:07,100 --> 00:34:08,500
I started this,
I'm gonna finish it.
789
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:09,700
Thank you.
790
00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:17,600
Go.
791
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,400
Hey. Hey, Glen!
792
00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:29,700
All right.
793
00:34:34,900 --> 00:34:36,700
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
794
00:34:36,900 --> 00:34:38,900
Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.
795
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,900
Can I... Can I just get your
attention for one minute?
796
00:34:40,935 --> 00:34:43,300
Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.
797
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,200
Just give me one second,
please. Hold on. All right.
798
00:34:45,300 --> 00:34:46,800
Who the hell are you?
799
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,300
Ah-ah. Okay.
800
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:51,700
That's a good question.
Thank you.
801
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,700
My name's Bartleby. Hello.
802
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,000
Um, Gaines,
for what it's worth.
803
00:34:56,100 --> 00:34:58,100
And, um, you know
on the website how it said,
804
00:34:58,135 --> 00:35:00,200
"Acceptance is just
one click away"?
805
00:35:00,300 --> 00:35:01,400
Do you remember that?
806
00:35:01,435 --> 00:35:02,700
We had intended...
Hold on.
807
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,500
We added that because
we were... Aw, shit.
808
00:35:06,100 --> 00:35:09,000
Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?
809
00:35:09,035 --> 00:35:10,900
When I got accepted here,
810
00:35:10,935 --> 00:35:14,100
it was the first time my parents
ever said they were proud of me!
811
00:35:27,300 --> 00:35:30,100
That's cool.
Um, that's cool, man.
812
00:35:35,100 --> 00:35:38,900
Hey, uh, just show of hands, how
many people applied to other colleges?
813
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:42,100
Everybody. Uh, okay.
814
00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:45,400
And how many of you got in to
the other places you applied to?
815
00:35:53,100 --> 00:35:54,200
Nobody.
816
00:35:54,300 --> 00:35:56,000
Nobody got in anywhere else?
817
00:35:58,300 --> 00:36:01,000
And you know what?
I didn't, either.
818
00:36:01,100 --> 00:36:02,600
I didn't get into
a real college.
819
00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:04,600
A really, really good college.
820
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,100
I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.
821
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,000
Rejection blows.
Being said no to.
822
00:36:10,100 --> 00:36:11,800
You know what, I'm sorry, you're
just not quite good enough.
823
00:36:11,900 --> 00:36:13,100
You didn't have
enough extracurriculars.
824
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:14,200
You didn't play enough tennis.
825
00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:16,800
You didn't study hard enough for your
scores. So you're not gonna make it.
826
00:36:16,900 --> 00:36:18,700
You know what? Screw that!
827
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:19,900
What's he doing?
828
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:21,100
I think
he's winging it.
829
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:23,700
Shouldn't we all have
the chance to be said yes to?
830
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:27,100
At South Harmon,
we say yes to you!
831
00:36:27,135 --> 00:36:29,200
We say yes to your hopes.
832
00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:31,200
We say yes to your dreams.
833
00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:33,900
We say yes to your flaws!
So welcome!
834
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:35,400
Grab a room, grab a friend,
835
00:36:35,500 --> 00:36:37,000
grab yourself,
we don't give a shit.
836
00:36:37,100 --> 00:36:39,800
Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!
837
00:36:43,300 --> 00:36:44,400
Oh, man.
838
00:36:44,500 --> 00:36:46,200
And welcome to S.H.I.T.!
839
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,300
You! I love you!
840
00:37:04,900 --> 00:37:05,900
What are you doing?
841
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,100
Do you realize
how stupid this is?
842
00:37:08,135 --> 00:37:10,200
You invited everyone to a
college that doesn't exist.
843
00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:12,800
I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.
844
00:37:12,900 --> 00:37:14,100
They got rejected
from everywhere.
845
00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:17,000
What... What kind of message does that
send if I reject them from my college?
846
00:37:17,100 --> 00:37:18,700
You don't have a college!
847
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,000
Hey, hey, hey,
where's the bookstore?
848
00:37:20,100 --> 00:37:21,100
Oh, we have a deal
with Amazon.
849
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:22,500
You just buy 'em
with a credit card.
850
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:23,600
When do we sign up
for classes?
851
00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:25,200
Uh, we extended orientation.
You're fine.
852
00:37:25,300 --> 00:37:27,200
Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?
853
00:37:27,235 --> 00:37:29,000
Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.
Order them.
854
00:37:29,035 --> 00:37:31,000
18 pizza pockets.
What? No, no, no. 3...
855
00:37:31,100 --> 00:37:33,700
Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?
856
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:37,500
Who? What?
Me, I guess.
857
00:37:38,100 --> 00:37:40,800
I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.
858
00:37:40,900 --> 00:37:43,300
I'm a college girl now!
Aw, yeah.
859
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:44,600
Wow.
860
00:37:44,700 --> 00:37:48,200
Uh, B, hey, uh, you just
started a fictional college.
861
00:37:48,235 --> 00:37:49,600
Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.
862
00:37:49,700 --> 00:37:50,900
Hey, do you guys have
a swim team here?
863
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,300
Yes, you know what? This is Hands
Holloway. He's the Athletic Director.
864
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,900
He can help you with anything you
need to know. I can't do it right now.
865
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,300
Thank you, though, thank you,
I'm sorry.
866
00:37:57,335 --> 00:38:00,300
Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do
now? I just need a minute to think.
867
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:03,200
What? What the...
Holy shit!
868
00:38:08,100 --> 00:38:10,900
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!
869
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:12,700
What the hell
are you guys doing?
870
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,700
What do you mean?
We're makin' the room bigger!
871
00:38:14,735 --> 00:38:17,500
Yeah, Thorgeous,
but this is my room.
872
00:38:17,535 --> 00:38:20,500
Who's in charge of room
assignments around here, anyway?
873
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:22,200
Guys, I'd like you
to meet Rory.
874
00:38:22,235 --> 00:38:25,200
She is the resident S.H.I.T.
room assignmenter.
875
00:38:25,300 --> 00:38:27,200
And she'll be more than happy
to help you out with that. Okay?
876
00:38:27,235 --> 00:38:30,300
Okay, uh, I... I guess
I'll show you your rooms.
877
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,700
Follow me.
Thanks.
878
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:33,100
Sorry about the wall.
879
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,300
Oh, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, man.
880
00:38:34,335 --> 00:38:35,900
It happens all the time.
No problem.
881
00:38:35,935 --> 00:38:37,500
Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problem
882
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:39,100
because you don't know
how to run a college.
883
00:38:39,135 --> 00:38:40,400
It's fine. It's okay.
It's fine.
884
00:38:40,435 --> 00:38:42,900
We'll just relax, get some sleep,
we'll regroup tomorrow morning.
885
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,300
It will be totally calm.
886
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,400
Ahoy! Scallywags
and scally-ladies.
887
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,300
Okay, dude, B, I'm with you
on this, I am.
888
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,200
But we need a plan, dude.
We need a plan now.
889
00:39:08,235 --> 00:39:10,300
I know. I know.
I... I... I... I'm processing.
890
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,100
You're gonna need
to process faster.
891
00:39:16,700 --> 00:39:19,600
What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.
892
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:21,900
<i>- Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.</i>
893
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,300
<i>How you doin', kid?</i>
894
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,500
Dad, now is not the... the...
the best time to talk.
895
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:26,600
<i>Hang on,
let me get your mother.</i>
896
00:39:26,700 --> 00:39:28,100
Can I have this? Come
here, let me talk to you.
897
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,400
Diane, pick up!
Honey! Is it you?
898
00:39:31,500 --> 00:39:32,700
Stop yellin'
in the damn phone.
899
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,600
Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.
900
00:39:35,700 --> 00:39:37,100
How's school so far?
901
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,200
Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...
902
00:39:39,300 --> 00:39:41,400
Hey, someone here
order two dozen kegs?
903
00:39:41,500 --> 00:39:44,200
The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.
904
00:39:44,235 --> 00:39:45,500
<i>What the hell
was that?</i>
905
00:39:45,535 --> 00:39:47,300
Sounded like he said
something about two dozen kegs.
906
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:49,200
Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?
907
00:39:49,300 --> 00:39:50,900
<i>Aw, no, no, no.
He said two dozen eggs, Mom.</i>
908
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:52,800
You misunderstood.
Two dozen eggs.
909
00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:54,100
What took you so long?
910
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,000
I've been building
a thirst over there!
911
00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:58,700
Hey, listen, I'm not paying for
you to be making omelets up there.
912
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:00,400
<i>Tell me what classes
you're taking.</i>
913
00:40:00,435 --> 00:40:01,400
Classes?
914
00:40:01,700 --> 00:40:03,500
Uh, right. I'm taking...
915
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:06,100
Statistics.
916
00:40:06,300 --> 00:40:08,500
And, uh, business
917
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,200
and anatomy.
918
00:40:11,300 --> 00:40:13,100
<i>- Anatomy?
- Anatomy?</i>
919
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:14,400
Thanks, dude.
920
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:15,700
<i>Bartleby, Bartleby!</i>
921
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:16,800
Yeah!
922
00:40:20,300 --> 00:40:22,900
Hey. I always wanted
to go to college.
923
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:24,600
Couldn't get in
anywhere, though,
924
00:40:24,700 --> 00:40:25,900
'cause I was in the military.
925
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,000
Oh.
Beverage ops.
926
00:40:27,100 --> 00:40:29,300
I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.
927
00:40:29,335 --> 00:40:31,000
Next thing I know
CIA swoops in,
928
00:40:31,100 --> 00:40:32,900
does this whole
brain-scramble thing.
929
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:34,000
Now I can't remember anything.
930
00:40:34,035 --> 00:40:35,600
So do you have room
at the college for me?
931
00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:38,700
You know what, we already
started the semester, I'm sorry.
932
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:40,500
That's cool, man.
Yeah.
933
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,500
It's just I... I got
my GI Bill,
934
00:40:42,535 --> 00:40:44,800
and I can pay you
all four years in advance.
935
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:47,500
Okay, you're in.
Yeah!
936
00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,600
Yeah, welcome
to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!
937
00:40:51,100 --> 00:40:52,300
How's the processing?
938
00:40:53,700 --> 00:40:56,100
I just have to figure
this whole college thing out.
939
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:04,700
Here at Harmon College,
we offer a highly structured,
940
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:08,800
time-tested curriculum carefully
designed to stimulate the young mind.
941
00:41:08,900 --> 00:41:12,100
So, Mr. Gaines, you're
thinking about transferring?
942
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:13,300
I don't know
about transferring.
943
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,000
My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.
944
00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:16,600
But I just kind of
want to figure out
945
00:41:16,700 --> 00:41:18,200
what all this
is all about.
946
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:19,400
Sorry.
947
00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:22,700
A
- And what college are you attending right now? Sorry?
948
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,400
The college that you're... Oh,
it's down there. By the thing.
949
00:41:25,500 --> 00:41:26,500
Pardon me?
950
00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:29,400
I'd like to look around, if
that's okay. Uh, that's fine.
951
00:41:29,500 --> 00:41:30,600
If that's what
you'd like to do.
952
00:41:30,700 --> 00:41:33,200
Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.
953
00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:34,300
Oh, shit. Sorry.
954
00:41:34,335 --> 00:41:37,100
That's all right. No. You know
what? Leave them, leave them alone.
955
00:41:37,135 --> 00:41:39,000
Leave it,
leave them alone.
956
00:41:39,100 --> 00:41:40,500
And go on and take
your tour, okay?
957
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,400
A single rate of income tax
eliminates loopholes,
958
00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:47,400
allowances and exemptions
959
00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:49,700
as well as
encourages payments
960
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:51,800
through use of
low interest rates,
961
00:41:51,900 --> 00:41:53,400
which theoretically
would cause
962
00:41:53,500 --> 00:41:54,600
an economic boom.
963
00:41:54,700 --> 00:41:58,000
Now if you would refer
back... Aw, shit. I'm sorry.
964
00:42:01,700 --> 00:42:03,400
So theoretically
what I was saying was...
965
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:04,500
This guy's pretty boring.
966
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:06,400
Don't talk to me, man! Right,
this is gonna be on the midterm.
967
00:42:06,500 --> 00:42:08,100
And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.
968
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:14,700
This guy's...
EBITA!
969
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:15,900
What?
970
00:42:15,935 --> 00:42:18,700
Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.
971
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:23,100
<i>Good afternoon, students,</i>
972
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,100
<i>and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.</i>
973
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:26,400
What the... What is this?
974
00:42:26,435 --> 00:42:29,200
<i>We'll begin today's lecture...</i>
975
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,600
Okay, great, yeah. I'll see
you in the library at 8:00.
976
00:42:37,700 --> 00:42:39,700
And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.
977
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:41,300
Bye, Monica.
978
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,200
Monica. Hey.
979
00:42:49,300 --> 00:42:52,000
Bartleby. Hey, what, are you
stalking me or something?
980
00:42:52,100 --> 00:42:53,100
Stalking's an ugly word.
981
00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:55,900
I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing. Oh.
982
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,300
I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out the classes.
983
00:42:58,335 --> 00:43:00,700
Really? Yeah. Do you
like all your classes?
984
00:43:00,735 --> 00:43:02,800
Yeah. I mean, well,
I'm taking a bunch of classes
985
00:43:02,835 --> 00:43:04,200
that I don't
really care about.
986
00:43:04,300 --> 00:43:06,300
There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.
987
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:08,700
But, um, I ended up not being
able to. But, you know, it's okay.
988
00:43:08,735 --> 00:43:10,200
What was that one
that you wanted to take?
989
00:43:10,235 --> 00:43:13,700
Uh, ph-photography. It's...
Really? That's cool.
990
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:15,600
Yeah.
What was the problem?
991
00:43:15,700 --> 00:43:18,300
Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class,
992
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:20,200
but they said it's only
for journalism majors.
993
00:43:20,300 --> 00:43:21,900
And then there's this
art photography class,
994
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:23,600
but they said
it's for fine arts majors.
995
00:43:23,700 --> 00:43:27,000
So my advisor said it would be best
not to take either one, or something,
996
00:43:27,100 --> 00:43:29,000
because certain
photography classes
997
00:43:29,100 --> 00:43:31,400
don't apply
to a degree in photography.
998
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,700
Wow, that makes,
that makes no sense at all.
999
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,200
I know.
Um, but I'm really sorry.
1000
00:43:36,300 --> 00:43:38,800
I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for
my Ancient Roman History class.
1001
00:43:38,835 --> 00:43:41,600
It was good seeing you. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
1002
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,200
Hey, uh...
1003
00:43:49,100 --> 00:43:51,600
I'm... I'm just saying, I
mean, is that what college is?
1004
00:43:51,635 --> 00:43:54,300
What were you expecting? A
renaissance of the human spirit?
1005
00:43:54,335 --> 00:43:56,600
American education
is in the shitter.
1006
00:43:56,700 --> 00:43:57,900
You know why?
1007
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:01,000
Because people forget
the most important rule.
1008
00:44:01,300 --> 00:44:03,900
College is
a service industry.
1009
00:44:04,300 --> 00:44:05,300
A service industry?
1010
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:09,200
As in "serve us," as opposed
to the other way around.
1011
00:44:09,235 --> 00:44:11,300
Look, you see
all these kids out here?
1012
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:12,900
They all paid
to come here.
1013
00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:14,700
Right. They all paid for an experience.
1014
00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:16,300
What kind of experience?
1015
00:44:16,335 --> 00:44:18,800
The hell if I know.
I'm not a goddamn mind reader.
1016
00:44:19,500 --> 00:44:21,200
Well, maybe
I should just ask them.
1017
00:44:21,300 --> 00:44:23,200
Welcome to the conversation.
1018
00:44:23,300 --> 00:44:25,000
What do I want to learn?
1019
00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:27,600
Why are you asking me?
1020
00:44:27,635 --> 00:44:29,700
Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunch
1021
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,600
that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?
1022
00:44:31,700 --> 00:44:34,900
Well, I like pancakes and
alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.
1023
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:37,500
Okay, you know what, let's appropriate
the bulk of this man's tuition
1024
00:44:37,600 --> 00:44:39,000
to learning more
about the culinary arts.
1025
00:44:39,100 --> 00:44:40,300
Huh?
Food.
1026
00:44:40,335 --> 00:44:41,600
All right.
All right.
1027
00:44:41,700 --> 00:44:42,900
Rory. What about you?
1028
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:45,600
Ever since nursery school,
every single waking moment
1029
00:44:45,700 --> 00:44:47,700
of every single day
has been scheduled.
1030
00:44:47,735 --> 00:44:49,400
So what do I want to do?
1031
00:44:50,300 --> 00:44:51,300
Nothing.
1032
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,400
Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like
it. Hands, what about you?
1033
00:44:54,500 --> 00:44:57,000
Summer camp I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy's
1034
00:44:57,100 --> 00:45:00,100
coveted woodcarving award
and next day,
1035
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:02,300
ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.
1036
00:45:02,335 --> 00:45:05,100
Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.
Good, something with your hands.
1037
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:06,200
Well, there may be
something in there.
1038
00:45:06,300 --> 00:45:09,400
You can think about that, and
then get back to me. All right?
1039
00:45:09,500 --> 00:45:12,200
Schrader, what about you? Well,
B, I'm glad you asked, actually.
1040
00:45:12,300 --> 00:45:13,600
'Cause since
we're going to prison,
1041
00:45:13,700 --> 00:45:16,100
I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.
1042
00:45:16,135 --> 00:45:18,100
Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you
something, though.
1043
00:45:18,135 --> 00:45:20,000
All our lives we've
been told what to learn.
1044
00:45:20,100 --> 00:45:22,300
Well, today the tide
is gonna turn, my friend.
1045
00:45:22,335 --> 00:45:24,100
Because today
we're gonna ask the customer.
1046
00:45:24,135 --> 00:45:26,200
What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?
1047
00:45:26,300 --> 00:45:27,600
What am I interested
in studying?
1048
00:45:27,700 --> 00:45:28,700
Huh?
What?
1049
00:45:28,735 --> 00:45:30,300
W- What?
Come again.
1050
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:32,100
That's a good question.
No, really, come again.
1051
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:34,000
I thought you were
supposed to tell us.
1052
00:45:34,100 --> 00:45:35,700
Please come again!
1053
00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:37,000
I want to meet girls.
1054
00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:38,100
Girls.
Girls.
1055
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:41,200
Some girls!
Uh, girls.
1056
00:45:41,300 --> 00:45:42,400
I wanna rock!
1057
00:45:43,600 --> 00:45:44,700
You know, and roll.
1058
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,600
Well, as you can probably
tell at this point,
1059
00:45:46,700 --> 00:45:48,500
is that I really want to learn
how to slow things down.
1060
00:45:48,535 --> 00:45:50,200
More speed.
More vert.
1061
00:45:50,300 --> 00:45:52,200
Maybe something
with clothes, you know?
1062
00:45:52,300 --> 00:45:53,700
Putting them on,
taking them off.
1063
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:56,100
I'm really good at that part.
You wanna see?
1064
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:59,200
I want to learn how to
blow shit up with my mind.
1065
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,500
Okay. Well, write it on the board.
1066
00:46:05,100 --> 00:46:06,100
Go ahead.
1067
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:12,600
Okay, thanks. Okay.
1068
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:16,000
All right.
Thank you, smiley.
1069
00:46:16,100 --> 00:46:18,100
Pleasure doing business
with you.
1070
00:46:18,135 --> 00:46:19,300
Yeah, buddy.
1071
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,700
Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.
1072
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,700
If you're rich,
the government'll protect
1073
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:32,600
every buck you make
and every shit you take.
1074
00:46:35,500 --> 00:46:37,900
Kiki Dee.
Got a job for you, kid.
1075
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,000
New school colors and logo.
You're in charge.
1076
00:46:40,100 --> 00:46:41,800
Really?
Don't screw it up.
1077
00:46:41,835 --> 00:46:45,200
I won't screw it up,
I... I won't screw anything...
1078
00:47:10,300 --> 00:47:11,400
What are you?
1079
00:47:42,500 --> 00:47:45,600
Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!
1080
00:47:45,700 --> 00:47:49,200
You get sick on a Friday, they only
pay for Monday through Thursday.
1081
00:47:49,300 --> 00:47:52,400
You go to Dr. A,
they only pay for Dr. B.
1082
00:47:52,500 --> 00:47:55,500
You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.
1083
00:47:55,700 --> 00:47:57,600
You mind if I join you?
1084
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:04,100
Ah, cool. Awesome.
Thank you, that was great!
1085
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:05,700
I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.
1086
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:07,900
That's pretty, uh...
1087
00:48:08,300 --> 00:48:09,600
I know, right?
1088
00:48:09,700 --> 00:48:11,800
That's African
fertility sculpture.
1089
00:48:11,900 --> 00:48:13,700
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
1090
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:18,300
The wood speaks to me.
1091
00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:20,500
The wood speaks to you?
1092
00:48:26,700 --> 00:48:29,900
Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. line.
1093
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:37,500
Thank you.
1094
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:40,800
What is learning?
It's paying attention!
1095
00:48:40,835 --> 00:48:45,500
It's opening yourself up to this great
big ball of shit that we call life!
1096
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,900
And what's the worst thing that
can happen? You get bit in the ass!
1097
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,400
Well, let me tell you, my
ass looks like hamburger meat,
1098
00:48:52,500 --> 00:48:54,600
but I can still sit down!
1099
00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:00,600
I can't believe
this is a class.
1100
00:49:00,700 --> 00:49:01,700
Yeah.
1101
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:13,000
Look what I did.
1102
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:15,300
Ugh. What are those?
1103
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:16,700
I call 'em GlenWads.
1104
00:49:16,800 --> 00:49:19,800
They contain every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.
1105
00:49:19,835 --> 00:49:21,500
I'm not gonna lie to you.
They look disgusting.
1106
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:23,800
This shit will get you high
on flavor alone.
1107
00:49:23,835 --> 00:49:26,500
Glen, I love
your Wads. Hmm.
1108
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:27,600
Glen.
1109
00:49:27,635 --> 00:49:30,800
This is like the most... Literally the
most incredible thing I've ever eaten.
1110
00:49:31,300 --> 00:49:32,800
Heads up, bro.
1111
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,000
Whoa.
1112
00:49:34,500 --> 00:49:38,700
And it's so easy to
swallow. Mmm. Wow, Glen.
1113
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:40,600
Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy.
Sure.
1114
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:42,600
Hey, how's it going?
Hey.
1115
00:49:42,700 --> 00:49:44,300
Can I help you with something?
1116
00:49:44,335 --> 00:49:46,100
Aren't you that guy?
1117
00:49:46,500 --> 00:49:48,000
No, I don't think so.
1118
00:49:48,100 --> 00:49:50,000
You're not?
I'm not what?
1119
00:49:50,100 --> 00:49:52,100
I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?
1120
00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:54,500
I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?
1121
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:56,300
Wait... wait, let me guess.
1122
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:58,500
You want me
to sign your petition
1123
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:01,400
banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?
1124
00:50:01,800 --> 00:50:03,300
I am the chairman,
actually,
1125
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,600
of the Student Community Outreach
Committee at Harmon College.
1126
00:50:05,700 --> 00:50:07,800
Ah! That was my next guess.
My next guess.
1127
00:50:07,900 --> 00:50:09,000
That sounds very important.
1128
00:50:09,100 --> 00:50:10,900
As a matter of fact, it is!
That's why I said it.
1129
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,300
And Harmon wants
to buy this property,
1130
00:50:12,335 --> 00:50:15,400
so do you know where I
could find the lease holder?
1131
00:50:15,500 --> 00:50:16,600
I do.
1132
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,000
Well, could you tell me?
1133
00:50:22,035 --> 00:50:24,400
Oh, yeah, I could.
I could, Gunther.
1134
00:50:24,435 --> 00:50:26,000
Okay, well,
are you going to tell me?
1135
00:50:26,035 --> 00:50:28,000
No. I'm not gonna tell you.
I will tell you this.
1136
00:50:28,035 --> 00:50:30,500
The lease holder's not interested
in relocating at any point.
1137
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:32,700
So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.
1138
00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:35,000
And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.
1139
00:50:35,100 --> 00:50:36,400
Oh, look out.
1140
00:50:36,435 --> 00:50:37,800
Open it.
1141
00:50:37,900 --> 00:50:40,400
Ah. Thank you for coming by.
1142
00:50:40,500 --> 00:50:43,400
Have a good day.
I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.
1143
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,200
Hey! What the hell
is this place?
1144
00:50:48,900 --> 00:50:52,000
South Harmon Institute of
Technology. The best college ever.
1145
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:04,800
Is this a test?
1146
00:51:09,500 --> 00:51:11,200
Hey, Sperminator.
1147
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,300
South Harmon?
1148
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:18,600
Knock, knock.
1149
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:20,800
Oh, hey, Gwynn.
1150
00:51:20,900 --> 00:51:23,400
Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?
1151
00:51:23,435 --> 00:51:25,300
You know, you're
missing the whole party.
1152
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,900
Hey, have you ever heard of the
South Harmon Institute of Technology?
1153
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:30,500
No. How come?
1154
00:51:31,700 --> 00:51:32,700
No reason.
1155
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:34,700
Hey, pledge.
1156
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,100
Hello, knights of freedom.
1157
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:40,000
Sperman, do you know
why you're dressed like this?
1158
00:51:40,100 --> 00:51:42,100
Because it's required
for brotherhood.
1159
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,600
Drink this.
Okay.
1160
00:51:44,700 --> 00:51:46,000
No, wait.
1161
00:51:49,700 --> 00:51:50,900
There you go.
1162
00:51:51,100 --> 00:51:52,900
Good addition, sir.
1163
00:52:03,500 --> 00:52:06,100
Hey, Hoyt.
Hey, what are you doin'?
1164
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:09,100
Oh-oh. Hoyt.
1165
00:52:10,700 --> 00:52:12,500
Monica. Hold on. Shit!
1166
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:21,200
Harmon Gateway, my ass.
Let me tell you something.
1167
00:52:21,300 --> 00:52:25,200
That's the kind of group-think mob
mentality that's dumbing down America
1168
00:52:25,300 --> 00:52:27,200
and flushing your brains
down the toilet.
1169
00:52:27,235 --> 00:52:30,000
B! We have a problem.
1170
00:52:33,500 --> 00:52:34,700
Virgin daiquiri.
1171
00:52:34,735 --> 00:52:36,800
And easy on the lime there,
Eraserhead.
1172
00:52:36,900 --> 00:52:38,100
Comin' right up.
1173
00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:40,500
Lizzie.
What are you doing here?
1174
00:52:40,535 --> 00:52:44,100
You mean I can't swing by and
visit my big brother at college?
1175
00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:46,400
You are in college,
aren't you?
1176
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:48,100
What is that
supposed to mean?
1177
00:52:48,135 --> 00:52:50,300
Come on, Bartleby.
The jig's up.
1178
00:52:50,335 --> 00:52:52,200
I'm telling Mom and Dad.
1179
00:52:52,300 --> 00:52:54,100
Uh, listen,
w- w-what do you want?
1180
00:52:54,200 --> 00:52:55,400
$20,000.
1181
00:52:55,500 --> 00:52:58,000
What? No way!
That's insane. Come on.
1182
00:52:58,100 --> 00:52:59,500
I'm not gonna
play your little game.
1183
00:52:59,535 --> 00:53:00,800
I'm not gonna
give you a cent.
1184
00:53:00,835 --> 00:53:03,200
How do you like that? How
do you like them apples, huh?
1185
00:53:03,235 --> 00:53:05,200
Fortunately, Mom and Dad
are on speed dial.
1186
00:53:05,300 --> 00:53:07,000
Oh. I'll ask them to pick me up here.
1187
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:09,500
Okay, you're gonna call
Mom and Dad, sure. Ringing.
1188
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:10,800
You are bluffing
with the best.
1189
00:53:10,900 --> 00:53:12,500
You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.
1190
00:53:12,600 --> 00:53:13,700
Hi, Mom.
Okay, stop it.
1191
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:15,100
Anything you want,
not money-related.
1192
00:53:15,135 --> 00:53:16,200
Your Razor scooter.
Done.
1193
00:53:16,235 --> 00:53:18,100
And a fake ID.
No! That's ridiculous.
1194
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:19,600
I'm not gonna let you drink.
1195
00:53:19,635 --> 00:53:21,700
It's so I can vote, dumbass.
1196
00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:24,300
Oh. Okay, deal.
1197
00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:28,500
You need a Razor scooter
to vote?
1198
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:31,500
What do you mean,
they're a college?
1199
00:53:31,535 --> 00:53:33,700
They're called the South
Harmon Institute of Technology.
1200
00:53:33,735 --> 00:53:35,800
The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
1201
00:53:35,835 --> 00:53:37,700
What is this,
some kind of joke?
1202
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,400
No, I don't think it is, sir.
1203
00:53:39,435 --> 00:53:41,200
Mr. Ambrose,
that is the one building
1204
00:53:41,235 --> 00:53:43,400
standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.
1205
00:53:43,500 --> 00:53:45,000
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.
1206
00:53:45,100 --> 00:53:46,700
Tell me that
you're not that naive.
1207
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:49,800
Colleges don't just spring up
out of the ground overnight.
1208
00:53:49,900 --> 00:53:51,000
You're right.
You're right, sir.
1209
00:53:51,100 --> 00:53:52,700
I know I'm right!
1210
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:55,800
All right, don't worry. I'll... I'll
figure a way to get them out of there.
1211
00:53:55,835 --> 00:53:57,800
What an excellent idea,
Mr. Ambrose.
1212
00:53:57,900 --> 00:54:00,900
That's the kind of thinking that
will get you into law school.
1213
00:54:28,300 --> 00:54:30,000
Coming through!
1214
00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:31,100
Ow!
1215
00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:46,700
Hey, what are you
doing here?
1216
00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:49,200
I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.
1217
00:54:49,300 --> 00:54:51,000
It was so sweet, thank you.
1218
00:54:51,035 --> 00:54:54,100
Come on. Please, I figured, who
needs a life's savings, right?
1219
00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:56,600
Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.
1220
00:54:56,635 --> 00:54:58,100
You... You guys aren't listed
in the phone book,
1221
00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:00,100
and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.
1222
00:55:00,135 --> 00:55:02,600
Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.
1223
00:55:02,700 --> 00:55:04,800
Well, let me... let me show
you the rest of the place.
1224
00:55:04,900 --> 00:55:05,900
Sure. Really?
1225
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,100
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
1226
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:08,200
Great.
Great.
1227
00:55:08,300 --> 00:55:10,300
Let's, let's go.
All right.
1228
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,000
Two lava flows.
Thank you.
1229
00:55:13,100 --> 00:55:14,500
And keep your voice down.
People are playing.
1230
00:55:14,535 --> 00:55:17,200
Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1231
00:55:17,300 --> 00:55:19,100
He makes a mean drink.
Yeah. It's great.
1232
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:20,500
All right. Hello.
1233
00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:22,100
<i>How do you like your drink?</i>
1234
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:24,200
Yeah, it's really good, Glen.
Thanks.
1235
00:55:24,300 --> 00:55:25,300
<i>Does she like hers?</i>
1236
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:26,700
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she...
1237
00:55:26,800 --> 00:55:27,900
Yeah, it's great.
Thank you.
1238
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:29,300
<i>Okay, great, thanks.
Okay, pal. Okay.</i>
1239
00:55:29,335 --> 00:55:30,700
Ah, Glen.
1240
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,700
Wait. So this is
your course guide?
1241
00:55:32,800 --> 00:55:34,000
Yeah, this is
a new pilot program.
1242
00:55:34,100 --> 00:55:35,900
See, the administration wanted
us to create our own classes,
1243
00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:38,200
so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.
1244
00:55:38,300 --> 00:55:39,400
Really?
Yeah.
1245
00:55:39,500 --> 00:55:40,700
Wow, that's so cool, B.
1246
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:42,000
Hey, why don't you
sign up for one? No, no.
1247
00:55:42,100 --> 00:55:43,600
Come on. Sign up for one.
No. No, Bartleby, no.
1248
00:55:43,700 --> 00:55:45,300
It... It's painless. I insist.
Oh, really?
1249
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:47,300
Even if you don't sign up for
one you'll go on a fun ride.
1250
00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:48,700
Okay.
1251
00:55:48,735 --> 00:55:50,400
Just stop me when you see
something that you like.
1252
00:55:50,500 --> 00:55:53,500
Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"Men: The Weaker Sex. "
1253
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:54,900
Give me a pen.
Oh.
1254
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:58,500
B, there can't honestly be a
class called "Bullshitting 236."
1255
00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,700
What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?
1256
00:56:01,800 --> 00:56:03,000
There's a wait list
for that one.
1257
00:56:08,200 --> 00:56:09,300
What?
1258
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:11,600
Are... Are you okay?
1259
00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:12,800
What?
1260
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:14,600
What the hell happened?
1261
00:56:14,700 --> 00:56:16,200
An explosion of flavor!
1262
00:56:16,300 --> 00:56:18,700
I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!
1263
00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:21,400
Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling me
1264
00:56:21,500 --> 00:56:23,900
that there are no tests,
or essays,
1265
00:56:24,500 --> 00:56:26,900
or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?
1266
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:29,000
That's what I'm sayin'. Wow. Ever?
1267
00:56:29,035 --> 00:56:30,200
Yeah. Never ever.
1268
00:56:30,300 --> 00:56:32,100
Ask me about my wiener!
That's amazing.
1269
00:56:32,135 --> 00:56:33,800
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
1270
00:56:34,300 --> 00:56:35,800
Oh, no.
1271
00:56:35,900 --> 00:56:37,800
Ask me about my wiener!
1272
00:56:39,300 --> 00:56:40,600
What the...
1273
00:56:40,700 --> 00:56:43,400
Ask me about my wiener!
1274
00:56:45,500 --> 00:56:46,600
Schrader?
1275
00:56:46,700 --> 00:56:47,900
Oh, hey, B. Hi.
1276
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:49,100
And Monica.
1277
00:56:49,300 --> 00:56:51,400
Hey. Why... Why are you wearing this?
1278
00:56:51,500 --> 00:56:54,400
Every single brother in my
fraternity has worn this suit.
1279
00:56:54,435 --> 00:56:56,900
President James Garfield wore
this suit like a gentleman.
1280
00:56:56,935 --> 00:56:58,200
Oh, yeah,
and look what happened to him.
1281
00:56:58,235 --> 00:57:00,500
He got assassinated
by Charles Guiteau.
1282
00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:02,600
Don't ask me
how I know that.
1283
00:57:02,635 --> 00:57:04,800
Do me a favor, ask me about
my wiener really quickly.
1284
00:57:04,835 --> 00:57:06,100
Schrader, no.
1285
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:08,000
Guys, my brothers could
be watching me right now.
1286
00:57:08,035 --> 00:57:09,600
Just ask me
about my wiener, please.
1287
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:12,600
Why are you doing
this? What do you mean?
1288
00:57:12,700 --> 00:57:14,200
Come on. You're...
This...
1289
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:16,000
You're humiliating
yourself, buddy.
1290
00:57:16,100 --> 00:57:18,300
You know what, B.
Don't mess with me!
1291
00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:20,400
These are the happiest times
of my life, all right?
1292
00:57:20,500 --> 00:57:23,100
Schrader. I'm so
happy, I'm the happiest.
1293
00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:24,300
I'm happy!
1294
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:27,800
Hey! Ask me about my wiener!
1295
00:57:28,600 --> 00:57:30,100
<i>S.H.I.T. Rag.
Hot off the presses.</i>
1296
00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:32,800
Here you go, B.
Thanks, Boner.
1297
00:57:32,835 --> 00:57:33,900
<i>The S.H.I.T. Rag?</i>
1298
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:35,400
Yeah, come on, every
school's gotta have a paper.
1299
00:57:35,435 --> 00:57:38,100
There's a great op-ed piece in there
about not believing everything you read.
1300
00:57:38,200 --> 00:57:39,300
It's really provocative.
1301
00:57:39,335 --> 00:57:43,200
As your de facto consigliere my advice
to you is to shut this down immediately.
1302
00:57:43,235 --> 00:57:45,000
And my advice to you
is to stop worrying
1303
00:57:45,035 --> 00:57:46,500
before you
spontaneously combust.
1304
00:57:46,535 --> 00:57:47,900
Yes, but you can't
just do this.
1305
00:57:47,935 --> 00:57:49,100
To be a real college,
1306
00:57:49,200 --> 00:57:51,000
you have to go through the
appropriate legal channels.
1307
00:57:51,035 --> 00:57:52,100
You need to be accredited.
1308
00:57:52,200 --> 00:57:53,800
Well, yeah,
could you take care of that?
1309
00:57:53,900 --> 00:57:56,900
Hey, B.
Pancho, looking good, pal.
1310
00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:58,200
Who's that?
Spank me.
1311
00:57:58,300 --> 00:57:59,700
That's, uh, the mascot.
1312
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:01,400
Oh, it's the mascot?
Yeah.
1313
00:58:01,435 --> 00:58:02,700
A sandwich?
Yes.
1314
00:58:02,735 --> 00:58:05,300
You're the S.H.I.T.
Sandwiches? Yes, we are.
1315
00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:07,500
You are taking this
way too far.
1316
00:58:07,535 --> 00:58:09,600
How so?
Oh, I don't know, man.
1317
00:58:09,700 --> 00:58:11,900
Maybe it's the pool,
or the half-pipe.
1318
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:14,500
That's not in the budget. I'm
re-investing in their education.
1319
00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:16,500
Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.
1320
00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:18,400
Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements,
1321
00:58:18,500 --> 00:58:20,500
noise permits,
there are insurance issues.
1322
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:23,300
Come on. Insurance?
What's gonna happen?
1323
00:58:31,300 --> 00:58:32,800
Oh, shit.
1324
00:58:36,300 --> 00:58:37,300
Wow.
1325
00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:39,100
Yeah!
1326
00:58:39,300 --> 00:58:40,700
Aw, shit.
1327
00:58:41,300 --> 00:58:44,200
We gotta do it again, dudes.
Left the lens cap on.
1328
00:58:44,300 --> 00:58:46,200
No, you didn't!
Damn!
1329
00:58:47,700 --> 00:58:50,100
You know what? You're absolutely
right. This has gone way too far.
1330
00:58:50,135 --> 00:58:53,100
And I think we need to do
something about it ASAP.
1331
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:55,000
Thank you.
Thank you.
1332
00:59:14,200 --> 00:59:15,600
Is this great
or is this great?
1333
00:59:15,700 --> 00:59:17,400
It's pretty cool, man,
but I gotta go.
1334
00:59:17,500 --> 00:59:20,600
The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s
biggest party of the year.
1335
00:59:20,700 --> 00:59:22,600
<i>And we're recreating the
scene from The Untouchables</i>
1336
00:59:22,700 --> 00:59:24,800
where Roy,
as Bobby De Niro,
1337
00:59:24,900 --> 00:59:26,800
crushes my skull
with a baseball bat.
1338
00:59:26,900 --> 00:59:28,600
Wow, what an
incredible honor.
1339
00:59:28,700 --> 00:59:30,800
Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?
1340
00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:33,600
I got it on eBay.
They sell my shit on eBay?
1341
00:59:33,700 --> 00:59:35,200
You wrote a book?
Yeah.
1342
00:59:35,300 --> 00:59:37,000
But that was back
when I was drinking.
1343
00:59:37,100 --> 00:59:40,500
Come on, Glen, you can't
keep stringing us along.
1344
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:42,900
Which one of us
is it going to be?
1345
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:59,100
<i>Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, shh!</i>
1346
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:02,100
<i>Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
it up for your fearless leader,</i>
1347
01:00:02,200 --> 01:00:04,200
<i>Bartleby Gaines.
Come on up here, buddy!</i>
1348
01:00:04,700 --> 01:00:05,900
Aw, man.
1349
01:00:06,000 --> 01:00:07,700
<i>Thanks. Thank you.
Get up here!</i>
1350
01:00:07,800 --> 01:00:09,600
<i>Come on up!
I know you know this one!</i>
1351
01:00:09,700 --> 01:00:12,400
Go. Go up there right now.
Go, man, go!
1352
01:00:15,100 --> 01:00:17,500
How you doin'?
Yeah! You the man.
1353
01:00:51,700 --> 01:00:53,600
I'm going
to have that.
1354
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:55,100
Shut up.
1355
01:00:55,200 --> 01:00:57,200
Look, where the hell
is everybody at?
1356
01:00:57,235 --> 01:00:58,600
You! Hey.
1357
01:00:58,700 --> 01:01:00,400
Hey.
How are you?
1358
01:01:00,435 --> 01:01:03,400
Aw, God, look,
where the hell is everybody?
1359
01:01:03,700 --> 01:01:05,600
This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.
1360
01:01:07,100 --> 01:01:08,200
Band, hey!
1361
01:01:08,300 --> 01:01:10,700
Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?
1362
01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:13,200
Hey.
Hoyt, hey.
1363
01:01:13,300 --> 01:01:15,900
There's, like, some big party
down the hill.
1364
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:18,900
Oh, that son of a...
1365
01:01:38,600 --> 01:01:41,300
Hey! B, oh, my gosh, that was fantastic.
1366
01:01:41,400 --> 01:01:42,700
Aw, my God, you saw that.
I'm embarrassed.
1367
01:01:42,800 --> 01:01:43,800
I don't know
what happened to me.
1368
01:01:43,900 --> 01:01:47,200
Someone possessed me, and... and it was
the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.
1369
01:01:47,300 --> 01:01:50,000
B, is there anything that
you're not incredibly amazing at?
1370
01:01:50,100 --> 01:01:51,100
Yeah, it's funny
you should ask.
1371
01:01:51,200 --> 01:01:52,900
There are very few things
I'm not very good at.
1372
01:01:53,000 --> 01:01:56,000
Off the top of my head I can think
of spelunking, uh, telekinesis,
1373
01:01:56,100 --> 01:01:57,700
<i>not crying at
the end of My Girl.</i>
1374
01:01:57,800 --> 01:02:00,000
It gets me.
And dairy products.
1375
01:02:00,035 --> 01:02:02,200
Which is good, because you
know I'm not really in the mood
1376
01:02:02,235 --> 01:02:04,000
for any
dairy products tonight.
1377
01:02:04,300 --> 01:02:06,800
Well, let's see if we can
get you something else then.
1378
01:02:06,900 --> 01:02:08,700
Let's see.
All right.
1379
01:02:10,300 --> 01:02:11,900
This is my... Oh!
Ooh!
1380
01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:14,200
I'm okay, I'm okay. I keep
forgetting this opens out.
1381
01:02:14,235 --> 01:02:15,800
It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.
1382
01:02:15,900 --> 01:02:17,000
Oh, no.
1383
01:02:17,300 --> 01:02:18,500
And this is
1384
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:21,000
<i>Mi casa.</i>
1385
01:02:21,700 --> 01:02:25,200
Bartleby, uh, oh, my God,
this is amazing!
1386
01:02:25,300 --> 01:02:26,600
Huh? It's fine.
1387
01:02:26,700 --> 01:02:29,000
I mean, I like it 'cause
it's simple, and functional.
1388
01:02:29,100 --> 01:02:31,800
Provides a good safe workspace
for me to focus on my studies.
1389
01:02:35,100 --> 01:02:39,700
B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.
1390
01:02:40,200 --> 01:02:42,800
There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.
1391
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:45,100
Maybe it's a little bit much.
1392
01:02:45,135 --> 01:02:47,200
I've wanted one
since I was a kid, though.
1393
01:02:47,235 --> 01:02:50,100
Wait, is everybody's room at
South Harmon this incredible?
1394
01:02:50,135 --> 01:02:51,400
Well, at South Harmon
you're free
1395
01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:52,800
to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?
1396
01:02:52,900 --> 01:02:54,200
Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...
1397
01:02:54,300 --> 01:02:56,100
And I was thinking
clap-on disco ball.
1398
01:02:56,300 --> 01:02:58,300
How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?
1399
01:02:58,400 --> 01:03:00,300
I would love a drink.
All right.
1400
01:03:02,100 --> 01:03:04,500
Ah, touchй.
Ahh.
1401
01:03:22,900 --> 01:03:24,400
This party's
off the hook!
1402
01:03:24,500 --> 01:03:25,600
Hey, hey, hey, shut up!
1403
01:03:25,700 --> 01:03:27,100
All right.
Where is that asshole?
1404
01:03:27,500 --> 01:03:30,400
Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.
1405
01:03:30,500 --> 01:03:32,300
Yeah, exactly,
that was my point.
1406
01:03:32,335 --> 01:03:34,400
Well, I will have you know... Oh, now,
1407
01:03:34,500 --> 01:03:37,000
now I can't go back to your
past, but you can go back to mine.
1408
01:03:37,100 --> 01:03:39,800
That Christina Aguilera look did
very well for me, thank you very much.
1409
01:03:39,900 --> 01:03:41,100
Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.
1410
01:03:41,200 --> 01:03:43,700
I remember you making out with Pete
Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.
1411
01:03:43,735 --> 01:03:44,800
You were at that party?
1412
01:03:44,900 --> 01:03:46,500
Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.
1413
01:03:46,535 --> 01:03:48,000
It made headline news
at school.
1414
01:03:48,100 --> 01:03:50,200
And... And... And that day
something happened in my life
1415
01:03:50,300 --> 01:03:52,200
that I never thought
would happen.
1416
01:03:52,235 --> 01:03:55,300
I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.
1417
01:03:55,500 --> 01:03:56,800
Never thought
it would happen.
1418
01:03:56,900 --> 01:03:59,500
But I was like, "He got to
make out with Monica Moreland. "
1419
01:03:59,600 --> 01:04:02,700
Well, if you wanted to kiss me so
bad in the basement, why didn't you?
1420
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:04,800
Well, 'cause the Gooch
beat me to it,
1421
01:04:04,835 --> 01:04:07,500
and I was a little shy,
and, uh...
1422
01:04:07,800 --> 01:04:11,000
Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?
1423
01:04:21,100 --> 01:04:23,100
You look like Carly Simon!
1424
01:04:23,500 --> 01:04:26,600
If I could bang one woman in
the world it'd be Carly Simon,
1425
01:04:26,635 --> 01:04:28,200
and you look like her!
1426
01:04:28,700 --> 01:04:30,500
Are you having fun?
1427
01:04:30,900 --> 01:04:32,600
I'm having so much fun.
1428
01:04:32,700 --> 01:04:34,400
Let's go find him.
Oh!
1429
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:41,400
Oh, shit, oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.
1430
01:04:45,300 --> 01:04:46,900
Sorry. One sec.
1431
01:04:50,700 --> 01:04:53,200
Oh, shit.
Uh, I got a situation.
1432
01:04:53,900 --> 01:04:55,600
Come, come with me.
Okay.
1433
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:05,600
Hey, have you
seen Schrader?
1434
01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:07,600
Excuse me.
1435
01:05:09,300 --> 01:05:10,500
Shit.
1436
01:05:11,200 --> 01:05:13,500
Monica?
What are you doing here?
1437
01:05:13,600 --> 01:05:16,900
Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.
1438
01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:19,500
You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?
1439
01:05:19,535 --> 01:05:21,700
Actually, Hoyt, um,
1440
01:05:22,700 --> 01:05:25,000
I'm telling you
it's none of your business.
1441
01:05:25,900 --> 01:05:27,400
It's none of my business? Yeah.
1442
01:05:27,500 --> 01:05:29,100
Oh, snap!
1443
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,300
Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce
you to an old friend of mine.
1444
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,300
The word "rejection. "
She can be a real bitch.
1445
01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:37,100
But you don't have
to give her roofies.
1446
01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:39,100
So you're not gonna like her. Ooh.
1447
01:05:39,200 --> 01:05:40,900
You want me to give you
something funny to laugh about?
1448
01:05:41,000 --> 01:05:43,400
You mean something funnier
than your future alcohol abuse?
1449
01:05:43,435 --> 01:05:44,900
Battle Royale!
1450
01:05:48,700 --> 01:05:50,700
Uh, shit.
Let's go, guys.
1451
01:05:51,400 --> 01:05:53,900
All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.
1452
01:05:54,300 --> 01:05:57,100
Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?
1453
01:05:57,135 --> 01:05:58,500
Have fun with these idiots!
1454
01:05:58,535 --> 01:05:59,700
Bye-bye.
Bye.
1455
01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:01,200
Thank you for comin'.
1456
01:06:01,300 --> 01:06:03,200
Guys, let's get
the music back up! Come on!
1457
01:06:29,600 --> 01:06:31,800
<i>Wet T-shirt party!</i>
1458
01:06:49,800 --> 01:06:50,600
Mom? Dad?
1459
01:06:56,100 --> 01:06:58,000
Gwynn.
Hi, there.
1460
01:06:58,900 --> 01:07:00,100
What are you doing here?
1461
01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:01,500
I'm your escort.
1462
01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,600
Induction night,
big guy.
1463
01:07:04,000 --> 01:07:07,500
B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1464
01:07:07,535 --> 01:07:10,800
B.K.E., B.K.E. brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1465
01:07:10,900 --> 01:07:12,700
Sherman Schrader, you rock!
1466
01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:14,700
Aw, no! You guys rock!
1467
01:07:14,735 --> 01:07:16,800
Get ready to be inducted into
the brotherhood, you winner!
1468
01:07:16,900 --> 01:07:20,100
Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have. Whoo!
1469
01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:22,600
I want lilac shirts!
I want visors
1470
01:07:22,700 --> 01:07:26,100
kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel coming out of it.
1471
01:07:26,135 --> 01:07:28,100
I want to have sex with girls
that look like this!
1472
01:07:28,200 --> 01:07:30,200
You rock!
I know I do!
1473
01:07:30,300 --> 01:07:32,500
You do, yeah, you do.
1474
01:07:33,500 --> 01:07:36,600
Do I get hair gel now, or do
I have to go and buy my own?
1475
01:07:36,700 --> 01:07:37,800
Did you crack him?
1476
01:07:37,900 --> 01:07:38,900
No.
1477
01:07:39,900 --> 01:07:41,300
We'll crack him.
1478
01:07:42,300 --> 01:07:45,600
Sherman, do you know how long
that this fraternity has survived?
1479
01:07:45,800 --> 01:07:47,000
Yes, sir.
1480
01:07:47,035 --> 01:07:49,500
153 majestic years, sir.
1481
01:07:49,600 --> 01:07:52,700
That is correct. Because it's
based on the most sacred principle
1482
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:54,900
that brothers can share.
1483
01:07:55,000 --> 01:07:56,200
Trust.
1484
01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:00,300
And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to question
1485
01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:01,700
whether or not
I can trust you.
1486
01:08:01,800 --> 01:08:04,400
'Cause we know you been hanging out
with those freaks down at the loony bin.
1487
01:08:04,500 --> 01:08:06,600
So with your allegiance
being called into question,
1488
01:08:06,700 --> 01:08:09,200
I just wanted
to ask you just one thing.
1489
01:08:10,200 --> 01:08:11,400
Paddle.
1490
01:08:11,500 --> 01:08:13,800
That's actually not a question. Shut up!
1491
01:08:14,700 --> 01:08:16,300
Are you with them
1492
01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:20,100
or are you with us?
1493
01:08:36,400 --> 01:08:37,600
Decent party.
1494
01:08:42,700 --> 01:08:44,600
Okay, I'll give you decent.
1495
01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:58,300
Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.
1496
01:08:58,400 --> 01:08:59,800
I don't know. I haven't
seen him in a couple of days.
1497
01:08:59,900 --> 01:09:01,100
I hope he's not sick.
1498
01:09:01,300 --> 01:09:03,500
Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!
1499
01:09:03,600 --> 01:09:05,200
Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"
get up in here.
1500
01:09:05,300 --> 01:09:06,500
No.
Oh, yes.
1501
01:09:06,535 --> 01:09:09,000
Yes, yes, yes. Come over here. Okay.
1502
01:09:10,700 --> 01:09:12,400
Gotta up
the gorgeous quotient.
1503
01:09:13,100 --> 01:09:15,800
Okay. Get ready and now.
1504
01:09:15,900 --> 01:09:17,900
Cheers!
1505
01:09:19,100 --> 01:09:20,400
Schrader.
1506
01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:24,100
Schrader, come on, open up.
1507
01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:26,400
What are you...
1508
01:09:27,300 --> 01:09:28,900
What the hell happened to you?
1509
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:34,700
Nothing. Just a little ritual
bonding over at the B.K.E. House.
1510
01:09:34,900 --> 01:09:36,500
What?
What are you talking about?
1511
01:09:36,600 --> 01:09:39,300
They kicked my ass, until I
told them all about South Harmon.
1512
01:09:40,000 --> 01:09:41,300
Oh, shit.
1513
01:09:41,700 --> 01:09:44,300
They took my laptop,
the mailing list, everything.
1514
01:09:45,800 --> 01:09:47,600
Shit. Man, I'm sorry.
1515
01:09:47,635 --> 01:09:50,700
All I ever wanted was a
run-of-the-mill college experience.
1516
01:09:50,735 --> 01:09:52,600
But not me, right?
I can't have that.
1517
01:09:52,700 --> 01:09:53,700
Not me!
1518
01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:55,500
'Cause I'm too busy getting
the shit kicked out of me
1519
01:09:55,600 --> 01:09:56,900
and being an accomplice
to fraud!
1520
01:09:57,000 --> 01:09:58,600
Does the run-of-the-mill
college experience
1521
01:09:58,635 --> 01:10:00,100
include stripping you
of your dignity?
1522
01:10:00,200 --> 01:10:03,300
Totally humiliating you, making you
wear a... a... a frigging hot dog suit?
1523
01:10:03,400 --> 01:10:04,900
It's a tradition.
A tradition?
1524
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:06,600
Yes. I got a tradition for you.
1525
01:10:06,700 --> 01:10:09,900
Schrader, you've been my best
friend since we were 5 years old.
1526
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:11,800
That's the only tradition
I know.
1527
01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:24,000
I just messed up.
I really messed up.
1528
01:10:24,035 --> 01:10:25,800
How? What happened?
1529
01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:27,200
With Schrader.
1530
01:10:27,300 --> 01:10:29,000
I know Bartleby
is by the pool.
1531
01:10:29,100 --> 01:10:30,200
Oh, my God.
1532
01:10:30,400 --> 01:10:31,500
What is it? Cops?
1533
01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:33,500
Worse. Parents.
1534
01:10:35,300 --> 01:10:37,800
Mom! Dad! Great!
1535
01:10:38,000 --> 01:10:39,500
Hey, guys.
1536
01:10:39,600 --> 01:10:41,400
Bartleby! Hiya, kid!
1537
01:10:41,700 --> 01:10:43,700
Hey, oh, it's so good
to see you!
1538
01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:46,300
Oh, it's great to see
you. Ow. You look thin.
1539
01:10:46,335 --> 01:10:48,700
There's five good ones right
there for my college boy, huh?
1540
01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:50,100
Hey, hey, Dad.
1541
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,900
Wha... What... What... What
are you doing here?
1542
01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:54,000
Well, Parents' Day.
1543
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:56,500
What a wonderful idea on the
part of the college, you know?
1544
01:10:56,535 --> 01:10:58,200
Yeah.
Oh, right.
1545
01:10:58,300 --> 01:11:00,400
Parents' Day.
Of course.
1546
01:11:00,500 --> 01:11:03,200
Hello, everyone.
Now, welcome to Parents' Day.
1547
01:11:03,300 --> 01:11:05,500
And, uh, we're very glad
you could be here.
1548
01:11:05,600 --> 01:11:08,500
Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour planned
1549
01:11:08,535 --> 01:11:10,300
a- around the grounds
and the campus,
1550
01:11:10,335 --> 01:11:12,000
Show you what we've
been working on all year.
1551
01:11:12,100 --> 01:11:13,700
So, welcome one and
all. Excuse me, everyone.
1552
01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:14,900
May I have
your attention, please?
1553
01:11:15,000 --> 01:11:16,200
Oh, shit.
1554
01:11:16,300 --> 01:11:17,600
I knew I smelled bacon.
1555
01:11:17,900 --> 01:11:19,700
My name is Richard Van Horne.
1556
01:11:19,800 --> 01:11:20,800
Oh, Van Horne, yes.
1557
01:11:20,900 --> 01:11:23,400
The... The dean of Harmon
College, our big sister school.
1558
01:11:23,500 --> 01:11:25,400
Give him a round of applause.
He's earned it.
1559
01:11:25,500 --> 01:11:27,500
Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.
1560
01:11:27,600 --> 01:11:29,100
They are our
big sister school,
1561
01:11:29,135 --> 01:11:31,400
and we are honored
by their presence.
1562
01:11:31,435 --> 01:11:35,100
Thank you for that nice introduction,
young man, but the joke is over.
1563
01:11:35,600 --> 01:11:36,900
Ladies and gentlemen,
1564
01:11:36,935 --> 01:11:39,200
South Harmon
Institute of Technology
1565
01:11:39,300 --> 01:11:41,800
is not the sister school
of Harmon
1566
01:11:42,000 --> 01:11:43,600
or of anything else,
for that matter.
1567
01:11:43,700 --> 01:11:45,400
More like cousins.
Thank you for coming.
1568
01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:47,900
It is not accredited.
Any...
1569
01:11:48,100 --> 01:11:51,000
Nor is it truly
an educational institution.
1570
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:54,900
Is this true, Bartleby?
1571
01:11:56,100 --> 01:11:58,600
It is a sham, a fraud,
1572
01:11:58,900 --> 01:12:01,600
that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere,
1573
01:12:01,700 --> 01:12:03,300
and I invite you
to confirm that
1574
01:12:03,400 --> 01:12:05,700
with the State Board
of Accreditation.
1575
01:12:05,800 --> 01:12:08,000
To all those students
who have been duped,
1576
01:12:08,100 --> 01:12:10,400
good luck applying
to schools next year.
1577
01:12:10,500 --> 01:12:14,700
And to Mr. Gaines I say you will
be hearing from our attorneys.
1578
01:12:18,000 --> 01:12:21,300
Wow, Parents' Day. Man, I wish
I would have thought of that.
1579
01:12:22,600 --> 01:12:24,200
Oh, that's right, I did.
1580
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:25,800
Oh, and by the way,
1581
01:12:25,900 --> 01:12:27,500
if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours,
1582
01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:29,200
will you tell him that his
lease automatically breaks
1583
01:12:29,300 --> 01:12:31,200
when he's found
guilty of fraud?
1584
01:12:31,300 --> 01:12:32,600
Cool. Thanks, D.
1585
01:12:32,700 --> 01:12:34,200
Er, was it G?
1586
01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,500
That's right, it's F.
See you, F.
1587
01:12:39,300 --> 01:12:41,100
Guys, I can explain.
Mmm-mmm.
1588
01:12:41,135 --> 01:12:44,600
You have done some stupid
things in your life, Bartleby,
1589
01:12:45,000 --> 01:12:46,400
but this...
1590
01:12:46,900 --> 01:12:49,800
You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.
1591
01:12:50,100 --> 01:12:51,700
This is unconscionable.
1592
01:12:54,500 --> 01:12:55,400
Ridiculous.
1593
01:12:57,900 --> 01:12:58,900
Hey.
1594
01:13:01,400 --> 01:13:02,600
So,
1595
01:13:04,300 --> 01:13:05,900
none of this was real?
1596
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,300
That's not true.
1597
01:13:08,900 --> 01:13:11,200
Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.
1598
01:13:11,600 --> 01:13:12,800
Monica.
1599
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:18,000
Sorry, man.
1600
01:13:18,035 --> 01:13:19,800
It's cool. We tried.
1601
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,200
Have you completely
lost your mind?
1602
01:15:15,300 --> 01:15:18,000
Guys, the state defines
a college as a body of people
1603
01:15:18,100 --> 01:15:20,500
with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.
1604
01:15:20,535 --> 01:15:21,700
Well that's us, isn't it?
1605
01:15:21,735 --> 01:15:24,100
I mean, you know, with the word
"higher" kind of loosely defined.
1606
01:15:24,200 --> 01:15:26,900
Uh, yeah.
He's completely lost his mind.
1607
01:15:27,000 --> 01:15:28,700
No, no. Listen,
all we have to do
1608
01:15:28,800 --> 01:15:30,400
is go before
the state accrediting board,
1609
01:15:30,500 --> 01:15:32,700
with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.
1610
01:15:32,735 --> 01:15:35,200
B, look, let's just cut
our losses, okay?
1611
01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:37,400
What are we
talking about here, huh?
1612
01:15:37,500 --> 01:15:38,800
We're talking about
a stupid piece of paper.
1613
01:15:38,900 --> 01:15:40,100
I mean,
if a stupid piece of paper
1614
01:15:40,200 --> 01:15:42,100
is what's gonna
make us acceptable,
1615
01:15:42,200 --> 01:15:44,000
then let's go for it.
Why not?
1616
01:15:44,100 --> 01:15:46,500
'Cause you gotta remember, it's
not just about us anymore, okay?
1617
01:15:46,600 --> 01:15:48,700
It's about everyone
who went to South Harmon.
1618
01:15:50,300 --> 01:15:52,000
Ah, great speech.
1619
01:15:52,300 --> 01:15:54,400
I was inspired,
I felt inspired by it.
1620
01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:56,500
Thanks a lot,
I'm... I'm taking it on tour.
1621
01:15:56,600 --> 01:15:57,700
What are you doing here?
1622
01:15:57,735 --> 01:16:00,400
Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.
1623
01:16:00,500 --> 01:16:03,800
Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.
1624
01:16:05,100 --> 01:16:06,300
Wait a minute.
1625
01:16:06,400 --> 01:16:07,700
Come on!
1626
01:16:07,800 --> 01:16:10,000
You're the one that applied
for accreditation, aren't you?
1627
01:16:10,100 --> 01:16:12,300
Well, someone had
to do it, you know?
1628
01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:14,400
We all can't live
with our heads up our asses.
1629
01:16:14,500 --> 01:16:16,700
I disagree.
I... I don't get it, man.
1630
01:16:16,800 --> 01:16:18,300
You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.
1631
01:16:18,400 --> 01:16:20,300
I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.
1632
01:16:20,335 --> 01:16:23,500
I wanted to be the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.
1633
01:16:23,600 --> 01:16:24,700
But then I realized,
1634
01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:27,300
I would much rather be the
first generation of Schrader
1635
01:16:27,400 --> 01:16:30,000
to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1636
01:16:30,035 --> 01:16:31,400
I said it, okay?
I said it.
1637
01:16:31,500 --> 01:16:33,100
So you're saying,
1638
01:16:33,135 --> 01:16:34,900
you're saying you want
to be a S.H.I.T. head?
1639
01:16:35,300 --> 01:16:37,700
I'm sayin' I want to be
a S.H.I.T. head.
1640
01:16:37,735 --> 01:16:38,800
I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
1641
01:16:38,835 --> 01:16:40,900
Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
1642
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:43,100
Yes.
Yeah!
1643
01:16:43,135 --> 01:16:44,200
Yay!
1644
01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:45,500
All right,
so we're doing it.
1645
01:16:45,600 --> 01:16:48,200
Thanks to this S.H.I.T. head,
we got a hearing set for Friday.
1646
01:16:55,200 --> 01:16:56,300
Don't sweat it, kid.
I'm all over it.
1647
01:16:56,400 --> 01:16:58,100
All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious, all right?
1648
01:16:58,200 --> 01:16:59,400
If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.
1649
01:16:59,435 --> 01:17:01,600
Oh, don't worry, you're
young. Your butt can take it.
1650
01:17:01,700 --> 01:17:03,800
Hello, sir. Um,
we're from South Harmon.
1651
01:17:03,900 --> 01:17:06,000
We have a 3:00
in Hearing Room A.
1652
01:17:06,035 --> 01:17:09,300
Okay, actually your meeting room's
been changed to the Grand Hall.
1653
01:17:09,400 --> 01:17:11,600
Why the change?
It's bigger.
1654
01:17:17,900 --> 01:17:19,700
How did they...
Rory called them.
1655
01:17:19,800 --> 01:17:20,900
The whole school?
1656
01:17:21,000 --> 01:17:22,400
I had to do something.
1657
01:17:24,600 --> 01:17:27,300
This meeting of the State Board
of Education will come to order.
1658
01:17:27,400 --> 01:17:30,400
Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditation
1659
01:17:30,500 --> 01:17:33,200
for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1660
01:17:33,300 --> 01:17:36,100
Your case for accreditation
is being contested
1661
01:17:36,200 --> 01:17:37,900
by Dean Richard Van Horne,
1662
01:17:38,000 --> 01:17:39,500
representing Harmon College.
1663
01:17:44,300 --> 01:17:45,700
Loser. Loser.
1664
01:17:45,800 --> 01:17:48,700
In order to become accredited,
1665
01:17:49,100 --> 01:17:51,700
a school must meet
three requirements.
1666
01:17:51,735 --> 01:17:55,200
You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.
1667
01:17:56,100 --> 01:17:57,500
Please state your case.
1668
01:17:57,800 --> 01:17:59,400
You're on, kid.
1669
01:18:00,000 --> 01:18:02,400
What? Wha... I thought you were
gonna handle this. What are you doing?
1670
01:18:02,500 --> 01:18:04,700
Rule number one,
lead with your star witness.
1671
01:18:04,735 --> 01:18:07,800
Nobody knows South Harmon and
these kids better than you.
1672
01:18:07,900 --> 01:18:09,600
So, it's showtime.
1673
01:18:09,700 --> 01:18:11,200
Let's kick some ass.
1674
01:18:11,600 --> 01:18:14,100
You're gonna be great, man.
Just go do your thing.
1675
01:18:14,500 --> 01:18:16,100
Sling some bull.
1676
01:18:16,900 --> 01:18:18,200
Oh, God.
1677
01:18:18,700 --> 01:18:19,900
Okay.
1678
01:18:20,800 --> 01:18:22,000
Uh,
1679
01:18:23,000 --> 01:18:25,500
ladies and gentlemen of the panel,
thank you for meeting with us.
1680
01:18:25,600 --> 01:18:28,900
Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder of
1681
01:18:29,000 --> 01:18:30,700
South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1682
01:18:42,100 --> 01:18:44,100
Sorry. Friends of mine.
1683
01:18:44,900 --> 01:18:46,700
Um, I'm... I'm sorry,
first of all,
1684
01:18:46,800 --> 01:18:48,300
w- what were those
three things that you listed?
1685
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:51,100
A facility, a curriculum
and a faculty.
1686
01:18:51,200 --> 01:18:52,300
Facility, right.
1687
01:18:52,400 --> 01:18:54,200
Okay, well,
we definitely have a facility.
1688
01:18:54,300 --> 01:18:57,400
Uh, we have a common room,
we have dorm rooms.
1689
01:18:57,700 --> 01:18:59,500
Uh, we have
a skateboard ramp.
1690
01:18:59,600 --> 01:19:01,000
We got a tiki bar. Umm...
1691
01:19:01,100 --> 01:19:03,800
They have leased
an old mental hospital.
1692
01:19:03,900 --> 01:19:06,100
They have none of the
traditional support facilities
1693
01:19:06,200 --> 01:19:07,200
or resources.
1694
01:19:07,300 --> 01:19:10,700
Mr. Gaines, do you have a
formal athletic facility?
1695
01:19:10,800 --> 01:19:13,100
Okay, uh,
by formal you mean...
1696
01:19:15,800 --> 01:19:17,300
No. No, we don't.
1697
01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:18,700
A library?
1698
01:19:20,600 --> 01:19:21,700
No.
1699
01:19:21,800 --> 01:19:24,000
A health services center?
No.
1700
01:19:25,000 --> 01:19:26,000
No.
1701
01:19:28,500 --> 01:19:29,900
Your curriculum?
1702
01:19:29,935 --> 01:19:31,200
Our curriculum?
Yes.
1703
01:19:31,235 --> 01:19:35,200
Do you have a course book? A comprehensive
list of your available classes?
1704
01:19:35,235 --> 01:19:38,200
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...
1705
01:19:50,300 --> 01:19:51,700
What is this?
1706
01:19:51,735 --> 01:19:54,600
Our curriculum. These are the
courses we offer at South Harmon.
1707
01:19:55,600 --> 01:19:58,700
This is a joke.
"Slacking 101"?
1708
01:19:58,735 --> 01:20:01,000
Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines,
1709
01:20:01,100 --> 01:20:03,300
how does one major
in bumper stickers?
1710
01:20:03,900 --> 01:20:05,000
Sir, um...
1711
01:20:05,035 --> 01:20:06,100
I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.
1712
01:20:06,200 --> 01:20:08,400
I fail to see any merit
1713
01:20:08,500 --> 01:20:12,000
or scholastic value in
anything listed on that board.
1714
01:20:12,500 --> 01:20:14,900
Okay, uh, guys,
you want to help me out here?
1715
01:20:14,935 --> 01:20:17,000
In "Taking A Walk
and Thinking About Stuff,"
1716
01:20:17,035 --> 01:20:19,100
we get to think about what
we want to do with our lives
1717
01:20:19,135 --> 01:20:20,800
in a stress-free environment.
1718
01:20:21,300 --> 01:20:24,800
"Let It Speak To You 202" is an art
class in which we discover our talents
1719
01:20:24,835 --> 01:20:27,100
by examining our
personal life experiences.
1720
01:20:27,200 --> 01:20:30,500
In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp
that teaches us about engineering...
1721
01:20:30,535 --> 01:20:32,200
And physics.
And aerodynamics.
1722
01:20:32,300 --> 01:20:34,200
In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"
1723
01:20:34,235 --> 01:20:37,600
we listen to the music and
lyrical angst of a lost generation.
1724
01:20:37,900 --> 01:20:39,300
And we rock our faces off.
1725
01:20:44,400 --> 01:20:45,600
They do.
1726
01:20:48,000 --> 01:20:50,300
Do you have
faculty present?
1727
01:20:50,800 --> 01:20:51,900
Yes, we do, sir.
1728
01:20:52,900 --> 01:20:54,400
Faculty, stand.
1729
01:20:58,300 --> 01:20:59,700
What is the meaning
of this?
1730
01:20:59,800 --> 01:21:01,900
See, at South Harmon, sir,
the students are the teachers.
1731
01:21:02,000 --> 01:21:03,800
Aw, this is preposterous.
1732
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:06,900
Students are not
and cannot be teachers.
1733
01:21:07,100 --> 01:21:08,400
Dean Van Horne
is right.
1734
01:21:08,435 --> 01:21:12,600
You must have a faculty as defined by
the state, or you cannot be accredited.
1735
01:21:16,900 --> 01:21:20,900
Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?
1736
01:21:24,900 --> 01:21:26,000
Um...
1737
01:21:29,200 --> 01:21:30,500
Present and accounted for.
1738
01:21:30,600 --> 01:21:31,700
Oh, for God's sake.
1739
01:21:31,735 --> 01:21:35,500
Dr. Alexander, this man has not been
a part of academia for three decades.
1740
01:21:35,600 --> 01:21:38,000
We were on the faculty together
at Harmon in our late 20s,
1741
01:21:38,100 --> 01:21:39,300
and he washed out.
1742
01:21:39,400 --> 01:21:42,400
He's a drunk, he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.
1743
01:21:42,500 --> 01:21:45,000
Hey, asshole! You're talking
about my mom's brother!
1744
01:21:45,100 --> 01:21:47,100
Oh, sit down!
Okay.
1745
01:21:47,200 --> 01:21:51,000
Hey! Why don't you take your
PhD and shove it up your A-S-S?
1746
01:21:56,900 --> 01:21:59,600
Settle down
right this minute!
1747
01:21:59,635 --> 01:22:02,500
Dean Lewis! Sit down.
1748
01:22:03,500 --> 01:22:04,700
Order!
1749
01:22:06,300 --> 01:22:07,400
Couldn't help myself.
1750
01:22:07,435 --> 01:22:09,500
So, is that it,
Mr. Gaines?
1751
01:22:09,535 --> 01:22:13,700
You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?
1752
01:22:16,200 --> 01:22:17,600
Mr. Gaines.
1753
01:22:18,800 --> 01:22:20,300
Answer the question.
1754
01:22:20,400 --> 01:22:22,000
Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question,
1755
01:22:22,100 --> 01:22:23,800
'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.
1756
01:22:23,900 --> 01:22:24,900
I'm an expert in rejection,
1757
01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:26,700
and I can see it
on your faces.
1758
01:22:26,800 --> 01:22:29,100
And it's too bad that you
judge us by the way we look
1759
01:22:29,200 --> 01:22:31,000
and not by who we are.
1760
01:22:31,035 --> 01:22:32,900
Just because you want us
to be more like them
1761
01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:34,500
when the truth is
we're not like them.
1762
01:22:34,600 --> 01:22:36,800
And I am damn proud
of that fact.
1763
01:22:39,100 --> 01:22:40,500
Rock on!
1764
01:22:42,000 --> 01:22:43,200
I mean,
1765
01:22:44,100 --> 01:22:47,600
Harmon College and their... and
their 100 years of tradition.
1766
01:22:47,700 --> 01:22:49,200
But tradition of what?
1767
01:22:49,300 --> 01:22:50,800
Of hazing kids
1768
01:22:51,500 --> 01:22:54,100
and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?
1769
01:22:54,200 --> 01:22:55,300
Of putting
so much pressure on kids
1770
01:22:55,400 --> 01:22:57,600
they turn into these... these
stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
1771
01:22:57,700 --> 01:23:00,900
Your phony school demeans
real colleges everywhere!
1772
01:23:01,000 --> 01:23:03,800
Why? Why can't
we both exist? Huh?
1773
01:23:03,900 --> 01:23:05,600
You can have your grades,
and your rules
1774
01:23:05,635 --> 01:23:07,500
and your structure,
and your ivory towers,
1775
01:23:07,535 --> 01:23:08,700
and then we'll do things
our way.
1776
01:23:08,735 --> 01:23:10,700
Why do we have to conform
to what you want?
1777
01:23:10,800 --> 01:23:14,000
Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.
1778
01:23:14,100 --> 01:23:15,400
You know what?
You're a criminal.
1779
01:23:15,435 --> 01:23:17,800
'Cause you rob these kids of
their creativity and their passion.
1780
01:23:17,835 --> 01:23:19,700
That's the real crime!
1781
01:23:19,800 --> 01:23:21,400
Yeah.
Maybe he's right.
1782
01:23:24,200 --> 01:23:25,300
Well, what about you parents?
1783
01:23:25,400 --> 01:23:27,600
Did... Did the system
really work out for you?
1784
01:23:27,700 --> 01:23:29,200
Did it teach you
to follow your heart,
1785
01:23:29,300 --> 01:23:31,600
or to just play it safe,
roll over?
1786
01:23:31,700 --> 01:23:33,100
What about you guys?
1787
01:23:33,200 --> 01:23:35,100
Did you always want to be
school administrators?
1788
01:23:35,135 --> 01:23:36,600
Dr. Alexander,
was that your dream?
1789
01:23:36,635 --> 01:23:39,000
Or maybe no,
maybe you wanted to be a poet.
1790
01:23:39,600 --> 01:23:41,600
Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.
1791
01:23:41,700 --> 01:23:43,800
Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.
1792
01:23:43,900 --> 01:23:46,100
Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.
1793
01:23:46,300 --> 01:23:47,700
I lied to all of you,
and I'm sorry.
1794
01:23:47,800 --> 01:23:49,300
Dad, especially to you.
1795
01:23:49,335 --> 01:23:52,800
But out of that desperation,
something happened that was so amazing.
1796
01:23:52,900 --> 01:23:54,200
Life was full
of possibilities.
1797
01:23:54,235 --> 01:23:56,400
A- A-And isn't that what you
ultimately want for us?
1798
01:23:56,500 --> 01:23:59,700
As parents, I mean, is...
is that, is possibilities.
1799
01:24:02,300 --> 01:24:04,100
Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval,
1800
01:24:04,200 --> 01:24:06,300
and something
just occurred to me.
1801
01:24:06,400 --> 01:24:08,200
I don't give a shit!
1802
01:24:08,600 --> 01:24:10,000
Who cares about your approval?
1803
01:24:10,100 --> 01:24:12,900
We don't need your approval to
tell us that what we did was real.
1804
01:24:12,935 --> 01:24:14,600
'Cause there are so few truths
in this world,
1805
01:24:14,700 --> 01:24:16,300
that when you see one,
you know it.
1806
01:24:16,400 --> 01:24:18,100
And I know that it is a truth
1807
01:24:18,135 --> 01:24:20,000
that real learning
took place at South Harmon.
1808
01:24:20,035 --> 01:24:21,800
Whether you like it or not,
it did.
1809
01:24:21,835 --> 01:24:24,100
'Cause you don't need teachers
or classrooms
1810
01:24:24,200 --> 01:24:26,700
or... or fancy highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.
1811
01:24:26,735 --> 01:24:28,900
You just need people with a
desire to better themselves,
1812
01:24:28,935 --> 01:24:31,800
and we got that by the
shitload at South Harmon.
1813
01:24:31,835 --> 01:24:34,200
So you can go ahead,
sign your forms,
1814
01:24:34,300 --> 01:24:37,000
reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.
1815
01:24:37,100 --> 01:24:38,800
It doesn't really matter
at this point.
1816
01:24:38,900 --> 01:24:40,200
Because we'll never
stop learning,
1817
01:24:40,235 --> 01:24:41,500
and we'll never stop growing,
1818
01:24:41,600 --> 01:24:43,800
and we'll never forget the
ideals that were instilled in us
1819
01:24:43,900 --> 01:24:45,100
at our place.
1820
01:24:45,200 --> 01:24:46,700
'Cause we are
S.H.I.T. heads now,
1821
01:24:46,735 --> 01:24:48,300
and we'll be
S.H.I.T. heads forever
1822
01:24:48,335 --> 01:24:50,400
and nothing you can say
or do or stamp
1823
01:24:50,500 --> 01:24:52,400
can take that away from us!
So go!
1824
01:24:58,700 --> 01:25:00,000
Go ahead!
1825
01:25:05,000 --> 01:25:06,200
Everyone,
1826
01:25:06,300 --> 01:25:08,100
please, quiet down.
1827
01:25:08,500 --> 01:25:10,300
Everyone, please
quiet down.
1828
01:25:10,600 --> 01:25:12,200
Quiet down. Please.
1829
01:25:14,200 --> 01:25:15,600
Thank you.
1830
01:25:29,900 --> 01:25:31,300
Mr. Gaines,
1831
01:25:32,100 --> 01:25:35,200
your presentation
was unorthodox,
1832
01:25:35,400 --> 01:25:36,700
to say the least,
1833
01:25:36,800 --> 01:25:38,400
and your methodology is
1834
01:25:38,500 --> 01:25:40,300
questionable at best.
1835
01:25:40,400 --> 01:25:41,400
However,
1836
01:25:41,500 --> 01:25:45,500
the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativity
1837
01:25:45,600 --> 01:25:48,000
and the passions
of the student body.
1838
01:25:48,035 --> 01:25:50,900
And in that regard
you have certainly succeeded.
1839
01:25:52,200 --> 01:25:55,700
This board does not
reject innovation,
1840
01:25:55,735 --> 01:25:57,900
but it must be
watched carefully.
1841
01:25:57,935 --> 01:25:59,300
Therefore,
1842
01:25:59,900 --> 01:26:02,100
the South Harmon
Institute of Technology
1843
01:26:02,135 --> 01:26:05,300
will be granted a one-year
probationary period
1844
01:26:05,400 --> 01:26:08,800
in which to continue
its experimental programs.
1845
01:26:10,100 --> 01:26:13,300
Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.
1846
01:26:14,100 --> 01:26:15,300
Congratulations.
1847
01:26:30,500 --> 01:26:31,900
Mr. Gaines?
1848
01:26:32,800 --> 01:26:34,000
Trombone.
1849
01:26:34,035 --> 01:26:35,100
What?
1850
01:26:35,200 --> 01:26:37,300
I wanted to play
jazz trombone.
1851
01:26:38,600 --> 01:26:40,600
It's never too late, sir.
1852
01:26:40,700 --> 01:26:42,000
Thank you.
1853
01:26:51,400 --> 01:26:52,500
Hey.
Hey.
1854
01:26:52,600 --> 01:26:54,100
What are you doing here?
1855
01:26:54,200 --> 01:26:56,700
I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my life
1856
01:26:56,735 --> 01:26:59,500
that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.
1857
01:26:59,535 --> 01:27:02,200
So, why can't the opposite
be true?
1858
01:27:16,200 --> 01:27:20,600
This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.
1859
01:27:20,700 --> 01:27:23,300
You have been orientated
for years.
1860
01:27:23,400 --> 01:27:25,500
Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"
1861
01:27:25,600 --> 01:27:28,200
I'm not interested!
You figure it out.
1862
01:27:28,700 --> 01:27:30,300
I only wanted big
things for you, Bartleby.
1863
01:27:30,400 --> 01:27:31,800
I'd say this is pretty big.
1864
01:27:31,900 --> 01:27:33,500
Thanks, Dad.
Ah!
1865
01:27:34,300 --> 01:27:35,400
Thanks, Pop.
1866
01:27:35,500 --> 01:27:37,400
Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.
1867
01:27:37,500 --> 01:27:39,900
Okay, I will. I love you.
Lizzie, up top.
1868
01:27:41,700 --> 01:27:43,200
Wasn't enthusiastic,
but I'll take it.
1869
01:27:43,300 --> 01:27:44,900
And I appreciate the smile.
1870
01:27:45,000 --> 01:27:47,300
Schrads! Hey, no time
for chit-chat, my friend.
1871
01:27:47,400 --> 01:27:50,100
I'm teaching "Skepticism 401."
Sha-mon!
1872
01:27:50,200 --> 01:27:52,300
At South Harmon,
we like to begin each semester
1873
01:27:52,400 --> 01:27:55,700
by clearing our minds
and doing some deep breathing.
1874
01:27:56,700 --> 01:28:00,400
I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!
1875
01:28:00,600 --> 01:28:03,100
Eddie, we gotta pack these
paninis for Rory's nature walk.
1876
01:28:03,135 --> 01:28:04,300
Pronto!
1877
01:28:04,700 --> 01:28:07,200
And someone get a rabbi down
here to bless this chicken.
1878
01:28:07,300 --> 01:28:09,400
Tomorrow we're gonna
go kosher.
1879
01:28:10,000 --> 01:28:12,100
South Harmon actually
allowed me the opportunity
1880
01:28:12,135 --> 01:28:13,700
to rediscover my passion
for the arts.
1881
01:28:13,800 --> 01:28:16,100
So I urge you guys to do the
same. Let it come from the heart.
1882
01:28:16,200 --> 01:28:19,000
Let it come from inside. And...
And let the art speak for itself.
1883
01:28:19,035 --> 01:28:20,600
You agree?
Watch... Watch the tip.
1884
01:28:20,700 --> 01:28:22,000
Excuse me.
1885
01:28:22,100 --> 01:28:23,300
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1886
01:28:23,335 --> 01:28:26,000
If you're gonna take my picture,
you gotta take it from my good side.
1887
01:28:26,100 --> 01:28:27,900
Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody around
1888
01:28:28,000 --> 01:28:30,300
that could show me to my
new dorm room, would there?
1889
01:28:30,400 --> 01:28:33,300
As fate would have it, I recall
your room being right next to mine.
1890
01:28:33,500 --> 01:28:35,000
Really? They're not adjoining
though, right?
1891
01:28:35,100 --> 01:28:37,100
Oh, no, no, no. That would
be totally unacceptable.
1892
01:28:38,100 --> 01:28:40,500
And do me a favor.
Enjoy your time here.
1893
01:28:40,535 --> 01:28:43,200
You got four years, these are
the best years of your life.
1894
01:28:43,300 --> 01:28:45,100
And then, you're.
1895
01:29:05,600 --> 01:29:07,000
I told you.
|