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Kevin Smith directed and acted
in his New Jersey Chronicles:
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Clerks, Mallrats,
Chasing Amy, Dogma...
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...and the final chapter,
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
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Smith presents his own lens through
which we may view the world.
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And although it's not
always rose-colored...
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...we learn a new way
to examine spirituality...
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...sexuality and human relationships.
Give it up for Kevin Smith!
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Are there signs that say "applause"?
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'Cause I don't think I've ever
gotten a reaction like that.
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Reaction like that makes up for every
chick ever said I had a small dick.
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We'll just sit here until you're quiet
and then make up the time afterwards.
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Are we starting on this side?
Is that why the camera's in his face?
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- First one of the night, dude.
- First question: What's a Nubian?
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No, I'm just...
I'm kidding.
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I'm sure that's a first.
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Not for nothing, but I will
do the fucking jokes here.
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Well, there went all my questions.
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Actually I got a lot.
But big question right now...
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I haven't heard the answer before.
You've probably stated it.
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You're Silent Bob in the movies.
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You wrote and directed. Why give
yourself the Marcel Marceau part?
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I'm sorry. I stopped listening.
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Why give myself
the Marcel Marceau part?
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I would think it's obvious.
I can't really act.
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Which is why I wrote a movie
in which I was the lead.
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Because this is America,
damn it, you know.
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It happened by accident.
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I'd written the role
of Randal to play myself...
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...back when I wrote Clerks...
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...which is why he has the best jokes.
As we got closer to production...
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...I was like, "Who am I kidding?
I can't act. I can't memorize dialogue.
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Who can memorize this in particular?"
There's a lot of dirty words in it.
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So I gave the part to Jeff Anderson,
a dude I'd went to high school with...
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...who'd never shown any interest
in acting and was perfect for it.
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And I said, "If this is the only flick
I'm gonna make, I wanna be in it...
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...because I want to be able to look back
years from now when I'm still paying...
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...$28,000 in credit card debt,
get really drunk with my friends...
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...and be like, 'Remember
the worst mistake of my life?
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The one I'm still paying for?
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Here it is. I'm in it.
Wait, here it comes.
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Look at that jackass."'
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I at least wanted to be in it.
So I was like, "What's left?"
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I said, "Silent Bob." I'd written the
part for a friend, Michael Bellicose...
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...and he wound up as the guy who
comes to the counter, and Dante's like:
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"My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks."
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And he says, "In a row?"
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That's the guy.
You guys are easy.
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I'm just, like, gonna
read from my scripts.
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Then on page 19 in Chasing Amy,
Banky said this.
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He was supposed to be Silent Bob.
I'd written it for him.
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I thought he'd look good next to Mewes.
Mewes is thin and always moving...
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...and Mike's the opposite.
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Then I said, "Wait a second.
I'm way bigger than Mike.
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I'm way less mobile and way stockier."
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I said, "I don't have
to memorize dialogue...
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...and I'll look good standing
next to Mewes."
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Plus Mewes was not real reliable
when it came to acting.
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So I could stand there and pinch him.
If you look at Clerks...
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...and the other movies,
we stand closely in Clerks...
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...and sometimes
you see me going like:
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He's like:
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"Snoogins." You know.
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Because really, it is kind of like
two steps away from:
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So I did it because I wanted to
be in it and not do dialogue...
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...having no idea that I'd be
so bereft of original ideas...
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...that I'd keep those characters
coming back.
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I wrote Jay for Jason Mewes
because I wanted to see him act...
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...and I thought he was funny and wanted
to see if others would find him funny.
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Then I jumped in, and I said...
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..."This is it. It's one time I'll be in
the flick. We may not make another."
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Then we kept going, and I kept bringing
back the characters because...
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...l'm not very creative and
because Jason Mewes is very funny.
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So I kept coming back with him.
You don't want to split them up.
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So I just kind of, you know,
stepped into it quite by accident.
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Well, thanks. And on behalf
of all big men everywhere...
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...doing a good job!
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Don't lump me in with you.
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I can say I'm fat.
When you say it, it's insulting.
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I've been watching his movies for
a long time. I love all of them.
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I saw Mallrats first.
I fell in love with him after that.
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The first thing I saw was
Mallrats, and it was funny.
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I connected to it
for some reason.
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I love his dialogues in his movies,
like the random rampage people go on.
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Especially in Clerks.
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Me and my buddy Jay here have spent
a lot of time mentoring ourselves...
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...in the ways of Jay and Silent Bob.
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It's... Ever since, you know...
Clerks is really where we started off.
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Awesome.
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It's a whole new breed and a whole
new era of movie-making...
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...that he's brought on and everything
from Jersey has been wonderful.
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Kevin, thanks.
It's been a great ride.
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Do you think that this guy
looks like you over here?
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That guy?
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That's Nathan and Gene. I'm in a
sketch-comedy group with them...
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...and we also wanted to know
if you wanna hang out after...
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...maybe go home and drink some beer.
Got a big house...
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Yeah, especially after that. Yeah.
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You guys had a little shtick going on.
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That was cute. Got right up and went,
"You be Jay, I'll be Silent Bob."
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That's tremendous.
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Don't ever fucking do that again.
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That routine is copyrighted.
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Does the cat look like me?
A little bit.
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How short's your hair?
Take your hat off.
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I would never wear a sweater like that.
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I guess it's easy to look like me.
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Just pack on, like, 400 pounds,
grow a beard.
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But can you do this?
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No?
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Fuck. Because I was hoping
to go out and get a cigarette.
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I figured you could take over
since we look so much alike.
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Is that it?
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Do you wanna hang out after?
We're gonna be...
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...drinking some beer and
smoking some tobacco.
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Like, fuck, no. No.
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No. After the show,
I go home and go to sleep.
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- Why? What?
- We're gonna have fun.
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- I can give you our phone number after.
- All right. Stick around.
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- Okay. Thanks.
- Wait a second. Why "oh"?
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Like, am I supposed to get stoned,
fuck a sheep, something like that?
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I wanted to thank you for coming here.
I got fired from my job so I could come.
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- Get out of here. What a waste of time.
- I'm dead serious.
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Where did you work?
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It's a Italian restaurant.
I was busing.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
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- Want me to call your boss?
- Yeah!
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- I'll get you the number.
- All right.
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- Okay.
- Write it down and bring it up here.
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"This is Kevin Smith."
"Who?"
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"It's Silent Bob, man."
"Who?"
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What's his number?
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Come up.
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- What's the number?
- Right, the number is 8-1-2...
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- That's the area code?
- Yeah.
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9-3...
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- Ask for...
- Shut up.
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- Tara's working...
- Get him on the phone.
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And then I'll talk to him. Go.
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Like to help when I can.
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Amy, hey, this is Matt.
Is Tara or Teresa still there? Okay.
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They're about to come on.
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- Which one?
- I don't know.
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- They'll say.
- What's your name?
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Matt. Brown.
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- Lf this works, I want 10 percent.
- All right.
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Hey, Tara, this is Kevin Smith.
I'm here with... What's his name?
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- Matt Brown.
- Matt Brown?
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A dude who used to work there
until tonight?
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He wanted me
to smooth things over.
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He's in a room with about 30...
3200? 3200 people.
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Sorry. And he said that he had to...
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- Did you quit or get fired?
- A little of both.
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He said his job's in jeopardy
because he came...
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...and he wanted me to ask
you if you could keep him on.
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- No?
- No!
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They're turning on you, Tara.
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Are you sure? Are you sure?
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- Thank you.
- No?
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Thanks a lot. Anyway.
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I just... I have no juice whatsoever.
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We're all proud to have Kevin
here as part of the Clark community.
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I ignored my Jewish duty
to be here tonight.
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I'm a huge fan of Kevin Smith and his
films and his comic books he's written...
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...with Green Arrow and Daredevil.
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I read on your website how you
had just finished Jersey Girl...
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...and it was, I wanna say, 184 pages...
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...and how you were thinking
of doing that with Affleck...
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...but he was doing Daredevil
and there was stuff going on...
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- There was static.
- There we go.
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I was wondering
if you could tell me about it.
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- Elaborate?
- Lf you could.
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- I think you had all the details.
- Okay.
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Back in...
On the Fourth of July I went to...
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I was in Los Angeles
working on Jay and Bob...
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...and we went to Affleck's house
for Fourth of July.
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He's a big fan of Chasing Amy.
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Still is, to this day.
He liked playing the Holden part.
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He wants me to write
something like that again.
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He's like, "Write something like
Chasing Amy again. You've gotta.
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Who else could write it?
You've gotta. Fuck! Write it."
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And I'm just like, "Motherfucker,
one of us won an Oscar for writing."
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I started telling him about
this idea for a movie...
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...which would become Jersey Girl.
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He's like, "I love it. Write it."
I said, "I will.
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When do you wanna do it?"
He said, "April."
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I said, "Yeah. April's good."
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It was July, and we had a few months.
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I'd written 40 pages, and I sent them
to him, and he fell in love with it...
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...because I'm like a pusher.
You know, the first taste is free.
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And then you have to pay for the rest.
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And how he pays is
we make him work very cheap.
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He earns $ 15 million a picture...
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...but we bring him on and pay him
about $ 15 an hour.
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Around the same time...
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...there's a dude named Mark Steven
Johnson who's directing Daredevil.
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He'd been hanging around while
we were shooting the movie.
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He said, "Who could play Daredevil?"
And I said, "Affleck."
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'Cause that's my answer for everything.
I think Affleck could play...
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I'm a big fan, so I think he can play
anything. If people are like, "Jaws 5?"
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I'm like, "Affleck.
Affleck plays the fucking shark."
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So I was like, "Affleck."
He said, "You think?"
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I said, "He'd be great.
He'd dye his hair red."
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Because Matt Murdock,
Daredevil, is a redhead.
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I said, "He'd be great, and he's a fan.
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He wrote the intro to the
Daredevil paperback I did."
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I told Affleck, "There's a dude
checking if you wanna play Daredevil."
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He's like, "I love Daredevil. "
I said, "That's what I told him."
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He said, "What'd you say?"
I said, "You should play it."
209
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He said, "Why?" I was like,
"I think you should play everything."
210
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"Like, even the shark from Jaws?"
"Yes, the shark from Jaws. "
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So they hooked up, and they
kind of dug each other...
212
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...and soon Affleck called me
and was just like...
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..."I'm doing it. I'm gonna put on
the red tights and have the horns."
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00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:45,600
I was like, "It couldn't be any more
embarrassing than Pearl Harbor. "
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00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,400
I said, "When do you start?"
He goes, "April."
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I said, "That's when
we're doing Jersey Girl. "
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He said, "We can wait on Jersey Girl.
218
00:16:00,590 --> 00:16:03,110
I do Daredevil,
I get paid my big nut...
219
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...and then we go do Jersey Girl,
and you pay me $ 15 an hour."
220
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I said, "I don't know, man, I think
we should do Jersey Girl first."
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He's like, "Don't get upset."
I said, "I'm not upset, but fair's fair."
222
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He's like,
"You recommended me."
223
00:16:17,870 --> 00:16:22,400
"I didn't know it would coincide
with Jersey Girl. Fuck Daredevil. "
224
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:25,600
Because I'll turncoat real quickly.
225
00:16:25,780 --> 00:16:28,750
At this point, I haven't even written
more than 40 pages...
226
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:33,220
...but I insist that we go in April,
even though I'm not done.
227
00:16:33,390 --> 00:16:39,450
So two weeks go by, and he calls.
I'd let word leak out through Miramax...
228
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:43,460
...that we were gonna go in April
with or without Ben.
229
00:16:43,630 --> 00:16:48,120
He calls and is like, "You'll shoot
with somebody else? That's for me."
230
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:53,040
I said, "But you're gonna put
on the tights, so fuck you."
231
00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,500
He said, "How we gonna work this out?"
232
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,440
I said, "I'm going in April, and
if you're there, great.
233
00:16:58,610 --> 00:17:01,270
If not, no hard feelings.
Go do Daredevil.
234
00:17:01,450 --> 00:17:05,680
But I want to do something in April.
I want to do this movie."
235
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:08,580
He's like, "Jesus Christ.
Look, if you...
236
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,420
If you're saying you want me
to do Jersey Girl in April...
237
00:17:12,590 --> 00:17:16,720
...and you want me to
pass on Daredevil, I will."
238
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:21,300
I was just like, "Well, if we
move the movie to the summer...
239
00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:26,670
...you have to promise to take far,
far less than you normally take."
240
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:32,070
And he was just like,
"God. Fine, dude. If that'll do it."
241
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,540
I said, "Excellent.
That means a lot to me."
242
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:40,750
Then there's a long pause, and he's
putting shit together in his mind...
243
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:45,650
...and he goes, "You didn't finish
writing the fucking script yet, did you?"
244
00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:49,960
And I said, "Nope, sucker. Goodbye."
245
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:01,470
I'm excited.
246
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,700
I have a couple of
great questions for him.
247
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,400
I really like Mallrats.
248
00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:10,020
He uses a large vocabulary and
manages to get obscenities in there too.
249
00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:15,380
When we called up the activity board,
we said we'd be shooting at Kent State.
250
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,990
They were like, "Bullshit!
251
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:32,400
We went through that shit
once before. Never again!"
252
00:18:33,770 --> 00:18:38,010
That's a tough thing. That'll always be
associated with this school.
253
00:18:38,180 --> 00:18:40,870
They'll never live it down.
The shooting.
254
00:18:41,050 --> 00:18:44,680
It's a horrible thing,
but it's kind of like Germany.
255
00:18:45,550 --> 00:18:49,080
Kent State's not like Germany,
but I went to Germany...
256
00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:53,280
...with one of the flicks, and they're
nice people, but when you get there...
257
00:18:53,460 --> 00:18:57,660
...the first thing, you're like,
"Where's the concentration camps?
258
00:18:57,830 --> 00:19:03,670
We want to see the camps where you
slaughtered many people. Where?"
259
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,030
They're like, "They're here,
but we're Germans...
260
00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:13,610
...we make cars and culture, beer.
I'm sure you like beer.
261
00:19:13,780 --> 00:19:16,680
Wouldn't you like to see
any of that?"
262
00:19:16,850 --> 00:19:19,280
We're like,
"Just the concentration camps.
263
00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:24,490
We want to see the biggest colossal
blunder of any culture, anywhere.
264
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:28,650
Take us." They're like,
"All right, get in the fucking car."
265
00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:33,060
There's always an older person,
like the cab driver.
266
00:19:33,230 --> 00:19:35,830
And you're like, "Were you around?"
267
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,300
The dude's like 26.
268
00:19:39,310 --> 00:19:44,270
And he's like, "No, but my grandparents
were. They were alive."
269
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:48,710
"Well, did they know? Were they
in trouble? Tell us. What? More!"
270
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,510
The guy's like...
He's heard it a zillion times.
271
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:57,720
"They teach it in school, and then we go
accuse our grandparents of atrocities."
272
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:02,230
I think that's what he said.
I can't understand German.
273
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:06,330
I'm sure he was just like,
"Shut the fuck up, fat American."
274
00:20:06,670 --> 00:20:11,230
That's a tough thing to live down.
One day somebody from Kent State...
275
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:15,810
...will cure cancer, and it'll be,
"At Kent State we cured cancer."
276
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:18,880
And they'll be like, "Yeah, but didn't
you have those shootings there?"
277
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:27,080
I'm hoping for mass carnage
and orgies and chaos.
278
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:30,350
It'll be weird to hear him talk
for more than two seconds at a time.
279
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:35,720
He doesn't say much in the movie, but
when he does, everyone turns and looks.
280
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,060
There are questions I wanna ask.
281
00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:41,660
- Gotta love the dialogue in Clerks.
- Mallrats. Much better.
282
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:46,400
- How come?
- More lowbrow humor. I love that.
283
00:20:46,570 --> 00:20:49,060
- Third nipple's awesome.
- Dick and fart jokes.
284
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,300
I hope Jay shows up.
They do some crazy stuff.
285
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,470
I was supposed to have
somebody with me today.
286
00:20:55,650 --> 00:20:59,480
However, fucking moron
missed his plane.
287
00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:04,220
But I brought the phone
so we can call him.
288
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,590
Bear with me.
289
00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:14,700
- See you later, man.
- Get off the cell phone!
290
00:21:14,870 --> 00:21:17,670
How much you guys pay for this?
291
00:21:19,670 --> 00:21:21,900
- Hello.
- Hello. Hold on.
292
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,140
I'm in... I'm in fucking Wyoming.
293
00:21:26,550 --> 00:21:29,950
You should see it. It's desolate.
294
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:34,650
What's up?
295
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:40,750
I'm driving out here,
there's nobody on the road.
296
00:21:40,930 --> 00:21:45,160
It was like the opening
of Mallrats. Nobody.
297
00:21:45,570 --> 00:21:47,560
That's why I didn't go.
298
00:21:47,730 --> 00:21:49,500
I'm gonna count to three...
299
00:21:49,670 --> 00:21:54,040
...you say, "Hello, Wyoming."
Ready? One, two, three.
300
00:21:54,210 --> 00:21:57,230
What up, Wyoming?
301
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,570
Don't cheer too loud.
He missed his fucking plane.
302
00:22:05,750 --> 00:22:09,550
Explain to these people why
you're not here. On three.
303
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:14,020
- Jay, you fucking stoner!
- One, two, three.
304
00:22:14,190 --> 00:22:19,960
I missed the plane, man.
I overslept. I was getting ass.
305
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:23,000
- You're not supposed...
- You fucking asshole!
306
00:22:23,170 --> 00:22:29,130
Somebody just called you a
fucking asshole. Kick his ass, dude.
307
00:22:29,310 --> 00:22:32,680
You can't miss shit like this, dude.
308
00:22:32,850 --> 00:22:38,220
When they put "Jay and Silent Bob"
on the marquee, you have to show up.
309
00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:39,370
Fuck that.
310
00:22:39,550 --> 00:22:44,860
- We fire people for this kind of thing.
- What are you talking about?
311
00:22:58,170 --> 00:23:02,630
What up? Look at that.
Look at that sign.
312
00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:21,420
We tricked them, dude.
313
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,220
Who called me an asshole?
314
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,660
- Who called me the asshole?
- That dude over there.
315
00:23:27,830 --> 00:23:30,800
What's up, dude? What's up?
316
00:23:30,970 --> 00:23:34,370
So that was our little bit
for the evening.
317
00:23:34,540 --> 00:23:36,600
It was good.
318
00:23:36,780 --> 00:23:41,610
You can see we're such great actors
they gave us our own movie once.
319
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,950
And that'll never happen again.
320
00:23:47,950 --> 00:23:49,750
- My name is Erin Guy.
- Hi.
321
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,820
- Hi, how you doing?
- I'm good.
322
00:23:52,990 --> 00:23:54,860
I'm very well, thank you.
323
00:23:55,030 --> 00:23:56,690
- Two questions.
- Yes.
324
00:23:56,860 --> 00:23:59,490
One, how did you come up with
the characters Jay and Silent Bob?
325
00:23:59,670 --> 00:24:03,690
- Yes.
- And two, are either of you married?
326
00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:08,240
To each other?
Because it feels like it.
327
00:24:08,410 --> 00:24:12,900
How did I come up with Jay and
Silent Bob? It came from Mewes.
328
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,880
Growing up...
Watching Mewes grow up, rather...
329
00:24:16,050 --> 00:24:20,510
All right, chill the fuck out.
Get the microphone, come on down.
330
00:24:20,690 --> 00:24:25,090
You can be on camera, don't sit
pussy back and be like, "Yeah!"
331
00:24:32,430 --> 00:24:37,030
Basically, Jay and Silent Bob
came from knowing Jason Mewes.
332
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,830
When I went off to film school
in Canada, I said:
333
00:24:41,010 --> 00:24:43,370
"I'm gonna come back and
put you in a movie."
334
00:24:43,540 --> 00:24:47,910
He said, "Okay." At that point, he was
straight edge. He wore the black X.
335
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,020
- And he was just like no...
- Bullshit!
336
00:24:51,180 --> 00:24:53,450
Exactly. This:
337
00:24:53,620 --> 00:24:57,520
No booze, no drugs,
no cigarettes, no women.
338
00:24:57,690 --> 00:25:02,220
The women thing confused me.
Straight edge, I understand, is...
339
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,390
...no booze, no drugs, no cigarettes.
340
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:08,330
But most straight edge people
fucked, except for this guy.
341
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:13,240
Since he didn't fuck, he was like,
"Well, no, they're no good either."
342
00:25:13,410 --> 00:25:16,000
Because he wasn't getting laid.
343
00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:20,410
But he would talk about pussy
incessantly. All the time.
344
00:25:20,580 --> 00:25:25,640
Like, "I'm gonna get that pussy.
I'm gonna lick it, I'm gonna do this."
345
00:25:29,620 --> 00:25:34,790
You look at him, and you're like, "You
haven't seen pussy since you were born!"
346
00:25:35,300 --> 00:25:38,060
You could tell, because
he talked a good game...
347
00:25:38,230 --> 00:25:41,600
...but as soon as a girl was around,
he'd fucking clam up.
348
00:25:41,770 --> 00:25:46,000
And he'd get on his stone face.
His "I am Mewes," very cool face.
349
00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:48,110
He'd be like,
"I'm gonna lick that pussy."
350
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:52,040
The girl would be coming over here.
He's like, "I'm gonna lick..."
351
00:25:52,410 --> 00:25:57,480
This used to be... He doesn't do it now.
This used to be his cool face.
352
00:26:00,620 --> 00:26:03,820
With the eyes affixed
to whoever he was studying.
353
00:26:03,990 --> 00:26:06,930
But looking this way
and they were that way.
354
00:26:07,090 --> 00:26:11,360
It was a peripheral thing.
Then the girl would walk past him.
355
00:26:19,470 --> 00:26:24,030
Then the moment she was out
of his peripheral and earshot...
356
00:26:24,210 --> 00:26:27,410
...he'd be like,
"I'm gonna lick that pussy."
357
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:33,610
So he talked a good game, and then
I left for Vancouver and came back.
358
00:26:33,790 --> 00:26:36,950
I dropped out after four months,
but I was gone for a total of six.
359
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,820
By the time I came back,
he was completely debauched.
360
00:26:40,990 --> 00:26:44,190
Like, you know,
the straight X was long gone.
361
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,890
And the "no women" thing was
also long gone.
362
00:26:47,070 --> 00:26:50,400
If he had a belt that was notched...
363
00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:54,730
...it would be like the fucking
Chewbacca belt around his body.
364
00:26:57,110 --> 00:27:02,640
Because he's like the Wilt Chamberlain
of indie film. He's fucked a lot.
365
00:27:02,820 --> 00:27:04,650
Right?
366
00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:08,690
When I came back,
he was a little different...
367
00:27:08,860 --> 00:27:11,850
...but I wrote Jay based
on who he was when I left...
368
00:27:12,030 --> 00:27:17,120
...who he was when he was younger.
The weird sonic boom with dirt on it.
369
00:27:22,570 --> 00:27:23,640
- Thanks.
- How long have you known each other?
370
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,500
- Thanks.
- How long have you known each other?
371
00:27:25,670 --> 00:27:28,770
Obviously, a long time,
but I don't follow up.
372
00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:32,880
I'm not like, you know,
a connoisseur, but...
373
00:27:33,050 --> 00:27:37,210
I love your guys'
movies and everything...
374
00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:41,180
But... No... Okay, I'm
digging a hole here, so...
375
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,080
Just deep.
376
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,820
- It's like 13 years.
- Yeah.
377
00:27:47,990 --> 00:27:51,790
You don't have to be a connoisseur
to know that, though.
378
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,090
I met him through my friends
Bryan and Walter at the Rec Center.
379
00:27:56,270 --> 00:27:58,400
I worked with them for a year...
380
00:27:58,570 --> 00:28:02,940
...and then I left. And they told me
these stories about Mewes...
381
00:28:03,110 --> 00:28:05,770
...who everybody kind of knew,
but didn't know.
382
00:28:05,950 --> 00:28:09,640
He was younger than us,
but you saw him in town.
383
00:28:09,820 --> 00:28:15,780
He was the town's kid, the kid of
urban legend or suburban legend.
384
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,950
"There's Mewes. He broke the
fucking window at Katz's."
385
00:28:20,130 --> 00:28:23,620
Or, "Here's the Mewes kid.
I hear he fucked a dog."
386
00:28:25,900 --> 00:28:29,840
- Did you really fuck the dog?
- Only once.
387
00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:35,200
I didn't know him, and Bryan and Walter
would tell me stories about him.
388
00:28:35,510 --> 00:28:38,340
They're like, "He's so funny.
He says these funny things.
389
00:28:38,510 --> 00:28:41,710
He's really fucking weird and funny."
390
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:46,110
I didn't like that, 'cause I was their new
funny friend, so I was kind of territorial.
391
00:28:46,290 --> 00:28:49,280
We'd go to comic book shows,
and I'd drive to the city...
392
00:28:49,460 --> 00:28:52,820
...because they were too pussy
to drive to the city.
393
00:28:52,990 --> 00:28:55,930
One day Bryan and Walter
showed up with Mewes.
394
00:28:56,100 --> 00:29:01,660
I said, "What's this? What's with
the kid? What, are you babysitting?"
395
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:06,670
They said, "We're gonna bring him.
He loves comics, take him to the show.
396
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:09,710
Make fun of the people there. Not us."
397
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,900
I said, "I'm not bringing
a minor across state lines."
398
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:16,570
The show was in New York.
Bryan was like, "I'll drive."
399
00:29:16,750 --> 00:29:20,310
Mewes is the kind of asshole
that's like, "Shotgun!"
400
00:29:22,620 --> 00:29:27,620
He jumps in the front, and I'm crammed
in the back. What was it, a Firebird?
401
00:29:27,790 --> 00:29:28,780
Yeah.
402
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,900
With my knees
up to my fucking ears...
403
00:29:32,070 --> 00:29:35,160
...and he's in the front:
404
00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:36,800
"Snootch. Snoogins."
405
00:29:37,270 --> 00:29:39,760
And Bryan and Walter are like:
406
00:29:39,940 --> 00:29:43,270
I'm in the back, like,
"He ain't so fucking funny."
407
00:29:44,610 --> 00:29:49,840
Bryan and Walter lost interest in him,
and he started coming over to my place.
408
00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:53,420
He'd knock, and I'd go
out and be like, "What?"
409
00:29:53,590 --> 00:29:56,180
And he'd be like, "You want to do
something today?"
410
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,350
I was like, "No."
411
00:29:58,530 --> 00:30:01,860
I said, "We share friends,
but we're not friends.
412
00:30:02,030 --> 00:30:04,760
We're both friends
with Bryan and Walter.
413
00:30:04,930 --> 00:30:08,730
I know you live around the block,
but we don't hang out."
414
00:30:08,900 --> 00:30:12,390
He's like, "All right, all right.
So, what do you want to do?"
415
00:30:13,410 --> 00:30:17,570
I said, "If you really want to hang out,
come with me to the store...
416
00:30:17,740 --> 00:30:20,910
...Quick Stop, 5:30 Sunday morning.
We'll make papers."
417
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:22,740
You ever make papers?
418
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,440
The Sunday newspapers
come in, like, five sections.
419
00:30:26,620 --> 00:30:29,950
You have to put them together.
We had five Sunday papers...
420
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,420
...which was a lot.
421
00:30:31,590 --> 00:30:35,190
You have 200 of each, so you're
doing this for hours upon end.
422
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:37,630
- That job sucks!
- Terrible, isn't it?
423
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:40,700
- Yes.
- This one's not much better.
424
00:30:41,070 --> 00:30:44,940
I'd asked Bryan and Walter
to go, and they're like, "Fuck you."
425
00:30:45,100 --> 00:30:48,340
"5:30, Sunday morning, it'll be fun."
They were like, "No."
426
00:30:48,510 --> 00:30:51,170
But Mewes, I was like,
"You want to hang out?
427
00:30:51,340 --> 00:30:54,510
Come down to the store.
I'll give you $2.00."
428
00:30:55,420 --> 00:30:58,540
He was like, "All right."
So he'd come down.
429
00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:02,210
We'd stack some of them
on the ice cream case...
430
00:31:02,390 --> 00:31:06,720
...that Dante and Randal sit on in
Clerks when he's doing the salsa shark.
431
00:31:06,890 --> 00:31:11,230
We'd stack them there, and Mewes
would sleep on the freezer case.
432
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:16,660
Mewes is a horrible fucking sleeper.
When he sleeps, he drools like a child.
433
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,000
Here's this dude sleeping
with his mouth open...
434
00:31:20,170 --> 00:31:24,670
...tons of liquid pouring out
onto the freezer case and freezing.
435
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:29,300
So he had this icicle thing going on.
Then people would get papers...
436
00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:33,210
...and as the piles got lower
and lower, he'd show up.
437
00:31:33,390 --> 00:31:36,150
So somebody would be like,
"What the fuck!"
438
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,350
We started hanging out that way
and bonded.
439
00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:43,590
The day that I realized he was a
comedic genius without knowing it...
440
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:45,890
...hopefully he still doesn't know it...
441
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,970
...was the day that Walter and I
were in the Rec Center...
442
00:31:49,140 --> 00:31:51,300
...the kids hadn't come in yet...
443
00:31:51,470 --> 00:31:55,700
...and it's all quiet and the door
fucking gets kicked open.
444
00:31:55,880 --> 00:32:01,840
Mewes marches in like Groucho Marx
and fellates anything somewhat phallic.
445
00:32:02,020 --> 00:32:05,250
So if there's a pool cue,
he's sucking it off.
446
00:32:05,420 --> 00:32:07,580
Grabs the phone,
sucks it off.
447
00:32:07,750 --> 00:32:11,280
Grabs the flag,
takes the eagle off, sucks it off.
448
00:32:11,460 --> 00:32:15,620
Everything, going...
Sucking everything in the room off.
449
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:20,030
Walter and I are watching
him go, just like:
450
00:32:21,300 --> 00:32:23,200
He never looked at us for approval.
451
00:32:23,370 --> 00:32:26,630
Like, "This is funny.
I'm sucking everything off."
452
00:32:26,810 --> 00:32:29,930
Almost like he didn't know
we were there or didn't care.
453
00:32:30,110 --> 00:32:35,270
Like, he had an agenda. I always
pictured him walking around town going...
454
00:32:35,450 --> 00:32:39,750
..."It's 2:30. I better go to the Rec
and suck everything off."
455
00:32:43,090 --> 00:32:46,220
He does this for 15 minutes,
then reaches...
456
00:32:46,390 --> 00:32:49,560
We had an Asteroids machine,
which, if you remember...
457
00:32:49,730 --> 00:32:52,600
...has a roller ball instead
of a joystick.
458
00:32:52,770 --> 00:32:58,290
And he fucking stops dead.
Because there's no joystick.
459
00:32:58,470 --> 00:33:00,670
And me and Walter are like:
460
00:33:02,710 --> 00:33:06,870
You know, 'cause what's a guy to do?
He ran out of phallic symbols.
461
00:33:07,050 --> 00:33:10,540
And he shrugged, and he went
down on the roller ball.
462
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:24,660
So I said, "This is a dude
I wanna hang out with forever."
463
00:33:24,830 --> 00:33:28,930
Because A: He's pretty funny.
B: He looks like he sucks a lot of dick.
464
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,730
For them slow nights,
that's a good guy to have around.
465
00:33:32,940 --> 00:33:36,140
It's like, "No chicks.
We saw all the movies.
466
00:33:36,340 --> 00:33:38,170
Wanna suck my dick?"
467
00:33:38,380 --> 00:33:43,680
"All right, moves."
We've been hanging out for 13 years.
468
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:44,870
- Cool.
- Okay.
469
00:33:45,050 --> 00:33:46,710
- Thanks for coming.
- Thanks for having.
470
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,550
In the comics and the movies,
does Jay's tiny dick...
471
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:55,350
...and latent homosexuality come
from his escapades at the Rec Center?
472
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:58,430
Or is there something else
behind that?
473
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:06,370
- You're writing the shit.
- Yeah.
474
00:34:06,540 --> 00:34:08,800
- What are you writing about?
- So I should answer?
475
00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:12,570
- Answer it, Jay.
- Yeah, why don't you answer.
476
00:34:12,750 --> 00:34:14,410
- What?
- Is any of it true?
477
00:34:14,580 --> 00:34:18,680
Well, are you asking
if I have a small dick?
478
00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:22,550
I don't know about my dick.
I don't know if it's small.
479
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,550
I know it's not big, though.
But...
480
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,780
You got a thousand judges here.
Whip it out.
481
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,190
- I'm not...
- They'll let you know.
482
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,890
I'm not gay, though.
No, I love pussy.
483
00:34:34,100 --> 00:34:38,230
I love pussy. So much.
484
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,800
- Pull his cock out of your mouth, dude.
- Who, him? Me or him?
485
00:34:43,010 --> 00:34:47,670
No, they're talking about me.
No, I like the cock in my mouth.
486
00:34:48,850 --> 00:34:52,220
Why don't you put a cock in
your mouth and shut your face.
487
00:34:57,790 --> 00:34:59,880
You got unleashed for a second.
488
00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:04,660
You're like, "Put a fucking cock
in your mouth and shut your face."
489
00:35:06,430 --> 00:35:11,370
Jay and Silent Bob have great
chemistry, great sexual tension.
490
00:35:11,570 --> 00:35:15,100
How come in the last one they
never got it on? I was disappointed.
491
00:35:15,310 --> 00:35:17,330
How come they didn't just fuck?
492
00:35:17,540 --> 00:35:21,600
- Yeah. The whole movie...
- Wait till DVD. Wait till DVD.
493
00:35:28,020 --> 00:35:33,580
Thank you. On your final project,
Jay and Silent Bob porn, whole movie.
494
00:35:33,790 --> 00:35:35,120
Jay and Silent Bob porn.
495
00:35:35,330 --> 00:35:39,820
There are days when I'm afraid
that that will become true...
496
00:35:40,030 --> 00:35:43,520
...because Mewes isn't the most
discerning actor on the planet.
497
00:35:43,700 --> 00:35:47,070
He was hanging out with
this dude named Johnny Nitro.
498
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:50,840
Guy makes porn. He was like,
"I went to the set of a porn."
499
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:55,810
I was like, "What was that like?"
He was like, "It was cool.
500
00:35:56,020 --> 00:35:59,970
They were fucking, and they asked
me if I wanted to get in, so I was..."
501
00:36:00,150 --> 00:36:02,180
I said, "Wait. Wh...? What?"
502
00:36:02,690 --> 00:36:07,220
He was like, "It was a courtroom scene.
They asked if I wanted to sit in the jury."
503
00:36:07,730 --> 00:36:13,190
I said, "You didn't do it, did you?"
And he was like, "N... No."
504
00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:16,100
I was like, "Just as long as it's no."
505
00:36:16,300 --> 00:36:19,470
So periodically I cruise
the porn aisle...
506
00:36:19,670 --> 00:36:22,940
...to make sure Mewes
isn't in any of the movies.
507
00:36:23,140 --> 00:36:25,080
Just for that, you know.
508
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,340
But, no Jay and Bob porn
in the future.
509
00:36:28,550 --> 00:36:33,920
There is a Jay porn that exists without
Silent Bob. But Silent Bob watched it.
510
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,250
- Can I get a copy?
- A copy?
511
00:36:36,420 --> 00:36:38,120
Yeah.
512
00:36:39,190 --> 00:36:43,390
Not tonight. Because I don't
have it on me.
513
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:46,860
But I'll try to make it
publicly available.
514
00:36:47,070 --> 00:36:49,760
We sell everything else
on that website of ours.
515
00:36:51,970 --> 00:36:55,500
www.viewaskew.com
516
00:36:55,710 --> 00:36:59,700
- You like Jay, do you?
- Yeah.
517
00:37:08,350 --> 00:37:11,620
Is he single? Is he single?
518
00:37:11,820 --> 00:37:14,760
Is he single? Yeah.
519
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:19,560
Inasmuch as, like,
he's tied to no one person.
520
00:37:19,770 --> 00:37:24,170
- So there's a chance?
- There's always a chance, my friend.
521
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:27,770
- Thank you.
- Okay.
522
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:39,510
- Hey, Kevin...
- Wait. Wait. Wait.
523
00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:43,210
You saying you're
"into Mewes" into Mewes?
524
00:37:44,590 --> 00:37:46,520
Not yet.
525
00:37:58,070 --> 00:38:01,770
You owe me for
that tremendous setup, sir.
526
00:38:01,970 --> 00:38:05,170
Would you like to hear
about how he almost got married?
527
00:38:05,340 --> 00:38:07,180
- Yes.
- Yeah.
528
00:38:08,710 --> 00:38:11,710
You gotta ask him one day.
It's pretty funny.
529
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:20,590
Mewes had a girlfriend for a long time.
530
00:38:20,790 --> 00:38:23,990
And one day...
I don't wanna say her name...
531
00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:28,060
...'cause he's no longer with her.
We were going to the mall...
532
00:38:28,230 --> 00:38:31,860
...and he goes, "So I did it last night.
I asked..."
533
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:35,060
Fuck it, her name's Jamie.
"I asked Jamie to marry me."
534
00:38:35,270 --> 00:38:39,770
And I said, "Really?"
He's like, "I kind of did it all cool too."
535
00:38:39,980 --> 00:38:45,650
He has this fish tank. He's like,
"I got her these expensive fish...
536
00:38:45,850 --> 00:38:51,760
...and then I put the ring in this box
at the bottom of the fish tank...
537
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:55,720
...you know, bubbles,
a little treasure chest, and it opens...
538
00:38:55,930 --> 00:38:58,760
...and she came in, and I said,
'Look at the fish. '
539
00:38:58,930 --> 00:39:02,800
She saw the ring, and I got down
on one knee and proposed."
540
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:07,700
I was like, "That is really fucking
cool, man. Like, I'm shocked. You?
541
00:39:09,010 --> 00:39:12,140
That is really sweet.
I wish I'd been there for that.
542
00:39:12,310 --> 00:39:14,750
It would've been nice to be a
fly on the wall for that."
543
00:39:14,950 --> 00:39:17,680
He's like, "Well, I taped it."
544
00:39:18,620 --> 00:39:20,280
I said, "You did?"
545
00:39:20,490 --> 00:39:24,580
He's like, "I set up a tape
recorder in the corner...
546
00:39:24,790 --> 00:39:28,060
...and turned it on when I knew
she was coming.
547
00:39:28,260 --> 00:39:32,320
And then she pulled up and was
talking to my mom for a bit...
548
00:39:32,500 --> 00:39:34,860
...and I was getting pissed...
549
00:39:35,070 --> 00:39:38,130
...and I wasn't gonna propose
to her anymore...
550
00:39:38,340 --> 00:39:40,740
...because she was making me wait."
551
00:39:40,910 --> 00:39:45,140
The exact mind frame you wanna
enter into marriage with.
552
00:39:45,340 --> 00:39:49,370
He's like, "But then she came in, and we
went through it, and it's all on tape."
553
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:53,380
I said, "I would like to see that.
Give me the tape."
554
00:39:53,550 --> 00:39:58,750
He's like, "I will." And he's like,
"There's another tape too."
555
00:39:59,930 --> 00:40:01,830
I was like,
"What do you do on that one?"
556
00:40:01,990 --> 00:40:06,400
He was like, "We fuck." And I was
like, "Get the fuck out of here!"
557
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,260
He was like, "We were celebrating.
We got engaged.
558
00:40:09,470 --> 00:40:12,530
So I changed the tape,
and we started going at it."
559
00:40:12,740 --> 00:40:15,760
And I said,
"I gotta see that one too!"
560
00:40:15,940 --> 00:40:18,880
He's like, "You wanna see it?"
I was like, "Shit, yes!
561
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:21,950
Give me the tape."
So he gave me both...
562
00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:26,070
...the engagement tape
and the Jason Mewes fuck tape.
563
00:40:26,290 --> 00:40:29,550
I took them home and threw
the wedding tape aside.
564
00:40:29,860 --> 00:40:34,350
He told me about it, fuck it.
I wanna see this man in action.
565
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:40,860
I put in the tape. And it's one of the
worst amateur porns you've ever seen.
566
00:40:41,070 --> 00:40:44,830
It's a real one-camera setup.
It's like Clerks.
567
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,540
But even funnier.
568
00:40:48,710 --> 00:40:54,410
Sets up the camera, and the MTV Video
Music Awards plays in the background.
569
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,950
Whole time. Now across from them,
in the frame...
570
00:41:00,150 --> 00:41:05,890
...is a framed poster of the X-Men.
The comic book version.
571
00:41:06,090 --> 00:41:11,150
And in the reflection of the X-Men
is the Video Music Awards.
572
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:17,670
So the camera the whole time is
auto-focusing between Jay and Jamie...
573
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:20,140
...and the Video Music Awards.
574
00:41:20,340 --> 00:41:24,300
So, number one, it's the most
irritating porn in the world to watch...
575
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:26,470
...because you're like:
576
00:41:27,750 --> 00:41:33,210
Number two, he pretty much gets
in there and blocks the whole thing.
577
00:41:33,420 --> 00:41:37,290
You're not seeing anything good.
Just his ass up and down.
578
00:41:37,820 --> 00:41:41,280
And I've seen that a zillion
fucking times.
579
00:41:41,890 --> 00:41:45,330
But the best part about it was
what I told him...
580
00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:48,370
...because he wanted me
to critique it.
581
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,500
I was like, "I'm the last guy
that should be telling you this...
582
00:41:52,670 --> 00:41:54,730
...but you gotta work on
your camera work.
583
00:41:55,170 --> 00:41:59,240
But number two, I gotta talk
to you about your whole finale."
584
00:41:59,450 --> 00:42:03,310
He's like, "What about it?"
I'm like, "Dude, it's weak sauce."
585
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:07,420
He's like, "What do you mean?"
And I was like, "This is you:"
586
00:42:19,730 --> 00:42:22,460
And he starts fucking cracking up.
587
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:25,470
When he really starts laughing,
he's like:
588
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,610
His veins pop out.
I'm like, "I'm serious.
589
00:42:28,770 --> 00:42:33,840
You fucking give three thrusts,
one tug, and you walk away.
590
00:42:34,050 --> 00:42:37,950
Try a little tenderness, you know?
A cuddle, something."
591
00:42:38,150 --> 00:42:41,550
I was like, "And it went on forever.
At a certain point, I stopped watching...
592
00:42:41,720 --> 00:42:45,420
...and concentrated on the VMAs
because it was on in the background."
593
00:42:45,620 --> 00:42:48,590
But he promised to work on
his technique.
594
00:42:48,790 --> 00:42:51,560
And I've yet to see the follow-up.
595
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,490
But now that I know
you're available...
596
00:42:54,700 --> 00:42:57,430
That's the one I would like to see.
597
00:42:59,470 --> 00:43:03,070
I've seen him fuck a chick,
and I wasn't impressed.
598
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,180
My name is Abe Mohammedian.
599
00:43:07,380 --> 00:43:10,510
I got a question about you
and Scott Mosier.
600
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:13,680
What's the history
about your relationship...
601
00:43:13,890 --> 00:43:16,450
...and the dynamic that's followed
through with the five movies?
602
00:43:16,660 --> 00:43:18,280
My history with Mosier...
603
00:43:18,490 --> 00:43:21,890
I went to Vancouver Film School
in British Columbia...
604
00:43:22,060 --> 00:43:25,620
...because it was a quick tech program.
It was eight months.
605
00:43:25,830 --> 00:43:28,530
Nine grand for eight months.
At the end...
606
00:43:28,700 --> 00:43:33,830
...they don't give you a degree, you get
a certificate that says you finished...
607
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:38,310
...which is about as useful as a degree,
you'll find out.
608
00:43:40,250 --> 00:43:45,050
So I was there for four months and then
dropped out and went back to Jersey.
609
00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:47,650
I went for hands-on technical stuff.
610
00:43:47,850 --> 00:43:50,580
They were like, "It's all practice.
All practical. No theory."
611
00:43:50,790 --> 00:43:53,280
Then we did theory for three months.
612
00:43:53,490 --> 00:43:55,760
I don't need some Canadian dude...
613
00:43:55,930 --> 00:44:01,060
...telling me what Demme was trying
to say with Silence of the Lambs.
614
00:44:01,270 --> 00:44:06,570
So I stuck around for a little bit,
but during that time I met Mosier.
615
00:44:06,770 --> 00:44:10,440
The first day I went to class...
We had one class, 25 people.
616
00:44:10,610 --> 00:44:14,270
And we, you know, went through
every class together.
617
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:19,510
They bring in a new bunch,
I think, every four months.
618
00:44:19,720 --> 00:44:24,210
Mosier was a guy in a class that
I was like, "Look at this pretty boy."
619
00:44:24,420 --> 00:44:29,520
He had, like, this real 90210 'do,
a Luke Perry thing going on.
620
00:44:29,730 --> 00:44:33,990
He came in in a leather jacket,
like, a motorcycle hood...
621
00:44:34,170 --> 00:44:35,930
...but, like, a good-looking one.
622
00:44:36,140 --> 00:44:40,370
Like, the motorcycle hood
with a heart of gold...
623
00:44:40,570 --> 00:44:44,200
...whose mom died,
and he's just really misunderstood...
624
00:44:44,410 --> 00:44:50,040
...and he'll hook up with Brenda before
the season's out. That was my take.
625
00:44:50,250 --> 00:44:54,210
Mosier said his first take on
me was, "Look at the blowhard asshole."
626
00:44:54,420 --> 00:44:56,850
So we didn't really speak...
627
00:44:57,060 --> 00:45:00,550
...and then we got thrown
together on this project.
628
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:02,990
Turns out, we had a
similar sense of humor.
629
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:08,360
We joked about calling our production
company "Post Party At Spago's."
630
00:45:08,570 --> 00:45:13,500
We both got it, and nobody else did. So I
was like, "I wanna hang out with this guy.
631
00:45:13,710 --> 00:45:16,110
He gets the obscure,
bad references."
632
00:45:16,310 --> 00:45:20,180
We started hanging out more and more.
That's where our friendship built.
633
00:45:20,380 --> 00:45:23,140
I was like,
"I'm not gonna stick around.
634
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:26,150
If I get out
before the four-month mark...
635
00:45:26,350 --> 00:45:28,580
...I get to walk with five grand.
636
00:45:28,750 --> 00:45:32,320
I'm gonna take my five grand
and put it in a movie.
637
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:35,250
I'm gonna go home
and start writing."
638
00:45:35,460 --> 00:45:39,760
But he wanted to finish the course
because his parents would be proud.
639
00:45:39,970 --> 00:45:41,990
I didn't care about my parents.
640
00:45:42,170 --> 00:45:44,970
They were like,
"Look, we know you're a failure.
641
00:45:45,170 --> 00:45:48,070
If you drop out, it's fine."
So I did.
642
00:45:48,270 --> 00:45:50,710
I said, "I'm gonna go home and write.
643
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:55,680
You write, and whoever gets done first,
the other will help the other one out.
644
00:45:55,880 --> 00:46:01,380
If you finish your script, I'll help you.
If I finish mine, you help me."
645
00:46:01,590 --> 00:46:04,520
I finished Clerks first,
and he came down.
646
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:07,660
He got trapped into
the role of de facto producer.
647
00:46:07,860 --> 00:46:10,350
Nobody goes to film school going,
"I wanna produce."
648
00:46:10,530 --> 00:46:12,760
Everyone wants to be a filmmaker.
649
00:46:12,970 --> 00:46:15,330
My job is kind of the dream job.
650
00:46:15,530 --> 00:46:21,500
I get to write, you know, fucking,
"Jay and Silent Bob run into a wall."
651
00:46:22,940 --> 00:46:27,540
Then I hand it to him. He's like,
"All right. It'll cost this much.
652
00:46:27,710 --> 00:46:32,080
We have to hire this many people."
His job is the tough job.
653
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:35,780
Particularly on Chasing Amy,
his head almost exploded.
654
00:46:35,990 --> 00:46:39,150
We were trying to make
that movie for $250,000.
655
00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:42,890
Initially, we wanted to do it
for $3 million.
656
00:46:43,100 --> 00:46:45,500
We had done Mallrats for $6 million.
657
00:46:45,660 --> 00:46:49,620
First one was $28,000.
Second one, Mallrats, $6 million.
658
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:54,700
We were like, "We'll go
to a sensible budget, $3 million."
659
00:46:54,910 --> 00:46:58,710
We pitched the movie
to Miramax, gave them the script...
660
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:02,240
...and they were like, "This is great.
Who do you wanna put in it?"
661
00:47:02,450 --> 00:47:07,080
I was like, "I wrote it for Ben Affleck,
Jason Lee, Joey Lauren Adams."
662
00:47:07,250 --> 00:47:12,090
And the exec was like, "Oh, no.
We have to put celebrities in it.
663
00:47:12,290 --> 00:47:17,420
We were thinking Drew Barrymore,
Jon Stewart, David Schwimmer."
664
00:47:22,170 --> 00:47:27,160
And I was like, "Why?
Where'd you get that grouping from?
665
00:47:27,540 --> 00:47:31,240
Did you just pick those three
off the top of your head?"
666
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:33,380
They'd had deals with them.
667
00:47:33,580 --> 00:47:36,410
I said,
"I wanna make it with my people."
668
00:47:36,580 --> 00:47:39,420
And the exec said words
I will never forget:
669
00:47:39,620 --> 00:47:42,780
"Kevin, it's not about making
a movie with your friends."
670
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,950
I was like, "Really?"
671
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,160
That's been the whole point
of my career.
672
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:52,230
So I went to see Harvey Weinstein,
the chairman.
673
00:47:52,430 --> 00:47:57,870
I said, "Look, you guys wanna do
the movie at $3 million with a cast.
674
00:47:58,070 --> 00:48:00,540
I wanna use the people
I wrote it for.
675
00:48:00,740 --> 00:48:06,580
Let us make the movie for $200,000.
We'll bring it back. If you like it, buy it.
676
00:48:06,750 --> 00:48:10,370
If not, we take it someplace else."
We have an overall deal with them.
677
00:48:10,580 --> 00:48:14,810
He said, "200,000?
I'll give you 250."
678
00:48:15,650 --> 00:48:20,650
And I said, "That's really generous.
All right, man, that's cool."
679
00:48:20,860 --> 00:48:23,850
I went home and said,
"Mosier, Harvey gave us the money."
680
00:48:24,060 --> 00:48:28,290
He's like, "Get out!" I was like,
"I asked one amount, he gave me more."
681
00:48:28,500 --> 00:48:33,370
And Mosier was like, "Terrific.
You're really good at this shit.
682
00:48:36,540 --> 00:48:40,270
So, what's the budget?"
And I was like, "$250,000!"
683
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:42,950
And Mosier was just like:
684
00:48:44,350 --> 00:48:48,250
The brain came out, and he was like,
"$250,000? Are you nuts?
685
00:48:48,420 --> 00:48:50,650
We can't make a movie for that."
686
00:48:50,860 --> 00:48:53,480
I was like,
"We made a movie for $28,000."
687
00:48:53,690 --> 00:48:58,890
He's like, "That's barely a movie.
This movie is more complicated.
688
00:48:59,100 --> 00:49:02,400
How are we gonna do it?"
I was like, "You'll figure it out.
689
00:49:04,100 --> 00:49:07,540
I gotta call Ben and Jason."
He's like, "Good Lord."
690
00:49:07,740 --> 00:49:12,110
So he spent most of Chasing Amy,
like, sleeping in his office...
691
00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:16,010
...trying to figure out
where the money was coming from...
692
00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:19,310
...trying to make everything work
on a shoestring.
693
00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:23,820
Shooting that movie for $250,000
almost killed him. And I never noticed.
694
00:49:23,990 --> 00:49:28,720
My job's kind of always the same
no matter what the budget is.
695
00:49:28,930 --> 00:49:32,620
I write it, and then I rehearse
the actors and hope...
696
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:37,330
...they give the performance that
I heard in my head when I wrote it...
697
00:49:37,500 --> 00:49:39,770
...if not a better performance.
698
00:49:39,970 --> 00:49:42,600
No matter the budget,
my job doesn't change.
699
00:49:42,770 --> 00:49:45,540
But Mosier's job is
always affected by the budget.
700
00:49:45,740 --> 00:49:49,740
The last one was 20 million bucks.
Jay and Bob Strike Back.
701
00:49:49,950 --> 00:49:55,180
And he was happy as a pig in shit.
I'm like, "There's a problem."
702
00:49:55,390 --> 00:49:58,910
He was like, "That's fine,
throw some money at it."
703
00:50:00,390 --> 00:50:02,950
Problem solved, you know.
704
00:50:03,160 --> 00:50:06,760
But with the other ones, it's like,
"We got a problem."
705
00:50:06,930 --> 00:50:10,990
He's like, "It's not my fault. You asked
for 200 grand, asshole." I'm like, "Oh."
706
00:50:11,170 --> 00:50:14,630
He runs the gamut, depending
on what the budget is.
707
00:50:14,810 --> 00:50:18,770
Dogma was tight. We had $ 10 million.
We should've had more to do it.
708
00:50:18,980 --> 00:50:23,410
Also, we were dealing with crazy
schedules of people coming and going.
709
00:50:23,580 --> 00:50:28,080
They were paid scale, which is, like,
minimum wage of the movie business.
710
00:50:28,290 --> 00:50:33,520
So we had to allow them
to do other things if they wanted.
711
00:50:33,730 --> 00:50:35,920
That became a nightmare for him.
712
00:50:36,130 --> 00:50:39,790
But the last one
he had a great time doing.
713
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:44,160
He's like, "I love making movies with you,
but I hate the shit I have to go through.
714
00:50:44,340 --> 00:50:46,740
I hate dealing with these people."
715
00:50:46,940 --> 00:50:51,200
And I'm like, "All right, we can
make movies with puppets."
716
00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:58,150
But he's not real...
He's afraid of puppets.
717
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:03,280
So he's in this weird headspace
where he bought a VW conversion van.
718
00:51:03,490 --> 00:51:07,450
And Mosier... You don't know him
so it's not gonna play as well...
719
00:51:07,630 --> 00:51:10,690
...but Mosier doesn't buy
extravagant things.
720
00:51:10,900 --> 00:51:14,020
He kind of lives
a very monk-like life.
721
00:51:14,230 --> 00:51:18,860
So one day I came to the office, and
I saw this tricked out conversion van.
722
00:51:19,070 --> 00:51:21,900
I was like,
"Whose piece of shit is that?"
723
00:51:22,070 --> 00:51:25,480
He's like, "That's mine."
I was like, "Why'd you get that?"
724
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,240
He's like, "I don't know. $38,000.
725
00:51:28,410 --> 00:51:32,250
I figure instead of walking the earth,
I can drive the earth."
726
00:51:33,220 --> 00:51:35,850
He's like, "Here's the sink
and a stove.
727
00:51:36,050 --> 00:51:40,790
Out back there's a little shower thing.
The top is a pop-out.
728
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:43,760
I got two beds up here
and beds down here.
729
00:51:43,930 --> 00:51:45,900
Me and Monica could sleep up here.
730
00:51:46,060 --> 00:51:50,690
You and Jen could sleep under us."
I'm like, "I'd be up for that."
731
00:51:51,670 --> 00:51:55,770
So he's in this weird kind of
"I've got a VW van" headspace...
732
00:51:55,940 --> 00:51:59,670
..."and I don't know if I wanna keep
making movies for Miramax."
733
00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:01,900
If that makes any sense.
734
00:52:02,110 --> 00:52:05,170
- Yeah, so...
- We should call him.
735
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:11,150
- Call Ben!
- You know, Mosier first. Hold on.
736
00:52:11,690 --> 00:52:15,060
Believe me, I'd much rather
call people all night.
737
00:52:15,260 --> 00:52:17,820
Just hold the phone to the mike.
738
00:52:18,830 --> 00:52:24,200
Hey, Monica? Is Scotty there? Okay.
739
00:52:29,270 --> 00:52:34,440
Hey, man, what's up?
I'm at Kent State on stage.
740
00:52:38,620 --> 00:52:43,380
I'm gonna count to three.
I'm gonna put you to the mike.
741
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:47,920
In 20 seconds, give them a rough
breakdown of your conversion van.
742
00:52:48,530 --> 00:52:51,860
Yeah, like what it's tricked
out with. All right, ready?
743
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:55,530
I'll hold you to the mike.
Ready? One, two, three.
744
00:52:55,730 --> 00:53:01,000
It's got a fridge, it's got
a two-burner stove, a sink.
745
00:53:01,210 --> 00:53:05,110
It can sleep four.
It's got the pop-up.
746
00:53:05,310 --> 00:53:10,250
Runs off propane so I can run
a thermostat, keep it hot.
747
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:13,940
Make a little love, you know.
748
00:53:20,490 --> 00:53:24,050
- Anything else?
- Not much more to say than that, man.
749
00:53:24,260 --> 00:53:27,030
Come on, you sold it to me bigtime.
750
00:53:31,170 --> 00:53:33,140
That's about it, man.
751
00:53:34,270 --> 00:53:36,300
What did you pay for it?
752
00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:42,840
- It cost, like, about between 35 and 40.
- You got ripped off.
753
00:53:43,050 --> 00:53:46,420
Look, I've been working
a long time, man.
754
00:53:47,320 --> 00:53:48,840
- All right.
- What color?
755
00:53:49,020 --> 00:53:52,180
What color is it? It's beige?
No, it's white.
756
00:53:52,390 --> 00:53:55,290
That's beautiful, man!
757
00:53:56,760 --> 00:54:00,530
Some guy in the back went,
"That's beautiful, man."
758
00:54:00,730 --> 00:54:04,330
All right, man, that's it.
All right, bye.
759
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:09,130
Hi, I'm Shawn Johnson.
In your writing...
760
00:54:09,340 --> 00:54:13,210
...do you take any of your own
life experiences and put them in?
761
00:54:13,410 --> 00:54:18,410
Yes, one time me and my friends were
running from this rubber poop monster.
762
00:54:18,620 --> 00:54:20,680
Smart ass.
763
00:54:25,620 --> 00:54:30,120
And then we tried to sneak
into Miramax Studios, you know...
764
00:54:30,330 --> 00:54:34,200
...fell onto the set
of Good Will Hunting II.
765
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:38,860
No, generally not. Because
real life tends to be very boring.
766
00:54:39,070 --> 00:54:43,400
Which is why the dialogue I write tends
to be the way it is, 'cause people say:
767
00:54:43,610 --> 00:54:49,570
"It sounds like you write down the
conversations of friends. It's natural."
768
00:54:49,780 --> 00:54:54,080
Not at all. The conversations I have with
my friends are probably similar to yours.
769
00:54:54,250 --> 00:54:55,620
Like, "What did you do?"
770
00:54:55,820 --> 00:54:57,720
"Got laid."
"Awesome."
771
00:54:57,890 --> 00:55:01,880
One word. Really monosyllabic,
caveman-type talk.
772
00:55:02,090 --> 00:55:07,120
But I've read somewhere the writer
crafts their ideal world.
773
00:55:07,330 --> 00:55:13,640
In mine, everyone has long conversations
about interesting pop-culture shit.
774
00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:16,810
And everyone talks in monologues.
775
00:55:18,980 --> 00:55:22,740
But generally not.
There are instances of real life.
776
00:55:22,950 --> 00:55:26,750
I did work at Quick Stop and RST.
That's about where it stops.
777
00:55:26,920 --> 00:55:29,910
There were people that would
check the date of the milk...
778
00:55:30,090 --> 00:55:33,580
...but not like the lady in the movie,
who was my mom, incidentally.
779
00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:37,560
People do check the eggs
at the counter. That bugged me.
780
00:55:37,730 --> 00:55:39,820
Check eggs in front of you...
781
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:43,160
...as if I'm sitting in the back
with a little hammer, like:
782
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:48,030
Like, "I'll break one,
and they'll never know."
783
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:53,130
You blow that shit out of proportion.
That makes it interesting.
784
00:55:53,310 --> 00:55:57,870
If I wrote about real life,
Chasing Amy would be about the fact...
785
00:55:58,080 --> 00:56:03,080
...that I couldn't stand that my
girlfriend had gone to Bali and I didn't.
786
00:56:03,250 --> 00:56:05,250
Not a very interesting movie.
787
00:56:05,420 --> 00:56:09,990
So I'm like, "Maybe her boyfriend
suggests they sleep with his best friend."
788
00:56:10,160 --> 00:56:14,830
That's more interesting. Shit like that
doesn't happen to me in real life.
789
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:19,370
I've never said to Scott Mosier,
"We should fuck my girlfriend."
790
00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:26,480
He's like, "We have budget problems."
"I know, let's fuck my girlfriend."
791
00:56:27,610 --> 00:56:31,100
He's like, "I don't know
if it'll help, but okay."
792
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:34,910
You tend to exaggerate,
but you start with a kernel of truth.
793
00:56:35,090 --> 00:56:37,110
Like, Chasing Amy...
I was very much like Holden.
794
00:56:37,290 --> 00:56:41,250
I was insecure about girlfriends'
pasts when I wrote that.
795
00:56:41,430 --> 00:56:46,130
And now I'm beyond... I'm 31.
Now I'm insecure about the grave.
796
00:56:46,300 --> 00:56:50,360
I don't care who fucked who.
I just don't wanna die.
797
00:56:51,800 --> 00:56:52,570
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
798
00:56:52,570 --> 00:56:53,370
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
799
00:56:53,540 --> 00:56:58,600
Comedy in general, and especially
your kind of witty satire, often...
800
00:56:58,780 --> 00:57:01,580
I'm sorry.
Often stems from some sort...
801
00:57:01,750 --> 00:57:06,710
I've never heard it described like
that: "Your kind of witty satire."
802
00:57:06,920 --> 00:57:10,180
"Your bullshit." Go ahead.
803
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:14,490
Comedy seems to me like it stems
from a level of frustration in life.
804
00:57:14,660 --> 00:57:18,960
Is that true for you? Is there
a specific area of your life...
805
00:57:19,130 --> 00:57:23,430
...where you were frustrated
as a child or when you were younger?
806
00:57:24,670 --> 00:57:28,230
You talk about, "This is for the girls
who said my dick was small."
807
00:57:28,410 --> 00:57:31,380
Is there some area of life that
was particularly frustrating...?
808
00:57:31,540 --> 00:57:33,840
Take a fucking guess, dude.
809
00:57:36,710 --> 00:57:42,240
I don't... I think... Here, I can
answer it. I'll put my spin on it.
810
00:57:42,450 --> 00:57:46,220
I think I do what I do
because I grew up fat.
811
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:50,890
The room came down. Don't get
all serious. It's fucking true.
812
00:57:51,060 --> 00:57:55,970
It's not like a life-threatening
afflic... It is, but it's not.
813
00:57:56,130 --> 00:58:00,940
Because I grew up a heavy kid,
it tended to make me want to be funny.
814
00:58:01,110 --> 00:58:04,010
If you can't get over
with your looks...
815
00:58:04,180 --> 00:58:07,510
You don't know what I mean.
You're a good-looking man.
816
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:12,480
- That's the first time I've heard that.
- What are you doing after the show?
817
00:58:15,290 --> 00:58:17,580
I'm not just talking about girls.
818
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:20,950
People hang out
with a certain aesthetic type...
819
00:58:21,130 --> 00:58:25,190
...people that look "normal." When you
don't look "normal," you're castigated.
820
00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:28,260
Kind of like,
"Well, that kid's fat. Yipes!"
821
00:58:28,430 --> 00:58:33,700
If you have something else going for
you, they overlook your physical flaws.
822
00:58:33,870 --> 00:58:39,070
That's my theory, what I've found in life.
So... From you fucking thin people.
823
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:42,440
It came from there.
My comedy comes from that.
824
00:58:42,610 --> 00:58:43,840
Thank you.
825
00:58:44,020 --> 00:58:47,310
Thanks for bringing up really
painful fucking memories.
826
00:58:51,260 --> 00:58:55,990
I like how the room got. They're like,
"Holy shit! He's about to cry."
827
00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:57,550
Go ahead.
828
00:58:58,160 --> 00:59:01,190
What do your parents feel
about your films?
829
00:59:01,370 --> 00:59:05,270
My parents... My mother,
when she saw Clerks...
830
00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:07,800
...when I sat her down to watch it...
831
00:59:08,010 --> 00:59:13,240
...she turned to me and goes, "You spent
$27,000 on that piece of garbage?"
832
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:17,610
I was like, "Thanks, Mom.
That's real Carol Brady of you."
833
00:59:17,780 --> 00:59:22,050
Then she grew to like the movies.
She didn't care for Mallrats either...
834
00:59:22,220 --> 00:59:27,320
...but Chasing Amy she really loved
and connected to for some reason.
835
00:59:27,490 --> 00:59:29,120
I know.
836
00:59:29,290 --> 00:59:33,960
I'm watching the movie with her,
and she's laughing at blowjob jokes.
837
00:59:34,170 --> 00:59:39,830
Like, her and my old man are chuckling
at blowjob jokes, and I'm just like:
838
00:59:40,170 --> 00:59:42,870
"Oh, God. She's giving him head."
839
00:59:43,070 --> 00:59:47,240
She cried at the end of the movie.
I was really moved by that.
840
00:59:47,410 --> 00:59:50,810
I was like, "Oh, my God,
you really got into it."
841
00:59:50,980 --> 00:59:56,720
She was like, "I identify with that
movie in ways you'll never understand."
842
00:59:57,090 --> 00:59:58,850
And I was like:
843
01:00:00,530 --> 01:00:04,790
They've caught on. She liked Dogma
because she's a lifelong Catholic...
844
01:00:04,960 --> 01:00:07,800
...and it addressed many
issues that she has as well...
845
01:00:07,970 --> 01:00:11,420
...but would never voice
for fear of going to hell.
846
01:00:11,600 --> 01:00:14,700
Which, she maintains,
is where I'm going.
847
01:00:14,870 --> 01:00:18,330
And Jay and Bob
she thought was really cute.
848
01:00:18,510 --> 01:00:22,910
That's what she says. She's like,
"It was cute. You guys ran around a lot.
849
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:27,250
Was it tough to run around like that
in that long coat?"
850
01:00:27,420 --> 01:00:33,820
I felt like I was at a fucking college
q and a, the caliber of that question.
851
01:00:36,590 --> 01:00:39,760
That wasn't directed at everybody.
852
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:46,100
I'm Jenny Sheibley.
First of all, I really liked Dogma.
853
01:00:46,270 --> 01:00:48,630
- Thank you.
- And I was wondering...
854
01:00:48,800 --> 01:00:50,530
It's two parts, okay?
855
01:00:50,710 --> 01:00:52,730
- A: Do you believe in God?
- Yes.
856
01:00:52,910 --> 01:00:56,210
- And B: Why or why not? So why?
- Yes.
857
01:00:57,180 --> 01:01:00,980
Yes, I believe in God. Why?
Because I have a career.
858
01:01:01,150 --> 01:01:02,580
Okay.
859
01:01:05,890 --> 01:01:09,790
There can be no better proof
for the existence of God...
860
01:01:09,960 --> 01:01:13,590
...than the fact that I have
a film career. I think so.
861
01:01:13,760 --> 01:01:16,430
- Okay. Thank you.
- All right. Thanks.
862
01:01:18,200 --> 01:01:20,860
- My name is...
- There's no camera on you.
863
01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:22,530
Well, that's okay.
864
01:01:22,940 --> 01:01:27,100
Somebody is sending you
a very clear message, sir.
865
01:01:32,110 --> 01:01:34,140
- Go ahead.
- I'm David Klesh.
866
01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:39,050
Could you talk about the effect of your
Catholic upbringing in your movies?
867
01:01:39,260 --> 01:01:40,850
Specifically Dogma.
868
01:01:41,020 --> 01:01:45,390
I would imagine that watching Dogma,
that would be very clear.
869
01:01:53,540 --> 01:01:56,770
But since you asked,
I grew up very Catholic.
870
01:01:56,970 --> 01:01:59,570
I went to eight years
of Catholic school.
871
01:01:59,780 --> 01:02:02,440
I really dug the faith
when I was a kid.
872
01:02:02,610 --> 01:02:07,910
Then as I got older, started struggling
with it, as most people do...
873
01:02:08,080 --> 01:02:10,680
...and was just like, "Wait a second.
874
01:02:10,850 --> 01:02:15,790
I appreciate the message and who
Christ was and what Christ did...
875
01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:19,390
...but I'm not really
into the dogma."
876
01:02:19,600 --> 01:02:23,090
I.e., I want to fuck
before I get married.
877
01:02:27,140 --> 01:02:29,900
But no, it stretched beyond that.
878
01:02:30,070 --> 01:02:34,770
I think by the time I started really
questioning, I was about 18, 19.
879
01:02:34,980 --> 01:02:38,380
And I started wondering,
like, "Wait a second...
880
01:02:38,550 --> 01:02:42,180
...we hold the book, the Bible,
to be the word of God."
881
01:02:42,350 --> 01:02:45,120
And meanwhile,
many, many years ago...
882
01:02:45,290 --> 01:02:50,090
...Grecians and Egyptians held
their books to be the word of gods.
883
01:02:50,260 --> 01:02:54,360
Now we read their shit as literature
and chuckle at silly stories.
884
01:02:54,530 --> 01:02:57,520
Will someone one day
read our books and chuckle?
885
01:02:57,700 --> 01:03:01,300
If so, then is there a God?
Did we just create God?
886
01:03:01,470 --> 01:03:06,000
Did somebody create God so that
I would quit asking questions?
887
01:03:06,180 --> 01:03:09,300
I went through
a real crisis of faith...
888
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:13,310
...and worked through it years later
by writing Dogma.
889
01:03:13,480 --> 01:03:16,080
The idea came from a crisis of faith.
890
01:03:16,250 --> 01:03:21,620
By the end of the first draft, I knew
exactly where I stood on religion.
891
01:03:21,790 --> 01:03:25,690
I believe in faith, in God,
in Christ. I'm a Christian.
892
01:03:25,860 --> 01:03:30,260
I'm a spiritual person, but religion
gets many people in trouble.
893
01:03:29,680 --> 01:03:31,910
Making that movie was fine.
894
01:03:32,080 --> 01:03:35,180
But when we were getting ready
to put it out...
895
01:03:35,350 --> 01:03:38,290
...it was fucking nuts.
We got death threats.
896
01:03:38,490 --> 01:03:44,050
We had 300,000 pieces of hate mail
and three death threats.
897
01:03:44,230 --> 01:03:47,290
Or two. Two-and-a-half death threats.
898
01:03:47,460 --> 01:03:50,430
Because I think one recanted
toward the end.
899
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:53,800
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Well, maybe not."
900
01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:59,910
There was one that I'll never forget
and will take it with me to my grave.
901
01:04:00,080 --> 01:04:04,310
Not the actual missive, but what
it said. I've read it so many times...
902
01:04:04,480 --> 01:04:09,110
I've read it to people so many times
that I committed it to memory:
903
01:04:09,290 --> 01:04:14,450
"You Jews better take the money you
stole from us and buy flak jackets...
904
01:04:14,620 --> 01:04:19,990
...because we're coming in there with
shotguns. Your brothers in Christ... "
905
01:04:20,830 --> 01:04:24,290
The Jews in question were
Harvey and Bob Weinstein...
906
01:04:24,470 --> 01:04:29,130
...who run Miramax and Dimension,
who were originally releasing the flick.
907
01:04:29,310 --> 01:04:32,740
They got it the worst. I was Catholic,
so people would just be like...
908
01:04:32,910 --> 01:04:36,780
..."You ought to know better.
But your Jew buddies will pay."
909
01:04:36,950 --> 01:04:40,410
You don't want to point out
that Christ was Jewish...
910
01:04:40,580 --> 01:04:43,680
...because these people tend
to forget that.
911
01:04:43,850 --> 01:04:46,380
"Jewish? No, he's a Wasp."
912
01:04:55,570 --> 01:04:57,000
But it was insane.
913
01:04:57,170 --> 01:05:01,930
We had to stop receiving mail at the
office. They had a service open it.
914
01:05:02,110 --> 01:05:04,800
We couldn't receive packages
for a year.
915
01:05:04,980 --> 01:05:08,540
When we went to Cannes,
they wanted to put up metal detectors.
916
01:05:08,710 --> 01:05:13,910
The Palais wouldn't let them,
so Miramax hired armed bodyguards.
917
01:05:14,080 --> 01:05:18,450
It was really a kooky time.
And the whole time I'm just like:
918
01:05:18,620 --> 01:05:24,720
"It's a movie with a fucking rubber
poop monster in it." You know?
919
01:05:29,590 --> 01:05:31,460
"Take it easy!"
920
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:36,090
But people judge it, of course,
without seeing it.
921
01:05:36,270 --> 01:05:40,760
Mostly the people who were attacking
the movie would never see it.
922
01:05:40,940 --> 01:05:42,400
They never bothered.
923
01:05:42,570 --> 01:05:45,300
If they had watched it,
they would've been like:
924
01:05:45,470 --> 01:05:49,600
"We'd be stupid to go after it
because it's not a threat.
925
01:05:49,780 --> 01:05:53,650
There is a rubber poop monster
up there on the screen.
926
01:05:53,820 --> 01:05:57,980
The kid was right."
But they didn't, so you know...
927
01:05:58,150 --> 01:06:03,520
We were the way for the group that
went after us, the Catholic League...
928
01:06:03,690 --> 01:06:08,560
...to go after Disney and Miramax,
who were the original distributors.
929
01:06:08,730 --> 01:06:11,560
They tend to go after Disney
quite a bit.
930
01:06:11,730 --> 01:06:14,970
If you go after Disney,
you get a lot of press.
931
01:06:15,140 --> 01:06:19,370
Particularly if you're charging Disney
with being anti-Catholic.
932
01:06:19,540 --> 01:06:24,380
The weird thing is when the Weinsteins
bought the movie from Miramax...
933
01:06:24,550 --> 01:06:28,280
...and resold it to Lions Gate,
the eventual distributors...
934
01:06:28,450 --> 01:06:32,180
...the Catholic League went away.
They made so much noise about, like:
935
01:06:32,350 --> 01:06:35,690
"We'll take this movie down.
It'll never be seen.
936
01:06:35,860 --> 01:06:40,730
It's a true affront to all Catholics.
God hates it. Blah, blah, blah."
937
01:06:40,900 --> 01:06:44,890
When Lions Gate picked it up,
they were like, "We won."
938
01:06:45,070 --> 01:06:48,200
We were like, "How?
The movie's still coming out."
939
01:06:48,370 --> 01:06:52,330
They were like, "Yeah,
but Disney's not distributing it."
940
01:06:54,940 --> 01:06:59,010
I was always very curious
about the protesters and whatnot.
941
01:06:59,180 --> 01:07:02,240
So when the movie came out,
I got involved.
942
01:07:02,450 --> 01:07:06,480
I read in the Asbury Park Press
that there was gonna be a protest...
943
01:07:06,660 --> 01:07:09,950
...at our theater in Eatontown,
the Sony multiplex.
944
01:07:10,130 --> 01:07:15,190
So I said, "Holy shit. I wanna go."
I read there was gonna be 1500 people.
945
01:07:15,360 --> 01:07:21,200
I said, "I'm bound to know some of them
because I went to church with them.
946
01:07:22,070 --> 01:07:24,870
My mom might be one of them."
947
01:07:25,110 --> 01:07:29,410
I wanna go, and I said to the wife,
"Let's go to the protest."
948
01:07:29,580 --> 01:07:34,680
She was like, "You're fucking nuts."
I said, "We should go. It'll be fun."
949
01:07:34,850 --> 01:07:36,550
She said, "I don't know."
950
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:40,920
I said, "We'll call Bryan. He'll go too."
My friend Bryan Johnson.
951
01:07:41,090 --> 01:07:44,290
I called him and said,
"You wanna go protest the movie?"
952
01:07:44,460 --> 01:07:47,760
He's like, "I've been dying
to do that for months."
953
01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:53,530
So Bryan came over, and we grabbed
some construction paper.
954
01:07:53,740 --> 01:07:56,070
Like, those big pieces.
955
01:07:56,240 --> 01:08:01,470
We got magic markers and glue
and sparklies, and we made signs.
956
01:08:01,710 --> 01:08:07,110
We're working on our signs really well
because we want to blend in.
957
01:08:07,320 --> 01:08:11,310
And one of them said,
"Dogma is Dogshit."
958
01:08:17,660 --> 01:08:20,690
The other one said,
"To Hell With Dogma. "
959
01:08:20,860 --> 01:08:23,700
Both of us were really
taking our time.
960
01:08:23,870 --> 01:08:26,960
Just, like, not going
outside the lines.
961
01:08:27,140 --> 01:08:30,160
"Is this done?"
"No, a little glitter."
962
01:08:30,370 --> 01:08:34,930
Really went all out.
And then drove over to the multiplex.
963
01:08:35,110 --> 01:08:38,410
So we get there,
and the 1500 is about 15, period.
964
01:08:38,580 --> 01:08:42,410
I see a smattering of people
at the head of the driveway...
965
01:08:42,580 --> 01:08:45,080
...very far from the theater.
966
01:08:45,290 --> 01:08:49,520
I'm like, "Wow, that looks weird.
They must be watching the protest."
967
01:08:49,690 --> 01:08:54,650
We pull up and that is the protest.
So we got out with our signs.
968
01:08:54,830 --> 01:08:59,530
Bryan and I are the youngest
people there by about 50 years.
969
01:09:00,100 --> 01:09:04,700
So it's a bunch of 65-year-old people,
maybe some 50-year-olds.
970
01:09:04,870 --> 01:09:09,810
They're all praying the rosary,
and they have a very large crucifix...
971
01:09:09,980 --> 01:09:14,540
...with our Lord, in his usual pose.
972
01:09:15,620 --> 01:09:19,140
They're all reciting the rosary,
which I know well...
973
01:09:19,320 --> 01:09:21,810
...because I went to Catholic school.
974
01:09:21,990 --> 01:09:24,650
Bryan didn't, so I said,
"Follow after me."
975
01:09:24,830 --> 01:09:28,890
I'm like, "Our father, who art
in heaven... " Bryan's like:
976
01:09:30,730 --> 01:09:32,630
"Lord...
977
01:09:33,340 --> 01:09:35,170
Jesus...
978
01:09:36,140 --> 01:09:37,130
Joseph..."
979
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,000
I'm like,
"He's not in the Our Father!"
980
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:44,610
We're holding our signs,
reciting the rosary...
981
01:09:44,780 --> 01:09:48,220
...and we notice that nobody
really has any signs.
982
01:09:48,380 --> 01:09:51,750
At least, none that are
nearly as nice as ours.
983
01:09:51,920 --> 01:09:57,650
There's a dude whose sign looks like
it was torn out of the bottom of a box.
984
01:09:57,830 --> 01:10:01,920
Like, just kind of cut out.
And it said, "Dogma is Bad."
985
01:10:02,230 --> 01:10:07,430
It looked like he wrote it in his car
with a pen from his glove compartment.
986
01:10:07,600 --> 01:10:10,470
No glue, no sparklies...
987
01:10:10,640 --> 01:10:15,510
...not a streamer in sight.
Really, just no effort whatsoever.
988
01:10:15,680 --> 01:10:18,410
He's standing next to me.
I have my sign.
989
01:10:18,580 --> 01:10:23,420
He's holding his sign, it's this big.
Mine is like a sandwich board.
990
01:10:23,590 --> 01:10:27,580
We're doing the Our Father.
I'm next to him. He's like:
991
01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:33,220
"Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom... "
992
01:10:34,800 --> 01:10:39,460
He put his sign down because he was so
embarrassed that mine was that great.
993
01:10:42,200 --> 01:10:47,940
And a lady who was about three or four
people over had seen our signs...
994
01:10:48,110 --> 01:10:52,840
...had looked when we were joining the
line or when we'd joined the line already.
995
01:10:53,020 --> 01:10:58,110
She came over and said, "You can't
have that here." I said, "Why?"
996
01:10:58,290 --> 01:11:01,720
She's like, "You can't say
that kind of thing here."
997
01:11:01,890 --> 01:11:05,520
She was pointing at
"Dogma is Dogshit."
998
01:11:05,690 --> 01:11:11,260
She's like, "You gotta get rid of that."
I'm like, "I wanna protest the movie."
999
01:11:16,710 --> 01:11:21,230
She's like, "We don't need that kind of
help. We don't wanna say those things."
1000
01:11:21,410 --> 01:11:23,970
I was like,
"But it's true. The movie is."
1001
01:11:24,150 --> 01:11:28,710
She said, "Just take the word off.
Take that one offensive word off."
1002
01:11:28,880 --> 01:11:32,680
And I said, "But then it just says
'Dogma is Dog."'
1003
01:11:32,860 --> 01:11:36,620
She said, "Just take off the two letters."
I said, "All right."
1004
01:11:36,790 --> 01:11:40,750
And I bend it up. And so now it says,
"Dogma is Dogsh."
1005
01:11:41,430 --> 01:11:45,830
She goes back to her place.
About 15 minutes into the fourth...
1006
01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:51,600
We're into the fourth decate.
A news van pulls up.
1007
01:11:54,110 --> 01:11:59,270
I'm not lying. News van pulls up.
Channel 12 News, local in our area.
1008
01:11:59,450 --> 01:12:02,440
So I'm standing there,
and I'm looking at them.
1009
01:12:02,620 --> 01:12:05,490
I'm thinking,
"This'll be interesting."
1010
01:12:06,320 --> 01:12:11,760
I think about bolting. I was like, "These
people don't know, they'll never know."
1011
01:12:11,930 --> 01:12:17,490
A lady gets out, journalist,
well-dressed, and she has a clipboard.
1012
01:12:17,670 --> 01:12:21,600
All of a sudden, she kind of looks
in my general direction.
1013
01:12:21,770 --> 01:12:27,370
She goes back to looking around, then
comes back and looks at her clipboard.
1014
01:12:40,220 --> 01:12:44,630
So she comes over.
And Bryan's like, "Holy shit."
1015
01:12:46,190 --> 01:12:50,560
She comes over. She's looking
at her clipboard and looking at me.
1016
01:12:50,730 --> 01:12:55,400
And she's like, "Are you him?"
1017
01:12:55,570 --> 01:12:58,730
And I was like, "No, that's him."
1018
01:13:09,220 --> 01:13:12,880
You know, because our Lord
was there. And she goes:
1019
01:13:13,060 --> 01:13:15,420
"No, are you him? Are you the guy?"
1020
01:13:15,590 --> 01:13:19,420
I said, "No, no.
But I get that all the time."
1021
01:13:20,360 --> 01:13:24,960
She was like, "Would you mind if I
interviewed you?" I said, "Please."
1022
01:13:26,130 --> 01:13:31,070
Because I'm a press whore.
So even, you know, if I'm incognito...
1023
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:37,010
...l'm happy to give an interview.
So she calls the camera guy over.
1024
01:13:37,180 --> 01:13:42,240
He starts shooting, and she's like,
"So, what are you doing here tonight?"
1025
01:13:42,420 --> 01:13:45,050
I said, "We're protesting this movie."
1026
01:13:45,590 --> 01:13:51,650
She said, "Okay. Have you seen it?"
And I said, "No, no."
1027
01:13:52,290 --> 01:13:55,390
You know, because I wanted
to be in character.
1028
01:13:56,160 --> 01:13:59,220
I said, "No, but they tell me
it's really bad."
1029
01:13:59,400 --> 01:14:04,530
She's like, "Right. Have you seen
anything else made by the filmmaker?"
1030
01:14:04,710 --> 01:14:10,470
I said, "No, no. Well, I saw Clerks.
That was really funny.
1031
01:14:17,950 --> 01:14:23,050
But I'm not gonna watch anything else.
I'm certainly not gonna watch this."
1032
01:14:23,230 --> 01:14:28,360
And she's like, "What's your name?"
And I was like, "Bryan Johnson."
1033
01:14:29,360 --> 01:14:32,630
You know, and Bryan's like,
"Oh, shit."
1034
01:14:33,170 --> 01:14:36,140
And she goes, "Do you have ID?"
1035
01:14:36,300 --> 01:14:40,870
And I said, "Yeah."
And she's like, "Can I see it?"
1036
01:14:41,040 --> 01:14:45,210
I was like, "It's in my wallet,
and I didn't bring my wallet."
1037
01:14:45,380 --> 01:14:49,440
She's like, "Why not?"
I was like, "Well, look at these people."
1038
01:14:54,520 --> 01:14:59,050
So she took off, and she's
shooting the rest of the line.
1039
01:14:59,230 --> 01:15:02,750
She's still shooting me
and whispering to the camera guy.
1040
01:15:02,930 --> 01:15:05,800
Johnson's like,
"We should really go now."
1041
01:15:05,970 --> 01:15:10,870
Finally, they took off. Then that
night, on the Channel 12 News...
1042
01:15:11,040 --> 01:15:14,200
...sure enough, "Bryan Johnson"...
1043
01:15:17,950 --> 01:15:21,400
...was talking about
how bad Dogma was.
1044
01:15:21,580 --> 01:15:27,020
My mother called and was like, "There's
somebody on TV looks just like you."
1045
01:15:36,570 --> 01:15:41,760
I'm sorry. That was a very long answer,
has nothing to do with your question.
1046
01:15:41,940 --> 01:15:45,630
I'm working from preprogrammed bits.
1047
01:15:47,210 --> 01:15:48,730
I'm Raquel Rhinestein.
1048
01:15:48,910 --> 01:15:54,470
My question is: Are you ever thinking
of making a science fiction film?
1049
01:15:54,650 --> 01:15:57,780
A science fiction movie.
I don't know.
1050
01:15:57,950 --> 01:16:01,860
I think I have made one already:
Chasing Amy.
1051
01:16:05,590 --> 01:16:09,790
Because you go ask any lesbian,
that'll never happen.
1052
01:16:13,670 --> 01:16:19,440
Even if, and probably especially because,
the dude is Ben fucking Affleck.
1053
01:16:19,610 --> 01:16:23,570
There is a sci-fi idea in me,
I'm just nowhere near doing it yet.
1054
01:16:23,750 --> 01:16:26,270
So I don't...
Somewhere down the road.
1055
01:16:26,780 --> 01:16:29,440
- Say your name.
- My name's Lela.
1056
01:16:29,620 --> 01:16:30,810
Lela. L-E-L-A.
1057
01:16:30,990 --> 01:16:34,050
- All right.
- Well, do you...? No, that's okay.
1058
01:16:34,220 --> 01:16:39,820
When you said the thing about Chasing
Amy and no self-respecting lesbian...
1059
01:16:40,000 --> 01:16:44,630
It's ironic that Adrienne Rich, an
amazing poet who wrote "The Last..."
1060
01:16:44,800 --> 01:16:47,060
Are you coming out?
1061
01:16:50,010 --> 01:16:54,170
- They all know me. I'm... Anyway...
- Are you out?
1062
01:16:54,340 --> 01:16:56,710
Yeah.
1063
01:17:08,260 --> 01:17:11,750
Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
1064
01:17:13,230 --> 01:17:17,760
This is college. You all act like
you've never seen a lesbian before.
1065
01:17:18,070 --> 01:17:22,030
- So the Chasing Amy question was...?
- I'll rephrase it, given what's happened.
1066
01:17:22,200 --> 01:17:28,110
I disliked Chasing Amy, even though
I loved Clerks and your movies a lot.
1067
01:17:28,280 --> 01:17:30,740
I think you're done. Next!
1068
01:17:31,980 --> 01:17:36,180
I did feel like it made the point
that all a lesbian needs...
1069
01:17:36,350 --> 01:17:39,580
...is a good deep-dicking.
- Did you? It's an excellent point!
1070
01:17:41,260 --> 01:17:44,020
- No. No. No. No.
- Do you...?
1071
01:17:44,190 --> 01:17:46,960
I'm not saying that is
an excellent point.
1072
01:17:47,130 --> 01:17:51,570
It's an excellent point you're bringing up.
I've heard this one. Can I...?
1073
01:17:51,730 --> 01:17:54,130
I let you go on for, like, two hours.
1074
01:17:54,300 --> 01:17:57,600
It is like The Kevin Smith Show.
1075
01:17:58,010 --> 01:18:03,070
My feelings on that have been the same
since 1996 when I wrote it...
1076
01:18:03,250 --> 01:18:07,010
...all the way up to this very moment
when you said that.
1077
01:18:07,180 --> 01:18:09,980
I don't see how someone
can say, like:
1078
01:18:10,150 --> 01:18:15,210
"The film strengthens the point that
all any lesbian needs is one good man."
1079
01:18:15,390 --> 01:18:17,860
- Is that what you were saying?
- Sort of.
1080
01:18:18,030 --> 01:18:23,120
Okay, but we have the idiot character
in the movie, Banky, say that...
1081
01:18:23,300 --> 01:18:26,170
...hence deflating the argument.
1082
01:18:26,330 --> 01:18:30,830
We put those words into the guy
who's always wrong in the movie.
1083
01:18:31,010 --> 01:18:35,710
When the idiot says that, didn't you
get that that's what I was saying?
1084
01:18:35,880 --> 01:18:39,900
I got that point, but do you find it
weird that you speak to audiences...
1085
01:18:40,080 --> 01:18:44,480
...who feel comfortable yelling "Show us
your tits!" to a woman in the crowd...?
1086
01:18:44,650 --> 01:18:46,310
Very, very uncomfortable.
1087
01:18:46,490 --> 01:18:51,120
It wasn't maybe your fault, but I think
that movie put that out there.
1088
01:18:51,290 --> 01:18:55,290
Stop it. Stop it. This is political.
Very uncomfortable.
1089
01:18:55,460 --> 01:19:00,090
- That has nothing to do with this.
- Well, I think it does.
1090
01:19:00,270 --> 01:19:04,600
When I first saw the movie,
I thought it was dumb but harmless.
1091
01:19:04,770 --> 01:19:07,330
But when I... But I saw that the...
1092
01:19:08,540 --> 01:19:11,240
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Come on, come on!
1093
01:19:11,410 --> 01:19:14,380
This is excellent.
Excellent, candid point.
1094
01:19:14,550 --> 01:19:17,520
I'm pissed we didn't know you
when we were making it.
1095
01:19:17,690 --> 01:19:22,060
That would've been excellent
for the tag line: "Dumb but harmless.
1096
01:19:27,360 --> 01:19:30,960
Some bi-curious girl from college."
That would've been cool.
1097
01:19:31,130 --> 01:19:34,590
- Finish your point.
- 'Cause all I need is a deep-dicking?
1098
01:19:34,770 --> 01:19:36,960
- Pardon?
- Nothing.
1099
01:19:39,040 --> 01:19:43,770
I think... Obviously you can't control
the way people take the movie.
1100
01:19:43,950 --> 01:19:50,350
But it was frustrating to be a lesbian
at that point when that film came out.
1101
01:19:50,550 --> 01:19:52,950
- How old are you?
- I'm 22.
1102
01:19:53,120 --> 01:19:56,150
You were...
So that's going back four years?
1103
01:19:56,320 --> 01:19:59,320
So I was 18. Did you know you were
straight when you were 18?
1104
01:19:59,490 --> 01:20:00,550
No.
1105
01:20:01,660 --> 01:20:03,560
Ma'am, I'm still not sure.
1106
01:20:08,600 --> 01:20:12,840
And I've got a wife and child.
How irresponsible is that?
1107
01:20:14,010 --> 01:20:17,740
All I can do is make movies
the way I wanna make them...
1108
01:20:17,910 --> 01:20:21,400
...the way I wanna see them,
as entertaining as possible.
1109
01:20:21,580 --> 01:20:25,750
If I can whip a message in there,
that's more than most cats do.
1110
01:20:25,920 --> 01:20:30,950
And I feel good. I can sleep
with myself, and a man or a woman...
1111
01:20:31,130 --> 01:20:34,690
...at night because of that.
The movies we've made...
1112
01:20:34,860 --> 01:20:38,770
...there's always been gay content
in there, would you agree?
1113
01:20:38,930 --> 01:20:41,300
You think it's dumb but harmless.
1114
01:20:41,470 --> 01:20:46,500
Some people think it's a breakthrough
that really enabled them to come out.
1115
01:20:46,670 --> 01:20:50,080
Large portions of the gay community
love what we do.
1116
01:20:50,250 --> 01:20:54,410
A very small pocket is like,
"He's a closet fag-hater"...
1117
01:20:54,580 --> 01:20:58,610
...not knowing the amount of cock
that I chug myself.
1118
01:21:03,960 --> 01:21:07,690
But that's none
of their fucking business.
1119
01:21:07,860 --> 01:21:12,700
I've always thrown that in there because
I always felt, from Clerks forward...
1120
01:21:12,870 --> 01:21:16,060
Even before I knew we were gonna
have an audience.
1121
01:21:16,240 --> 01:21:19,100
When I was writing Clerks...
I have a brother. My brother's gay.
1122
01:21:19,270 --> 01:21:22,900
I just outed him to everyone
at Cornell. He's very out.
1123
01:21:23,080 --> 01:21:27,840
My brother and I had a discussion
when he first came out about movies...
1124
01:21:28,020 --> 01:21:32,580
...and how weird it is to go to
predominately 99.9999% hetero movies...
1125
01:21:32,750 --> 01:21:36,280
...and watch the guy and girl
live happily ever after...
1126
01:21:36,460 --> 01:21:39,430
...never see himself represented
on the screen...
1127
01:21:39,590 --> 01:21:43,290
...unless it's a very swishy
stereotype, i. E. The Birdcage.
1128
01:21:43,470 --> 01:21:47,200
Or an ice pick killer.
I thought, "That's pretty shitty.
1129
01:21:47,370 --> 01:21:52,240
He can't get into a flick on any level
because he doesn't feel represented."
1130
01:21:52,410 --> 01:21:55,100
So I said, "I'm gonna throw a little
gay content in the flicks...
1131
01:21:55,280 --> 01:21:58,070
...so my brother will know
it was in there for him."
1132
01:21:58,250 --> 01:22:00,010
Because, why the fuck not?
1133
01:22:00,180 --> 01:22:03,210
When I found out we had
an audience, I said:
1134
01:22:03,380 --> 01:22:06,720
"Fuck it. I'm throwing
lots of gay content in."
1135
01:22:06,890 --> 01:22:10,850
Because they're sitting there...
And yes, they are predominately young.
1136
01:22:11,030 --> 01:22:16,730
And I do have fans that are like,
"Great movies, man! Wanna get high?"
1137
01:22:16,900 --> 01:22:20,800
I also do have some fans,
nobody in this room, mind you...
1138
01:22:20,970 --> 01:22:23,960
...that are like,
"Love those movies, man.
1139
01:22:24,140 --> 01:22:27,840
But why is there so much
gay stuff in them? Gay's bad."
1140
01:22:28,010 --> 01:22:33,240
I always try to fuck with their heads.
Case in point was Chasing Amy.
1141
01:22:33,410 --> 01:22:36,410
We make Chasing Amy and have
our first test-screening.
1142
01:22:36,580 --> 01:22:40,920
They keep 10 people around to do a
focus group. Ever been to a focus group?
1143
01:22:41,090 --> 01:22:43,560
They keep 10 people
and ask them questions.
1144
01:22:43,730 --> 01:22:46,850
From 200, they keep 10 around
and ask them questions:
1145
01:22:47,030 --> 01:22:51,090
"What did or didn't you like
about the movie? Tell us why."
1146
01:22:51,270 --> 01:22:56,140
They give that data to the filmmaker,
and they're like, "Do it better!"
1147
01:22:56,300 --> 01:23:01,110
Horrible fucking process. But it's
interesting to hear what people say.
1148
01:23:01,280 --> 01:23:04,610
So they talked to one cat
in the audience. He's like...
1149
01:23:04,780 --> 01:23:07,370
I won't forget this guy.
1150
01:23:07,550 --> 01:23:11,320
He's like, "I like Kevin Smith's movies.
I am a Kevin Smith character.
1151
01:23:11,490 --> 01:23:14,150
I am Brodie.
I love the mall and comics.
1152
01:23:14,320 --> 01:23:17,120
And I wouldn't fuck
Shannen Doherty either."
1153
01:23:17,930 --> 01:23:21,660
If you saw this motherfucker,
he wouldn't have a chance.
1154
01:23:21,830 --> 01:23:26,390
I'm in the back, 'cause you can't reveal
yourself or that'll skew the data.
1155
01:23:26,570 --> 01:23:29,060
I'm sitting there, chuckling and
listening, and he's like:
1156
01:23:29,240 --> 01:23:33,400
"I identify with the Banky character
because it's Jason Lee again.
1157
01:23:33,580 --> 01:23:37,030
I dig him, I'm with him, and suddenly,
boom, the dude's gay.
1158
01:23:37,210 --> 01:23:39,480
What the fuck's that say about me?"
1159
01:23:41,720 --> 01:23:47,210
From the back, below my chair, I was
like, "It means you're fucking gay!"
1160
01:23:50,430 --> 01:23:55,490
And the point of the story,
that man is Elton John.
1161
01:23:58,970 --> 01:24:02,530
The point is that cat...
Of course, I didn't follow him.
1162
01:24:02,700 --> 01:24:07,270
I didn't tag him like a shark and
follow him for the rest of his life.
1163
01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:10,540
But the dude had to make
a decision right there.
1164
01:24:10,710 --> 01:24:14,840
He either continues being a fan of
our stuff or continues being like:
1165
01:24:15,020 --> 01:24:19,390
"Fucking gays scare me. Any dick
that's not mine terrifies me."
1166
01:24:19,550 --> 01:24:21,950
Chances are the dude stuck around.
1167
01:24:22,120 --> 01:24:25,090
Because we've sold a shitload
of merchandise at our website.
1168
01:24:25,260 --> 01:24:26,990
He's gotta be one of them.
1169
01:24:27,160 --> 01:24:31,560
I always like to think of it as, like,
I've got them sitting there...
1170
01:24:31,730 --> 01:24:33,600
...give them a message, a moral...
1171
01:24:33,770 --> 01:24:37,300
...my view of the world.
That's what good filmmakers do.
1172
01:24:37,470 --> 01:24:40,570
You can't change or cure the world.
You can say:
1173
01:24:40,740 --> 01:24:44,140
"This is it through my eyes.
Do you agree or not?"
1174
01:24:44,310 --> 01:24:48,010
And a lot of people seem to agree.
Not a lot, you know.
1175
01:24:48,180 --> 01:24:54,020
We've got fans, so they're smart. We'll
lead the world into the 21 st century.
1176
01:24:54,190 --> 01:24:57,420
And I'll make a profit on their backs.
1177
01:25:01,460 --> 01:25:05,260
You can't be responsible
for your audience to some degree.
1178
01:25:05,430 --> 01:25:09,560
Hopefully they get it. If they don't,
you can't hammer it at them.
1179
01:25:09,740 --> 01:25:13,610
That's when the movie stops being
entertaining. You're being didactic.
1180
01:25:13,780 --> 01:25:16,210
You're just like,
"This is this, that is that."
1181
01:25:16,380 --> 01:25:19,810
Dogma runs very dangerously close
to being a didactic movie.
1182
01:25:19,980 --> 01:25:25,180
But thankfully, every once in a while,
Mewes makes an ass-fucking joke.
1183
01:25:25,350 --> 01:25:27,650
People forget we're talking about
Jesus for a little while.
1184
01:25:27,820 --> 01:25:30,880
So it's a dangerous line,
but give me credit.
1185
01:25:31,060 --> 01:25:36,000
I have done flicks where they're
far more gay-friendly than most. Yeah?
1186
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:37,460
Yeah.
1187
01:25:37,630 --> 01:25:38,930
Thanks.
1188
01:25:46,270 --> 01:25:47,900
Don't. Please, stop.
1189
01:25:51,850 --> 01:25:57,280
Lela's the smartest one here, because
now everyone knows that she's gay.
1190
01:25:57,450 --> 01:26:01,010
So she can easily get a date
at the end of this thing.
1191
01:26:01,460 --> 01:26:05,320
People are like,
"You're that gay chick. I'm gay too."
1192
01:26:05,490 --> 01:26:08,990
What are you doing after the show...?
Wait, never mind.
1193
01:26:09,160 --> 01:26:12,530
See, you can't hold me
responsible for that.
1194
01:26:14,000 --> 01:26:15,160
Rock on.
1195
01:26:17,670 --> 01:26:21,440
That's a tough balancing act.
Tough balancing act.
1196
01:26:21,610 --> 01:26:24,170
Don't like him, need his money.
1197
01:26:30,080 --> 01:26:35,110
Just kidding. All right, enough being
political, let's do some dick jokes.
1198
01:26:35,290 --> 01:26:37,310
Who's next? This side.
1199
01:26:37,490 --> 01:26:40,360
- Okay, my name is Grayden Blue.
- Again?
1200
01:26:40,530 --> 01:26:42,890
- Grayden Blue.
- Grayden. All right.
1201
01:26:43,060 --> 01:26:48,200
Thank you. I'm starting production
on my own movie very soon...
1202
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:53,930
...and I was wondering if you had
any advice or money for me.
1203
01:26:56,810 --> 01:26:57,800
No.
1204
01:26:59,810 --> 01:27:01,810
Chap Stick.
1205
01:27:02,280 --> 01:27:06,410
Do you have any advice on how
to get money, funding for a film?
1206
01:27:06,590 --> 01:27:08,820
Yeah. Head works a lot.
1207
01:27:17,970 --> 01:27:20,260
If you don't wanna give head...
1208
01:27:20,430 --> 01:27:25,000
Well, I was hoping to not have to do
that if there are easier ways.
1209
01:27:25,870 --> 01:27:29,970
If you're very conservative
like yourself...
1210
01:27:30,140 --> 01:27:34,510
...credit cards work very well.
You can get a bunch of credit cards.
1211
01:27:34,680 --> 01:27:37,150
- I thought about that.
- Do you have any?
1212
01:27:37,320 --> 01:27:38,950
I've got one.
It's maxed out already.
1213
01:27:39,120 --> 01:27:41,110
- Which is it?
- It's a MasterCard.
1214
01:27:41,290 --> 01:27:42,450
- Is it yours or parents'?
- Mine.
1215
01:27:42,620 --> 01:27:46,390
- Is it? So you can build on that.
- Yeah.
1216
01:27:46,890 --> 01:27:50,130
- Do you have a job?
- Not at the moment.
1217
01:27:50,830 --> 01:27:53,390
Here's what you do:
Find a video store...
1218
01:27:53,570 --> 01:27:55,800
...like, a mom-and-pop store,
not a chain.
1219
01:27:55,970 --> 01:27:59,840
- You don't wanna work at a Blockbuster.
- Dear God, no.
1220
01:28:00,340 --> 01:28:02,780
Some of these people
do want to work there.
1221
01:28:02,940 --> 01:28:05,540
Make sure you work the desk
so that you answer the phone.
1222
01:28:05,710 --> 01:28:09,710
Get a bunch of credit card
applications. Fill them all out.
1223
01:28:09,880 --> 01:28:14,450
Say that you're the manager of the
store and you make $50,000 a year.
1224
01:28:14,620 --> 01:28:19,530
Then, when they call in to check,
say, "Yes, he works here...
1225
01:28:19,690 --> 01:28:23,760
...he is the manager,
and he makes $50,000 a year."
1226
01:28:23,930 --> 01:28:27,420
They start sending you credit cards.
That's how I got all mine.
1227
01:28:27,600 --> 01:28:30,370
I'd answer the phone
at RST Video and be like:
1228
01:28:30,540 --> 01:28:34,600
"Kevin Smith is an excellent manager.
Makes $50,000 a year.
1229
01:28:34,780 --> 01:28:38,730
The highest-paid manager
in the video business."
1230
01:28:38,910 --> 01:28:41,540
Credit cards are
the best scam on earth.
1231
01:28:41,720 --> 01:28:45,080
Get a bunch of credit cards.
That's my advice.
1232
01:28:45,250 --> 01:28:47,080
- Cool. Thank you.
- All right.
1233
01:28:47,960 --> 01:28:51,790
You're so polite. You're gonna applaud
for everybody that asks a question?
1234
01:28:51,960 --> 01:28:56,790
Just like, "It was a good question.
Terrible answer, good question."
1235
01:28:56,960 --> 01:29:00,700
For Clerks, you maxed out
your cards and borrowed money.
1236
01:29:00,870 --> 01:29:05,130
That's a big leap. What kept you
going while you were making the film?
1237
01:29:05,310 --> 01:29:10,970
It just seemed, like, to make sense
at the time. Like, I was a kid...
1238
01:29:15,450 --> 01:29:16,510
Sorry.
1239
01:29:18,190 --> 01:29:21,350
I was trying to give him
something from my heart...
1240
01:29:21,520 --> 01:29:23,680
...and you're sitting there like:
1241
01:29:31,900 --> 01:29:35,200
- Are you done?
- I'm done. I'm...
1242
01:29:35,370 --> 01:29:40,030
It just felt like it was
the time to do it. I was young.
1243
01:29:40,210 --> 01:29:41,830
I was 22, 23 at the time.
1244
01:29:42,010 --> 01:29:46,540
If you're gonna do something stupid
like charge a bunch of film stuff...
1245
01:29:46,710 --> 01:29:51,010
...on your credit cards,
then do it while you're kind of young.
1246
01:29:51,250 --> 01:29:53,310
- My name's Geek.
- What is it?
1247
01:29:53,490 --> 01:29:57,220
Geek. You said that sucking dick is
a great way to make money.
1248
01:29:57,390 --> 01:30:01,090
I wanted to know if I could
suck yours for, like, five bucks?
1249
01:30:02,160 --> 01:30:05,060
All right. Wait. Wait. Wait.
1250
01:30:05,670 --> 01:30:09,100
- Anyway...
- Wait. Wait. Wait. Whose five bucks?
1251
01:30:09,270 --> 01:30:12,140
Well, I wanna get paid,
because I'm broke now.
1252
01:30:12,310 --> 01:30:14,370
So you want me to pay you $5.00.
1253
01:30:14,540 --> 01:30:18,270
If you want me to pay you
to suck your dick, I might do it...
1254
01:30:18,450 --> 01:30:21,750
...just so I could say I sucked
Kevin Smith's dick.
1255
01:30:24,120 --> 01:30:25,610
- Anyway...
- Why...? Wait.
1256
01:30:25,790 --> 01:30:27,880
Why does everyone boo that?
1257
01:30:28,060 --> 01:30:32,010
- Sucking dick is a good thing.
- You guys are just jealous.
1258
01:30:32,190 --> 01:30:35,960
My real question is you were
supposed to make Clerks 2...
1259
01:30:36,130 --> 01:30:38,560
...before you made
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
1260
01:30:38,730 --> 01:30:42,230
Whatever happened to that script?
Could it be found in...?
1261
01:30:42,400 --> 01:30:46,860
I'm still wrapping my head around
the notion of you sucking my dick.
1262
01:30:48,110 --> 01:30:50,440
- And your name's Geek?
- My name's Geek.
1263
01:30:50,610 --> 01:30:52,700
G, double E, K, I think.
1264
01:30:52,880 --> 01:30:56,210
- Do you know the term's origin?
- No. Wanna explain it?
1265
01:30:56,380 --> 01:30:59,480
- A geek bites the heads off chickens.
- I could do that.
1266
01:30:59,650 --> 01:31:03,520
I would never let you suck my dick
with a name like Geek.
1267
01:31:09,460 --> 01:31:12,260
Now if your name was Ron...
1268
01:31:16,100 --> 01:31:18,830
Anyway, so what happened
to the script?
1269
01:31:19,140 --> 01:31:22,300
- With which script?
- Clerks.
1270
01:31:22,640 --> 01:31:24,800
What happened to
the script for Clerks 2?
1271
01:31:25,150 --> 01:31:28,910
Clerks 2. You can't get up there and
start talking about dick-sucking...
1272
01:31:29,080 --> 01:31:32,350
...then segue into a question.
- You opened yourself up for it.
1273
01:31:32,520 --> 01:31:34,950
- Pardon?
- You said that sucking dick...
1274
01:31:35,120 --> 01:31:38,460
...was a great way to make money.
I wanna make money.
1275
01:31:38,630 --> 01:31:44,090
- I didn't open myself up for anything.
- Sit the fuck down!
1276
01:31:46,300 --> 01:31:49,360
They're sending you a message, Geek.
1277
01:31:50,040 --> 01:31:53,600
Clerks 2 became
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
1278
01:31:56,410 --> 01:31:58,280
I got five bucks!
1279
01:32:08,620 --> 01:32:13,820
Another reason you'll never see my
name next to Scorsese, Woody Allen...
1280
01:32:13,990 --> 01:32:16,930
...and Spike Lee.
Scorsese speaks a lot at NYU...
1281
01:32:17,100 --> 01:32:22,060
...and I'm damn skippy nobody's ever
like, "I'll suck your dick for $5.00!"
1282
01:32:29,640 --> 01:32:33,340
Not during the lecture, anyway.
1283
01:32:33,510 --> 01:32:35,210
You. Your turn.
1284
01:32:35,380 --> 01:32:38,320
That's all right,
that kid stole my question.
1285
01:32:40,050 --> 01:32:41,540
That's good.
1286
01:32:43,320 --> 01:32:45,920
I was just curious...
1287
01:32:46,090 --> 01:32:50,190
...you've had run-ins with the Catholic
League and, most recently, GLAAD.
1288
01:32:50,360 --> 01:32:52,360
- I was curious...
- Isn't that weird?
1289
01:32:52,530 --> 01:32:56,830
I had my run-ins with GLAAD, yet
I considered letting him suck my dick.
1290
01:32:57,000 --> 01:32:59,940
Where's GLAAD now, you know?
1291
01:33:00,910 --> 01:33:06,280
I was curious, have you had...? Besides
the whole round with Michael Eisner...
1292
01:33:06,450 --> 01:33:11,010
...have you had any confrontational
experiences within the industry?
1293
01:33:11,190 --> 01:33:14,050
Paul Thomas Anderson
getting a little angry...
1294
01:33:14,220 --> 01:33:18,950
...at your public bash of Magnolia?
- Not at all. I ran into Paul...
1295
01:33:19,130 --> 01:33:23,290
...as I was getting my physical
for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
1296
01:33:23,460 --> 01:33:26,870
- Isn't it weird that...? Why's that funny?
- I don't know.
1297
01:33:27,030 --> 01:33:30,990
You're like, "You and 'physical'
should never be in the same... "
1298
01:33:31,170 --> 01:33:34,630
When you're about to direct a movie,
they make you take a physical.
1299
01:33:34,810 --> 01:33:36,780
They have to insure the director...
1300
01:33:36,940 --> 01:33:40,180
...in case the director drops dead
of a heart attack...
1301
01:33:40,350 --> 01:33:43,840
...if he smokes a lot
and eats really bad food.
1302
01:33:44,020 --> 01:33:49,150
So I'm getting my physical. I'm sitting
there filling out the paperwork...
1303
01:33:49,320 --> 01:33:52,850
...wondering if I'll have
to have my balls grabbed...
1304
01:33:53,030 --> 01:33:56,050
...wondering if I'll have to pay for it.
- Five bucks!
1305
01:33:56,230 --> 01:33:58,660
Or if he'll pay me.
1306
01:33:59,870 --> 01:34:04,600
I hear a guy go, "Kevin, hello."
I look, and it's Paul Thomas Anderson.
1307
01:34:04,770 --> 01:34:07,900
I was like, "How are you?"
He was like, "Good."
1308
01:34:08,080 --> 01:34:11,200
I was like, "Just getting my physical."
He said, "Me too."
1309
01:34:11,380 --> 01:34:15,040
I said, "What you shooting?"
He said, "Movie with Adam Sandler."
1310
01:34:15,220 --> 01:34:17,410
He says,
"Good to see you," and he left.
1311
01:34:17,590 --> 01:34:20,750
And after he left I was just like,
"Oh, my God.
1312
01:34:20,920 --> 01:34:24,150
That was the motherfucker
I bitch-slapped on the Internet."
1313
01:34:24,330 --> 01:34:26,380
And he was so classy, you know?
1314
01:34:26,560 --> 01:34:29,790
I wasn't even looking.
The dude was behind me.
1315
01:34:29,960 --> 01:34:33,870
He could have come up behind me
with a fucking chair and been like:
1316
01:34:34,300 --> 01:34:39,200
He was like, "Hey, Kevin." And he
could have then hit me with a chair.
1317
01:34:39,370 --> 01:34:41,810
So I'd see it was him.
That would've been my move.
1318
01:34:41,980 --> 01:34:44,570
I would have been like,
"Hey, Paul."
1319
01:34:44,750 --> 01:34:49,510
If he said something about me.
But he was real classy. That was cool.
1320
01:34:49,680 --> 01:34:53,210
I felt bad for my comment.
I was like, "I shouldn't have said that."
1321
01:34:53,390 --> 01:34:55,620
Any run-ins with studio execs?
1322
01:34:55,790 --> 01:35:00,390
- Who actually did hit me with a chair?
- Yeah. No.
1323
01:35:00,790 --> 01:35:06,200
I guess, having to make compromises...
Are there things you held back...
1324
01:35:06,370 --> 01:35:10,670
...because of test audiences,
executive decisions, things like that?
1325
01:35:14,380 --> 01:35:19,070
You got all serious on me.
We were having fun.
1326
01:35:19,550 --> 01:35:23,240
When I worked on Mallrats,
there were notes I didn't like.
1327
01:35:23,420 --> 01:35:27,080
Since it was my second movie,
I wound up taking them.
1328
01:35:27,250 --> 01:35:32,280
I didn't find the diplomatic way around
avoiding the notes. I bought into it.
1329
01:35:32,460 --> 01:35:37,420
For example, there was a scene
in Mallrats where Jay and Silent Bob...
1330
01:35:37,600 --> 01:35:40,160
...and Brodie and T.S.
are in the food court...
1331
01:35:40,330 --> 01:35:44,740
...talking about scars they've gotten
from going down on girls.
1332
01:35:45,110 --> 01:35:50,010
When I handed in the script, they said,
"No audience will find this funny.
1333
01:35:50,180 --> 01:35:53,440
It's too racy.
This doesn't belong in a movie."
1334
01:35:53,610 --> 01:35:58,610
I was like, "All right." I pulled
it out. I put it in a better movie.
1335
01:35:59,390 --> 01:36:04,120
Then there was a sequence where Jay
and Silent Bob throughout the movie...
1336
01:36:04,290 --> 01:36:07,120
...were running around
the fucking mall and shit.
1337
01:36:07,290 --> 01:36:11,030
One of the running gags
in the first and second draft...
1338
01:36:11,200 --> 01:36:15,930
...was they were constantly busting in
on Gwen when she was trying on shit.
1339
01:36:16,100 --> 01:36:19,870
And one of the times,
they were in a booth next to her...
1340
01:36:20,040 --> 01:36:22,440
...and they were peeking
through a hole in the wall.
1341
01:36:22,610 --> 01:36:26,240
It was my homage
to that great cinema epic Porky's.
1342
01:36:26,410 --> 01:36:29,970
And Silent Bob starts jerking off.
And he jerks off...
1343
01:36:30,150 --> 01:36:32,620
...and he shoots up in the air...
1344
01:36:33,250 --> 01:36:36,590
...and it comes over
and lands in Gwen's hair.
1345
01:36:36,760 --> 01:36:38,690
She screams, and they
go tearing-ass out.
1346
01:36:38,860 --> 01:36:42,420
The next time you see Gwen, when
she meets up with T.S. and Brodie...
1347
01:36:42,600 --> 01:36:45,590
...she still has it matted
in her hair.
1348
01:36:45,770 --> 01:36:49,700
That was in the script.
They were like, "That's not funny."
1349
01:36:51,440 --> 01:36:53,630
I swear, this is a true story.
1350
01:36:53,810 --> 01:36:57,170
"That's not funny.
Nobody will pay to see that.
1351
01:36:57,340 --> 01:37:01,280
You will turn off an audience
with come-in-the-hair-type jokes."
1352
01:37:01,450 --> 01:37:06,350
So I took it out, and then somebody
else put it in their movie.
1353
01:37:06,520 --> 01:37:09,980
They didn't take my idea.
Great minds think alike.
1354
01:37:10,160 --> 01:37:13,820
They did it, and their movie
made 120 million bucks.
1355
01:37:13,990 --> 01:37:18,360
I was perturbed about that. But that
was the only time, during Mallrats.
1356
01:37:18,530 --> 01:37:21,560
We were so new to the process,
we believed whatever we were told.
1357
01:37:21,740 --> 01:37:25,570
We wanted to make it for $2 million.
They were like, "lt'll be $6 million."
1358
01:37:25,740 --> 01:37:29,230
Why? We don't have
to make a movie for 6 million.
1359
01:37:29,410 --> 01:37:34,140
It's a couple of kids running around
a mall. It doesn't cost that much.
1360
01:37:34,310 --> 01:37:37,770
It's not like it has
a rubber poop monster in it.
1361
01:37:37,950 --> 01:37:42,450
They said, "You can't make a movie for
less." I said, "We made one for $28,000."
1362
01:37:42,620 --> 01:37:45,850
They're like,
"That's not a real movie, is it?"
1363
01:37:46,330 --> 01:37:51,260
I should have known right there. I sat
there going, "I guess you're right."
1364
01:37:51,870 --> 01:37:54,700
Maybe it'll be a cartoon one day.
1365
01:37:55,440 --> 01:37:58,890
So we bought into it.
You grow older, and you're like:
1366
01:37:59,070 --> 01:38:03,840
"Wait, I have more power than this."
You start ignoring certain things.
1367
01:38:04,010 --> 01:38:08,140
Particularly bad notes
about removing come-in-hair jokes.
1368
01:38:08,520 --> 01:38:10,570
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
1369
01:38:11,820 --> 01:38:14,750
On the topic that you
brought out on comic books...
1370
01:38:14,920 --> 01:38:18,620
...the "true Hollywood story"
with Superman Lives...
1371
01:38:18,790 --> 01:38:22,890
...and whether it was you who didn't want
Tim Burton to go down with it...
1372
01:38:23,060 --> 01:38:27,560
...or if he just wasn't happy with what
you'd done with it... What's your take?
1373
01:38:27,730 --> 01:38:29,730
This is going back a few years.
1374
01:38:29,900 --> 01:38:32,900
In '96, '97, I was commissioned
by Warner Bros...
1375
01:38:33,070 --> 01:38:36,510
...to write a script
for a new Superman movie.
1376
01:38:36,680 --> 01:38:42,480
And how it came about, I think,
was that somebody saw Mallrats...
1377
01:38:42,650 --> 01:38:44,510
...somebody at Warner Bros...
1378
01:38:44,690 --> 01:38:47,810
...and was just like...
Watched Brodie and T.S. talk...
1379
01:38:47,990 --> 01:38:51,320
...about the Kryptonite condom,
and they were like:
1380
01:38:51,490 --> 01:38:54,720
"This guy seems to know
a lot about Superman."
1381
01:38:56,600 --> 01:38:59,000
So I got called in for a meeting
at Warner Bros.
1382
01:38:59,170 --> 01:39:03,070
They said, "There's a couple projects
that you can rewrite."
1383
01:39:03,240 --> 01:39:06,070
At this point, the script for
Chasing Amy had started circulating.
1384
01:39:06,240 --> 01:39:10,840
People were like, "He can write."
So they offered me rewrite work.
1385
01:39:11,180 --> 01:39:15,010
They said, "We have three projects."
I said, "What are they?"
1386
01:39:15,180 --> 01:39:20,590
"One is a remake of an Outer Limits
episode called 'The Architects of Fear. '
1387
01:39:20,750 --> 01:39:24,950
The second
is Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian. "
1388
01:39:25,960 --> 01:39:29,900
I was like, "Didn't we say all we needed
to say with the first Beetlejuice?
1389
01:39:30,060 --> 01:39:32,660
Must we go tropical?"
1390
01:39:34,030 --> 01:39:38,230
And the third was a project
called Superman Reborn.
1391
01:39:38,410 --> 01:39:43,210
That's what interested me. I was like,
"You're gonna make another Superman?
1392
01:39:43,380 --> 01:39:47,610
I'd love to do that." And they said,
"Well, that's a long shot.
1393
01:39:47,780 --> 01:39:51,550
I can't give you that right here.
That has to go through lots of people...
1394
01:39:51,720 --> 01:39:55,810
...because it's a big franchise."
I said, "What do I have to do?
1395
01:39:55,990 --> 01:39:59,930
Whose fucking dick do I have
to suck to get this job?"
1396
01:40:00,660 --> 01:40:03,600
And thankfully, he didn't say his.
1397
01:40:03,760 --> 01:40:06,670
He said, "Why don't you take
the script home...
1398
01:40:06,830 --> 01:40:09,700
...read it, and tell me
what you think of it."
1399
01:40:09,870 --> 01:40:11,930
I read the script and was like:
1400
01:40:12,110 --> 01:40:15,670
"This is fucking terrible.
This is a horrible script."
1401
01:40:15,840 --> 01:40:17,780
It was really, really bad.
1402
01:40:17,950 --> 01:40:21,040
It was kind of like
the Batman TV-show version...
1403
01:40:21,210 --> 01:40:23,840
...of a Superman movie.
Very campy.
1404
01:40:24,020 --> 01:40:27,280
I went back to Warner Bros.,
sat down with the dude.
1405
01:40:27,450 --> 01:40:31,720
He was like, "What did you think?"
I said, "It was quite bad."
1406
01:40:31,890 --> 01:40:36,560
He said, "'Bad' meaning good?"
I said, "No, bad. Fucking terrible."
1407
01:40:36,730 --> 01:40:40,860
And I'm going on for about five
minutes how bad the script is:
1408
01:40:41,030 --> 01:40:45,730
"Did you pay somebody to write this?
Is the writer somebody's cousin?
1409
01:40:45,910 --> 01:40:48,500
Who let somebody write this script?
1410
01:40:48,680 --> 01:40:51,970
You paid this dude?
Can you get the money back?
1411
01:40:52,150 --> 01:40:53,980
Because this is horrendous."
1412
01:40:54,150 --> 01:40:58,810
He was looking at me, nodding and
going, "Well, thanks for coming in."
1413
01:40:58,990 --> 01:41:04,890
I called my friend Walter in Jersey.
He's a big comic book fan. I was like:
1414
01:41:05,060 --> 01:41:09,960
"I went into Warner Bros. And told
them their Superman script sucked.
1415
01:41:11,370 --> 01:41:14,800
Revel, revel. Jersey, represent.
1416
01:41:15,370 --> 01:41:20,500
Fuck Hollywood!" Walter's like, "Why
didn't you offer to write it better?"
1417
01:41:20,670 --> 01:41:23,770
And I was like:
1418
01:41:23,940 --> 01:41:27,140
Because I hadn't thought of that.
I said, "Fuck!"
1419
01:41:27,310 --> 01:41:31,770
But the next day my agent called:
"They want to see you at Warner Bros."
1420
01:41:31,950 --> 01:41:33,610
I said, "Really? All right."
1421
01:41:33,790 --> 01:41:37,480
So I went back. It was the same dude
I talked to originally...
1422
01:41:37,660 --> 01:41:41,620
...and there was another dude.
The first guy was like:
1423
01:41:41,800 --> 01:41:46,460
"Do me a favor, tell him what you
told me about the Superman script."
1424
01:41:46,630 --> 01:41:51,430
And I was like, "All right. It's bad.
Sucks. Did your cousin write it?"
1425
01:41:51,670 --> 01:41:54,640
Did that for about five minutes,
and they just nodded...
1426
01:41:54,810 --> 01:41:58,540
...and then they're like,
"Well, thanks for coming in."
1427
01:41:58,710 --> 01:42:01,440
I went home. The next day,
got another call from my agent:
1428
01:42:01,620 --> 01:42:06,350
"They wanna meet with you at
Warner Bros. Again." I said, "All right."
1429
01:42:06,520 --> 01:42:09,320
Because I really didn't
have much to do.
1430
01:42:09,920 --> 01:42:14,420
So I go back, and it's the two dudes
and now there's a third dude.
1431
01:42:14,590 --> 01:42:19,000
They're all in a semi-circle of chairs,
and the first two guys are like:
1432
01:42:19,170 --> 01:42:22,930
"Tell him what you told us
about the Superman script."
1433
01:42:23,100 --> 01:42:26,900
I just imagined it as a kind
of water cooler situation.
1434
01:42:27,070 --> 01:42:31,240
One guy's standing at the water cooler
with somebody, and he was like:
1435
01:42:31,410 --> 01:42:35,140
"You should hear what the Clerks dude
said about the Superman script."
1436
01:42:35,320 --> 01:42:40,380
The other guy's like, "What'd he say?"
He's like, "Fuck it. Just bring him in."
1437
01:42:44,790 --> 01:42:48,690
So I told them again, and it went on
like that for a whole week.
1438
01:42:48,860 --> 01:42:52,820
I'd go back, there'd be another
person. I kept saying the same shit.
1439
01:42:53,000 --> 01:42:56,440
Finally, I got to the guy at the top,
Lorenzo di Bonaventura.
1440
01:42:56,600 --> 01:42:59,730
Now there's six to eight guys
at a large table.
1441
01:42:59,910 --> 01:43:05,140
They're all like, "Tell Lorenzo
what you told us about Superman. "
1442
01:43:05,310 --> 01:43:09,770
I did my spiel, and Lorenzo said,
"What would you do differently?"
1443
01:43:09,950 --> 01:43:14,480
I said, "I hadn't thought about it,
but you could try this and that."
1444
01:43:14,650 --> 01:43:19,520
He's like, "We'll give you a shot at it."
I said, "All right. Awesome."
1445
01:43:19,690 --> 01:43:22,690
He goes, "It's pending
approval of the producer."
1446
01:43:22,860 --> 01:43:28,600
I said, "Who's the producer?"
They said, "Jon Peters. Meet with him."
1447
01:43:28,770 --> 01:43:32,670
Jon Peters, if you don't know,
is a producer on movies like...
1448
01:43:32,840 --> 01:43:35,970
He was an exec producer
on Rain Man.
1449
01:43:36,140 --> 01:43:38,810
He was a producer on Batman.
1450
01:43:38,980 --> 01:43:44,470
He was a producer on The Main Event,
the Barbra Streisand boxing movie.
1451
01:43:45,250 --> 01:43:49,550
He got his start in the business
as Barbra Streisand's hairdresser.
1452
01:43:49,720 --> 01:43:51,780
One day, he became a producer.
1453
01:43:51,960 --> 01:43:55,720
Because in Hollywood,
you just kind of fail upwards.
1454
01:43:58,900 --> 01:44:01,770
So anyway, I'm going
to meet Jon Peters.
1455
01:44:01,940 --> 01:44:06,170
I go to his place. And he
was a hard-core producer on Batman.
1456
01:44:06,340 --> 01:44:11,210
It was his baby from beginning to end.
When you get to his house, it shows...
1457
01:44:11,380 --> 01:44:14,400
...because it's like driving up
to Wayne Manor.
1458
01:44:14,580 --> 01:44:17,550
This is a big mansion,
through woods and shit.
1459
01:44:17,720 --> 01:44:21,780
It looks like there's
a holographic cave to one side.
1460
01:44:21,960 --> 01:44:27,090
So they bring you in, and he shows up
wearing short tennis shorts and shit.
1461
01:44:27,260 --> 01:44:30,390
He's a built dude
with a perfect head of hair...
1462
01:44:30,560 --> 01:44:33,660
...like well-quaffed, or coiffed.
1463
01:44:33,830 --> 01:44:39,030
He says, "They tell me you got
a take on Superman. " I tell it to him.
1464
01:44:39,210 --> 01:44:42,660
After I'm done, he's looking
at me, nodding. He goes:
1465
01:44:42,840 --> 01:44:45,640
"You know why you and me will do
a good job on Superman?"
1466
01:44:45,810 --> 01:44:49,680
I said, "Why?" He's going,
"You and me, we get Superman.
1467
01:44:49,850 --> 01:44:51,610
You know why?"
I said, "No."
1468
01:44:51,790 --> 01:44:55,350
He said, "Because you and me,
we're from the streets."
1469
01:45:01,830 --> 01:45:05,530
Now I grew up in suburban New Jersey.
1470
01:45:05,700 --> 01:45:09,690
Never saw a black man
till I was about 28.
1471
01:45:10,300 --> 01:45:15,500
I'm the farthest thing from the streets
there are. I grew up on a street.
1472
01:45:15,680 --> 01:45:18,300
But not on "the streets."
1473
01:45:18,710 --> 01:45:22,610
I'm thinking, "I'm from the suburbs,
you're a hairdresser.
1474
01:45:22,780 --> 01:45:27,190
Neither of us are from the street."
But I don't say that. I want the job.
1475
01:45:28,020 --> 01:45:32,050
So I said, "Who would you see
playing Superman?"
1476
01:45:32,230 --> 01:45:34,750
He said,
"If I had to cast it right now?"
1477
01:45:34,930 --> 01:45:38,520
I said, "Yeah."
And he said, "Sean Penn."
1478
01:45:39,530 --> 01:45:44,160
And I was like, "Spicoli?"
1479
01:45:46,710 --> 01:45:52,010
It was an interesting choice. He's like,
"Did you see Dead Man Walking?"
1480
01:45:52,180 --> 01:45:55,270
I said, "Yeah." He's going,
"Look in his eyes in that movie.
1481
01:45:55,450 --> 01:45:59,850
He's got the eyes of a violent,
caged animal, of a fucking killer."
1482
01:46:00,020 --> 01:46:03,350
And I was like,
"Dude, it's Superman."
1483
01:46:08,190 --> 01:46:11,930
He's like, "I got some directives
for you if you move forward...
1484
01:46:12,100 --> 01:46:17,800
...some things I want you to do and
don't in the script. Three things, okay?
1485
01:46:17,970 --> 01:46:21,170
One, I don't wanna see him
in that suit.
1486
01:46:21,340 --> 01:46:23,900
Two, I don't wanna see him fly.
1487
01:46:24,080 --> 01:46:28,480
And three, he's got to fight
a giant spider in the third act."
1488
01:46:35,720 --> 01:46:40,850
I'm like, "Let's go back to one. When
you say you don't want him in the suit... "
1489
01:46:41,030 --> 01:46:45,260
He's like, "Don't wanna see him in it.
It looks too faggy."
1490
01:46:45,430 --> 01:46:49,390
And I was just like,
"No fags on the street, I take it."
1491
01:46:50,740 --> 01:46:53,870
I don't say that because I want
the fucking job.
1492
01:46:54,040 --> 01:46:56,630
He said, "I don't wanna see him fly."
1493
01:46:56,810 --> 01:47:00,800
I said, "Well, the suit and flying
define Superman."
1494
01:47:00,980 --> 01:47:02,950
He said, "Don't wanna see it.
1495
01:47:03,120 --> 01:47:06,810
No scenes where he's flying around
carrying people. Horseshit."
1496
01:47:06,990 --> 01:47:09,220
I said, "All right, no flying."
1497
01:47:09,390 --> 01:47:12,720
I said, "But the giant spider
intrigues me.
1498
01:47:16,360 --> 01:47:21,390
Why that?" And he's like,
"Do you know anything about spiders?"
1499
01:47:21,570 --> 01:47:23,260
And I said, "No."
1500
01:47:23,440 --> 01:47:27,770
He said, "They're the fiercest
killers in the insect kingdom."
1501
01:47:35,750 --> 01:47:41,420
And I was like, "What does that have
to do with our non-flying Superman?"
1502
01:47:41,860 --> 01:47:44,850
He said, "There's gonna
be a scene that I want.
1503
01:47:45,030 --> 01:47:49,550
When I saw King Kong as a kid, there's
a scene where King Kong's revealed...
1504
01:47:49,730 --> 01:47:51,960
...and it's a real big moment.
I want that in this movie.
1505
01:47:52,130 --> 01:47:55,900
I want some doors to open up
and a big fucking spider's there."
1506
01:47:56,770 --> 01:48:00,670
So I was just like,
"All right. I'll give it a shot."
1507
01:48:00,840 --> 01:48:03,040
So I went back to Warner Bros.,
and they said:
1508
01:48:03,210 --> 01:48:08,010
"We heard from him. He likes you.
We're gonna hire you and move forward.
1509
01:48:08,180 --> 01:48:10,210
Did he bring up the spider?"
1510
01:48:10,380 --> 01:48:13,510
I said, "He did! He brought up
the spider. Did he tell you?"
1511
01:48:13,690 --> 01:48:16,350
They're like,
"Every day with the spider."
1512
01:48:16,520 --> 01:48:21,590
I said, "What should I do?" They're like,
"Do it, but try not to call it a spider.
1513
01:48:21,760 --> 01:48:26,600
Can you call it something else?"
I was like, "Thanagarian Snare Beast?"
1514
01:48:26,770 --> 01:48:29,100
They're like, "Go."
1515
01:48:30,670 --> 01:48:35,470
I was ready to go start writing, then
I was told to write an outline first.
1516
01:48:35,640 --> 01:48:37,300
I was like, "What? An outline?"
1517
01:48:37,480 --> 01:48:40,500
They said, "Give us an overview
so we can approve the story...
1518
01:48:40,680 --> 01:48:43,110
...so you can go write the script.
We need an outline."
1519
01:48:43,280 --> 01:48:45,720
I said, "Can I include dialogue?"
They said, "Yeah."
1520
01:48:45,890 --> 01:48:49,790
Dialogue's about the only thing
I know how to do, so I wrote 80 pages.
1521
01:48:49,960 --> 01:48:53,120
Just an 80-page outline
with tons of dialogue...
1522
01:48:53,290 --> 01:48:56,420
...and very few prose passages.
1523
01:48:56,600 --> 01:48:59,620
I was in L.A. all this time.
I wanted to go back to Jersey.
1524
01:48:59,800 --> 01:49:02,390
I turn it in and say,
"I'm going back to Jersey.
1525
01:49:02,570 --> 01:49:05,540
Let me know what you think.
You can reach me at home."
1526
01:49:05,710 --> 01:49:09,970
And they said, "Well, first off,
this is 80 pages."
1527
01:49:10,140 --> 01:49:11,870
I was like, "It's the outline."
1528
01:49:12,050 --> 01:49:15,040
They're like,
"An outline is, like, four pages max."
1529
01:49:15,850 --> 01:49:20,840
And I was like, "Well, I'm just
overcompensating 'cause I grew up fat."
1530
01:49:26,660 --> 01:49:31,560
They said, "Second off, you can't leave.
You gotta read Jon the outline."
1531
01:49:31,730 --> 01:49:35,390
And I said, "What do you mean...?
Read Jon the outline?"
1532
01:49:35,570 --> 01:49:39,630
They said, "Yeah. He likes to have
the outlines read to him by the writer."
1533
01:49:39,810 --> 01:49:43,610
And I said, "Do I have to fucking
tuck him in when I'm done too?"
1534
01:49:44,340 --> 01:49:47,910
So I go back up
to fucking Wayne Manor.
1535
01:49:48,280 --> 01:49:51,410
I sit down with Jon.
And Jon puts me in a chair.
1536
01:49:51,580 --> 01:49:54,380
He's got a couch
in this huge fucking living room.
1537
01:49:54,550 --> 01:49:59,010
He lays down on the couch,
and he goes:
1538
01:50:02,130 --> 01:50:04,820
And I said, "What's with that?"
1539
01:50:05,000 --> 01:50:08,990
And he's like, "I like to visualize
the movie while it's being read to me.
1540
01:50:09,170 --> 01:50:13,770
So I'm looking at it up here."
He was building a little screen...
1541
01:50:14,070 --> 01:50:16,770
...in his mind's eye.
This was a screen.
1542
01:50:16,940 --> 01:50:21,280
So I was just like, "All right.
Here we go." And I start reading.
1543
01:50:21,450 --> 01:50:24,970
Since it's Superman, you tend
to use the term "Superman" a lot.
1544
01:50:25,150 --> 01:50:28,950
I didn't wanna keep doing that. Being
a comic book fan, I changed it up.
1545
01:50:29,120 --> 01:50:33,960
Called him Kal-El when he was on
Krypton. Man of Tomorrow, Man of Steel.
1546
01:50:34,130 --> 01:50:37,390
So I'm reading the first few pages,
when he's a baby on Krypton.
1547
01:50:37,560 --> 01:50:41,660
I had to redo the origin. It's Kal-El
this, Kal-El that, blah, blah, blah.
1548
01:50:41,830 --> 01:50:46,070
And he's like, "Wait a second.
Wait a second. Who the fuck is Kal-EI?"
1549
01:50:46,240 --> 01:50:49,070
And I was like, "Kal-El is Superman."
1550
01:50:49,240 --> 01:50:54,480
He's going, "All right. Why?" And I
was like, "That's his Kryptonian name."
1551
01:50:54,650 --> 01:50:58,380
And he goes:
I'm like, "Krypton's where he's from."
1552
01:50:58,550 --> 01:51:02,420
He's like, "Right, right. Fucking
planet. Boom. All right, all right."
1553
01:51:07,960 --> 01:51:09,760
"Go."
1554
01:51:10,330 --> 01:51:12,730
So we go back into it and shit,
and I read it.
1555
01:51:12,900 --> 01:51:16,600
When I'm all done, he's like, "All
right, I think we got a movie here.
1556
01:51:16,770 --> 01:51:19,030
The problem:
You're missing action beats.
1557
01:51:19,210 --> 01:51:21,700
Every 10 pages,
something big has to happen."
1558
01:51:21,870 --> 01:51:25,400
I said, "What are you thinking about?"
He's like, "It's just an example:
1559
01:51:25,580 --> 01:51:29,980
The scene where Brainiac goes to the
Fortress of Solitude to find Superman."
1560
01:51:30,150 --> 01:51:33,550
Superman's dead at this point.
Hope I didn't spoil the movie.
1561
01:51:33,720 --> 01:51:37,680
"Brainiac's looking for him at the
Fortress. Something should happen.
1562
01:51:37,860 --> 01:51:41,090
There should be a big fight."
I'm like, "But Superman's dead."
1563
01:51:41,260 --> 01:51:44,820
He's like, "I know, but can't Brainiac
fight something else up there?"
1564
01:51:45,000 --> 01:51:46,660
I was like, "Well, like what?"
1565
01:51:46,830 --> 01:51:51,070
He's like, "What about, like,
Superman's guards? His soldiers."
1566
01:51:51,240 --> 01:51:54,800
And I'm like,
"Why would Superman need guards?
1567
01:51:55,510 --> 01:52:01,880
You know, he's Superman. And plus,
it's called the Fortress of Solitude.
1568
01:52:05,320 --> 01:52:07,050
Nobody's up there."
1569
01:52:07,220 --> 01:52:10,660
He said, "Jesus Christ.
Where is it? Is it in the Antarctic?"
1570
01:52:10,820 --> 01:52:13,760
I said, "Yeah."
He's like, "What about polar bears?"
1571
01:52:14,690 --> 01:52:18,360
I was like, "Polar bears?" He said,
"Yeah. Have him fight polar bears.
1572
01:52:18,530 --> 01:52:20,760
Brainiac's trying
to get in the Fortress.
1573
01:52:20,930 --> 01:52:24,960
Polar bears come at him, and he just
fucking kills one, and one runs away.
1574
01:52:25,140 --> 01:52:28,300
Because we don't want to piss off
the PETA people."
1575
01:52:29,080 --> 01:52:34,600
I said, "You want me to write a scene
where Brainiac is wrassling polar bears?"
1576
01:52:34,780 --> 01:52:37,720
He says, "Yeah.
You know anything about polar bears?"
1577
01:52:37,880 --> 01:52:39,040
I said, "No, I don't."
1578
01:52:39,220 --> 01:52:43,780
He's like, "Polar bears are the
fiercest killers in the animal kingdom."
1579
01:52:48,160 --> 01:52:49,420
At this point, I'm just like:
1580
01:52:49,600 --> 01:52:53,730
"This dude has way too much access
to the Discovery Channel."
1581
01:52:53,900 --> 01:52:59,240
So I get done with my first draft,
and I send it in, and they like it.
1582
01:52:59,410 --> 01:53:02,930
They start sending it off to people.
They send it to Nic Cage, Tim Burton.
1583
01:53:03,110 --> 01:53:06,370
During this time, we have
the premiere for Chasing Amy.
1584
01:53:06,550 --> 01:53:10,210
I invite Jon because I know he
doesn't know anything about my work.
1585
01:53:10,380 --> 01:53:13,440
In fact, nobody at Warner Bros.
knows my work...
1586
01:53:13,620 --> 01:53:16,110
...beyond having read the script
for Chasing Amy.
1587
01:53:16,290 --> 01:53:19,820
I was always afraid somebody
at Warner Bros. Would be like:
1588
01:53:19,990 --> 01:53:25,400
"We gave our multimillion-dollar
franchise to the Clerks guy?
1589
01:53:25,570 --> 01:53:29,830
Like, he's gonna turn in a script with
fucking Clark jumping on Lois going:
1590
01:53:30,000 --> 01:53:32,660
'How many fucking dicks
did you suck?"'
1591
01:53:36,740 --> 01:53:40,680
I figured it was fair to invite the
producer of the movie I was writing...
1592
01:53:40,850 --> 01:53:42,210
...to see my new movie.
1593
01:53:42,380 --> 01:53:45,280
I said, "We're having a premiere
for Chasing Amy. Wanna come?"
1594
01:53:45,450 --> 01:53:47,680
He showed up,
and I talked to him the next day.
1595
01:53:47,850 --> 01:53:50,290
He was going,
"Interesting. Interesting flick."
1596
01:53:50,460 --> 01:53:52,720
Which in Hollywood means
"I didn't like it at all."
1597
01:53:52,890 --> 01:53:54,760
He's going,
"You know what I liked?
1598
01:53:54,930 --> 01:53:57,990
The gay black guy.
I liked that a lot. I liked his voice."
1599
01:53:58,160 --> 01:53:59,890
I said, "Yeah, Dwight is very funny."
1600
01:54:00,070 --> 01:54:02,730
He said, "That's what we need
in our movie."
1601
01:54:03,070 --> 01:54:06,130
I was like, "You want Dwight?
He'd be happy to do it."
1602
01:54:06,310 --> 01:54:09,400
He said, "No. We just need
that voice, that character...
1603
01:54:09,580 --> 01:54:14,770
...somebody like him in our movie.
Can't Brainiac have a sidekick?"
1604
01:54:14,950 --> 01:54:17,180
And I was like, "Yeah, I guess."
1605
01:54:17,350 --> 01:54:20,010
And he's like,
"Give him a little robot sidekick...
1606
01:54:20,190 --> 01:54:22,750
...and give him that dude's voice."
1607
01:54:23,090 --> 01:54:28,050
I said, "Really? You want the robot
to sound like a gay black man?"
1608
01:54:29,300 --> 01:54:34,160
And he said, "That's what this movie
needs, a fucking gay R2-D2."
1609
01:54:36,840 --> 01:54:39,530
At this point, the Star Wars
movie was in rerelease.
1610
01:54:39,710 --> 01:54:42,940
It opened up that previous weekend,
made like 30 million bucks.
1611
01:54:43,110 --> 01:54:47,710
He'd gone to see it again. He was like,
"We need shit like that in our movie.
1612
01:54:47,880 --> 01:54:51,540
We need something that we can
make toys of and shit like that.
1613
01:54:51,720 --> 01:54:54,580
Like Chewie.
We need Chewie in this movie."
1614
01:54:54,750 --> 01:54:58,380
I was like, "You want me to just
fucking write Chewie into the movie?
1615
01:54:58,560 --> 01:55:01,790
Superman wrassling Chewie?"
1616
01:55:01,960 --> 01:55:03,930
He said,
"No, but something like that.
1617
01:55:04,100 --> 01:55:08,090
Maybe Brainiac has a little cute dog,
and we can make a toy out of it.
1618
01:55:08,270 --> 01:55:11,330
Because that's what it's about.
We gotta sell toys off this movie."
1619
01:55:11,500 --> 01:55:13,800
I said, "I don't know
if that's gonna work."
1620
01:55:13,970 --> 01:55:17,270
He said, "Don't tell me it's not
gonna work. I want my Chewie."
1621
01:55:17,440 --> 01:55:20,280
I was like, "I got
your fucking Chewie right here."
1622
01:55:21,280 --> 01:55:23,980
But I don't say that
because I like the job.
1623
01:55:24,150 --> 01:55:28,280
So Tim Burton and Nic Cage
sign on based on my draft.
1624
01:55:28,450 --> 01:55:30,950
And I was kind of excited.
That's kind of neat.
1625
01:55:31,120 --> 01:55:34,650
Fucking Tim Burton, Batman.
And Nic Cage, you know...
1626
01:55:34,830 --> 01:55:36,690
Fucking Nic Cage.
1627
01:55:37,560 --> 01:55:40,430
But when Tim Burton
got signed onto the project...
1628
01:55:40,600 --> 01:55:42,760
...Tim Burton signed
a pay-or-play deal...
1629
01:55:42,940 --> 01:55:46,500
...which means, no matter what happens,
Tim Burton gets paid his directing fee.
1630
01:55:46,670 --> 01:55:50,610
At that point, it was 10 million bucks.
5 to 10 million dollars.
1631
01:55:51,310 --> 01:55:53,340
Tim Burton, once he signs
the deal, turns around and says:
1632
01:55:53,510 --> 01:55:55,710
"I'm gonna bring on my guys
to write a script."
1633
01:55:55,880 --> 01:55:59,280
Warner Bros. Was like, "What
about the script we're developing?"
1634
01:55:59,450 --> 01:56:02,320
He said, "I don't wanna use that.
I wanna do my own script."
1635
01:56:02,490 --> 01:56:06,580
Presumably a version of Superman
where he has scissors for hands.
1636
01:56:13,570 --> 01:56:16,430
So they turn around and tell me,
"Kevin, we're done.
1637
01:56:16,600 --> 01:56:21,600
Tim wants to go another way with a new
writer." And I was like, "All right."
1638
01:56:21,770 --> 01:56:25,270
I wasn't really that upset.
I'd worked on it for two drafts...
1639
01:56:25,440 --> 01:56:29,010
...and I got to hang out with
a really fucked up, kooky dude.
1640
01:56:29,720 --> 01:56:33,240
A dude who I can tell stories about
for the rest of my life.
1641
01:56:33,890 --> 01:56:37,410
And they paid me a lot of money.
I would have done it for free.
1642
01:56:37,590 --> 01:56:40,580
I didn't tell them that.
And it was just fun.
1643
01:56:40,760 --> 01:56:45,320
I got to work on Superman. I got
incredible access into the DC archives.
1644
01:56:45,500 --> 01:56:48,300
People would give me
free Superman shit all the time.
1645
01:56:48,470 --> 01:56:51,770
Then I got shitcanned, and I
started throwing Superman stuff away.
1646
01:56:51,940 --> 01:56:53,300
Who needs to be reminded?
1647
01:56:53,470 --> 01:56:58,210
But I was really reminded the next
summer when I went to the movies...
1648
01:56:58,380 --> 01:57:02,580
...and saw a movie
that Jon Peters had produced.
1649
01:57:02,750 --> 01:57:05,510
And it was called
The Wild Wild West.
1650
01:57:18,100 --> 01:57:20,500
I'm sitting in the theater
watching the movie.
1651
01:57:20,670 --> 01:57:23,690
I'm like, "Good Lord,
this is a piece of shit."
1652
01:57:23,870 --> 01:57:26,460
But then, all of a sudden...
1653
01:57:26,640 --> 01:57:29,840
...a giant fucking spider shows up.
1654
01:57:39,120 --> 01:57:42,110
Here's a quick follow-up question:
Did you enjoy Batman?
1655
01:57:42,290 --> 01:57:43,590
Since the same people...
1656
01:57:43,760 --> 01:57:45,990
Did I enjoy Batman?
Yeah, I enjoyed Batman.
1657
01:57:46,160 --> 01:57:48,630
With all its flaws and shit.
Yeah. Absolutely.
1658
01:57:48,790 --> 01:57:51,920
When the movie came out,
I had no idea I wanted to be in film.
1659
01:57:52,100 --> 01:57:54,360
I just watched movies.
That summer was huge.
1660
01:57:54,530 --> 01:57:57,300
You couldn't turn around
without seeing the bat signal.
1661
01:57:57,470 --> 01:57:59,960
People were cutting it
into their fucking heads.
1662
01:58:00,140 --> 01:58:03,800
It was the summer of Batman. If you
were a comic book fan, it was hot.
1663
01:58:03,980 --> 01:58:06,000
I was real deep into it at that point.
1664
01:58:06,180 --> 01:58:10,410
I had just gotten back into comics, and
Batman was everywhere, so I was a fan.
1665
01:58:10,580 --> 01:58:13,140
But Tim Burton, I guess, like...
1666
01:58:13,320 --> 01:58:17,590
Ever since the Superman incident,
people bring me copies of the script.
1667
01:58:17,760 --> 01:58:22,020
They buy it at comic book conventions or
the Internet and ask me to autograph it.
1668
01:58:22,190 --> 01:58:26,150
I say, "All right."
And I always write, "Fuck Tim Burton."
1669
01:58:26,400 --> 01:58:31,670
Because I figure he'll never see it.
But I guess Tim Burton finally saw one.
1670
01:58:31,840 --> 01:58:35,770
Because during the summer, right
before Jay and Bob came out...
1671
01:58:35,940 --> 01:58:38,430
...and after Planet of the Apes
came out...
1672
01:58:38,610 --> 01:58:41,670
...there was a piece that ran
in the New York Post on Page Six...
1673
01:58:41,850 --> 01:58:43,970
...in which Burton
chewed me a new asshole.
1674
01:58:44,150 --> 01:58:47,090
At the end of Planet of the Apes...
Hope I'm not spoiling it for anyone.
1675
01:58:47,250 --> 01:58:50,420
Marky Mark goes back
to fucking present day.
1676
01:58:51,620 --> 01:58:53,920
It is fucking Marky Mark.
1677
01:58:59,830 --> 01:59:01,600
I don't care
what he calls himself now.
1678
01:59:01,770 --> 01:59:04,630
It was just like, "Feel it, feel it."
You know?
1679
01:59:07,910 --> 01:59:10,240
The underwear dude.
1680
01:59:10,410 --> 01:59:14,350
Marky Mark goes back to the present
day and lands at the Lincoln Memorial.
1681
01:59:14,510 --> 01:59:17,480
The Lincoln Memorial has
a monkey's head on it or something.
1682
01:59:17,650 --> 01:59:20,210
The cops get out,
and they're all monkeys. He's like:
1683
01:59:20,390 --> 01:59:22,550
And the audience is like, "What?"
1684
01:59:23,920 --> 01:59:28,360
I'm talking to this dude from the
New York Post named Lou Lumineck.
1685
01:59:28,530 --> 01:59:32,190
He's a friend who's been covering
our stuff from the get-go on Clerks.
1686
01:59:32,360 --> 01:59:34,920
He used to live
in Bergen County, in Jersey.
1687
01:59:35,100 --> 01:59:37,930
So he goes... We were talking
about Planet of the Apes.
1688
01:59:38,100 --> 01:59:40,230
I was like, "Did you see it?
What'd you think?"
1689
01:59:40,410 --> 01:59:42,600
"It was fucking terrible!"
"It was real bad.
1690
01:59:42,780 --> 01:59:45,740
Let's just try to ignore it
and pretend it never happened.
1691
01:59:45,910 --> 01:59:50,510
But there's one thing in that movie I
found interesting, a weird coincidence.
1692
01:59:50,680 --> 01:59:52,670
You got the Jay and Silent Bob
miniseries?"
1693
01:59:52,850 --> 01:59:56,250
I had done this comic book miniseries
called Chasing Dogma...
1694
01:59:56,420 --> 02:00:00,020
...that took place between the movies
Chasing Amy and Dogma.
1695
02:00:00,190 --> 02:00:03,160
When they leave Chasing Amy,
the comic book story happens.
1696
02:00:03,330 --> 02:00:06,630
At the tail end of the comic book,
in the last page, they enter Dogma.
1697
02:00:06,800 --> 02:00:09,830
It was a little miniseries
that bridged it, and fun to do.
1698
02:00:10,000 --> 02:00:12,900
We used a whole section of it for
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
1699
02:00:13,070 --> 02:00:16,130
The whole section with the monkey
came right out of the comic book.
1700
02:00:16,310 --> 02:00:18,970
At one point, just like in the movie,
where Jay is imagining...
1701
02:00:19,150 --> 02:00:21,910
...what's gonna happen
when monkeys take over the planet...
1702
02:00:22,080 --> 02:00:25,480
...or if monkeys took over the planet.
We did that in the comic book.
1703
02:00:25,650 --> 02:00:29,180
Same montage. There was one shot
in the comic that wasn't in the movie...
1704
02:00:29,360 --> 02:00:32,760
...which was a bunch of apes pulling
the head off the Lincoln Memorial...
1705
02:00:32,930 --> 02:00:34,650
...and replacing it with a monkey head.
1706
02:00:34,830 --> 02:00:36,730
When I saw Planet of the Apes,
I was like:
1707
02:00:36,900 --> 02:00:39,300
"That's fucked up!
I put that in a comic book once."
1708
02:00:39,470 --> 02:00:42,900
On the phone with Lou, I was like,
"Pick up your copy of Chasing Dogma.
1709
02:00:43,070 --> 02:00:46,530
Go to this page." He looks and goes,
"My God! It's just like in the movie."
1710
02:00:46,710 --> 02:00:50,440
I say, "Isn't that fucked up?
Great minds think alike, motherfucker."
1711
02:00:51,110 --> 02:00:54,940
He said, "You wanna say something?
We can make a piece for the paper."
1712
02:00:55,110 --> 02:00:57,340
I said, "All right."
Because I'm a press whore.
1713
02:00:57,520 --> 02:00:59,850
I will do anything
to see my name in print.
1714
02:01:00,020 --> 02:01:03,110
So I was just like, "Yeah, great."
Even though it wasn't news.
1715
02:01:03,290 --> 02:01:07,390
He said, "What do you have to say
about it?" I said, "I'm really mad.
1716
02:01:08,760 --> 02:01:13,600
I feel like I've been ripped off,
and I am contemplating legal action."
1717
02:01:19,710 --> 02:01:22,230
We're on the phone, like:
1718
02:01:22,910 --> 02:01:26,240
Forty-year-old guy,
30-year-old guy:
1719
02:01:27,710 --> 02:01:30,680
So he's like, "You mind if I call
Tim Burton and get a comment?"
1720
02:01:30,850 --> 02:01:33,820
I said, "Go ahead. Let's get Tim
in on it. That'll be awesome."
1721
02:01:33,990 --> 02:01:37,620
So the piece runs in the paper
two days later on page six.
1722
02:01:37,790 --> 02:01:41,090
And it said, "Smith Furious at Burton,"
or something akin to that.
1723
02:01:41,260 --> 02:01:44,700
And I read the article, and my quotes
don't come off as like:
1724
02:01:44,860 --> 02:01:49,800
"I feel... I'm pissed off."
It says, "He's very pissed off.
1725
02:01:50,240 --> 02:01:54,900
He feels ripped off, and he's
currently contemplating legal action."
1726
02:01:55,070 --> 02:01:57,040
I'm going,
"That's not what I said at all.
1727
02:01:57,210 --> 02:01:59,940
I didn't say it. I was:
What? You know?
1728
02:02:00,110 --> 02:02:02,640
That's not in the article.
Where's the...?"
1729
02:02:05,450 --> 02:02:09,720
And in the piece it said, "When asked
for comment, Tim Burton said:
1730
02:02:09,890 --> 02:02:14,720
'Anybody that knows me knows that
I would never read a comic book."'
1731
02:02:14,890 --> 02:02:18,520
Which to me explains fucking Batman.
1732
02:02:26,710 --> 02:02:29,700
But it said...
Then the next quote was:
1733
02:02:29,880 --> 02:02:34,640
"And I would especially never read
anything created by Kevin Smith."
1734
02:02:34,810 --> 02:02:37,580
And I was just like,
"Holy shit, man!"
1735
02:02:37,750 --> 02:02:42,450
Like, the claws came out.
The scissor-hands came out.
1736
02:02:42,990 --> 02:02:46,720
Because Tim, I don't know
if you've ever seen him in interviews...
1737
02:02:46,890 --> 02:02:49,220
I think they did
an A&E Biography on him.
1738
02:02:49,400 --> 02:02:54,160
But I've seen stuff with Tim in it, and
he's always like, "I'm a goofy artist."
1739
02:02:54,330 --> 02:02:58,860
"I'm Goth, and I just like movie magic."
You know?
1740
02:02:59,140 --> 02:03:03,580
Just like a real artsy-fartsy
fucking weirdo.
1741
02:03:03,740 --> 02:03:08,080
And he wears the black, and he wears
big fucking Jackie O. Glasses.
1742
02:03:08,250 --> 02:03:11,010
And he's got the hair that goes up
and cascades.
1743
02:03:11,180 --> 02:03:15,090
He looks like an art-school student.
Always like this: You know?
1744
02:03:15,250 --> 02:03:18,250
Doesn't dress nice, like this.
1745
02:03:20,260 --> 02:03:23,990
Suddenly, Tim went from being like,
"I'm just a very kooky guy"...
1746
02:03:24,160 --> 02:03:26,290
...to "Fuck fat Smith!
1747
02:03:26,470 --> 02:03:28,990
Fuck him up his ass!
1748
02:03:30,240 --> 02:03:33,230
I'm Tim Burton!
Who the fuck does he think...?
1749
02:03:33,410 --> 02:03:35,870
I stole from him? Fuck you!"
1750
02:03:36,040 --> 02:03:38,570
You know,
the verbal equivalent in the press.
1751
02:03:38,740 --> 02:03:40,910
And I was flabbergasted.
Taken aback.
1752
02:03:41,080 --> 02:03:44,210
I'm used to saying shit
about people left and right.
1753
02:03:44,380 --> 02:03:47,440
Nobody ever says anything back
because people are fairly political.
1754
02:03:47,620 --> 02:03:51,520
But for one brief moment, Tim Burton
was just like, "The gloves are off!
1755
02:03:51,690 --> 02:03:53,780
Let's go."
1756
02:04:01,830 --> 02:04:05,030
So I called up Lou. I was like, "What
did you do to me? What's going on?"
1757
02:04:05,200 --> 02:04:07,670
He's going, "I told you
it would be a page six story."
1758
02:04:07,840 --> 02:04:10,740
I said, "I didn't know you would
run it like a serious item."
1759
02:04:10,910 --> 02:04:14,040
He said, "Once I got the Tim Burton
quote, I thought it was great."
1760
02:04:14,210 --> 02:04:16,370
I was like,
"Yeah, but did you read it?"
1761
02:04:16,550 --> 02:04:20,280
He said, "Yeah, it's funny as hell."
I was like, "It's funny to me and you!
1762
02:04:20,450 --> 02:04:23,940
Everyone else thinks... I got people
calling me. CNN, the L.A. Times...
1763
02:04:24,120 --> 02:04:26,680
...they wanna know when
I'm suing 20th Century Fox.
1764
02:04:26,860 --> 02:04:29,290
We were..."
1765
02:04:30,530 --> 02:04:34,860
And he said, "Look, man, just be
happy, because he had more to say."
1766
02:04:35,030 --> 02:04:37,970
Lou, after we got done talking,
called Tim's publicist.
1767
02:04:38,140 --> 02:04:41,660
Tim's publicist's name is Bumble Ward.
1768
02:04:41,940 --> 02:04:44,370
I'm not making it up.
1769
02:04:44,540 --> 02:04:50,380
Say it one more time.
Tim's publicist's name is Bumble Ward.
1770
02:04:50,720 --> 02:04:53,710
There is somebody on this planet...
1771
02:04:54,750 --> 02:04:57,350
...named Bumble.
1772
02:05:01,630 --> 02:05:04,930
Bumble fucking Ward.
He calls Bumble, and he's like:
1773
02:05:05,100 --> 02:05:09,300
"Kevin Smith said this about Planet of
the Apes. Would Tim like to comment?"
1774
02:05:09,470 --> 02:05:13,200
And Bumble Ward at first
was just like, "No." Click.
1775
02:05:13,370 --> 02:05:16,970
Lou started writing his article.
The phone rang five minutes later.
1776
02:05:17,140 --> 02:05:18,400
It was Bumble Ward.
1777
02:05:18,580 --> 02:05:21,910
And she said, "Tim does,
in fact, have a statement."
1778
02:05:22,080 --> 02:05:23,380
He's like, "What is it?"
1779
02:05:23,550 --> 02:05:25,850
She read off that statement
that he printed.
1780
02:05:26,020 --> 02:05:29,750
Apparently, Bumble was like, "What
is he, 10? He's got nothing to say"...
1781
02:05:29,920 --> 02:05:32,860
...and was talking to Tim like,
"The dude who made Clerks...
1782
02:05:33,030 --> 02:05:36,090
...says you stole the ending
of Planet of the Apes from him."
1783
02:05:36,260 --> 02:05:40,790
And Tim was like, "He said what?
Get them back on the phone!
1784
02:05:40,970 --> 02:05:45,400
Here's my statement: I would never
read anything created by Kevin Smith."
1785
02:05:45,570 --> 02:05:48,870
So Lou said, "Be happy that
I went to press as soon as I did...
1786
02:05:49,040 --> 02:05:51,770
...because 10 minutes later,
Bumble Ward called back...
1787
02:05:51,940 --> 02:05:54,740
...to say Tim has more statements
to make."
1788
02:05:54,910 --> 02:06:00,180
Like, apparently, Tim was just like,
"I... Fucking... And say this too!
1789
02:06:01,090 --> 02:06:04,520
He's ugly and his mother
dresses him funny.
1790
02:06:04,690 --> 02:06:09,590
And fucking Mallrats was stupid.
And fucking... His wife's got big ears!"
1791
02:06:09,760 --> 02:06:11,320
You know? Shit.
1792
02:06:11,500 --> 02:06:14,830
But he'd gone to press
so he couldn't put it in the article.
1793
02:06:15,000 --> 02:06:18,030
I always thought that if I ever
write a book one day...
1794
02:06:18,200 --> 02:06:22,940
...a novel or something like that,
and you have to put quotes on the back...
1795
02:06:23,110 --> 02:06:24,700
...you know, little review
blurbs and shit.
1796
02:06:24,880 --> 02:06:28,210
Like, "It was a great read."
"Smith knocks one out of the park!"
1797
02:06:28,380 --> 02:06:32,150
I'm gonna take that Tim Burton quote
and use that as the last quote.
1798
02:06:32,320 --> 02:06:37,480
"I would especially never read
anything created by Kevin Smith."
1799
02:06:43,000 --> 02:06:45,790
Hi. I'm gonna play the bad guy
in this situation.
1800
02:06:45,960 --> 02:06:50,090
Union Board has come up and told me
five times to cut it off. So...
1801
02:06:50,270 --> 02:06:51,430
I'm sorry.
1802
02:06:51,600 --> 02:06:53,130
Kevin! Kevin!
1803
02:06:53,310 --> 02:06:56,470
It's just the way that this is set up.
I'm sorry.
1804
02:06:57,840 --> 02:07:01,400
Nothing against you. I've enjoyed
this evening and listening to you.
1805
02:07:01,580 --> 02:07:04,110
- Thanks. That's cool.
- Everyone, if you want to...
1806
02:07:04,280 --> 02:07:06,880
He'll be out in the lobby
if you want to meet him.
1807
02:07:07,050 --> 02:07:11,610
The quicker he goes to the lobby, you
can meet him and chitchat all you want.
1808
02:07:23,870 --> 02:07:27,170
My name's Hubert Vought,
but everyone knows me as Bucky.
1809
02:07:27,340 --> 02:07:29,810
- Bucky!
- Yeah.
1810
02:07:30,450 --> 02:07:34,140
You don't have to ask a
single fucking question now.
1811
02:07:35,850 --> 02:07:39,080
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bucky.
1812
02:07:40,020 --> 02:07:41,420
Rock the mike, Bucky.
1813
02:07:41,590 --> 02:07:43,790
I just...
1814
02:07:43,960 --> 02:07:46,990
- What was your real name?
- Hubert.
1815
02:07:55,110 --> 02:07:56,570
Bucky!
1816
02:07:59,110 --> 02:08:04,140
I think movies, in the past few years,
the quality has gone downhill.
1817
02:08:04,410 --> 02:08:07,410
- Because of me?
- No, no. Your shit's good.
1818
02:08:07,580 --> 02:08:10,820
Is that what you're getting at?
I've feared that myself.
1819
02:08:10,990 --> 02:08:15,790
What do you think, and what do you do
to make sure you make a quality flick?
1820
02:08:15,960 --> 02:08:19,420
As soon as I got into the game,
everything went to hell.
1821
02:08:19,600 --> 02:08:23,590
There was a guy that made
a movie called George Washington.
1822
02:08:23,770 --> 02:08:25,390
Did anyone see it?
1823
02:08:26,870 --> 02:08:29,100
So that's about nine?
1824
02:08:29,940 --> 02:08:33,810
In the paper the dude said...
Somebody was saying, like:
1825
02:08:33,980 --> 02:08:38,510
"There were filmmakers who came
before you, like Kevin Smith...
1826
02:08:38,680 --> 02:08:40,650
...that helped pave the way."
1827
02:08:40,820 --> 02:08:42,580
And he went off on a tear.
1828
02:08:42,750 --> 02:08:46,850
And he was just like, "Look,
that dude lowered the bar.
1829
02:08:47,020 --> 02:08:50,220
He didn't really make it easier
for us to get in.
1830
02:08:50,390 --> 02:08:54,520
He just turned filmmaking into
a kind of Special Olympics."
1831
02:08:58,400 --> 02:09:02,530
Which I couldn't be too mad at
because it was a funny line.
1832
02:09:02,710 --> 02:09:07,040
It's like, I'm leading the way of the
handicapable, you know?
1833
02:09:08,710 --> 02:09:11,680
So that dude insisted
that I lowered the bar.
1834
02:09:11,850 --> 02:09:16,050
I gave that a good think or two,
when I first read that comment.
1835
02:09:16,220 --> 02:09:18,410
I was like, "Did I lower the bar?
1836
02:09:18,590 --> 02:09:23,030
Did I get in and really fuck it up?
Did it all go south with me?"
1837
02:09:23,230 --> 02:09:24,890
And then I thought, "No."
1838
02:09:25,060 --> 02:09:28,400
Because, come on, nobody's
really seen the movies I've done.
1839
02:09:28,400 --> 02:09:29,520
Because, come on, nobody's
really seen the movies I've done.
1840
02:09:30,870 --> 02:09:33,170
Hi. My name's Tim Ruend.
1841
02:09:33,340 --> 02:09:37,670
And aesthetically speaking,
all your films...
1842
02:09:37,840 --> 02:09:41,740
There's been some criticism
as to camera movement and...
1843
02:09:41,910 --> 02:09:43,670
Are we talking about the movies?
1844
02:09:43,850 --> 02:09:47,280
I thought you were like,
"Aesthetically speaking...
1845
02:09:47,450 --> 02:09:50,350
...you've gotta lose
some fucking weight."
1846
02:09:51,450 --> 02:09:56,390
But I know you worked with Robert
Yeoman on Dogma, I think it was.
1847
02:09:56,560 --> 02:10:00,550
And I was just wondering
if there was any future plans...
1848
02:10:00,730 --> 02:10:04,100
...to maybe have a different look
to your films?
1849
02:10:04,470 --> 02:10:08,630
Not essentially.
I don't think I have a look, per se.
1850
02:10:08,810 --> 02:10:12,260
The look is dictated by
what the movie's about.
1851
02:10:12,440 --> 02:10:15,470
But I don't really
have a style, per se.
1852
02:10:15,650 --> 02:10:21,380
The first thing I read about
our work in the legitimate press...
1853
02:10:21,550 --> 02:10:24,750
...was in The Village Voice. Amy Taubin
wrote this mini-review of Clerks...
1854
02:10:24,920 --> 02:10:29,260
...when it played at the 1993
Independent Feature Film Market.
1855
02:10:29,430 --> 02:10:33,730
And she said,
"His style is that he has no style."
1856
02:10:33,900 --> 02:10:36,800
And I said, "Yeah."
So I just adopted that.
1857
02:10:36,970 --> 02:10:41,030
And I figured, that's my style.
I just don't have a style.
1858
02:10:41,200 --> 02:10:45,400
People look at a Tim Burton movie,
they're like, "That's Tim."
1859
02:10:45,580 --> 02:10:50,670
Look at a movie with no credits, you'll
find out if it's the Coen brothers.
1860
02:10:50,850 --> 02:10:54,210
Martin Scorsese, same thing.
But mine, not at all.
1861
02:10:54,380 --> 02:10:58,180
You can close your eyes and listen,
and then you'd be like:
1862
02:10:58,350 --> 02:11:02,850
"It's that guy's movies, because
somebody said 'fucking cock smoker."'
1863
02:11:03,230 --> 02:11:07,190
I've never been that big into
the visual aspect of it.
1864
02:11:07,360 --> 02:11:10,990
I get tagged for it a lot
because I bring it up a lot.
1865
02:11:11,170 --> 02:11:13,360
I believe in the philosophy of:
1866
02:11:13,540 --> 02:11:17,870
Say something negative about yourself
before somebody else has the chance.
1867
02:11:18,310 --> 02:11:21,040
If I'm like, "My movies
look like shit."
1868
02:11:21,210 --> 02:11:24,840
Then there are people
who are like, "Well, he knows."
1869
02:11:25,010 --> 02:11:28,920
Because I do that a lot,
people just go into every movie...
1870
02:11:29,090 --> 02:11:33,520
When Hollywood Reporter reviewed
Jay and Bob Strike Back...
1871
02:11:33,690 --> 02:11:38,860
...Kirk Honeycutt said, "It's a Kevin
Smith movie, so it doesn't look good."
1872
02:11:39,030 --> 02:11:44,090
That was unfair. It looked wonderful
compared to everything else we did.
1873
02:11:44,270 --> 02:11:49,000
But, I don't know. I just don't feel
the need to develop a visual style.
1874
02:11:49,170 --> 02:11:50,900
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
1875
02:11:51,070 --> 02:11:54,810
I'm just lazy, dude.
Takes too much work.
1876
02:11:54,980 --> 02:11:57,380
How much leeway do you give actors?
1877
02:11:57,550 --> 02:12:01,040
Like, you write a line for Jay
and he starts rambling.
1878
02:12:01,220 --> 02:12:05,280
Do you cut him or say, "Let him go,"
and see how it came out?
1879
02:12:05,460 --> 02:12:09,080
- I mean, all the actors you deal with.
- Is it like that?
1880
02:12:09,260 --> 02:12:11,890
- Where I ramble and ramble? No.
- Mike.
1881
02:12:12,060 --> 02:12:15,590
There's no rambling.
Usually we go over it beforehand.
1882
02:12:15,770 --> 02:12:20,700
I'll say a few things, he'll be like,
"Fuck that, no! Stick to that."
1883
02:12:20,870 --> 02:12:23,460
I'll be like, "Can I smoke?"
He'll be like, "No."
1884
02:12:23,640 --> 02:12:27,840
I'm always trying to smoke in the
scene, just so I can smoke.
1885
02:12:29,550 --> 02:12:31,910
But, no, it's not like that.
1886
02:12:32,480 --> 02:12:35,540
- How is it?
- It's like I said.
1887
02:12:36,820 --> 02:12:39,310
- We go...
- You stay to the script?
1888
02:12:39,490 --> 02:12:44,190
I add some stuff,
but I do it before we start shooting.
1889
02:12:44,360 --> 02:12:48,060
And sometimes I'll throw,
like, one word in or something...
1890
02:12:48,230 --> 02:12:52,400
"I add some shit.
Every once in a while I put in a word."
1891
02:12:52,570 --> 02:12:55,800
A word or two. But no,
I pretty much stick to the script.
1892
02:12:55,970 --> 02:12:58,600
He wants me to stick to the script,
this fuck.
1893
02:12:58,780 --> 02:13:02,640
I'm fairly dictatorial with him
and with the other guys as well.
1894
02:13:02,810 --> 02:13:08,310
Him, though, I tend to be
even more guarded with.
1895
02:13:08,480 --> 02:13:13,550
Because there's a line, a very thin
line that that character has to walk.
1896
02:13:13,720 --> 02:13:16,280
Because he could be
potentially very offensive...
1897
02:13:16,460 --> 02:13:19,050
...but for some reason winds
up being very sweet.
1898
02:13:19,230 --> 02:13:22,960
My theory about that has always
been because, like Jason himself...
1899
02:13:23,130 --> 02:13:25,790
...the character has no moral barometer.
1900
02:13:25,970 --> 02:13:29,000
Like, doesn't say things
to hurt people or to be mean.
1901
02:13:29,170 --> 02:13:32,900
Just says them because he has
no fucking clue, good or bad.
1902
02:13:33,080 --> 02:13:36,880
But he came up with a bit
of business in the last movie.
1903
02:13:37,050 --> 02:13:39,240
With every movie,
Mewes has grown better.
1904
02:13:39,420 --> 02:13:42,410
Like, in the first movie,
I wrote the script.
1905
02:13:42,590 --> 02:13:46,520
I wrote it to his intonations,
his inflections, his catch phrases...
1906
02:13:46,690 --> 02:13:50,590
...and handed it to him and said,
"Read it." I said, "What do you think?"
1907
02:13:50,760 --> 02:13:52,990
He's like, "I don't know
if I can do this."
1908
02:13:53,160 --> 02:13:55,100
I was like, "This is fucking you!"
1909
02:13:56,630 --> 02:14:01,300
And so we spent a month
teaching Jay how to be Jay.
1910
02:14:01,470 --> 02:14:04,910
Like, "Snoogans."
He's like, "Why would I say that?"
1911
02:14:05,070 --> 02:14:06,840
I'm like, "Why do you say that?"
1912
02:14:07,610 --> 02:14:11,600
But with each movie it got better.
Like, in the first movie...
1913
02:14:11,780 --> 02:14:15,270
...there's a scene where we dance
outside the convenience store.
1914
02:14:15,450 --> 02:14:18,940
We're shooting, it's 3 in the morning,
in the middle of Leonardo...
1915
02:14:19,120 --> 02:14:22,180
...fucking dead,
there's four people on the crew:
1916
02:14:22,360 --> 02:14:27,160
Me, Scott Mosier,
Dave Klein, the DP...
1917
02:14:27,330 --> 02:14:30,930
...and I think Ed was still there.
Ed was still there at that point.
1918
02:14:31,100 --> 02:14:35,040
We're about to do this sequence
where we dance in front of the store.
1919
02:14:35,200 --> 02:14:37,600
Mewes says, "I can't do it."
I said, "Why?"
1920
02:14:37,770 --> 02:14:41,070
And he's like,
"It's just all these people."
1921
02:14:42,950 --> 02:14:45,810
This is the kind of dude who,
if you know him for five minutes...
1922
02:14:45,980 --> 02:14:47,750
...he'll take his cock out.
1923
02:14:49,650 --> 02:14:51,640
The kind of dude
you're driving with...
1924
02:14:51,820 --> 02:14:54,760
...and you hear him go,
"It's chilly in here, isn't it?"
1925
02:14:54,920 --> 02:14:58,830
You look over at him
and he's got his cock hanging out...
1926
02:14:59,000 --> 02:15:02,760
...and he's leaning back,
looking at you.
1927
02:15:02,930 --> 02:15:07,300
He's like a baby. When a baby discovers
their genitalia, they're just:
1928
02:15:09,940 --> 02:15:12,200
But here he was, not dancing.
1929
02:15:12,380 --> 02:15:16,310
"What are we supposed to do?"
He's like, "Get them out of here."
1930
02:15:16,480 --> 02:15:19,310
So Mosier, Ed and Dave
went inside the convenience store.
1931
02:15:19,480 --> 02:15:24,010
Dave turned on the camera and walked
away. And he was like, "Go, I guess."
1932
02:15:24,790 --> 02:15:27,920
Then we did our thing. As we
progressed, like on Mallrats...
1933
02:15:28,090 --> 02:15:32,860
...we had a bigger crew, shooting in an
operational mall. Time, money, people.
1934
02:15:33,030 --> 02:15:36,160
And we're like, "We can't throw
50 people off the set...
1935
02:15:36,330 --> 02:15:40,270
...because you feel shy to knock
on the glass with the kitties.
1936
02:15:40,440 --> 02:15:44,740
Just do it. Just fucking dance."
And he got over it and stuff like that.
1937
02:15:46,580 --> 02:15:50,480
I don't know where the fuck
I was going with this.
1938
02:15:52,780 --> 02:15:55,340
You were saying how I progressed.
1939
02:15:57,520 --> 02:16:01,890
- You were talking about each film.
- Okay, I know where I'm going with it.
1940
02:16:02,060 --> 02:16:03,550
- I guess.
- Thanks.
1941
02:16:03,730 --> 02:16:07,090
So on Chasing Amy the dude
only worked for one day.
1942
02:16:07,260 --> 02:16:10,930
I said to the crew, the day we
were gonna shoot our scene.
1943
02:16:11,100 --> 02:16:13,030
I collected them all together,
all the keys. I'm like:
1944
02:16:13,200 --> 02:16:16,690
"Tonight we shoot with Jason Mewes.
Could be the longest night of our lives.
1945
02:16:16,870 --> 02:16:19,140
We haven't had much time
to rehearse.
1946
02:16:19,310 --> 02:16:23,300
We may have to shoot a line,
turn the camera off, rehearse...
1947
02:16:23,480 --> 02:16:26,140
...shoot that line,
and do that all night long.
1948
02:16:26,320 --> 02:16:30,480
So bear with me. Bear with him,
especially. Have patience."
1949
02:16:30,650 --> 02:16:32,550
So we go to shoot the scene.
1950
02:16:32,720 --> 02:16:35,380
Mewes whips through
all his dialogue like a pro...
1951
02:16:35,560 --> 02:16:37,820
...with the tiny bit of rehearsal
we did.
1952
02:16:37,990 --> 02:16:40,720
And then it comes to me and I'm like,
"You're chasing...
1953
02:16:40,900 --> 02:16:43,230
Fuck. Cut. What's the line?"
1954
02:16:45,270 --> 02:16:48,470
And Mosier's like, "Amy."
1955
02:16:48,640 --> 02:16:51,610
I was like, "Right. Go again."
"You're chasing Amy."
1956
02:16:51,770 --> 02:16:53,640
"What?"
"You're chasing Amy."
1957
02:16:53,810 --> 02:16:56,640
"Fuck, cut!" You know?
Couldn't remember anything.
1958
02:16:56,810 --> 02:17:00,300
Went on for 11 takes trying
to spit out that stupid speech.
1959
02:17:00,480 --> 02:17:03,750
- I think it was 12.
- Twelve takes.
1960
02:17:04,290 --> 02:17:06,810
Don't make me look like a fool, boy.
1961
02:17:06,990 --> 02:17:09,580
Twelve takes.
Making lines up as I go.
1962
02:17:09,760 --> 02:17:12,160
And Affleck's going
out of his fucking mind...
1963
02:17:12,330 --> 02:17:16,560
...because Affleck is a dude that loves
to ad-lib. Just loves to tack on shit.
1964
02:17:16,730 --> 02:17:17,990
Like when...
1965
02:17:18,170 --> 02:17:21,690
He'll do his dialogue and then
put on a little P.S. to every line.
1966
02:17:21,870 --> 02:17:26,600
In Chasing Amy, they're sitting on the
swings and she's explaining fisting.
1967
02:17:26,780 --> 02:17:32,370
And he reacts. And then she says,
"It's reserved for special occasions."
1968
02:17:32,550 --> 02:17:34,570
And he says, "Well, what about
not-so-special occasions?"
1969
02:17:34,750 --> 02:17:38,280
We're shooting. He goes,
"What about not-so-special occasions?
1970
02:17:38,450 --> 02:17:42,320
What, do you just hit her
in the fucking head with a bat?"
1971
02:17:43,360 --> 02:17:47,130
And I'm like, "Fucking cut.
What are you doing?
1972
02:17:47,760 --> 02:17:49,790
We're trying to tell a love story."
1973
02:17:49,970 --> 02:17:52,830
He's like, "Oh, yeah,
a love story with fisting in it."
1974
02:17:53,000 --> 02:17:55,060
I said, "But still,
what are you doing?"
1975
02:17:55,240 --> 02:17:57,930
He's like, "It's a funny line.
Leave it in. My peeps will love it."
1976
02:17:58,110 --> 02:18:00,510
This is '96, he had no peeps.
1977
02:18:01,110 --> 02:18:04,340
He's like, "Leave that line in.
People will love it."
1978
02:18:04,510 --> 02:18:07,510
I said, "Dude, I'm not going
to leave your shit in.
1979
02:18:07,680 --> 02:18:11,450
If you want to make up lines,
go write your own fucking script."
1980
02:18:11,620 --> 02:18:16,120
And he did that
and he won an Oscar. So...
1981
02:18:16,290 --> 02:18:20,520
So Affleck's sitting there as I make up
lines he knows are not in the script.
1982
02:18:20,700 --> 02:18:23,290
And he's like, "What happened
to no ad-libbing?"
1983
02:18:23,470 --> 02:18:28,630
I'm like, "I'm the writer. When I'm
ad-libbing, it's like another draft."
1984
02:18:29,740 --> 02:18:34,230
Dogma, though, we kept impressing on
this cat, "You've gotta be topnotch.
1985
02:18:34,410 --> 02:18:37,280
You are the strong back
that's got to carry the movie.
1986
02:18:37,450 --> 02:18:39,910
You've gotta be funny
and on cue all the time.
1987
02:18:40,080 --> 02:18:43,020
You gotta know your lines.
You can't be shy...
1988
02:18:43,190 --> 02:18:46,620
...because we got real actors
in the movie this time."
1989
02:18:46,790 --> 02:18:50,780
And he's like, "Not like Affleck?"
And I was like, "Not like Affleck."
1990
02:18:50,960 --> 02:18:53,760
He's like, "Who?"
I'm like, "We got Alan Rickman."
1991
02:18:53,930 --> 02:18:55,830
He's like, "Who the fuck's that?"
1992
02:18:56,000 --> 02:18:59,230
I said, "Alan Rickman. You know,
from Die Hard, yippee-kai-yay?"
1993
02:18:59,400 --> 02:19:02,240
He's like, "Bruce Willis?"
I said, "No."
1994
02:19:02,940 --> 02:19:05,700
"The other guy.
Alan Rickman, he's the villain."
1995
02:19:05,880 --> 02:19:07,600
He's like, "All right. So what?"
1996
02:19:07,780 --> 02:19:10,340
And I'm like, "Alan Rickman
is a British actor.
1997
02:19:10,510 --> 02:19:12,740
And British actors fucking
invented acting.
1998
02:19:12,920 --> 02:19:15,080
They will chew the scenery around you.
1999
02:19:15,250 --> 02:19:18,580
He won't put up for 'snoochie
boochies' and shit like that.
2000
02:19:18,750 --> 02:19:21,420
He needs you to be on
and fucking topnotch.
2001
02:19:21,590 --> 02:19:25,190
He's worked with the best.
You can't let a dude like this down."
2002
02:19:25,360 --> 02:19:29,590
As with all the other films, I rehearse
with all the actors separately...
2003
02:19:29,930 --> 02:19:34,800
...and Mewes I start with by himself
and then work him into the group.
2004
02:19:34,970 --> 02:19:40,880
So I sit down with Mewes to start
rehearsing. And he comes in, no script.
2005
02:19:41,040 --> 02:19:44,340
I'm like, "Where's your script?"
He said, "I don't need it."
2006
02:19:44,510 --> 02:19:46,780
I said, "What?"
He's like, "Just try me."
2007
02:19:46,950 --> 02:19:49,440
So I start reading the lines
that aren't Mewes'...
2008
02:19:49,620 --> 02:19:52,310
...and Mewes starts doing
his lines without a script.
2009
02:19:52,490 --> 02:19:56,360
I was like, "That's pretty good."
We keep going, and he knows everything.
2010
02:19:56,530 --> 02:19:58,890
I'm like, "Did you memorize
all your lines?"
2011
02:19:59,060 --> 02:20:00,930
He's like, "Everybody else's too."
2012
02:20:01,100 --> 02:20:03,290
And I said, "Bullshit!"
He said, "Try me."
2013
02:20:03,470 --> 02:20:06,630
So I read Mewes' lines
and he reads everybody else's lines.
2014
02:20:06,800 --> 02:20:08,240
Without a fucking script.
2015
02:20:08,400 --> 02:20:12,070
And I'm like, "What the fuck,
what are you, Rain Man?"
2016
02:20:14,110 --> 02:20:15,240
Hey.
2017
02:20:15,410 --> 02:20:19,970
I said, "What the fuck happened, dude?
Why did you suddenly become a genius?"
2018
02:20:20,150 --> 02:20:23,680
And he said, "I don't want
to piss off that Rickman dude."
2019
02:20:23,850 --> 02:20:28,190
By the time we got to Jay and Bob,
he was at the top of his game.
2020
02:20:28,360 --> 02:20:33,230
And not just taking direction, but
actually giving direction back to me.
2021
02:20:33,400 --> 02:20:37,130
And we were rehearsing for the lightsaber
batt... Blunt-saber battle...
2022
02:20:37,300 --> 02:20:40,360
...we can't call it "lightsaber,"
Lucasfilm will sue...
2023
02:20:40,540 --> 02:20:45,560
...blunt-saber battle, and he's got
the double-sided bong-saber.
2024
02:20:45,740 --> 02:20:48,470
It's so embarrassing.
2025
02:20:48,640 --> 02:20:52,140
He comes back into this.
And he's like, "All right. So when I..."
2026
02:20:52,310 --> 02:20:56,080
He's going, "Moves?" And I said,
"Yeah?" 'cause he calls me "Moves."
2027
02:20:56,250 --> 02:21:02,250
He said, "What if I turn it off, then
I hit it and I blow the smoke out...
2028
02:21:02,430 --> 02:21:04,550
...and I turn on and go at it again?"
2029
02:21:04,730 --> 02:21:07,660
And I looked at him like,
"That's fucking brilliant!"
2030
02:21:15,600 --> 02:21:18,540
I ask the digital guy, Joe Grossberg,
"Can we do that?"
2031
02:21:18,710 --> 02:21:21,680
He's like, "We can do anything."
I said, "Let's do it."
2032
02:21:21,840 --> 02:21:25,340
It was satisfying to watch the movie
and that moment happens...
2033
02:21:25,510 --> 02:21:27,140
...and the audience goes nuts.
2034
02:21:27,320 --> 02:21:31,340
I was like, "Holy shit!
The dude's quite an idiot savant."
2035
02:21:31,620 --> 02:21:36,720
I was wondering where you got
"snooch to the nooch."
2036
02:21:37,260 --> 02:21:40,060
And the other one, from like...
2037
02:21:40,230 --> 02:21:42,700
"Snoochie boochies."
2038
02:21:43,500 --> 02:21:45,800
Where'd they come from?
What do they mean?
2039
02:21:45,970 --> 02:21:48,660
Because you put them
in all of your movies.
2040
02:21:48,840 --> 02:21:52,570
Dude, you are the most timid
question asker I've ever met.
2041
02:21:52,740 --> 02:21:56,540
You're like, "I just want to ask...
Snoochie boochies... "
2042
02:21:57,110 --> 02:22:00,340
Come on, with authority, dude.
Get in there. Own the mike.
2043
02:22:00,520 --> 02:22:03,540
Grab it like a fucking cock
and own it, dude!
2044
02:22:07,390 --> 02:22:10,830
Go ahead. Ask again.
Just bring the thunder.
2045
02:22:10,990 --> 02:22:14,760
Where did you get "snoochie boochies"
and "snooch to the nooch"?
2046
02:22:14,930 --> 02:22:16,830
You sound like Kermit.
2047
02:22:19,800 --> 02:22:24,970
That's adorable. Grab the mike
and say, "It's not easy being green."
2048
02:22:25,140 --> 02:22:28,130
- It's not easy being green.
- I hear you.
2049
02:22:28,310 --> 02:22:31,770
Why are there so many
songs about rainbows?
2050
02:22:33,380 --> 02:22:35,180
That was good.
2051
02:22:38,350 --> 02:22:41,850
See now, bolstered by that applause
you should be like, "I own the room!
2052
02:22:42,020 --> 02:22:45,080
Fuck the fat guy and him!
Just... It's me!"
2053
02:22:45,260 --> 02:22:51,500
When this gentleman was younger,
circa 14, 15, still in high school...
2054
02:22:51,670 --> 02:22:53,330
...he used to run around...
2055
02:22:53,500 --> 02:22:56,100
- Pardon?
- Jason graduated?
2056
02:22:59,140 --> 02:23:00,610
Barely.
2057
02:23:02,580 --> 02:23:07,450
He used to say things like,
"I'm gonna fuck your mother. Neh."
2058
02:23:07,620 --> 02:23:12,250
And the urgent, panicky "neh" meant,
"I'm kidding. Don't kick my ass."
2059
02:23:12,660 --> 02:23:16,960
So "neh" one day became,
"I'm gonna fuck your mother, nooch."
2060
02:23:17,130 --> 02:23:20,690
And then it went, "I'm gonna
fuck your mother, snooch."
2061
02:23:20,860 --> 02:23:22,730
And then, "I'm gonna fuck your
mother, snoochie boochies."
2062
02:23:22,900 --> 02:23:25,830
"I'm gonna fuck your mother,
snooch to the nooch."
2063
02:23:26,000 --> 02:23:29,630
And then, "I'm gonna fuck your
mother, snikadikadikadointch."
2064
02:23:30,310 --> 02:23:33,000
- That's right?
- That's great, yeah.
2065
02:23:34,310 --> 02:23:36,970
And then eventually it went
down to "snoogins."
2066
02:23:37,150 --> 02:23:39,480
Which, I guess, covered all the bases.
2067
02:23:39,650 --> 02:23:42,520
But it was essentially, "I'm kidding."
2068
02:23:42,690 --> 02:23:45,450
And it was weird to watch
language grow like that.
2069
02:23:45,620 --> 02:23:50,320
You know, from "neh"
all the way to "snoogins."
2070
02:23:50,930 --> 02:23:52,860
That's the story.
2071
02:23:53,460 --> 02:23:55,930
What it means, I guess,
is, "Don't kick my ass."
2072
02:23:56,270 --> 02:23:58,730
- Yeah. Just kidding.
- Just kidding.
2073
02:23:58,900 --> 02:24:00,270
Just kidding.
2074
02:24:00,440 --> 02:24:04,130
- Thank you guys very much.
- You're an excellent speaker.
2075
02:24:05,140 --> 02:24:06,540
Neh.
2076
02:24:15,480 --> 02:24:18,320
How many times are you guys
gonna come to Wyoming?
2077
02:24:18,490 --> 02:24:20,480
We might as well
fucking get it on.
2078
02:24:21,720 --> 02:24:25,020
Are you...? Are you
Matthew McConaughey?
2079
02:24:33,300 --> 02:24:34,530
No.
2080
02:24:37,240 --> 02:24:40,900
Is there...? So is the question,
"Are we gonna get it on?"
2081
02:24:41,410 --> 02:24:44,680
And by "get it on,"
do you mean "smoke," or "suck cock"?
2082
02:24:44,850 --> 02:24:48,340
Not "Are we gonna get it on?"
Are we gonna fucking get it on or...?
2083
02:24:48,620 --> 02:24:52,210
Look, I am willing to get it on...
2084
02:24:52,390 --> 02:24:54,410
Whoa! Whoa!
2085
02:24:54,590 --> 02:24:58,050
- But not...
- Whoa! I think you misread me.
2086
02:24:58,530 --> 02:25:00,720
Maybe you misread me.
2087
02:25:00,900 --> 02:25:03,560
I was talking about you
sucking my dick.
2088
02:25:15,510 --> 02:25:18,240
Get your drunk ass down!
2089
02:25:19,580 --> 02:25:21,210
All right. Later.
2090
02:25:25,220 --> 02:25:28,490
Was there a question
in there somewhere?
2091
02:25:28,820 --> 02:25:31,990
All right, here's your chance.
That's a tough act to follow.
2092
02:25:32,160 --> 02:25:34,690
I totally fucking forgot
what I was going to say.
2093
02:25:34,860 --> 02:25:37,350
- Say again?
- I forgot.
2094
02:25:40,170 --> 02:25:45,070
After the show, are you guys
going to be puffing the chronics...
2095
02:25:45,240 --> 02:25:48,440
...or sitting on your asses?
- That's what he fucking asked!
2096
02:25:49,710 --> 02:25:52,110
Well, you know,
Jay makes himself out...
2097
02:25:52,280 --> 02:25:55,680
...to be such a chronic smoking
motherfucker, what's up?
2098
02:26:00,490 --> 02:26:01,580
I couldn't hear.
2099
02:26:01,760 --> 02:26:05,190
If this dude is shaking
his head at you...
2100
02:26:07,330 --> 02:26:11,990
Every question is like,
"You gonna smoke pot tonight?"
2101
02:26:12,170 --> 02:26:14,230
It's the second time
I got the question.
2102
02:26:14,400 --> 02:26:17,100
How do I get one
of them cards, you know?
2103
02:26:17,270 --> 02:26:20,640
From the show, you know?
The union card, you know?
2104
02:26:20,810 --> 02:26:23,040
Dude, that was a movie.
2105
02:26:26,080 --> 02:26:30,040
- The hair is short. I wear glasses.
- I still want the fucking card, okay?
2106
02:26:30,220 --> 02:26:31,590
All right. We'll work on that.
2107
02:26:31,590 --> 02:26:32,920
All right. We'll work on that.
2108
02:26:33,090 --> 02:26:34,750
Security.
2109
02:26:38,230 --> 02:26:39,690
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
2110
02:26:39,860 --> 02:26:42,490
I got a yes or no question.
Can you answer that?
2111
02:26:42,660 --> 02:26:45,860
- Lf you promise, I'll ask the question.
- Yeah.
2112
02:26:46,030 --> 02:26:49,730
All right. Did you or did you not
walk off with this tray?
2113
02:26:49,910 --> 02:26:51,200
No.
2114
02:26:53,080 --> 02:26:57,170
For the rest who can't see, this is one
of the recent issues of High Times.
2115
02:26:57,350 --> 02:26:59,080
Kevin Smith was on the cover.
2116
02:26:59,250 --> 02:27:00,650
Yes.
2117
02:27:01,450 --> 02:27:05,010
I didn't walk away with it, but I will
tell you something interesting.
2118
02:27:05,190 --> 02:27:06,280
That is fucking real.
2119
02:27:06,590 --> 02:27:09,890
They're like, "Would Kevin mind
doing the cover of High Times?"
2120
02:27:10,060 --> 02:27:12,580
I'm like, "Shit, no,
I'm a press whore."
2121
02:27:13,330 --> 02:27:15,850
But they kept asking if I would mind.
2122
02:27:16,030 --> 02:27:18,120
I was like, "No, why would I care?
Of course not, no."
2123
02:27:18,300 --> 02:27:21,290
And then they show up
with enough fucking weed...
2124
02:27:21,470 --> 02:27:26,430
...to get me, them and
everyone in my family put in jail...
2125
02:27:26,610 --> 02:27:30,870
...forever. Like, this was a
Midnight Express amount of weed.
2126
02:27:31,050 --> 02:27:34,410
It was fucking huge.
And I thought it was fake.
2127
02:27:34,580 --> 02:27:38,020
I was just like, "There's no way
anyone carries this much weed around.
2128
02:27:38,190 --> 02:27:40,750
Unless they're, like, Mewes."
2129
02:27:45,390 --> 02:27:47,990
I'm really dumb
when it comes to shit like that.
2130
02:27:48,160 --> 02:27:50,360
I'm not one of those people
that's like, "I smell weed."
2131
02:27:50,530 --> 02:27:53,800
I don't know the fucking smell.
I could count on...
2132
02:27:53,970 --> 02:27:57,960
...all your hands the amount
of times I've gotten high.
2133
02:27:58,140 --> 02:28:02,630
But I'm sitting there posing. It's hot,
I'm wearing a jacket and we're outside.
2134
02:28:02,810 --> 02:28:05,300
And I'm holding
this big fucking plate of weed.
2135
02:28:05,480 --> 02:28:08,920
And I'm like,
"This shit looks so real."
2136
02:28:09,320 --> 02:28:11,180
And he's like, "Yeah."
2137
02:28:13,960 --> 02:28:16,220
And I was like,
"What do you guys use?"
2138
02:28:16,390 --> 02:28:19,050
And he's like,
"What are you talking about?"
2139
02:28:19,230 --> 02:28:21,290
I was like, "This is weed?"
2140
02:28:21,460 --> 02:28:24,130
He's like, "We're High Times. "
2141
02:28:28,540 --> 02:28:30,870
And I was like, "Get the fuck
out of here! This is real?
2142
02:28:31,040 --> 02:28:35,480
You have me holding real weed
in the middle of suburbia? This much?
2143
02:28:35,640 --> 02:28:41,210
This isn't, like, personal use
or a little bit to get high with.
2144
02:28:41,380 --> 02:28:45,910
This is, like, intent
to fucking sell to China."
2145
02:28:46,960 --> 02:28:50,620
Like, "This is a lot."
And they're like, "Well, we cleared it.
2146
02:28:50,790 --> 02:28:52,820
We wanted to make sure
you were cool with it."
2147
02:28:53,000 --> 02:28:56,620
I was, "I didn't know it was gonna
be real. Can I have some?"
2148
02:28:56,800 --> 02:29:00,030
They gave us this much weed to keep.
Out of that whole plate.
2149
02:29:00,200 --> 02:29:02,800
But did you, in fact,
sell it to China?
2150
02:29:02,970 --> 02:29:04,370
No.
2151
02:29:05,210 --> 02:29:06,770
Fuck China!
2152
02:29:09,650 --> 02:29:11,880
I sold that to Mewes, though.
2153
02:29:13,620 --> 02:29:19,210
I was like, "This is excellent shit.
Four, five... Eight, $900."
2154
02:29:19,390 --> 02:29:21,290
He's like, "All right."
2155
02:29:21,890 --> 02:29:24,880
No, but they gave us
this big thing of weed.
2156
02:29:25,060 --> 02:29:26,620
Which we were kind
of terrified to have...
2157
02:29:26,800 --> 02:29:30,630
...because that, too,
was enough to get you in trouble.
2158
02:29:30,800 --> 02:29:33,130
So we were like,
"We better smoke it quick."
2159
02:29:40,080 --> 02:29:43,310
My name is Bethany,
just like the last scion in Dogma...
2160
02:29:43,480 --> 02:29:46,000
...which is my favorite movie
you guys have done.
2161
02:29:46,180 --> 02:29:49,050
Also, my boyfriend
is you guys's biggest fan.
2162
02:29:49,220 --> 02:29:52,880
And if you guys come
to the Library after the show...
2163
02:29:53,060 --> 02:29:56,650
...he will buy you drinks, I swear
to God. And then I have two...
2164
02:29:56,830 --> 02:29:59,560
- Let's just go back a second.
- Okay.
2165
02:30:01,100 --> 02:30:03,960
His name is Travis
and he's sitting in the fourth row.
2166
02:30:04,130 --> 02:30:06,400
I swear to God,
if you come to the Library...
2167
02:30:06,570 --> 02:30:09,230
But did you say,
"He is you guys's biggest fan"?
2168
02:30:09,400 --> 02:30:12,530
- He is your biggest fan, I swear!
- Do you go to school here?
2169
02:30:12,710 --> 02:30:13,870
He can...
2170
02:30:14,040 --> 02:30:17,070
- Travis, stand up, babe!
- Are you a student here?
2171
02:30:17,250 --> 02:30:20,310
- Stand up! There he is.
- Hi, hi. Sit down, sit down.
2172
02:30:20,480 --> 02:30:23,680
- He can honestly...
- Do you go...? Stop fucking talking!
2173
02:30:25,550 --> 02:30:27,390
I'm sorry!
2174
02:30:30,930 --> 02:30:33,390
- Do you go to school here?
- Yes, I do.
2175
02:30:33,700 --> 02:30:37,060
And you're majoring in anything
but English or communications.
2176
02:30:37,230 --> 02:30:39,460
I'm in architectural engineering,
actually.
2177
02:30:39,630 --> 02:30:40,690
- Really?
- Yeah.
2178
02:30:40,870 --> 02:30:44,330
- So no need for good grammar.
- None whatsoever.
2179
02:30:44,510 --> 02:30:46,340
So the boyfriend's a big fan...
2180
02:30:46,510 --> 02:30:49,810
And he will buy you guys drinks
if you meet us after the show.
2181
02:30:49,980 --> 02:30:52,110
- Okay.
- The Library Bar and Grill.
2182
02:30:52,280 --> 02:30:56,440
Absolutely. I'll be wearing
a sleeveless hooded sweatshirt...
2183
02:30:56,620 --> 02:31:00,380
...and he'll be wearing a wife-beater.
2184
02:31:00,560 --> 02:31:02,080
We'll be the ones going like:
2185
02:31:02,260 --> 02:31:06,460
"Where is that guy
who is us guys's biggest fan?"
2186
02:31:09,800 --> 02:31:14,060
I know for sure he can recite almost
every movie you guys have ever done.
2187
02:31:14,240 --> 02:31:16,500
- Is that true?
- That's true.
2188
02:31:16,670 --> 02:31:20,200
Is she embarrassing
the fuck out of you, or what?
2189
02:31:20,380 --> 02:31:23,040
He's like, "I told you not
to ask a fucking question!
2190
02:31:23,210 --> 02:31:24,970
Don't talk to me."
2191
02:31:26,480 --> 02:31:28,180
I heard through the grapevine...
2192
02:31:28,350 --> 02:31:31,950
...Jason got busted for heroin
possession on Monday. Is that true?
2193
02:31:32,120 --> 02:31:33,950
- On Monday?
- On Monday?
2194
02:31:35,590 --> 02:31:36,990
- No.
- No.
2195
02:31:37,860 --> 02:31:38,990
Anytime this week?
2196
02:31:39,160 --> 02:31:42,820
- I don't think I'd be here.
- Well, that's what I thought, but...
2197
02:31:43,000 --> 02:31:44,660
I ain't touching this one.
2198
02:31:46,270 --> 02:31:47,830
No. It's not true.
2199
02:31:48,000 --> 02:31:50,900
Okay. That's very relieving to us.
2200
02:31:51,070 --> 02:31:56,240
Lots of... Lots of rumors about me
getting caught with heroin last week.
2201
02:31:56,610 --> 02:31:58,910
Then there was, like, four months ago.
2202
02:31:59,080 --> 02:32:02,780
I just get busted
all the fucking time with heroin.
2203
02:32:02,950 --> 02:32:03,690
Gee.
2204
02:32:03,690 --> 02:32:04,280
Gee.
2205
02:32:08,020 --> 02:32:09,890
Who are you?
2206
02:32:11,460 --> 02:32:13,360
Who's shouting?
2207
02:32:13,530 --> 02:32:18,160
Is that you? Come on up, man.
Just hang out with us.
2208
02:32:19,100 --> 02:32:20,530
Come on.
2209
02:32:23,140 --> 02:32:27,040
Dude, I'm asking you on stage.
You don't have to stand there going:
2210
02:32:38,120 --> 02:32:40,380
- Kick his ass!
- Come on over.
2211
02:32:42,320 --> 02:32:44,820
- What is your name?
- Adam Miller.
2212
02:32:50,200 --> 02:32:53,830
Calm down.
Get it out of your system, dude.
2213
02:32:54,000 --> 02:32:55,770
What is it that you want
to express besides:
2214
02:32:55,940 --> 02:32:57,430
Don't do the Jay rap.
2215
02:32:57,610 --> 02:32:59,010
One thing.
2216
02:32:59,170 --> 02:33:00,610
Oh, yeah.
2217
02:33:01,880 --> 02:33:03,740
Is that it?
2218
02:33:03,910 --> 02:33:07,040
All my friends will understand.
2219
02:33:07,220 --> 02:33:09,950
Get the fuck off my stage.
2220
02:33:25,530 --> 02:33:27,000
Oh, yeah.
2221
02:33:29,240 --> 02:33:32,170
Adam, what's your mom's number?
2222
02:33:33,810 --> 02:33:36,280
- What's your mom's number?
- 907...
2223
02:33:36,440 --> 02:33:37,810
- Can we call her?
- Yeah.
2224
02:33:37,980 --> 02:33:39,380
All right.
2225
02:33:41,820 --> 02:33:44,980
Nine... 907...
2226
02:33:48,960 --> 02:33:50,290
Okay.
2227
02:33:53,260 --> 02:33:54,420
This is your mom?
2228
02:33:54,600 --> 02:33:55,890
- What?
- This is your mom?
2229
02:33:56,060 --> 02:33:57,260
- Yeah.
- You sure?
2230
02:33:57,430 --> 02:33:58,660
Yeah.
2231
02:34:02,570 --> 02:34:04,100
Hey, who's this?
2232
02:34:04,740 --> 02:34:09,040
Are you Adam's dad? I'm gonna count
to three, say "hi" to Adam, okay?
2233
02:34:09,210 --> 02:34:11,700
We're at the college gig at Wyoming.
Hold on.
2234
02:34:11,880 --> 02:34:14,610
Count three and say, "Hi, Adam."
One, two, three.
2235
02:34:15,080 --> 02:34:16,610
Hello, Adam.
2236
02:34:22,090 --> 02:34:26,050
We're at... Do you go here?
Do you go here, as well?
2237
02:34:26,230 --> 02:34:29,660
- Yeah.
- No, Adam goes here. I was asking Adam.
2238
02:34:30,130 --> 02:34:34,300
Adam is acting up, sir...
Mr. Miller.
2239
02:34:34,500 --> 02:34:35,990
Is your last name Miller?
2240
02:34:36,170 --> 02:34:39,370
Mr. Miller, Adam is acting up
so badly in the audience.
2241
02:34:39,540 --> 02:34:41,740
He's calling attention to himself...
2242
02:34:41,910 --> 02:34:44,610
...shouting,
throwing his hands in the air...
2243
02:34:44,780 --> 02:34:48,040
...and acting, frankly,
like he's been doing the pot.
2244
02:34:54,960 --> 02:34:56,580
What's that?
2245
02:34:56,960 --> 02:35:01,400
Can I...? I'm gonna count to three,
can you chastise your son for us?
2246
02:35:02,600 --> 02:35:04,690
Okay, on the count of three.
2247
02:35:04,870 --> 02:35:07,430
One, two, three.
2248
02:35:08,000 --> 02:35:10,200
Straighten up, Adam.
2249
02:35:12,740 --> 02:35:14,610
Thank you, Mr. Miller.
2250
02:35:14,780 --> 02:35:16,840
Good night. Bye-bye.
2251
02:35:25,420 --> 02:35:28,950
Someone's getting a beating.
2252
02:35:30,360 --> 02:35:34,020
I was just wondering,
in all the Cousin Walter stories...
2253
02:35:34,200 --> 02:35:38,660
...and the oral sex stories in Chasing
Amy, did those actually happen?
2254
02:35:38,830 --> 02:35:41,930
Or did you just think of those
on your own?
2255
02:35:48,110 --> 02:35:51,340
You're asking me if I ever tried
to suck my own dick?
2256
02:35:52,180 --> 02:35:55,010
- In a roundabout way, yeah.
- Right.
2257
02:35:58,490 --> 02:36:00,650
"I really want
to ask him a question...
2258
02:36:00,820 --> 02:36:03,850
...but I don't want to come off
like a fag."
2259
02:36:04,660 --> 02:36:07,560
Have I ever...? Yeah, I've tried
to suck my own dick.
2260
02:36:08,960 --> 02:36:11,730
There's not much more
you could say, beyond that.
2261
02:36:11,900 --> 02:36:14,460
And that's when I knew
I could never be gay.
2262
02:36:14,640 --> 02:36:18,870
I wouldn't know what to say to a dude
after he busted a loaf in my mouth.
2263
02:36:20,210 --> 02:36:23,610
And that's not a condemnation.
I'm all for people being gay.
2264
02:36:23,780 --> 02:36:26,770
Personally, for me,
I just would not know what to say.
2265
02:36:26,950 --> 02:36:29,010
It would be socially awkward for me.
2266
02:36:29,180 --> 02:36:30,650
To just be like:
2267
02:36:42,230 --> 02:36:44,700
"What do you want to do now?"
You know?
2268
02:36:44,870 --> 02:36:48,830
Just don't have any pillow talk ready
for that situation.
2269
02:36:49,000 --> 02:36:52,200
But yeah, I tried.
When I was thinner.
2270
02:36:52,670 --> 02:36:56,040
Now it's like
I'd be sucking my own gut.
2271
02:36:58,210 --> 02:37:00,980
What about the oral sex stories?
2272
02:37:01,150 --> 02:37:03,010
The chipped tooth,
the scraped knees in the car?
2273
02:37:03,180 --> 02:37:04,580
No.
2274
02:37:04,820 --> 02:37:08,050
I'm a real...
I'm not, like, an exciting fuck.
2275
02:37:08,220 --> 02:37:12,130
So most of my shit takes place
safely on the confines of a mattress.
2276
02:37:12,290 --> 02:37:13,820
And nothing ever got hurt.
2277
02:37:14,000 --> 02:37:17,830
I did get wounded once
in a sexual situation...
2278
02:37:18,000 --> 02:37:21,700
...but it was long after the movie. So
it was more like life imitating art...
2279
02:37:21,870 --> 02:37:23,600
...but it didn't have
anything to do with oral.
2280
02:37:23,770 --> 02:37:27,070
I had met my wife,
she interviewed me for USA Today.
2281
02:37:27,240 --> 02:37:28,300
She used to work for USA Today.
2282
02:37:28,480 --> 02:37:31,410
They told me, "A journalist's
gonna come interview you."
2283
02:37:31,580 --> 02:37:34,310
It was because of Ben and Matt,
in a roundabout way.
2284
02:37:34,480 --> 02:37:37,650
There was a period where,
when Good Will Hunting came out...
2285
02:37:37,820 --> 02:37:41,920
...everyone fucking loved it. And then
when it's heading toward the Oscars...
2286
02:37:42,090 --> 02:37:44,790
...other studios start trying
to fucking torpedo it.
2287
02:37:44,960 --> 02:37:47,790
There was a rumor going around
that William Goldman...
2288
02:37:47,960 --> 02:37:50,930
...the screenwriter who had written
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...
2289
02:37:51,100 --> 02:37:54,690
... The Princess Bride,
and a famous script doctor...
2290
02:37:54,870 --> 02:37:58,460
...that he had written
most of Good Will Hunting.
2291
02:37:58,640 --> 02:38:00,510
People were trying to take the credit
from Ben and Matt.
2292
02:38:00,680 --> 02:38:04,010
There was a rumor I had written
some of Good Will Hunting...
2293
02:38:04,180 --> 02:38:06,170
...because I was
an executive producer.
2294
02:38:06,350 --> 02:38:09,110
The Miramax people said,
"Can you do an interview?
2295
02:38:09,280 --> 02:38:12,720
We can't have Ben and Matt be like,
'lt's not true. '
2296
02:38:12,890 --> 02:38:13,880
It sounds too defensive.
2297
02:38:14,120 --> 02:38:17,990
If you say you didn't write it,
William Goldman didn't...
2298
02:38:18,160 --> 02:38:20,820
...and as long as you've known about
the script, Ben and Matt wrote it."
2299
02:38:21,000 --> 02:38:23,830
It's true. I read it long before
Miramax got involved.
2300
02:38:24,000 --> 02:38:26,660
It's always been their script.
I said, "All right."
2301
02:38:26,840 --> 02:38:29,960
They said, "We'll set you up
with a USA Today journalist...
2302
02:38:30,140 --> 02:38:34,130
...named Jennifer Schwalbach." I've
interviewed with a lot of journalists...
2303
02:38:34,310 --> 02:38:38,110
...in particular at USA Today,
and they're all 40 to 50, usually guys.
2304
02:38:38,280 --> 02:38:41,410
And the women I've met,
they look kind of like my mother.
2305
02:38:41,580 --> 02:38:43,140
You know, they're matronly.
2306
02:38:43,320 --> 02:38:46,520
Nobody fucking looks like Lois Lane.
That's the one thing I've noticed.
2307
02:38:46,690 --> 02:38:49,420
I do a lot of interviews
and I'm never like:
2308
02:38:49,590 --> 02:38:52,390
"Lois, I come from a planet
far... " You know.
2309
02:38:52,560 --> 02:38:55,190
Because they all look like my mom.
2310
02:38:56,630 --> 02:38:59,960
So I'm like, "Send her. I'll be at the
hotel." Because I was in Los Angeles.
2311
02:39:00,130 --> 02:39:01,620
We were in pre-production
on Dogma...
2312
02:39:01,800 --> 02:39:03,860
...but I was out in Los Angeles
rehearsing with Chris Rock...
2313
02:39:04,040 --> 02:39:08,240
...because he was doing
Lethal Weapon...
2314
02:39:08,410 --> 02:39:10,640
... 99? 19?
2315
02:39:11,180 --> 02:39:14,580
The one with fucking
Murtaugh and Riggs.
2316
02:39:16,120 --> 02:39:18,280
And Riggs is crazy.
2317
02:39:23,530 --> 02:39:26,050
So I'm out there rehearsing
with Chris Rock...
2318
02:39:26,230 --> 02:39:31,190
...and I break to do my interview.
I wait for this chick...
2319
02:39:31,370 --> 02:39:33,800
...and she shows up, and it's
the person who will become my wife.
2320
02:39:33,970 --> 02:39:38,200
It's this stunning young woman.
And I was so fucking blown away.
2321
02:39:38,370 --> 02:39:41,570
I was like, "What...?" I thought
somebody had sent a hooker to my room.
2322
02:39:41,740 --> 02:39:45,610
I'm like, "Why would a beautiful girl
be at my door?
2323
02:39:45,780 --> 02:39:49,080
This must be a prank." But she was
like, "I'm here to interview you."
2324
02:39:49,250 --> 02:39:52,190
And I was like,
"Get out of here. You?"
2325
02:39:52,350 --> 02:39:56,380
I couldn't not talk about the fact
that I was blown away...
2326
02:39:56,560 --> 02:39:58,150
...somebody so young
was working at USA Today...
2327
02:39:58,330 --> 02:40:02,130
...because USA Today is the most
widely-read newspaper in the universe.
2328
02:40:02,300 --> 02:40:04,060
It goes to every fucking country.
2329
02:40:04,230 --> 02:40:07,030
What you see in America
is what you see in Germany...
2330
02:40:07,200 --> 02:40:10,170
...which is what you see
in France and Poland.
2331
02:40:10,340 --> 02:40:13,470
No matter what they write,
it shows up everywhere...
2332
02:40:13,640 --> 02:40:15,370
...in every edition of USA Today
across the planet.
2333
02:40:15,540 --> 02:40:17,440
So I was like, "That's fucked up."
2334
02:40:17,610 --> 02:40:21,740
I was about to start directing my
fourth film, but I felt like a slacker.
2335
02:40:21,920 --> 02:40:25,980
Because here's this woman
in her mid-20s working at USA Today.
2336
02:40:26,190 --> 02:40:28,160
I felt like I hadn't
accomplished anything.
2337
02:40:28,320 --> 02:40:31,190
So I was like, "Can you get me
a job at USA Today?
2338
02:40:31,360 --> 02:40:33,420
Because then
I will feel accomplished."
2339
02:40:33,600 --> 02:40:36,060
I interviewed for two hours.
2340
02:40:36,230 --> 02:40:38,820
Then afterwards we just sat around
bullshitting for three hours.
2341
02:40:39,000 --> 02:40:42,800
I dug her and we got along well,
but I didn't know if she liked me.
2342
02:40:42,970 --> 02:40:46,370
And I didn't even think I liked her,
because I'm not like that.
2343
02:40:46,540 --> 02:40:50,410
I don't get around a pretty girl and
be like, "I'm gonna make the move."
2344
02:40:50,580 --> 02:40:53,840
I have no self-confidence.
I can't read signals or anything.
2345
02:40:54,020 --> 02:40:57,710
For all I knew, she was being nice
to me because she interviewed me.
2346
02:40:57,890 --> 02:41:01,380
I also went in thinking she was trying
to get dirt on Ben and Matt.
2347
02:41:01,560 --> 02:41:06,020
So I was on my defensive. But then that
went away and we were just chatting.
2348
02:41:06,190 --> 02:41:11,000
Before she left, she said, "You got a
Web board? You answer questions on it?"
2349
02:41:11,170 --> 02:41:12,720
I said, "Yeah, all the time."
2350
02:41:12,900 --> 02:41:14,600
She said, "If I post on it,
would you answer a question?"
2351
02:41:14,770 --> 02:41:17,640
I said, "Yeah. I would. I'll do it."
2352
02:41:17,810 --> 02:41:21,640
A couple weeks later she put up a post.
I responded to it on the board...
2353
02:41:21,810 --> 02:41:25,370
...and her e-mail was attached
so we started an e-mail relationship.
2354
02:41:25,550 --> 02:41:27,450
That went to a phone relationship.
2355
02:41:27,620 --> 02:41:30,210
I was in Pittsburgh
and she was in Los Angeles.
2356
02:41:30,390 --> 02:41:35,320
And they told me that I had to go to
the Spirit Awards, the indie Oscars...
2357
02:41:35,490 --> 02:41:37,890
...because Chasing Amy
was nominated for three:
2358
02:41:38,060 --> 02:41:41,190
Best Picture, Best Screenplay, and
Best Supporting Actor, for Jason Lee.
2359
02:41:41,360 --> 02:41:42,850
And I didn't want to go.
2360
02:41:43,030 --> 02:41:45,900
We'd been nominated for Clerks
and didn't win anything.
2361
02:41:46,070 --> 02:41:49,630
So I was like, "There's no point.
Plus, I'm in heavy pre-production."
2362
02:41:49,800 --> 02:41:53,370
And the Spirit people said,
"You really, really should show up."
2363
02:41:53,540 --> 02:41:57,030
And I was like, "That means I'll win
an award. Fuck it, I'm going."
2364
02:41:57,210 --> 02:42:01,740
So Jen had been covering the award
circuit pretty heavily that year.
2365
02:42:01,920 --> 02:42:06,680
She was covering Golden Globes,
the Blockbuster Movie Awards.
2366
02:42:06,850 --> 02:42:08,220
The DGA, the WGA.
2367
02:42:08,390 --> 02:42:11,190
She was gonna be covering the Oscars.
So I called her up and I was like:
2368
02:42:11,360 --> 02:42:14,760
"I'm gonna go to the Spirit Awards,
are you covering it?"
2369
02:42:14,930 --> 02:42:18,700
She said, "No. That's the only
award ceremony I'm not covering."
2370
02:42:18,870 --> 02:42:24,100
She says, "Why?" I was like,
"'Cause I don't know anybody in L.A."
2371
02:42:24,270 --> 02:42:26,930
And she said, "I'll go
if you want me to."
2372
02:42:27,110 --> 02:42:31,940
I said, "Would you? Not as a date,
but would you just show up?" "Yeah."
2373
02:42:32,110 --> 02:42:35,910
So she showed up and when we got
there I was backstage all day...
2374
02:42:36,080 --> 02:42:39,780
...'cause I was presenting.
Once I finally got to sit down...
2375
02:42:39,950 --> 02:42:44,360
...I won for screenplay and I had to
go up and accept and do the press line.
2376
02:42:44,530 --> 02:42:50,120
So by the end of the night, everyone
cleared out and it was me and her.
2377
02:42:50,300 --> 02:42:53,600
We were driving, and she said,
"What do you want to do?"
2378
02:42:53,770 --> 02:42:56,900
I said, "I'd like to get out of
these clothes."
2379
02:42:57,070 --> 02:42:59,160
And she's like:
"Get out."
2380
02:42:59,340 --> 02:43:02,740
And I was like, "Not like that."
I was wearing a suit, but...
2381
02:43:02,910 --> 02:43:06,810
...wanted to wear something
nice like this instead.
2382
02:43:06,980 --> 02:43:09,970
She's like, "My apartment is
scummy and I didn't clean up."
2383
02:43:10,150 --> 02:43:11,950
I said, "It don't matter, I'm just
gonna put on some clothes."
2384
02:43:12,120 --> 02:43:14,710
We went to her place.
I changed, and we went out to eat.
2385
02:43:14,890 --> 02:43:19,420
We wound up just hanging out.
I was supposed to catch a plane...
2386
02:43:19,590 --> 02:43:23,460
And then shit started to get smooth.
2387
02:43:26,930 --> 02:43:30,700
I can't remember how it happened.
There was no booze involved...
2388
02:43:30,870 --> 02:43:32,640
...which I was very proud of.
2389
02:43:32,810 --> 02:43:34,930
Sometimes I look at her and think:
2390
02:43:35,110 --> 02:43:37,910
"You'd have to be drunk
to fuck me, right?"
2391
02:43:38,080 --> 02:43:42,020
But she wasn't. We were talking
about how I have a tattoo.
2392
02:43:42,180 --> 02:43:44,850
And she was like, "Let me see it!"
2393
02:43:45,020 --> 02:43:49,250
I said, "No. I don't show anybody
my tattoo because it's on my arm.
2394
02:43:49,420 --> 02:43:52,950
I don't take my shirt off, ever."
And she said, "Well, ever?"
2395
02:43:53,130 --> 02:43:58,760
"I leave my shirt on in the shower.
I never, never take my shirt off."
2396
02:43:58,930 --> 02:44:02,990
She's like, "Well, I'll trade you. Show
me and I'll give you something."
2397
02:44:03,170 --> 02:44:05,260
I said, "Like what?"
2398
02:44:05,440 --> 02:44:09,270
You know, at this point,
devil and angel show up...
2399
02:44:09,440 --> 02:44:13,570
...and the devil's like,
"Head. Head. Ask for head."
2400
02:44:15,980 --> 02:44:19,350
And the angel's like, "Play it cool.
Don't be a pig."
2401
02:44:19,520 --> 02:44:23,720
Which I wouldn't be anyway. So I said,
"Let me see your driver's license."
2402
02:44:23,890 --> 02:44:28,230
"No, I'm never going to show anybody
my license. I look so stupid."
2403
02:44:28,400 --> 02:44:33,930
"My ears are just popping out." I said,
"But I'm a real big fan of your ears."
2404
02:44:34,100 --> 02:44:40,470
And she was like, "Really?" And I said,
"Yeah. They're, like, Dumbo ears."
2405
02:44:43,240 --> 02:44:46,340
Which could have really
gone either way.
2406
02:44:46,510 --> 02:44:49,780
But she was just like,
"That's kind of sweet."
2407
02:44:49,950 --> 02:44:54,050
I was like, "I do. I dig your ears.
That's your best feature.
2408
02:44:54,220 --> 02:45:00,720
Your ears are very striking. I'll show
you my tat if I can touch your ears."
2409
02:45:00,900 --> 02:45:03,230
And she said, "All right."
2410
02:45:03,400 --> 02:45:06,990
And I'm thinking,
"I'm gonna get laid tonight."
2411
02:45:07,300 --> 02:45:10,270
She comes and sits next to me,
I pull up my sleeve.
2412
02:45:10,440 --> 02:45:15,030
I have a long-sleeved shirt on, so it
takes 10 minutes to pull up my sleeve.
2413
02:45:15,210 --> 02:45:18,940
My arm flab is hanging out the sides
and I show her my tattoo.
2414
02:45:19,110 --> 02:45:23,350
She said, "That's so sweet." I said,
"Let me touch your ears now."
2415
02:45:23,520 --> 02:45:27,250
I touch her ears, first time I'm
actually touching her body...
2416
02:45:27,420 --> 02:45:30,080
...and I was immediately hard.
2417
02:45:30,360 --> 02:45:33,690
But she don't know that
'cause I'm wearing jeans.
2418
02:45:33,860 --> 02:45:37,020
She stays on the couch
and we're just chatting.
2419
02:45:37,200 --> 02:45:40,130
At one point she just kind of
lays in my lap.
2420
02:45:40,300 --> 02:45:44,290
She's like, "I'm so tired." I was
like, "Why don't you lay down?"
2421
02:45:44,470 --> 02:45:47,810
So she lays down in my lap,
you know, face up.
2422
02:45:49,940 --> 02:45:55,580
So I'm sitting there and she's
sitting kind of under my gut...
2423
02:45:55,750 --> 02:46:01,480
...and I'm having to, like,
pull my shit aside to see her eyes.
2424
02:46:02,420 --> 02:46:06,050
So she's laying with her head in my lap
and I'm like:
2425
02:46:06,230 --> 02:46:10,190
"I gotta be an idiot not to go for it."
'Cause I don't know.
2426
02:46:10,360 --> 02:46:13,660
As far as I know,
maybe she's just friendly...
2427
02:46:13,830 --> 02:46:18,200
...one of those physically friendly
people and if I try to kiss her...
2428
02:46:18,370 --> 02:46:24,440
...she's gonna be like, "Ew, no! I just
like to lay my head in people's laps."
2429
02:46:24,650 --> 02:46:27,710
Then finally I was like,
"You know, fuck it."
2430
02:46:27,880 --> 02:46:31,480
So we're looking at each other
and I lean down and we kiss.
2431
02:46:31,650 --> 02:46:34,920
And I was like,
"Holy shit, I think she likes me!"
2432
02:46:35,090 --> 02:46:41,590
So we re-position on the couch
and start pretty heavily making out.
2433
02:46:41,760 --> 02:46:47,630
And she starts grinding into me,
like, she starts dry humping me.
2434
02:46:47,800 --> 02:46:51,800
And I'm like, "I am fucking definitely
getting laid tonight!"
2435
02:46:57,140 --> 02:47:00,670
But the problem is,
she is grinding into me so hard...
2436
02:47:00,850 --> 02:47:04,010
...and my dick is in
such an awkward position...
2437
02:47:04,190 --> 02:47:07,310
...that the inside of the zipper
of my jeans...
2438
02:47:09,590 --> 02:47:14,050
...is grinding against
the back of my dick.
2439
02:47:14,460 --> 02:47:18,900
So here's, like, you know, here's the...
Here's my dick.
2440
02:47:26,010 --> 02:47:28,700
Gotta be honest. Here's my dick.
2441
02:47:28,880 --> 02:47:31,850
This is the top, here's the back.
2442
02:47:32,010 --> 02:47:37,210
Like this is the front, and then
there's like the cut here, and then...
2443
02:47:37,390 --> 02:47:42,950
So this area right here, you know,
under the hood... The hood kind of...
2444
02:47:43,120 --> 02:47:48,590
You know, the collar goes away
when you get hard.
2445
02:47:48,760 --> 02:47:53,530
Here is this getting just driven
into the fucking zipper...
2446
02:47:53,700 --> 02:47:57,660
...through my underwear.
Bang, bang, bang. Scraping.
2447
02:47:57,840 --> 02:48:01,100
And I'm sitting there making out,
and I'm of two minds:
2448
02:48:01,280 --> 02:48:05,110
"This is awesome. I can't put a
stop to this because who knows...
2449
02:48:05,280 --> 02:48:10,380
...where it's gonna go.
This could be my first one-night stand.
2450
02:48:10,580 --> 02:48:15,920
Am I going to complain that it hurts?"
The other side was like, "Fucking ow!"
2451
02:48:18,960 --> 02:48:22,050
And in my mind's eye,
I'm just seeing it as...
2452
02:48:22,230 --> 02:48:24,820
...the fucking thing is falling off.
2453
02:48:25,000 --> 02:48:30,560
But I don't want to say anything
'cause it's going so well.
2454
02:48:30,740 --> 02:48:34,110
She says, "Don't you have to
catch a plane?"
2455
02:48:34,280 --> 02:48:40,370
"Well, I was supposed to, but I'd be
happy to stay. All night.
2456
02:48:40,550 --> 02:48:44,420
We don't have to do anything.
I could sleep on the couch.
2457
02:48:44,590 --> 02:48:49,520
I just don't really want to go. I'm
into sitting here making out with you."
2458
02:48:49,690 --> 02:48:52,850
She's like "All right,"
and we go back to making out.
2459
02:48:53,030 --> 02:48:56,430
She stands up, says, "Do you want
to come into the bedroom?"
2460
02:48:56,600 --> 02:48:58,430
"Yes."
2461
02:48:59,070 --> 02:49:02,130
We go into the bedroom,
she lights some candles...
2462
02:49:02,300 --> 02:49:05,140
...she goes into her bathroom,
closes the door.
2463
02:49:05,310 --> 02:49:07,470
Immediately I'm like:
2464
02:49:07,640 --> 02:49:10,700
'Cause I want to see
how bad the damage is.
2465
02:49:10,880 --> 02:49:13,440
And it's fucking bad.
2466
02:49:14,150 --> 02:49:18,710
It looks like... Under the tip of...
Bear with me.
2467
02:49:18,890 --> 02:49:24,850
Under the tip of the back of my cock
looks like a bullet wound.
2468
02:49:26,390 --> 02:49:30,330
It looked like somebody took a 9
and was like:
2469
02:49:30,730 --> 02:49:34,360
And at this point I have
an open sore on my cock.
2470
02:49:35,140 --> 02:49:41,600
The thing they warn you about
in phys. Ed. From 1987 forward:
2471
02:49:42,280 --> 02:49:46,300
Never have sex with an open wound.
In all those years of school and...
2472
02:49:46,480 --> 02:49:50,110
...health education, I was like,
"Who would ever do that?"
2473
02:49:50,280 --> 02:49:52,550
I'm about to do it.
2474
02:49:52,790 --> 02:49:56,240
There's no way I'm gonna say no.
She seems cool.
2475
02:49:56,420 --> 02:49:59,790
Maybe she's got VD, maybe she don't.
I don't care.
2476
02:49:59,960 --> 02:50:04,420
I'm so wrapped up in the moment and
the pain, I'm putting the pain away...
2477
02:50:04,600 --> 02:50:06,930
...trying to do Taoist theory on it.
2478
02:50:07,130 --> 02:50:11,900
"To be great is to go on, is to go
forward, is to return... " you know.
2479
02:50:12,110 --> 02:50:16,770
She comes out, sexy shit on.
We go to the bed, we start making out.
2480
02:50:16,940 --> 02:50:20,900
My clothes start coming off.
I start blowing out candles.
2481
02:50:26,750 --> 02:50:30,850
'Cause she starts reaching for my
shirt. I'm like:
2482
02:50:31,030 --> 02:50:34,320
I know if she gets one look,
it's all over.
2483
02:50:34,530 --> 02:50:39,190
We start fooling around. Then suddenly,
the moment of truth, man.
2484
02:50:39,370 --> 02:50:43,170
I'm like, "Do I just stop?
Should I stop? No, fuck it."
2485
02:50:43,340 --> 02:50:45,130
And I'm inside.
2486
02:50:45,310 --> 02:50:49,170
And it was like sticking my dick
in battery acid.
2487
02:50:50,640 --> 02:50:54,580
It just hurt so fucking much.
And I was just like:
2488
02:50:58,290 --> 02:51:01,520
'Cause I'm a real
I-lay-on-the-bed kind of guy.
2489
02:51:01,690 --> 02:51:06,220
Because if I'm on top
and I lose my balance...
2490
02:51:07,060 --> 02:51:09,330
She's fucking dead.
2491
02:51:11,200 --> 02:51:13,360
"Are you all right?
2492
02:51:13,570 --> 02:51:18,600
Do you have any friends we could call,
come pick me up?"
2493
02:51:19,270 --> 02:51:22,240
So she's on the top
and she's going to town...
2494
02:51:22,410 --> 02:51:27,900
...and I'm in agony, but I'm like,
"No way I'm putting a stop to it."
2495
02:51:28,080 --> 02:51:32,990
And finally it came to an end and we
spent the night in each other's arms.
2496
02:51:33,150 --> 02:51:38,820
A year later, we were married. Sweet
story. So after we're married...
2497
02:51:38,990 --> 02:51:42,390
After we're married for,
I don't know, about a month...
2498
02:51:42,560 --> 02:51:46,230
...we were chitchatting about
the origin of our relationship.
2499
02:51:46,400 --> 02:51:49,030
And I was like, "Did you know...
2500
02:51:50,540 --> 02:51:57,030
...that the first time we had sex,
I was sporting an open wound?"
2501
02:51:57,650 --> 02:52:01,550
And she was like,
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"
2502
02:52:01,720 --> 02:52:04,840
"The first time we had sex,
I had an open wound."
2503
02:52:05,020 --> 02:52:07,080
"What are you, fucking nuts?"
2504
02:52:07,250 --> 02:52:12,280
"Why would you tell me that now?
What are you, some kind of pig?"
2505
02:52:12,460 --> 02:52:15,490
I said, "You created the open wound."
2506
02:52:15,660 --> 02:52:19,570
She said, "How?"
"All the fucking dry humping."
2507
02:52:19,730 --> 02:52:22,330
"And you still went through with it?"
"Yeah."
2508
02:52:22,500 --> 02:52:25,530
"Why?"
And I was like, "'Cause I love you."
2509
02:52:33,080 --> 02:52:37,020
With just a Matty Damon,
Academy Award-winning performance.
2510
02:52:37,180 --> 02:52:39,450
She said, "That is so sweet."
2511
02:52:39,620 --> 02:52:45,820
She got a little glassy-eyed. Cut back
to a year before, I was like, "Ow! Ow!"
2512
02:52:45,990 --> 02:52:50,760
Wasn't really doing it for love, more:
"Holy shit, this chick's fucking me!
2513
02:52:50,930 --> 02:52:53,230
And I just met her."
2514
02:52:53,430 --> 02:52:55,100
So that's the worst...
2515
02:52:55,270 --> 02:52:58,430
- I'll never work that into a script...
- Oh, come on.
2516
02:52:58,610 --> 02:53:01,130
I just did it here and shit.
2517
02:53:01,310 --> 02:53:04,570
Everyone here would see the movie
and be like, "Heard it."
2518
02:53:04,750 --> 02:53:09,580
"He's talking about his wife. She cut
his dick wide open before they met.
2519
02:53:09,750 --> 02:53:13,690
Did a real Lorena Bobbitt on him
and he still fucked her.
2520
02:53:13,850 --> 02:53:17,310
Because his options are limited."
2521
02:53:17,490 --> 02:53:21,950
But that was the worst kind of sexual
experience that I ever had.
2522
02:53:22,130 --> 02:53:24,720
- But I married the chick, so it's okay.
- Thanks.
2523
02:53:24,930 --> 02:53:30,530
You're welcome.
Thanks for making me expose some...
2524
02:53:35,740 --> 02:53:39,870
Just flashing on the moment your
parents are writing tuition checks:
2525
02:53:40,050 --> 02:53:44,140
"I wonder what the 5000-dollar
student-activity fund fee is for?"
2526
02:53:44,320 --> 02:53:48,910
So you can sit here and listen to how
I cut my fucking cock open.
2527
02:53:51,990 --> 02:53:54,480
- Kevin, my name is Jackie Busek.
- Yes.
2528
02:53:54,660 --> 02:53:58,190
We all love the few lines
Silent Bob does say in each movie.
2529
02:53:58,370 --> 02:54:02,600
But we love even more the few dance
moves you show off in Clerks...
2530
02:54:02,770 --> 02:54:05,670
...and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
2531
02:54:10,080 --> 02:54:15,740
And I was just wondering if you'd
show us some of those smooth moves.
2532
02:54:22,960 --> 02:54:23,950
Moves!
2533
02:54:24,220 --> 02:54:27,680
- See, this is where I draw the line.
- Come on!
2534
02:54:27,860 --> 02:54:30,960
I'll stand up here and answer
questions.
2535
02:54:31,170 --> 02:54:33,400
Come on, we all want you to do it!
2536
02:54:33,600 --> 02:54:36,130
No, 'cause that's... No, no, wait!
2537
02:54:43,940 --> 02:54:49,280
No, because that's... That would be
kind of dehumanizing to me.
2538
02:54:49,450 --> 02:54:52,650
'Cause I'd feel like a dancing chimp
at that point.
2539
02:54:52,820 --> 02:54:56,420
Like, "Dance, little monkey!"
2540
02:54:57,720 --> 02:55:02,020
- I gotta maintain a little dignity.
- Just for a couple seconds?
2541
02:55:02,200 --> 02:55:04,160
- Just what?
- A couple seconds, even.
2542
02:55:04,360 --> 02:55:06,630
A couple of... No.
2543
02:55:07,730 --> 02:55:10,570
'Cause once you start, how do you stop?
2544
02:55:10,740 --> 02:55:14,570
I do that and then somebody else
is like, "Hey, drop your pants!"
2545
02:55:14,780 --> 02:55:20,210
"Do it! We're paying you enough!
Drop your pants!" You know?
2546
02:55:20,380 --> 02:55:24,010
No. That you really don't want.
2547
02:55:25,450 --> 02:55:28,820
But no, dancing I don't do.
I don't do dancing.
2548
02:55:29,090 --> 02:55:32,150
- All right. Thank you, though.
- All right, good try.
2549
02:55:32,330 --> 02:55:33,320
Oh, fuck you!
2550
02:55:36,700 --> 02:55:42,190
You act like I broke her heart, man.
She's like, "Dance, fat boy!
2551
02:55:42,370 --> 02:55:46,640
Me and my friends
want to see you jiggle.
2552
02:55:46,810 --> 02:55:50,000
Do the chunk shuffle, bitch!"
2553
02:55:56,880 --> 02:55:58,410
I'll dance with you!
2554
02:55:59,590 --> 02:56:04,420
This is the sad thing. You know
Woody Allen doesn't go through this.
2555
02:56:04,590 --> 02:56:08,050
It's not like, "Back when we made
Manhattan..."
2556
02:56:08,230 --> 02:56:12,790
"Dance! Fucking dance, Woody!
2557
02:56:12,970 --> 02:56:15,730
Do the Soon-Yi!"
2558
02:56:19,510 --> 02:56:19,970
It's Chap Stick.
2559
02:56:19,970 --> 02:56:21,670
It's Chap Stick.
2560
02:56:27,450 --> 02:56:30,140
- What was that?
- Somebody outside.
2561
02:56:30,320 --> 02:56:32,550
- Really?
- There's a balcony up there.
2562
02:56:32,720 --> 02:56:33,740
Let them in.
2563
02:56:38,660 --> 02:56:40,350
Fuck them, I paid!
2564
02:56:40,560 --> 02:56:42,550
- What's that?
- I paid for this.
2565
02:56:42,730 --> 02:56:44,490
Somebody let me in!
2566
02:56:47,600 --> 02:56:49,230
Are you all right?
2567
02:56:51,540 --> 02:56:54,630
I'm outside, I need somebody
to let me in!
2568
02:56:57,910 --> 02:57:00,540
- Come on.
- Let him in, come on.
2569
02:57:09,820 --> 02:57:11,420
Do you need help?
2570
02:57:13,490 --> 02:57:14,820
With what?
2571
02:57:15,430 --> 02:57:18,130
My friend has tickets! He's inside!
2572
02:57:18,300 --> 02:57:19,700
With Ren and Stimpy?
2573
02:57:22,940 --> 02:57:26,300
Tim! Where are you, Tim?
2574
02:57:26,510 --> 02:57:32,070
Don't talk to them. Talk to me.
I made Clerks.
2575
02:57:41,890 --> 02:57:44,080
How many?
2576
02:57:44,760 --> 02:57:45,850
Five, now.
2577
02:57:46,060 --> 02:57:50,160
"Five, now"?
Is the group getting bigger?
2578
02:57:50,330 --> 02:57:53,600
You have a... What?
You want to suck me off?
2579
02:57:58,040 --> 02:58:01,770
I have no control over
whether you can come in or not.
2580
02:58:01,940 --> 02:58:03,140
I am powerless.
2581
02:58:03,340 --> 02:58:06,780
- Please, for the love of God. We paid!
- What?
2582
02:58:06,950 --> 02:58:10,180
- They paid.
- Tim has their tickets.
2583
02:58:11,150 --> 02:58:14,280
- Tim has the tickets? Tim?
- Yeah, Tim!
2584
02:58:14,490 --> 02:58:17,320
Tim?
2585
02:58:17,490 --> 02:58:19,890
Is Tim around?
2586
02:58:21,230 --> 02:58:22,490
Is that Tim?
2587
02:58:26,100 --> 02:58:30,630
Put your head up here, right here!
Put your head up here, goddamn it!
2588
02:58:41,180 --> 02:58:43,980
You're not Tim, are you?
2589
02:58:45,720 --> 02:58:46,810
Is Tim around?
2590
02:58:48,860 --> 02:58:51,690
Tim doesn't exist!
2591
02:58:51,990 --> 02:58:56,490
We're trying to get you free, hold on.
Hold on.
2592
02:58:57,000 --> 02:58:58,560
- I have one!
- I got one!
2593
02:59:03,000 --> 02:59:05,100
Take shallow breaths.
2594
02:59:06,440 --> 02:59:10,600
- We're closing off the compartment.
- They're gonna let us in!
2595
02:59:10,810 --> 02:59:14,650
- We got two tickets!
- You got tickets? Bring them on up.
2596
02:59:14,920 --> 02:59:19,650
- The guy's got our ticket!
- One, two, three, four, five.
2597
02:59:19,820 --> 02:59:23,480
Can I...? I'll take one.
We have five tickets.
2598
02:59:34,670 --> 02:59:37,360
Can we let them in? Who's in charge?
2599
02:59:37,540 --> 02:59:40,230
I don't dare open that door.
2600
02:59:41,240 --> 02:59:42,540
Make them dance!
2601
02:59:42,710 --> 02:59:47,010
- Somebody has breached the door.
- Now we got to find five seats!
2602
02:59:47,180 --> 02:59:50,340
Make them dance? Genius.
2603
03:00:04,430 --> 03:00:07,870
- Dance, monkey boys!
- Dance, boys!
2604
03:00:08,770 --> 03:00:12,570
Hold on. We're gonna spring it
on them. Come up here.
2605
03:00:12,740 --> 03:00:16,800
These guys too? Come on up.
2606
03:00:18,280 --> 03:00:22,080
- This is an honor. Sincerely.
- Hey, man, how are you?
2607
03:00:22,250 --> 03:00:24,980
Come on up.
Where are the other three?
2608
03:00:26,590 --> 03:00:27,780
Tim?
2609
03:00:27,950 --> 03:00:30,890
- Tim Rothfield! Anyone?
- That's it. You guys, five?
2610
03:00:31,060 --> 03:00:33,530
- He ditched you.
- These cats got you tickets.
2611
03:00:33,690 --> 03:00:36,180
It wasn't me. I said...
2612
03:00:41,600 --> 03:00:44,070
We're not trying to steal the show.
2613
03:00:44,240 --> 03:00:45,230
Good. You're...
2614
03:00:45,410 --> 03:00:49,210
- Make them dance!
- Drop your pants!
2615
03:00:49,380 --> 03:00:52,110
Show them your cock!
2616
03:00:52,510 --> 03:00:57,420
These guys demand that since they
got you in, they want you to dance.
2617
03:00:57,580 --> 03:01:00,140
- I need music.
- Can we have some music?
2618
03:01:00,350 --> 03:01:04,760
From when Silent Bob and Jay
dance outside...
2619
03:01:04,930 --> 03:01:09,420
- You don't get to request the music.
- I'm sorry. Just any music, man.
2620
03:01:33,690 --> 03:01:36,850
All right, it's over.
Fun time's over. Back to work.
2621
03:01:37,020 --> 03:01:41,020
Thanks for the tickets!
We're not trying to steal the show.
2622
03:01:46,900 --> 03:01:49,370
I really feel like we
did some good today.
2623
03:01:51,810 --> 03:01:54,170
Just real quick.
You haven't touched on it...
2624
03:01:54,340 --> 03:01:57,040
...and I don't know how many
people know about it.
2625
03:01:57,240 --> 03:02:00,210
In the middle of June,
you were up in Minneapolis...
2626
03:02:00,380 --> 03:02:05,320
...filming a documentary for Prince
that as far as I've heard...
2627
03:02:05,490 --> 03:02:09,920
...is never gonna see the light of day.
Can you shed a little light on that?
2628
03:02:10,390 --> 03:02:14,450
We were trying to get a Prince song
for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back...
2629
03:02:14,660 --> 03:02:18,320
...where Shannon Elizabeth's character
comes into the restaurant...
2630
03:02:18,500 --> 03:02:23,200
...the song "The Most Beautiful Girl
in the World," but we got no response.
2631
03:02:23,370 --> 03:02:25,570
Then one day I got a call
at the office.
2632
03:02:25,740 --> 03:02:28,830
They said, "Prince's office called.
He wants to speak to you."
2633
03:02:29,010 --> 03:02:31,840
"Holy shit! Fucking Pr...
His Royal Badness?"
2634
03:02:32,580 --> 03:02:37,810
'Cause I'm a Prince fan. So I said,
"I'm gonna call him back."
2635
03:02:37,980 --> 03:02:41,750
So I call him up and they answer,
and they're like:
2636
03:02:41,920 --> 03:02:45,590
"Prince isn't available right now,
but he does want to speak to you...
2637
03:02:45,760 --> 03:02:48,960
...so sit by the phone
and we'll call you back."
2638
03:02:49,160 --> 03:02:51,060
So I'm like, "All right."
2639
03:02:53,170 --> 03:02:54,860
Ring.
2640
03:02:55,040 --> 03:02:58,630
And I wait and wait and wait.
About 15, 20 minutes later...
2641
03:02:58,810 --> 03:03:02,640
...somebody calls. And they're like,
"Is Kevin there?" "This is he."
2642
03:03:02,810 --> 03:03:07,870
"Kevin, hi. I'm calling from Prince's
office. He'll call you in 25 minutes."
2643
03:03:08,050 --> 03:03:10,520
I said, "Awesome. All right, bye."
2644
03:03:10,680 --> 03:03:12,910
25 minutes later,
phone rings.
2645
03:03:13,090 --> 03:03:16,320
"Is Kevin there?
This is Trevor in Prince's office.
2646
03:03:16,490 --> 03:03:19,550
Prince will be calling you in
19 minutes."
2647
03:03:19,730 --> 03:03:22,520
And I said, "This is genius."
2648
03:03:24,160 --> 03:03:28,160
Because it sounds like they have shit
well-scheduled, 19 minutes...
2649
03:03:28,340 --> 03:03:31,070
...but then again,
this is the third time he called.
2650
03:03:31,240 --> 03:03:34,640
So I said, "Hey, man, just a
question. When I talk to the guy...
2651
03:03:34,810 --> 03:03:38,470
...can I...? Do you call him Prince?
Do I call him Artist?
2652
03:03:38,650 --> 03:03:41,140
You know, what do you
call him? Jack?"
2653
03:03:41,310 --> 03:03:44,680
And he said, "He's back to Prince.
Call him Prince."
2654
03:03:44,850 --> 03:03:47,050
I sit around,
I get another phone call:
2655
03:03:47,220 --> 03:03:51,180
"Prince wants to call you tonight at
home. Can we have that number?"
2656
03:03:51,360 --> 03:03:54,090
I give it to him.
I go home and I'm like:
2657
03:03:54,260 --> 03:03:57,720
"Prince is calling! Everybody get
away from the phone!"
2658
03:03:57,900 --> 03:03:59,460
The kid wants to play...
2659
03:03:59,630 --> 03:04:03,030
...l'm like, "Go away,
Prince is calling."
2660
03:04:03,200 --> 03:04:06,600
So I wait and the phone rings
and I get Trevor again:
2661
03:04:06,770 --> 03:04:09,110
"Prince is gonna be calling
in five minutes."
2662
03:04:09,280 --> 03:04:11,740
"I am so ready for this call."
2663
03:04:11,910 --> 03:04:14,780
Phone rings again
and I hear his fucking voice.
2664
03:04:14,950 --> 03:04:17,510
He's just like, "Kevin?"
And I said, "Prince?"
2665
03:04:19,390 --> 03:04:23,950
Because that's his name.
And he said, "How you doing?"
2666
03:04:24,120 --> 03:04:27,250
I said, "I'm excellent. How are you?"
He said, "Very good."
2667
03:04:27,430 --> 03:04:29,920
"I just want to tell you
I'm a huge fan."
2668
03:04:30,100 --> 03:04:33,860
He goes, "Likewise." "Really?"
"Oh, yeah. Particularly Dogma. "
2669
03:04:34,030 --> 03:04:36,730
He's like, "Would you like to
do something together?"
2670
03:04:36,900 --> 03:04:41,400
"Yeah, what do you want to do?"
I'm thinking he wants to do a musical.
2671
03:04:41,710 --> 03:04:45,140
But it's not the musical
that he wants to do, necessarily.
2672
03:04:45,310 --> 03:04:51,610
He starts talking about Dogma:
"I really enjoyed Dogma...
2673
03:04:51,790 --> 03:04:55,280
...I thought it was incredible.
I thought the message was great."
2674
03:04:55,460 --> 03:04:58,910
He went on at great lengths about it.
I'm listening to him...
2675
03:04:59,090 --> 03:05:02,390
...and it's starting not to sound like
the movie I made.
2676
03:05:02,560 --> 03:05:05,590
A little bit. He's got
the character names down...
2677
03:05:05,770 --> 03:05:08,430
...but there's things he's
talking about that I'm like:
2678
03:05:08,600 --> 03:05:11,090
"I didn't say that
in the movie, did I?"
2679
03:05:11,270 --> 03:05:14,730
Like, "Hold on." I'm going to
rewind the movie.
2680
03:05:17,110 --> 03:05:23,610
He starts talking more and more
about spirituality, religion, faith.
2681
03:05:23,780 --> 03:05:26,880
It becomes very apparent
over the course of a half-hour...
2682
03:05:27,050 --> 03:05:30,150
...Prince is way into Jesus.
Like, really into Jesus.
2683
03:05:30,360 --> 03:05:35,350
He's always had one foot in the
corporeal, one foot in the spiritual.
2684
03:05:35,530 --> 03:05:38,360
He sings about "Darling Nikki,"
but he also sings about God.
2685
03:05:38,530 --> 03:05:43,470
But it felt like the pendulum swung
far away from nookie...
2686
03:05:44,570 --> 03:05:46,900
...right into the Son of God.
2687
03:05:47,070 --> 03:05:50,870
And I... You know, I'm thinking
I can talk smack to this dude...
2688
03:05:51,040 --> 03:05:55,240
...but he doesn't want to hear from
language. At one point he says:
2689
03:05:55,420 --> 03:05:57,080
"I'll put you an example."
2690
03:05:57,250 --> 03:06:01,480
He's sitting there ministering
to me at a certain point.
2691
03:06:01,650 --> 03:06:04,890
But I'm not going to say anything
'cause it's Prince.
2692
03:06:05,060 --> 03:06:07,420
So he's like, "I'll give you an example.
2693
03:06:07,590 --> 03:06:13,590
You make movies with cursing in them."
I said, "Yeah."
2694
03:06:13,770 --> 03:06:18,570
And he said, "Can you make a movie
without cursing in it?"
2695
03:06:18,740 --> 03:06:22,270
I said, "Yeah, I guess.
But why bother?"
2696
03:06:22,440 --> 03:06:25,000
And he said, "Do you understand...
2697
03:06:25,210 --> 03:06:28,810
...that cursing offends some people?
Vulgarity offends people."
2698
03:06:28,980 --> 03:06:32,680
I said, "Yeah." And he goes,
"Do you mean to offend people?"
2699
03:06:32,850 --> 03:06:37,790
I said, "No, no." And he's like,
"But you still do it anyway?" "Yeah."
2700
03:06:37,960 --> 03:06:42,660
He's going, "Okay, we're gonna put you
over here." I was like, "Where?"
2701
03:06:42,830 --> 03:06:47,530
And I, you know, I can't see him,
but I think he went like this:
2702
03:06:47,700 --> 03:06:51,860
And I really want to know what
over here is, but he doesn't explain.
2703
03:06:52,040 --> 03:06:54,370
He gets very cryptic like that.
2704
03:06:54,540 --> 03:06:58,810
He's like, "Kevin, if a big snake
gives birth to a little snake...
2705
03:06:58,980 --> 03:07:03,350
...what is that little snake gonna
grow up to be?" "A big snake?"
2706
03:07:04,220 --> 03:07:05,210
He's like, "Right.
2707
03:07:05,390 --> 03:07:09,620
That snake gives birth to a snake.
What's that gonna grow to be?"
2708
03:07:09,820 --> 03:07:13,310
And I said, "Big snake."
2709
03:07:13,490 --> 03:07:16,550
He said, "Exactly, you gotta
know who your father is."
2710
03:07:16,760 --> 03:07:18,860
And I'm like...
2711
03:07:24,670 --> 03:07:29,770
I don't know what that fucking means.
So I'm like, "I hear you. I hear you."
2712
03:07:32,150 --> 03:07:37,140
He's like, "So you wanna do this?"
I'm like, "Yeah, what are we doing?"
2713
03:07:37,320 --> 03:07:40,810
He said, "I have this thing
called 'the Celebration'...
2714
03:07:41,020 --> 03:07:45,080
...where I'm gonna debut
my new album for a bunch of fans.
2715
03:07:45,290 --> 03:07:48,160
They come to Paisley Park,
we have an event.
2716
03:07:48,330 --> 03:07:52,060
Then we're gonna have parties
where people hear the album.
2717
03:07:52,270 --> 03:07:56,790
I want to make a movie that we can
bring to the Cannes Film Festival."
2718
03:07:57,000 --> 03:07:58,870
I said, "Really?"
He said, "Yeah."
2719
03:07:59,070 --> 03:08:02,630
"Like a concert film?" I'm saying.
He's like, "Kind of...
2720
03:08:02,840 --> 03:08:06,300
...but I want to do bold things.
I want to put up the words:
2721
03:08:06,510 --> 03:08:10,510
'Jesus Christ is the Son Of God, '
and let them deal with it."
2722
03:08:10,720 --> 03:08:14,650
And I'm like, "Well, I already
made that movie, kind of."
2723
03:08:14,990 --> 03:08:17,790
But I didn't say that
because it's Prince.
2724
03:08:17,960 --> 03:08:19,950
I said, "That's fucking bold!"
2725
03:08:20,160 --> 03:08:23,860
He said, "What did I say about
cursing?" I said, "I got you."
2726
03:08:24,060 --> 03:08:28,330
He said, "You free to come do this?"
I said, "Yeah, absolutely."
2727
03:08:28,500 --> 03:08:31,160
He said, "I'll let you know
when we're doing it."
2728
03:08:31,370 --> 03:08:34,030
I was like, "Shit,
that's fucking great!"
2729
03:08:34,240 --> 03:08:35,800
I go and tell everyone.
2730
03:08:36,010 --> 03:08:39,880
Mosier goes, "Did you ask
about the song for the movie?"
2731
03:08:40,080 --> 03:08:43,050
And I was like, "No, fuck, I forgot!"
2732
03:08:43,250 --> 03:08:46,150
I was like, "Should I just
call him again?
2733
03:08:46,350 --> 03:08:49,120
Aren't we kind of
friends at this point?"
2734
03:08:49,320 --> 03:08:51,810
He says, "Find out
if we can use the song."
2735
03:08:52,030 --> 03:08:56,790
I call him the next day and I was
like, "Hey, Prince, it's Kevin.
2736
03:08:57,000 --> 03:09:02,060
Listen, we talked a lot and I look
forward to this thing we're gonna do...
2737
03:09:02,240 --> 03:09:05,070
...but we're making
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back...
2738
03:09:05,240 --> 03:09:08,830
...and it has the dudes
who were in Dogma, remember?
2739
03:09:09,040 --> 03:09:13,100
I needed to use 'The Most
Beautiful Girl in the World. '
2740
03:09:13,310 --> 03:09:18,410
I want to put it in this one scene."
And he goes, "No."
2741
03:09:18,580 --> 03:09:22,320
I said, "No?" He said,
"I'm gonna have to pass on that."
2742
03:09:22,490 --> 03:09:27,790
He's like, "You can use the Time song,"
which he owns the publishing for.
2743
03:09:27,960 --> 03:09:33,300
And I said, "All right. Bye." You know?
I was like, "That's so fucking weird."
2744
03:09:33,500 --> 03:09:36,370
The dude said, "Come shoot
a documentary for me."
2745
03:09:36,570 --> 03:09:39,330
Then I'm like, "Can I have
one of your songs?"
2746
03:09:39,540 --> 03:09:41,630
He's like, "No."
2747
03:09:41,840 --> 03:09:44,740
I thought people
gave each other things.
2748
03:09:44,940 --> 03:09:48,110
But I don't say anything
because it's Prince.
2749
03:09:48,310 --> 03:09:53,650
So it's time to go up there and I'm
in the midst of editing the movie...
2750
03:09:53,820 --> 03:09:57,380
...we're getting to crunch time.
Many things are going on...
2751
03:09:57,560 --> 03:10:01,650
...the last thing in the world
I should do is go to Minnesota.
2752
03:10:01,860 --> 03:10:05,420
But I'm like, "Fuck it.
Once in a lifetime chance.
2753
03:10:05,630 --> 03:10:08,790
It's fucking Prince, I gotta go."
I grab the wife...
2754
03:10:09,000 --> 03:10:12,660
...jump on the plane. We go
to Minnesota. I get out there...
2755
03:10:12,870 --> 03:10:17,330
...and I meet with his producer,
this great woman named Stephanie.
2756
03:10:17,540 --> 03:10:22,340
And Stephanie's like, "He's on-stage
talking to a bunch of people.
2757
03:10:22,550 --> 03:10:24,450
He'll tell you what he wants."
2758
03:10:24,650 --> 03:10:28,450
I go in and he's sitting
on the stage and he's very small.
2759
03:10:28,650 --> 03:10:33,020
He looks big on-stage, but he's
very small. But he's decked out.
2760
03:10:33,190 --> 03:10:37,220
He's wearing clothes that look
like somebody just sewed them.
2761
03:10:37,430 --> 03:10:41,800
Like an outfit, like he's
in a play, doing Shakespeare.
2762
03:10:42,000 --> 03:10:45,060
Not like nice clothes like this.
2763
03:10:45,270 --> 03:10:47,400
And he's in heels, of course.
2764
03:10:47,610 --> 03:10:51,980
I'm like, "He's in heels. It's casual
time and he's in heels."
2765
03:10:52,150 --> 03:10:56,240
I always thought, around
the house, he's wearing kicks.
2766
03:10:56,450 --> 03:11:02,320
So we start talking. He tells me about
his beefs with the music industry.
2767
03:11:02,490 --> 03:11:06,420
And you can't follow him,
he's jumping topic to topic.
2768
03:11:06,590 --> 03:11:10,590
And I'm like, "Uh-huh. I don't
know what he's saying. What?"
2769
03:11:10,800 --> 03:11:16,290
And he's talking, at one point,
"Anybody can take a song and record it."
2770
03:11:16,470 --> 03:11:19,630
I was like, "Really?"
He's like, "It happened to Chaka Khan."
2771
03:11:19,840 --> 03:11:22,640
He's like, "Whitney Houston
recorded, 'I'm Every Woman. '
2772
03:11:22,840 --> 03:11:27,440
Chaka didn't want that, Chaka mad."
I'm like, "Chaka mad?"
2773
03:11:28,350 --> 03:11:31,110
He's like, "Chaka real mad."
2774
03:11:33,150 --> 03:11:38,060
I'm trying to figure out what I'm
supposed to do about Chaka being mad.
2775
03:11:38,260 --> 03:11:42,460
He's like, "I want you to shoot
people's reaction to the album.
2776
03:11:42,660 --> 03:11:46,150
Let them listen to it and
you have them talk about it.
2777
03:11:46,330 --> 03:11:50,560
And then I want to talk about religion
and lead that into race...
2778
03:11:50,740 --> 03:11:53,360
...and lead it into
the music biz and radio.
2779
03:11:53,540 --> 03:11:57,170
At the end of the week,
I want to change the world."
2780
03:11:57,340 --> 03:12:01,780
I'm like, "I'm in the middle of making
a dick-and-fart-joke movie.
2781
03:12:01,950 --> 03:12:05,150
I'm not prepared to change my
underwear, let alone the world.
2782
03:12:05,320 --> 03:12:09,880
I don't think I can... I don't...
I don't... All right."
2783
03:12:10,060 --> 03:12:14,120
He's like, "All right, I'll see
you tomorrow." And he takes off.
2784
03:12:14,290 --> 03:12:17,990
I look at Stephanie, I was like,
"Can we go outside?"
2785
03:12:18,160 --> 03:12:21,730
I was like, "I can't do this!
I don't know what he wants!
2786
03:12:21,900 --> 03:12:25,700
I can't change the world.
I'm not a documentarian.
2787
03:12:25,870 --> 03:12:28,970
Did you see the movies I make?
I don't make documentaries.
2788
03:12:29,140 --> 03:12:32,910
Documentaries are made by people
who come up with the idea...
2789
03:12:33,080 --> 03:12:37,110
...and see it through, shoot it
themselves and interview people...
2790
03:12:37,280 --> 03:12:39,720
...because it's something
personal to them.
2791
03:12:39,890 --> 03:12:44,150
He's very personal and passionate
about these issues. I'm not.
2792
03:12:44,320 --> 03:12:48,590
Chaka mad. I'm sorry, but there's
nothing I can do about that."
2793
03:12:48,760 --> 03:12:52,990
She's like, "Calm down."
And she's like, "What can you do?"
2794
03:12:53,170 --> 03:12:55,960
I said, "If Prince wants
a movie about...
2795
03:12:56,140 --> 03:12:59,660
...a couple guys hanging
around a mall...
2796
03:12:59,840 --> 03:13:03,210
...like, I'm your guy,
but I can't make a documentary."
2797
03:13:03,380 --> 03:13:06,440
She's like, "But he really
wants you to do it."
2798
03:13:06,610 --> 03:13:11,710
And I was like, "I don't understand.
I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.
2799
03:13:11,880 --> 03:13:15,790
Can you explain it to him?
Just go in there and tell him.
2800
03:13:15,960 --> 03:13:19,890
I'll go back to Los Angeles
and tell him no harm, no foul."
2801
03:13:20,060 --> 03:13:24,260
She's like, "Kevin, let me explain
something to you about Prince.
2802
03:13:24,430 --> 03:13:28,800
I've been working with Prince for many
years and I can't go tell him...
2803
03:13:28,970 --> 03:13:32,130
...that you can't shoot
this documentary."
2804
03:13:32,310 --> 03:13:38,370
She's like, "Prince doesn't comprehend
things the way you and I do."
2805
03:13:38,540 --> 03:13:42,110
I was like, "What do you mean?"
She was like, "Well...
2806
03:13:42,280 --> 03:13:47,010
...Prince has been living in Prince
World for quite some time now."
2807
03:13:48,590 --> 03:13:54,320
She's like, "So Prince will come to us
periodically and say things like:
2808
03:13:54,490 --> 03:14:00,160
'lt's 3 in the morning in
Minnesota. I really need a camel.
2809
03:14:02,000 --> 03:14:03,530
Go get it. '
2810
03:14:03,700 --> 03:14:06,540
And then we try
to explain to Prince, like:
2811
03:14:06,710 --> 03:14:12,610
'Prince, it's 3:00 in the morning
in Minnesota, it's January...
2812
03:14:12,780 --> 03:14:14,540
...and you want a camel.
2813
03:14:14,710 --> 03:14:20,310
That is not physically
or psychologically possible. '
2814
03:14:21,620 --> 03:14:24,350
And Prince says, 'Why?"'
2815
03:14:24,520 --> 03:14:26,550
I'm like, "Is he an asshole?"
2816
03:14:26,730 --> 03:14:28,960
She's like, "He's not malicious
when he does it.
2817
03:14:29,130 --> 03:14:33,000
He just doesn't understand
why he can't get what he wants.
2818
03:14:33,170 --> 03:14:36,190
He doesn't understand why someone
can't process a request...
2819
03:14:36,370 --> 03:14:39,900
...like a camel at 3
in the morning in Minnesota."
2820
03:14:40,340 --> 03:14:42,710
I was like, "That's not my problem.
2821
03:14:42,880 --> 03:14:46,440
I can't do what he wants.
I don't know what to do."
2822
03:14:46,610 --> 03:14:50,550
She said, "You'd be doing me
a huge favor if you tell him that."
2823
03:14:50,720 --> 03:14:53,150
I was like, "All right, I'll tell him.
2824
03:14:53,320 --> 03:14:56,620
Somebody's got to deal with him.
He'll understand."
2825
03:14:56,790 --> 03:15:00,950
So I go in there and he's on-stage
and then he comes back down.
2826
03:15:01,130 --> 03:15:06,290
He's like, "What's the matter?" I was
like, "How do you want to shoot this?"
2827
03:15:07,130 --> 03:15:09,260
He's like, "Whatever you want."
2828
03:15:09,440 --> 03:15:12,770
I said, "I don't know
if I can shoot this thing.
2829
03:15:12,940 --> 03:15:15,930
Since it's a documentary,
it should come from you.
2830
03:15:16,110 --> 03:15:18,580
I'd be kind of a third wheel.
2831
03:15:18,740 --> 03:15:22,110
It's, like, you've got the crew
and you have the idea...
2832
03:15:22,280 --> 03:15:25,270
...and I'd basically be there,
what, to do what?
2833
03:15:25,450 --> 03:15:27,650
There's nothing for me to do."
2834
03:15:27,820 --> 03:15:30,790
He said, "I need you
to be my representation.
2835
03:15:30,960 --> 03:15:33,750
You have to go and
communicate my message."
2836
03:15:37,660 --> 03:15:41,330
I said, "If you want me
to communicate 'Let's Go Crazy. '
2837
03:15:41,930 --> 03:15:45,500
Let's get nuts.
Like, let's slip on a purple banana...
2838
03:15:45,670 --> 03:15:48,900
...till they put us in the truck.
I can do that.
2839
03:15:49,080 --> 03:15:51,810
I've listened to that album.
If you want me...
2840
03:15:51,980 --> 03:15:55,310
...to start talking about Jesus,
I did that.
2841
03:15:55,480 --> 03:16:00,980
I got a lot of death threats. So I'm
not too keen to go in there and do it."
2842
03:16:01,150 --> 03:16:04,850
He's like, "You'll do a great job."
Walks away.
2843
03:16:05,020 --> 03:16:10,090
I'm like, "Oh, my God. I don't know
how to make a fucking documentary."
2844
03:16:10,260 --> 03:16:14,390
So I go in the next day,
and we're shooting in the atrium.
2845
03:16:14,570 --> 03:16:16,470
Everybody sits down and shit.
2846
03:16:16,640 --> 03:16:20,590
They're listening to albums
in other rooms in Paisley Park.
2847
03:16:20,770 --> 03:16:22,870
They bring them into the atrium...
2848
03:16:23,040 --> 03:16:27,210
...with the high ceilings, and there's
a cage with doves in it.
2849
03:16:27,380 --> 03:16:32,910
You're sitting there listening to what
it sounds like when fucking doves cry.
2850
03:16:33,520 --> 03:16:38,890
'Cause they won't shut up. People are
coming in, and I'm standing there...
2851
03:16:39,060 --> 03:16:43,150
...with two guys with cameras
and their Nagra equipment.
2852
03:16:43,330 --> 03:16:47,600
And I'd say about 20% of them,
as they walk in, are like:
2853
03:16:49,570 --> 03:16:51,730
"It's Silent Bob."
2854
03:16:53,170 --> 03:16:56,110
I was the last person
they expected to see.
2855
03:16:56,280 --> 03:16:59,710
Like, "What the fuck
is Silent Bob doing here?
2856
03:16:59,880 --> 03:17:03,680
Is he a fan? What's with the cameras?
What's going on?"
2857
03:17:03,850 --> 03:17:07,050
I'm like, "I don't even know
what's going on!"
2858
03:17:07,220 --> 03:17:10,850
So I'm like, "We'll talk
about what you've just heard."
2859
03:17:11,020 --> 03:17:13,960
I don't introduce myself.
2860
03:17:14,130 --> 03:17:17,290
I said, "We'll talk about
what you just listened to...
2861
03:17:17,460 --> 03:17:20,590
...and see where the topic
takes us." We start talking.
2862
03:17:20,770 --> 03:17:24,400
Everybody wants to talk about religion,
the album's theme.
2863
03:17:24,570 --> 03:17:27,940
It's kind of one story
throughout the whole album.
2864
03:17:28,110 --> 03:17:31,800
Heavily steeped in faith
and spirituality.
2865
03:17:31,980 --> 03:17:34,840
So people start getting up in arms.
2866
03:17:35,010 --> 03:17:39,920
Some people said, "It's his best work.
It's the promise he showed on Lovesexy.
2867
03:17:40,090 --> 03:17:42,020
It's the next level for Prince.
2868
03:17:42,190 --> 03:17:46,420
I love all the three to four minute hits,
but this is tremendous."
2869
03:17:46,590 --> 03:17:50,860
Other people were going,
"We know Prince is a Jehovah's Witness."
2870
03:17:51,030 --> 03:17:54,760
I'm sitting there going,
"Prince is a Jehovah's Witness?
2871
03:17:54,930 --> 03:17:57,490
Since when? Now?
2872
03:17:58,200 --> 03:18:02,000
Because he didn't try
to sell me a Watchtower once."
2873
03:18:06,280 --> 03:18:09,910
So he's going,
"I printed up a bunch of facts...
2874
03:18:10,080 --> 03:18:14,820
...about Jehovah's Witness that Prince
should read. It's important stuff.
2875
03:18:14,990 --> 03:18:17,650
He should know
that he's being bilked."
2876
03:18:17,820 --> 03:18:21,050
I'm like, "What else
is everyone thinking?"
2877
03:18:21,230 --> 03:18:26,190
I'm trying to lead the discussion, but
everyone wants to talk about religion.
2878
03:18:26,370 --> 03:18:30,270
Some are incensed because it's
a literal translation of the Bible...
2879
03:18:30,440 --> 03:18:36,380
...which means that the order of things
is God, man, women, children, animals.
2880
03:18:36,540 --> 03:18:40,770
Some women were like, "I don't
go in for this man, woman shit.
2881
03:18:40,950 --> 03:18:43,640
I don't want to be led by any man."
2882
03:18:43,820 --> 03:18:46,280
I'm trying to control the fires.
2883
03:18:46,450 --> 03:18:48,980
Somebody comes up
behind me and says...
2884
03:18:49,150 --> 03:18:53,680
...whispers in my ear, "Prince wants
you to stop talking about religion."
2885
03:18:53,860 --> 03:18:58,730
I'm like, "What do you mean Prince wants
me to stop talking about religion?
2886
03:18:58,900 --> 03:19:03,060
That's what they want. Where is he?"
They're like, "He's not here."
2887
03:19:03,240 --> 03:19:06,400
I said, "How does he know
I'm talking about religion?"
2888
03:19:06,570 --> 03:19:11,200
She's like, "He'd just...
He'd prefer if you stop. He knows."
2889
03:19:14,310 --> 03:19:16,840
I said, "How am I supposed
to change topic?
2890
03:19:17,020 --> 03:19:20,540
Be like, 'Hey, who likes pie? '
you know, instead of...
2891
03:19:22,050 --> 03:19:24,780
They listened to an album
about religion.
2892
03:19:24,960 --> 03:19:28,690
What can I tell you?
If he wants it to not be about...
2893
03:19:28,860 --> 03:19:33,060
If he wants it to be something else,
he should get his ass here."
2894
03:19:33,230 --> 03:19:35,220
She said, "I just told you."
2895
03:19:35,400 --> 03:19:40,030
So people are talking, I'm looking
around while they're speaking.
2896
03:19:40,210 --> 03:19:46,370
There's a sign in the atrium that says:
"The atrium: redone in 19... "
2897
03:19:46,550 --> 03:19:51,180
Then there's a piece of factoid
about the atrium that says:
2898
03:19:51,350 --> 03:19:55,720
"Like every room in the building,
this room is wired for sound...
2899
03:19:55,890 --> 03:19:59,220
...so Prince can record
anywhere he likes."
2900
03:19:59,390 --> 03:20:03,290
Which means that if Prince
is sitting in the shitter...
2901
03:20:03,460 --> 03:20:06,400
...and he wants
to write "Raspberry Beret"...
2902
03:20:06,900 --> 03:20:12,130
...he can do it and record it while
taking a shit without leaving the room.
2903
03:20:12,300 --> 03:20:14,500
Every room is wired for sound.
2904
03:20:14,670 --> 03:20:17,970
I'm reading that going,
"Now, that's interesting..."
2905
03:20:19,550 --> 03:20:24,240
No wonder the motherfucker heard me.
Every room is wired for sound.
2906
03:20:24,420 --> 03:20:28,820
I'm like, "God, did he hear me say
'He should get his ass here'?"
2907
03:20:29,490 --> 03:20:33,250
He might have, because I'm talking
to the person talking...
2908
03:20:33,430 --> 03:20:35,920
...and I see Prince materialize.
2909
03:20:36,100 --> 03:20:39,390
Not out of thin air,
but suddenly, he's there.
2910
03:20:40,430 --> 03:20:45,460
I'm like, "Holy shit, he's coming to
yell at me in front of these people."
2911
03:20:45,640 --> 03:20:48,630
So I made him part of it.
"What do you think?"
2912
03:20:48,810 --> 03:20:52,570
Everyone's like, "It's Prince!"
He comes and sits down.
2913
03:20:52,750 --> 03:20:58,620
He's listening to the group and letting
me lead it. Then he starts joining in.
2914
03:20:58,780 --> 03:21:03,480
If you know Prince, he's solitary.
He likes to stay apart from people.
2915
03:21:03,660 --> 03:21:08,250
But he starts joining in, gets real
into it. And I start hanging back.
2916
03:21:08,430 --> 03:21:10,520
I go in the back and watch it.
2917
03:21:10,700 --> 03:21:13,930
So I'm appreciating Prince
talking to these people...
2918
03:21:14,100 --> 03:21:18,590
...about spirituality and then
about how radio sucks nowadays.
2919
03:21:18,770 --> 03:21:23,300
Nobody owns the air over his head
so why can't they play shit he wants?
2920
03:21:23,480 --> 03:21:25,100
He's going everywhere.
2921
03:21:25,280 --> 03:21:28,710
And I'm like,
"This is brilliant. I'd watch this.
2922
03:21:28,880 --> 03:21:33,910
I'd watch this documentary about how
a man falls apart in front of a crowd."
2923
03:21:36,120 --> 03:21:39,390
But I don't think that's the
documentary he has in mind.
2924
03:21:39,560 --> 03:21:43,150
The next day, same thing.
We're talking and he shows up.
2925
03:21:43,330 --> 03:21:47,390
I bring him in. He takes over.
He's in his element. He's happy.
2926
03:21:47,570 --> 03:21:51,370
He's just sitting there,
a robe short of being a minister...
2927
03:21:51,540 --> 03:21:54,170
...preaching, playing games
with the crowd.
2928
03:21:54,340 --> 03:21:58,800
Games where people go to the other
side of the room like kindergarten.
2929
03:21:58,980 --> 03:22:02,500
He says, "Those who believe Jesus
is the son of God...
2930
03:22:02,680 --> 03:22:06,810
...over to this side of the room.
Those who don't, go over there.
2931
03:22:06,990 --> 03:22:11,350
We rule our lives by this."
He pulls a Bible from his back pocket.
2932
03:22:11,520 --> 03:22:15,080
I'm like, "I didn't even know
he had a back pocket."
2933
03:22:15,260 --> 03:22:18,720
The outfits he wears
don't really lend to pockets.
2934
03:22:18,900 --> 03:22:21,730
But not only that,
he's got a Bible in it.
2935
03:22:21,900 --> 03:22:24,700
I'm like, "This is fucked up."
2936
03:22:25,500 --> 03:22:30,030
He says, "We'll lead our lives by this.
Over there, you live by what you do.
2937
03:22:30,210 --> 03:22:33,470
You have no laws. We have laws.
We want your women.
2938
03:22:33,650 --> 03:22:37,740
So we'll take them. There's nothing
you can do. Women, come here.
2939
03:22:37,920 --> 03:22:40,580
Because you don't lead
your lives by this."
2940
03:22:40,750 --> 03:22:43,950
I'm going, "Is that what it
says in the Bible?"
2941
03:22:45,060 --> 03:22:48,420
Because if it is,
I'm going back to church.
2942
03:22:49,190 --> 03:22:53,260
He's going through these parlor games
and he's real happy.
2943
03:22:53,430 --> 03:22:58,130
I was pleased to get to see a part
of him that I'd never seen before...
2944
03:22:58,300 --> 03:23:01,530
...in everything from interviews
to any press.
2945
03:23:01,710 --> 03:23:05,840
So the next day, he's like,
"I'm not gonna be able to do it.
2946
03:23:06,010 --> 03:23:09,740
I've got a show to do
at the St. Paul Excel Arena.
2947
03:23:09,920 --> 03:23:14,580
I'm gonna do a night show and my leg
hurts, so I won't do the q and a."
2948
03:23:14,750 --> 03:23:19,420
I said, "Why does your leg hurt?"
He said, "Something with my knee."
2949
03:23:19,590 --> 03:23:24,090
And I was like, "Do you think
it's because you always wear heels?"
2950
03:23:27,330 --> 03:23:28,490
He said, "What?"
2951
03:23:28,670 --> 03:23:32,570
I said, "Maybe your knee wouldn't
hurt if you wore sneakers."
2952
03:23:32,740 --> 03:23:35,100
He goes, "It's not about sneakers."
2953
03:23:35,270 --> 03:23:39,900
I said, "All right, man, I was just
checking. We need you, Prince."
2954
03:23:40,080 --> 03:23:44,170
I go out and Stephanie said,
"You mentioned sneakers to him?"
2955
03:23:44,350 --> 03:23:47,810
I said, "Yeah, was that bad?"
She said, "Yeah!"
2956
03:23:48,250 --> 03:23:51,120
I said, "Does he wear them?"
She said, "He does.
2957
03:23:51,290 --> 03:23:54,020
What's the interest
with Prince's sneakers?"
2958
03:23:54,190 --> 03:23:56,060
I said, "Does he wear them?"
2959
03:23:56,230 --> 03:23:58,700
She said, "He wears
them for basketball."
2960
03:23:58,860 --> 03:24:03,160
I said, "He plays ball in sneakers?
Where does he keep them?"
2961
03:24:03,340 --> 03:24:05,800
She's like, "Let it go."
2962
03:24:07,940 --> 03:24:11,470
I said, "Does he wear
the outfits playing basketball?"
2963
03:24:11,640 --> 03:24:14,810
Because every outfit looks
like he's about to be:
2964
03:24:14,980 --> 03:24:18,540
"Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him, Horatio." You know?
2965
03:24:18,720 --> 03:24:23,650
She said, "No, he wears warm-up suits."
I said, "He's got warm-up suits?"
2966
03:24:23,820 --> 03:24:28,520
She says, "Yes, he's got warm-up pants
with the buttons down the side."
2967
03:24:28,690 --> 03:24:33,560
I was like, "Where does he keep it?
Does he wear it under his clothes?"
2968
03:24:33,730 --> 03:24:35,170
She says, "He's got them to the side."
2969
03:24:35,330 --> 03:24:40,200
I said, "Well, are they made like
his outfits? Designer basketball wear?"
2970
03:24:40,370 --> 03:24:45,810
She says, "No, they're from a store."
I said, "He shops at a fucking store?"
2971
03:24:47,550 --> 03:24:50,780
She says, "No, we go out
and get stuff for him."
2972
03:24:50,950 --> 03:24:55,050
I said, "Where do you get his clothes?"
She says, "Nordstrom's."
2973
03:24:55,220 --> 03:24:57,620
I said, "They sell stuff his size?"
2974
03:24:57,790 --> 03:25:01,490
She's like, "Nordstrom's
boys department."
2975
03:25:05,500 --> 03:25:09,330
And at this point, I'm like,
"That is so fucking cute!"
2976
03:25:10,270 --> 03:25:14,070
The documentary should
be about that. I'd watch it.
2977
03:25:14,240 --> 03:25:19,270
Prince is like, "All right, I'm little.
I'm a huge rock god...
2978
03:25:19,440 --> 03:25:23,710
...but I'm little. I get my clothes
at Nordstrom's boys department."
2979
03:25:23,880 --> 03:25:27,150
But that's not the documentary
he wants to make.
2980
03:25:27,320 --> 03:25:29,880
So he skips that day.
2981
03:25:30,060 --> 03:25:35,550
The next day he's supposed to come.
We're having one of the last sessions.
2982
03:25:35,730 --> 03:25:38,030
We crammed 75 people in this room.
2983
03:25:38,200 --> 03:25:42,630
It's really hot, really tight,
lights boiling. Everyone's sweating.
2984
03:25:42,800 --> 03:25:45,430
We're going on
for about three hours.
2985
03:25:45,770 --> 03:25:50,040
One guy says, "This album's
about how Prince hates white people."
2986
03:25:50,210 --> 03:25:54,770
I said, "Really? I didn't get that
at all. What makes you say that?"
2987
03:25:54,950 --> 03:25:58,470
He says, "He's singing
about how the devil stole it."
2988
03:25:58,650 --> 03:26:03,710
I said, "No, he's not talking about
the 'white devil, ' but this devil.
2989
03:26:03,890 --> 03:26:08,520
I don't think it's a race thing.
Really? Race? Do you think so?"
2990
03:26:08,690 --> 03:26:12,150
And I can't defend it
because I don't fucking know.
2991
03:26:12,330 --> 03:26:16,790
Finally, they're like, "Prince wants
to talk to you in his office."
2992
03:26:16,970 --> 03:26:21,170
I'm like, "Break, everyone
grab some air. I'll talk to Prince."
2993
03:26:21,340 --> 03:26:27,010
I'm pissed now. I'm sweating, fielding
questions from a very defensive crowd.
2994
03:26:27,180 --> 03:26:29,980
The dude was supposed
to be here hours ago.
2995
03:26:30,150 --> 03:26:31,810
So I go into his office...
2996
03:26:31,980 --> 03:26:35,850
...and he's sitting behind his desk
playing with a computer.
2997
03:26:36,020 --> 03:26:40,390
I sit there for a good 20
to 30 seconds. He says nothing.
2998
03:26:40,560 --> 03:26:44,720
Then he says, "These are pictures
from the show last night."
2999
03:26:44,900 --> 03:26:49,160
I said, "That's great. We needed
you about two hours ago.
3000
03:26:49,330 --> 03:26:51,390
Things got tense."
He says, "Really?"
3001
03:26:51,570 --> 03:26:56,770
"Some dude said you hate white people."
He said, "Why did he say that?"
3002
03:26:57,080 --> 03:27:01,770
I said, "In the album, you talk
about how the devil stole the music.
3003
03:27:01,950 --> 03:27:05,540
He said you meant the 'white devil. '
I said you meant this."
3004
03:27:05,720 --> 03:27:09,520
He said, "He said white people
stole music from black people?"
3005
03:27:09,690 --> 03:27:13,650
I said, "That was his argument."
He goes, "If the bra fits."
3006
03:27:13,830 --> 03:27:17,590
And I'm like, "What the fuck
does that mean, man?!
3007
03:27:19,000 --> 03:27:23,400
If the bra fucking fits? I'm sweating
for hours fielding questions...
3008
03:27:23,570 --> 03:27:28,770
...defending your Jehovah's Witnessism
even though I know nothing about it.
3009
03:27:28,940 --> 03:27:33,540
Don't talk to me
like I'm fucking Apollonia!
3010
03:27:41,550 --> 03:27:45,550
You want me to jump into the fucking
waters of Lake Minnetonka!"
3011
03:27:45,720 --> 03:27:48,350
I'm fucking at wit's end
with this man.
3012
03:27:48,530 --> 03:27:53,690
This is what it sounds like when
Kev's fucking pissed. You know?
3013
03:27:56,000 --> 03:27:59,300
I'm like, "Go explain
that's not what you meant."
3014
03:27:59,470 --> 03:28:02,700
He's like, "People are gonna
take what they will from it."
3015
03:28:02,870 --> 03:28:07,280
I said, "These people have been
here for hours. They expect you."
3016
03:28:07,450 --> 03:28:10,210
He's like, "I'll talk to them.
You want to shoot it?"
3017
03:28:10,380 --> 03:28:15,880
I said, "Okay, and I want to leave
early because today is Father's Day."
3018
03:28:16,050 --> 03:28:18,080
My wife was there all week.
3019
03:28:18,260 --> 03:28:22,420
Her parents brought Harley so we could
spend Father's Day together.
3020
03:28:22,590 --> 03:28:23,990
He said, "Okay."
3021
03:28:24,160 --> 03:28:26,790
I'm like, "Ladies and gentlemen:
Prince."
3022
03:28:26,970 --> 03:28:30,330
He sits down, starts talking
and we start shooting.
3023
03:28:30,500 --> 03:28:35,300
And he starts talking and proceeds
to talk for four hours.
3024
03:28:35,970 --> 03:28:39,930
He's getting into his parlor games
and having a great time.
3025
03:28:40,110 --> 03:28:43,480
The guys are like,
"Are we still shooting?"
3026
03:28:43,650 --> 03:28:46,850
I'm like, "Keep shooting.
Something might happen.
3027
03:28:47,020 --> 03:28:51,180
Maybe somebody will get as pissed
as I am and take the guy out."
3028
03:28:52,620 --> 03:28:55,820
After the four hours one
of the guy comes over to me.
3029
03:28:55,990 --> 03:28:58,550
He's like, "We're out." I'm like,
"We ain't out till he says we're out."
3030
03:28:58,730 --> 03:29:02,030
He said, "No, we're out of stock."
I said, "Change the tape."
3031
03:29:02,200 --> 03:29:05,570
He's like, "We've blown
through our entire stock.
3032
03:29:05,740 --> 03:29:08,140
It's Sunday. There's no more stock."
3033
03:29:08,310 --> 03:29:13,240
I said, "What about the other camera?"
He's like, "He's got three minutes."
3034
03:29:13,410 --> 03:29:17,180
I was like, "Shit, we're out of tape?
Do we tell him?
3035
03:29:17,350 --> 03:29:20,610
Or do we just pretend
like we're shooting him?"
3036
03:29:22,390 --> 03:29:26,190
He's like, "It's your call."
I'm like, "Just keep rolling.
3037
03:29:26,360 --> 03:29:28,590
Just make pretend, go ahead."
3038
03:29:28,760 --> 03:29:34,220
They run out of tape. Prince goes on
for an hour, not even being recorded.
3039
03:29:34,400 --> 03:29:37,700
He looks over to me
periodically and I'm like:
3040
03:29:41,670 --> 03:29:45,040
So it ends and everyone
gets up to go...
3041
03:29:45,210 --> 03:29:48,270
...and this is the last session.
The week is over.
3042
03:29:48,450 --> 03:29:53,350
And he kind of goes out a back door
and shit so he can avoid autographs.
3043
03:29:53,520 --> 03:29:57,480
And I collect my stuff
and Stephanie...
3044
03:29:57,660 --> 03:30:00,720
...who was my chaperone,
wasn't even there anymore.
3045
03:30:00,890 --> 03:30:04,490
And I said to her before
she left, I was like:
3046
03:30:04,660 --> 03:30:07,430
"This is the last day.
What are we gonna do?
3047
03:30:07,600 --> 03:30:11,590
Am I cutting this thing?" She's like,
"They've been cutting it.
3048
03:30:11,770 --> 03:30:14,930
He used some of the footage
at his show last night."
3049
03:30:15,110 --> 03:30:17,940
I'm like, "Really?"
I feel so useless.
3050
03:30:18,110 --> 03:30:22,710
I'm trying to maintain my composure
and stuff's being already cut?
3051
03:30:22,880 --> 03:30:26,410
I said, "So you'll have a cut
of the film next week."
3052
03:30:26,590 --> 03:30:29,580
She said, "Don't count on seeing it."
I said, "Why?"
3053
03:30:29,750 --> 03:30:33,590
She said, "A lot of this stuff
never sees the light of day."
3054
03:30:33,760 --> 03:30:35,780
I was like, "What do you mean?"
3055
03:30:35,960 --> 03:30:38,860
She's like, "I produced
50 music videos for him."
3056
03:30:39,030 --> 03:30:43,760
I said, "Which ones?"
She said, "You've never seen them.
3057
03:30:43,940 --> 03:30:47,800
They're for songs you've never heard."
I said, "Where are they?"
3058
03:30:47,970 --> 03:30:51,930
She's like, "He puts them in a vault."
I was like, "For what?"
3059
03:30:52,110 --> 03:30:54,410
And she's like, "I don't know."
3060
03:30:54,910 --> 03:30:57,680
I was like, "Is it just
him on-stage?"
3061
03:30:57,850 --> 03:31:02,680
She's like, "No, 50 fully-produced
music videos with costumes and sets.
3062
03:31:02,850 --> 03:31:04,290
Money was spent."
3063
03:31:04,460 --> 03:31:09,220
I was like, "And they've never been
seen on MTV or anything? BET, VH1?"
3064
03:31:09,390 --> 03:31:12,590
She's like, "No. He just
puts them in the vault."
3065
03:31:12,760 --> 03:31:16,200
I was like, "Like in case
the fucking world goes up...
3066
03:31:16,370 --> 03:31:18,960
...we'll have entertainment?"
3067
03:31:19,470 --> 03:31:22,340
She's like, "That's just
the way Prince is."
3068
03:31:22,510 --> 03:31:25,530
I'm like, "After all this work,
nobody may ever see it?"
3069
03:31:25,710 --> 03:31:28,650
She's like, "I don't know."
I'm like, "Good Lord."
3070
03:31:28,980 --> 03:31:33,610
So day's over, I say goodbye
to this other girl, and she's like:
3071
03:31:33,790 --> 03:31:35,950
"Do you want to say goodbye
to Prince?"
3072
03:31:36,120 --> 03:31:38,920
I'm like, "He's busy,
I won't bother him."
3073
03:31:39,090 --> 03:31:43,360
The wife said, "You should say
goodbye." I said, "You think so?"
3074
03:31:43,530 --> 03:31:46,960
She's like, "He'd probably
want to say goodbye."
3075
03:31:47,130 --> 03:31:49,360
I was like, "You're right."
3076
03:31:49,530 --> 03:31:52,470
So I go back in and I'm like,
"You know what?
3077
03:31:52,640 --> 03:31:56,870
I should say goodbye to Prince."
She's like, "I'll find him."
3078
03:31:57,040 --> 03:32:00,340
She goes away and then
comes back, and she's like:
3079
03:32:00,510 --> 03:32:03,140
"He's in there working
on some music."
3080
03:32:03,310 --> 03:32:05,280
And I was like, "And?"
3081
03:32:05,450 --> 03:32:08,680
She was like,
"He's working on some music."
3082
03:32:08,850 --> 03:32:12,410
I was like, "So I should go?"
And she's like, "Yeah."
3083
03:32:12,590 --> 03:32:16,720
And I was like, "All right,
tell him I said goodbye, I guess."
3084
03:32:16,900 --> 03:32:20,760
I walk to the car and I'm like,
"I can't fucking believe it.
3085
03:32:20,930 --> 03:32:25,530
I spent a week shooting a documentary
for which I wasn't paid, for which...
3086
03:32:25,700 --> 03:32:29,040
...I had really no passion for.
It was not my story.
3087
03:32:29,210 --> 03:32:33,140
And the dude never once said,
'Thanks for taking the time."'
3088
03:32:33,310 --> 03:32:37,680
Like, I'll do anything as long
as somebody says, "Hey, thanks."
3089
03:32:37,850 --> 03:32:40,110
Gratitude's a big part of my life.
3090
03:32:40,290 --> 03:32:44,280
It so was weird that dude didn't
have two seconds to be like:
3091
03:32:44,460 --> 03:32:47,520
"Night, tubby."
Or anything like that.
3092
03:32:47,690 --> 03:32:51,180
Or just, "I knew there
was no film in that camera."
3093
03:32:51,360 --> 03:32:55,420
He never once said thank you.
I was so fucking cheesed, man.
3094
03:32:55,600 --> 03:32:58,570
I was like, "This is why
fans turn on people."
3095
03:32:58,740 --> 03:33:02,800
Somebody disappoints them
and they fucking turn on them.
3096
03:33:02,970 --> 03:33:07,040
But this is one instance where
I felt like it was valid.
3097
03:33:07,210 --> 03:33:10,240
All he had to do was say,
"Hey, man, thanks."
3098
03:33:10,420 --> 03:33:14,780
That would've been fine. But the
thing pissed me off the most...
3099
03:33:14,950 --> 03:33:19,980
...the whole week, not once did the guy
ever once play fucking "Batdance."
3100
03:33:31,640 --> 03:33:34,400
I had this all planned
and then I got here...
3101
03:33:34,570 --> 03:33:36,560
...and then it's so much different.
3102
03:33:36,910 --> 03:33:40,000
- Does your plan involve a gun?
- Huh?
3103
03:33:40,180 --> 03:33:42,770
- Does your plan involve a gun?
- Sorry, I...
3104
03:33:42,950 --> 03:33:45,310
Does your plan involve a gun?
3105
03:33:45,520 --> 03:33:49,110
- No, of course not.
- Then take your time, take your time.
3106
03:33:49,290 --> 03:33:54,550
Okay, my question is that, of course,
you're writing comic books now.
3107
03:33:54,730 --> 03:33:58,820
You did Daredevil, Green Arrow,
and The Brave and the Bold.
3108
03:33:59,000 --> 03:34:02,360
You've done movies.
I was wondering if there was...
3109
03:34:02,530 --> 03:34:08,000
...anything else you held in a high
enough regard to approve of.
3110
03:34:08,210 --> 03:34:12,340
To, like, actually have a cameo
in a film or a television series
3111
03:34:12,510 --> 03:34:16,950
That doesn't require a stamp of
approval, that requires a paycheck.
3112
03:34:17,120 --> 03:34:20,480
Again, if you give me
enough money, I'll show up.
3113
03:34:20,650 --> 03:34:22,240
- Scream 3!
- What is it?
3114
03:34:22,420 --> 03:34:25,080
- Scream 3!
- Scream 3, perfect example.
3115
03:34:25,260 --> 03:34:27,990
Bob Weinstein's like, "Do you want
to do Scream 3?" I said, "No."
3116
03:34:28,160 --> 03:34:32,120
He's like, "We'll pay you."
I was like, "All right."
3117
03:34:32,300 --> 03:34:33,820
That wasn't my fault.
3118
03:34:34,000 --> 03:34:36,330
I was like, "I don't know."
He said, "Come on."
3119
03:34:36,500 --> 03:34:40,230
I said, "I'll ask Jason.
If he says yes, I'll do it."
3120
03:34:40,410 --> 03:34:43,400
I called Jason. I said,
"They want us for Scream 3."
3121
03:34:43,580 --> 03:34:45,630
He was like, "Are we getting paid?"
I was like, "Yeah."
3122
03:34:45,810 --> 03:34:48,040
He's like, "All right, let's go."
3123
03:34:48,210 --> 03:34:52,010
We went out there, and we got
paid the SAG minimum wage.
3124
03:34:52,180 --> 03:34:56,380
You get paid on a weekly rate.
We got, like, 1200 bucks to do it.
3125
03:34:56,550 --> 03:34:59,280
And they send you a check
two weeks later.
3126
03:34:59,460 --> 03:35:02,320
We got there and they
gave us each trailers...
3127
03:35:02,490 --> 03:35:06,490
...because the big stars were out.
So we got their trailers.
3128
03:35:06,660 --> 03:35:10,600
So I was going through, like,
Courteney Cox's panties and shit.
3129
03:35:12,740 --> 03:35:14,360
Trying them on.
3130
03:35:15,870 --> 03:35:19,610
But we're in our trailers and
they gave me per diem...
3131
03:35:19,780 --> 03:35:22,110
...which is money
they give you on set.
3132
03:35:22,280 --> 03:35:24,940
Per diem: brilliant secret
of the movie industry.
3133
03:35:25,120 --> 03:35:28,980
You get a paycheck, but they also give
you an allotment of money...
3134
03:35:29,150 --> 03:35:32,710
...that you can use to go out
to eat, or grab cigarettes...
3135
03:35:32,890 --> 03:35:34,950
...while you're on the movie.
3136
03:35:35,130 --> 03:35:38,890
Which is weird because
they give you food and cigarettes.
3137
03:35:39,060 --> 03:35:42,660
So it turns out to be coke
and whore money.
3138
03:35:44,340 --> 03:35:47,530
Since we were only there a day,
they gave us $300...
3139
03:35:47,710 --> 03:35:51,770
...and there was a Scream 3 shirt.
So I said, "This is nice."
3140
03:35:51,940 --> 03:35:54,340
I'm watching a TV in the trailer...
3141
03:35:54,510 --> 03:35:59,250
...and I hear him leave his trailer and
come racing to my fucking trailer.
3142
03:35:59,420 --> 03:36:04,350
I open the door and he's just like,
"Fucking, they gave me $300, man!
3143
03:36:05,090 --> 03:36:09,420
$300 and a shirt! Did you get this?"
I was like, "I got four."
3144
03:36:09,660 --> 03:36:12,220
He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "No.
3145
03:36:12,400 --> 03:36:14,260
No, I got $300 and a shirt."
3146
03:36:14,430 --> 03:36:17,700
He said, "Awesome,
we should do this all the time!"
3147
03:36:17,870 --> 03:36:21,460
I was like, "I'm pretty sure
we do it all the time...
3148
03:36:21,640 --> 03:36:24,670
...on our own movies,
and we make a lot more."
3149
03:36:24,840 --> 03:36:29,680
He's like, "We should go to every
horror movie and just show up.
3150
03:36:30,450 --> 03:36:34,180
Do a day on all horror movies,
where suddenly we're there...
3151
03:36:34,350 --> 03:36:36,950
...and we get like $300 and a shirt?"
3152
03:36:37,120 --> 03:36:38,920
I was like, "We could...
3153
03:36:39,090 --> 03:36:42,790
...or we can make more movies
in which we are characters...
3154
03:36:42,960 --> 03:36:48,490
...and we get much more than $300
and you can keep your entire wardrobe."
3155
03:36:48,670 --> 03:36:53,100
And he was just like,
"But, $300 and a shirt!"
3156
03:36:54,810 --> 03:36:58,370
So he was ecstatic about that.
Would I ever do anything...?
3157
03:36:58,540 --> 03:37:02,950
I would love to be on The Sopranos.
I mean, it's set in Jersey, so...
3158
03:37:06,120 --> 03:37:11,450
Of course, the true mark of coolness
would be The Simpsons, wouldn't it?
3159
03:37:18,830 --> 03:37:22,730
Some people go like, "Wouldn't you
like to be in Star Wars?"
3160
03:37:22,900 --> 03:37:26,270
But they cast Jabba,
so I don't know who I'd play.
3161
03:37:26,440 --> 03:37:29,700
The portly stormtrooper. You know?
3162
03:37:33,280 --> 03:37:38,510
Everyone's chasing Anakin Skywalker
and there's one guy lagging behind.
3163
03:37:39,120 --> 03:37:42,210
Lifting up his helmet to smoke.
3164
03:37:45,520 --> 03:37:48,550
"I hate the fucking Empire."
3165
03:37:49,290 --> 03:37:52,790
But The Sopranos, Simpsons,
I would love to do that.
3166
03:37:52,960 --> 03:37:57,460
Now that I said it, I'll never get it,
but thanks for coaxing it out.
3167
03:37:57,640 --> 03:38:00,700
- Okay, thanks.
- Thanks, man.
3168
03:38:02,870 --> 03:38:05,470
- Hi, my name is Jen Dudanowicz.
- Hello.
3169
03:38:05,640 --> 03:38:08,540
- And I was wondering...
- What's the first name?
3170
03:38:08,710 --> 03:38:10,770
- Jen.
- What was the last name?
3171
03:38:10,980 --> 03:38:12,310
- Dudanowicz.
- Spell.
3172
03:38:12,480 --> 03:38:14,350
D-U-D...
3173
03:38:14,520 --> 03:38:17,680
I told my mother I would marry
a guy with a single-syllable...
3174
03:38:17,890 --> 03:38:20,950
Just answer my question.
Spell, your name.
3175
03:38:21,160 --> 03:38:25,390
D-U-D-A-N-O-W-I-C-Z.
3176
03:38:34,370 --> 03:38:38,270
- That is $35,000 worth of education.
- Yes, that is.
3177
03:38:38,440 --> 03:38:41,470
- Go ahead.
- Thirty-six.
3178
03:38:41,680 --> 03:38:42,670
- Really?
- Yes.
3179
03:38:42,850 --> 03:38:46,840
My question is: Will we be seeing
Jay and Silent Bob again?
3180
03:38:47,020 --> 03:38:51,650
Jay and Silent Bob will never
fucking come back. Never.
3181
03:38:51,920 --> 03:38:53,520
See?
3182
03:38:54,190 --> 03:38:57,560
Don't boo that. Jay and Bob
will be in the cartoon...
3183
03:38:57,730 --> 03:39:01,960
...but live action, no way.
I mean, look at me.
3184
03:39:02,130 --> 03:39:06,540
I'm getting older. And Mewes,
like, thank God for the makeup...
3185
03:39:06,700 --> 03:39:10,230
...because Mewes looks like he's 49...
3186
03:39:12,140 --> 03:39:14,240
...in real life.
3187
03:39:14,410 --> 03:39:17,680
You don't want to
overstay your welcome.
3188
03:39:17,850 --> 03:39:20,580
You don't want to be Pauly Shore.
3189
03:39:24,690 --> 03:39:28,960
- It was quality while it lasted.
- I only say that because...
3190
03:39:29,130 --> 03:39:32,760
Remember, everyone at one point
was like, "The weasel."
3191
03:39:32,930 --> 03:39:34,520
Like, "Hey, buddy."
3192
03:39:34,700 --> 03:39:38,570
And then one day people
were like, "Fuck Pauly Shore!"
3193
03:39:42,640 --> 03:39:46,130
I don't want to live through
that part of his career.
3194
03:39:46,310 --> 03:39:48,640
"Hey, buddy," that was all right.
3195
03:39:48,810 --> 03:39:51,080
But when they're like, "Fuck you.
3196
03:39:51,250 --> 03:39:54,810
Silent Bob. Silent Dick."
3197
03:39:56,290 --> 03:40:00,780
Because what do you say to that?
Like, "All right, Silent Dick."
3198
03:40:01,290 --> 03:40:05,820
Get out while the getting's good.
Leave the party before it ends.
3199
03:40:06,000 --> 03:40:10,990
Push back from the table, you know,
before you eat 19 desserts.
3200
03:40:11,170 --> 03:40:12,900
Stop at 17 and a half.
3201
03:40:13,070 --> 03:40:18,770
There are some people that would argue
that we overstayed by four movies.
3202
03:40:19,840 --> 03:40:24,040
It's time to go. Plus, after
the last one, what do you do?
3203
03:40:24,220 --> 03:40:26,950
Like, Jay and Bob in Space.
3204
03:40:27,950 --> 03:40:31,890
They were getting high
in a rocket, one of them was...
3205
03:40:32,060 --> 03:40:35,420
Someone said "lunch,"
he thought he said "launch."
3206
03:40:40,770 --> 03:40:46,500
You guys have been awesome, thank you
for coming out. Good night, Worcester!
3207
03:40:51,180 --> 03:40:52,670
Good night.
3208
03:40:55,210 --> 03:40:58,050
Kent State, good night.
3209
03:41:02,990 --> 03:41:07,080
Good night, Wyoming. Good night.
3210
03:41:15,070 --> 03:41:19,000
Thank you all, I love you.
Goodbye, Cornell!
|