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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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CROWD: Kevin Smith.
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Kevin Smith.
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Thank you for, uh, coming
to Canada, Mr. Smith.
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I'm here as Buddy Christ.
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On the way over here,
trying to get tickets,
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I got bitten by a dog.
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I love you, Kevin Smith.
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You're-- you're awesome, Kevin.
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But we came here to see you.
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[APPLAUSE]
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Ladies and
gentlemen, introducing
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my dad, Kevin Smith.
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[APPLAUSE]
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AUDIENCE: I love you, man.
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Oh, Canada.
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[APPLAUSE]
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Oh, Canada.
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I fucking love me
some Canadian, sir.
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I really, really do.
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I fucking love this country.
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Um, I would, uh-- Don't.
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Don't.
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No.
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Believe me, I'll be
patronizing later on.
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Right now, I just want
to be confessional
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more than anything else.
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I always felt like I was kind
of born a bit too far south.
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I do dig this
country quite a bit.
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And I don't fucking say that
because of the recent election.
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That seems to be in vogue, to
be like, oh, fuck the States.
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Canada, eh.
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They let gays get married and--
and Bush is not the president.
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[APPLAUSE]
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But, uh-- But that shit
doesn't matter to me
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so much because I could-- I
survived four years of Bush.
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I could survive another
four years of Bush.
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I survived Bennifer.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Bush has nothing on
fucking Bennifer.
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I assure you.
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But, uh, it is a country that
I've always fucking loved.
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And I've often thought
about moving up here.
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Because you guys are
like-- you're-- flat out,
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you're the girl
next door, right?
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And who doesn't want to
fuck the girl next door?
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Especially when
she's anal as well.
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So-- you are the three
input woman next door.
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That's it.
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We're leaving, you know?
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Um, but, uh-- I can't.
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I can't fucking make the
commitment to move up here.
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And there's one-- there's
two words, really,
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the kind of sum it all up.
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And that is Tim fucking Hortons.
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True story.
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Because I've been here now
for-- I came up a week ago.
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I mean, a month
ago for one week.
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And then I came back.
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I've been here for
about two weeks.
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And when I got here, I was
like, I'm going to stay
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all fucking low-carb and shit.
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And I'm going to just eat.
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Because you know,
I'm from the land--
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USA, United States of Atkins.
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And, um-- so I'm like, I'm
going to stay low-carb and shit
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because I got the show.
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And I want to be as trim
as fucking possible.
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And then they put
in a goddamn hotel
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where right across the
street there's a Tim Hortons.
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And I would just
look out my window
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and be like, that
fucker's open 24 hours.
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[APPLAUSE]
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Because I'm a fucking
man of strength.
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Like, I-- you know, I will
never cheat on my wife,
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but I will cheat on a fucking
diet like you wouldn't believe.
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So I'd just sit there
and fight myself,
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fight myself, fight myself.
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And finally, I was
like, oh, fuck.
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A double double and 30 Timbits.
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And that's why I'll be wearing
the coat all night long.
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Always helpful to have
the fucking people
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in the back looking at
you all night going,
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god, is he fat from behind.
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He is literally wearing a
spare tire around his middle.
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So the first
question of the night
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sets the entire evening up.
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No pressure whatsoever.
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AUDIENCE: It's
actually two things.
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KEVIN SMITH: Two questions.
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Two questions if
that's all right.
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Sir, you're playing on
my sympathies, aren't you?
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AUDIENCE: Well, my name's Andre.
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I'm an actor,
comedian, and writer.
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People always try to
get me to dance, too.
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Um, my first question
is, well, I'm currently
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writing a screenplay now.
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And I'm-- I've
been-- I had major,
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major, uh, writer's block
for the longest time.
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I was wondering if you
ever had writer's block?
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And what you did
to deal with it?
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Have I ever had writer's block?
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Yeah, a little bit.
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I just basically don't
have writer's block.
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I get writer's laze,
where I just don't-- why
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should I write, you know?
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Pretty much.
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Let's see how many "Law
& Orders" are on today.
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I do, basically.
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Because I'd rather sit there
and watch "Hang 'em High McCoy"
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throw, you know, another
scumbag murderer in jail
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than-- than create shit.
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I want to be entertained
sometimes, where
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it's just like, yeah, good.
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Burn 'em.
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Fucking burn 'em.
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Send them to the goddamn chair.
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Murder 1, eh.
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You know?
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And then my wife's like,
the mortgage is due.
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I'm like, oh, shit.
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Uh, Jay And Bob say something
remotely witty, you know?
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Cha-ching, back
to "Law & Order."
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So, uh--
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[APPLAUSE]
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So I will.
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I'll just kind of
veg out and sit
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in front of the TV for a while.
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And it's not so much writer's
block where I'm like,
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I have nothing.
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I have nothing.
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It's just this kind of
place where I'm like,
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I don't want to do nothing.
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I don't want to do nothing.
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And I've only really
had it maybe once.
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I was working on the "Six
Million Dollar Man" screenplay
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fucking eons ago, 1995.
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And there was-- we were
working at Universal
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on "Mallrats," kind of.
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AUDIENCE: Woo.
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Don't.
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And, um-- and, uh,
basically, somebody-- one
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of the producers, Jim Jackson
is just like, hey, uh,
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"Six Million Dollar
Man" is up for grabs.
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They want to do a
feature version.
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Did you ever watch it?
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And I was like, I
did watch that show.
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And he was just like,
you want to write it?
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And I was like, are
you fucking kidding me?
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Not really, but-- but it would
be awesome to get the job,
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you know?
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Like, that's basically
what it is for me.
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It's not doing the work,
it's just having somebody go,
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you, sir, are good enough.
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And then I'm like,
oh, phenomenal.
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Thank you.
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And then I fucking fight
it the whole way home.
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"Green Hornet," a
perfect example.
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It was just nice to
have somebody say,
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you, sir, are good enough
to make a comic book movie.
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And I was like, tremendous.
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Then I signed the contract
and I was like, wait.
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What?
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Do it?
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Um, so that-- that kind
of happened with the "Six
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Million Dollar Man."
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And there were just days where
I was like, I don't know what
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the fuck Steve Austin does.
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You know?
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What does he do?
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He's fucking-- he wakes up
and he watches "Law & Order."
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Because I don't live
the Steve Austin life.
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And I'm used to
writing about shit
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where I just kind
of takes pages out
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of my own daily life and shit.
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But I am not bionic by any
stretch of the imagination.
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Not even remotely
athletic, you know?
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So I would be totally
blocked writing that.
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And it really started to show.
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Like, I'd hand Mosier over some
pages to read-- Scott Mosier,
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my producer.
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And I was like,
what do you think?
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And he was just like,
well, in this scene here,
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the big action
sequence, you have Steve
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Austin hiding behind a rock.
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[LAUGHTER]
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And I was just like, dude's
got to hide sometimes.
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I mean, it's not always
dit-dit-dit-dit, you know?
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Sometimes-- sometimes he's got
to be on the down-low and shit.
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And Mosier's like, and
he's fighting 20 ninjas?
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I was like, not good?
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Bionic ninjas?
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So that one, it took me
a long time to fucking
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write the script for.
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And I pitched it to one team of
execs, who were then replaced
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by another team of execs.
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And then by the time
I turned in my script,
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that second team of
execs had been replaced
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by another team of execs.
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So I turned into my script to
people going, are you kidding?
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This is your idea for a "Six
Million Dollar Man Movie?"
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Mother fucking.
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He loses a leg and an arm.
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You give him robotics and he
hides behind a fucking rock?
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I was like, well, the first
people really liked that idea.
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So, you know, fucking
never got made.
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And that was the last
time I really got blocked.
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And ever since then,
it's just kind of laze.
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Because TV is kind of
my kryptonite, right?
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Where it's just like, if it
goes on, suddenly I'm like,
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I don't want to create.
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I just want to be entertained
and shit like that.
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And having a kid, you
watch a lot more TV
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than you normally watch.
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Excuse me, before.
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Because back in the
day, it was just like,
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"Degrassi" fucking reruns
on tape and shit like that.
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[APPLAUSE]
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Don't.
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I'm-- I'm not
pandering, that's true.
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And, um-- and watch fucking
"Simpsons" and porn.
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So, um-- so, uh-- but later
in life with the kid, the kid
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has like all sorts of programs
that she likes to watch.
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And then you're kind of
forced to watch them as well.
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And sometimes, they're fucking
insanely bad and really tough
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to sit through.
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There's this one fucking program
she was watching the other day.
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And, uh, she was
going to school.
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She watches TV before
she goes to school.
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And, um, I went down
there to say goodbye.
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And says, well, what's--
how you rolling?
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What's this?
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And she's like, this
is, uh, "Rainbow Fish."
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And I said, uh, what's it about?
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And she kind of looked at me
like, you fucking retarded?
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Like the title pretty
much says it all.
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And--
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And I peeped it out and
she was right, you know?
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It really is literally about
a bunch of multicolored fish.
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And they go to school.
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Because you know, fish
travel in schools and shit.
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And that was the height of
their fucking imagination.
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Just let's put the rainbow
colored fish in school.
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And fucking nobody's watching.
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Do it.
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So I was like, can't we
watch something else?
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Let's pop in some
fucking "SpongeBob."
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She's like, no, "Rainbow
Fish." "Rainbow Fish."
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Because she was
heading to school,
251
00:11:33,053 --> 00:11:34,925
so she wanted to
see what they did.
252
00:11:34,925 --> 00:11:36,476
And then she'd take
it to school with her
253
00:11:36,476 --> 00:11:38,478
and sit there and pretend
to be a blue carp,
254
00:11:38,478 --> 00:11:39,249
or something like that.
255
00:11:39,249 --> 00:11:40,310
I don't know.
256
00:11:40,310 --> 00:11:41,651
I don't know what
goes through her head.
257
00:11:41,651 --> 00:11:43,734
But then there's some
shit, some shit she watches
258
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:45,475
where I'll get roped in.
259
00:11:45,475 --> 00:11:47,587
Like at first I'm like, oh,
this is fucking dog shit.
260
00:11:47,587 --> 00:11:50,450
But then you're like, this
is actually pretty good.
261
00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:52,883
And the fucking show that
she really turned me onto
262
00:11:52,883 --> 00:11:54,654
was this show called
"Dora the Explorer."
263
00:11:54,654 --> 00:11:58,218
[APPLAUSE]
264
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:02,082
Which is an amazing fucking
show if you're really stoned.
265
00:12:06,296 --> 00:12:10,050
Because it's all about this
little Mexican girl who hangs
266
00:12:10,050 --> 00:12:16,957
out with a monkey who
wears boots, who is named,
267
00:12:16,957 --> 00:12:19,029
ironically enough, Boots.
268
00:12:21,671 --> 00:12:24,524
And she got a backpack on
because presumably she's
269
00:12:24,524 --> 00:12:26,596
fucking trafficking
hashish across the border.
270
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:34,074
And they bomb around looking
for very simple things
271
00:12:34,074 --> 00:12:35,145
in order to get to a goal.
272
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,888
They got to find three things
and fucking get somewhere.
273
00:12:37,888 --> 00:12:40,680
And the only impediment
to the whole process
274
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,263
is a little-- uh, a
little-- what is he?
275
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:43,964
AUDIENCE: Fox.
276
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,645
He's a little fox.
277
00:12:45,645 --> 00:12:48,598
You know what I'm talking about.
278
00:12:48,598 --> 00:12:50,760
A little fox named Swiper.
279
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:51,802
Thank you.
280
00:12:51,802 --> 00:12:52,562
Exactly.
281
00:12:52,562 --> 00:12:53,874
The kid's name is Swiper.
282
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,195
He's a little fox.
283
00:12:55,195 --> 00:12:59,649
And you know he's the bad
guy because he wears a mask.
284
00:12:59,649 --> 00:13:02,823
So Swiper periodically
will bomb in on the kids
285
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,344
and try to fuck with their day.
286
00:13:04,344 --> 00:13:06,636
And, um-- and
basically, it's one
287
00:13:06,636 --> 00:13:08,128
of these interactive
shows where you got
288
00:13:08,128 --> 00:13:09,229
to yell at the screen and shit.
289
00:13:09,229 --> 00:13:11,451
Dora's ever-asking for
your help because she's
290
00:13:11,451 --> 00:13:16,006
so fucking hapless, she
can't do shit by herself.
291
00:13:16,006 --> 00:13:19,359
So you sit there watching and
periodically she'll be like,
292
00:13:19,359 --> 00:13:21,601
Boots, we need to
find the red berries.
293
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:22,833
Boots is like, I agree.
294
00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:23,533
I agree.
295
00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:25,275
But, you know, whatever.
296
00:13:25,275 --> 00:13:29,049
And then they'll say, can
you see the red berries?
297
00:13:29,049 --> 00:13:30,730
And then me and kid
sit there and you know,
298
00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:31,892
we see the red berries.
299
00:13:31,892 --> 00:13:33,473
And we're like, yeah.
300
00:13:37,237 --> 00:13:38,068
Bitch, don't you?
301
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,759
They're behind you.
302
00:13:39,759 --> 00:13:40,710
Turn around.
303
00:13:45,385 --> 00:13:46,086
That's my take.
304
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:50,951
My kid is just like,
they're behind you, Dora.
305
00:13:50,951 --> 00:13:54,434
I just look at you
like, Jesus Christ, kid.
306
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,607
Don't buy into this.
307
00:13:57,607 --> 00:13:58,648
They are patronizing you.
308
00:14:02,192 --> 00:14:03,103
Can you see the berries?
309
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:04,714
And then you're like,
right behind you.
310
00:14:04,714 --> 00:14:06,416
What are you-- and
then she goes, what?
311
00:14:06,416 --> 00:14:07,117
They're where?
312
00:14:07,117 --> 00:14:09,129
And you're like,
right behind you.
313
00:14:09,129 --> 00:14:11,121
And she's like, they're
right behind us?
314
00:14:11,121 --> 00:14:13,083
And you're like, yeah.
315
00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:16,116
Which as an adult straight,
you're just like, ugh.
316
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:24,234
But if you're stoned, which
I have been upon viewings,
317
00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:24,935
you're there.
318
00:14:24,935 --> 00:14:26,306
You are in the fucking show.
319
00:14:29,009 --> 00:14:32,752
You're having a
discourse with Dora.
320
00:14:32,752 --> 00:14:34,314
Dora's just like,
help me out, Kev.
321
00:14:34,314 --> 00:14:35,145
I'm like, right on.
322
00:14:35,145 --> 00:14:36,226
Where are the berries?
323
00:14:36,226 --> 00:14:39,669
[APPLAUSE]
324
00:14:45,565 --> 00:14:48,508
You're hungry too,
aren't you, Dora?
325
00:14:48,508 --> 00:14:52,312
Oh, I can go for some berries.
326
00:14:52,312 --> 00:14:55,375
With mayonnaise.
327
00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:57,117
For some reason.
328
00:14:57,117 --> 00:15:00,750
But periodically, fucking Swiper
will bomb in and shit and just
329
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:01,972
try to fuck with your day.
330
00:15:01,972 --> 00:15:03,713
And he's going for
the berries as well.
331
00:15:03,713 --> 00:15:06,266
So it's this race
against time between you,
332
00:15:06,266 --> 00:15:09,069
Dora, and Boots, and Swiper.
333
00:15:09,069 --> 00:15:12,953
And she'll say like, I
think Swiper may be around.
334
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:13,653
Do you see him?
335
00:15:13,653 --> 00:15:14,554
And he pops up.
336
00:15:14,554 --> 00:15:16,736
And in the audience,
you're like, oh, Jesus.
337
00:15:16,736 --> 00:15:17,437
He's there.
338
00:15:17,437 --> 00:15:18,138
He's there.
339
00:15:18,138 --> 00:15:20,640
He's behind you.
340
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,063
And, you know, is he--
is he to the right?
341
00:15:23,063 --> 00:15:24,484
No, he's behind you.
342
00:15:24,484 --> 00:15:25,185
Is he?
343
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:26,136
Yes, he's behind you.
344
00:15:26,136 --> 00:15:29,089
And how they stop him
is rather ingenious.
345
00:15:29,089 --> 00:15:36,426
Because me, it would just be
like-- or a fox trap, you know?
346
00:15:36,426 --> 00:15:39,879
Or kill him and wear him.
347
00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:45,165
And, uh-- or at that point I'm
so stoned, eat the fucking fox.
348
00:15:45,165 --> 00:15:47,407
Mask and all.
349
00:15:47,407 --> 00:15:50,570
Um, but how they stop
him is rather ingenious.
350
00:15:50,570 --> 00:15:52,822
And it's a bizarre
lesson to teach
351
00:15:52,822 --> 00:15:54,244
the kids because
it really doesn't
352
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,515
pan out in the real world.
353
00:15:55,515 --> 00:15:58,948
They just turn around and
they go, Swiper, no swiping.
354
00:15:58,948 --> 00:16:00,360
Swiper, no swiping.
355
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,331
Swiper, no swiping.
356
00:16:01,331 --> 00:16:04,234
They say it to him
three fucking times.
357
00:16:04,234 --> 00:16:07,097
And that stops him.
358
00:16:07,097 --> 00:16:08,968
But of course, you're helping
out because it's audience
359
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:09,949
participation and shit.
360
00:16:09,949 --> 00:16:12,272
So you know, she's like,
we got to stop him.
361
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,673
Tell him, Swiper, no swiping.
362
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,705
So it becomes like
Swiper, no swiping.
363
00:16:15,705 --> 00:16:16,856
Swiper, no swiping.
364
00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:19,369
Swiper, no swiping.
365
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:24,274
And then the fucking
fox goes, oh, man.
366
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:27,287
That is literally
a line of dialog.
367
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:31,051
You tell Swiper to fucking
stop and Swiper goes, oh, man.
368
00:16:31,051 --> 00:16:33,533
And he fucking bombs away.
369
00:16:33,533 --> 00:16:34,234
And that's it.
370
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:36,696
You're on the berries and
on to the next fucking goal.
371
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:39,119
And there's just like-- it
doesn't work in the real world.
372
00:16:39,119 --> 00:16:40,980
Like, I had to pull the kid
aside and be like, look,
373
00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:43,002
this is all fun when we're high.
374
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:50,180
[LAUGHTER]
375
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:52,922
But telling somebody just
don't do something three times,
376
00:16:52,922 --> 00:16:54,244
it ain't going to
fucking change shit.
377
00:16:54,244 --> 00:16:56,176
It would be nice if you could.
378
00:16:56,176 --> 00:16:59,018
If you could be like, Bushy, no
bombing of an innocent country.
379
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,540
Bushy, no bombing of
an innocent country.
380
00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:02,572
Bushy, no bombing of
an innocent country.
381
00:17:02,572 --> 00:17:03,543
But--
382
00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:06,916
[APPLAUSE]
383
00:17:11,271 --> 00:17:14,324
There goes my political
material for the whole night.
384
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,815
But it doesn't work
like that shit.
385
00:17:15,815 --> 00:17:17,987
So periodically, I have
to set her straight.
386
00:17:17,987 --> 00:17:20,230
But I'm usually so stoned
that I explain it to her
387
00:17:20,230 --> 00:17:24,314
and she looks at me like,
the cartoon makes more sense.
388
00:17:24,314 --> 00:17:26,406
She's like, Daddy, no eating.
389
00:17:26,406 --> 00:17:27,377
Daddy, no eating.
390
00:17:27,377 --> 00:17:28,958
Daddy, no eating.
391
00:17:28,958 --> 00:17:29,779
Oh, man.
392
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,354
So I get caught up
in shit like that
393
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,455
and then I just
get to this place
394
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:36,386
where I don't want to write.
395
00:17:36,386 --> 00:17:39,269
And so I just kind of chill
out and shit like that.
396
00:17:39,269 --> 00:17:43,213
[LAUGHTER]
397
00:17:49,649 --> 00:17:51,241
But I'm kind of--
I'm a deadline whore.
398
00:17:51,241 --> 00:17:53,503
So like if the deadline
comes up-- "Green Hornet"
399
00:17:53,503 --> 00:17:55,425
I had like-- what did I have?
400
00:17:55,425 --> 00:17:56,806
I had 50 pages.
401
00:17:56,806 --> 00:17:58,037
And then I had another 50.
402
00:17:58,037 --> 00:17:58,868
So I had 100 pages.
403
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:02,402
And in 4 days, I wrote
64 pages and brought
404
00:18:02,402 --> 00:18:03,233
the motherfucker home.
405
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:04,134
Like that's how I write.
406
00:18:04,134 --> 00:18:04,964
I'm like, oh, shit.
407
00:18:04,964 --> 00:18:06,596
The fucking calendar's
creeping up behind me.
408
00:18:06,596 --> 00:18:08,508
I'm like, shit happens and
people hide behind rocks.
409
00:18:08,508 --> 00:18:12,292
And-- fucking he beats
the bad guy, the end.
410
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,623
And you know?
411
00:18:13,623 --> 00:18:15,655
Mysteriously, people are like,
wow, this is pretty good.
412
00:18:15,655 --> 00:18:16,656
You put a lot of work in this.
413
00:18:16,656 --> 00:18:19,139
I'm like, I absolutely did.
414
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,181
Like, why does he say to the
bad guy, Swiper, no swiping?
415
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:27,167
Just take that out, sorry.
416
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:28,518
What was your other
question, sir?
417
00:18:28,518 --> 00:18:30,089
AUDIENCE: My other
question-- my other question
418
00:18:30,089 --> 00:18:31,291
was kind of related to it.
419
00:18:31,291 --> 00:18:35,255
Um, I only got like 40 pages
in the last year and a half.
420
00:18:35,255 --> 00:18:36,045
And I haven't--
421
00:18:36,045 --> 00:18:38,027
Too much "Dora the
Explorer" for you as well.
422
00:18:38,027 --> 00:18:39,679
AUDIENCE: That's my problem.
423
00:18:39,679 --> 00:18:43,883
I, um-- well, I haven't shown
what I've written to anyone.
424
00:18:43,883 --> 00:18:45,455
And I know you probably
get this a lot,
425
00:18:45,455 --> 00:18:48,138
but I was wondering if
you're still in Toronto.
426
00:18:48,138 --> 00:18:49,559
I'd really like to
get your opinion.
427
00:18:49,559 --> 00:18:51,000
I remember, uh--
428
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,442
AUDIENCE: Boo.
429
00:18:52,442 --> 00:18:53,283
I remember--
430
00:18:53,283 --> 00:18:56,266
You motherfuckers turn
on each other quick.
431
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:58,898
(SINGING) Our home and native--
until he says the thing
432
00:18:58,898 --> 00:19:01,601
we don't like, eh.
433
00:19:01,601 --> 00:19:04,484
AUDIENCE: I remember, uh, in
"An Evening with Kevin Smith,"
434
00:19:04,484 --> 00:19:06,616
there was that one that-- when
you were talking about how
435
00:19:06,616 --> 00:19:09,028
your brother couldn't
relate to a lot of movies
436
00:19:09,028 --> 00:19:09,759
featuring homosexuals.
437
00:19:09,759 --> 00:19:10,680
KEVIN SMITH: Yes,
because he's gay.
438
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:11,531
Because he's gay, yeah.
439
00:19:11,531 --> 00:19:12,672
Are you gay?
440
00:19:12,672 --> 00:19:13,903
Is that what you're telling me?
Is this your--
441
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:14,644
No, I'm not gay.
442
00:19:14,644 --> 00:19:16,326
--long-winded,
roundabout way of saying--
443
00:19:16,326 --> 00:19:18,488
I don't know if
you've noticed this,
444
00:19:18,488 --> 00:19:20,059
but I am a physically
disabled midget.
445
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:20,900
And, um--
446
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:21,601
No!
447
00:19:21,601 --> 00:19:22,362
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
448
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:23,062
I'm serious.
449
00:19:28,748 --> 00:19:30,850
Sir, let me tell you
something right now.
450
00:19:30,850 --> 00:19:31,871
You're passing.
451
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:34,714
Because I had no idea.
452
00:19:34,714 --> 00:19:35,775
You know what?
453
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,617
I just found out two
years ago myself.
454
00:19:37,617 --> 00:19:39,929
It's unbelievable.
455
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,922
[APPLAUSE]
456
00:19:49,919 --> 00:19:53,072
So there's-- there's not a
lot of movies featuring people
457
00:19:53,072 --> 00:19:54,564
like that in a positive way.
458
00:19:54,564 --> 00:19:56,246
There's a few, but whatever.
459
00:19:56,246 --> 00:19:58,628
Unless you're a member of
the fucking lollipop guild.
460
00:19:58,628 --> 00:20:01,211
Then-- then there's movies.
461
00:20:01,211 --> 00:20:02,562
But other than
that, you're right.
462
00:20:02,562 --> 00:20:04,123
You're absolutely
right. "Station Agent."
463
00:20:04,123 --> 00:20:04,854
"Station Agent."
464
00:20:04,854 --> 00:20:06,266
"Station Agent" was good.
465
00:20:06,266 --> 00:20:07,206
Yeah.
466
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,688
"Willow" was pretty
good, but still,
467
00:20:08,688 --> 00:20:10,900
it's like a fantasy type.
468
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,131
"Willow" is fantasy, isn't it?
469
00:20:12,131 --> 00:20:13,983
It's fantasy, like
only midgets can
470
00:20:13,983 --> 00:20:15,735
play fantasy-like characters.
471
00:20:15,735 --> 00:20:16,686
AUDIENCE: Mexican wrestling.
472
00:20:21,451 --> 00:20:24,424
Don't you-- you got to hate
the fucking-- the non-height
473
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,154
challenged, don't you?
474
00:20:25,154 --> 00:20:25,925
AUDIENCE: There you go.
475
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,817
Because every once in
a while, they'll just
476
00:20:27,817 --> 00:20:28,848
hit you with the fucking Ewoks.
477
00:20:28,848 --> 00:20:30,840
They're like, oh, shut up.
478
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:31,671
You got the Ewoks.
479
00:20:31,671 --> 00:20:32,372
And you're like--
480
00:20:37,897 --> 00:20:38,598
Yeah.
481
00:20:38,598 --> 00:20:41,110
So if you're in
town, uh-- whatever.
482
00:20:41,110 --> 00:20:42,602
For the next few
days, whatever still.
483
00:20:42,602 --> 00:20:43,493
I have a business card.
484
00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:44,394
I'd like to give it to you.
485
00:20:44,394 --> 00:20:47,066
If you can give me a
call, that'd be great.
486
00:20:47,066 --> 00:20:49,299
I know you're probably
thinking, no-- no fucking way.
487
00:20:49,299 --> 00:20:52,221
But whatever.
488
00:20:52,221 --> 00:20:55,144
It's worth trying.
489
00:20:55,144 --> 00:20:55,885
It's worth a shot.
490
00:20:55,885 --> 00:20:58,978
But no, sir, I would never in a
million fucking years do that.
491
00:20:58,978 --> 00:20:59,789
Yeah, I understand.
492
00:20:59,789 --> 00:21:02,241
But it's not because of the
height thing, just understand.
493
00:21:02,241 --> 00:21:03,763
Because I like you.
494
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,184
You're the right height.
495
00:21:05,184 --> 00:21:06,255
But, the, um--
496
00:21:12,702 --> 00:21:14,664
Remember the whole Dora thing?
497
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:15,365
Yeah.
498
00:21:15,365 --> 00:21:18,698
That's me basically saying
I hate to work myself.
499
00:21:18,698 --> 00:21:21,331
So the idea of working
on somebody else's
500
00:21:21,331 --> 00:21:22,742
fucking bullshit.
-Well, I don't want you to work.
501
00:21:22,742 --> 00:21:24,374
I just want to get your opinion.
But that's cool.
502
00:21:24,374 --> 00:21:26,386
But it's totally worth a shot.
503
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,157
But what are you, 40 pages in?
504
00:21:28,157 --> 00:21:29,198
About 40, yeah.
505
00:21:29,198 --> 00:21:30,930
Finish it, sir.
506
00:21:30,930 --> 00:21:31,931
Finish.
507
00:21:31,931 --> 00:21:32,922
AUDIENCE: Sorry?
508
00:21:32,922 --> 00:21:35,425
Just finish it.
509
00:21:35,425 --> 00:21:39,929
[APPLAUSE]
510
00:21:39,929 --> 00:21:40,910
Finish it and shoot it.
511
00:21:40,910 --> 00:21:43,833
Because basically-- I know a
story about a motherfucker.
512
00:21:43,833 --> 00:21:44,524
Fat.
513
00:21:44,524 --> 00:21:45,885
And he lived in
Jersey and he wrote
514
00:21:45,885 --> 00:21:48,378
a movie about people
bombing around a fucking
515
00:21:48,378 --> 00:21:49,078
convenience store.
516
00:21:49,078 --> 00:21:53,112
And-- and it led to him being
onstage being like, fuck you.
517
00:21:53,112 --> 00:21:53,813
You know?
518
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:58,157
So-- so I'm telling
you, finish it.
519
00:21:58,157 --> 00:21:59,068
Make your picture.
520
00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:01,611
And then stand up here
and tell somebody--
521
00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:03,152
tell some tall fucker, no.
522
00:22:05,685 --> 00:22:06,556
Thank you.
523
00:22:06,556 --> 00:22:07,787
Thank you, sir.
524
00:22:07,787 --> 00:22:08,488
Thank you.
525
00:22:16,175 --> 00:22:19,118
In "Jersey Girl," how
did you convincingly
526
00:22:19,118 --> 00:22:21,611
get Ben Affleck to cry?
527
00:22:21,611 --> 00:22:22,472
How did I convince him?
528
00:22:22,472 --> 00:22:23,743
AUDIENCE: I mean,
that was believable.
529
00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:25,034
That was very fucking easy.
530
00:22:25,034 --> 00:22:29,809
I brought a astrologer on
set, laid out the cards
531
00:22:29,809 --> 00:22:30,940
for the next two years.
532
00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:33,923
[APPLAUSE]
533
00:22:43,393 --> 00:22:44,093
No.
534
00:22:44,093 --> 00:22:45,715
Affleck doesn't
need any help, sir.
535
00:22:45,715 --> 00:22:47,457
Affleck is a brilliant,
brilliant actor.
536
00:22:47,457 --> 00:22:49,799
He's getting the shit
beat out of him right now.
537
00:22:49,799 --> 00:22:51,541
I am not one of those
people that fucking,
538
00:22:51,541 --> 00:22:54,474
oh, let's jump on the fuck
Ben Affleck bandwagon.
539
00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:55,935
I'd still believe in Ben.
540
00:22:55,935 --> 00:22:57,687
I would cast Ben as anything.
541
00:22:57,687 --> 00:22:58,658
I've said it a million times.
542
00:22:58,658 --> 00:23:01,831
I'd cast him in the fucking
shark in "Jaw" if we remade it.
543
00:23:01,831 --> 00:23:03,483
AUDIENCE: And the robot in--
544
00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:04,934
I believe in
fucking Ben Affleck.
545
00:23:04,934 --> 00:23:07,907
So Affleck, he can
cry on command, sir.
546
00:23:07,907 --> 00:23:08,608
It's easy.
547
00:23:08,608 --> 00:23:10,670
He's very bitch-like in nature.
548
00:23:10,670 --> 00:23:16,255
So-- so very, very easy
for him to cry on command.
549
00:23:16,255 --> 00:23:17,046
And great.
550
00:23:17,046 --> 00:23:19,358
It's a real weird
process to watch an actor
551
00:23:19,358 --> 00:23:20,590
be like, give me a few minutes.
552
00:23:20,590 --> 00:23:23,523
And they go someplace really
fucking dark and come out
553
00:23:23,523 --> 00:23:25,545
and fucking throw it
down and shit like that.
554
00:23:25,545 --> 00:23:26,275
And you're like, cut.
555
00:23:26,275 --> 00:23:28,247
And they're just like,
were any chicks watching?
556
00:23:28,247 --> 00:23:30,379
You know?
557
00:23:30,379 --> 00:23:31,641
Because they know
if chicks watching,
558
00:23:31,641 --> 00:23:32,712
they got it fucking made, right?
559
00:23:32,712 --> 00:23:35,495
Because like, he's so
sensitive, you know?
560
00:23:35,495 --> 00:23:36,726
And he gets them
back to the trailer.
561
00:23:36,726 --> 00:23:39,298
He's like, I am very sensitive.
562
00:23:39,298 --> 00:23:41,230
Now, roll over.
563
00:23:41,230 --> 00:23:47,336
[LAUGHTER]
564
00:23:47,336 --> 00:23:50,379
But Affleck crying on cue,
is fucking-- it's a walk
565
00:23:50,379 --> 00:23:51,290
in the park for that dude.
566
00:23:51,290 --> 00:23:52,962
He's really-- he's
really quite good at it.
567
00:23:52,962 --> 00:23:54,684
He cries in almost
every movie, doesn't he?
568
00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:55,575
If you watch him.
569
00:23:55,575 --> 00:23:56,986
Go back, there's
always a point where
570
00:23:56,986 --> 00:24:00,059
he's got the glazed
fucking look on his face.
571
00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:02,061
And he starts squirting a few.
572
00:24:02,061 --> 00:24:02,762
That's what he does.
573
00:24:02,762 --> 00:24:04,383
He cries very well.
574
00:24:04,383 --> 00:24:05,444
Does everything very well.
575
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,826
So that was-- it was neat.
576
00:24:06,826 --> 00:24:08,728
It was a cake walk
getting him to do it.
577
00:24:08,728 --> 00:24:10,460
I love making him
cry in movies, too.
578
00:24:10,460 --> 00:24:12,181
I love getting him to
an emotional place,
579
00:24:12,181 --> 00:24:13,463
because that's my
favorite version
580
00:24:13,463 --> 00:24:14,914
of Ben Affleck in movies.
581
00:24:14,914 --> 00:24:17,026
My favorite version in
real life is the one
582
00:24:17,026 --> 00:24:17,977
who just makes me laugh.
583
00:24:17,977 --> 00:24:19,519
Because he's one of the
funniest people I've ever known.
584
00:24:19,519 --> 00:24:21,290
My favorite version of
Ben Affleck in the movies
585
00:24:21,290 --> 00:24:23,052
is the guy who fucking cries.
586
00:24:23,052 --> 00:24:24,984
And I'll hand him a script and
invariably I call the call.
587
00:24:24,984 --> 00:24:28,197
And he's just like,
come on, dude.
588
00:24:28,197 --> 00:24:30,530
Michael Bay don't make me cry.
589
00:24:30,530 --> 00:24:32,401
I was like, that's funny.
590
00:24:32,401 --> 00:24:34,053
He makes me cry.
591
00:24:34,053 --> 00:24:38,508
[LAUGHTER]
592
00:24:38,508 --> 00:24:41,751
As does your work
in his picture, sir.
593
00:24:41,751 --> 00:24:44,744
But, uh, I really-- I like
seeing-- I like seeing it.
594
00:24:44,744 --> 00:24:46,425
Because I think he
emotes very well.
595
00:24:46,425 --> 00:24:48,968
So yeah, that's easy
to get him to cry.
596
00:24:48,968 --> 00:24:50,590
Thank you very much.
597
00:24:50,590 --> 00:24:52,191
Some other guy dropped this off.
598
00:24:52,191 --> 00:24:54,534
Some fan art, I guess.
599
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:55,234
Right on.
600
00:24:55,234 --> 00:24:56,656
You hold onto it.
601
00:24:56,656 --> 00:25:00,960
[LAUGHTER]
602
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,471
Just in case.
603
00:25:02,471 --> 00:25:05,074
Once we get past the one-hour
mark where it would go boom.
604
00:25:05,074 --> 00:25:06,536
If it doesn't explode,
bring it back.
605
00:25:09,418 --> 00:25:11,871
Sir, you came in
costume tonight.
606
00:25:11,871 --> 00:25:18,467
[APPLAUSE]
607
00:25:18,467 --> 00:25:19,669
Oh, sweet Jesus.
608
00:25:19,669 --> 00:25:23,913
There go your chances
of getting laid tonight.
609
00:25:23,913 --> 00:25:25,054
I kind of came in costume, too.
610
00:25:29,108 --> 00:25:30,770
Rock it, sir.
611
00:25:30,770 --> 00:25:33,142
Last time you were
here, you gave us your,
612
00:25:33,142 --> 00:25:35,655
uh-- basically, your personal
review on some movies
613
00:25:35,655 --> 00:25:36,355
that you've seen.
614
00:25:36,355 --> 00:25:37,046
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
615
00:25:37,046 --> 00:25:39,088
And you ripped them apart
in only a way that can do.
616
00:25:39,088 --> 00:25:39,789
Yes.
617
00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:40,860
I was wondering if
you could give us
618
00:25:40,860 --> 00:25:42,131
an updated version
on some of the crap
619
00:25:42,131 --> 00:25:43,222
that you've seen lately.
620
00:25:43,222 --> 00:25:44,253
For example?
621
00:25:44,253 --> 00:25:44,954
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
622
00:25:49,639 --> 00:25:50,960
Let the savior fucking speak.
623
00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:58,698
How often do you get a
chance to talk to Jesus?
624
00:25:58,698 --> 00:26:00,039
AUDIENCE: Amen.
625
00:26:00,039 --> 00:26:02,131
Sir.
626
00:26:02,131 --> 00:26:03,292
Any movie you want.
627
00:26:03,292 --> 00:26:05,434
Well, I mean, it's
up to you, Lord.
628
00:26:05,434 --> 00:26:07,927
Well-- listen to my people.
629
00:26:07,927 --> 00:26:08,718
I'm sorry?
630
00:26:08,718 --> 00:26:09,589
Listen to my people.
631
00:26:09,589 --> 00:26:10,289
Come on.
632
00:26:10,289 --> 00:26:10,990
Come on.
633
00:26:10,990 --> 00:26:12,201
Come on.
634
00:26:12,201 --> 00:26:13,512
Any movie.
635
00:26:13,512 --> 00:26:14,934
Ugh.
636
00:26:14,934 --> 00:26:16,976
This is why they nailed
you to the fucking cross.
637
00:26:16,976 --> 00:26:20,439
[LAUGHTER]
638
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,471
The Jews were like, he's
so fucking indecisive.
639
00:26:32,471 --> 00:26:33,172
Hang him up.
640
00:26:41,090 --> 00:26:42,461
Because if Mel Gibson
taught us anything,
641
00:26:42,461 --> 00:26:44,193
it's that the Jews
killed Christ.
642
00:26:47,196 --> 00:26:51,861
But not before they beat
the shit out of him first.
643
00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:52,642
Fucking savior.
644
00:26:55,935 --> 00:26:56,696
Recent movie?
645
00:26:56,696 --> 00:26:57,396
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
646
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,001
"Team America."
647
00:27:02,001 --> 00:27:02,702
"Gigli."
648
00:27:02,702 --> 00:27:05,184
I honestly-- "Gigli" is a
movie that I really didn't find
649
00:27:05,184 --> 00:27:06,505
as atrocious as most people.
650
00:27:06,505 --> 00:27:09,448
But I was partial because I
like the guy in the movie.
651
00:27:09,448 --> 00:27:12,471
Like, I'll watch that
dude in anything.
652
00:27:12,471 --> 00:27:14,253
He was the bomb in
"Phantoms." "Phantoms"
653
00:27:14,253 --> 00:27:17,677
is a terrible picture, but
I liked it because of him.
654
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:18,878
I kind of like
watching him do shit.
655
00:27:18,878 --> 00:27:20,309
I watched "Surviving
Christmas" and thought
656
00:27:20,309 --> 00:27:21,330
he was very funny in it.
657
00:27:21,330 --> 00:27:22,662
So same thing with "Gigli."
658
00:27:22,662 --> 00:27:24,654
Because I watched it, I'm
like, that's my friend.
659
00:27:24,654 --> 00:27:25,995
He's kind of funny.
660
00:27:25,995 --> 00:27:28,417
Even in movies that
aren't that great.
661
00:27:28,417 --> 00:27:30,199
But, um-- the one thing.
662
00:27:30,199 --> 00:27:33,102
My only issue with "Gigli" was
like, dude, you really going
663
00:27:33,102 --> 00:27:36,065
to play-- ring this fucking
bell twice where you're like,
664
00:27:36,065 --> 00:27:39,038
I can turn a lesbian, you know?
665
00:27:39,038 --> 00:27:41,350
We did it once and we
kind of got away with it.
666
00:27:41,350 --> 00:27:42,051
But.
667
00:27:42,051 --> 00:27:43,582
he was like, no, I'm
going to do it again.
668
00:27:43,582 --> 00:27:46,866
This time it's J Lo.
669
00:27:46,866 --> 00:27:49,048
That, to me, was they only
mistake of "Gigli," double
670
00:27:49,048 --> 00:27:51,490
dipping and shit like that.
671
00:27:51,490 --> 00:27:53,813
But, uh-- so, no, I didn't
have a problem with that movie
672
00:27:53,813 --> 00:27:54,854
very much.
673
00:27:54,854 --> 00:27:55,725
AUDIENCE: "Paycheck."
674
00:27:55,725 --> 00:27:56,876
"Paycheck."
675
00:27:56,876 --> 00:27:59,068
You know, it kind of the
movie-- the title of the movie
676
00:27:59,068 --> 00:28:00,579
is very appropriate.
677
00:28:00,579 --> 00:28:03,522
[LAUGHTER]
678
00:28:07,947 --> 00:28:10,009
Because that's flat out
what he was earning.
679
00:28:10,009 --> 00:28:10,780
Um--
680
00:28:10,780 --> 00:28:11,480
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
681
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,062
"Team America I
fucking enjoyed.
682
00:28:13,062 --> 00:28:14,003
You know, puppets fucking.
683
00:28:14,003 --> 00:28:16,235
Nothing wrong with that.
684
00:28:16,235 --> 00:28:17,707
AUDIENCE: Fuck yeah.
685
00:28:17,707 --> 00:28:18,697
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
686
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,930
"Incredibles" is fantastic.
687
00:28:20,930 --> 00:28:24,083
I love "The Incredibles."
688
00:28:24,083 --> 00:28:25,865
We should probably
move on from--
689
00:28:25,865 --> 00:28:26,565
AUDIENCE: "I, Robot."
690
00:28:26,565 --> 00:28:29,478
"I, Robot" I saw and
I fucking totally dug.
691
00:28:29,478 --> 00:28:32,381
Except they kind
of-- it was like, uh,
692
00:28:32,381 --> 00:28:34,563
getting a really
fantastic blow job where
693
00:28:34,563 --> 00:28:37,466
at the very end she's like--
694
00:28:37,466 --> 00:28:40,329
[LAUGHTER]
695
00:28:45,114 --> 00:28:47,266
That's why they don't let
me review movies in papers
696
00:28:47,266 --> 00:28:52,481
because everyone's got the
whole thumbs up, thumbs down.
697
00:28:52,481 --> 00:28:53,582
Two, three, four stars.
698
00:28:53,582 --> 00:28:55,454
I'm like, no, no, no, it's
like getting a blow job where
699
00:28:55,454 --> 00:28:57,947
the chick pulls it out and
jerks you off to a conclusion
700
00:28:57,947 --> 00:29:00,719
all over your belly, you know?
701
00:29:00,719 --> 00:29:02,982
Where you're like, oh,
this is phenomenal.
702
00:29:02,982 --> 00:29:03,692
This is awesome.
703
00:29:03,692 --> 00:29:04,393
Oh, no, wait.
704
00:29:04,393 --> 00:29:05,094
Out?
705
00:29:05,094 --> 00:29:06,906
No.
706
00:29:06,906 --> 00:29:08,247
AUDIENCE: "Mean Girl."
707
00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:10,739
Loved it. "Mean Girls" I didn't
see because fuck Lindsay Lohan.
708
00:29:15,644 --> 00:29:16,816
Don't know anything
about her, just
709
00:29:16,816 --> 00:29:18,047
don't like the look of her.
710
00:29:18,047 --> 00:29:18,948
You know?
711
00:29:18,948 --> 00:29:21,280
Looks a little trashy.
712
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,903
I like my shit to be
less trashy than that.
713
00:29:23,903 --> 00:29:25,764
I'm not-- I'm also not
a Duff woman, either.
714
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:27,536
So fuck her, too.
715
00:29:30,399 --> 00:29:33,252
My ideal movie would
be like fucking throw
716
00:29:33,252 --> 00:29:35,534
those two chicks in the pit.
717
00:29:35,534 --> 00:29:38,077
Give them a couple
broken bottles.
718
00:29:38,077 --> 00:29:38,777
Go.
719
00:29:43,272 --> 00:29:44,143
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING TITLES]
720
00:29:44,143 --> 00:29:45,394
I don't think we're
going to see that movie.
721
00:29:45,394 --> 00:29:47,126
All right, are we really
going to do this all night?
722
00:29:47,126 --> 00:29:49,608
Fucking yelling out random.
723
00:29:49,608 --> 00:29:50,309
Let's move on.
724
00:29:50,309 --> 00:29:52,111
Jesus, can we move on?
725
00:29:52,111 --> 00:29:52,812
Right on.
726
00:29:52,812 --> 00:29:53,792
Well done.
727
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:56,735
[APPLAUSE]
728
00:30:01,650 --> 00:30:02,531
Sir, really.
729
00:30:02,531 --> 00:30:05,354
That is a commitment
for the whole evening.
730
00:30:05,354 --> 00:30:11,480
Just sit there as God and-- you
live with the parents or what?
731
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,462
You do live with the parents?
732
00:30:13,462 --> 00:30:15,865
You know you're walking out and
your dad's like, that's why.
733
00:30:22,872 --> 00:30:25,594
Excuse me, yes.
734
00:30:25,594 --> 00:30:26,385
All right.
735
00:30:26,385 --> 00:30:28,597
First of all, I'd like
to say I'm an animator
736
00:30:28,597 --> 00:30:30,709
and I love your movies.
737
00:30:30,709 --> 00:30:32,001
And the next thing
I want to know
738
00:30:32,001 --> 00:30:34,443
is, what happened to
"Clerks 2," the cartoon?
739
00:30:34,443 --> 00:30:36,335
You said that it was going
to be a cartoon movie?
740
00:30:36,335 --> 00:30:37,746
Yes.
741
00:30:37,746 --> 00:30:38,888
AUDIENCE: What's
going on with it?
742
00:30:38,888 --> 00:30:39,578
I'm sorry.
743
00:30:39,578 --> 00:30:41,590
It's such a decent question,
I was flabbergasted.
744
00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:44,593
[LAUGHTER]
745
00:30:50,099 --> 00:30:52,191
Um, "Clerks 2."
746
00:30:52,191 --> 00:30:54,103
We were calling it
"Clerks Sell Out."
747
00:30:54,103 --> 00:30:56,635
And the plot of the movie
was essentially, uh,
748
00:30:56,635 --> 00:30:58,988
Dante and Randall are like,
hey, let's make a movie
749
00:30:58,988 --> 00:31:00,059
set here in the Quick Stop.
750
00:31:03,292 --> 00:31:05,374
Because I really,
really ran out of ideas.
751
00:31:05,374 --> 00:31:07,346
And, uh--
752
00:31:07,346 --> 00:31:08,477
And so basically,
we were thinking
753
00:31:08,477 --> 00:31:10,469
of doing it theatrically,
because Harvey Weinstein,
754
00:31:10,469 --> 00:31:12,011
the chairman of
Miramax, was like, well,
755
00:31:12,011 --> 00:31:13,672
fucking-- the "Tigger Movie."
756
00:31:13,672 --> 00:31:15,144
You know, Disney put
out the "Tigger Movie."
757
00:31:15,144 --> 00:31:16,605
It cost them $8 million to make.
758
00:31:16,605 --> 00:31:18,427
The movie made $40 million.
759
00:31:18,427 --> 00:31:19,738
We were like, right on.
760
00:31:19,738 --> 00:31:20,839
And he was just
like, we could do
761
00:31:20,839 --> 00:31:22,591
the same thing with "Clerks."
762
00:31:22,591 --> 00:31:26,485
I was like, you want us to put
fucking Tigger in "Clerks?"
763
00:31:26,485 --> 00:31:29,088
He's like, no, we make
a cartoon real cheap
764
00:31:29,088 --> 00:31:29,979
and we throw it out there.
765
00:31:29,979 --> 00:31:31,710
We just fucking go to the
bank laughing all the way.
766
00:31:31,710 --> 00:31:34,473
I'm like, first off, nobody
watched the show, dude.
767
00:31:34,473 --> 00:31:36,855
That's why they
canceled it, remember?
768
00:31:36,855 --> 00:31:38,988
Second off, like
it's-- you got a kid.
769
00:31:38,988 --> 00:31:41,020
You're going to take them to
see the "Tigger Movie" and shit.
770
00:31:41,020 --> 00:31:42,791
You're not going to
take them to see noise,
771
00:31:42,791 --> 00:31:44,803
noise, noise, smoking weed.
772
00:31:44,803 --> 00:31:47,226
You know?
773
00:31:47,226 --> 00:31:51,500
I mean, because he's kind of
Tigger-like, but you know?
774
00:31:51,500 --> 00:31:55,314
But fucking-- I don't-- I
just don't think any parents
775
00:31:55,314 --> 00:31:56,745
lining up to see that movie.
776
00:31:56,745 --> 00:31:59,298
So, um-- so basically we
went back to him and said,
777
00:31:59,298 --> 00:32:00,729
look, would it make
more sense if we did it
778
00:32:00,729 --> 00:32:02,041
as a straight-to-video movie.
779
00:32:02,041 --> 00:32:04,233
Because that way, the people
who really want to see it,
780
00:32:04,233 --> 00:32:04,934
would see it.
781
00:32:04,934 --> 00:32:07,806
Because the "Clerks" cartoon,
when we put them out on DVD
782
00:32:07,806 --> 00:32:09,338
as a collection sold well.
783
00:32:09,338 --> 00:32:10,469
So we said, can
we do that instead
784
00:32:10,469 --> 00:32:11,460
of trying to go theatrical.
785
00:32:11,460 --> 00:32:12,781
And he was like, whatever.
786
00:32:12,781 --> 00:32:15,514
Because he had forgotten
about it by that point.
787
00:32:15,514 --> 00:32:17,866
This two years later, he's like,
what are you talking about?
788
00:32:17,866 --> 00:32:19,818
I was like, the "Clerks" cartoon
movie, "Clerks Sell Out."
789
00:32:19,818 --> 00:32:21,100
He was like, oh, right.
790
00:32:21,100 --> 00:32:21,800
Yeah.
791
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,633
Well, whatever.
792
00:32:24,633 --> 00:32:26,065
So we eventually
have to get to it.
793
00:32:26,065 --> 00:32:27,896
But the last we talked about
it, we're going to do that
794
00:32:27,896 --> 00:32:29,618
as a straight-to-video movie.
795
00:32:29,618 --> 00:32:30,319
AUDIENCE: Awesome.
796
00:32:30,319 --> 00:32:33,442
Try to cross it over
with "Winnie the Pooh"
797
00:32:33,442 --> 00:32:34,863
and see what happens there.
798
00:32:34,863 --> 00:32:36,435
But yeah, straight to
video, "Clerks Sell Out."
799
00:32:36,435 --> 00:32:38,737
Because believe me, I will
ride the fucking "Clerks"
800
00:32:38,737 --> 00:32:40,329
thing right into the grave.
801
00:32:40,329 --> 00:32:43,132
You know, they work in a
store and they're pissed.
802
00:32:43,132 --> 00:32:43,832
Cool.
803
00:32:43,832 --> 00:32:44,643
That's it.
804
00:32:44,643 --> 00:32:45,374
KEVIN SMITH: Right on.
805
00:32:45,374 --> 00:32:46,515
Well done, sir.
806
00:32:46,515 --> 00:32:52,451
[APPLAUSE]
807
00:32:52,451 --> 00:32:55,824
So my question is,
you've pretty much had
808
00:32:55,824 --> 00:32:57,346
the life of a fan boy thus far.
809
00:32:57,346 --> 00:33:00,899
I mean, you-- you've got
to make an entire universe
810
00:33:00,899 --> 00:33:02,211
based on your characters.
811
00:33:02,211 --> 00:33:04,223
You've run a-- you've
owned a comic shop.
812
00:33:04,223 --> 00:33:05,874
You've worked on a comic.
813
00:33:05,874 --> 00:33:08,157
You got married at
Skywalker Ranch.
814
00:33:08,157 --> 00:33:11,040
I mean, you've done
everything that I would think
815
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,663
any geek would love to do.
816
00:33:14,663 --> 00:33:17,366
My question is, what's next?
817
00:33:17,366 --> 00:33:18,867
For one second as you
went through the list,
818
00:33:18,867 --> 00:33:22,021
I thought you were going to
be like-- and now tonight.
819
00:33:22,021 --> 00:33:23,462
AUDIENCE: For the world to see.
820
00:33:29,568 --> 00:33:31,500
Or I thought you were building
up to the "Howling" moment
821
00:33:31,500 --> 00:33:34,393
where you're like, tonight, I'm
going to show you something.
822
00:33:34,393 --> 00:33:36,885
Ah.
823
00:33:36,885 --> 00:33:40,539
Nothing like that, no.
824
00:33:40,539 --> 00:33:41,240
What's next?
825
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,201
I don't know, sir.
826
00:33:42,201 --> 00:33:42,951
What's next?
827
00:33:42,951 --> 00:33:45,684
I always often think
about what it is.
828
00:33:45,684 --> 00:33:48,197
Why did I do what I do and
why I got into the business.
829
00:33:48,197 --> 00:33:50,349
And chiefly, it was
because I wanted
830
00:33:50,349 --> 00:33:52,941
to throw something on the screen
that, you know, I recognized.
831
00:33:52,941 --> 00:33:54,453
Something that I
could identify with.
832
00:33:54,453 --> 00:33:56,185
And that was "Clerks"
and everything
833
00:33:56,185 --> 00:33:57,866
I've ever fucking
done since then.
834
00:33:57,866 --> 00:33:59,108
So I've accomplish that.
835
00:33:59,108 --> 00:34:01,360
Then it was always like, ooh,
wouldn't be cool to do this?
836
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:02,701
Wouldn't be cool to
write comic books?
837
00:34:02,701 --> 00:34:04,943
Then I fucking
did that and shit.
838
00:34:04,943 --> 00:34:06,895
I think I've reached
the final frontier.
839
00:34:06,895 --> 00:34:09,218
You know?
840
00:34:09,218 --> 00:34:11,210
Totally fucked Jason Mewes.
841
00:34:11,210 --> 00:34:14,553
[LAUGHTER]
842
00:34:18,847 --> 00:34:20,299
AUDIENCE: Where is Mewes?
843
00:34:20,299 --> 00:34:21,120
Where is Mewes?
844
00:34:27,326 --> 00:34:28,297
Just call Mewes up?
845
00:34:28,297 --> 00:34:29,988
Does anybody have a phone?
846
00:34:29,988 --> 00:34:30,989
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
847
00:34:30,989 --> 00:34:32,311
Is this a phone--
you know what, sir?
848
00:34:32,311 --> 00:34:33,112
I don't need your phone.
849
00:34:33,112 --> 00:34:35,174
Whenever I call
Mewes, I just do this.
850
00:34:35,174 --> 00:34:37,106
Mewes.
851
00:34:37,106 --> 00:34:41,700
[APPLAUSE]
852
00:34:41,700 --> 00:34:42,401
Mewes.
853
00:34:46,305 --> 00:34:47,316
Doesn't work always.
854
00:34:50,119 --> 00:34:50,819
Mewes.
855
00:34:58,327 --> 00:35:01,830
[APPLAUSE]
856
00:35:33,862 --> 00:35:34,863
Hello.
857
00:35:34,863 --> 00:35:36,365
Ladies and sirs.
858
00:35:40,369 --> 00:35:41,910
Sir, don't leave me
up here by myself.
859
00:35:41,910 --> 00:35:43,812
I'm scared.
860
00:35:43,812 --> 00:35:45,774
I don't talk much, he does.
861
00:35:45,774 --> 00:35:47,996
Dude, you've answered
like two questions.
862
00:35:47,996 --> 00:35:49,338
That's it.
863
00:35:49,338 --> 00:35:52,171
He goes on and on and on, right?
864
00:35:52,171 --> 00:35:53,051
No?
865
00:35:53,051 --> 00:35:54,563
All right, no one's answering.
866
00:35:54,563 --> 00:35:55,804
You want--
867
00:35:55,804 --> 00:35:56,505
Oh, yeah.
868
00:35:56,505 --> 00:35:58,116
You want to ask-- you
want to do two questions?
869
00:35:58,116 --> 00:35:59,087
No, I don't want to.
870
00:35:59,087 --> 00:36:01,400
I said you've only
had two questions.
871
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:02,531
You've been here
for like an hour.
872
00:36:02,531 --> 00:36:03,252
Back off.
873
00:36:03,252 --> 00:36:04,253
It was three.
874
00:36:04,253 --> 00:36:06,024
Three questions.
875
00:36:06,024 --> 00:36:07,155
Because I was
saying one question,
876
00:36:07,155 --> 00:36:08,056
you just keep going on.
877
00:36:08,056 --> 00:36:08,757
I go on for a bit.
878
00:36:08,757 --> 00:36:12,120
Talking about "Dora the
Explorer" or something.
879
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:13,532
I've been listening on the--
880
00:36:13,532 --> 00:36:15,644
That's how I fuck, sir.
881
00:36:15,644 --> 00:36:16,805
They ask for a little.
882
00:36:16,805 --> 00:36:17,636
I go overboard.
883
00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:21,820
You want to hang
out on the couch?
884
00:36:21,820 --> 00:36:23,852
I want to sit on the couch.
885
00:36:23,852 --> 00:36:24,543
Right on.
886
00:36:24,543 --> 00:36:26,365
There's free water.
887
00:36:26,365 --> 00:36:29,398
First off, I'd like to thank
you for making "Clerks."
888
00:36:29,398 --> 00:36:31,970
It's nice to see a non-Asian
dude that knows the pain
889
00:36:31,970 --> 00:36:34,253
of being behind the counter.
890
00:36:34,253 --> 00:36:37,175
[LAUGHTER]
891
00:36:42,221 --> 00:36:42,921
That's true.
892
00:36:42,921 --> 00:36:44,573
That movie is kind
of really fictional
893
00:36:44,573 --> 00:36:50,469
because there's two white guys
fucking behind the counter.
894
00:36:50,469 --> 00:36:51,640
And I don't know,
every convenience
895
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:53,292
store in the world I've
ever been in-- thank you,
896
00:36:53,292 --> 00:36:53,992
come again.
897
00:36:53,992 --> 00:36:54,693
You know?
898
00:36:57,456 --> 00:37:00,138
My first question is-- I
have just two quick questions.
899
00:37:00,138 --> 00:37:03,091
Um, one is on the first
DVD you pretty much trashed
900
00:37:03,091 --> 00:37:05,444
a lot of the big Hollywood
guys with your Superman
901
00:37:05,444 --> 00:37:06,945
story, Tim Burton.
902
00:37:06,945 --> 00:37:08,907
And as well as, um, Prince.
903
00:37:08,907 --> 00:37:12,381
Have you ever got any,
um, backlash from that
904
00:37:12,381 --> 00:37:14,002
since releasing that DVD?
905
00:37:14,002 --> 00:37:15,754
I've never gotten backlash.
906
00:37:15,754 --> 00:37:17,726
Never gotten backlash from it.
907
00:37:17,726 --> 00:37:20,619
But I've heard like
PSes to everything.
908
00:37:20,619 --> 00:37:23,402
Like John Peter apparently is
very flattered by the story.
909
00:37:23,402 --> 00:37:29,428
[LAUGHTER]
910
00:37:29,428 --> 00:37:31,320
Proving once again
that the man is
911
00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:35,684
just almost insane clinically.
912
00:37:35,684 --> 00:37:39,077
Um, who else was there?
913
00:37:39,077 --> 00:37:39,778
Um--
914
00:37:39,778 --> 00:37:41,019
AUDIENCE: Tim Burton.
915
00:37:41,019 --> 00:37:42,591
Tim Burton.
916
00:37:42,591 --> 00:37:43,412
Um, Tim Burton.
917
00:37:43,412 --> 00:37:44,102
No.
918
00:37:44,102 --> 00:37:46,104
Since that story, I don't
think I ever heard of anything.
919
00:37:46,104 --> 00:37:48,537
I mean, I told the story about
the "Planet of the Apes" thing,
920
00:37:48,537 --> 00:37:49,237
right?
921
00:37:49,237 --> 00:37:49,928
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
922
00:37:49,928 --> 00:37:51,970
Where his claws came out.
923
00:37:51,970 --> 00:37:53,762
So no, never heard
anything after that.
924
00:37:53,762 --> 00:37:56,485
Tim Burton, just like this
dude is small fucking potatoes.
925
00:37:56,485 --> 00:37:59,478
Prince, I did here a PS from.
926
00:37:59,478 --> 00:38:02,741
Because the DVD came
out and his producer
927
00:38:02,741 --> 00:38:04,843
at the time, the one who
told me about Prince world--
928
00:38:04,843 --> 00:38:06,585
her name's Stephanie.
929
00:38:06,585 --> 00:38:09,448
Stephanie called me up and
was just like, oh my god.
930
00:38:09,448 --> 00:38:10,359
You named me.
931
00:38:13,392 --> 00:38:15,604
She's like, it wasn't bad enough
that you just said, you know,
932
00:38:15,604 --> 00:38:16,835
he's got this producer
he works with.
933
00:38:16,835 --> 00:38:18,266
You fucking gave me a name.
934
00:38:18,266 --> 00:38:20,889
And it was my name.
935
00:38:20,889 --> 00:38:23,191
And I was like, was that bad?
936
00:38:23,191 --> 00:38:26,555
Um, but thankfully she had
left his employ at that point.
937
00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:29,948
But she told me that, uh,
people at Paisley Park
938
00:38:29,948 --> 00:38:33,452
would pass that around like
an underground movie and shit.
939
00:38:33,452 --> 00:38:35,223
And be like, you
got to watch this.
940
00:38:35,223 --> 00:38:36,685
He nails it.
941
00:38:39,628 --> 00:38:42,220
He even talks about
Prince world, you know?
942
00:38:42,220 --> 00:38:43,982
They don't want to talk
out loud because all
943
00:38:43,982 --> 00:38:46,214
the rooms are bugged.
944
00:38:46,214 --> 00:38:48,236
Because he can
record in every room.
945
00:38:48,236 --> 00:38:52,130
Um, so, uh, she said after
he-- it finally got to him.
946
00:38:52,130 --> 00:38:53,311
Somebody showed it to him.
947
00:38:53,311 --> 00:38:57,195
And he was just like, find
his non-disclosure agreement.
948
00:38:57,195 --> 00:38:59,478
Because it says essentially
when you come in to shoot or do
949
00:38:59,478 --> 00:39:01,720
something, they make you
sign, like this agreement that
950
00:39:01,720 --> 00:39:04,573
says what happens in Prince
world stays in Prince world,
951
00:39:04,573 --> 00:39:05,273
you know?
952
00:39:05,273 --> 00:39:06,805
You don't go out there
and fucking talk about,
953
00:39:06,805 --> 00:39:08,717
like go get me a camel
at 3:00 in the morning.
954
00:39:08,717 --> 00:39:13,021
Just-- you don't talk
about that shift.
955
00:39:13,021 --> 00:39:15,814
The funny part is the day
that they handed it to me,
956
00:39:15,814 --> 00:39:16,825
I was like, oh, right on.
957
00:39:16,825 --> 00:39:19,067
Let me just set up the shot.
958
00:39:19,067 --> 00:39:21,640
And I never saw it again.
959
00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:25,083
[LAUGHTER]
960
00:39:30,509 --> 00:39:31,680
And it was never,
like intentional.
961
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,361
Like, ooh, I'm going to
talk about this shit.
962
00:39:33,361 --> 00:39:35,384
It was just one of those things
that I never fucking did.
963
00:39:35,384 --> 00:39:38,026
And never thought about
until Stephanie told me
964
00:39:38,026 --> 00:39:40,208
they tore apart Paisley
Park looking for
965
00:39:40,208 --> 00:39:41,660
that non-disclosure agreement.
966
00:39:41,660 --> 00:39:42,831
And it's not there.
967
00:39:42,831 --> 00:39:44,663
And I was just like, oh,
that would be because I
968
00:39:44,663 --> 00:39:47,215
probably never signed one.
969
00:39:47,215 --> 00:39:48,677
And she was like,
he was fucking mad.
970
00:39:53,532 --> 00:39:56,495
Um, and then I guess, uh, he was
on the cover of "Entertainment
971
00:39:56,495 --> 00:40:00,338
Weekly" a few months back when
he was doing the tour and shit.
972
00:40:00,338 --> 00:40:02,601
The brilliant tour
where he oversold-- you
973
00:40:02,601 --> 00:40:05,253
know, sold tickets that
were more expensive
974
00:40:05,253 --> 00:40:09,387
and included a CD, his
latest CD, "Musicology."
975
00:40:09,387 --> 00:40:12,200
And then all those tickets
sold for the concerts
976
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,223
counted as units sold for
his billboard ranking.
977
00:40:15,223 --> 00:40:17,606
So made it seem like-- you
go to a Prince concert.
978
00:40:17,606 --> 00:40:18,437
I want to see Prince.
979
00:40:18,437 --> 00:40:19,147
I don't want to
listen to "Musicology"
980
00:40:19,147 --> 00:40:20,238
because it fucking blows.
981
00:40:20,238 --> 00:40:22,751
But I want to go see Prince,
because you love "Purple Rain"
982
00:40:22,751 --> 00:40:23,452
and shit.
983
00:40:23,452 --> 00:40:25,454
And when you got there, they
were like, here's your CD.
984
00:40:25,454 --> 00:40:26,615
And you're like, oh, right on.
Free CD.
985
00:40:26,615 --> 00:40:27,946
But it wasn't free
because they built it
986
00:40:27,946 --> 00:40:28,997
into the price of the ticket.
987
00:40:28,997 --> 00:40:31,249
And every ticket they gave
out, every CD they gave out,
988
00:40:31,249 --> 00:40:32,080
counted toward Billboard.
989
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,703
So for a while, Prince was
rocking the fucking top 10
990
00:40:34,703 --> 00:40:36,555
on the Billboard and shit.
991
00:40:36,555 --> 00:40:37,566
But not really.
992
00:40:37,566 --> 00:40:39,818
But, um-- but it was
enough to get him
993
00:40:39,818 --> 00:40:41,199
on the cover of
"Entertainment Weekly."
994
00:40:41,199 --> 00:40:45,484
that, plus the fact that, you
know, he's fucking Prince.
995
00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:46,685
That gets him on there.
AUDIENCE: My second--
996
00:40:46,685 --> 00:40:47,385
Not done.
997
00:40:49,678 --> 00:40:52,060
And in his fucking
interview at one point,
998
00:40:52,060 --> 00:40:55,013
he went out of his way
to fucking talk about me,
999
00:40:55,013 --> 00:40:55,714
to bring me up.
1000
00:40:55,714 --> 00:40:57,956
And I only know that because
the guy that wrote the piece
1001
00:40:57,956 --> 00:40:59,858
is a dude who's interviewed
me a few other times.
1002
00:40:59,858 --> 00:41:01,359
And he was just like--
dropped me an email.
1003
00:41:01,359 --> 00:41:04,332
He's going, Prince talked
about you in his interview.
1004
00:41:04,332 --> 00:41:06,154
And I was like, oh,
get out of here.
1005
00:41:06,154 --> 00:41:07,476
Did he talk about
the "Evening With?"
1006
00:41:07,476 --> 00:41:08,797
And he goes, kind of.
1007
00:41:08,797 --> 00:41:10,519
He didn't reference
it specifically,
1008
00:41:10,519 --> 00:41:12,791
but he talked about
seeing "Jersey Girl."
1009
00:41:12,791 --> 00:41:13,762
And I was like, oh, right on.
1010
00:41:13,762 --> 00:41:15,413
Did he love it?
1011
00:41:15,413 --> 00:41:18,366
[LAUGHTER]
1012
00:41:18,366 --> 00:41:20,539
Because I thought maybe, you
know, he fucking watched it
1013
00:41:20,539 --> 00:41:21,720
and he was like, you know what?
1014
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:23,962
Kev's an all right guy.
1015
00:41:23,962 --> 00:41:25,764
Not the case.
1016
00:41:25,764 --> 00:41:27,556
Um, because he said
in the article.
1017
00:41:27,556 --> 00:41:28,917
He was like, I
saw "Jersey Girl."
1018
00:41:28,917 --> 00:41:29,998
And he trashed it.
1019
00:41:29,998 --> 00:41:32,811
And he said, that's what
happens when the potty mouth
1020
00:41:32,811 --> 00:41:34,332
don't work for you no more.
1021
00:41:37,485 --> 00:41:39,347
So the guy who was writing
the piece told me that.
1022
00:41:39,347 --> 00:41:40,579
And he's like, do
you have a comment?
1023
00:41:40,579 --> 00:41:42,531
And I was just like, OK.
1024
00:41:45,433 --> 00:41:47,996
Um, so I was like,
well, you know,
1025
00:41:47,996 --> 00:41:50,258
it's OK that he hated "Jersey
Girl" because I fucking
1026
00:41:50,258 --> 00:41:52,821
hated "Crystal Ball,"
which was an album
1027
00:41:52,821 --> 00:41:54,683
that he did a long time ago.
1028
00:41:54,683 --> 00:41:56,144
And he was like,
oh, that's perfect.
1029
00:41:56,144 --> 00:41:56,845
That's going in.
1030
00:41:56,845 --> 00:41:57,986
It went in the article and shit.
1031
00:41:57,986 --> 00:41:59,227
And it wasn't until
a few days later
1032
00:41:59,227 --> 00:42:02,470
where I was like, oh, I should
have just said, this coming
1033
00:42:02,470 --> 00:42:06,905
from the director of
"Under the Cherry Moon,"
1034
00:42:06,905 --> 00:42:08,667
which would have been
a little more obscure.
1035
00:42:08,667 --> 00:42:10,759
But still, he also
directed a movie.
1036
00:42:10,759 --> 00:42:12,060
So it would have been
like one director
1037
00:42:12,060 --> 00:42:13,241
tagging another and shit.
1038
00:42:13,241 --> 00:42:13,942
You know?
1039
00:42:13,942 --> 00:42:15,704
Kind of like playing
a game of the dozens.
1040
00:42:15,704 --> 00:42:18,516
But, uh, it didn't
really pan out like that.
1041
00:42:18,516 --> 00:42:20,138
I guess he read the
article or saw it,
1042
00:42:20,138 --> 00:42:21,730
but I never heard
from him again.
1043
00:42:21,730 --> 00:42:23,531
Still haven't heard
from him about that.
1044
00:42:23,531 --> 00:42:26,384
Uh, people were always kind of
mystified about what happened
1045
00:42:26,384 --> 00:42:27,606
to all the footage and shit.
1046
00:42:27,606 --> 00:42:30,989
Because Stephanie had called
me at one point and said,
1047
00:42:30,989 --> 00:42:32,641
hey, do you want to edit
this stuff together?
1048
00:42:32,641 --> 00:42:34,552
And I was like, uh, no.
1049
00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,444
I mean, not really.
1050
00:42:36,444 --> 00:42:37,646
I mean, if you
bring it to Jersey,
1051
00:42:37,646 --> 00:42:39,387
I'll totally edit it together.
1052
00:42:39,387 --> 00:42:41,630
And she's going-- I said, didn't
you guys try editing already?
1053
00:42:41,630 --> 00:42:43,131
She's like, we've gone
through a few editors.
1054
00:42:43,131 --> 00:42:44,402
And I said, why?
1055
00:42:44,402 --> 00:42:45,553
Is he that difficult
to work with?
1056
00:42:45,553 --> 00:42:46,595
She's like, well, no.
1057
00:42:46,595 --> 00:42:48,296
It's just that what he
wants to do with the footage
1058
00:42:48,296 --> 00:42:51,479
a lot of people don't
agree with ideologically.
1059
00:42:51,479 --> 00:42:52,581
And I was like,
what does he want
1060
00:42:52,581 --> 00:42:54,122
to do with the fucking footage?
1061
00:42:54,122 --> 00:42:58,246
Like, insert it into a porn?
1062
00:42:58,246 --> 00:42:59,207
Because I'm down with that.
1063
00:42:59,207 --> 00:43:00,649
I'll cut that shit.
1064
00:43:00,649 --> 00:43:03,882
And she goes, no, he wants to
turn it into a recruitment film
1065
00:43:03,882 --> 00:43:04,923
for the Jehovah's Witnesses.
1066
00:43:07,575 --> 00:43:09,527
Because he's a
Jehovah's Witness now.
1067
00:43:09,527 --> 00:43:12,370
So he wanted to take all the
footage from the interviews we
1068
00:43:12,370 --> 00:43:14,282
did and shit, inter-cut
it with concert footage,
1069
00:43:14,282 --> 00:43:16,274
and turn it into a recruitment
film for the Jehovah's
1070
00:43:16,274 --> 00:43:17,716
Witnesses and shit.
1071
00:43:17,716 --> 00:43:20,238
And I was like, get out of here.
1072
00:43:20,238 --> 00:43:21,700
That's what we were
doing this whole time?
1073
00:43:21,700 --> 00:43:23,932
She's like, I guess.
1074
00:43:23,932 --> 00:43:24,933
You want to work on it?
1075
00:43:24,933 --> 00:43:25,634
And I said, oh, shit.
1076
00:43:25,634 --> 00:43:27,816
No.
1077
00:43:27,816 --> 00:43:29,457
No, I already made
my recruitment film
1078
00:43:29,457 --> 00:43:30,488
for Catholicism.
1079
00:43:30,488 --> 00:43:32,881
I don't--
1080
00:43:32,881 --> 00:43:35,764
[APPLAUSE]
1081
00:43:40,088 --> 00:43:42,801
I said, I got no interest
in fucking doing that.
1082
00:43:42,801 --> 00:43:44,833
I was like, he's really
serious about this fucking
1083
00:43:44,833 --> 00:43:46,524
Jehovah's Witnesses shit?
1084
00:43:46,524 --> 00:43:48,036
And she's like, he
pretty hardcore.
1085
00:43:48,036 --> 00:43:49,477
I was like, how hardcore?
1086
00:43:49,477 --> 00:43:52,040
Because in my mind, I just
see fucking bing-bong.
1087
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:53,351
Open the door.
1088
00:43:53,351 --> 00:43:56,665
And Prince is like,
dearly beloved.
1089
00:43:56,665 --> 00:43:58,286
Would you like to
buy a watchtower?
1090
00:43:58,286 --> 00:44:00,669
You know?
1091
00:44:00,669 --> 00:44:02,000
But she said, that's
what he's doing.
1092
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:03,581
He's trying to use
the footage for that.
1093
00:44:03,581 --> 00:44:06,104
So the last I heard, it was
going into a recruitment film
1094
00:44:06,104 --> 00:44:07,085
for the Jehovah's Witnesses.
1095
00:44:07,085 --> 00:44:09,718
So if you're ever approached
by a bunch of Jehovah Witnesses
1096
00:44:09,718 --> 00:44:12,140
and they're just like, we'd
like you to watch this video,
1097
00:44:12,140 --> 00:44:13,631
that's my latest film.
1098
00:44:13,631 --> 00:44:17,095
[LAUGHTER]
1099
00:44:21,049 --> 00:44:21,830
AUDIENCE: Uh, hi.
1100
00:44:21,830 --> 00:44:24,502
So for all your movies,
you're like writer/director.
1101
00:44:24,502 --> 00:44:25,954
You got like five credits.
1102
00:44:25,954 --> 00:44:28,546
Um, so I figure that's got
to be a pretty good paycheck.
1103
00:44:28,546 --> 00:44:29,617
I have two questions.
1104
00:44:29,617 --> 00:44:31,159
Uh, how much are you worth?
1105
00:44:31,159 --> 00:44:32,670
And what do you waste money on?
1106
00:44:37,335 --> 00:44:38,837
How much am I worth?
1107
00:44:38,837 --> 00:44:40,518
Um, I don't know.
1108
00:44:40,518 --> 00:44:42,170
I have no idea how
much I'm worth.
1109
00:44:42,170 --> 00:44:43,792
What does that mean exactly?
1110
00:44:43,792 --> 00:44:46,995
Like to my mother,
I'm worth a lot.
1111
00:44:46,995 --> 00:44:50,288
Well-- like, what's
your net worth?
1112
00:44:50,288 --> 00:44:53,872
Like-- you know, like
if you were-- let's
1113
00:44:53,872 --> 00:44:55,513
say you were one of
those good filmmakers
1114
00:44:55,513 --> 00:44:57,746
and they put you on
that "Forbes" list.
1115
00:44:57,746 --> 00:45:01,129
[BOOING]
1116
00:45:04,502 --> 00:45:05,473
Calm down.
1117
00:45:05,473 --> 00:45:06,915
No, no, no.
1118
00:45:06,915 --> 00:45:08,636
Wait, wait, wait.
1119
00:45:08,636 --> 00:45:09,337
OK.
1120
00:45:09,337 --> 00:45:10,228
Let's say--
1121
00:45:10,228 --> 00:45:10,999
No, wait.
1122
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:12,370
Dude, I just-- I
couldn't fucking
1123
00:45:12,370 --> 00:45:13,191
hear you the first time.
1124
00:45:13,191 --> 00:45:14,432
I missed-- I missed the setup.
1125
00:45:14,432 --> 00:45:15,433
Go.
1126
00:45:15,433 --> 00:45:18,496
If you were appreciated enough
to be put on that "Forbes"
1127
00:45:18,496 --> 00:45:19,357
list--
1128
00:45:19,357 --> 00:45:20,759
On the "Forbes" list.
1129
00:45:20,759 --> 00:45:22,310
Why was everyone aww to--
1130
00:45:22,310 --> 00:45:23,271
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
1131
00:45:23,271 --> 00:45:24,012
I know.
1132
00:45:24,012 --> 00:45:24,712
I heard 'em.
1133
00:45:28,066 --> 00:45:29,477
You reined that shit
in pretty quick.
1134
00:45:29,477 --> 00:45:30,879
You're like, what if
you were good enough.
1135
00:45:30,879 --> 00:45:31,579
Oh.
1136
00:45:31,579 --> 00:45:35,954
I mean, what a-- they
were smart enough to--
1137
00:45:35,954 --> 00:45:36,795
AUDIENCE: I ad-lib like--
1138
00:45:36,795 --> 00:45:39,287
There's 2,000 fucking Canadians
who were like, let's get him.
1139
00:45:42,170 --> 00:45:44,102
Anyway, what if-- if somebody
put me on the "Forbes"
1140
00:45:44,102 --> 00:45:45,703
list, what would I be worth?
1141
00:45:45,703 --> 00:45:48,917
Obviously, I haven't
made the "Forbes" list.
1142
00:45:48,917 --> 00:45:49,617
Ballpark figure.
1143
00:45:49,617 --> 00:45:51,129
Do you have $10 million?
1144
00:45:51,129 --> 00:45:54,933
Do I have $10 million?
1145
00:45:54,933 --> 00:45:57,445
Are you looking for
a fucking loan, sir?
1146
00:46:00,708 --> 00:46:01,699
What do you mean, do I have?
1147
00:46:01,699 --> 00:46:02,400
Am I liquid?
1148
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:04,732
Am I so liquid that I got $10
million sitting somewhere?
1149
00:46:04,732 --> 00:46:05,433
Sure.
1150
00:46:05,433 --> 00:46:07,455
No.
1151
00:46:07,455 --> 00:46:08,546
Sir, I have a family.
1152
00:46:08,546 --> 00:46:10,258
I'm married and I have a kid.
1153
00:46:10,258 --> 00:46:12,450
And I buy a lot of fucking DVDs.
1154
00:46:12,450 --> 00:46:15,613
So-- I'm a real--
honestly, I kind of
1155
00:46:15,613 --> 00:46:18,566
live very hand-to-mouth,
where it's like, I get paid.
1156
00:46:18,566 --> 00:46:19,687
And then I get fat.
1157
00:46:19,687 --> 00:46:21,950
And then I go back to work.
1158
00:46:21,950 --> 00:46:23,751
And I get paid and I get fat.
1159
00:46:23,751 --> 00:46:25,984
And basically, we
just spend that money
1160
00:46:25,984 --> 00:46:27,315
until there's no money left.
1161
00:46:27,315 --> 00:46:28,666
And then I'm like,
well, what did Jay
1162
00:46:28,666 --> 00:46:30,809
and Silent Bob do this week?
1163
00:46:30,809 --> 00:46:34,532
[LAUGHTER]
1164
00:46:34,532 --> 00:46:35,233
But no.
1165
00:46:35,233 --> 00:46:37,735
I don't have a fucking $10
million sitting somewhere.
1166
00:46:37,735 --> 00:46:38,726
Affleck does.
1167
00:46:38,726 --> 00:46:41,019
Affleck has got more than $10
million sitting somewhere.
1168
00:46:41,019 --> 00:46:43,291
Affleck had that stretch
where he did like 3 movies
1169
00:46:43,291 --> 00:46:45,974
where he made $15 to $20
or something like that.
1170
00:46:45,974 --> 00:46:49,637
And thank god, because now he
can live off that for-- wait
1171
00:46:49,637 --> 00:46:51,649
till the storm passes and shit.
1172
00:46:51,649 --> 00:46:54,182
But I don't have that chunk
of change sitting someone.
1173
00:46:54,182 --> 00:46:56,034
Also, you know, Affleck's
not fucking married
1174
00:46:56,034 --> 00:46:57,065
and doesn't have a kid.
1175
00:46:57,065 --> 00:46:59,647
A wife and a kid will
fucking bleed you dry, sir.
1176
00:46:59,647 --> 00:47:00,618
I'll keep that in mind.
1177
00:47:00,618 --> 00:47:03,501
Don't fucking get married.
1178
00:47:03,501 --> 00:47:06,424
Which I don't think
is a problem for you.
1179
00:47:06,424 --> 00:47:10,248
[LAUGHTER]
1180
00:47:15,523 --> 00:47:17,205
What's your net worth, eh?
1181
00:47:17,205 --> 00:47:17,906
How much you worth?
1182
00:47:17,906 --> 00:47:19,627
What you got in the bank?
1183
00:47:19,627 --> 00:47:21,019
How many toonies and
loonies do you have?
1184
00:47:25,103 --> 00:47:26,164
Nobody has-- I give it up, sir.
1185
00:47:26,164 --> 00:47:28,146
Nobody has ever asked
me that question before,
1186
00:47:28,146 --> 00:47:29,207
how much are you worth?
1187
00:47:29,207 --> 00:47:32,610
That's a real fucking
esoteric question.
1188
00:47:32,610 --> 00:47:36,164
One that's going
to plague me, too.
1189
00:47:36,164 --> 00:47:37,715
Wake my wife up at
3:00 in the morning.
1190
00:47:37,715 --> 00:47:40,979
Honey, what am I worth?
1191
00:47:40,979 --> 00:47:41,920
Get off of me.
1192
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:42,860
Get it off of me.
1193
00:47:47,445 --> 00:47:48,146
Hi.
1194
00:47:48,146 --> 00:47:49,837
Hi, I just have two questions.
1195
00:47:49,837 --> 00:47:50,738
KEVIN SMITH: Two questions.
1196
00:47:50,738 --> 00:47:52,210
Or one question,
actually, and one comment.
1197
00:47:52,210 --> 00:47:54,302
Thank you for coming to
Toronto, first of all.
1198
00:47:54,302 --> 00:47:55,293
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
1199
00:47:59,637 --> 00:48:02,380
And my second question is
just about why you actually
1200
00:48:02,380 --> 00:48:03,461
come and do these shows.
1201
00:48:03,461 --> 00:48:05,753
What-- what reasons do you have
to come and do these shows?
1202
00:48:13,311 --> 00:48:15,433
They want you to do a
show up at Roy Thomson.
1203
00:48:15,433 --> 00:48:16,684
I don't know.
1204
00:48:16,684 --> 00:48:18,286
They got a lot of Timbits.
1205
00:48:18,286 --> 00:48:21,429
I'm there.
1206
00:48:21,429 --> 00:48:25,413
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
1207
00:48:32,900 --> 00:48:34,732
Smart motherfucker right here.
1208
00:48:38,216 --> 00:48:40,198
Come on up, sir.
1209
00:48:53,661 --> 00:48:57,395
What's your name,
new best friend?
1210
00:48:57,395 --> 00:49:00,078
My name is Adam, but all
my friends call me Jaws.
1211
00:49:00,078 --> 00:49:00,949
AUDIENCE: Hey, Jaws.
1212
00:49:00,949 --> 00:49:01,829
Hi, Jaws.
1213
00:49:01,829 --> 00:49:02,880
Because you suck dick?
1214
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:05,733
[LAUGHTER]
1215
00:49:10,959 --> 00:49:15,153
Um, back in grade 9, I hit
over 6 feet and I had braces.
1216
00:49:15,153 --> 00:49:16,844
My friend, Matt, was
a huge James Bond fan
1217
00:49:16,844 --> 00:49:18,846
and he started calling me Jaws.
1218
00:49:18,846 --> 00:49:20,228
And you sucked his dick.
1219
00:49:20,228 --> 00:49:22,940
[LAUGHTER]
1220
00:49:22,940 --> 00:49:25,283
We'll save that for
the special edition.
1221
00:49:25,283 --> 00:49:25,984
Um--
1222
00:49:25,984 --> 00:49:27,505
Because you sucked his dick.
1223
00:49:27,505 --> 00:49:28,376
Presenting my Timbits.
1224
00:49:28,376 --> 00:49:29,077
Wait.
1225
00:49:29,077 --> 00:49:30,378
So they're your Timbits?
1226
00:49:30,378 --> 00:49:31,839
Oh, I bought them.
1227
00:49:31,839 --> 00:49:33,471
Did you sweat in them?
1228
00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:36,985
Because they look a little
worse for wear, sir.
1229
00:49:36,985 --> 00:49:39,767
You didn't do anything
to them, did you?
1230
00:49:39,767 --> 00:49:41,189
I'll eat one if you want.
1231
00:49:41,189 --> 00:49:42,720
Well, what if
you put the poison
1232
00:49:42,720 --> 00:49:43,681
in but you have the antidote?
1233
00:49:43,681 --> 00:49:45,653
Pick one.
1234
00:49:45,653 --> 00:49:48,106
Pick a Timbit and I'll eat it.
1235
00:49:50,568 --> 00:49:51,549
Do that one.
1236
00:49:54,782 --> 00:49:55,483
Yeah.
1237
00:49:58,436 --> 00:50:00,168
But what if that's the one
you didn't put the poison
1238
00:50:00,168 --> 00:50:04,642
in knowing that I would
choose that one because it
1239
00:50:04,642 --> 00:50:05,963
was so different looking?
1240
00:50:09,577 --> 00:50:10,278
Security.
1241
00:50:14,282 --> 00:50:16,604
What's this?
1242
00:50:16,604 --> 00:50:18,216
I was also worried
with the no food policy
1243
00:50:18,216 --> 00:50:19,657
that they would take it away.
1244
00:50:19,657 --> 00:50:23,331
So I also smuggled a little
dime bag just in case.
1245
00:50:23,331 --> 00:50:24,282
You're giving me weed?
1246
00:50:30,568 --> 00:50:32,600
A Canadian version of weed.
1247
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:33,891
But yeah, just more Timbits.
1248
00:50:33,891 --> 00:50:37,014
Oh, it's a dime bag of Timbits.
1249
00:50:37,014 --> 00:50:38,566
Just in case if they
confiscated that one,
1250
00:50:38,566 --> 00:50:41,429
I had that one as well.
1251
00:50:41,429 --> 00:50:43,901
So this is your secret stash?
1252
00:50:43,901 --> 00:50:44,602
Exactly.
1253
00:50:47,465 --> 00:50:49,377
You guys got any questions
for the donut man?
1254
00:50:56,404 --> 00:50:57,105
All right.
1255
00:50:57,105 --> 00:50:59,417
Question?
1256
00:50:59,417 --> 00:51:02,880
[APPLAUSE]
1257
00:51:08,826 --> 00:51:11,309
AUDIENCE: Where the fuck
are my donuts, Jaws?
1258
00:51:11,309 --> 00:51:12,300
I came with you.
1259
00:51:12,300 --> 00:51:13,971
Where are my donuts?
1260
00:51:13,971 --> 00:51:16,814
I'll give you Timbits
tomorrow for free at school.
1261
00:51:16,814 --> 00:51:18,806
Remember, my mom works there.
1262
00:51:21,799 --> 00:51:22,500
She is so fired.
1263
00:51:28,566 --> 00:51:30,168
Is this what you have to
deal with all the time?
1264
00:51:35,683 --> 00:51:36,384
Owen.
1265
00:51:39,337 --> 00:51:41,319
AUDIENCE: Take your
pants off, too.
1266
00:51:45,263 --> 00:51:48,716
[APPLAUSE]
1267
00:51:56,614 --> 00:51:58,616
Thank you for signing
my comics last year.
1268
00:51:58,616 --> 00:51:59,867
You're welcome, sir.
1269
00:51:59,867 --> 00:52:02,190
Don't forget the coat.
1270
00:52:02,190 --> 00:52:04,272
Are those your glasses, sir.
1271
00:52:04,272 --> 00:52:05,483
No?
1272
00:52:05,483 --> 00:52:07,215
They are, right?
1273
00:52:07,215 --> 00:52:08,516
Well done.
1274
00:52:08,516 --> 00:52:10,988
[APPLAUSE]
1275
00:52:15,903 --> 00:52:16,834
Sir, what was your question?
1276
00:52:16,834 --> 00:52:18,686
My question was,
why do you come here?
1277
00:52:18,686 --> 00:52:21,098
Aside from money, which is
probably an obvious factor.
1278
00:52:21,098 --> 00:52:22,200
KEVIN SMITH: Aside
from the food.
1279
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:23,671
And Timbits.
1280
00:52:23,671 --> 00:52:25,933
Um, you know, honestly,
I kind of dig it.
1281
00:52:25,933 --> 00:52:26,634
I like it.
1282
00:52:26,634 --> 00:52:29,487
This is my, uh, second-- well,
third favorite part of the job.
1283
00:52:29,487 --> 00:52:30,668
I like writing.
1284
00:52:30,668 --> 00:52:31,639
I like editing.
1285
00:52:31,639 --> 00:52:33,020
Because editing is
kind of like writing.
1286
00:52:33,020 --> 00:52:34,952
It's like getting to write
another version of the script.
1287
00:52:34,952 --> 00:52:36,694
Another draft if you will.
1288
00:52:36,694 --> 00:52:38,526
And I like doing this
part because that's
1289
00:52:38,526 --> 00:52:39,427
what it's all about, right?
1290
00:52:39,427 --> 00:52:40,778
It's a communication
medium where
1291
00:52:40,778 --> 00:52:42,149
you throw the movie
out there and you see
1292
00:52:42,149 --> 00:52:43,561
if anybody identifies with it.
1293
00:52:43,561 --> 00:52:44,882
And you manufacture for use.
1294
00:52:44,882 --> 00:52:46,324
You want to-- excuse
me-- hear what
1295
00:52:46,324 --> 00:52:47,505
people have to say about it.
1296
00:52:47,505 --> 00:52:49,177
And this is kind of the
way I hear what people
1297
00:52:49,177 --> 00:52:50,358
have to think about the shit.
1298
00:52:50,358 --> 00:52:51,058
The feedback.
1299
00:52:51,058 --> 00:52:51,999
And it started that way.
1300
00:52:51,999 --> 00:52:54,001
It started by going
to the screenings,
1301
00:52:54,001 --> 00:52:55,403
doing Q&As afterwards.
1302
00:52:55,403 --> 00:52:56,804
And then, sooner
or later, we just
1303
00:52:56,804 --> 00:52:58,626
started losing the
screenings altogether
1304
00:52:58,626 --> 00:53:00,978
because people are like,
oh, fuck the movie.
1305
00:53:00,978 --> 00:53:04,522
Just get up there and talk
about your dick, you know?
1306
00:53:04,522 --> 00:53:06,424
So, uh-- I don't know,
I just kind of like it.
1307
00:53:06,424 --> 00:53:07,525
This is where I
feel comfortable.
1308
00:53:07,525 --> 00:53:09,056
I'm fucking terrible
in person, though.
1309
00:53:09,056 --> 00:53:09,987
Because that's what happens.
1310
00:53:09,987 --> 00:53:11,639
A lot of people are
like, oh, you must
1311
00:53:11,639 --> 00:53:12,870
be fucking great in a room.
1312
00:53:12,870 --> 00:53:13,891
I am terrible in a room.
1313
00:53:13,891 --> 00:53:16,894
If you get me in a room with 5,
6 people, I shut the fuck up.
1314
00:53:16,894 --> 00:53:19,307
I'm just like, hello.
1315
00:53:19,307 --> 00:53:20,538
But I can do this.
1316
00:53:20,538 --> 00:53:22,770
Like I could do
2,000, 3,000 people.
1317
00:53:22,770 --> 00:53:24,001
But one on one?
1318
00:53:24,001 --> 00:53:25,353
Dog shit.
1319
00:53:25,353 --> 00:53:26,324
Except my wife.
1320
00:53:26,324 --> 00:53:27,505
I could talk to her pretty well.
1321
00:53:27,505 --> 00:53:30,067
But like my wife will always
invite her friends over.
1322
00:53:30,067 --> 00:53:31,619
And they're just like,
why did you marry him?
1323
00:53:31,619 --> 00:53:34,372
He's such a boring guy.
1324
00:53:34,372 --> 00:53:36,534
And she hands them "An
Evening with Kevin Smith,"
1325
00:53:36,534 --> 00:53:39,247
and then they're like, oh.
1326
00:53:39,247 --> 00:53:41,539
"An Evening with Kevin
Smith" is four hours long.
1327
00:53:41,539 --> 00:53:43,210
You know?
1328
00:53:43,210 --> 00:53:45,633
And my wife's
like, no, it's not.
1329
00:53:45,633 --> 00:53:48,946
[LAUGHTER]
1330
00:53:53,761 --> 00:53:57,665
Evening with Kevin Smith is
two minutes if I'm lucky.
1331
00:53:57,665 --> 00:54:01,238
Three if he gets
on top, you know?
1332
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,960
So I don't know, I
just kind of dig it.
1333
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:03,831
I'm just kind of into it.
1334
00:54:03,831 --> 00:54:04,352
I like it.
1335
00:54:04,352 --> 00:54:05,222
I like doing it here, too.
1336
00:54:05,222 --> 00:54:06,764
Love fucking doing it in Canada.
1337
00:54:06,764 --> 00:54:07,465
Love the--
1338
00:54:07,465 --> 00:54:08,906
Last one we did at
Roy Thomson Hall
1339
00:54:08,906 --> 00:54:10,978
was hands down my favorite
Q&A I'd ever done.
1340
00:54:10,978 --> 00:54:12,300
Here at Roy Thomson.
1341
00:54:12,300 --> 00:54:15,593
[APPLAUSE]
1342
00:54:17,475 --> 00:54:19,687
Because you're-- I don't
know, you guys kind of get it.
1343
00:54:19,687 --> 00:54:21,389
It's not like they don't
get it down in the States.
1344
00:54:21,389 --> 00:54:22,560
But I don't know,
it just feels-- I
1345
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:24,602
truly feel, like welcome here.
1346
00:54:24,602 --> 00:54:27,965
Like I feel like Superman--
fucking his world
1347
00:54:27,965 --> 00:54:32,360
blew up and so Earth became
his adopted homeland.
1348
00:54:32,360 --> 00:54:34,151
And that's how I
feel about Canada.
1349
00:54:34,151 --> 00:54:37,475
[APPLAUSE]
1350
00:54:41,268 --> 00:54:43,060
Of course, the
analogy falls to shit
1351
00:54:43,060 --> 00:54:44,942
right away because,
unfortunately,
1352
00:54:44,942 --> 00:54:47,325
America has not blown up yet.
1353
00:54:47,325 --> 00:54:48,165
AUDIENCE: Give it time.
1354
00:54:48,165 --> 00:54:48,966
Although, soon.
1355
00:54:48,966 --> 00:54:51,148
Give it-- give it time.
1356
00:54:51,148 --> 00:54:54,362
And, uh-- and also, I
can't do shit to protect
1357
00:54:54,362 --> 00:54:56,824
Canada from anybody.
1358
00:54:56,824 --> 00:54:58,366
But nobody seems to want
to make war with you,
1359
00:54:58,366 --> 00:55:00,017
so it's all right, you know?
1360
00:55:00,017 --> 00:55:03,911
So basically, I could just be
like, I am protecting them.
1361
00:55:03,911 --> 00:55:05,373
Until shit starts
going on and I'm like,
1362
00:55:05,373 --> 00:55:06,664
I got your back from back here.
1363
00:55:06,664 --> 00:55:07,915
Go.
1364
00:55:07,915 --> 00:55:09,216
AUDIENCE: Behind the rock.
1365
00:55:09,216 --> 00:55:10,458
Behind the rock, sir.
1366
00:55:10,458 --> 00:55:13,310
[APPLAUSE]
1367
00:55:16,634 --> 00:55:18,516
He just became a
better writer than me.
1368
00:55:20,958 --> 00:55:21,659
But I dig i t.
1369
00:55:21,659 --> 00:55:22,600
I just kind of dig it.
1370
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:24,542
I feel at home in doing
this kind of shit.
1371
00:55:24,542 --> 00:55:25,913
This feels good.
1372
00:55:25,913 --> 00:55:27,124
You know, it's kind
of a rush, too.
1373
00:55:27,124 --> 00:55:28,736
3,000 people want to hear
what you have to say.
1374
00:55:28,736 --> 00:55:29,717
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
1375
00:55:29,717 --> 00:55:33,170
[LAUGHTER]
1376
00:55:37,535 --> 00:55:38,906
Only in this country.
1377
00:55:42,390 --> 00:55:45,503
He's talking about Getty, eh?
1378
00:55:45,503 --> 00:55:48,185
Oh, Getty's amazing.
1379
00:55:48,185 --> 00:55:51,719
Maybe he'll do a
little Tom Sawyer.
1380
00:55:51,719 --> 00:55:52,420
It's nice, though.
1381
00:55:52,420 --> 00:55:53,120
It's nice.
1382
00:55:53,120 --> 00:55:54,261
It makes you feel
wanted and shit.
1383
00:55:54,261 --> 00:55:57,675
Because then I go out in the
real world and nobody wants me.
1384
00:55:57,675 --> 00:56:00,998
Here though, I could
probably get laid.
1385
00:56:00,998 --> 00:56:03,130
Moments like this, I'm just
like, I could totally get laid.
1386
00:56:03,130 --> 00:56:04,832
That's why it's like so--
you got to keep your head
1387
00:56:04,832 --> 00:56:05,953
straight with shit like this.
1388
00:56:05,953 --> 00:56:07,224
Because you jump on
a stage and people
1389
00:56:07,224 --> 00:56:08,666
are like, wah and
shit like that.
1390
00:56:08,666 --> 00:56:11,399
You're like, oh my god,
why did I get married?
1391
00:56:11,399 --> 00:56:14,982
I could fuck all
of these people.
1392
00:56:14,982 --> 00:56:17,034
At least once, you know?
1393
00:56:17,034 --> 00:56:18,806
Till they figured out
I was a terrible lay.
1394
00:56:18,806 --> 00:56:22,390
But all I need is one crack.
1395
00:56:22,390 --> 00:56:23,911
But then, you know, I get off--
1396
00:56:23,911 --> 00:56:28,916
[LAUGHTER]
1397
00:56:28,916 --> 00:56:31,378
Then I get off stage and it's
just not really the case.
1398
00:56:31,378 --> 00:56:33,380
And then there's only one person
that ever wants to fuck me.
1399
00:56:33,380 --> 00:56:35,362
And that's-- you know,
that's kind of beautiful.
1400
00:56:37,495 --> 00:56:38,195
It is.
1401
00:56:38,195 --> 00:56:42,640
That's why I got married,
because she fucks really well.
1402
00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:43,471
And she loves me.
1403
00:56:43,471 --> 00:56:44,562
And I love her.
1404
00:56:44,562 --> 00:56:46,914
But, uh, on the stage,
you tend to like, wow,
1405
00:56:46,914 --> 00:56:48,105
this is-- I'm pretty happening.
1406
00:56:48,105 --> 00:56:49,747
And then, you know,
you go home and shit.
1407
00:56:49,747 --> 00:56:53,010
And she's like,
uh, quit farting.
1408
00:56:53,010 --> 00:56:56,303
And you remember you're
not that happening at all.
1409
00:56:56,303 --> 00:56:58,215
And she's too smart for
me to be like, look,
1410
00:56:58,215 --> 00:57:02,059
there are 3,000 fucking people
who would like to hear me fart.
1411
00:57:02,059 --> 00:57:03,931
And she'd be like, I fucking
hope so because that's how
1412
00:57:03,931 --> 00:57:05,322
we earn our living, fat ass.
1413
00:57:05,322 --> 00:57:06,023
You know?
1414
00:57:06,023 --> 00:57:08,976
[LAUGHTER]
1415
00:57:11,439 --> 00:57:14,151
She's a pretty sharp cookie.
1416
00:57:14,151 --> 00:57:15,322
But, uh, that's really it.
1417
00:57:15,322 --> 00:57:16,173
I just kind of enjoy it.
1418
00:57:16,173 --> 00:57:17,595
I mean, the money's nice, too.
Don't get me wrong.
1419
00:57:17,595 --> 00:57:18,365
It's really nice.
1420
00:57:18,365 --> 00:57:19,507
I used to do it
for free, though.
1421
00:57:19,507 --> 00:57:21,078
And then one day somebody
was just like, wow.
1422
00:57:21,078 --> 00:57:22,490
I was at a school in New Jersey.
1423
00:57:22,490 --> 00:57:25,432
I was at Rutgers in
Camden, the Camden campus.
1424
00:57:25,432 --> 00:57:27,054
And I used to just
drive places and do
1425
00:57:27,054 --> 00:57:28,456
Q&A. They'd be like,
hey, you want to come
1426
00:57:28,456 --> 00:57:29,426
talk to the college students?
1427
00:57:29,426 --> 00:57:30,277
I'd be like, yeah.
1428
00:57:30,277 --> 00:57:30,978
Right on.
1429
00:57:30,978 --> 00:57:32,590
Then one day I was
at Rutgers, Camden.
1430
00:57:32,590 --> 00:57:33,791
we were showing
clips for something,
1431
00:57:33,791 --> 00:57:34,692
so I went outside to smoke.
1432
00:57:34,692 --> 00:57:37,194
That was when I used to smoke.
1433
00:57:37,194 --> 00:57:40,067
And, uh, the chick who
was running the program
1434
00:57:40,067 --> 00:57:42,409
was like, wow, it's so awesome
that you just do this for free.
1435
00:57:42,409 --> 00:57:44,341
And I was like, it
really, really is.
1436
00:57:48,015 --> 00:57:49,647
What does that mean exactly?
1437
00:57:49,647 --> 00:57:52,329
And she's like, well, most
people kind of charge to do it.
1438
00:57:52,329 --> 00:57:54,431
And I was like,
charge to do this.
1439
00:57:54,431 --> 00:57:56,423
Why would somebody charge
for an ego boost like this?
1440
00:57:56,423 --> 00:57:58,155
This is awesome.
1441
00:57:58,155 --> 00:57:59,006
How much they make?
1442
00:58:01,819 --> 00:58:03,420
So she was like, well,
we just had Janeane here,
1443
00:58:03,420 --> 00:58:04,121
Janeane Garofalo.
1444
00:58:04,121 --> 00:58:05,092
I was like, right on.
1445
00:58:05,092 --> 00:58:05,873
How much she make?
1446
00:58:05,873 --> 00:58:07,885
She's like 20 Gs.
1447
00:58:07,885 --> 00:58:10,357
I was like--
1448
00:58:10,357 --> 00:58:13,821
[APPLAUSE]
1449
00:58:18,275 --> 00:58:20,367
20 G what?
1450
00:58:20,367 --> 00:58:26,614
$20,000 American or Canadian?
1451
00:58:26,614 --> 00:58:29,186
Which is actually pretty
fucking close now.
1452
00:58:29,186 --> 00:58:29,887
$20,000.
1453
00:58:29,887 --> 00:58:30,978
I was like, get out of here.
1454
00:58:30,978 --> 00:58:34,401
So then I started
charging for gas.
1455
00:58:34,401 --> 00:58:36,904
Then I was like, I feel secure
enough to be like, look,
1456
00:58:36,904 --> 00:58:40,818
you've got to give me gas money.
1457
00:58:40,818 --> 00:58:42,660
Pitch me $5 crumpled up.
1458
00:58:42,660 --> 00:58:44,592
Here you go.
1459
00:58:44,592 --> 00:58:47,575
Fuck off, "Clerks" boy.
1460
00:58:47,575 --> 00:58:50,538
Right on.
1461
00:58:50,538 --> 00:58:51,559
I took those fucks.
1462
00:58:51,559 --> 00:58:52,309
My net worth?
1463
00:58:52,309 --> 00:58:54,772
$5.
1464
00:58:54,772 --> 00:58:58,696
[APPLAUSE]
1465
00:59:02,570 --> 00:59:03,971
And then there was a
period where I just--
1466
00:59:03,971 --> 00:59:05,182
and then it started going up.
1467
00:59:05,182 --> 00:59:07,134
And they started paying me
more and shit like that.
1468
00:59:07,134 --> 00:59:08,766
Then I got to a place
where I just like, ugh,
1469
00:59:08,766 --> 00:59:09,767
I don't want to do it anymore.
1470
00:59:09,767 --> 00:59:11,859
Because they always send
you to remote places.
1471
00:59:11,859 --> 00:59:13,731
Like at least this we're in
the middle of a city, right?
1472
00:59:13,731 --> 00:59:17,064
So you fly into
fucking-- Pearson?
1473
00:59:17,064 --> 00:59:19,066
Pearson, is that
what it's called?
1474
00:59:19,066 --> 00:59:23,881
Named for-- you know,
that guy Pearson.
1475
00:59:23,881 --> 00:59:25,803
And, uh-- and you know,
you're in the city
1476
00:59:25,803 --> 00:59:26,924
in fucking 20 minutes.
1477
00:59:26,924 --> 00:59:28,425
Sometimes, though,
they'll send you a fucking
1478
00:59:28,425 --> 00:59:30,057
college in bumblefuck.
1479
00:59:30,057 --> 00:59:31,679
Fucking.
1480
00:59:31,679 --> 00:59:33,250
They're like, you want
to go out the Maritimes?
1481
00:59:33,250 --> 00:59:34,111
Shit, no.
1482
00:59:34,111 --> 00:59:37,064
You know?
1483
00:59:37,064 --> 00:59:39,556
You're out of your
fucking minds.
1484
00:59:39,556 --> 00:59:40,257
Um.
1485
00:59:40,257 --> 00:59:43,030
And then you fly in
and drive four hours
1486
00:59:43,030 --> 00:59:44,221
to get to the fucking college.
1487
00:59:44,221 --> 00:59:46,013
So there was a period where
I was just like, I don't
1488
00:59:46,013 --> 00:59:47,194
want to do it
anymore, so I'm just
1489
00:59:47,194 --> 00:59:49,787
going to fucking raise my fee.
1490
00:59:49,787 --> 00:59:51,619
And that way people will
be like, oh, fuck him.
1491
00:59:51,619 --> 00:59:53,681
He's not worth it.
1492
00:59:53,681 --> 00:59:55,683
And, uh, they still
kept fucking paying.
1493
00:59:55,683 --> 00:59:58,465
I was like, oh, good god.
1494
00:59:58,465 --> 00:59:59,166
They got me.
1495
00:59:59,166 --> 01:00:00,377
I guess I got to go.
1496
01:00:00,377 --> 01:00:02,740
So, uh-- but I dig it.
1497
01:00:02,740 --> 01:00:03,841
Really, I kind of dig it.
1498
01:00:03,841 --> 01:00:05,442
You know, when I'm busy,
when I'm making a flick
1499
01:00:05,442 --> 01:00:06,934
or something, I'm like, uh.
1500
01:00:06,934 --> 01:00:08,465
You know, I'd rather
concentrate on one thing.
1501
01:00:08,465 --> 01:00:10,197
But right now, I got nothing
going on at the moment,
1502
01:00:10,197 --> 01:00:12,349
except for fucking "Degrassi."
1503
01:00:12,349 --> 01:00:13,911
So I'm all up in it.
1504
01:00:13,911 --> 01:00:15,592
I'm like, send me--
I'll go anywhere.
1505
01:00:15,592 --> 01:00:16,293
Fuck it, I'm there.
1506
01:00:16,293 --> 01:00:17,815
Send me to fucking
Oakville, Kitchener.
1507
01:00:17,815 --> 01:00:19,316
I'll do all the--
1508
01:00:19,316 --> 01:00:22,820
[LAUGHTER]
1509
01:00:26,153 --> 01:00:28,095
I'll be-- I'll fucking
play to Newfie towns, too.
1510
01:00:28,095 --> 01:00:30,617
I don't give a shit.
1511
01:00:30,617 --> 01:00:32,429
Send me to every
fucking province.
1512
01:00:32,429 --> 01:00:34,391
And they're like,
you're going to Toronto.
1513
01:00:34,391 --> 01:00:36,934
I'm like, right on.
1514
01:00:36,934 --> 01:00:38,625
So, uh-- so I just
dig it, really
1515
01:00:38,625 --> 01:00:39,717
is what it comes down to.
1516
01:00:39,717 --> 01:00:40,417
AUDIENCE: All righ.
1517
01:00:40,417 --> 01:00:41,148
Thanks very much.
1518
01:00:41,148 --> 01:00:44,832
And, uh, just-- I hope that
you, uh, come back another time.
1519
01:00:44,832 --> 01:00:45,532
Come back?
1520
01:00:45,532 --> 01:00:46,233
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
1521
01:00:46,233 --> 01:00:47,284
Well, I mean, this is amazing.
1522
01:00:47,284 --> 01:00:49,737
I have never repeated a place.
1523
01:00:49,737 --> 01:00:51,538
I don't think I've ever gone
to the same place twice--
1524
01:00:51,538 --> 01:00:52,840
AUDIENCE: You should
do it three times.
1525
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:54,321
--which says a
lot about the show.
1526
01:00:54,321 --> 01:00:55,723
Because apparently--
1527
01:00:55,723 --> 01:00:58,065
[APPLAUSE]
1528
01:01:01,358 --> 01:01:03,340
Apparently, you all are
starved for entertainment
1529
01:01:03,340 --> 01:01:06,193
because most places are
like, ugh, we saw him.
1530
01:01:06,193 --> 01:01:06,894
AUDIENCE: Hockey.
1531
01:01:06,894 --> 01:01:08,375
No hockey, right?
1532
01:01:14,351 --> 01:01:15,532
The boys are on strike, eh.
1533
01:01:15,532 --> 01:01:16,754
The Leafs aren't going to play.
1534
01:01:16,754 --> 01:01:18,696
Bring the fat guy back.
1535
01:01:18,696 --> 01:01:20,627
[LAUGHTER]
1536
01:01:28,365 --> 01:01:30,557
You fuckers and
your hockey, man.
1537
01:01:30,557 --> 01:01:32,139
God, you love some hockey.
1538
01:01:32,139 --> 01:01:34,221
And the whole fucking
town-- there's a real pall
1539
01:01:34,221 --> 01:01:35,853
over the whole fucking town.
1540
01:01:35,853 --> 01:01:38,375
And I was like, what's with
all the down spirits and shit?
1541
01:01:38,375 --> 01:01:40,647
And they're like, no hockey, eh.
1542
01:01:40,647 --> 01:01:42,209
Hockey night's gone, eh.
1543
01:01:42,209 --> 01:01:43,420
Saturdays we got nothing to do.
1544
01:01:43,420 --> 01:01:47,614
We look at each other and
talk about the hockey.
1545
01:01:47,614 --> 01:01:50,237
How good it would be, how
great it was, and how wonderful
1546
01:01:50,237 --> 01:01:53,721
it will be when it comes back.
1547
01:01:53,721 --> 01:01:55,392
So I says to the guy, I
says, there's no hockey?
1548
01:01:55,392 --> 01:01:56,663
He says, I know
there's no hockey, eh.
1549
01:01:56,663 --> 01:01:57,714
And I says, well, there it is.
1550
01:02:00,307 --> 01:02:04,211
Those are actual conversations
I've listened to.
1551
01:02:04,211 --> 01:02:06,443
But generally, I don't--
I've never doubled up.
1552
01:02:06,443 --> 01:02:07,945
This is the first place
I've ever done twice.
1553
01:02:07,945 --> 01:02:09,076
And not only have
I done it twice.
1554
01:02:09,076 --> 01:02:10,697
It's not even like, he
was here three years ago.
1555
01:02:10,697 --> 01:02:12,940
I was here in fucking March.
1556
01:02:12,940 --> 01:02:14,041
Like, nothing has
really happened
1557
01:02:14,041 --> 01:02:16,323
to me between March and now.
1558
01:02:16,323 --> 01:02:17,644
So I was so worried coming back.
1559
01:02:17,644 --> 01:02:20,127
I'm like, I'm not going to
have shit to talk about.
1560
01:02:20,127 --> 01:02:21,438
But, uh, it's cool.
1561
01:02:21,438 --> 01:02:22,189
I like this room.
1562
01:02:22,189 --> 01:02:23,250
I could come back all the time.
1563
01:02:23,250 --> 01:02:24,381
And we sold it out pretty--
1564
01:02:24,381 --> 01:02:26,743
[APPLAUSE]
1565
01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:29,867
Don't, because-- don't because
you'll get tired of if.
1566
01:02:29,867 --> 01:02:31,138
If I come back in
another four months,
1567
01:02:31,138 --> 01:02:34,782
you'll be like, oh, he's talking
about his fucking dick again.
1568
01:02:34,782 --> 01:02:35,532
Oh, hockey's back?
1569
01:02:35,532 --> 01:02:38,535
Oh, fuck him.
1570
01:02:38,535 --> 01:02:39,937
Go Leafs.
1571
01:02:39,937 --> 01:02:42,339
[CHEERS]
1572
01:02:45,222 --> 01:02:46,183
Stop it.
1573
01:02:46,183 --> 01:02:51,548
Stop living into the
stereotype for Christ sake.
1574
01:02:51,548 --> 01:02:52,449
Like, what?
1575
01:02:52,449 --> 01:02:53,150
Leafs?
1576
01:02:53,150 --> 01:02:55,122
Yes, go Leafs.
1577
01:02:55,122 --> 01:02:56,463
Did they settle the strike?
1578
01:02:56,463 --> 01:02:57,164
No?
1579
01:02:57,164 --> 01:02:57,865
Fuck.
1580
01:03:01,188 --> 01:03:04,161
Um, so there it is.
1581
01:03:04,161 --> 01:03:05,542
I just kind of like doing it.
1582
01:03:05,542 --> 01:03:06,874
But you know, I can't
do it without you.
1583
01:03:06,874 --> 01:03:07,674
So thank you for coming.
1584
01:03:07,674 --> 01:03:08,425
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
1585
01:03:08,425 --> 01:03:09,376
Right on.
1586
01:03:09,376 --> 01:03:12,229
[APPLAUSE]
1587
01:03:13,650 --> 01:03:16,904
AUDIENCE: All right,
I wanted to know, um,
1588
01:03:16,904 --> 01:03:19,266
what is like the meanest,
most cold-hearted
1589
01:03:19,266 --> 01:03:22,159
thing you've ever done or
said to someone just because?
1590
01:03:25,062 --> 01:03:26,583
Meanest, cold-hearted
thing I've
1591
01:03:26,583 --> 01:03:27,784
ever done or said to anybody?
1592
01:03:27,784 --> 01:03:28,485
Yeah.
1593
01:03:28,485 --> 01:03:29,967
Did you feel bad after?
1594
01:03:29,967 --> 01:03:30,667
No.
1595
01:03:30,667 --> 01:03:32,259
It was never-- there's
never been any of that shit.
1596
01:03:32,259 --> 01:03:33,941
The meanest probably--
meanest, cold-hearted thing
1597
01:03:33,941 --> 01:03:34,842
I've ever done.
1598
01:03:34,842 --> 01:03:37,324
And I still kind of carry
it with me sometimes,
1599
01:03:37,324 --> 01:03:41,488
is, uh, junior year,
the end of junior year.
1600
01:03:41,488 --> 01:03:44,231
Uh, in high school.
1601
01:03:44,231 --> 01:03:45,332
Which is, what?
1602
01:03:45,332 --> 01:03:46,523
11th grade to you guys.
1603
01:03:46,523 --> 01:03:47,254
Grade 11, sorry.
1604
01:03:47,254 --> 01:03:48,485
Grade 11, eh.
1605
01:03:48,485 --> 01:03:51,919
Um-- uh, Michelle [BLEEP].
1606
01:03:51,919 --> 01:03:54,882
She was a classmate of
mine, really sweet girl,
1607
01:03:54,882 --> 01:03:56,743
was running for student
council president
1608
01:03:56,743 --> 01:03:58,745
because the juniors ran for
it at the end of the year
1609
01:03:58,745 --> 01:04:00,807
because you'd be the--
senior year you'd
1610
01:04:00,807 --> 01:04:02,479
be a student council president.
1611
01:04:02,479 --> 01:04:03,660
And she was running unopposed.
1612
01:04:03,660 --> 01:04:05,562
And I was just like, well,
that's not democracy.
1613
01:04:05,562 --> 01:04:07,124
Somebody should run against her.
1614
01:04:07,124 --> 01:04:09,256
And I ran against her,
just for the fuck of it.
1615
01:04:09,256 --> 01:04:09,957
Didn't want it.
1616
01:04:09,957 --> 01:04:12,920
Was just like, shouldn't
Miche-- we called her Miche.
1617
01:04:12,920 --> 01:04:13,820
Miche will totally win.
1618
01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:15,883
But there should be
somebody else in the race.
1619
01:04:15,883 --> 01:04:19,096
And it also give me a chance to
kind of get up on the PA system
1620
01:04:19,096 --> 01:04:24,001
and sing a song, which
was, uh-- 19-- what was it?
1621
01:04:24,001 --> 01:04:25,502
Fuck.
1622
01:04:25,502 --> 01:04:26,203
I forget.
1623
01:04:26,203 --> 01:04:27,925
Essentially, it was to
"New York, New York,"
1624
01:04:27,925 --> 01:04:30,247
but the chorus was vote
overweight, vote overweight.
1625
01:04:35,362 --> 01:04:38,675
And they did.
1626
01:04:38,675 --> 01:04:41,748
Proving once again that it's
not really the qualification,
1627
01:04:41,748 --> 01:04:44,091
it's just who puts
on a better show.
1628
01:04:44,091 --> 01:04:45,933
So basically, Miche
was just like,
1629
01:04:45,933 --> 01:04:48,205
if you vote for me for
student council president,
1630
01:04:48,205 --> 01:04:50,467
I will totally lead our
class and the school
1631
01:04:50,467 --> 01:04:51,618
into the next generation.
1632
01:04:51,618 --> 01:04:54,381
And then I got up there and
was like, vote overweight.
1633
01:04:54,381 --> 01:04:55,782
Vote overweight.
1634
01:04:55,782 --> 01:04:57,764
And they were like, oh,
let's vote for the fat guy.
1635
01:05:02,669 --> 01:05:03,370
Uh, and I won.
1636
01:05:03,370 --> 01:05:05,652
So senior year I was
student council president.
1637
01:05:05,652 --> 01:05:08,375
And the first thing I did as
student council president was
1638
01:05:08,375 --> 01:05:11,408
to abolish the Fall Carnival,
which was the big thing
1639
01:05:11,408 --> 01:05:12,589
everyone looked forward to.
1640
01:05:12,589 --> 01:05:14,721
[LAUGHTER]
1641
01:05:14,721 --> 01:05:15,422
Why?
1642
01:05:20,637 --> 01:05:21,388
Like, fuck it.
1643
01:05:21,388 --> 01:05:23,340
It's a waste of our time.
1644
01:05:23,340 --> 01:05:24,391
We don't need it.
1645
01:05:24,391 --> 01:05:25,222
Got rid of it.
1646
01:05:25,222 --> 01:05:27,194
And everybody was like, what
happened to the Fall Carnival?
1647
01:05:27,194 --> 01:05:28,625
And they're like,
student council president
1648
01:05:28,625 --> 01:05:29,876
got rid of it.
1649
01:05:29,876 --> 01:05:31,288
Drunk on my own
power I was like,
1650
01:05:31,288 --> 01:05:34,081
let's see how far I can go.
1651
01:05:34,081 --> 01:05:37,924
Got rid of homecoming,
which is not
1652
01:05:37,924 --> 01:05:41,148
a big deal because we didn't
have a fucking football team.
1653
01:05:41,148 --> 01:05:43,080
So I never understood why
we had a homecoming dance.
1654
01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:44,992
I was like, homecoming is
for fucking football games.
1655
01:05:44,992 --> 01:05:45,993
We don't have a football game.
1656
01:05:45,993 --> 01:05:47,174
What do we have
a homecoming for?
1657
01:05:47,174 --> 01:05:47,874
Fuck it.
1658
01:05:47,874 --> 01:05:49,586
No, it's gone.
1659
01:05:49,586 --> 01:05:50,897
And fucking people
are like, right on.
1660
01:05:50,897 --> 01:05:51,598
It's gone.
1661
01:05:51,598 --> 01:05:52,459
I was Bush.
1662
01:05:52,459 --> 01:05:54,251
You know?
1663
01:05:54,251 --> 01:05:56,333
I was flat out W. I
just made horrible,
1664
01:05:56,333 --> 01:05:58,515
fucking random decisions
and people were like,
1665
01:05:58,515 --> 01:06:00,677
he's our president.
1666
01:06:00,677 --> 01:06:03,070
[APPLAUSE]
1667
01:06:08,815 --> 01:06:11,098
I did try to abolish the prom.
1668
01:06:11,098 --> 01:06:13,460
And that one I got overruled on.
1669
01:06:13,460 --> 01:06:15,352
People are like, you can't
take away the fucking prom.
1670
01:06:15,352 --> 01:06:17,024
We've had it up to here.
1671
01:06:17,024 --> 01:06:19,606
And they kept
their fucking prom.
1672
01:06:19,606 --> 01:06:21,858
But I refused to
go to it and shit.
1673
01:06:21,858 --> 01:06:23,710
And my girlfriend at the
time was a junior, right?
1674
01:06:23,710 --> 01:06:25,472
And so I had the junior
prom the year before.
1675
01:06:25,472 --> 01:06:26,173
I had gone to it.
1676
01:06:26,173 --> 01:06:27,834
She was a sophomore
at that time.
1677
01:06:27,834 --> 01:06:28,765
And I brought her with me.
1678
01:06:28,765 --> 01:06:30,177
So we went to the junior prom.
1679
01:06:30,177 --> 01:06:31,678
So senior year, she
was supposed to go
1680
01:06:31,678 --> 01:06:32,579
with me to the senior prom.
1681
01:06:32,579 --> 01:06:35,062
We had junior/senior
prom together and shit.
1682
01:06:35,062 --> 01:06:36,133
So I told her, I was like, look.
1683
01:06:36,133 --> 01:06:37,674
I'm not doing a
fucking senior prom.
1684
01:06:37,674 --> 01:06:38,965
I'm just blowing
it off and shit.
1685
01:06:38,965 --> 01:06:40,287
I'm taking a stand.
1686
01:06:40,287 --> 01:06:40,987
Against what?
1687
01:06:40,987 --> 01:06:42,789
I don't know.
1688
01:06:42,789 --> 01:06:43,620
But I was in high school.
1689
01:06:43,620 --> 01:06:45,372
I was just rebelling
against everything,
1690
01:06:45,372 --> 01:06:46,823
including my fucking waistline.
1691
01:06:46,823 --> 01:06:49,576
So, um-- so I was
like, no fucking prom.
1692
01:06:49,576 --> 01:06:50,277
Prom's stupid.
1693
01:06:50,277 --> 01:06:51,828
A stupid fucking tradition.
1694
01:06:51,828 --> 01:06:53,090
And look, if we
want to fuck, we're
1695
01:06:53,090 --> 01:06:54,231
going to fuck at a hotel room.
1696
01:06:54,231 --> 01:06:55,932
We don't need to go to the prom.
1697
01:06:55,932 --> 01:06:57,574
Or we'll just fuck in
your parents house.
1698
01:06:57,574 --> 01:07:00,177
There's no reason to
go to the fucking prom.
1699
01:07:00,177 --> 01:07:02,339
And she was just like, but
I want to go to the prom.
1700
01:07:02,339 --> 01:07:03,940
It meant the world to her.
She wanted to go to the prom.
1701
01:07:03,940 --> 01:07:05,762
I was like, no, we're not
going to the fucking prom.
1702
01:07:05,762 --> 01:07:06,993
It's my prom.
We're not going to it.
1703
01:07:06,993 --> 01:07:07,694
It's my senior prom.
1704
01:07:07,694 --> 01:07:08,495
We're going to hang out.
1705
01:07:08,495 --> 01:07:12,289
We're going to watch fucking
"The Breakfast Club" again.
1706
01:07:12,289 --> 01:07:13,400
So she was like, all right.
1707
01:07:13,400 --> 01:07:14,521
All right.
1708
01:07:14,521 --> 01:07:18,765
And then, that
night-- class move--
1709
01:07:18,765 --> 01:07:20,397
she went to the fucking prom.
1710
01:07:20,397 --> 01:07:21,398
Didn't even tell me.
1711
01:07:21,398 --> 01:07:22,139
I called up her mom.
1712
01:07:22,139 --> 01:07:22,959
I was like, where's Kim?
1713
01:07:22,959 --> 01:07:23,520
Where Kim at?
1714
01:07:23,520 --> 01:07:25,222
We're going to hang out
and watch "Breakfast Club."
1715
01:07:25,222 --> 01:07:28,665
She's like, Kim's in
a gown at the prom.
1716
01:07:28,665 --> 01:07:32,038
And I was like, oh,
fucking-- we were supposed
1717
01:07:32,038 --> 01:07:34,501
to be rebelling together.
1718
01:07:34,501 --> 01:07:36,633
And she had no interest
in rebelling and shit.
1719
01:07:36,633 --> 01:07:40,367
And that was where our kind of
relationship started to-- she
1720
01:07:40,367 --> 01:07:41,338
didn't want to rebel with me.
1721
01:07:41,338 --> 01:07:43,990
I wasn't going to roll
like that and shit.
1722
01:07:43,990 --> 01:07:46,243
So, uh-- so it comes
to the end of the year.
1723
01:07:46,243 --> 01:07:47,694
And basically, the
student council's
1724
01:07:47,694 --> 01:07:49,726
in charge of the elections
for the next round
1725
01:07:49,726 --> 01:07:52,749
of student council elections,
the juniors who are running.
1726
01:07:52,749 --> 01:07:54,781
And, uh, there was a
kid who was running
1727
01:07:54,781 --> 01:07:57,184
for, uh, student
council president
1728
01:07:57,184 --> 01:07:58,865
against, uh, some girl.
1729
01:07:58,865 --> 01:08:00,547
And their names-- well, fuck it.
1730
01:08:00,547 --> 01:08:01,978
I'm not going to
tell you their names
1731
01:08:01,978 --> 01:08:03,420
because the story's pretty bad.
1732
01:08:03,420 --> 01:08:04,851
And, um--
1733
01:08:04,851 --> 01:08:06,213
So basically, there
was a kid-- one
1734
01:08:06,213 --> 01:08:07,664
guy running, one girl running.
1735
01:08:07,664 --> 01:08:09,816
And, uh, my Spanish
teacher at the time
1736
01:08:09,816 --> 01:08:11,968
pulled me aside and was like,
you know you're failing, right?
1737
01:08:11,968 --> 01:08:12,999
You're going to fail this year?
1738
01:08:12,999 --> 01:08:14,681
Excellent teacher. [BLEEP].
1739
01:08:14,681 --> 01:08:15,742
Fantastic fucking teacher.
1740
01:08:15,742 --> 01:08:17,164
But I was a terrible student.
1741
01:08:17,164 --> 01:08:19,336
Didn't bother to learn
any Spanish and shit.
1742
01:08:19,336 --> 01:08:21,468
Didn't know that one day I
would live in Los Angeles
1743
01:08:21,468 --> 01:08:23,570
and need Spanish.
1744
01:08:23,570 --> 01:08:24,981
I was like, I live
in New Jersey.
1745
01:08:24,981 --> 01:08:25,842
I'll never need Spanish.
1746
01:08:25,842 --> 01:08:26,593
Moved to LA.
1747
01:08:26,593 --> 01:08:27,544
I need Spanish.
1748
01:08:27,544 --> 01:08:28,485
So, uh--
1749
01:08:28,485 --> 01:08:29,516
AUDIENCE: Dora.
1750
01:08:29,516 --> 01:08:30,597
That's why I watch Dora.
1751
01:08:30,597 --> 01:08:31,298
All right.
1752
01:08:31,298 --> 01:08:33,530
Rein it in, sir.
1753
01:08:33,530 --> 01:08:36,743
Not everything is the rock.
1754
01:08:36,743 --> 01:08:41,958
Um, so, uh-- but
still, I liked it.
1755
01:08:41,958 --> 01:08:43,690
I tried to pull your credit
away, but that was good.
1756
01:08:43,690 --> 01:08:47,754
Um, so, uh-- that was good.
1757
01:08:47,754 --> 01:08:51,077
So, um-- I got to remember
that for the next show.
1758
01:08:51,077 --> 01:08:55,172
Dude, I'm taking
all your material.
1759
01:08:55,172 --> 01:09:01,618
Um, so, uh-- so my Spanish
teacher says to me, listen, uh,
1760
01:09:01,618 --> 01:09:02,719
do you want to pass?
1761
01:09:02,719 --> 01:09:04,080
I was like, oh, god.
1762
01:09:04,080 --> 01:09:06,923
I'm going to have to
blow this motherfucker.
1763
01:09:06,923 --> 01:09:10,287
[LAUGHTER]
1764
01:09:14,130 --> 01:09:15,081
Because I'm OK.
1765
01:09:15,081 --> 01:09:16,753
I'm OK with blow jobs, man.
1766
01:09:16,753 --> 01:09:17,624
Like, I get it.
1767
01:09:17,624 --> 01:09:19,756
Like, I know-- I'm
comfortable with my sexuality.
1768
01:09:19,756 --> 01:09:24,321
Doesn't mean I can't take a shot
in the mouth for a good grade.
1769
01:09:24,321 --> 01:09:26,323
It doesn't necessarily
make me gay,
1770
01:09:26,323 --> 01:09:30,347
it just means I give good head.
1771
01:09:30,347 --> 01:09:31,828
So he's like, no, none of that.
1772
01:09:31,828 --> 01:09:34,861
He said, uh, I
just want-- I want
1773
01:09:34,861 --> 01:09:39,296
you to make sure that the
chick wins and not the guy.
1774
01:09:39,296 --> 01:09:40,217
And I was like, really?
1775
01:09:40,217 --> 01:09:42,649
You want me to
throw the election
1776
01:09:42,649 --> 01:09:43,750
and you'll pass me in Spanish?
1777
01:09:43,750 --> 01:09:47,173
And he was like, totally.
1778
01:09:47,173 --> 01:09:48,745
I was like, I don't know, man.
1779
01:09:48,745 --> 01:09:50,957
I got to think about this.
1780
01:09:50,957 --> 01:09:53,920
All right.
1781
01:09:53,920 --> 01:09:55,312
Votes came in and shit.
1782
01:09:55,312 --> 01:09:56,653
And we tallied them up and shit.
1783
01:09:56,653 --> 01:09:58,905
Because guess who
counted the votes?
1784
01:09:58,905 --> 01:10:02,339
I was like the chick
in Florida, dude.
1785
01:10:02,339 --> 01:10:03,700
What's her name?
1786
01:10:03,700 --> 01:10:04,601
AUDIENCE: Katherine Harris.
1787
01:10:04,601 --> 01:10:06,773
I was fucking Katherine Harris.
1788
01:10:06,773 --> 01:10:09,135
A 12th grade Katherine Harris.
1789
01:10:09,135 --> 01:10:10,176
Tossing shit away.
1790
01:10:10,176 --> 01:10:13,009
I was like, where
are the black votes?
1791
01:10:13,009 --> 01:10:16,863
[LAUGHTER]
1792
01:10:20,717 --> 01:10:23,500
So basically, the guy won
by a very slim margin.
1793
01:10:23,500 --> 01:10:24,231
The girl didn't.
1794
01:10:24,231 --> 01:10:28,835
And sure enough, I was
just like one, two, three.
1795
01:10:28,835 --> 01:10:31,328
Hey, she won.
1796
01:10:31,328 --> 01:10:33,079
And that was probably
the worst thing I've
1797
01:10:33,079 --> 01:10:34,180
fucking ever done in my life.
1798
01:10:34,180 --> 01:10:36,263
That girl got to be student
council president and that dude
1799
01:10:36,263 --> 01:10:39,065
spiraled fucking
downwards and, uh,
1800
01:10:39,065 --> 01:10:39,996
kissed the end of a shotgun.
1801
01:10:39,996 --> 01:10:40,747
Blew his head off.
1802
01:10:45,542 --> 01:10:46,242
Or something.
1803
01:10:46,242 --> 01:10:49,015
I-- I can't remember.
1804
01:10:49,015 --> 01:10:51,448
I never did the
follow-up to that story.
1805
01:10:51,448 --> 01:10:52,679
I just know that he didn't win.
1806
01:10:52,679 --> 01:10:54,881
And really, legitimately he did.
1807
01:10:54,881 --> 01:10:56,623
But the real weird
fucking vengeance
1808
01:10:56,623 --> 01:11:01,658
is that dude wound up dating
my ex-girlfriend the next year,
1809
01:11:01,658 --> 01:11:03,700
which he must've known, right?
1810
01:11:03,700 --> 01:11:05,732
He was like, you
steal my presidency.
1811
01:11:05,732 --> 01:11:08,795
I'm going to steal your
fucking pussy, sir.
1812
01:11:08,795 --> 01:11:11,678
So then I went out
with his girlfriend.
1813
01:11:11,678 --> 01:11:13,249
I was like, you're
going to steal my pussy
1814
01:11:13,249 --> 01:11:14,140
for stealing the election?
1815
01:11:14,140 --> 01:11:16,633
I'm going to fucking
steal your pussy, sir.
1816
01:11:16,633 --> 01:11:18,054
And then we were all miserable.
1817
01:11:18,054 --> 01:11:21,778
[LAUGHTER]
1818
01:11:23,640 --> 01:11:25,872
And the great irony is the
girl that he was dating,
1819
01:11:25,872 --> 01:11:27,724
his girlfriend that I
wound up stealing and going
1820
01:11:27,724 --> 01:11:30,186
out with was named Amy.
1821
01:11:30,186 --> 01:11:32,118
And so forever more,
people would come up to her
1822
01:11:32,118 --> 01:11:34,531
and be like, oh my god, didn't
you date the "Clerks" guy?
1823
01:11:34,531 --> 01:11:36,012
Is "Chasing Amy" about you?
1824
01:11:36,012 --> 01:11:36,943
And she'd be like, no.
1825
01:11:39,486 --> 01:11:42,108
And it's not.
1826
01:11:42,108 --> 01:11:44,581
But I like the name.
1827
01:11:44,581 --> 01:11:48,034
That story has no
ending, really.
1828
01:11:48,034 --> 01:11:48,985
Wait, no.
1829
01:11:48,985 --> 01:11:50,767
It does.
1830
01:11:50,767 --> 01:11:54,130
That motherfucker came looking
for blood and what did I do?
1831
01:11:54,130 --> 01:11:56,653
Hid behind a rock.
1832
01:11:56,653 --> 01:12:00,126
[LAUGHTER]
1833
01:12:07,994 --> 01:12:08,695
AUDIENCE: Hey, man.
1834
01:12:08,695 --> 01:12:10,487
I want to say good job in
the movies and everything.
1835
01:12:10,487 --> 01:12:11,578
Thank you, sir.
1836
01:12:11,578 --> 01:12:13,350
In "Roadside Attractions,"
everything's really good.
1837
01:12:13,350 --> 01:12:15,442
I had a question for
Mewes, but he deeked.
1838
01:12:15,442 --> 01:12:17,914
You are the most laidback
person I've ever met.
1839
01:12:17,914 --> 01:12:21,908
You're just like,
right on, dude.
1840
01:12:21,908 --> 01:12:24,531
Rock on with your bad self in
the "Roadside Attractions."
1841
01:12:24,531 --> 01:12:25,712
You are super-cool, sir.
1842
01:12:25,712 --> 01:12:27,944
You're Fonzie.
1843
01:12:27,944 --> 01:12:29,295
Hey.
1844
01:12:29,295 --> 01:12:31,618
Anyways, um--
1845
01:12:31,618 --> 01:12:34,260
Fonzie was Canadian, wasn't he?
1846
01:12:34,260 --> 01:12:36,342
Hey.
1847
01:12:36,342 --> 01:12:39,556
AUDIENCE: I left my
leather jacket at home.
1848
01:12:39,556 --> 01:12:41,518
I was going to say
that you have an image.
1849
01:12:41,518 --> 01:12:43,820
The trench coat,
jacket, the beard.
1850
01:12:43,820 --> 01:12:46,623
Have you ever thought about
getting rid of the beard?
1851
01:12:46,623 --> 01:12:49,526
Because you look at guys like
Chuck Norris and Chewbacca,
1852
01:12:49,526 --> 01:12:51,448
Jesus even.
1853
01:12:51,448 --> 01:12:53,420
Without a beard--
1854
01:12:53,420 --> 01:12:57,384
[LAUGHTER]
1855
01:13:00,837 --> 01:13:05,081
Without a beard, they would
like lose all their power
1856
01:13:05,081 --> 01:13:06,332
and their credibility.
1857
01:13:06,332 --> 01:13:07,834
And, uh--
1858
01:13:07,834 --> 01:13:12,218
[LAUGHTER]
1859
01:13:15,632 --> 01:13:17,634
I was just going to ask have
you ever thought of that?
1860
01:13:17,634 --> 01:13:21,007
Because I think it'd be a truly
horrible thing if you did that.
1861
01:13:21,007 --> 01:13:21,978
You would, uh-- I don't know.
1862
01:13:21,978 --> 01:13:23,079
Like, no one would
recognize you.
1863
01:13:23,079 --> 01:13:23,790
I wouldn't.
1864
01:13:23,790 --> 01:13:26,122
You know?
1865
01:13:26,122 --> 01:13:28,665
Like, Alex Trebek got
rid of his mustache.
1866
01:13:28,665 --> 01:13:30,577
And I was watching
"Jeopardy," who is that guy?
1867
01:13:30,577 --> 01:13:32,539
I didn't know who he was.
1868
01:13:32,539 --> 01:13:35,401
[LAUGHTER]
1869
01:13:39,245 --> 01:13:41,728
It's like having a conversation
with one of my characters.
1870
01:13:41,728 --> 01:13:44,711
[LAUGHTER]
1871
01:13:53,139 --> 01:13:55,271
Sir, I just think that
it's fucking brilliant
1872
01:13:55,271 --> 01:13:58,535
that you somehow
managed to tie Chuck
1873
01:13:58,535 --> 01:14:08,595
Norris, Chewbacca the Wookie,
and Jesus Christ together.
1874
01:14:08,595 --> 01:14:11,077
[APPLAUSE]
1875
01:14:16,032 --> 01:14:19,626
Because if I was on a fucking
game show and somebody said,
1876
01:14:19,626 --> 01:14:23,049
name three people
who have beards,
1877
01:14:23,049 --> 01:14:26,392
maybe-- maybe I would be like,
uh, the son of God, our Lord
1878
01:14:26,392 --> 01:14:28,645
and Savior Jesus Christ.
1879
01:14:28,645 --> 01:14:31,718
I wouldn't even-- Chuck
Norris wouldnt' come to mind.
1880
01:14:31,718 --> 01:14:32,819
Never in a million years.
1881
01:14:32,819 --> 01:14:33,520
I don't even know.
1882
01:14:33,520 --> 01:14:34,340
Does he have a beard?
1883
01:14:34,340 --> 01:14:35,682
Doesn't he just rock a mustache?
1884
01:14:35,682 --> 01:14:36,633
He's got a beard.
1885
01:14:36,633 --> 01:14:37,584
KEVIN SMITH: Does he really?
1886
01:14:37,584 --> 01:14:39,966
[LAUGHTER]
1887
01:14:41,878 --> 01:14:45,662
You and me on that
game show, you win.
1888
01:14:45,662 --> 01:14:48,094
Chewie I wouldn't even think of.
1889
01:14:48,094 --> 01:14:49,455
Chewie would be the answer.
1890
01:14:49,455 --> 01:14:50,657
They're like, judges?
1891
01:14:50,657 --> 01:14:53,570
And they're like--
1892
01:14:53,570 --> 01:14:56,472
[LAUGHTER]
1893
01:15:02,308 --> 01:15:04,350
Um, have I ever thought
about taking off the beard?
1894
01:15:04,350 --> 01:15:07,063
I do take it off
from time to time.
1895
01:15:07,063 --> 01:15:09,285
But, uh, only if I've
got nothing going on.
1896
01:15:09,285 --> 01:15:10,506
Like if I'm not
going to have to be
1897
01:15:10,506 --> 01:15:13,540
public, except to go to the
store and shit like that.
1898
01:15:13,540 --> 01:15:14,741
But if I don't have
to get on stage,
1899
01:15:14,741 --> 01:15:16,132
or take a picture, or
something like that.
1900
01:15:16,132 --> 01:15:19,546
Because when I take it off, I
look dramatically different.
1901
01:15:19,546 --> 01:15:23,870
I look like a
16-year-old fat kid.
1902
01:15:23,870 --> 01:15:26,102
As opposed to a
34-year-old fat man.
1903
01:15:26,102 --> 01:15:28,665
Um, and it also--
my wife hates it.
1904
01:15:28,665 --> 01:15:30,627
Like, the first time I took
it off when we were together,
1905
01:15:30,627 --> 01:15:31,527
I came out of the bathroom.
1906
01:15:31,527 --> 01:15:32,799
I was like, notice
anything different?
1907
01:15:32,799 --> 01:15:33,970
She was like, oh, Jesus.
1908
01:15:33,970 --> 01:15:36,362
Whoa.
1909
01:15:36,362 --> 01:15:39,986
Dig it out of the
drain and glue it back.
1910
01:15:39,986 --> 01:15:41,137
She hated it.
She hated it.
1911
01:15:41,137 --> 01:15:42,769
And the first time I did
it when I had the kid,
1912
01:15:42,769 --> 01:15:45,952
she was just like, ah.
1913
01:15:45,952 --> 01:15:47,533
Because suddenly I
wasn't dad anymore.
1914
01:15:47,533 --> 01:15:49,756
I was just some random
fat dude fucking her mom.
1915
01:15:54,080 --> 01:15:55,962
So I have taken it
off from time to time,
1916
01:15:55,962 --> 01:15:58,665
but I just look really,
really bad with it, you know?
1917
01:15:58,665 --> 01:16:01,057
It's just-- you know?
1918
01:16:01,057 --> 01:16:04,170
Fucking chin city and shit.
1919
01:16:04,170 --> 01:16:06,512
AUDIENCE: Your
wife if your beard.
1920
01:16:06,512 --> 01:16:07,664
My wife is my beard, isn't she?
1921
01:16:12,048 --> 01:16:13,249
Oh, sir.
1922
01:16:13,249 --> 01:16:14,761
Who was it?
1923
01:16:14,761 --> 01:16:15,582
That was you.
1924
01:16:15,582 --> 01:16:18,184
That was your move.
1925
01:16:18,184 --> 01:16:20,196
Because in your head you know
you were sitting there going,
1926
01:16:20,196 --> 01:16:21,998
I'm going to yell out
your wife is your beard
1927
01:16:21,998 --> 01:16:24,070
and they'll laugh like they
laughed at the rock guy.
1928
01:16:24,070 --> 01:16:28,995
[LAUGHTER]
1929
01:16:28,995 --> 01:16:30,086
And you yelled it out.
1930
01:16:30,086 --> 01:16:30,967
You got it out there.
1931
01:16:30,967 --> 01:16:33,479
You had the guts
to do it and shit.
1932
01:16:33,479 --> 01:16:35,822
And then I even echoed
it for you, just in case
1933
01:16:35,822 --> 01:16:38,274
the cheap seats didn't hear.
1934
01:16:38,274 --> 01:16:40,837
And there was fucking
crickets, sir.
1935
01:16:40,837 --> 01:16:44,580
[LAUGHTER]
1936
01:16:44,580 --> 01:16:47,323
You are fucking
"Gigli" incarnate, sir.
1937
01:16:47,323 --> 01:16:53,609
[LAUGHTER]
1938
01:16:53,609 --> 01:16:54,781
But I respected that.
1939
01:16:54,781 --> 01:16:56,342
That would have
been my go-to joke.
1940
01:16:56,342 --> 01:16:58,014
I should have fucking
thought of that.
1941
01:16:58,014 --> 01:16:59,115
I should have been
like, I'd rock
1942
01:16:59,115 --> 01:17:02,478
the my wife is a beard joke
and talk about sucking cock.
1943
01:17:02,478 --> 01:17:05,271
Thank god you did it first.
1944
01:17:05,271 --> 01:17:06,532
I will never use that joke.
1945
01:17:09,225 --> 01:17:11,768
Right on.
1946
01:17:11,768 --> 01:17:14,771
You're feeling pretty good right
about now because you're like,
1947
01:17:14,771 --> 01:17:16,142
I busted out Chuck Norris.
1948
01:17:18,264 --> 01:17:18,965
Anywho.
1949
01:17:18,965 --> 01:17:22,138
No, I've never shaved the
beard, uh, on a regular basis.
1950
01:17:22,138 --> 01:17:24,620
You should bring the "Roadside
Attractions" with Leno
1951
01:17:24,620 --> 01:17:26,272
to Toronto.
I think that'd be pretty funny.
1952
01:17:26,272 --> 01:17:27,103
Do "Roadsides" up here?
1953
01:17:27,103 --> 01:17:27,804
Yeah.
1954
01:17:27,804 --> 01:17:28,965
Yeah, I'd like to.
1955
01:17:28,965 --> 01:17:30,506
I would like to totally do that.
1956
01:17:30,506 --> 01:17:31,467
You like them, huh?
1957
01:17:31,467 --> 01:17:32,258
Yeah, for sure.
1958
01:17:32,258 --> 01:17:32,959
They're not bad.
1959
01:17:32,959 --> 01:17:33,930
I have a fun time doing them.
1960
01:17:33,930 --> 01:17:35,541
The guy that I do those
with, Andy McElfresh.
1961
01:17:35,541 --> 01:17:37,413
He's the real brains behind it.
1962
01:17:37,413 --> 01:17:39,595
He's way into that
kind of sense of humor.
1963
01:17:39,595 --> 01:17:42,078
And my jokes, I tend
to write very long--
1964
01:17:42,078 --> 01:17:42,979
they're not even jokes.
1965
01:17:42,979 --> 01:17:43,920
It's just observations.
1966
01:17:43,920 --> 01:17:47,463
And he's a real joke guy, go
for the punchline kind of thing.
1967
01:17:47,463 --> 01:17:49,405
So if you really
like those, truly
1968
01:17:49,405 --> 01:17:50,476
he's the genius behind them.
1969
01:17:50,476 --> 01:17:51,808
I'm just the guy
who stands there
1970
01:17:51,808 --> 01:17:54,781
and fucking dances like a chimp.
1971
01:17:54,781 --> 01:17:58,564
Every once in a while, I find
something quick to tag up with.
1972
01:17:58,564 --> 01:18:00,166
But, uh-- yeah,
they've been fun to do.
1973
01:18:00,166 --> 01:18:01,477
I would like to do one up here.
1974
01:18:01,477 --> 01:18:02,959
That'd be nice.
1975
01:18:02,959 --> 01:18:04,711
You don't really have
attractions, though.
1976
01:18:04,711 --> 01:18:07,243
Like CN Tower and that's it.
1977
01:18:07,243 --> 01:18:09,195
AUDIENCE: Tim Hortons.
1978
01:18:09,195 --> 01:18:11,327
Tim Hortons, that's not
really a roadside attraction.
1979
01:18:11,327 --> 01:18:12,028
AUDIENCE: Leaf--
1980
01:18:12,028 --> 01:18:14,731
Tim Hortons is fucking
legion in this country.
1981
01:18:14,731 --> 01:18:16,923
What do you got, 30 million
people living up here?
1982
01:18:16,923 --> 01:18:19,545
You have 31 million Tim Hortons.
1983
01:18:19,545 --> 01:18:23,980
There was one Tim Horton,
1.8-- 1.0008 Tim Hortons
1984
01:18:23,980 --> 01:18:26,082
per fucking resident of Canada.
1985
01:18:26,082 --> 01:18:26,883
You all got your own.
1986
01:18:26,883 --> 01:18:28,134
Like, what's that?
1987
01:18:28,134 --> 01:18:30,246
Oh, that's Bob's Tim Hortons.
1988
01:18:30,246 --> 01:18:30,947
Bob who?
1989
01:18:30,947 --> 01:18:33,119
I don't know.
1990
01:18:33,119 --> 01:18:36,522
But there's one guy
named Bob and that's his.
1991
01:18:36,522 --> 01:18:38,624
So Tim Hortons wouldn't
really be a stop, man.
1992
01:18:38,624 --> 01:18:39,325
AUDIENCE: Leafs.
1993
01:18:39,325 --> 01:18:41,818
The Leafs is not really
a roadside attraction.
1994
01:18:41,818 --> 01:18:43,209
It's a sporting team.
1995
01:18:43,209 --> 01:18:44,380
AUDIENCE: Hall of Fame.
1996
01:18:44,380 --> 01:18:46,502
Hall of Fame is definitely
a roadside attraction.
1997
01:18:46,502 --> 01:18:47,203
Good point.
1998
01:18:47,203 --> 01:18:48,014
AUDIENCE: Falls.
1999
01:18:48,014 --> 01:18:50,877
Oh, fuck the Falls.
2000
01:18:50,877 --> 01:18:52,628
I just went back to the
Falls for the first time.
2001
01:18:52,628 --> 01:18:54,180
I have not been to
fucking Niagara Falls
2002
01:18:54,180 --> 01:18:56,522
since I was five years
old and my parents took us
2003
01:18:56,522 --> 01:18:57,643
on a road trip and shit.
2004
01:18:57,643 --> 01:18:59,095
We drove up to the
Falls because my parents
2005
01:18:59,095 --> 01:19:00,486
had honeymooned there and shit.
2006
01:19:00,486 --> 01:19:01,617
So I guess they
wanted to go back.
2007
01:19:01,617 --> 01:19:03,820
My old man wanted to get another
crack at her up at the Falls.
2008
01:19:06,702 --> 01:19:09,505
So I was five years old and
we went to the fucking Falls.
2009
01:19:09,505 --> 01:19:11,357
Me, and my brother, my
sister, my parents and shit.
2010
01:19:11,357 --> 01:19:12,748
And took those fake photographs.
2011
01:19:12,748 --> 01:19:14,771
This is when it was all
about the barrels and shit.
2012
01:19:14,771 --> 01:19:16,893
So you stood in a fake barrel
with the fake Falls behind you
2013
01:19:16,893 --> 01:19:19,425
and acted like you
were going over.
2014
01:19:19,425 --> 01:19:23,379
As if anyone would be
hanging outside a barrel to
2015
01:19:23,379 --> 01:19:24,280
go down the Falls.
2016
01:19:24,280 --> 01:19:27,733
And you couldn't see the
stairs under my feet and shit.
2017
01:19:27,733 --> 01:19:29,065
But the one thing
they did do was
2018
01:19:29,065 --> 01:19:31,487
like take us up in a fucking
helicopter, you know?
2019
01:19:31,487 --> 01:19:33,479
They sent-- it was
my mom, I guess.
2020
01:19:33,479 --> 01:19:34,180
No, my dad.
2021
01:19:34,180 --> 01:19:36,082
My dad was the one that was
like, let the kids go up
2022
01:19:36,082 --> 01:19:36,783
in the helicopter.
2023
01:19:36,783 --> 01:19:37,994
My mom was like, no, no, no.
2024
01:19:37,994 --> 01:19:39,695
My dad was like,
no, they'll be fine.
2025
01:19:39,695 --> 01:19:41,567
My old man was like,
if the kids die,
2026
01:19:41,567 --> 01:19:43,940
I get another
crack at her alone.
2027
01:19:43,940 --> 01:19:46,142
Because we were all crammed
in the same room and shit.
2028
01:19:46,142 --> 01:19:47,884
So either that or my old
man was like, while they're
2029
01:19:47,884 --> 01:19:49,555
up in the elevator-- in
the helicopter and shit,
2030
01:19:49,555 --> 01:19:53,139
I'm going to go tag her in the
bathroom, which I would like
2031
01:19:53,139 --> 01:19:55,621
to think of my friends as being
those people, who are just
2032
01:19:55,621 --> 01:19:56,582
like, are the kids up there?
2033
01:19:56,582 --> 01:19:59,785
All right, fucking do it quick.
2034
01:19:59,785 --> 01:20:02,648
[LAUGHTER]
2035
01:20:05,051 --> 01:20:06,672
Which I don't-- I don't
think is disrespectful.
2036
01:20:06,672 --> 01:20:09,005
Like, my old man died last
year and I miss him like mad.
2037
01:20:09,005 --> 01:20:10,967
My mother misses him
way, way fucking more.
2038
01:20:10,967 --> 01:20:12,518
But the older you
get in life, the more
2039
01:20:12,518 --> 01:20:15,231
you realize your parents are as
full of shit as anybody else.
2040
01:20:15,231 --> 01:20:15,962
They're just like you.
2041
01:20:15,962 --> 01:20:18,955
They probably did the same
shit you do and shit like that.
2042
01:20:18,955 --> 01:20:21,327
So I like to think of my
parents not so much as,
2043
01:20:21,327 --> 01:20:23,669
you know, ah, gods up
on fucking pillars,
2044
01:20:23,669 --> 01:20:25,081
as two people who
were trying to fucking
2045
01:20:25,081 --> 01:20:28,454
it get it on in a bathroom
in a public restroom.
2046
01:20:28,454 --> 01:20:30,056
Like that kind of thing,
where old man's like,
2047
01:20:30,056 --> 01:20:31,327
you get on the other
side of this wall
2048
01:20:31,327 --> 01:20:33,029
and fucking glory
hole me, woman.
2049
01:20:33,029 --> 01:20:34,010
You know?
2050
01:20:34,010 --> 01:20:37,453
[LAUGHTER]
2051
01:20:41,527 --> 01:20:42,498
It's true, though.
2052
01:20:42,498 --> 01:20:44,290
Whenever-- whenever--
I do miss my father.
2053
01:20:44,290 --> 01:20:45,892
But whenever I miss
him, I just think of him
2054
01:20:45,892 --> 01:20:47,113
in very human terms and shit.
2055
01:20:47,113 --> 01:20:49,105
Because when you miss the
dead, you tend to really like,
2056
01:20:49,105 --> 01:20:52,388
you know, think of all these
wonderful things that they did.
2057
01:20:52,388 --> 01:20:53,860
And they had no flaws
and shit like that.
2058
01:20:53,860 --> 01:20:56,732
And I tend to-- to combat
the emotions or the tears,
2059
01:20:56,732 --> 01:20:59,615
I tend to try to humanize my
father as much as possible.
2060
01:20:59,615 --> 01:21:01,227
And just think about
my old man being like,
2061
01:21:01,227 --> 01:21:03,509
trying to wake my mother
up in the middle of night,
2062
01:21:03,509 --> 01:21:05,501
rubbing it on her asshole.
2063
01:21:05,501 --> 01:21:08,915
[LAUGHTER]
2064
01:21:19,665 --> 01:21:22,889
And then my mother being
like, you're crazy.
2065
01:21:22,889 --> 01:21:23,679
Not now.
2066
01:21:23,679 --> 01:21:25,251
And then my old man being
like, all right, just
2067
01:21:25,251 --> 01:21:27,723
watch while I jerk off then.
2068
01:21:27,723 --> 01:21:32,098
[LAUGHTER]
2069
01:21:38,094 --> 01:21:39,225
And then I just
kind of get silly.
2070
01:21:39,225 --> 01:21:39,926
I giggle.
2071
01:21:39,926 --> 01:21:42,898
Like, yeah, that was
probably my father.
2072
01:21:42,898 --> 01:21:44,971
Because you never get to know
that aspect of your parents,
2073
01:21:44,971 --> 01:21:45,381
right?
2074
01:21:45,381 --> 01:21:46,923
Particularly when they
kind of go away early.
2075
01:21:46,923 --> 01:21:48,324
Because I'd always ask
my dad, I was like,
2076
01:21:48,324 --> 01:21:49,725
what were your dreams
and shit like that?
2077
01:21:49,725 --> 01:21:51,737
And my old man was
too cool for school.
2078
01:21:51,737 --> 01:21:53,349
He was just like, are
you asking me this
2079
01:21:53,349 --> 01:21:57,984
because you want to rub it in
that I never achieved them?
2080
01:21:57,984 --> 01:21:59,465
And that you're living
the fucking dream
2081
01:21:59,465 --> 01:22:02,868
and I'm stuck here with her?
2082
01:22:02,868 --> 01:22:04,620
My father was-- like
I love him to death
2083
01:22:04,620 --> 01:22:05,451
and he took me to movies.
2084
01:22:05,451 --> 01:22:07,713
I have a career in
film because my old man
2085
01:22:07,713 --> 01:22:09,815
would take me to movies, show me
to movies, and shit like that.
2086
01:22:09,815 --> 01:22:11,867
My old man took me to see, like
"The World According to Garp"
2087
01:22:11,867 --> 01:22:14,480
when I was so not
age appropriate.
2088
01:22:14,480 --> 01:22:16,162
Like, it was the kind
of movie that like,
2089
01:22:16,162 --> 01:22:18,784
you know, I should have been
like, this fucking blows.
2090
01:22:18,784 --> 01:22:22,168
Why isn't he saying
nanu nanu, you know?
2091
01:22:22,168 --> 01:22:23,529
Because it's Mork.
2092
01:22:23,529 --> 01:22:26,922
Um, but he-- he
kind of-- he just
2093
01:22:26,922 --> 01:22:28,904
want-- he took me to see
movies that he wanted to see,
2094
01:22:28,904 --> 01:22:32,498
which really led to me having
an appreciation for film
2095
01:22:32,498 --> 01:22:35,131
beyond the simple fucking
"Raiders of the Lost Ark"
2096
01:22:35,131 --> 01:22:36,712
and "Superman" shit.
2097
01:22:36,712 --> 01:22:39,966
So I do miss him quite a bit.
2098
01:22:39,966 --> 01:22:41,697
But I find it always
helps to just think
2099
01:22:41,697 --> 01:22:45,151
of him as this fucking dude
that I might have hung out with,
2100
01:22:45,151 --> 01:22:47,243
you know, had I been a little
younger or something like that.
2101
01:22:47,243 --> 01:22:49,135
And talked about like,
did you get it last night?
2102
01:22:49,135 --> 01:22:51,287
He's like, oh, shit, dude.
2103
01:22:51,287 --> 01:22:54,440
Fucking all over her back.
2104
01:22:54,440 --> 01:22:57,343
[LAUGHTER]
2105
01:23:05,101 --> 01:23:08,034
Or just like my old man trying,
like talk my mom into a fucking
2106
01:23:08,034 --> 01:23:11,187
three-way with a hooker.
2107
01:23:11,187 --> 01:23:12,048
Or maybe not a hooker.
2108
01:23:12,048 --> 01:23:14,160
Like, you know, one
of my fucking aunts.
2109
01:23:14,160 --> 01:23:17,373
Like-- not a blood aunt,
but like one of those women
2110
01:23:17,373 --> 01:23:18,474
that you call aunt.
2111
01:23:18,474 --> 01:23:20,846
But she just-- they know--
the friends of your parents.
2112
01:23:20,846 --> 01:23:24,350
And like, you know,
Uncle Jay to Harley.
2113
01:23:24,350 --> 01:23:27,203
Like, not really your uncle, but
we call him Uncle Jay and shit.
2114
01:23:27,203 --> 01:23:29,775
But just my old man being like,
why don't you, me, and fucking
2115
01:23:29,775 --> 01:23:32,568
Judy get it on, Grace?
2116
01:23:32,568 --> 01:23:34,290
And grace being like, you
are so fucking high, Don.
2117
01:23:37,043 --> 01:23:39,695
And my father going to work
every night at the fucking post
2118
01:23:39,695 --> 01:23:42,218
office, a soul-killing
fucking job,
2119
01:23:42,218 --> 01:23:44,280
just sitting there
processing mail.
2120
01:23:44,280 --> 01:23:47,093
He was a guy that
canceled stamps, right?
2121
01:23:47,093 --> 01:23:49,085
Whenever you got your mail
and the stamp was canceled,
2122
01:23:49,085 --> 01:23:50,876
that was my old fucking man.
2123
01:23:50,876 --> 01:23:52,248
And he hated fucking doing it.
2124
01:23:52,248 --> 01:23:54,530
And the only thing that kept
him alive night after night
2125
01:23:54,530 --> 01:23:56,562
was like, I'm going to
get those two together.
2126
01:24:03,819 --> 01:24:05,581
Oh, sweet Jesus.
2127
01:24:05,581 --> 01:24:07,163
I'm going to get them together.
2128
01:24:07,163 --> 01:24:10,556
And it's going to make up for
this shit, I'll tell you what.
2129
01:24:10,556 --> 01:24:12,548
Then I'm going to take
Kevin to see a matinee.
2130
01:24:19,315 --> 01:24:20,476
Are we done, sir?
2131
01:24:20,476 --> 01:24:21,177
Right on.
2132
01:24:21,177 --> 01:24:21,877
AUDIENCE: Thanks.
2133
01:24:21,877 --> 01:24:23,579
Good on you with
the Chuck Norris.
2134
01:24:23,579 --> 01:24:26,942
[APPLAUSE]
2135
01:24:32,238 --> 01:24:33,499
I'm not going to
let my mom see this.
2136
01:24:33,499 --> 01:24:34,200
Yes.
2137
01:24:34,200 --> 01:24:37,703
So, uh, who's the
biggest dick in Hollywood?
2138
01:24:37,703 --> 01:24:38,664
AUDIENCE: You.
2139
01:24:38,664 --> 01:24:40,596
Me.
2140
01:24:40,596 --> 01:24:43,679
Um, I don't know,
sir I don't know.
2141
01:24:43,679 --> 01:24:45,251
Who is the biggest
dick I ever met?
2142
01:24:45,251 --> 01:24:45,951
Yeah.
2143
01:24:45,951 --> 01:24:46,852
That we would know.
2144
01:24:46,852 --> 01:24:47,583
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
2145
01:24:47,583 --> 01:24:50,696
I guess he's up there.
2146
01:24:50,696 --> 01:24:51,397
Eisner?
2147
01:24:51,397 --> 01:24:54,640
I mean, I never really
had dealings with him.
2148
01:24:54,640 --> 01:24:57,973
Chuck Norris, I
mean-- I don't know.
2149
01:24:57,973 --> 01:24:59,885
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING NAMES]
2150
01:24:59,885 --> 01:25:00,626
Tim Burton?
2151
01:25:00,626 --> 01:25:01,327
Affleck?
2152
01:25:01,327 --> 01:25:02,027
No, no.
2153
01:25:02,027 --> 01:25:02,878
Not really.
2154
01:25:02,878 --> 01:25:03,579
AUDIENCE: Chewbacca.
2155
01:25:03,579 --> 01:25:04,540
Who?
2156
01:25:04,540 --> 01:25:05,271
AUDIENCE: Chewbacca.
2157
01:25:05,271 --> 01:25:05,971
Who?
2158
01:25:05,971 --> 01:25:06,892
AUDIENCE: The black guy.
2159
01:25:06,892 --> 01:25:10,085
The black guy?
2160
01:25:10,085 --> 01:25:11,917
AUDIENCE: Chewbacca!
2161
01:25:11,917 --> 01:25:12,938
The black guy, eh.
2162
01:25:12,938 --> 01:25:13,999
You know the one.
2163
01:25:13,999 --> 01:25:14,990
He's black.
2164
01:25:19,455 --> 01:25:20,446
AUDIENCE: Fiorentino.
2165
01:25:20,446 --> 01:25:21,427
AUDIENCE: J Lo.
2166
01:25:21,427 --> 01:25:22,918
No.
2167
01:25:22,918 --> 01:25:25,421
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
2168
01:25:25,421 --> 01:25:27,042
No.
2169
01:25:27,042 --> 01:25:29,845
I can't-- honestly, there's
the biggest dick I ever met.
2170
01:25:29,845 --> 01:25:30,546
AUDIENCE: Matt Damon.
2171
01:25:30,546 --> 01:25:32,358
Matt Damon is so not a dick.
2172
01:25:32,358 --> 01:25:34,640
He's a good guy.
2173
01:25:34,640 --> 01:25:35,341
I don't know.
2174
01:25:35,341 --> 01:25:36,892
Honestly, like you
know, there are people
2175
01:25:36,892 --> 01:25:38,874
I've talked about and shit.
2176
01:25:38,874 --> 01:25:40,095
AUDIENCE: Doherty.
-Doherty is not a dick.
2177
01:25:40,095 --> 01:25:41,096
She's actually all right.
2178
01:25:41,096 --> 01:25:41,897
AUDIENCE: Russell Crowe.
2179
01:25:41,897 --> 01:25:42,798
Who?
2180
01:25:42,798 --> 01:25:44,850
Russell Crowe I never met.
2181
01:25:44,850 --> 01:25:45,631
Maybe, though.
2182
01:25:45,631 --> 01:25:46,332
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
2183
01:25:51,747 --> 01:25:55,421
Apparently everybody
has an idea except me.
2184
01:25:55,421 --> 01:25:57,233
You really should have
directed it to them.
2185
01:25:57,233 --> 01:25:58,454
AUDIENCE: Yeah, I guess so.
2186
01:25:58,454 --> 01:25:59,154
But I don't know.
2187
01:25:59,154 --> 01:26:00,316
I mean, there are
people I've worked
2188
01:26:00,316 --> 01:26:01,187
with that I haven't liked.
2189
01:26:01,187 --> 01:26:03,749
And I've, of course, talked
about them at great lengths.
2190
01:26:03,749 --> 01:26:06,352
But I guess since that
DVD, I haven't really
2191
01:26:06,352 --> 01:26:09,615
met anybody that-- that
I haven't really liked.
2192
01:26:09,615 --> 01:26:11,497
Although, there are
people that I haven't
2193
01:26:11,497 --> 01:26:13,539
like that I use to like
and now I'm just like,
2194
01:26:13,539 --> 01:26:15,471
woo, what a dick.
2195
01:26:15,471 --> 01:26:16,171
Such as?
2196
01:26:16,171 --> 01:26:17,413
Mel Gibson.
2197
01:26:17,413 --> 01:26:18,113
What happened?
2198
01:26:18,113 --> 01:26:20,035
What happened to Riggs?
2199
01:26:20,035 --> 01:26:26,312
[LAUGHTER]
2200
01:26:26,312 --> 01:26:29,965
Martin Riggs went--
really went crazy.
2201
01:26:29,965 --> 01:26:31,046
Like fucking nuts.
2202
01:26:31,046 --> 01:26:34,079
To the point where he's just
like, I'm not about stem cells.
2203
01:26:34,079 --> 01:26:35,621
I don't believe in
chewing up little babies
2204
01:26:35,621 --> 01:26:36,692
and feeding them to people.
2205
01:26:36,692 --> 01:26:37,393
Like, what?
2206
01:26:40,105 --> 01:26:42,208
Like, Gibson-- you know,
he makes the fucking
2207
01:26:42,208 --> 01:26:43,249
"Passion," which whatever.
2208
01:26:43,249 --> 01:26:45,911
But, um, apparently
during the "Passion" shit,
2209
01:26:45,911 --> 01:26:50,836
like announced that his old man
is like a-- a Holocaust denier.
2210
01:26:50,836 --> 01:26:52,948
Which is like, what?
2211
01:26:52,948 --> 01:26:55,411
Your old man is one of those
people that's just like,
2212
01:26:55,411 --> 01:26:57,022
it wasn't 6 million.
2213
01:26:57,022 --> 01:26:59,345
Maybe 2.
2214
01:26:59,345 --> 01:27:00,296
And I even doubt that.
2215
01:27:00,296 --> 01:27:03,008
It was probably their
own fucking fault.
2216
01:27:03,008 --> 01:27:04,069
Strange shit like that.
2217
01:27:04,069 --> 01:27:07,092
And they belong to this real
weird sect of Catholicism
2218
01:27:07,092 --> 01:27:11,457
where they just don't recognize
any pope post-Vatican II.
2219
01:27:11,457 --> 01:27:13,369
Like, they like it when
the priest was turned
2220
01:27:13,369 --> 01:27:14,630
around facing the other way.
2221
01:27:14,630 --> 01:27:16,462
Because back in the
old-- pre-Vatican II,
2222
01:27:16,462 --> 01:27:19,865
the church-- mass
used to be in Latin.
2223
01:27:19,865 --> 01:27:21,086
And the priest would face away.
2224
01:27:21,086 --> 01:27:22,988
So he was always
doing this shit.
2225
01:27:22,988 --> 01:27:25,531
And you'd be in the audience
going, what's going on?
2226
01:27:25,531 --> 01:27:29,575
Oh, he's making Jesus.
2227
01:27:29,575 --> 01:27:33,289
Like a cooking show,
but from the back.
2228
01:27:33,289 --> 01:27:35,361
But then he, you know,
went and made the fucking--
2229
01:27:35,361 --> 01:27:37,643
"The Passion," which to
me was like, why bother?
2230
01:27:37,643 --> 01:27:39,745
Why would you bother making
another movie about Jesus
2231
01:27:39,745 --> 01:27:41,547
after "The Last
Temptation of Christ?"
2232
01:27:41,547 --> 01:27:43,038
Because "Last Temptation
of Christ" to me
2233
01:27:43,038 --> 01:27:44,870
was the ultimate be-all,
end-all Jesus movie, right?
2234
01:27:44,870 --> 01:27:47,773
Took Jesus, made him
more interesting than he
2235
01:27:47,773 --> 01:27:49,525
had ever been in the Bible.
2236
01:27:49,525 --> 01:27:51,507
Because in the Bible,
it's all beatitudes and
2237
01:27:51,507 --> 01:27:52,798
miracles and shit like that.
2238
01:27:52,798 --> 01:27:56,051
And then-- and then he dies
and he's the sacrificial lamb.
2239
01:27:56,051 --> 01:27:57,403
And he always has
something nice to say
2240
01:27:57,403 --> 01:28:00,105
or the right thing to say
at the right time and shit.
2241
01:28:00,105 --> 01:28:03,539
But "Last Temptation of
Christ" made him a total pimp.
2242
01:28:03,539 --> 01:28:06,652
Because he was just like, I
don't know if I want to be God.
2243
01:28:06,652 --> 01:28:08,674
And then he goes out to the
desert and he comes back
2244
01:28:08,674 --> 01:28:10,676
and he's like, I used
to believe in love.
2245
01:28:10,676 --> 01:28:11,837
Now I believe in this.
2246
01:28:11,837 --> 01:28:13,309
And it's a fucking axe.
2247
01:28:13,309 --> 01:28:15,821
And you're like, get 'em, Jesus.
2248
01:28:15,821 --> 01:28:18,624
Cut them down.
2249
01:28:18,624 --> 01:28:20,706
Break the chain of evil.
2250
01:28:20,706 --> 01:28:23,519
Oh, Jesus is here.
2251
01:28:23,519 --> 01:28:25,951
Shit's on.
2252
01:28:25,951 --> 01:28:26,892
Kick his ass.
2253
01:28:26,892 --> 01:28:29,274
Kick his ass.
2254
01:28:29,274 --> 01:28:32,948
And then, the-- the
fucking "Passion" movie,
2255
01:28:32,948 --> 01:28:35,110
they take-- they took
the man's balls away.
2256
01:28:35,110 --> 01:28:37,102
Suddenly he was back
to like, you know,
2257
01:28:37,102 --> 01:28:41,056
blessed are the cheese
makers and shit like that.
2258
01:28:41,056 --> 01:28:43,048
And then take it one step
further and they're like,
2259
01:28:43,048 --> 01:28:45,531
let's beat the
fuck out of Jesus.
2260
01:28:45,531 --> 01:28:46,832
And they beat him up and shit.
2261
01:28:46,832 --> 01:28:48,133
And just, I don't know.
2262
01:28:48,133 --> 01:28:50,235
I fucking took a lot
of shit for making
2263
01:28:50,235 --> 01:28:53,058
a movie about religion
that had a fucking rubber
2264
01:28:53,058 --> 01:28:55,521
poop monster in it.
2265
01:28:55,521 --> 01:28:57,713
And they made a movie where it
was just like, is this Jesus?
2266
01:28:57,713 --> 01:29:00,596
You fucking, fucking,
fucking faggot.
2267
01:29:00,596 --> 01:29:01,547
And you know?
2268
01:29:04,850 --> 01:29:06,592
Like, total hate crime Jesus.
2269
01:29:06,592 --> 01:29:08,774
Beat the shit out of him because
he was a man of peace and shit.
2270
01:29:08,774 --> 01:29:11,897
We want war!
2271
01:29:11,897 --> 01:29:13,399
And people went in droves.
2272
01:29:13,399 --> 01:29:14,400
They fucking paid.
2273
01:29:14,400 --> 01:29:16,171
They paid to go
watch it and shit.
2274
01:29:16,171 --> 01:29:18,333
I was in, uh-- where was I?
2275
01:29:18,333 --> 01:29:19,885
I was in Texas the
day that it opened.
2276
01:29:19,885 --> 01:29:23,399
And there was a multiplex
that like had fucking 12, 24
2277
01:29:23,399 --> 01:29:24,870
screens, something like that.
2278
01:29:24,870 --> 01:29:27,993
Religious group came in,
bought every fucking screen
2279
01:29:27,993 --> 01:29:29,735
and showed "The Passion"
on all those screens.
2280
01:29:29,735 --> 01:29:34,099
Busloads of fucking Jesus-loving
Christians coming in with kids.
2281
01:29:34,099 --> 01:29:36,392
Getting off the bus with little
fucking kids who are just like,
2282
01:29:36,392 --> 01:29:40,496
we can't wait to see
Jesus get beat up.
2283
01:29:40,496 --> 01:29:43,168
And I was taught to love
Jesus, not fucking beat him up.
2284
01:29:43,168 --> 01:29:47,322
So that movie, I was just
so-- so not down with.
2285
01:29:47,322 --> 01:29:48,984
And it just-- it
didn't deviate, right?
2286
01:29:48,984 --> 01:29:51,086
It was just like-- that's why I
didn't feel the need to see it.
2287
01:29:51,086 --> 01:29:54,139
Because like fuck
it, I read the book.
2288
01:29:54,139 --> 01:29:57,132
[LAUGHTER]
2289
01:30:01,637 --> 01:30:03,248
I know what's going to happen.
2290
01:30:03,248 --> 01:30:05,100
It's like going in to
"Titanic" and shit.
2291
01:30:05,100 --> 01:30:08,824
The whole time I was just
like, the boat fucking sinks.
2292
01:30:08,824 --> 01:30:11,126
Like, we all know this.
2293
01:30:11,126 --> 01:30:12,748
There is no chance that
the boat won't sink.
2294
01:30:12,748 --> 01:30:14,079
At least you go
in and see fucking
2295
01:30:14,079 --> 01:30:17,513
like, any-- any-- of course,
evil usually gets triumphed
2296
01:30:17,513 --> 01:30:18,614
by good and shit like that.
2297
01:30:18,614 --> 01:30:19,785
But you go-- every
once in a while,
2298
01:30:19,785 --> 01:30:20,986
they throw you a
curve ball. "Empire
2299
01:30:20,986 --> 01:30:22,097
Strikes Back" ends miserably.
2300
01:30:22,097 --> 01:30:23,889
Everybody's like, oh, Jesus.
2301
01:30:23,889 --> 01:30:26,381
Everything went wrong.
2302
01:30:26,381 --> 01:30:27,523
And fucking he's gone.
2303
01:30:27,523 --> 01:30:28,694
And this dude got
his hand cut off.
2304
01:30:28,694 --> 01:30:30,075
And she's fucking--
she liked the dude,
2305
01:30:30,075 --> 01:30:31,437
but he was like, I know.
2306
01:30:31,437 --> 01:30:32,317
And that was it.
2307
01:30:32,317 --> 01:30:35,501
And fucking nobody
got what they wanted.
2308
01:30:35,501 --> 01:30:39,314
And Vader was just like,
I'll be back, you know?
2309
01:30:39,314 --> 01:30:40,846
And then the next
movie, everybody wins.
2310
01:30:40,846 --> 01:30:43,288
So-- but, you know, you have
no idea that was coming.
2311
01:30:43,288 --> 01:30:44,530
But with the
fucking Jesus movie,
2312
01:30:44,530 --> 01:30:47,012
like "Titanic," you know
what's going to happen.
2313
01:30:47,012 --> 01:30:48,403
Jesus is going to
hit the iceberg.
2314
01:30:51,647 --> 01:30:52,848
No two ways about it.
2315
01:30:52,848 --> 01:30:55,230
Any move with Jesus in it
is going to end like this.
2316
01:30:58,914 --> 01:31:00,345
So I was just like, fuck it.
2317
01:31:00,345 --> 01:31:01,426
I don't want to go and see that.
2318
01:31:01,426 --> 01:31:03,078
Like, you want to show
me a movie about Christ.
2319
01:31:03,078 --> 01:31:04,349
Show me a movie
about Christ's life,
2320
01:31:04,349 --> 01:31:07,022
or Christ walking around going
like, you, get up, Zippy.
2321
01:31:07,022 --> 01:31:07,723
Right on.
2322
01:31:07,723 --> 01:31:10,135
You, here's some fish.
2323
01:31:10,135 --> 01:31:11,386
Where's the loaves?
2324
01:31:11,386 --> 01:31:12,848
Coming at you.
2325
01:31:12,848 --> 01:31:16,271
You know?
2326
01:31:16,271 --> 01:31:18,824
Not the movie where it's
just like pfft, pfft,
2327
01:31:18,824 --> 01:31:21,116
pfft, oh, fuck.
2328
01:31:21,116 --> 01:31:22,548
You know?
2329
01:31:22,548 --> 01:31:25,410
Not again.
2330
01:31:25,410 --> 01:31:27,302
If it were me, I would have
deviated from the text.
2331
01:31:27,302 --> 01:31:29,334
I would have done something a
little bit fucking differently.
2332
01:31:29,334 --> 01:31:30,475
Because fuck it, you know?
2333
01:31:30,475 --> 01:31:31,577
You know everyone's
going anyway.
2334
01:31:31,577 --> 01:31:32,848
Because they're all
Christians, right?
2335
01:31:32,848 --> 01:31:33,949
What else they got to do?
2336
01:31:33,949 --> 01:31:39,284
It's that or watch
"Touched by an Angel."
2337
01:31:39,284 --> 01:31:42,087
So they're all going, so they're
expecting the fucking same old,
2338
01:31:42,087 --> 01:31:43,599
same old and shit like that.
2339
01:31:43,599 --> 01:31:45,170
Just give them a little
something different.
2340
01:31:45,170 --> 01:31:46,091
Spin it a little bit.
2341
01:31:46,091 --> 01:31:48,013
I would have-- I would
have set the movie up
2342
01:31:48,013 --> 01:31:48,844
a little bit differently.
2343
01:31:48,844 --> 01:31:51,036
I wouldn't have gone
like he did where
2344
01:31:51,036 --> 01:31:53,068
we go through the
passion of Christ
2345
01:31:53,068 --> 01:31:54,520
and it ends with
him fucking dying.
2346
01:31:54,520 --> 01:31:55,551
I say, fuck it.
2347
01:31:55,551 --> 01:31:57,793
Let him die right at the top.
2348
01:31:57,793 --> 01:31:58,764
Right away.
2349
01:31:58,764 --> 01:32:00,245
Curtain comes up and shit.
2350
01:32:00,245 --> 01:32:03,949
The passion of fucking
Christ as told by Smitty.
2351
01:32:03,949 --> 01:32:07,723
And, um-- and right
away, it's just--
2352
01:32:07,723 --> 01:32:09,755
and he's getting nailed
up and shit like that.
2353
01:32:09,755 --> 01:32:11,386
And everyone's like, ah.
2354
01:32:11,386 --> 01:32:13,158
Die, King of the Jews.
2355
01:32:13,158 --> 01:32:15,470
And he's just like, oh, man.
2356
01:32:15,470 --> 01:32:16,321
Fucking.
2357
01:32:16,321 --> 01:32:17,022
At least.
2358
01:32:17,022 --> 01:32:19,284
At least we're going
to fucking do it.
2359
01:32:19,284 --> 01:32:21,156
At least I'm going to
save these fucking people
2360
01:32:21,156 --> 01:32:21,857
and shit like that.
2361
01:32:21,857 --> 01:32:22,798
Five minutes, right away.
2362
01:32:22,798 --> 01:32:24,369
So the whole time people
in the audience going,
2363
01:32:24,369 --> 01:32:25,741
well, I guess maybe
they're going to tell
2364
01:32:25,741 --> 01:32:26,882
it in fucking flashback form.
2365
01:32:26,882 --> 01:32:27,983
Like, maybe you're
going to start
2366
01:32:27,983 --> 01:32:28,984
at the end and work backwards.
2367
01:32:28,984 --> 01:32:30,255
But no, we don't do that.
2368
01:32:30,255 --> 01:32:32,768
Because just as he's out there
and he's about to die and pass
2369
01:32:32,768 --> 01:32:33,899
into his fucking
Heavenly kingdom,
2370
01:32:33,899 --> 01:32:36,862
the glory of God,
two ninjas swing in.
2371
01:32:36,862 --> 01:32:39,755
[LAUGHTER]
2372
01:32:42,177 --> 01:32:44,880
Two fucking ninjas
swing in wielding uzis.
2373
01:32:44,880 --> 01:32:48,283
Just spraying centurions.
2374
01:32:48,283 --> 01:32:50,485
And they're like, good God.
2375
01:32:50,485 --> 01:32:51,687
Ninjas with uzis.
2376
01:32:51,687 --> 01:32:54,740
This is the most
anachronistic movie ever made.
2377
01:32:54,740 --> 01:32:58,523
And bang, hitting the ground and
one fucking ninja scurries up
2378
01:32:58,523 --> 01:33:00,165
the cross, pulls
out the claw hammer,
2379
01:33:00,165 --> 01:33:03,298
pulls the nails out, and
puts Jesus over his shoulder.
2380
01:33:03,298 --> 01:33:04,720
And he's like, I'm
supposed to die.
2381
01:33:04,720 --> 01:33:07,292
And he's like, not on my watch.
2382
01:33:07,292 --> 01:33:11,206
[APPLAUSE]
2383
01:33:19,034 --> 01:33:22,007
Then you've got
interesting places to go.
2384
01:33:22,007 --> 01:33:23,629
Because you can go
anywhere with that movie.
2385
01:33:23,629 --> 01:33:25,360
If I'm sitting there and
that happened, I'd be like,
2386
01:33:25,360 --> 01:33:27,663
I am fucking in.
2387
01:33:27,663 --> 01:33:29,865
And they get him to a
safe distance and shit.
2388
01:33:29,865 --> 01:33:31,006
And he's like, who are you?
2389
01:33:31,006 --> 01:33:31,997
And they pull of the masks.
2390
01:33:31,997 --> 01:33:34,519
Jay and Silent Bob.
2391
01:33:34,519 --> 01:33:38,443
[APPLAUSE]
2392
01:33:46,191 --> 01:33:46,892
And that's it.
2393
01:33:46,892 --> 01:33:48,083
They only have a cameo.
2394
01:33:48,083 --> 01:33:51,556
And then they're like-- uh,
Silent Bob says something.
2395
01:33:51,556 --> 01:33:54,039
Pulls a quote from "Star Wars."
2396
01:33:54,039 --> 01:33:54,740
And they pimp away.
2397
01:33:54,740 --> 01:33:57,032
And Christ is left to live
a normal life and shit.
2398
01:33:57,032 --> 01:34:01,256
And he's like, I think I'm going
to become a fucking accountant.
2399
01:34:01,256 --> 01:34:03,518
I like numbers, you know?
2400
01:34:03,518 --> 01:34:05,230
I was real good with the
moles and the fishes.
2401
01:34:05,230 --> 01:34:06,672
Fuck it, I like numbers.
2402
01:34:06,672 --> 01:34:09,364
Multiplication is my bag.
2403
01:34:09,364 --> 01:34:11,707
And then he's just
like, fuck Christianity.
2404
01:34:11,707 --> 01:34:15,000
I'm a satanist now.
2405
01:34:15,000 --> 01:34:16,732
And he starts
holding black masses
2406
01:34:16,732 --> 01:34:17,993
when he's not doing math.
2407
01:34:17,993 --> 01:34:21,566
Like you would fuck with a
billion Christians heads.
2408
01:34:21,566 --> 01:34:26,011
They'd be like, is this
in the fucking book?
2409
01:34:26,011 --> 01:34:29,504
Religion just came to life.
2410
01:34:29,504 --> 01:34:31,176
You'd see a lot more
kids get into it.
2411
01:34:31,176 --> 01:34:32,657
They're like Jesus
is into Satan?
2412
01:34:32,657 --> 01:34:34,780
Yes!
2413
01:34:34,780 --> 01:34:41,997
I am down with G-O-D. That
don't fucking happen like that.
2414
01:34:41,997 --> 01:34:43,408
So I didn't go see
that fucking movie.
2415
01:34:43,408 --> 01:34:44,339
Fuck it.
2416
01:34:44,339 --> 01:34:46,842
AUDIENCE: Me neither.
2417
01:34:46,842 --> 01:34:49,204
What was your question?
2418
01:34:49,204 --> 01:34:52,307
AUDIENCE: Uh, the biggest
dick in Hollywood.
2419
01:34:52,307 --> 01:34:53,258
Biggest dicks in Hollywood?
2420
01:34:53,258 --> 01:34:54,229
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
2421
01:34:54,229 --> 01:34:55,680
Uh--
2422
01:34:55,680 --> 01:34:56,641
AUDIENCE: Jesus.
2423
01:34:56,641 --> 01:34:59,544
Jesus.
2424
01:34:59,544 --> 01:35:01,486
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
2425
01:35:01,486 --> 01:35:04,770
Jesus fucking figures out-- all
right, you ever see that movie,
2426
01:35:04,770 --> 01:35:06,421
"Race with the Devil?"
2427
01:35:06,421 --> 01:35:07,222
Definitely not.
2428
01:35:07,222 --> 01:35:09,194
"Race with the Devil" is this
old movie from the '70s with
2429
01:35:09,194 --> 01:35:10,095
Warren Oates in it, right?
2430
01:35:10,095 --> 01:35:11,466
And it's him, Warren
Oates, Loretta Swit,
2431
01:35:11,466 --> 01:35:13,018
and two other actors.
2432
01:35:13,018 --> 01:35:13,749
Who was the other one?
2433
01:35:13,749 --> 01:35:14,720
Peter Fonda is the other one.
2434
01:35:14,720 --> 01:35:15,951
I forget who the
other broad was.
2435
01:35:15,951 --> 01:35:17,783
And they're in a Winnebago
and they're driving around
2436
01:35:17,783 --> 01:35:18,854
and shit-- the country and shit.
2437
01:35:18,854 --> 01:35:20,215
Because this is--
you know, that's
2438
01:35:20,215 --> 01:35:21,817
what you did in the '70s.
2439
01:35:21,817 --> 01:35:23,919
And they come to a campground
and shit like that.
2440
01:35:23,919 --> 01:35:24,649
They're camping out.
2441
01:35:24,649 --> 01:35:26,972
And then they hear some music in
the fucking distance at night.
2442
01:35:26,972 --> 01:35:27,843
And they go out and look.
2443
01:35:27,843 --> 01:35:29,745
And they go through
the bushes and shit.
2444
01:35:29,745 --> 01:35:31,927
And there is a satanic
ritual going on.
2445
01:35:31,927 --> 01:35:34,860
There's a little cult that's
sacrificing a virgin and shit.
2446
01:35:34,860 --> 01:35:35,710
And they see it.
2447
01:35:35,710 --> 01:35:36,461
And they go, ah.
2448
01:35:36,461 --> 01:35:37,642
And then the
satanists turn around.
2449
01:35:37,642 --> 01:35:38,343
They're like, wha?
2450
01:35:38,343 --> 01:35:40,065
And they fucking spend
the rest of the movie
2451
01:35:40,065 --> 01:35:43,168
chasing this Winnebago.
2452
01:35:43,168 --> 01:35:48,023
Put Jesus in that movie as the
guy who drives the Winnebago.
2453
01:35:48,023 --> 01:35:50,956
You know, there's some metaphor
you could mix in there.
2454
01:35:50,956 --> 01:35:53,098
Christ is always
leading us away from--
2455
01:35:53,098 --> 01:35:56,411
[LAUGHTER]
2456
01:35:58,784 --> 01:36:01,436
And at the end of the movie,
to get away from the satanists,
2457
01:36:01,436 --> 01:36:03,548
they all hide behind a rock.
2458
01:36:03,548 --> 01:36:06,812
[APPLAUSE]
2459
01:36:09,604 --> 01:36:10,305
We good?
2460
01:36:10,305 --> 01:36:11,546
AUDIENCE: We're good.
-Thank you, sir.
2461
01:36:11,546 --> 01:36:12,247
AUDIENCE: Thanks.
2462
01:36:12,247 --> 01:36:15,710
AUDIENCE: What would
you do for a flying car?
2463
01:36:15,710 --> 01:36:17,202
Lord?
2464
01:36:17,202 --> 01:36:21,166
[LAUGHTER]
2465
01:36:21,166 --> 01:36:22,998
What would I do
for a flying car?
2466
01:36:22,998 --> 01:36:26,271
Fucking, uh, I would
suck two dicks, sir.
2467
01:36:26,271 --> 01:36:27,903
Even if they were like,
you just got to suck one.
2468
01:36:27,903 --> 01:36:29,945
I'd be like, that's
worth two to me.
2469
01:36:29,945 --> 01:36:31,476
You can have a fucking
sword fight in my mouth
2470
01:36:31,476 --> 01:36:32,597
for the flying car.
2471
01:36:35,270 --> 01:36:38,063
Oh, like you wouldn't do it?
2472
01:36:38,063 --> 01:36:40,345
You're all liars.
2473
01:36:40,345 --> 01:36:42,637
Suck three dicks
for the flying car.
2474
01:36:42,637 --> 01:36:43,408
Three at once.
2475
01:36:43,408 --> 01:36:44,529
Take it up the chute.
2476
01:36:44,529 --> 01:36:46,301
Fucking turn me.
2477
01:36:46,301 --> 01:36:48,743
Fuck you, I'm honest.
2478
01:36:48,743 --> 01:36:50,936
Turn me into a
fucking pincushion
2479
01:36:50,936 --> 01:36:52,407
you give me a flying car.
2480
01:37:05,650 --> 01:37:09,174
Fuck you, straight people.
2481
01:37:09,174 --> 01:37:12,597
[APPLAUSE]
2482
01:37:19,464 --> 01:37:23,208
OK, I don't know what the
fuck to say to follow that.
2483
01:37:23,208 --> 01:37:25,400
You should be saying,
sir, I have a flying car.
2484
01:37:28,833 --> 01:37:31,276
And it's going to cost you.
2485
01:37:31,276 --> 01:37:33,768
No, so my serious
question was, there's
2486
01:37:33,768 --> 01:37:35,740
a little news
article circulating
2487
01:37:35,740 --> 01:37:37,863
the internet a few--
about a week ago.
2488
01:37:37,863 --> 01:37:40,185
I know it's not true, but it
was about Ben Affleck saying
2489
01:37:40,185 --> 01:37:42,667
that he's pissed off at
you about you making him,
2490
01:37:42,667 --> 01:37:44,219
like appearance he
doesn't want to make.
2491
01:37:44,219 --> 01:37:45,450
And I know it's not true.
2492
01:37:45,450 --> 01:37:46,651
You've debunked it
on your website.
2493
01:37:46,651 --> 01:37:49,254
I was just wondering, maybe you
could explain the story for us.
2494
01:37:49,254 --> 01:37:49,955
Clarify?
2495
01:37:49,955 --> 01:37:50,675
AUDIENCE: Yes.
2496
01:37:50,675 --> 01:37:51,376
Yeah.
2497
01:37:51,376 --> 01:37:53,288
So he, in an
interview, he fuck--
2498
01:37:53,288 --> 01:37:55,270
somebody's like, hey,
Kevin was mad you didn't go
2499
01:37:55,270 --> 01:37:58,103
to the-- we had an opening of
the "Jay and Silent Bob Secret
2500
01:37:58,103 --> 01:38:01,186
Stash" in Westwood, where we
did a signing of the "Clerks
2501
01:38:01,186 --> 01:38:02,637
10" DVD and the
"Jersey Girl" DVD,
2502
01:38:02,637 --> 01:38:03,678
which came out that same day.
2503
01:38:03,678 --> 01:38:05,150
And I was like, dude, you want
to come down for the signing?
2504
01:38:05,150 --> 01:38:07,052
Knowing in a million years he
never would because Affleck
2505
01:38:07,052 --> 01:38:08,693
doesn't do that kind
of shit because he's
2506
01:38:08,693 --> 01:38:10,996
too busy fucking his career up.
2507
01:38:10,996 --> 01:38:11,897
And, um--
2508
01:38:11,897 --> 01:38:12,597
[LAUGHTER]
2509
01:38:16,801 --> 01:38:19,514
Um, so-- so he was
like, no, dude.
2510
01:38:19,514 --> 01:38:20,755
You know, I'm not
going to do that.
2511
01:38:20,755 --> 01:38:22,117
I said, that's
totally fucking cool.
2512
01:38:22,117 --> 01:38:23,578
And somebody, when
they interviewed him
2513
01:38:23,578 --> 01:38:25,650
on the "Surviving Christmas"
junket was just like,
2514
01:38:25,650 --> 01:38:27,852
Kevin was really mad that you
didn't go to that signing.
2515
01:38:27,852 --> 01:38:28,623
Which I totally wasn't.
2516
01:38:28,623 --> 01:38:30,015
He knew I wasn't, but whatever.
2517
01:38:30,015 --> 01:38:32,117
But he was like, fuck,
Kevin and his fucking store.
2518
01:38:32,117 --> 01:38:33,848
And fucking putting himself
on all the merchandise.
2519
01:38:33,848 --> 01:38:34,619
Blah, blah, blah.
2520
01:38:34,619 --> 01:38:36,631
The same fucking
routine he always does.
2521
01:38:36,631 --> 01:38:39,254
The same, you fucking sell
shit with your face on it,
2522
01:38:39,254 --> 01:38:41,816
you QVC whore.
2523
01:38:41,816 --> 01:38:43,778
Go-to joke that he
uses all the time.
2524
01:38:43,778 --> 01:38:46,771
And somebody-- it was in
the-- somebody put it,
2525
01:38:46,771 --> 01:38:50,155
you know-- did a transcript of
the interview on Dark Horizons.
2526
01:38:50,155 --> 01:38:51,716
And then this woman
named Jeannette Walls,
2527
01:38:51,716 --> 01:38:54,339
who runs a column called
"The Scoop" on MSNBC.
2528
01:38:54,339 --> 01:38:55,830
She's a gossip whore.
2529
01:38:55,830 --> 01:38:59,965
Um, I'm sorry, columnist.
2530
01:38:59,965 --> 01:39:02,167
Took-- took a piece
of the transcript.
2531
01:39:02,167 --> 01:39:04,399
You know, not kind of
saying-- not putting
2532
01:39:04,399 --> 01:39:05,890
it in context whatsoever.
2533
01:39:05,890 --> 01:39:07,412
And said like,
Affleck's gone nuts.
2534
01:39:07,412 --> 01:39:10,675
And now he's just lashing out at
his friends and shit like that.
2535
01:39:10,675 --> 01:39:11,886
AUDIENCE: He called you gay.
2536
01:39:11,886 --> 01:39:12,787
What?
2537
01:39:12,787 --> 01:39:14,479
AUDIENCE: Ben Affleck
called you gay.
2538
01:39:14,479 --> 01:39:15,320
Called me gay?
2539
01:39:15,320 --> 01:39:18,403
Did he in that piece?
2540
01:39:18,403 --> 01:39:20,075
He called me gay?
2541
01:39:20,075 --> 01:39:21,006
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
2542
01:39:21,006 --> 01:39:22,607
Oh, he wrote-- he
signed it on the book?
2543
01:39:22,607 --> 01:39:23,308
I know.
2544
01:39:23,308 --> 01:39:25,000
He stole my move.
2545
01:39:25,000 --> 01:39:27,572
I used to-- every time somebody
gives me a "Dogma" book
2546
01:39:27,572 --> 01:39:29,094
or a cover-- a
cover to the video,
2547
01:39:29,094 --> 01:39:32,817
I always write "so gay" with
an arrow pointing at him.
2548
01:39:38,303 --> 01:39:40,975
And now he's fucking like,
dude, if I get them first,
2549
01:39:40,975 --> 01:39:41,676
I'm doing it.
2550
01:39:41,676 --> 01:39:45,380
I'm-- so then you
got nowhere to go.
2551
01:39:45,380 --> 01:39:47,702
So he writes "so gay" with
an arrow pointing to me.
2552
01:39:47,702 --> 01:39:49,304
And then I write "not really."
2553
01:39:49,304 --> 01:39:52,527
But "really gay" with an
arrow pointing at him.
2554
01:39:52,527 --> 01:39:54,159
Or, I don't even
write "gay" anymore.
2555
01:39:54,159 --> 01:39:55,960
I just write "Gigli" with
an arrow pointing to him.
2556
01:39:55,960 --> 01:39:59,424
[LAUGHTER]
2557
01:40:05,380 --> 01:40:08,333
So anyway, Jeannette Walls ran
it as like an item going like,
2558
01:40:08,333 --> 01:40:09,624
these two are at fucking war.
2559
01:40:09,624 --> 01:40:11,226
Affleck has gone out
of his fucking mind.
2560
01:40:11,226 --> 01:40:12,657
He's attacking his
friends and shit.
2561
01:40:12,657 --> 01:40:14,229
But it was so not the case.
2562
01:40:14,229 --> 01:40:16,791
And it's such a shame
that I had to fucking
2563
01:40:16,791 --> 01:40:18,473
explain it at all and shit.
2564
01:40:18,473 --> 01:40:19,174
But, uh--
2565
01:40:19,174 --> 01:40:21,666
Not to you, just that I had
to explain it on the website.
2566
01:40:21,666 --> 01:40:23,428
But, uh, I talked
to him after that.
2567
01:40:23,428 --> 01:40:25,720
I was like, dude, did you
see what Jeannette Walls did?
2568
01:40:25,720 --> 01:40:27,352
He was just like, dude,
you knew I was kidding.
2569
01:40:27,352 --> 01:40:29,084
I was like, dude, I fucking
know you're kidding.
2570
01:40:29,084 --> 01:40:31,066
But it's been exerted
places and people
2571
01:40:31,066 --> 01:40:33,598
are trying to run it as a
real item and shit like that.
2572
01:40:33,598 --> 01:40:34,999
So I just want you
to know that from now
2573
01:40:34,999 --> 01:40:36,391
on I'm going say
like, I'm sorry.
2574
01:40:36,391 --> 01:40:37,722
I couldn't read it
because I was too
2575
01:40:37,722 --> 01:40:40,815
busy dodging a falling star.
2576
01:40:40,815 --> 01:40:44,209
[LAUGHTER]
2577
01:40:47,612 --> 01:40:49,364
And he was like, oh,
you fucking bitch.
2578
01:40:49,364 --> 01:40:53,368
You just-- now I mean it all.
2579
01:40:53,368 --> 01:40:54,649
But yeah, it was
just kind of a joke
2580
01:40:54,649 --> 01:40:55,920
that got taken out of context.
2581
01:40:55,920 --> 01:40:58,903
But that-- proving once again
that they will find anything
2582
01:40:58,903 --> 01:41:00,075
to write about that dude.
2583
01:41:00,075 --> 01:41:01,646
Like he's that fascinating.
2584
01:41:01,646 --> 01:41:02,397
Like, I love Ben.
2585
01:41:02,397 --> 01:41:03,568
I think he's really
funny and shit.
2586
01:41:03,568 --> 01:41:04,829
Not-- not that interesting.
2587
01:41:04,829 --> 01:41:06,441
Not interesting enough
to warrant an item
2588
01:41:06,441 --> 01:41:11,396
every week in "Us Weekly," which
has really become "Ben Weekly."
2589
01:41:11,396 --> 01:41:12,687
Which I actually kind of like.
2590
01:41:12,687 --> 01:41:16,161
But-- but god, everything
they'll fucking write about.
2591
01:41:16,161 --> 01:41:19,154
There is one piece where they
were like, he wears a wig.
2592
01:41:19,154 --> 01:41:21,035
He was getting into a
fucking game of grab-ass
2593
01:41:21,035 --> 01:41:23,378
at a bar with Vince
Vaughn and Vince Vaughn
2594
01:41:23,378 --> 01:41:24,759
ripped his wig off.
2595
01:41:24,759 --> 01:41:26,331
And we were shooting
"Jersey Girl" at the time.
2596
01:41:26,331 --> 01:41:27,262
And I fucking went into him.
2597
01:41:27,262 --> 01:41:28,713
And I was like, dude,
dud you read this?
2598
01:41:28,713 --> 01:41:31,406
And he was like, grab-ass?
2599
01:41:31,406 --> 01:41:32,267
Vince Vaughn?
2600
01:41:32,267 --> 01:41:33,848
I haven't seen Vince
Vaughn in two years.
2601
01:41:33,848 --> 01:41:35,380
I'm like, keep reading.
2602
01:41:35,380 --> 01:41:36,851
A fucking wig!
2603
01:41:40,295 --> 01:41:41,116
I was like, yes, sir.
2604
01:41:41,116 --> 01:41:41,816
Yes.
2605
01:41:41,816 --> 01:41:42,697
They saw you have a wig.
2606
01:41:42,697 --> 01:41:44,068
He's like fucking--
it's not a wig, dude.
2607
01:41:44,068 --> 01:41:44,859
Pull my hair.
2608
01:41:44,859 --> 01:41:48,753
I was like, I'll take
your word for it, sir.
2609
01:41:48,753 --> 01:41:49,774
Um, but yeah.
2610
01:41:49,774 --> 01:41:51,876
They'll just fucking write
shit about a bitch, man.
2611
01:41:51,876 --> 01:41:55,079
My heart goes out to him because
he's had a bad fucking year
2612
01:41:55,079 --> 01:41:57,162
with people just going like,
let's fucking beat up on him
2613
01:41:57,162 --> 01:41:57,862
and shit.
2614
01:41:57,862 --> 01:41:59,033
But it just means
that his comeback
2615
01:41:59,033 --> 01:42:00,275
will be that much sweeter.
2616
01:42:00,275 --> 01:42:02,417
And God willing, it'll
be in a film that I do.
2617
01:42:02,417 --> 01:42:05,730
Because then that motherfucker
will owe me so big.
2618
01:42:05,730 --> 01:42:06,431
So big.
2619
01:42:06,431 --> 01:42:08,823
And then I'll be like, you show
up at a fucking signing, bitch.
2620
01:42:13,107 --> 01:42:13,808
We good?
2621
01:42:13,808 --> 01:42:14,629
Yeah, fuck the media.
2622
01:42:14,629 --> 01:42:15,420
Yeah, thanks.
2623
01:42:15,420 --> 01:42:16,371
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah,
fuck the media.
2624
01:42:16,371 --> 01:42:16,831
Yes.
2625
01:42:16,831 --> 01:42:17,552
Fuck the media.
2626
01:42:17,552 --> 01:42:18,853
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah,
fuck them hard, sir.
2627
01:42:18,853 --> 01:42:19,954
Fucking media.
2628
01:42:19,954 --> 01:42:21,906
Fuck them hard until I need
them to promote a movie.
2629
01:42:21,906 --> 01:42:23,788
Then, love them.
2630
01:42:23,788 --> 01:42:26,130
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
2631
01:42:26,130 --> 01:42:27,182
What?
2632
01:42:27,182 --> 01:42:28,673
AUDIENCE: Bring the wife up.
2633
01:42:28,673 --> 01:42:30,675
Bring the wife up?
2634
01:42:30,675 --> 01:42:32,667
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
2635
01:42:32,667 --> 01:42:36,651
[APPLAUSE]
2636
01:42:46,661 --> 01:42:48,673
Is she-- is she back there?
2637
01:42:48,673 --> 01:42:50,164
Is the wife back there?
2638
01:42:50,164 --> 01:42:51,165
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
2639
01:42:51,165 --> 01:42:53,968
Well, come on up, hun.
2640
01:42:53,968 --> 01:42:54,669
Come on up.
2641
01:43:02,156 --> 01:43:05,079
Get her this
microphone, would you?
2642
01:43:05,079 --> 01:43:05,850
Yes.
2643
01:43:05,850 --> 01:43:06,551
Yes.
2644
01:43:06,551 --> 01:43:08,613
Because we have to
ask you a question.
2645
01:43:08,613 --> 01:43:10,605
AUDIENCE: She's
got sweet titties.
2646
01:43:10,605 --> 01:43:14,098
[LAUGHTER]
2647
01:43:16,090 --> 01:43:17,021
She does, sir.
2648
01:43:17,021 --> 01:43:18,853
She does.
2649
01:43:18,853 --> 01:43:20,595
And you just ensured
yourself that you'll
2650
01:43:20,595 --> 01:43:22,477
never get to fuck her.
2651
01:43:22,477 --> 01:43:24,539
Because I don't know what
you heard, but chicks
2652
01:43:24,539 --> 01:43:26,711
don't really respond to
that kind of attention.
2653
01:43:26,711 --> 01:43:28,693
You got sweet titties.
2654
01:43:28,693 --> 01:43:33,628
[LAUGHTER]
2655
01:43:33,628 --> 01:43:35,530
You'll be throttling
your cock for a lifetime
2656
01:43:35,530 --> 01:43:39,624
with moves like that, sir.
2657
01:43:39,624 --> 01:43:41,716
Chicks like a more subtle
approach than that,
2658
01:43:41,716 --> 01:43:44,479
just for future reference.
2659
01:43:44,479 --> 01:43:45,179
She got the mic?
2660
01:43:45,179 --> 01:43:45,990
You got the mic?
2661
01:43:45,990 --> 01:43:47,692
She don't want to-- she
don't want to answer, sir.
2662
01:43:47,692 --> 01:43:48,483
I'm too shy.
2663
01:43:48,483 --> 01:43:49,834
Just answer this question.
2664
01:43:49,834 --> 01:43:50,535
One question.
2665
01:43:50,535 --> 01:43:51,826
Jay's going to
answer them for me.
2666
01:43:51,826 --> 01:43:53,278
KEVIN SMITH: Just
answer one question.
2667
01:43:53,278 --> 01:43:54,249
AUDIENCE: I took off my gear.
2668
01:43:54,249 --> 01:43:56,861
How much of the shit
I say-- what'd I say?
2669
01:43:56,861 --> 01:43:58,323
What'd I say?
2670
01:43:58,323 --> 01:44:02,307
How much of the
shit I say is true?
2671
01:44:02,307 --> 01:44:05,500
She said none of it.
2672
01:44:05,500 --> 01:44:07,502
Answer this question.
2673
01:44:07,502 --> 01:44:11,055
Is your hand in Mewes' lap?
2674
01:44:11,055 --> 01:44:13,388
No, sir.
2675
01:44:13,388 --> 01:44:15,710
No, no.
2676
01:44:15,710 --> 01:44:18,112
He got up to look and shit.
2677
01:44:18,112 --> 01:44:21,476
He's like--
2678
01:44:21,476 --> 01:44:25,029
Third question, do you
indeed have sweet titties?
2679
01:44:27,742 --> 01:44:29,764
I do, indeed.
2680
01:44:29,764 --> 01:44:31,376
I mean, she does, indeed.
2681
01:44:31,376 --> 01:44:32,106
She said.
2682
01:44:32,106 --> 01:44:32,807
She says.
2683
01:44:32,807 --> 01:44:34,649
Indeed, she does.
2684
01:44:34,649 --> 01:44:35,670
She says.
2685
01:44:35,670 --> 01:44:36,771
What was the--
wait, wait, wait.
2686
01:44:36,771 --> 01:44:38,443
What was the answer to the
sweet titties question?
2687
01:44:38,443 --> 01:44:39,143
I didn't get it.
2688
01:44:39,143 --> 01:44:39,844
Yeah.
2689
01:44:39,844 --> 01:44:40,605
She said she-- yeah.
2690
01:44:40,605 --> 01:44:41,446
KEVIN SMITH: She does.
2691
01:44:41,446 --> 01:44:42,146
Yes.
2692
01:44:42,146 --> 01:44:43,257
The better answer
to that is not
2693
01:44:43,257 --> 01:44:45,730
as sweet as yours, man boobs.
2694
01:44:45,730 --> 01:44:48,192
I'm not as quick as you are.
2695
01:44:48,192 --> 01:44:51,846
I always got to be
writing for folks.
2696
01:44:51,846 --> 01:44:53,388
Let's get to your
question though, sir.
2697
01:44:53,388 --> 01:44:54,078
AUDIENCE: OK.
2698
01:44:54,078 --> 01:44:54,869
My name's Dan.
2699
01:44:54,869 --> 01:44:57,792
And it's half for you
and half for Mewes.
2700
01:44:57,792 --> 01:44:59,704
I was wondering,
uh, how much you
2701
01:44:59,704 --> 01:45:02,767
had to pay Shannon Elizabeth to
make out with Mewes on-screen?
2702
01:45:02,767 --> 01:45:03,478
Oh, sir.
2703
01:45:03,478 --> 01:45:04,689
Come on.
2704
01:45:04,689 --> 01:45:07,622
[LAUGHTER]
2705
01:45:12,036 --> 01:45:14,058
He's asking him
how much he paid.
2706
01:45:14,058 --> 01:45:16,881
Just back up and stand
under a light, sir.
2707
01:45:16,881 --> 01:45:19,093
So we can see you.
2708
01:45:19,093 --> 01:45:21,245
You're like fucking Batman.
2709
01:45:21,245 --> 01:45:22,106
Batman?
2710
01:45:22,106 --> 01:45:24,138
You're out of the light, sir.
2711
01:45:24,138 --> 01:45:25,219
Sir, really?
2712
01:45:25,219 --> 01:45:26,591
Really in the light.
2713
01:45:26,591 --> 01:45:28,232
KEVIN SMITH: Come
into the light, sir.
2714
01:45:28,232 --> 01:45:29,163
Sir.
2715
01:45:29,163 --> 01:45:29,864
We're almost done.
2716
01:45:29,864 --> 01:45:31,816
Come up on stage, sir.
2717
01:45:31,816 --> 01:45:35,229
[APPLAUSE]
2718
01:45:43,958 --> 01:45:46,611
But he asked you the question.
2719
01:45:46,611 --> 01:45:49,053
Ask the question again.
2720
01:45:49,053 --> 01:45:53,207
How much did-- how much did
you guys have to pay Shannon?
2721
01:45:53,207 --> 01:45:55,710
[MUMBLING].
2722
01:45:55,710 --> 01:45:58,052
It was a lot of money
until she saw this.
2723
01:46:01,846 --> 01:46:03,277
Not there.
2724
01:46:03,277 --> 01:46:07,532
And the wife--
Nana's there and Jen.
2725
01:46:07,532 --> 01:46:09,924
But sir, come back.
2726
01:46:09,924 --> 01:46:11,836
Come on.
2727
01:46:11,836 --> 01:46:13,187
What, were you
going to show him?
2728
01:46:13,187 --> 01:46:14,188
Ask Kevin.
How much was it?
2729
01:46:14,188 --> 01:46:14,649
How much she get paid?
I'd like to know, too.
2730
01:46:14,649 --> 01:46:15,560
Not a lot.
2731
01:46:15,560 --> 01:46:16,421
Not a lot.
2732
01:46:16,421 --> 01:46:18,463
See, almost free, sir.
2733
01:46:18,463 --> 01:46:20,815
She got paid.
2734
01:46:20,815 --> 01:46:22,487
She got paid to be
in the movie, sir.
2735
01:46:22,487 --> 01:46:25,880
But the kissing was for free.
2736
01:46:25,880 --> 01:46:30,465
And, uh, how many practice
takes did you get with her?
2737
01:46:30,465 --> 01:46:32,777
He made sure a lot.
2738
01:46:32,777 --> 01:46:35,229
I was like, make
sure I'm going to--
2739
01:46:35,229 --> 01:46:36,421
That's how I made $200.
2740
01:46:36,421 --> 01:46:38,523
But it's really not-- it's not
really that-- it's not the same
2741
01:46:38,523 --> 01:46:40,294
as if-- you know, like
if I found someone here
2742
01:46:40,294 --> 01:46:41,966
and brought her in the back.
2743
01:46:41,966 --> 01:46:44,148
Because it's like
actually like--
2744
01:46:44,148 --> 01:46:48,032
Which is as big a hint
as I like Tim Hortons.
2745
01:46:48,032 --> 01:46:50,004
What?
2746
01:46:50,004 --> 01:46:51,566
Tim Hortons?
2747
01:46:51,566 --> 01:46:52,266
Hint.
2748
01:46:52,266 --> 01:46:53,558
A hint of?
2749
01:46:53,558 --> 01:46:54,859
Because you're like,
it's not the same
2750
01:46:54,859 --> 01:46:55,970
as if I found someone--
2751
01:46:55,970 --> 01:46:58,132
If I get to fuck
somewhere here tonight?
2752
01:46:58,132 --> 01:46:59,113
There it is.
2753
01:47:10,014 --> 01:47:11,125
I saw a girl go woo.
2754
01:47:11,125 --> 01:47:13,728
Are you raising your hand?
2755
01:47:13,728 --> 01:47:15,690
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
2756
01:47:15,690 --> 01:47:16,681
Wait, wait.
2757
01:47:16,681 --> 01:47:18,653
What are we doing?
2758
01:47:18,653 --> 01:47:21,115
KEVIN SMITH: She raised--
come up to the mic, ma'am.
2759
01:47:29,504 --> 01:47:31,626
What was the, uh-- he
mentioned having sex.
2760
01:47:31,626 --> 01:47:32,687
And then you were like, woo.
2761
01:47:32,687 --> 01:47:33,458
What is that all about?
2762
01:47:33,458 --> 01:47:34,579
What was that all about, eh?
2763
01:47:34,579 --> 01:47:35,419
He's fucking hot.
2764
01:47:35,419 --> 01:47:39,884
He's the hottest piece
of ass I've ever seen.
2765
01:47:39,884 --> 01:47:42,366
[APPLAUSE]
2766
01:47:44,358 --> 01:47:46,340
So we're going to
fuck, you're saying?
2767
01:47:53,788 --> 01:47:54,779
What now, sir?
2768
01:47:57,762 --> 01:47:58,753
He want--
2769
01:48:02,226 --> 01:48:03,718
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
2770
01:48:03,718 --> 01:48:07,702
[LAUGHTER]
2771
01:48:07,702 --> 01:48:10,184
Throw some half-half-whole
up in that piece?
2772
01:48:10,184 --> 01:48:12,897
Wait, wait, wait.
2773
01:48:12,897 --> 01:48:15,299
Now, show them what
half-half-whole is, sir.
2774
01:48:15,299 --> 01:48:16,430
Show them what
half-half-whole is.
2775
01:48:16,430 --> 01:48:17,161
You saw it.
2776
01:48:17,161 --> 01:48:17,862
Show them.
2777
01:48:17,862 --> 01:48:18,392
Do half-half--
2778
01:48:18,392 --> 01:48:19,123
No, I'm not doing it.
2779
01:48:19,123 --> 01:48:19,954
You have to do it.
2780
01:48:19,954 --> 01:48:21,405
I'm not doing it.
2781
01:48:21,405 --> 01:48:22,366
Show them.
2782
01:48:26,250 --> 01:48:28,312
It's your signature move, sir.
2783
01:48:28,312 --> 01:48:30,244
Let the people know
what half-half-whole is.
2784
01:48:30,244 --> 01:48:31,225
I don't want to do it.
2785
01:48:31,225 --> 01:48:32,426
-Just a little taste.
-I'm on the spot.
2786
01:48:32,426 --> 01:48:33,137
I can't do it.
2787
01:48:33,137 --> 01:48:34,028
You just did it.
2788
01:48:34,028 --> 01:48:35,399
Just--
2789
01:48:35,399 --> 01:48:36,140
I can't do it.
2790
01:48:36,140 --> 01:48:37,542
I'll do the voice,
you do the move.
2791
01:48:37,542 --> 01:48:37,882
Ready?
2792
01:48:37,882 --> 01:48:38,583
All right.
2793
01:48:38,583 --> 01:48:39,363
Here it is.
2794
01:48:39,363 --> 01:48:42,286
Ladies and gentlemen, Jason
Mewes, half-half-whole.
2795
01:48:42,286 --> 01:48:43,528
Sex with Jason Mewes, ready?
2796
01:48:43,528 --> 01:48:44,228
Half-half-whole.
2797
01:48:48,583 --> 01:48:51,045
You got to give the swivel hip.
2798
01:48:51,045 --> 01:48:53,988
Half-half-whole swivel.
2799
01:48:53,988 --> 01:48:54,979
There's more.
2800
01:48:54,979 --> 01:48:58,082
There's more.
2801
01:48:58,082 --> 01:48:59,233
Wait.
2802
01:48:59,233 --> 01:49:02,206
Oh, he's not done yet, ma'am.
2803
01:49:02,206 --> 01:49:03,537
Because after the
half-half-whole
2804
01:49:03,537 --> 01:49:06,170
comes this-- this
slight moderation.
2805
01:49:06,170 --> 01:49:08,382
Ready?
2806
01:49:08,382 --> 01:49:10,174
Half-half-whole.
2807
01:49:10,174 --> 01:49:10,865
Swivel.
2808
01:49:13,848 --> 01:49:17,321
[APPLAUSE]
2809
01:49:25,800 --> 01:49:26,500
Is there more?
2810
01:49:26,500 --> 01:49:27,201
One more.
2811
01:49:27,201 --> 01:49:28,102
What is it?
2812
01:49:28,102 --> 01:49:28,522
You'll see.
2813
01:49:28,522 --> 01:49:29,413
Ready?
You know it.
2814
01:49:29,413 --> 01:49:30,625
You know it.
-I'm just going to follow you?
2815
01:49:30,625 --> 01:49:31,055
Follow me.
2816
01:49:31,055 --> 01:49:31,756
Here we go.
2817
01:49:37,091 --> 01:49:38,572
I don't know what
we're doing, though.
2818
01:49:38,572 --> 01:49:39,543
You'll follow.
2819
01:49:39,543 --> 01:49:40,244
You'll hear it.
2820
01:49:40,244 --> 01:49:41,105
All right.
2821
01:49:41,105 --> 01:49:43,487
Half-half-whole.
2822
01:49:43,487 --> 01:49:44,358
Swivel.
2823
01:49:44,358 --> 01:49:47,291
Hide behind a rock.
2824
01:49:47,291 --> 01:49:50,785
[APPLAUSE]
2825
01:50:25,680 --> 01:50:28,172
[MUSIC PLAYING]
2826
01:50:40,294 --> 01:50:46,010
[CHEERS]
2827
01:50:46,010 --> 01:50:47,041
She loves Kevin Smith, really.
2828
01:50:57,111 --> 01:50:57,812
That's Kevin Smith.
2829
01:50:57,812 --> 01:51:00,795
He's brilliant.
2830
01:51:00,795 --> 01:51:04,949
Ladies and gentleman,
Kevin Smith.
2831
01:51:04,949 --> 01:51:08,422
[APPLAUSE]
2832
01:51:33,748 --> 01:51:36,961
That was, uh--
that was a really--
2833
01:51:36,961 --> 01:51:39,563
that was a sweet reaction.
2834
01:51:39,563 --> 01:51:43,627
That almost-- almost makes up
for the fact that, you know,
2835
01:51:43,627 --> 01:51:45,059
Charles is going
to marry Camilla.
2836
01:51:48,672 --> 01:51:50,094
Almost.
2837
01:51:50,094 --> 01:51:51,065
This is a very intimate room.
2838
01:51:51,065 --> 01:51:52,757
When I heard "theater,"
I was like, right on.
2839
01:51:52,757 --> 01:51:53,457
Theater.
2840
01:51:53,457 --> 01:51:56,580
But this is kind of like,
uh, Affleck's living room.
2841
01:52:03,387 --> 01:52:08,743
Except not as many
whores, I don't think.
2842
01:52:08,743 --> 01:52:12,466
Um, we have a few, uh,
members of the British press
2843
01:52:12,466 --> 01:52:14,458
in attendance tonight as well.
2844
01:52:14,458 --> 01:52:17,872
So, uh, if you see
people writing shit down,
2845
01:52:17,872 --> 01:52:20,374
punch them in the face.
2846
01:52:20,374 --> 01:52:24,208
[APPLAUSE]
2847
01:52:29,483 --> 01:52:30,424
Not really.
2848
01:52:30,424 --> 01:52:33,778
Punch them in the nuts.
2849
01:52:33,778 --> 01:52:36,140
Uh, British press,
I've had, you know,
2850
01:52:36,140 --> 01:52:37,922
a decent relationship with.
2851
01:52:37,922 --> 01:52:39,563
I haven't really
gotten beaten the shit
2852
01:52:39,563 --> 01:52:40,494
out of like some people.
2853
01:52:40,494 --> 01:52:43,597
But last time I was here,
I got into a bit of a row
2854
01:52:43,597 --> 01:52:48,202
as they say, with some fucking
chavs in the British press.
2855
01:52:48,202 --> 01:52:51,055
[APPLAUSE]
2856
01:52:53,437 --> 01:52:54,638
That's the thing, though.
2857
01:52:54,638 --> 01:52:55,439
They weren't even chavs.
2858
01:52:55,439 --> 01:52:57,271
If they were chavs, I could
have got along with them.
2859
01:52:57,271 --> 01:53:01,976
But they were just
three fucking cunts.
2860
01:53:01,976 --> 01:53:03,747
And I don't say that in
the charming British way,
2861
01:53:03,747 --> 01:53:04,748
like, oh, you fucking cunt.
2862
01:53:04,748 --> 01:53:08,522
I say it in the hardcore
American, like you dirty,
2863
01:53:08,522 --> 01:53:09,593
fucking cunt.
2864
01:53:15,329 --> 01:53:17,481
These three broads, they call
themselves The 3AM Girls.
2865
01:53:17,481 --> 01:53:19,924
They write for "The
Mirror," is that it?
2866
01:53:19,924 --> 01:53:21,155
[BOOING]
2867
01:53:21,155 --> 01:53:23,637
So you've heard of them.
2868
01:53:23,637 --> 01:53:26,901
We were coming over and, uh,
to do a "Jersey Girl" premier.
2869
01:53:26,901 --> 01:53:29,063
And of course, Affleck
at the last minute--
2870
01:53:29,063 --> 01:53:30,244
well, not of course.
2871
01:53:30,244 --> 01:53:32,296
We all expected he was
going, but suddenly
2872
01:53:32,296 --> 01:53:34,168
came down bronchitis.
2873
01:53:34,168 --> 01:53:36,200
Hence, his new
nickname Bronchifer.
2874
01:53:36,200 --> 01:53:39,363
And, um-- and had to bow out.
2875
01:53:39,363 --> 01:53:41,815
So it was me and the
little girl, Raquel Castro,
2876
01:53:41,815 --> 01:53:44,288
who's in the movie, who wound
up doing all the press, which
2877
01:53:44,288 --> 01:53:45,309
was, you know, weird.
2878
01:53:45,309 --> 01:53:47,541
Because nobody knows her.
2879
01:53:47,541 --> 01:53:50,945
And what do you ask an
eight-year-old anyway?
2880
01:53:50,945 --> 01:53:53,597
Like, what do you want
to be when you grow up?
2881
01:53:53,597 --> 01:53:55,049
Because the kid's
like, fuck you.
2882
01:53:55,049 --> 01:53:56,730
I'm it.
2883
01:53:56,730 --> 01:53:58,502
I'm acting.
2884
01:53:58,502 --> 01:54:00,834
Um, and then me who wasn't
really in the movie.
2885
01:54:00,834 --> 01:54:02,656
Basically, I was
the guy who was just
2886
01:54:02,656 --> 01:54:05,739
making excuses for the movie
apparently, most of the time.
2887
01:54:05,739 --> 01:54:10,404
So it was-- it was kind
of a lackluster premier.
2888
01:54:10,404 --> 01:54:14,368
And it was heralded in
the 3AM girls column by,
2889
01:54:14,368 --> 01:54:17,011
um-- you know, I
never forget anything.
2890
01:54:17,011 --> 01:54:19,753
So I bring shit.
2891
01:54:19,753 --> 01:54:24,288
I, uh-- I have an
elephantine-like memory.
2892
01:54:24,288 --> 01:54:25,099
And ass.
2893
01:54:25,099 --> 01:54:29,944
And, um-- so this is-- this
is what they said initially.
2894
01:54:29,944 --> 01:54:31,125
"Surprise, surprise.
2895
01:54:31,125 --> 01:54:33,577
Ben Affleck has pulled out
of the UK premiere of movie
2896
01:54:33,577 --> 01:54:38,642
turkey-- mm-- "Jersey
Girl" in which
2897
01:54:38,642 --> 01:54:42,466
he starred alongside
ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez.
2898
01:54:42,466 --> 01:54:44,318
The star was due to
attend tonight's screening
2899
01:54:44,318 --> 01:54:46,730
with director Kevin Smith and
young actress Raquel Castro,
2900
01:54:46,730 --> 01:54:48,642
but the 31-year-old is
staying away because he
2901
01:54:48,642 --> 01:54:51,605
has-- ahem-- bronchitis."
2902
01:54:51,605 --> 01:54:55,269
The "ahem" is just
like-- just dig it in.
2903
01:54:55,269 --> 01:54:56,690
You know?
2904
01:54:56,690 --> 01:54:59,563
So anyway, this is the part
that really stood out to me.
2905
01:54:59,563 --> 01:55:01,845
It's a quote. "It's a
shame Ben has pulled out
2906
01:55:01,845 --> 01:55:05,139
because it's obvious this
film needs all the publicity
2907
01:55:05,139 --> 01:55:10,364
it can get, says an insider."
2908
01:55:10,364 --> 01:55:14,148
Now A, we didn't want
publicity on the movie.
2909
01:55:14,148 --> 01:55:15,309
We had too much of it.
2910
01:55:15,309 --> 01:55:17,321
Sadly, all bad.
2911
01:55:17,321 --> 01:55:18,542
But the thing that
really bugged me,
2912
01:55:18,542 --> 01:55:20,724
who the fuck is the insider?
2913
01:55:20,724 --> 01:55:22,246
Like a British insider?
2914
01:55:22,246 --> 01:55:22,967
Like, who was it?
2915
01:55:22,967 --> 01:55:24,798
Because there weren't-- as
far as I knew, there were no
2916
01:55:24,798 --> 01:55:26,280
Brits in the cast or the crew.
2917
01:55:26,280 --> 01:55:28,292
And I checked.
2918
01:55:28,292 --> 01:55:31,835
Because I said
"cunt" an awful lot.
2919
01:55:31,835 --> 01:55:33,747
If you say it here, people
are like, right on, mate.
2920
01:55:33,747 --> 01:55:34,548
You know?
2921
01:55:34,548 --> 01:55:35,249
You say it back home.
2922
01:55:35,249 --> 01:55:35,950
They're like, oh.
2923
01:55:38,172 --> 01:55:38,872
Cunt?
2924
01:55:38,872 --> 01:55:40,504
Ugh.
2925
01:55:40,504 --> 01:55:42,446
As if people don't like it.
2926
01:55:42,446 --> 01:55:43,597
As if we were in Toronto.
2927
01:55:46,150 --> 01:55:47,031
Um.
2928
01:55:47,031 --> 01:55:49,964
So, uh, the quoter-- the
insider-- went on to say,
2929
01:55:49,964 --> 01:55:51,495
"It's unusual for
none of the big stars
2930
01:55:51,495 --> 01:55:52,716
to put in an appearance.
2931
01:55:52,716 --> 01:55:54,898
And it says a lot about what
they think of the movie."
2932
01:55:54,898 --> 01:55:55,769
Which is like, what?
2933
01:55:55,769 --> 01:55:58,012
So who is this
fucking random person?
2934
01:55:58,012 --> 01:55:59,883
And why do they
have so much to say?
2935
01:55:59,883 --> 01:56:02,336
And why-- was their finger
really on the pulse and shit?
2936
01:56:02,336 --> 01:56:04,308
Like, they know so
much about Hollywood?
2937
01:56:04,308 --> 01:56:05,769
So we're at the
premiere that night
2938
01:56:05,769 --> 01:56:07,311
and this chick,
Carol Ann Hedley, who
2939
01:56:07,311 --> 01:56:09,453
was one of the-- the 3AM girls.
2940
01:56:09,453 --> 01:56:10,524
Hedley-- you know, right there.
2941
01:56:13,237 --> 01:56:15,199
Most people are
named, you know, back
2942
01:56:15,199 --> 01:56:16,690
in the day for what they did.
2943
01:56:16,690 --> 01:56:19,913
Like I'm Smith.
2944
01:56:19,913 --> 01:56:22,576
Presumably somewhere in my
line, I had a blacksmith.
2945
01:56:22,576 --> 01:56:24,228
Hedley?
2946
01:56:24,228 --> 01:56:27,121
That says cocksucker to me.
2947
01:56:27,121 --> 01:56:29,523
[LAUGHTER]
2948
01:56:30,974 --> 01:56:34,758
So-- so I meet Carol Ann Hedley.
2949
01:56:34,758 --> 01:56:36,730
And of course, I
fucking remember
2950
01:56:36,730 --> 01:56:38,502
her name and her
atrocious-looking face
2951
01:56:38,502 --> 01:56:41,765
from the-- from the byline.
2952
01:56:41,765 --> 01:56:43,217
Uh, so I say, hey, what's up?
2953
01:56:43,217 --> 01:56:43,917
Who's the insider?
2954
01:56:43,917 --> 01:56:46,590
And why are you trashing the
movie without giving it a shot?
2955
01:56:46,590 --> 01:56:47,761
Why do you have to
write like that?
2956
01:56:47,761 --> 01:56:49,063
Why does it always
have to be negative?
2957
01:56:49,063 --> 01:56:50,474
Can't it be positive and shit?
2958
01:56:50,474 --> 01:56:52,236
Little girl's here,
first time in England.
2959
01:56:52,236 --> 01:56:53,207
You know, she's in the movie.
2960
01:56:53,207 --> 01:56:54,398
And-- well, why?
2961
01:56:54,398 --> 01:56:55,699
Why go-- and she's
like, you know what?
2962
01:56:55,699 --> 01:56:56,400
You're right.
2963
01:56:56,400 --> 01:56:57,571
You're turning me around here.
2964
01:56:57,571 --> 01:56:59,713
And I was like, I am?
2965
01:56:59,713 --> 01:57:00,534
I said, right on.
2966
01:57:00,534 --> 01:57:03,627
And so I started giving her
a pretty decent interview.
2967
01:57:03,627 --> 01:57:04,778
Then she wrote this.
2968
01:57:04,778 --> 01:57:07,971
[LAUGHTER]
2969
01:57:07,971 --> 01:57:10,424
"It's obvious to
everyone else that Ben
2970
01:57:10,424 --> 01:57:14,588
Affleck-- Ben Affleck and J
Lo do not a good movie make.
2971
01:57:14,588 --> 01:57:16,970
But at least the director
of their latest flick
2972
01:57:16,970 --> 01:57:19,933
has the grace to admit as much."
2973
01:57:19,933 --> 01:57:23,026
Um-- "The pair dubbed
"Bennifer" made
2974
01:57:23,026 --> 01:57:25,269
"Jersey Girl" before their
rather acrimonious split
2975
01:57:25,269 --> 01:57:26,570
earlier this year."
2976
01:57:26,570 --> 01:57:27,641
Now, this is my quote.
2977
01:57:27,641 --> 01:57:31,955
This is the guy saying--
this is the director having
2978
01:57:31,955 --> 01:57:34,098
the grace to admit as much.
2979
01:57:34,098 --> 01:57:36,530
"I think from now on I'm
going to have a no couples
2980
01:57:36,530 --> 01:57:38,492
rule in my movie, he said."
2981
01:57:38,492 --> 01:57:40,284
That's me.
2982
01:57:40,284 --> 01:57:41,605
"The negative vibe
surrounding them
2983
01:57:41,605 --> 01:57:43,467
has definitely taken
away some of the business
2984
01:57:43,467 --> 01:57:44,528
we could have done.
2985
01:57:44,528 --> 01:57:46,570
Is that really me
admitting to anything?
2986
01:57:46,570 --> 01:57:49,653
Or going like, I'm
so fucking sorry?
2987
01:57:49,653 --> 01:57:51,385
This is the worst thing
that's happened to humanity
2988
01:57:51,385 --> 01:57:52,596
since the Holocaust.
2989
01:57:52,596 --> 01:57:54,748
And I don't know
what I was thinking.
2990
01:57:54,748 --> 01:57:55,639
Please, mea culpa.
2991
01:57:55,639 --> 01:57:56,340
Mea culpa.
2992
01:57:56,340 --> 01:57:57,911
No, not at all.
2993
01:57:57,911 --> 01:57:59,543
But this is the
really weird thing.
2994
01:57:59,543 --> 01:58:08,992
She refers to me as the movie's
"fat, bearded, Hobbit lookalike
2995
01:58:08,992 --> 01:58:11,195
director Kevin Smith."
2996
01:58:11,195 --> 01:58:15,189
Now, I'll take fat and bearded.
2997
01:58:15,189 --> 01:58:18,061
And you could throw in sweaty.
2998
01:58:18,061 --> 01:58:18,902
But Hobbit like?
2999
01:58:18,902 --> 01:58:24,398
Like, if I'm a Hobbit,
this bitch is an orc.
3000
01:58:24,398 --> 01:58:28,382
[APPLAUSE]
3001
01:58:30,874 --> 01:58:32,586
But the thing that
really bitch--
3002
01:58:32,586 --> 01:58:33,447
bitched me out the most.
3003
01:58:33,447 --> 01:58:34,718
The thing that I
really couldn't stand
3004
01:58:34,718 --> 01:58:37,751
was the insider thing, because
it's just so vague, right?
3005
01:58:37,751 --> 01:58:39,493
Anybody-- you could just
make shit up and be like,
3006
01:58:39,493 --> 01:58:40,804
insider told the.
3007
01:58:40,804 --> 01:58:41,595
Total insider.
3008
01:58:41,595 --> 01:58:43,066
And I think in this
case, it meant some dude
3009
01:58:43,066 --> 01:58:44,398
was fucking inside her.
3010
01:58:49,503 --> 01:58:51,155
But two can play at that game.
3011
01:58:51,155 --> 01:58:54,478
Because I did some
investigating of my own.
3012
01:58:54,478 --> 01:59:00,644
And insiders tell me vis-a-vis
regarding the 3AM girls
3013
01:59:00,644 --> 01:59:08,111
that for a euro-- not a pound
mind you-- a fucking euro,
3014
01:59:08,111 --> 01:59:11,044
you could take any
one of the 3AM girls
3015
01:59:11,044 --> 01:59:13,557
and brick in her fucking mouth.
3016
01:59:13,557 --> 01:59:16,900
[APPLAUSE]
3017
01:59:23,126 --> 01:59:25,919
Now, mind you, I don't
know if that's true.
3018
01:59:25,919 --> 01:59:30,063
It's just what some
insiders told me.
3019
01:59:30,063 --> 01:59:32,236
Seemed credible.
3020
01:59:32,236 --> 01:59:34,518
But these British press people
aren't anything like that.
3021
01:59:34,518 --> 01:59:36,650
So don't punch them
in the fucking face.
3022
01:59:36,650 --> 01:59:41,084
I changed my mind in the
middle of that story.
3023
01:59:41,084 --> 01:59:42,356
Um, all right.
3024
01:59:42,356 --> 01:59:43,617
So enough about fucking me.
3025
01:59:43,617 --> 01:59:47,801
Let's-- let's go over to you
guys, and then come back to me.
3026
01:59:47,801 --> 01:59:48,802
So who's got the mic first?
3027
01:59:48,802 --> 01:59:49,533
This side of the room.
3028
01:59:49,533 --> 01:59:50,334
You got it?
3029
01:59:50,334 --> 01:59:51,625
You got the mic?
3030
01:59:51,625 --> 01:59:53,417
Yeah, it's a real
hand raising affair.
3031
01:59:53,417 --> 01:59:54,548
And don't-- you know.
3032
01:59:54,548 --> 01:59:55,249
Jut right the fuck.
3033
01:59:55,249 --> 01:59:56,500
Be American about it.
3034
01:59:56,500 --> 01:59:59,383
Like, hey, I demand things.
3035
01:59:59,383 --> 02:00:01,225
It is my right.
3036
02:00:01,225 --> 02:00:05,779
According to our Constitution
that we piss all over.
3037
02:00:05,779 --> 02:00:06,880
First question of
the night, sir.
3038
02:00:06,880 --> 02:00:07,861
Set the tone.
3039
02:00:07,861 --> 02:00:08,622
OK.
3040
02:00:08,622 --> 02:00:10,804
First of all, on
behalf of everyone
3041
02:00:10,804 --> 02:00:12,366
here, thanks a lot for
coming over to England.
3042
02:00:12,366 --> 02:00:13,857
It's great to have you here.
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
3043
02:00:13,857 --> 02:00:14,678
Very grateful--
3044
02:00:14,678 --> 02:00:16,129
[APPLAUSE]
3045
02:00:16,129 --> 02:00:16,890
--to be here.
3046
02:00:16,890 --> 02:00:17,581
Thank you.
3047
02:00:23,317 --> 02:00:24,017
Thank you.
3048
02:00:24,017 --> 02:00:27,130
My question is regarding your
fictional cartoon characters,
3049
02:00:27,130 --> 02:00:27,961
Bluntman and Chronic.
3050
02:00:27,961 --> 02:00:28,662
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
3051
02:00:28,662 --> 02:00:29,913
Is there a chance
that we might see
3052
02:00:29,913 --> 02:00:32,165
a Bluntman and Chronic
movie at some point?
3053
02:00:32,165 --> 02:00:33,997
And also, if you don't
make one, is there
3054
02:00:33,997 --> 02:00:36,410
a particular Marvel
or DC comic character
3055
02:00:36,410 --> 02:00:38,071
that you'd like to
make a movie about?
3056
02:00:38,071 --> 02:00:40,544
Seeing as you've already
starred in "Daredevil."
3057
02:00:40,544 --> 02:00:45,479
So basically in England,
there's a 46-part question.
3058
02:00:45,479 --> 02:00:49,583
It's never as simple as
like, who would you fuck?
3059
02:00:49,583 --> 02:00:52,606
I'm like, well, um.
3060
02:00:52,606 --> 02:00:53,657
Let's take it piece by piece.
3061
02:00:53,657 --> 02:00:55,729
I've to wait for you to get all
the way back around the room,
3062
02:00:55,729 --> 02:00:56,520
so I've got to get it
all in at one point.
3063
02:00:56,520 --> 02:00:56,810
Right.
3064
02:00:56,810 --> 02:00:57,851
Right.
3065
02:00:57,851 --> 02:00:58,852
Cram it all in there and shit.
3066
02:00:58,852 --> 02:00:59,553
AUDIENCE: Exactly.
3067
02:00:59,553 --> 02:01:00,404
I understand.
3068
02:01:00,404 --> 02:01:01,555
I grew up fat.
3069
02:01:01,555 --> 02:01:02,856
What can you do?
3070
02:01:02,856 --> 02:01:04,688
So I always understand
the feeling of like,
3071
02:01:04,688 --> 02:01:06,159
this might be my last meal.
3072
02:01:14,848 --> 02:01:16,680
You feel my pain.
3073
02:01:16,680 --> 02:01:17,581
You feel my pain.
3074
02:01:17,581 --> 02:01:18,282
Thank you.
3075
02:01:18,282 --> 02:01:18,962
You got it?
3076
02:01:18,962 --> 02:01:19,303
Really?
3077
02:01:19,303 --> 02:01:20,654
All right, let me see your gut.
3078
02:01:20,654 --> 02:01:23,106
You don't look that fat.
3079
02:01:23,106 --> 02:01:24,137
You're sitting next to a chick.
3080
02:01:24,137 --> 02:01:24,838
Do you know him?
3081
02:01:24,838 --> 02:01:25,799
No?
3082
02:01:25,799 --> 02:01:28,542
You will by the
end of the night.
3083
02:01:28,542 --> 02:01:30,884
I'm going to romance you two.
3084
02:01:30,884 --> 02:01:31,935
For each other.
3085
02:01:31,935 --> 02:01:33,397
Oh, you're with him?
3086
02:01:33,397 --> 02:01:34,257
Fuck that guy.
3087
02:01:38,412 --> 02:01:40,133
Um, why him?
3088
02:01:40,133 --> 02:01:41,695
He seems rather fit.
3089
02:01:41,695 --> 02:01:43,607
Go for the heavy guy.
3090
02:01:43,607 --> 02:01:45,739
Heavy guys are awesome lovers.
3091
02:01:45,739 --> 02:01:50,103
Once you get past the
grotesque swinging gut.
3092
02:01:50,103 --> 02:01:53,717
Heavy guys try harder because
they got a lot to make up for.
3093
02:01:53,717 --> 02:01:55,609
And they're so
fucking slobbering--
3094
02:01:55,609 --> 02:01:57,871
slobberingly grateful,
for even the tiniest
3095
02:01:57,871 --> 02:01:59,843
piece of pussy they're thrown.
3096
02:01:59,843 --> 02:02:01,084
You will be eaten
out like you've
3097
02:02:01,084 --> 02:02:03,667
never been eaten out before.
3098
02:02:03,667 --> 02:02:05,549
You'll be eaten out like
a man coming off a desert
3099
02:02:05,549 --> 02:02:07,881
island digging into a chicken.
3100
02:02:14,097 --> 02:02:19,473
I mean, you do have the
skills to back this up, right?
3101
02:02:19,473 --> 02:02:21,765
I would hate to go this
distance and have you be like,
3102
02:02:21,765 --> 02:02:23,256
I'm sorry, I like cock.
3103
02:02:23,256 --> 02:02:25,258
[LAUGHTER]
3104
02:02:33,246 --> 02:02:35,228
So Bluntman and Chronic.
3105
02:02:35,228 --> 02:02:37,290
Are we ever going to make a
Bluntman and Chronic movie?
3106
02:02:37,290 --> 02:02:38,181
Came close.
3107
02:02:38,181 --> 02:02:39,793
And that's what
eventually became "Jay
3108
02:02:39,793 --> 02:02:41,415
and Silent Bob Strike Back."
3109
02:02:41,415 --> 02:02:42,976
Like I had initially
thought, hey, maybe
3110
02:02:42,976 --> 02:02:45,489
a whole movie about
Bluntman and Chronic.
3111
02:02:45,489 --> 02:02:47,461
Um, and I forget
who I ran it passed.
3112
02:02:47,461 --> 02:02:49,453
I think I ran it passed Mewes
and was like, what about us
3113
02:02:49,453 --> 02:02:51,395
as superheroes the whole movie?
3114
02:02:51,395 --> 02:02:52,726
He was like, you
really want to do that?
3115
02:02:52,726 --> 02:02:53,927
I was like, wouldn't it be cool?
3116
02:02:53,927 --> 02:02:55,298
We could do like a
fake comic book movie.
3117
02:02:55,298 --> 02:02:57,621
He's like, you going
to wear tights?
3118
02:02:57,621 --> 02:03:02,526
[LAUGHTER]
3119
02:03:02,526 --> 02:03:03,356
I was like, you're right.
3120
02:03:03,356 --> 02:03:06,410
Maybe just a scene because
we don't need that.
3121
02:03:06,410 --> 02:03:09,943
So no, probably no Bluntman
and Chronic feature.
3122
02:03:09,943 --> 02:03:11,485
Um, maybe in the
comic book form.
3123
02:03:11,485 --> 02:03:12,956
Maybe I'll get around
doing another Bluntman
3124
02:03:12,956 --> 02:03:13,987
and Chronic comic.
3125
02:03:13,987 --> 02:03:16,910
But I can't see myself doing
a whole-- a whole feature
3126
02:03:16,910 --> 02:03:18,131
about it.
3127
02:03:18,131 --> 02:03:19,493
AUDIENCE: And what
about the, uh,
3128
02:03:19,493 --> 02:03:21,094
sort of X-Men type
character angle.
3129
02:03:21,094 --> 02:03:23,837
Would you ever think
about doing like a Batman
3130
02:03:23,837 --> 02:03:24,798
or a Superman type movie?
3131
02:03:24,798 --> 02:03:25,959
Or a Fantastic Four?
3132
02:03:25,959 --> 02:03:27,360
Do like a big comic book movie?
3133
02:03:27,360 --> 02:03:28,061
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
3134
02:03:28,061 --> 02:03:30,454
At one point, I was
attached-- and still am,
3135
02:03:30,454 --> 02:03:32,125
kind of, to the Green Hornet.
3136
02:03:32,125 --> 02:03:34,418
I was going to-- you know, I
was doing Superman at one point,
3137
02:03:34,418 --> 02:03:35,809
a long time ago.
3138
02:03:35,809 --> 02:03:39,573
But, um-- and we won't
talk about that anymore.
3139
02:03:39,573 --> 02:03:42,956
But, uh, I was attached to do
Green Hornet up till recently,
3140
02:03:42,956 --> 02:03:44,848
when I decided to not direct it.
3141
02:03:44,848 --> 02:03:45,659
I wrote it.
3142
02:03:45,659 --> 02:03:47,070
You know, I turned
in a first draft.
3143
02:03:47,070 --> 02:03:48,111
Turned in a second draft.
3144
02:03:48,111 --> 02:03:49,232
But I don't want to direct it.
3145
02:03:49,232 --> 02:03:51,905
Because for me, I just
don't have the patience
3146
02:03:51,905 --> 02:03:52,906
to do a movie like that.
3147
02:03:52,906 --> 02:03:54,618
Like when it was offered
to me, Harvey Weinstein,
3148
02:03:54,618 --> 02:03:55,939
the chairman of Miramax,
is like, you want
3149
02:03:55,939 --> 02:03:56,670
to do the Green Hornet movie?
3150
02:03:56,670 --> 02:03:58,502
And I was like, you want to
give me a comic book movie?
3151
02:03:58,502 --> 02:04:00,173
You want to give me
a comic book movie?
3152
02:04:00,173 --> 02:04:01,665
I comic books.
3153
02:04:01,665 --> 02:04:05,348
He's like, that's
why I asked you.
3154
02:04:05,348 --> 02:04:07,160
So I would fucking
love to do it.
3155
02:04:07,160 --> 02:04:09,593
It was one of those things
that you're so happy to get,
3156
02:04:09,593 --> 02:04:11,595
that you don't think
about it until, you know,
3157
02:04:11,595 --> 02:04:13,216
the smoke is fucking cleared.
3158
02:04:13,216 --> 02:04:16,540
And it's announced and shit like
that, that you have no interest
3159
02:04:16,540 --> 02:04:17,771
in doing it whatsoever.
3160
02:04:17,771 --> 02:04:19,613
Like, I love watching
comic book movies.
3161
02:04:19,613 --> 02:04:22,315
But making one, fucking boring.
3162
02:04:22,315 --> 02:04:25,619
Like the few times I've actually
had to shoot an action sequence
3163
02:04:25,619 --> 02:04:28,732
in some-- what passed for
an action sequence in some
3164
02:04:28,732 --> 02:04:30,193
of the flicks we've
done, it's always
3165
02:04:30,193 --> 02:04:32,736
so tedious and fucking slow.
3166
02:04:32,736 --> 02:04:35,348
And it's just like, you
grab this little piece here.
3167
02:04:35,348 --> 02:04:36,990
And you shoot that
fucking until it's right.
3168
02:04:36,990 --> 02:04:38,361
And then you grab this
little piece here.
3169
02:04:38,361 --> 02:04:39,513
It's a series of cuts.
3170
02:04:39,513 --> 02:04:40,754
Whereas, when you're
shooting dialog,
3171
02:04:40,754 --> 02:04:42,786
it's just people sitting
there shooting the shit.
3172
02:04:42,786 --> 02:04:44,417
And they're saying
the dialog you wrote.
3173
02:04:44,417 --> 02:04:46,900
And I'm kind of in love with
my own shit, so it's just fun.
3174
02:04:46,900 --> 02:04:47,671
I'm like, that's great.
3175
02:04:47,671 --> 02:04:48,902
Let's do it again.
3176
02:04:48,902 --> 02:04:49,833
Like, it wasn't good enough?
3177
02:04:49,833 --> 02:04:50,604
I'm like, it was great.
3178
02:04:50,604 --> 02:04:52,435
I just want to hear it again.
3179
02:04:52,435 --> 02:04:54,548
Action sequences take
like a day to shoot.
3180
02:04:54,548 --> 02:04:56,520
And then at the end of the day,
when you cut them together,
3181
02:04:56,520 --> 02:04:59,092
it's like maybe 10
seconds of screen time.
3182
02:04:59,092 --> 02:05:00,604
So that kind of
shit's boring to me.
3183
02:05:00,604 --> 02:05:03,096
Also, I just don't have
it in me to be a real,
3184
02:05:03,096 --> 02:05:05,208
like visual, visceral director.
3185
02:05:05,208 --> 02:05:05,979
Like, I'm not the guy--
3186
02:05:05,979 --> 02:05:08,401
My version of the Green Hornet
would be like the Green Hornet
3187
02:05:08,401 --> 02:05:12,566
and Kato leaning against
the Black Beauty,
3188
02:05:12,566 --> 02:05:15,959
the amazing super-car
that can do anything,
3189
02:05:15,959 --> 02:05:17,891
and talking about,
you know, pussy.
3190
02:05:21,745 --> 02:05:22,846
I mean, it's that simple.
3191
02:05:22,846 --> 02:05:24,928
And then Kato would just be
like, hey, is that a crime
3192
02:05:24,928 --> 02:05:26,299
happening over there?
3193
02:05:26,299 --> 02:05:29,222
Pointing off-camera.
3194
02:05:29,222 --> 02:05:32,676
And we wouldn't even pan to it.
3195
02:05:32,676 --> 02:05:36,129
And Green Hornet would be
like, yeah, you're right.
3196
02:05:36,129 --> 02:05:37,681
We should do something about it.
3197
02:05:37,681 --> 02:05:39,192
Let's roll, Kato.
3198
02:05:39,192 --> 02:05:42,856
And then they step out of the
frame and we hold on the car.
3199
02:05:42,856 --> 02:05:46,990
And we just hear
shit-- ass kicking.
3200
02:05:46,990 --> 02:05:50,944
And then the two come back
and they're just like--
3201
02:05:50,944 --> 02:05:53,176
so where was I?
3202
02:05:53,176 --> 02:05:55,488
Oh, totally, dude.
3203
02:05:55,488 --> 02:05:57,530
Anal sex has nothing
to do-- you know?
3204
02:05:57,530 --> 02:06:00,163
And just go on from there.
3205
02:06:00,163 --> 02:06:02,415
And nobody wants-- wants
to make that movie.
3206
02:06:02,415 --> 02:06:04,447
Like if I could get away with
that-- making that version
3207
02:06:04,447 --> 02:06:07,460
of the movie, like the least
visually interesting comic book
3208
02:06:07,460 --> 02:06:09,492
movie of all time, that's
essentially like one
3209
02:06:09,492 --> 02:06:12,005
of my chick-- one of my flicks,
but just putting motherfuckers
3210
02:06:12,005 --> 02:06:14,137
in masks, I'd do it.
3211
02:06:14,137 --> 02:06:15,348
But nobody will finance that.
3212
02:06:15,348 --> 02:06:16,810
And the thing is once
you take a budget,
3213
02:06:16,810 --> 02:06:18,181
like budget of Green
Hornet's going to be
3214
02:06:18,181 --> 02:06:20,083
like $50, $70, $80 million.
3215
02:06:20,083 --> 02:06:22,245
Once you take a budget, you
have to start listening to what
3216
02:06:22,245 --> 02:06:23,176
other people have to say.
3217
02:06:23,176 --> 02:06:24,638
It's no longer your flick.
3218
02:06:24,638 --> 02:06:27,030
Like Green Hornet would
never be my movie.
3219
02:06:27,030 --> 02:06:29,813
It would always be like this
movie that was kind of noted
3220
02:06:29,813 --> 02:06:32,836
to death because wisely, the
people who invest the money
3221
02:06:32,836 --> 02:06:35,328
in it, which would be Miramax,
or whatever the new company
3222
02:06:35,328 --> 02:06:37,330
Miramax becomes--
or Harvey and Bob
3223
02:06:37,330 --> 02:06:39,953
become when they leave Miramax.
3224
02:06:39,953 --> 02:06:41,655
They would want to make
back their investment.
3225
02:06:41,655 --> 02:06:44,147
You don't make your money back
doing my version of the movie.
3226
02:06:44,147 --> 02:06:46,820
So essentially, they'd be like,
oh, it's got to-- an action
3227
02:06:46,820 --> 02:06:48,271
beat's got to happen
every 10 pages.
3228
02:06:48,271 --> 02:06:49,442
You got to follow a formula.
3229
02:06:49,442 --> 02:06:52,916
Like, you'd hear a lot of
like-- do it like Spiderman.
3230
02:06:52,916 --> 02:06:53,617
So I'm like, what?
3231
02:06:53,617 --> 02:06:59,152
He should shoot fucking
webs and act really stiffly?
3232
02:06:59,152 --> 02:07:01,975
I was going to say,
if you were to make it,
3233
02:07:01,975 --> 02:07:04,107
would you put Affleck
in the leading role?
3234
02:07:04,107 --> 02:07:06,389
I would totally cast Affleck.
3235
02:07:06,389 --> 02:07:07,230
Totally, totally.
3236
02:07:07,230 --> 02:07:09,212
I would cast that
dude in anything.
3237
02:07:09,212 --> 02:07:10,243
Anything whatsoever.
3238
02:07:10,243 --> 02:07:10,994
Yeah, Green Hornet.
3239
02:07:10,994 --> 02:07:14,407
I'd cast him as Green
Hornet and Kato.
3240
02:07:14,407 --> 02:07:18,802
Just have him doing a really
insulting Asian accent.
3241
02:07:18,802 --> 02:07:20,033
Do split screen.
3242
02:07:20,033 --> 02:07:22,535
Have him talk to himself.
3243
02:07:22,535 --> 02:07:24,037
Kato, do you like pussy?
3244
02:07:24,037 --> 02:07:27,490
Oh, me love pussy.
3245
02:07:27,490 --> 02:07:33,426
[APPLAUSE]
3246
02:07:33,426 --> 02:07:36,890
Just where critics were like,
we don't even know what to say.
3247
02:07:36,890 --> 02:07:39,322
He's fucking lost his mind.
3248
02:07:39,322 --> 02:07:40,153
Yeah, it's funny.
3249
02:07:40,153 --> 02:07:42,535
But he lost his mind, you know?
3250
02:07:42,535 --> 02:07:44,567
So no, I'm not a-- you got
to give movies like that
3251
02:07:44,567 --> 02:07:46,409
to people like Bryan Singer.
3252
02:07:46,409 --> 02:07:48,401
Like, you know, I
love-- he did "X-Men."
3253
02:07:48,401 --> 02:07:49,102
He did "X-Men 2."
3254
02:07:49,102 --> 02:07:50,363
And I love those movies.
3255
02:07:50,363 --> 02:07:52,025
He's going "Superman" now.
3256
02:07:52,025 --> 02:07:53,697
And I love fucking "X-Men 2."
3257
02:07:53,697 --> 02:07:56,059
I thought that was an
insanely well-made comic book
3258
02:07:56,059 --> 02:07:59,512
movie and balanced a lot of
story lines and shit like that.
3259
02:07:59,512 --> 02:08:01,785
And just-- it works
so well because it's
3260
02:08:01,785 --> 02:08:04,447
just one big gay parable.
3261
02:08:04,447 --> 02:08:06,790
Essentially, "X-Men"
is about being gay,
3262
02:08:06,790 --> 02:08:09,272
and how weird it is to live in
a world surrounded by people
3263
02:08:09,272 --> 02:08:12,145
who are like, ew, you're gay.
3264
02:08:12,145 --> 02:08:13,596
So it's totally entertaining.
3265
02:08:13,596 --> 02:08:16,389
But meanwhile most people
don't view it like that.
3266
02:08:16,389 --> 02:08:18,702
Most people view it, you
know, the way it's presented.
3267
02:08:18,702 --> 02:08:21,024
Where fucking, you
know, Toad is getting
3268
02:08:21,024 --> 02:08:23,536
the shit beat out of him by
Cyclops, or some such shit.
3269
02:08:23,536 --> 02:08:25,989
Or, Wolverine is
taking on fucking,
3270
02:08:25,989 --> 02:08:29,552
um-- Colonel Striker's
attacking-- team attacking,
3271
02:08:29,552 --> 02:08:30,804
you know, the mansion.
3272
02:08:30,804 --> 02:08:34,087
But me, I'm sitting there going,
this is all about being gay.
3273
02:08:34,087 --> 02:08:34,788
You know?
3274
02:08:34,788 --> 02:08:35,568
And so you come
out of the theater
3275
02:08:35,568 --> 02:08:37,200
and little kids are
like, I loved Wolverine.
3276
02:08:37,200 --> 02:08:39,202
Snip, snip, snip.
3277
02:08:39,202 --> 02:08:40,503
And you're like, come here.
3278
02:08:40,503 --> 02:08:41,204
Come here.
3279
02:08:44,798 --> 02:08:47,470
You like Wolverine, do you?
3280
02:08:47,470 --> 02:08:48,882
Because if you like
Wolverine, it's
3281
02:08:48,882 --> 02:08:50,824
pretty much saying that you'd
put a cock in your mouth.
3282
02:08:56,499 --> 02:09:00,814
Let me explain shit to you about
what a gay parable this movie
3283
02:09:00,814 --> 02:09:01,514
is.
3284
02:09:01,514 --> 02:09:03,026
And you drop science
on, you know,
3285
02:09:03,026 --> 02:09:05,548
a little 10-year-old
for about 20 minutes.
3286
02:09:05,548 --> 02:09:07,460
And then by the end, you
send him off into the world
3287
02:09:07,460 --> 02:09:09,652
ready to eat cock.
3288
02:09:09,652 --> 02:09:11,244
Because that's what
the "X-Men" movie is.
3289
02:09:11,244 --> 02:09:13,566
It's just preparing a whole
next generation of kids
3290
02:09:13,566 --> 02:09:15,608
to be like, yeah, it's
all right to be gay.
3291
02:09:15,608 --> 02:09:16,329
I'm done with it.
3292
02:09:16,329 --> 02:09:18,321
Wolverine's gay.
3293
02:09:18,321 --> 02:09:21,574
That fat guy told me he is.
3294
02:09:21,574 --> 02:09:24,107
So I'm kind of hoping Bryan
Singer takes, like "Superman"
3295
02:09:24,107 --> 02:09:26,810
and just turns that into
a gay parable as well.
3296
02:09:26,810 --> 02:09:29,182
Just make it all about
how Superman is gay.
3297
02:09:29,182 --> 02:09:30,904
And Lois is like, oh, Superman.
3298
02:09:30,904 --> 02:09:31,684
He's like, whatever.
3299
02:09:31,684 --> 02:09:33,466
Hey, Jimmy.
3300
02:09:33,466 --> 02:09:35,949
[LAUGHTER]
3301
02:09:35,949 --> 02:09:37,931
I see you have a camera.
3302
02:09:42,385 --> 02:09:43,296
So I don't know.
3303
02:09:43,296 --> 02:09:44,367
Give it-- give it to those cats.
3304
02:09:44,367 --> 02:09:46,089
Those cats know how to
make movies like that.
3305
02:09:46,089 --> 02:09:46,779
You know?
I don't.
3306
02:09:46,779 --> 02:09:48,181
I don't know how to
make movies like that.
3307
02:09:48,181 --> 02:09:49,953
I'm really not that interested.
3308
02:09:49,953 --> 02:09:52,775
Like as soon as the smoke
cleared from-- from "Green
3309
02:09:52,775 --> 02:09:55,328
Hornet" and the fallout of
"Jersey Girl," I was just like,
3310
02:09:55,328 --> 02:09:56,029
you know what?
3311
02:09:56,029 --> 02:09:56,719
Fuck it.
3312
02:09:56,719 --> 02:09:58,151
I'd rather make a small movie.
3313
02:09:58,151 --> 02:09:59,462
I'd rather make
something really cheap.
3314
02:09:59,462 --> 02:10:00,303
And that's eventually--
3315
02:10:00,303 --> 02:10:02,856
And then we were working
on the "Clerks 10" DVD.
3316
02:10:02,856 --> 02:10:03,686
The 10th anniversary DVD.
3317
02:10:03,686 --> 02:10:05,128
And I was like, this
is what I'd rather do.
3318
02:10:05,128 --> 02:10:07,250
And I'd rather go back and see
what these dudes are about.
3319
02:10:07,250 --> 02:10:08,982
Because it's kind of like
making the "Green Hornet,"
3320
02:10:08,982 --> 02:10:10,183
just taking off the masks.
3321
02:10:10,183 --> 02:10:12,045
Well, my version of
the "Green Hornet."
3322
02:10:12,045 --> 02:10:13,726
But just taking off the masks.
3323
02:10:13,726 --> 02:10:16,039
So that's where I switched
and I was just like,
3324
02:10:16,039 --> 02:10:17,931
this is what I'd rather--
this is what I'm made to do.
3325
02:10:17,931 --> 02:10:19,712
Like, this is what I like
to do, shit like this.
3326
02:10:19,712 --> 02:10:21,804
I love to watch
comic book movies.
3327
02:10:21,804 --> 02:10:22,966
Just don't want to make them.
3328
02:10:22,966 --> 02:10:24,517
Too lazy.
3329
02:10:24,517 --> 02:10:26,059
Way too lazy.
3330
02:10:26,059 --> 02:10:28,962
Because they just require too
much effort and shit like that.
3331
02:10:28,962 --> 02:10:33,346
I'm the-- I'm the guy who like,
I don't even fuck on top, sir.
3332
02:10:33,346 --> 02:10:34,928
Like, I'm a bottom guy .
3333
02:10:34,928 --> 02:10:37,500
Because being on top
takes too much energy.
3334
02:10:37,500 --> 02:10:39,492
Like, well, how I can
direct a superhero movie
3335
02:10:39,492 --> 02:10:41,865
if I won't even have--
give my wife the courtesy
3336
02:10:41,865 --> 02:10:42,886
of climbing aboard?
3337
02:10:45,849 --> 02:10:49,052
Where I'm just like, go.
3338
02:10:49,052 --> 02:10:51,374
Maybe you're looking to
be the antihero in that?
3339
02:10:51,374 --> 02:10:55,528
In my relationship
with my wife?
3340
02:10:55,528 --> 02:10:58,201
Like, I'm the villain and shit?
3341
02:10:58,201 --> 02:11:00,583
I hadn't thought
about it like that.
3342
02:11:00,583 --> 02:11:01,865
I guess so.
3343
02:11:01,865 --> 02:11:05,328
My idea of being Lex Luthor
is like, no, you fuck me.
3344
02:11:05,328 --> 02:11:09,632
[LAUGHTER]
3345
02:11:09,632 --> 02:11:11,144
Don't you want to
take over the world?
3346
02:11:11,144 --> 02:11:12,825
No.
3347
02:11:12,825 --> 02:11:15,058
I just don't want
to do the fucking.
3348
02:11:15,058 --> 02:11:17,130
Because I get sweaty,
and then the gut swings.
3349
02:11:17,130 --> 02:11:22,065
Just you jump on board and
tell me when you're done.
3350
02:11:22,065 --> 02:11:23,997
And then I'll wrap up
and we'll watch some TV.
3351
02:11:30,323 --> 02:11:32,635
So no Bluntman and Chronic.
3352
02:11:32,635 --> 02:11:33,686
Thanks a lot.
3353
02:11:33,686 --> 02:11:34,447
KEVIN SMITH: Right on.
3354
02:11:34,447 --> 02:11:35,218
Upstairs.
3355
02:11:35,218 --> 02:11:35,939
Hello.
3356
02:11:35,939 --> 02:11:36,659
Hello.
Where are you?
3357
02:11:36,659 --> 02:11:37,410
I'm actually up here.
3358
02:11:37,410 --> 02:11:38,261
You missed me.
3359
02:11:38,261 --> 02:11:39,062
Hello.
3360
02:11:39,062 --> 02:11:40,453
Um, one, I think you're great.
3361
02:11:40,453 --> 02:11:41,854
I love all your movies
and your comics.
3362
02:11:41,854 --> 02:11:42,795
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
3363
02:11:42,795 --> 02:11:43,626
Comics.
3364
02:11:43,626 --> 02:11:45,128
Your comics.
3365
02:11:45,128 --> 02:11:45,828
KEVIN SMITH: So cute.
3366
02:11:45,828 --> 02:11:47,510
Comics.
3367
02:11:47,510 --> 02:11:50,413
I've never read one
because I'm a girl.
3368
02:11:50,413 --> 02:11:51,794
That is not true.
3369
02:11:51,794 --> 02:11:52,495
You read comics?
3370
02:11:52,495 --> 02:11:53,656
AUDIENCE: I've got
loads of comics.
3371
02:11:53,656 --> 02:11:54,727
You're a comic-reading chick?
3372
02:11:54,727 --> 02:11:55,738
Yes.
KEVIN SMITH: Right on.
3373
02:11:55,738 --> 02:11:56,199
Hardcore.
3374
02:11:56,199 --> 02:11:56,960
AUDIENCE: Got over 300.
3375
02:11:56,960 --> 02:11:59,042
You must be fucking swamped
in a comic book store.
3376
02:11:59,042 --> 02:12:00,924
I used to work at
Forbidden Planet,
3377
02:12:00,924 --> 02:12:02,575
so I've got loads of access.
KEVIN SMITH: Did you really?
3378
02:12:02,575 --> 02:12:02,895
You worked there?
3379
02:12:02,895 --> 02:12:04,377
You know half those
dudes came in,
3380
02:12:04,377 --> 02:12:06,219
they didn't even give
a shit about comics.
3381
02:12:06,219 --> 02:12:08,711
They were just like,
she's got boobies.
3382
02:12:13,086 --> 02:12:15,048
AUDIENCE: Big ones, I know.
3383
02:12:15,048 --> 02:12:17,190
She's one of those,
what do you call them?
3384
02:12:17,190 --> 02:12:18,231
What do you call them, Gordon?
3385
02:12:20,803 --> 02:12:21,544
Ladies.
3386
02:12:21,544 --> 02:12:23,466
Yes.
3387
02:12:23,466 --> 02:12:26,139
She's one of them ladies.
3388
02:12:26,139 --> 02:12:27,160
Hello, love.
3389
02:12:27,160 --> 02:12:29,692
My accent is-- my
accent is not that bad.
3390
02:12:29,692 --> 02:12:30,933
It's not that bad?
3391
02:12:30,933 --> 02:12:32,035
I got a comic book store.
3392
02:12:32,035 --> 02:12:33,616
I know what I'm talking about.
3393
02:12:33,616 --> 02:12:34,317
Same shit.
3394
02:12:34,317 --> 02:12:36,909
They just don't have
the cute accent.
3395
02:12:36,909 --> 02:12:38,621
I'll come work
in your shop then.
3396
02:12:38,621 --> 02:12:40,613
Oh, please do.
3397
02:12:40,613 --> 02:12:42,525
We'd triple business.
3398
02:12:42,525 --> 02:12:44,517
We'd tripled foot traffic.
3399
02:12:44,517 --> 02:12:46,829
I don't know if anybody would
buy anything, unless you were
3400
02:12:46,829 --> 02:12:48,551
like, who wants to buy this?
3401
02:12:48,551 --> 02:12:49,592
I rubbed it on me bum.
3402
02:12:52,455 --> 02:12:56,749
[APPLAUSE]
3403
02:12:58,661 --> 02:13:00,303
Then you'd see
motherfuckers trample
3404
02:13:00,303 --> 02:13:03,686
one another to get a book
that touched a lady's bum.
3405
02:13:06,629 --> 02:13:10,553
I hope you got a question.
3406
02:13:10,553 --> 02:13:13,476
My question is though, you
listed "Shaun of the Dead?
3407
02:13:13,476 --> 02:13:15,358
As one of your top 10
favorite films of last year.
3408
02:13:15,358 --> 02:13:16,509
I loved "Shaun of the Dead."
3409
02:13:16,509 --> 02:13:17,910
Would you consider
working with him?
3410
02:13:17,910 --> 02:13:20,393
[APPLAUSE]
3411
02:13:23,886 --> 02:13:24,657
That's so easy, man.
3412
02:13:24,657 --> 02:13:27,430
You just come to fucking--
do the hometown favorites.
3413
02:13:27,430 --> 02:13:28,761
You're like, I love
"Shaun of the Dead."
3414
02:13:28,761 --> 02:13:29,712
They're like, woo.
3415
02:13:29,712 --> 02:13:30,413
So did we.
3416
02:13:30,413 --> 02:13:31,894
We're fucking British.
3417
02:13:36,329 --> 02:13:37,190
I love "The Office."
3418
02:13:37,190 --> 02:13:38,931
Woo.
3419
02:13:38,931 --> 02:13:40,012
A smart one he is.
3420
02:13:40,012 --> 02:13:40,943
I don't like "The Office."
3421
02:13:40,943 --> 02:13:41,914
You don't like "The Office?"
3422
02:13:41,914 --> 02:13:42,605
AUDIENCE: No.
3423
02:13:42,605 --> 02:13:44,117
Get out.
3424
02:13:44,117 --> 02:13:45,378
Really, you don't
like "The Office?"
3425
02:13:45,378 --> 02:13:46,079
No.
3426
02:13:46,079 --> 02:13:47,420
"Office" is brilliant.
3427
02:13:47,420 --> 02:13:48,231
Wow.
3428
02:13:48,231 --> 02:13:48,931
Takes all sorts.
3429
02:13:48,931 --> 02:13:50,923
KEVIN SMITH: That
job I offered you?
3430
02:13:50,923 --> 02:13:51,964
Forget it.
3431
02:13:51,964 --> 02:13:53,015
It does take all sorts.
3432
02:13:53,015 --> 02:13:54,467
So anyway, your question was?
3433
02:13:54,467 --> 02:13:56,179
Would you consider
working with them?
3434
02:13:56,179 --> 02:13:58,211
Would I consider working
with the bunch that did, uh,
3435
02:13:58,211 --> 02:13:59,152
"Shaun of the Dead?"
3436
02:13:59,152 --> 02:13:59,852
I mean, yeah.
3437
02:13:59,852 --> 02:14:01,814
If they were like, hey, you
want to be in our movie?
3438
02:14:01,814 --> 02:14:04,557
Try to ruin it like
you ruin all yours.
3439
02:14:04,557 --> 02:14:06,769
I just can't imagine they
would-- they don't need help,
3440
02:14:06,769 --> 02:14:07,470
man.
3441
02:14:07,470 --> 02:14:08,641
Those dudes are doing great.
3442
02:14:08,641 --> 02:14:10,443
I never saw "Spaced," is
that what it's called?
3443
02:14:10,443 --> 02:14:11,144
Yeah.
3444
02:14:11,144 --> 02:14:13,526
Until I was flying
over and watched
3445
02:14:13,526 --> 02:14:15,208
an episode on the plane.
3446
02:14:15,208 --> 02:14:16,028
Fucking brilliant.
3447
02:14:16,028 --> 02:14:17,180
It's really, really cool.
3448
02:14:17,180 --> 02:14:19,252
So now I'm going to grab
like-- I guess the first three
3449
02:14:19,252 --> 02:14:20,473
seasons are out over here?
3450
02:14:20,473 --> 02:14:21,204
There's only two out.
3451
02:14:21,204 --> 02:14:22,455
Only two out?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
3452
02:14:22,455 --> 02:14:23,996
We've been bugging them
for the third season
3453
02:14:23,996 --> 02:14:25,248
for quite a long time now.
3454
02:14:25,248 --> 02:14:26,669
When you say "we,"
who do you mean?
3455
02:14:26,669 --> 02:14:28,040
The British public.
3456
02:14:28,040 --> 02:14:29,452
Me and my bloke.
3457
02:14:33,696 --> 02:14:34,707
We go to the network.
3458
02:14:34,707 --> 02:14:37,310
We're like, where's 3, eh?
3459
02:14:37,310 --> 02:14:39,011
It's the first question
that's always asked.
3460
02:14:39,011 --> 02:14:39,912
What is she talking about?
3461
02:14:39,912 --> 02:14:40,933
Like, what's a Nubian.
3462
02:14:40,933 --> 02:14:42,485
When is season 3 coming out?
3463
02:14:42,485 --> 02:14:43,186
Oh, for fuck sake.
3464
02:14:43,186 --> 02:14:44,917
They get that question
a lot, do they?
3465
02:14:44,917 --> 02:14:47,340
And then they're
like, wait a second.
3466
02:14:47,340 --> 02:14:48,351
You're one of them ladies.
3467
02:14:50,963 --> 02:14:51,964
Yeah, so I like that.
3468
02:14:51,964 --> 02:14:53,936
I thought that was really
funny and kind of very much
3469
02:14:53,936 --> 02:14:56,109
in the-- looked and felt
like "Shaun of the Dead."
3470
02:14:56,109 --> 02:14:57,550
So now I want to see all that.
3471
02:14:57,550 --> 02:14:58,321
But I love those dudes.
3472
02:14:58,321 --> 02:14:59,552
But I don't think
they need any help.
3473
02:14:59,552 --> 02:15:01,124
They seem to have
their own crew going.
3474
02:15:01,124 --> 02:15:03,005
Call them.
3475
02:15:03,005 --> 02:15:05,448
Next time they work an event,
I'll tell them to call you.
3476
02:15:05,448 --> 02:15:06,149
Right on.
3477
02:15:06,149 --> 02:15:07,150
I think I'm going to see them.
3478
02:15:07,150 --> 02:15:09,692
I think I'm doing
the Empire Awards.
3479
02:15:09,692 --> 02:15:10,953
I'm getting an Empire Award.
3480
02:15:10,953 --> 02:15:13,836
"Empire" magazine has an awards
thing they do every year.
3481
02:15:13,836 --> 02:15:15,658
And they're given me an award.
3482
02:15:15,658 --> 02:15:17,340
And I think those dudes
are going to be there.
3483
02:15:17,340 --> 02:15:20,313
So I'm going to hit them up.
3484
02:15:20,313 --> 02:15:23,486
Be like, can I be in
one of your movies?
3485
02:15:23,486 --> 02:15:27,109
They're like, I think the
fat "Clerks" guy wants
3486
02:15:27,109 --> 02:15:29,632
to be in one of our shows.
3487
02:15:29,632 --> 02:15:30,753
No.
3488
02:15:30,753 --> 02:15:32,535
[LAUGHTER]
3489
02:15:32,535 --> 02:15:33,536
AUDIENCE: Thank you very much.
3490
02:15:33,536 --> 02:15:34,547
You J Lo lover.
3491
02:15:37,370 --> 02:15:38,271
Thank you.
3492
02:15:38,271 --> 02:15:39,152
Thank you.
3493
02:15:39,152 --> 02:15:39,852
Down here.
3494
02:15:39,852 --> 02:15:41,164
Yes, sir.
3495
02:15:41,164 --> 02:15:41,864
Uh, yeah.
3496
02:15:41,864 --> 02:15:44,617
A while ago, you, um--
you did the commentary,
3497
02:15:44,617 --> 02:15:46,859
the director's cut commentary
with Richard Kelly.
3498
02:15:46,859 --> 02:15:49,422
I did the "Donnie
Darko" commentary, yes.
3499
02:15:49,422 --> 02:15:50,703
Just basically,
I wanted to know,
3500
02:15:50,703 --> 02:15:53,105
um, A, how that came about.
3501
02:15:53,105 --> 02:15:55,588
And B, there was a--
there was a kind of phrase
3502
02:15:55,588 --> 02:15:57,990
that you said where you
kind of said to Richard, now
3503
02:15:57,990 --> 02:15:59,131
you've done "Donnie Darko."
3504
02:15:59,131 --> 02:16:02,635
People will want you to remake
this film, like over and over.
3505
02:16:02,635 --> 02:16:05,398
And you said that's basically
how you felt with "Clerks."
3506
02:16:05,398 --> 02:16:07,220
I was just going to
ask, with hindsight,
3507
02:16:07,220 --> 02:16:10,152
would you actually
consider going back
3508
02:16:10,152 --> 02:16:12,315
and maybe have done
"Jersey Girl" earlier?
3509
02:16:12,315 --> 02:16:15,918
Or maybe have done something
without Jay and Bob?
3510
02:16:15,918 --> 02:16:18,191
Well, I don't think now
having done "Jersey Girl,"
3511
02:16:18,191 --> 02:16:19,562
I don't think I'd ever
make another movie
3512
02:16:19,562 --> 02:16:21,053
without Jay and Silent Bob.
3513
02:16:21,053 --> 02:16:23,426
Because people are
like, are they in it?
3514
02:16:23,426 --> 02:16:24,126
No?
3515
02:16:24,126 --> 02:16:25,678
Fuck it.
3516
02:16:25,678 --> 02:16:27,680
Fuck it.
3517
02:16:27,680 --> 02:16:29,642
So, uh-- but, um.
3518
02:16:29,642 --> 02:16:31,854
No, I don't think I'd ever
do-- I'd ever done anything
3519
02:16:31,854 --> 02:16:33,456
differently looking back.
3520
02:16:33,456 --> 02:16:35,608
I really kind of like the
way the dominoes fell.
3521
02:16:35,608 --> 02:16:36,809
You know, and it
sucked that "Jersey
3522
02:16:36,809 --> 02:16:38,070
Girl" didn't do more business.
3523
02:16:38,070 --> 02:16:39,522
But like, whatever.
3524
02:16:39,522 --> 02:16:42,605
You know, it doesn't make
me go and want to go back
3525
02:16:42,605 --> 02:16:45,218
and catch the fucking
DeLorean and jump back in time
3526
02:16:45,218 --> 02:16:49,832
and nearly have
sex with my mother.
3527
02:16:49,832 --> 02:16:52,395
AUDIENCE: For the record, I took
my brother to see "Jersey Girl"
3528
02:16:52,395 --> 02:16:54,166
and he said it was your
"Annie Hall," which I think
3529
02:16:54,166 --> 02:16:55,378
is a really big compliment.
3530
02:16:55,378 --> 02:16:56,379
KEVIN SMITH: And he said what?
3531
02:16:56,379 --> 02:16:57,520
He said it was
your "Annie Hall."
3532
02:16:57,520 --> 02:16:58,471
My "Annie Hall."
3533
02:16:58,471 --> 02:17:00,413
I thought it was like,
it was your only hole.
3534
02:17:00,413 --> 02:17:02,705
[LAUGHTER]
3535
02:17:02,705 --> 02:17:05,978
Is that British slang
for like, good job?
3536
02:17:05,978 --> 02:17:07,750
It's your only hole, mate.
3537
02:17:07,750 --> 02:17:10,182
Your only fucking hole.
3538
02:17:10,182 --> 02:17:12,915
You fucking cunt.
3539
02:17:12,915 --> 02:17:13,616
"Annie Hall."
3540
02:17:13,616 --> 02:17:14,587
He called it my "Annie Hall?"
3541
02:17:14,587 --> 02:17:15,328
That's very sweet.
3542
02:17:15,328 --> 02:17:16,198
Tell him I said thank you.
3543
02:17:16,198 --> 02:17:17,790
I basically mumble
because some fat guy
3544
02:17:17,790 --> 02:17:19,282
told me that Wolverine was gay.
3545
02:17:19,282 --> 02:17:21,254
Right.
3546
02:17:21,254 --> 02:17:25,207
[LAUGHTER]
3547
02:17:28,170 --> 02:17:30,503
So you're gay?
3548
02:17:30,503 --> 02:17:31,203
Not really.
3549
02:17:31,203 --> 02:17:32,405
No?
3550
02:17:32,405 --> 02:17:34,787
A lot more options
when you're gay.
3551
02:17:34,787 --> 02:17:35,528
Shit's opened up.
3552
02:17:35,528 --> 02:17:43,296
I was at a comic book show
in, uh-- pun intended.
3553
02:17:43,296 --> 02:17:44,927
I was at a comic book show
in San Francisco about
3554
02:17:44,927 --> 02:17:46,128
two weeks ago, the WonderCon.
3555
02:17:46,128 --> 02:17:48,951
And at the same time,
across the street
3556
02:17:48,951 --> 02:17:50,913
they were having this
big bear convention.
3557
02:17:50,913 --> 02:17:52,695
You know about
the bear movement?
3558
02:17:52,695 --> 02:17:55,598
Like where big dudes that
look like me-- and if I may,
3559
02:17:55,598 --> 02:18:00,443
like you-- who are kind of,
you know, hairy and large
3560
02:18:00,443 --> 02:18:03,286
are referred to in the
gay community as bears.
3561
02:18:03,286 --> 02:18:05,738
And there apparently
are a bunch of dudes who
3562
02:18:05,738 --> 02:18:08,871
like dudes who look like us.
3563
02:18:08,871 --> 02:18:11,534
Those dudes are called cubs.
3564
02:18:11,534 --> 02:18:13,646
Or twinks.
3565
02:18:13,646 --> 02:18:14,477
But I like cubs.
3566
02:18:14,477 --> 02:18:15,798
That's cute.
3567
02:18:15,798 --> 02:18:18,331
So apparently, like these
dudes make out-- like my friend
3568
02:18:18,331 --> 02:18:19,201
Malcolm Ingram.
3569
02:18:19,201 --> 02:18:21,023
Big, big burly dude.
3570
02:18:21,023 --> 02:18:22,705
I don't know, you might
have seen him in stuff.
3571
02:18:22,705 --> 02:18:23,896
He directed "Drawing Flies."
3572
02:18:23,896 --> 02:18:26,519
And he's been around
some of our stuff.
3573
02:18:26,519 --> 02:18:27,219
Great guy.
3574
02:18:27,219 --> 02:18:30,383
Big Canadian idiot.
3575
02:18:30,383 --> 02:18:32,455
But one day he was just
like-- he called me up
3576
02:18:32,455 --> 02:18:35,408
and he-- you know, never
represented himself as being
3577
02:18:35,408 --> 02:18:37,099
anything but into chicks.
3578
02:18:37,099 --> 02:18:38,200
And then one day
he called me up.
3579
02:18:38,200 --> 02:18:39,231
He's like, yo, fuck.
3580
02:18:39,231 --> 02:18:41,033
Weirdest thing happened today.
3581
02:18:41,033 --> 02:18:42,224
I was like, what is it?
3582
02:18:42,224 --> 02:18:43,756
He's like I went
out with some dude.
3583
02:18:43,756 --> 02:18:44,457
We went to dinner.
3584
02:18:44,457 --> 02:18:47,289
And it turned out it
was a fucking date.
3585
02:18:47,289 --> 02:18:51,233
[LAUGHTER]
3586
02:18:51,233 --> 02:18:52,395
And I was like, what?
3587
02:18:52,395 --> 02:18:54,126
And he was just
like, I just thought
3588
02:18:54,126 --> 02:18:55,948
I was going out to dinner
with the fucking dude.
3589
02:18:55,948 --> 02:18:57,630
It was the fucking date load.
3590
02:18:57,630 --> 02:18:59,171
All of a sudden,
we were on a date.
3591
02:18:59,171 --> 02:19:02,915
He told me his was gay
and we were on a date, eh.
3592
02:19:02,915 --> 02:19:05,698
And I was like, well, did
you then accept the fact
3593
02:19:05,698 --> 02:19:06,769
that you were on a date, or--
3594
02:19:06,769 --> 02:19:12,264
He's like, well, you
know, he was paying.
3595
02:19:12,264 --> 02:19:14,407
So, um-- so that was Malcolm's.
3596
02:19:14,407 --> 02:19:16,439
Years later, I realized that
was Malcolm's very charming
3597
02:19:16,439 --> 02:19:19,071
way of saying, hey, I'm gay.
3598
02:19:19,071 --> 02:19:21,023
Without just saying,
hey, I'm gay.
3599
02:19:21,023 --> 02:19:24,797
He acted like he got fucking
hornswoggled into being gay,
3600
02:19:24,797 --> 02:19:25,498
you know?
3601
02:19:25,498 --> 02:19:27,870
Some dude bought me pizza
and all of a sudden, I'm gay.
3602
02:19:27,870 --> 02:19:29,662
Go figure.
3603
02:19:29,662 --> 02:19:31,213
Well, I guess that's
what I am, you know?
3604
02:19:34,106 --> 02:19:36,278
So-- so Malcolm told me.
3605
02:19:36,278 --> 02:19:37,760
Malcolm's like, dude, fucking.
3606
02:19:37,760 --> 02:19:41,744
If you like guys, you'd be
huge in the bear community.
3607
02:19:41,744 --> 02:19:43,536
Because you know, you
fucking make movies
3608
02:19:43,536 --> 02:19:46,729
and you're very sexy to cubs.
3609
02:19:46,729 --> 02:19:48,881
And I was like, what?
3610
02:19:48,881 --> 02:19:49,852
He was like, truly.
3611
02:19:49,852 --> 02:19:50,883
And he's like, you want to see?
3612
02:19:50,883 --> 02:19:52,274
Here's a picture
of my boyfriend.
3613
02:19:52,274 --> 02:19:54,326
And Malcolm whipped out a
picture of his boyfriend.
3614
02:19:54,326 --> 02:19:56,759
And this-- I would
fuck this dude.
3615
02:19:56,759 --> 02:19:59,442
Like, this dude's real like
Joe college cute and shit
3616
02:19:59,442 --> 02:20:00,142
like that.
3617
02:20:00,142 --> 02:20:02,094
Like, real good-looking dude.
3618
02:20:02,094 --> 02:20:03,796
And the fact that he
wants to fuck Malcolm
3619
02:20:03,796 --> 02:20:07,480
is like-- I want to get
the kid some therapy.
3620
02:20:07,480 --> 02:20:08,180
Some help.
3621
02:20:08,180 --> 02:20:09,722
Because I got no problem
with him being gay.
3622
02:20:09,722 --> 02:20:12,705
But like, being gay and
wanting to fuck Malcolm.
3623
02:20:12,705 --> 02:20:14,386
Like, you're like I'm
choosing a life where I'm
3624
02:20:14,386 --> 02:20:15,968
nothing but fucking
ridiculed and people
3625
02:20:15,968 --> 02:20:16,829
fucking getting on my ass.
3626
02:20:16,829 --> 02:20:18,360
And I can't fucking
do what other people--
3627
02:20:18,360 --> 02:20:19,952
the straights fucking
do without hearing
3628
02:20:19,952 --> 02:20:21,984
it from the fucking church.
3629
02:20:21,984 --> 02:20:24,096
And I'm going to fuck
the fat bearded guy, too.
3630
02:20:24,096 --> 02:20:25,167
You know?
3631
02:20:25,167 --> 02:20:27,239
Like just make it a little
bit harder on himself.
3632
02:20:27,239 --> 02:20:29,702
So Malcolm's like,
I'm telling you, man.
3633
02:20:29,702 --> 02:20:32,404
This straight thing
don't work out for you,
3634
02:20:32,404 --> 02:20:35,067
you can totally fucking
fuck a lot of guys.
3635
02:20:35,067 --> 02:20:37,129
And I was like, all right, man.
3636
02:20:37,129 --> 02:20:39,001
That's good to know.
3637
02:20:39,001 --> 02:20:40,102
Because it would
really just kind
3638
02:20:40,102 --> 02:20:41,313
of open up a world of options.
3639
02:20:41,313 --> 02:20:42,955
He's like, you go to
a fucking bear bar.
3640
02:20:42,955 --> 02:20:45,918
You'd be Marilyn Monroe.
3641
02:20:45,918 --> 02:20:48,511
And that's when I started
thinking about it.
3642
02:20:48,511 --> 02:20:51,363
Because I always kind of wanted
to be like Marilyn Monroe.
3643
02:20:51,363 --> 02:20:53,175
But it didn't pan out for me.
3644
02:20:53,175 --> 02:20:54,366
So I'm like,
essentially these dudes
3645
02:20:54,366 --> 02:20:55,458
are kind of chubby chasers?
3646
02:20:55,458 --> 02:20:56,328
He's like, yeah, you know.
3647
02:20:56,328 --> 02:21:00,232
You don't have to
be mean about it.
3648
02:21:00,232 --> 02:21:03,676
I was like, well, I married
a chubby chaser apparently.
3649
02:21:03,676 --> 02:21:07,550
He's like, well, but you
know, she don't have a dick.
3650
02:21:07,550 --> 02:21:10,913
And that's when we moved
onto another topic.
3651
02:21:10,913 --> 02:21:11,954
So yeah, bears, dude.
3652
02:21:11,954 --> 02:21:15,838
If you ever think about
fucking-- you'd make out.
3653
02:21:15,838 --> 02:21:16,779
Apparently.
3654
02:21:16,779 --> 02:21:18,761
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah.
3655
02:21:18,761 --> 02:21:19,532
You like chicks though?
3656
02:21:19,532 --> 02:21:20,232
Uh, yeah.
3657
02:21:20,232 --> 02:21:22,905
I haven't found one in
about 10 years, though.
3658
02:21:22,905 --> 02:21:25,778
Time to try the guys.
3659
02:21:25,778 --> 02:21:29,602
[APPLAUSE]
3660
02:21:33,445 --> 02:21:36,539
What was your question though?
3661
02:21:36,539 --> 02:21:39,231
I mean, basically the
whole "Donnie Darko"
3662
02:21:39,231 --> 02:21:41,654
thing was because
you're-- apparently
3663
02:21:41,654 --> 02:21:43,435
you're in "Southland Tales?"
3664
02:21:43,435 --> 02:21:45,407
KEVIN SMITH: I'm in Richard's
movie "Southland Tales."
3665
02:21:45,407 --> 02:21:46,128
He cast me in it.
3666
02:21:46,128 --> 02:21:47,129
I don't know if I'm in it yet.
3667
02:21:47,129 --> 02:21:47,910
We haven't shot yet.
3668
02:21:47,910 --> 02:21:49,271
But it's just kind
of the whole kind
3669
02:21:49,271 --> 02:21:52,164
of, um, second movie thing.
3670
02:21:52,164 --> 02:21:54,537
I mean, if-- if you
could go back in time,
3671
02:21:54,537 --> 02:21:57,520
would you do "Mallrats" with
Miramax rather than Universal?
3672
02:21:57,520 --> 02:21:58,220
Yeah.
3673
02:21:58,220 --> 02:22:01,353
Basically, if I could--
if I could go back in time
3674
02:22:01,353 --> 02:22:06,118
and narrowly avoid sleeping with
my mother, like Marty McFly,
3675
02:22:06,118 --> 02:22:08,611
um, I, uh-- I wouldn't
have made the movie.
3676
02:22:08,611 --> 02:22:10,182
I wouldn't have made
"Mallrats" with Universal.
3677
02:22:10,182 --> 02:22:12,284
I would have waited another year
and then made it at Dimension.
3678
02:22:12,284 --> 02:22:14,246
Because at that point,
Dimension existed
3679
02:22:14,246 --> 02:22:16,769
as this kind of genre
offshoot of Miramax,
3680
02:22:16,769 --> 02:22:17,640
but they didn't do comedy.
3681
02:22:17,640 --> 02:22:19,762
They only did shit
like "The Crow."
3682
02:22:19,762 --> 02:22:23,245
So a year later, they started
doing genre comedy as well.
3683
02:22:23,245 --> 02:22:25,527
So we could totally fit
right in there, which
3684
02:22:25,527 --> 02:22:27,039
is where we eventually
wound up doing "Jay
3685
02:22:27,039 --> 02:22:29,602
and Silent Bob Strike Back."
3686
02:22:29,602 --> 02:22:30,492
So that was about it.
3687
02:22:30,492 --> 02:22:31,694
I mean, that would
be the only thing
3688
02:22:31,694 --> 02:22:32,805
I would kind of about changing.
3689
02:22:32,805 --> 02:22:36,258
But you know, I don't really
have any regrets regarding
3690
02:22:36,258 --> 02:22:38,210
doing "Mallrats" at Universal.
3691
02:22:38,210 --> 02:22:39,862
I mean, I did on
opening weekend when
3692
02:22:39,862 --> 02:22:41,594
the movie did like no business.
3693
02:22:41,594 --> 02:22:43,185
But then the movie
found its audience.
3694
02:22:43,185 --> 02:22:46,859
It was kind of this
wonderful organic discovery
3695
02:22:46,859 --> 02:22:48,851
of its audience and the
audience discovered it.
3696
02:22:48,851 --> 02:22:50,633
And suddenly it felt
like, oh, that's the way
3697
02:22:50,633 --> 02:22:52,014
it was supposed to happen.
3698
02:22:52,014 --> 02:22:53,596
You know, I just wish
somebody had told me
3699
02:22:53,596 --> 02:22:56,528
when I had the fucking
shotgun in my mouth
3700
02:22:56,528 --> 02:22:58,831
the day after the movie
opened, where I was just like,
3701
02:22:58,831 --> 02:23:01,553
oh, it's over.
3702
02:23:01,553 --> 02:23:03,435
But I didn't have any bullets.
3703
02:23:03,435 --> 02:23:06,358
Um, so-- so I don't think I
would have-- I don't think
3704
02:23:06,358 --> 02:23:07,690
I would have changed that.
3705
02:23:07,690 --> 02:23:09,431
"Southland Tales" is a movie
Richard Kelly is doing.
3706
02:23:09,431 --> 02:23:10,973
For those of you who
don't know Richard Kelly,
3707
02:23:10,973 --> 02:23:13,515
he's the guy who
directed "Donnie Darko."
3708
02:23:13,515 --> 02:23:15,708
And he was like, hey, you
want to be in this flick?
3709
02:23:15,708 --> 02:23:16,989
And I was like, uh, right on.
3710
02:23:16,989 --> 02:23:18,560
Because you know, he
asked me to be in a movie.
3711
02:23:18,560 --> 02:23:19,521
I'm like, OK.
3712
02:23:19,521 --> 02:23:21,784
Because I'm kind of a
whore for that thing.
3713
02:23:21,784 --> 02:23:22,484
That kind of shit.
3714
02:23:22,484 --> 02:23:23,966
So, um, I said, what do I do?
3715
02:23:23,966 --> 02:23:26,138
And he was just
like, you're a guy
3716
02:23:26,138 --> 02:23:28,530
who-- you're kind of like a
Harry Knowles kind of guy.
3717
02:23:28,530 --> 02:23:30,743
You run an internet, uh, site.
3718
02:23:30,743 --> 02:23:31,543
It's not really a movie.
3719
02:23:31,543 --> 02:23:32,725
It's called "Southland Tales."
3720
02:23:32,725 --> 02:23:38,120
You traffic in Southland
section of Los Angeles-- gossip.
3721
02:23:38,120 --> 02:23:38,991
Kind of like a drudge.
3722
02:23:38,991 --> 02:23:40,402
And I was like right on.
3723
02:23:40,402 --> 02:23:41,323
So you know, I read it.
3724
02:23:41,323 --> 02:23:42,024
Brilliant script.
3725
02:23:42,024 --> 02:23:43,786
I was like, oh, I'm totally in.
3726
02:23:43,786 --> 02:23:45,387
A month ago, he
wrote me an email.
3727
02:23:45,387 --> 02:23:48,110
He's going, um, I'm doing a
redraft of your character.
3728
02:23:48,110 --> 02:23:50,322
And you're still
the guy who you are,
3729
02:23:50,322 --> 02:23:54,907
but now you're an Iraqi War
vet and you have no legs.
3730
02:23:54,907 --> 02:23:58,801
[LAUGHTER]
3731
02:23:59,772 --> 02:24:02,204
So I was like, like
Lieutenant Dan?
3732
02:24:06,608 --> 02:24:07,770
He said, kind of like that.
3733
02:24:07,770 --> 02:24:09,051
He's going also,
I was wondering--
3734
02:24:09,051 --> 02:24:10,693
and I hope you don't
take this too personally.
3735
02:24:10,693 --> 02:24:12,935
But I was wondering
if-- do you think you
3736
02:24:12,935 --> 02:24:15,848
could lose 50 pounds to do it?
3737
02:24:15,848 --> 02:24:19,541
And I was like, if you chop off
my legs, I will lose 50 pounds.
3738
02:24:19,541 --> 02:24:21,443
I said, other than
that, unless you
3739
02:24:21,443 --> 02:24:23,405
got like, you know,
gastric bypass
3740
02:24:23,405 --> 02:24:27,219
in your budget, that's really
not going to happen, Richard.
3741
02:24:27,219 --> 02:24:28,390
He's like, right.
3742
02:24:28,390 --> 02:24:29,091
Right.
3743
02:24:29,091 --> 02:24:30,502
What about shaving your head?
3744
02:24:30,502 --> 02:24:32,765
And I was like, no.
3745
02:24:32,765 --> 02:24:34,086
shit's going thin already.
3746
02:24:34,086 --> 02:24:36,318
Like, I'm not going to
speed the plow on that one.
3747
02:24:36,318 --> 02:24:37,049
Fuck it.
3748
02:24:37,049 --> 02:24:38,080
He's like, all right.
3749
02:24:38,080 --> 02:24:39,712
But you will pretend
that you have no legs?
3750
02:24:39,712 --> 02:24:42,174
I was like, yeah, that's easy.
3751
02:24:42,174 --> 02:24:43,095
He's like, right on.
3752
02:24:43,095 --> 02:24:44,707
Click.
3753
02:24:44,707 --> 02:24:46,008
Because he's just-- you know.
3754
02:24:46,008 --> 02:24:48,090
He's the most normal guy
you'll sit there and talk to.
3755
02:24:48,090 --> 02:24:49,331
He's a dude from
Virginia and shit.
3756
02:24:49,331 --> 02:24:51,583
Real straight-laced, good guy.
3757
02:24:51,583 --> 02:24:52,514
Talk movies and shit.
3758
02:24:52,514 --> 02:24:53,716
But like then you
see "Donnie Darko"
3759
02:24:53,716 --> 02:24:56,208
and you're like--
credits roll and you're
3760
02:24:56,208 --> 02:24:58,350
like, what the fuck happened?
3761
02:24:58,350 --> 02:24:59,551
What happened in that movie?
3762
02:24:59,551 --> 02:25:00,592
And I ask him.
3763
02:25:00,592 --> 02:25:03,035
And he still can't
fucking explain it.
3764
02:25:03,035 --> 02:25:05,017
"Southland Tales"
you can understand.
3765
02:25:05,017 --> 02:25:06,258
Kind of like it makes sense.
3766
02:25:06,258 --> 02:25:09,952
But "Donnie Darko," still to
this day is fucking mystifying.
3767
02:25:09,952 --> 02:25:12,755
But-- and I don't even think he
knows what the fuck it means.
3768
02:25:12,755 --> 02:25:15,607
I think he just shot a bunch
of shit, threw it in the air,
3769
02:25:15,607 --> 02:25:19,491
taped it back together
and said, here it is.
3770
02:25:19,491 --> 02:25:20,712
And people are like,
it's brilliant.
3771
02:25:20,712 --> 02:25:21,413
Especially here.
3772
02:25:21,413 --> 02:25:22,755
They fucking loved it here.
3773
02:25:22,755 --> 02:25:25,347
You guys ate it up like
fucking candy over here.
3774
02:25:25,347 --> 02:25:27,219
In the States people
are like, pfft.
3775
02:25:27,219 --> 02:25:30,702
But here, they were like Darko.
3776
02:25:30,702 --> 02:25:31,723
Darko's our religion.
3777
02:25:31,723 --> 02:25:32,945
You know?
3778
02:25:32,945 --> 02:25:34,807
Richard was very, very
happy with the reception
3779
02:25:34,807 --> 02:25:35,607
of the movie here.
3780
02:25:35,607 --> 02:25:36,999
I told him I was
coming over here
3781
02:25:36,999 --> 02:25:40,212
and he was like, they
love my movie there, dude.
3782
02:25:40,212 --> 02:25:42,664
I was like, I'll be
sure to drop your name.
3783
02:25:42,664 --> 02:25:44,446
He was like, but don't tell
them the role I want you
3784
02:25:44,446 --> 02:25:46,789
to play in "Southland Tales."
3785
02:25:46,789 --> 02:25:50,682
I said, I won't.
3786
02:25:50,682 --> 02:25:51,493
We good?
3787
02:25:51,493 --> 02:25:52,304
Thanks very much.
3788
02:25:52,304 --> 02:25:54,546
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you, sir.
3789
02:25:54,546 --> 02:25:55,247
Yes.
3790
02:25:55,247 --> 02:25:56,979
AUDIENCE: In "Jersey Girl,"
one of the funniest bits
3791
02:25:56,979 --> 02:25:59,321
I found was, um, the who
Will Smith storyline.
3792
02:25:59,321 --> 02:26:00,022
Yes.
3793
02:26:00,022 --> 02:26:01,723
AUDIENCE: I just wondered
how you managed to, um,
3794
02:26:01,723 --> 02:26:02,484
get him in the film.
3795
02:26:02,484 --> 02:26:04,396
Did you have to have
a special contract
3796
02:26:04,396 --> 02:26:07,089
where he was, um,
contractually obligated
3797
02:26:07,089 --> 02:26:10,012
not to do any of his raps?
3798
02:26:10,012 --> 02:26:14,306
[LAUGHTER]
3799
02:26:15,007 --> 02:26:18,500
[APPLAUSE]
3800
02:26:20,502 --> 02:26:23,255
That's one very long question
that just builds up to you
3801
02:26:23,255 --> 02:26:25,777
fucking slamming Will Smith.
3802
02:26:25,777 --> 02:26:27,479
You don't even want
to know anything.
3803
02:26:27,479 --> 02:26:30,332
You're just like, I'm
going to ask a question
3804
02:26:30,332 --> 02:26:33,565
and totally make
fun of Will Smith.
3805
02:26:33,565 --> 02:26:36,318
The floor is mine.
3806
02:26:36,318 --> 02:26:39,381
AUDIENCE: I think he's great,
but the raps a bit dodgy.
3807
02:26:39,381 --> 02:26:40,692
They're dodgy, are they?
3808
02:26:40,692 --> 02:26:43,936
You don't go for like
get jiggy with it?
3809
02:26:43,936 --> 02:26:45,067
That's a shame.
3810
02:26:45,067 --> 02:26:47,089
I'll let him know.
3811
02:26:47,089 --> 02:26:49,291
You are a white girl, though.
3812
02:26:49,291 --> 02:26:50,762
I don't know if he
really writes for you.
3813
02:26:54,176 --> 02:26:56,518
Um, how did we get him?
3814
02:26:56,518 --> 02:26:58,770
It was basically-- there
was a contract involved.
3815
02:26:58,770 --> 02:27:00,933
And it was a contract he
had to sign that said,
3816
02:27:00,933 --> 02:27:04,046
uh, this would be the
lowest grossing movie he's
3817
02:27:04,046 --> 02:27:06,598
ever been in.
3818
02:27:06,598 --> 02:27:08,330
Because that movie--
like he opens in movies
3819
02:27:08,330 --> 02:27:09,651
and just fucking boom, boom.
3820
02:27:09,651 --> 02:27:10,843
They fucking explode and shit.
3821
02:27:10,843 --> 02:27:12,014
I think we were
probably the lowest
3822
02:27:12,014 --> 02:27:14,386
grossing move that dude's
done in 10 years and shit.
3823
02:27:14,386 --> 02:27:16,288
I'm sure he looks
at his track record.
3824
02:27:16,288 --> 02:27:17,799
He's like $100
million, $100 million.
3825
02:27:17,799 --> 02:27:20,112
What the fuck's that?
3826
02:27:20,112 --> 02:27:22,274
It goes off the chart.
3827
02:27:22,274 --> 02:27:24,136
That's "Jersey Girl."
3828
02:27:24,136 --> 02:27:26,508
Oh.
3829
02:27:26,508 --> 02:27:28,400
Fucking fat guy.
3830
02:27:28,400 --> 02:27:30,632
He ruined my edge.
3831
02:27:30,632 --> 02:27:31,343
Um, how did we do it?
3832
02:27:31,343 --> 02:27:33,215
We got him through
Ben and Jen, really.
3833
02:27:33,215 --> 02:27:35,357
Because I sent him
the scene and shit.
3834
02:27:35,357 --> 02:27:36,298
And sent him a letter.
3835
02:27:36,298 --> 02:27:38,470
Originally it was
written for Bruce Willis
3836
02:27:38,470 --> 02:27:40,352
because it was set in '86.
3837
02:27:40,352 --> 02:27:42,434
And it was around
that period where
3838
02:27:42,434 --> 02:27:45,037
Bruce Willis thought he was
a singer for a little while.
3839
02:27:45,037 --> 02:27:47,439
I don't know if you all
remember that, when he was Bruno
3840
02:27:47,439 --> 02:27:50,652
and he released
an album as Bruno?
3841
02:27:50,652 --> 02:27:52,024
And you pick up the album.
3842
02:27:52,024 --> 02:27:54,596
You're like, that looks
like Bruce Willis.
3843
02:27:54,596 --> 02:27:57,890
And people will be
like, sh, it is.
3844
02:27:57,890 --> 02:27:58,590
He did.
3845
02:27:58,590 --> 02:28:00,652
He released two albums as
fucking Bruno and shit.
3846
02:28:00,652 --> 02:28:03,936
As if we wouldn't notice
that it was Bruce Willis.
3847
02:28:03,936 --> 02:28:05,647
And he'd go on stage and
people would be like,
3848
02:28:05,647 --> 02:28:07,189
you got to call him Bruno.
3849
02:28:07,189 --> 02:28:09,651
I thought that was so funny.
3850
02:28:09,651 --> 02:28:10,983
So I wrote about that.
3851
02:28:10,983 --> 02:28:13,515
Like basically, he
ran into-- basically,
3852
02:28:13,515 --> 02:28:15,347
the thing that
Ollie got fired for
3853
02:28:15,347 --> 02:28:18,470
was for essentially being--
it's fucking Bruce Willis.
3854
02:28:18,470 --> 02:28:19,591
It's not Bruno.
3855
02:28:19,591 --> 02:28:22,324
And then later on, he met him
years later and shit like that.
3856
02:28:22,324 --> 02:28:27,489
And we sent it to Bruce Willis
and Bruno just to be safe.
3857
02:28:27,489 --> 02:28:28,660
And never heard back from him.
3858
02:28:28,660 --> 02:28:30,662
You know, Ben was just like,
I'll fucking handle this, dude.
3859
02:28:30,662 --> 02:28:34,796
We were in the fucking
space rock movie together.
3860
02:28:34,796 --> 02:28:38,170
Running from the
space rock and shit.
3861
02:28:38,170 --> 02:28:39,591
He'll fucking answer me back.
3862
02:28:39,591 --> 02:28:41,783
Because I was like,
Harry, I love you.
3863
02:28:46,658 --> 02:28:49,131
And Harry didn't answer
him back and shit.
3864
02:28:49,131 --> 02:28:51,073
Harry's like, I
don't love your back.
3865
02:28:51,073 --> 02:28:51,883
You know?
3866
02:28:51,883 --> 02:28:53,025
So we never got a response.
3867
02:28:53,025 --> 02:28:53,936
So I rewrote it.
3868
02:28:53,936 --> 02:28:54,806
I was thinking, all right.
3869
02:28:54,806 --> 02:28:56,418
Well, that leaves us out of '86.
3870
02:28:56,418 --> 02:28:57,980
We can update it.
3871
02:28:57,980 --> 02:29:00,452
Who is-- if I count
back Gertie's age,
3872
02:29:00,452 --> 02:29:03,005
who would be the pop culture
figure who was like big
3873
02:29:03,005 --> 02:29:04,246
now who wasn't that big then?
3874
02:29:04,246 --> 02:29:05,117
And I was like, oh, shit.
3875
02:29:05,117 --> 02:29:06,048
Will Smith.
3876
02:29:06,048 --> 02:29:07,229
So I wrote it for Will Smith.
3877
02:29:07,229 --> 02:29:08,880
And then we got it to Will
Smith and he was like,
3878
02:29:08,880 --> 02:29:11,343
you know, I'd kind
of-- it's funny
3879
02:29:11,343 --> 02:29:12,404
and I'd kind of like to do it.
3880
02:29:12,404 --> 02:29:14,106
But I think if I
play myself, people
3881
02:29:14,106 --> 02:29:15,187
might think I'm arrogant.
3882
02:29:15,187 --> 02:29:17,059
Because he's such a sweet guy.
3883
02:29:17,059 --> 02:29:19,261
And so like unassuming
and one of the best
3884
02:29:19,261 --> 02:29:20,292
people in the fucking business.
3885
02:29:20,292 --> 02:29:22,484
Real sweetheart
of a fucking dude.
3886
02:29:22,484 --> 02:29:24,766
So, um, I was like, you
got to talk to him, dude.
3887
02:29:24,766 --> 02:29:25,467
You know, to Ben.
3888
02:29:25,467 --> 02:29:28,090
I was like talk to him, talk
that famous person talk to him
3889
02:29:28,090 --> 02:29:29,021
and shit.
3890
02:29:29,021 --> 02:29:30,882
Start talking like
in the millions.
3891
02:29:30,882 --> 02:29:33,595
And, uh, whatever you
guys make and shit.
3892
02:29:33,595 --> 02:29:36,508
Bentleys, Hummers, throw
those words around.
3893
02:29:36,508 --> 02:29:38,750
You know, and maybe--
maybe he'll say yeah.
3894
02:29:38,750 --> 02:29:40,802
So, um, Ben talked
to him and shit.
3895
02:29:40,802 --> 02:29:42,134
And Ben was just
like, look, man.
3896
02:29:42,134 --> 02:29:43,055
Like, don't worry.
3897
02:29:43,055 --> 02:29:44,846
Like he's easy to
work with and shit.
3898
02:29:44,846 --> 02:29:46,278
And you'll come off great.
3899
02:29:46,278 --> 02:29:48,470
And trust me, like
you playing yourself,
3900
02:29:48,470 --> 02:29:49,921
you come off way
better than when
3901
02:29:49,921 --> 02:29:52,344
I played myself in this
motherfucker's last movie.
3902
02:29:52,344 --> 02:29:54,176
So-- so do it.
3903
02:29:54,176 --> 02:29:57,099
So basically, those-- Ben, and
then also Jen talked to him
3904
02:29:57,099 --> 02:29:58,630
because they were going
to do a movie together
3905
02:29:58,630 --> 02:30:01,693
at one point, will and
Jen, this remake of "A Star
3906
02:30:01,693 --> 02:30:02,864
is Born," or something.
3907
02:30:02,864 --> 02:30:04,046
So she knew him through that.
3908
02:30:04,046 --> 02:30:07,219
So they both, basically,
asked him and spoke to him
3909
02:30:07,219 --> 02:30:08,190
and made him feel at ease.
3910
02:30:08,190 --> 02:30:09,101
And he was like,
yeah, all right.
3911
02:30:09,101 --> 02:30:09,901
I'll do it.
Showed up.
3912
02:30:09,901 --> 02:30:11,913
Greatest, fucking,
sweetest dude in the world.
3913
02:30:11,913 --> 02:30:14,036
Just no entourage and shit.
3914
02:30:14,036 --> 02:30:14,826
Nice dude.
3915
02:30:14,826 --> 02:30:17,059
And then it was weird,
like rehearsing with him.
3916
02:30:17,059 --> 02:30:18,630
Because you're like,
well-- he'd do the lines.
3917
02:30:18,630 --> 02:30:20,082
I'm like, you wouldn't
say it like that.
3918
02:30:20,082 --> 02:30:23,245
He's like, well,
the hell I wouldn't.
3919
02:30:23,245 --> 02:30:24,326
It's me, ain't it?
3920
02:30:24,326 --> 02:30:25,027
You know?
3921
02:30:25,027 --> 02:30:25,797
You're like, oh, right.
3922
02:30:25,797 --> 02:30:26,868
You're right.
3923
02:30:26,868 --> 02:30:30,272
Get jiggy with it, you know?
3924
02:30:30,272 --> 02:30:34,036
What's the-- big chav
community out here?
3925
02:30:34,036 --> 02:30:34,776
Not in this room?
3926
02:30:34,776 --> 02:30:36,518
Anyone-- is anyone really?
3927
02:30:36,518 --> 02:30:39,311
What is vindicative,
representative of a chav here?
3928
02:30:39,311 --> 02:30:41,253
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
3929
02:30:41,253 --> 02:30:41,983
Burberry?
3930
02:30:41,983 --> 02:30:42,714
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
3931
02:30:42,714 --> 02:30:43,415
Burberry?
3932
02:30:43,415 --> 02:30:46,098
Is that a town or the scarf?
3933
02:30:46,098 --> 02:30:47,219
It's a scarf?
3934
02:30:47,219 --> 02:30:49,221
So if you wear a Burberry
scarf, you're a chav?
3935
02:30:49,221 --> 02:30:50,452
AUDIENCE: Trousers
tucked into socks.
3936
02:30:50,452 --> 02:30:53,014
So my wife is a chav?
3937
02:30:53,014 --> 02:30:55,707
Trousers tucked into socks?
3938
02:30:55,707 --> 02:30:58,009
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
3939
02:30:58,009 --> 02:31:00,332
A chav will take your wallet?
3940
02:31:00,332 --> 02:31:02,074
Good to know.
3941
02:31:02,074 --> 02:31:03,795
I know a few chavs.
3942
02:31:03,795 --> 02:31:06,388
I brought one with me.
3943
02:31:06,388 --> 02:31:09,851
Are you back there, Chav?
3944
02:31:09,851 --> 02:31:13,315
[LAUGHTER]
3945
02:31:14,806 --> 02:31:18,980
This shit's always
pretty well-planned.
3946
02:31:18,980 --> 02:31:21,153
Is there a chav buried
back there anyway?
3947
02:31:21,153 --> 02:31:21,843
Is there one?
3948
02:31:21,843 --> 02:31:23,835
Ladies and gentlemen,
my chav Jason Mewes.
3949
02:31:23,835 --> 02:31:27,319
[APPLAUSE]
3950
02:31:38,760 --> 02:31:40,752
What's a chav again?
3951
02:31:53,185 --> 02:31:55,757
Um, why don't you field
some questions, sir?
3952
02:31:55,757 --> 02:31:56,458
I'm here.
3953
02:31:56,458 --> 02:31:57,409
I'm ready.
3954
02:31:57,409 --> 02:31:58,630
I have a story to tell, though.
3955
02:31:58,630 --> 02:31:59,331
Yeah?
3956
02:31:59,331 --> 02:32:00,342
About your toilets.
3957
02:32:00,342 --> 02:32:01,203
Yes.
3958
02:32:01,203 --> 02:32:03,775
I think I'm going to
bring the-- the toilet
3959
02:32:03,775 --> 02:32:04,526
seats over here.
3960
02:32:04,526 --> 02:32:08,300
Because it's really deep and
there's hardly any water in it.
3961
02:32:08,300 --> 02:32:10,902
So I feel bad for the women
who have to clean the shit
3962
02:32:10,902 --> 02:32:13,655
that, like slides on the side.
3963
02:32:13,655 --> 02:32:16,218
But I was-- I was shitting
before I came out here.
3964
02:32:16,218 --> 02:32:17,539
I know you wanted to know that.
3965
02:32:17,539 --> 02:32:20,422
But I went to give
myself a courtesy flush
3966
02:32:20,422 --> 02:32:22,033
and the water comes
from the front
3967
02:32:22,033 --> 02:32:24,786
and it fucking splashed
all over my balls.
3968
02:32:27,689 --> 02:32:28,840
I had to tell that story.
3969
02:32:28,840 --> 02:32:31,513
I was thinking-- so I think
I'm going to bring it home
3970
02:32:31,513 --> 02:32:33,255
and I'm going to put
it next to my bidet.
3971
02:32:33,255 --> 02:32:35,457
And I'm going to be able to
clean my ass and my balls
3972
02:32:35,457 --> 02:32:37,689
before I get my dick sucked.
3973
02:32:37,689 --> 02:32:39,641
Right?
3974
02:32:39,641 --> 02:32:40,902
It's an amazing thing.
3975
02:32:40,902 --> 02:32:44,816
But anyway, I thought
it was pretty amazing.
3976
02:32:44,816 --> 02:32:48,109
My balls are clean now, so if
anyone wants to suck my dick.
3977
02:32:51,162 --> 02:32:52,644
Ladies, that's an
open invitation.
3978
02:32:52,644 --> 02:32:53,345
No?
3979
02:32:53,345 --> 02:32:53,805
No takers?
3980
02:32:53,805 --> 02:32:54,506
Or fellas.
3981
02:32:54,506 --> 02:32:57,739
And it will never get
more appealing than that.
3982
02:32:57,739 --> 02:33:02,534
A dude whose balls have
been washed by toilet water.
3983
02:33:02,534 --> 02:33:03,805
It's gross, though.
3984
02:33:03,805 --> 02:33:06,418
Like the woman have
to clean that shit.
3985
02:33:06,418 --> 02:33:08,270
When the water
rushed at your balls,
3986
02:33:08,270 --> 02:33:10,402
did it mix with the shit water?
3987
02:33:10,402 --> 02:33:11,633
No, because it
shoots out the front.
3988
02:33:11,633 --> 02:33:13,375
KEVIN SMITH: Shit water's
going down and the water--
3989
02:33:13,375 --> 02:33:14,246
It shoots out the front.
3990
02:33:14,246 --> 02:33:16,558
And it's so deep that the
shit's way down anyway.
3991
02:33:16,558 --> 02:33:19,201
But it's like-- there's
no water for the shit
3992
02:33:19,201 --> 02:33:20,562
to float-- like go in.
3993
02:33:20,562 --> 02:33:23,255
So it just slides down
the side of the fucking--
3994
02:33:23,255 --> 02:33:26,087
it's pretty gross, so
you just have to deal
3995
02:33:26,087 --> 02:33:27,939
with it all the time, I guess.
3996
02:33:27,939 --> 02:33:30,472
We were, uh, on our
way here today and the--
3997
02:33:30,472 --> 02:33:31,273
JASON MEWES: Oh no, sir.
3998
02:33:31,273 --> 02:33:32,424
Yes, sir. the cutest
thing happened.
3999
02:33:32,424 --> 02:33:34,296
We get off-- you know, when
you travel internationally
4000
02:33:34,296 --> 02:33:36,518
and shit, you got
to fill out a card.
4001
02:33:36,518 --> 02:33:39,841
And disembarkation card,
disembarkment card.
4002
02:33:39,841 --> 02:33:42,173
The fucking card you got
to fill out anytime you
4003
02:33:42,173 --> 02:33:44,296
go someplace, like
a different country.
4004
02:33:44,296 --> 02:33:46,928
And, um, you know,
they ask for your name.
4005
02:33:46,928 --> 02:33:48,510
They ask for your
passport number.
4006
02:33:48,510 --> 02:33:52,244
And then ask for
your nationality.
4007
02:33:52,244 --> 02:33:53,975
And you know, we're American.
4008
02:33:53,975 --> 02:33:56,298
So I wrote American.
4009
02:33:56,298 --> 02:33:59,150
And then I looked
at Jason's card.
4010
02:33:59,150 --> 02:34:03,585
And under nationality,
he wrote Polish.
4011
02:34:03,585 --> 02:34:06,548
[LAUGHTER]
4012
02:34:10,492 --> 02:34:12,043
I learned something new today.
4013
02:34:12,043 --> 02:34:13,755
You did.
4014
02:34:13,755 --> 02:34:14,716
I was like, dude.
4015
02:34:14,716 --> 02:34:15,417
What?
4016
02:34:15,417 --> 02:34:19,591
He's like, well, you know
I got some Polish in me.
4017
02:34:19,591 --> 02:34:21,022
I was like, that's not
what they're asking.
4018
02:34:21,022 --> 02:34:24,506
They're-- they're asking the
country of your birth, sir.
4019
02:34:24,506 --> 02:34:26,067
I really didn't know.
4020
02:34:26,067 --> 02:34:26,888
Wow.
4021
02:34:26,888 --> 02:34:28,089
I think they thought
it was a joke.
4022
02:34:28,089 --> 02:34:29,190
Like, I wrote it as a joke.
4023
02:34:29,190 --> 02:34:31,443
But no, I didn't.
4024
02:34:31,443 --> 02:34:32,974
We thought the dude
was going to be like,
4025
02:34:32,974 --> 02:34:34,135
so you're from Poland then?
4026
02:34:36,878 --> 02:34:39,421
No.
4027
02:34:39,421 --> 02:34:43,064
Well, that's funny because it
says here that you're Polish.
4028
02:34:43,064 --> 02:34:44,786
Which isn't really
a nationality.
4029
02:34:44,786 --> 02:34:46,288
The guy just let
me through, too,
4030
02:34:46,288 --> 02:34:47,319
because I was laughing so hard.
4031
02:34:47,319 --> 02:34:49,441
He's just like, go.
4032
02:34:49,441 --> 02:34:50,932
We were-- we were
in line laughing.
4033
02:34:50,932 --> 02:34:53,254
And the dude was
like, what's so funny?
4034
02:34:53,254 --> 02:34:55,507
I was like, my friend's
a fucking idiot.
4035
02:34:55,507 --> 02:34:57,008
[LAUGHTER]
4036
02:34:57,008 --> 02:35:00,502
Welcome to the UK.
4037
02:35:00,502 --> 02:35:04,496
[APPLAUSE]
4038
02:35:07,509 --> 02:35:09,280
Yes, sir.
4039
02:35:09,280 --> 02:35:12,013
If you could be
half-man, half-sausage,
4040
02:35:12,013 --> 02:35:13,795
which way around
would you have it?
4041
02:35:13,795 --> 02:35:14,776
And why?
4042
02:35:17,719 --> 02:35:20,662
[APPLAUSE]
4043
02:35:25,587 --> 02:35:26,698
One more time.
4044
02:35:26,698 --> 02:35:30,001
If I could be half-man
and half-sausage--
4045
02:35:30,001 --> 02:35:31,353
Which way around
which you have it?
4046
02:35:31,353 --> 02:35:32,053
And why?
4047
02:35:32,053 --> 02:35:34,566
Wait, that's the part that--
4048
02:35:34,566 --> 02:35:35,266
All right.
4049
02:35:35,266 --> 02:35:37,739
So you could have like top-half
man, bottom-half sausage.
4050
02:35:37,739 --> 02:35:38,440
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, OK.
4051
02:35:38,440 --> 02:35:39,741
So which end would
I rather be the man?
4052
02:35:39,741 --> 02:35:41,232
Or top-half sausage,
bottom-half man
4053
02:35:41,232 --> 02:35:42,283
so you can run around.
4054
02:35:42,283 --> 02:35:43,495
Classic.
4055
02:35:43,495 --> 02:35:44,295
KEVIN SMITH: Which side?
4056
02:35:44,295 --> 02:35:46,067
Which side do I want
to be the sausage side?
4057
02:35:46,067 --> 02:35:47,198
AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah.
4058
02:35:47,198 --> 02:35:51,573
That is hands down the best
question I've ever been asked.
4059
02:35:51,573 --> 02:35:54,496
[APPLAUSE]
4060
02:35:58,870 --> 02:36:01,953
Uh, I would choose bottom-half
sausage because then I would
4061
02:36:01,953 --> 02:36:05,316
finally have a massive dick.
4062
02:36:05,316 --> 02:36:09,411
Top-half, not real good.
4063
02:36:09,411 --> 02:36:10,632
That's brilliant.
4064
02:36:10,632 --> 02:36:12,013
It's a good enough answer?
4065
02:36:12,013 --> 02:36:14,065
Not nearly as brilliant
as the question, though.
4066
02:36:18,199 --> 02:36:21,142
I've seen you cameo on
shows and movies and stuff.
4067
02:36:21,142 --> 02:36:25,417
Do you just-- people call you
up that admire your work and ask
4068
02:36:25,417 --> 02:36:26,257
you to be on these shows?
4069
02:36:26,257 --> 02:36:27,449
Or do you have, like an agent?
4070
02:36:27,449 --> 02:36:30,071
Do you actively
try and get work?
4071
02:36:30,071 --> 02:36:34,005
The only-- uh, there were two
shows that I actually pursued.
4072
02:36:34,005 --> 02:36:36,027
It wasn't hard-- it
was hardly a pursuit.
4073
02:36:36,027 --> 02:36:37,599
It was me going, can I do this?
4074
02:36:37,599 --> 02:36:39,200
And somebody was
like, yeah, I guess.
4075
02:36:39,200 --> 02:36:40,071
And one was "Law & Order."
4076
02:36:40,071 --> 02:36:41,723
I was a huge "Law
& Order" whore.
4077
02:36:41,723 --> 02:36:42,744
And I called up my agent.
4078
02:36:42,744 --> 02:36:45,246
I was like, you never
do anything for me.
4079
02:36:45,246 --> 02:36:48,460
And he was like, excellent
way to start a conversation.
4080
02:36:48,460 --> 02:36:49,531
I could tell you want something.
4081
02:36:49,531 --> 02:36:50,432
I said yes, I do.
4082
02:36:50,432 --> 02:36:52,784
I would love to be
on "Law & Order."
4083
02:36:52,784 --> 02:36:55,276
He's going, what do you want to
play, like the fucking suspect?
4084
02:36:55,276 --> 02:36:56,988
Do you want to be a lawyer?
4085
02:36:56,988 --> 02:36:58,229
One of the defense attorneys?
4086
02:36:58,229 --> 02:36:58,930
I said, no.
4087
02:36:58,930 --> 02:37:00,532
I just want to be the
guy that leads them
4088
02:37:00,532 --> 02:37:02,964
to the guy that leads
them to the guy who
4089
02:37:02,964 --> 02:37:04,936
leads them to the suspect.
4090
02:37:04,936 --> 02:37:06,528
He's like, let me
see what I can do.
4091
02:37:06,528 --> 02:37:08,019
He called back 10 minutes later.
4092
02:37:08,019 --> 02:37:09,270
He's like, go to
New York next week.
4093
02:37:09,270 --> 02:37:09,971
You're in.
4094
02:37:09,971 --> 02:37:11,082
I was like, woo.
4095
02:37:11,082 --> 02:37:12,474
And I went.
4096
02:37:12,474 --> 02:37:13,885
And I wound up being
the guy who led
4097
02:37:13,885 --> 02:37:16,017
him to a guy who led him to a
guy who led him to a suspect.
4098
02:37:16,017 --> 02:37:17,979
You know, it was
fucking awesome.
4099
02:37:17,979 --> 02:37:18,810
AUDIENCE: Yeah, I saw it.
4100
02:37:18,810 --> 02:37:20,522
It was kind of-- it was
just fun to do and shit.
4101
02:37:20,522 --> 02:37:22,664
It was great because I
wasn't expecting-- you know,
4102
02:37:22,664 --> 02:37:24,736
"Law & Order" in America is on
like pretty much 24 hours a day
4103
02:37:24,736 --> 02:37:25,436
now.
4104
02:37:25,436 --> 02:37:26,578
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah, basically.
4105
02:37:26,578 --> 02:37:29,611
I mean, it's on like four
different channels-- USA, NBC.
4106
02:37:29,611 --> 02:37:30,812
But anyways, I
was like watching.
4107
02:37:30,812 --> 02:37:34,946
I'm like-- it's a good show to
watch when you're-- basically
4108
02:37:34,946 --> 02:37:36,167
don't want to watch anything.
4109
02:37:36,167 --> 02:37:38,109
Because everything's
wrapped up in an hour.
4110
02:37:38,109 --> 02:37:38,810
So I'm watching.
4111
02:37:38,810 --> 02:37:39,511
I'm going--
4112
02:37:39,511 --> 02:37:40,992
But you know, that's
like most TV, though.
4113
02:37:40,992 --> 02:37:41,863
AUDIENCE: Well, I know.
I know.
4114
02:37:41,863 --> 02:37:43,434
Everything wraps
up rather quickly.
4115
02:37:43,434 --> 02:37:45,376
AUDIENCE: Well, anyhow.
4116
02:37:45,376 --> 02:37:46,678
Uh, so I'm watching.
4117
02:37:46,678 --> 02:37:47,609
I'm mildly interested.
4118
02:37:47,609 --> 02:37:49,410
And I go Kevin Smith.
4119
02:37:49,410 --> 02:37:50,111
Yeah.
4120
02:37:50,111 --> 02:37:50,582
That's--
4121
02:37:50,582 --> 02:37:51,733
AUDIENCE: Now I've
got heightened
4122
02:37:51,733 --> 02:37:52,774
interest in this one.
4123
02:37:52,774 --> 02:37:54,285
That was my reaction as well.
4124
02:37:54,285 --> 02:37:57,609
And I knew I was
going to be in it.
4125
02:37:57,609 --> 02:38:00,912
I went-- what I did was I went
to the mall, to a TV store,
4126
02:38:00,912 --> 02:38:02,173
and just hung out there.
4127
02:38:02,173 --> 02:38:05,266
Turned every TV to fucking
"Law & Order" and waited.
4128
02:38:05,266 --> 02:38:05,967
What was the--
4129
02:38:05,967 --> 02:38:08,059
And then when I popped up,
I was like, Kevin Smith.
4130
02:38:08,059 --> 02:38:10,051
And there was one
65-year-old black guy
4131
02:38:10,051 --> 02:38:13,545
who was like, that's
the dude from Leno.
4132
02:38:13,545 --> 02:38:18,530
[APPLAUSE]
4133
02:38:18,530 --> 02:38:19,360
Thank you very much.
4134
02:38:19,360 --> 02:38:21,763
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
4135
02:38:21,763 --> 02:38:22,594
Yes.
4136
02:38:22,594 --> 02:38:23,294
AUDIENCE: Hi.
4137
02:38:23,294 --> 02:38:26,287
What was it like working
with Will Ferrell?
4138
02:38:26,287 --> 02:38:30,381
And have you got any
funny stories about that?
4139
02:38:30,381 --> 02:38:32,794
KEVIN SMITH: Again.
4140
02:38:32,794 --> 02:38:34,596
What was it like working
with Will Ferrell?
4141
02:38:34,596 --> 02:38:35,496
KEVIN SMITH: Will Ferrell.
4142
02:38:35,496 --> 02:38:38,910
I don't know what
the fuck you said.
4143
02:38:38,910 --> 02:38:40,481
Honestly, I thought
you were like, what
4144
02:38:40,481 --> 02:38:41,813
was it like with Boba Fett.
4145
02:38:41,813 --> 02:38:44,155
And I was like, I don't know.
4146
02:38:44,155 --> 02:38:45,857
What was it like with Boba Fett?
4147
02:38:45,857 --> 02:38:48,489
Well, it was quite
nice, actually.
4148
02:38:48,489 --> 02:38:49,921
What was it like working
with Will Ferrell?
4149
02:38:49,921 --> 02:38:52,614
You now, the dude's
hysterical as fucking hell.
4150
02:38:52,614 --> 02:38:54,706
Just really, really funny guy.
4151
02:38:54,706 --> 02:38:56,017
Constantly, like making jokes.
4152
02:38:56,017 --> 02:38:58,219
But not like, you know,
ba-dum-bump kind of jokes.
4153
02:38:58,219 --> 02:38:59,941
Just constantly funny.
4154
02:38:59,941 --> 02:39:01,563
Can't help but be funny.
4155
02:39:01,563 --> 02:39:02,784
Even when he tries
to be serious,
4156
02:39:02,784 --> 02:39:04,265
the dude's kind of funny.
4157
02:39:04,265 --> 02:39:07,579
So, um, no-- no like
killer, fucking stories.
4158
02:39:07,579 --> 02:39:09,360
He would come in,
shoot, and then
4159
02:39:09,360 --> 02:39:11,422
go back because he was working
on "SNL" at the same time.
4160
02:39:11,422 --> 02:39:12,664
So we didn't get to
hang out with him
4161
02:39:12,664 --> 02:39:13,785
as much as I would
have liked to.
4162
02:39:13,785 --> 02:39:14,746
Did you?
4163
02:39:14,746 --> 02:39:15,587
Do you have any?
4164
02:39:15,587 --> 02:39:16,287
No?
4165
02:39:16,287 --> 02:39:17,528
No Will Ferrell stuff?
4166
02:39:17,528 --> 02:39:18,229
JASON MEWES: No.
4167
02:39:18,229 --> 02:39:18,930
Nothing.
4168
02:39:18,930 --> 02:39:20,682
Great guy.
4169
02:39:20,682 --> 02:39:21,502
Funny.
4170
02:39:21,502 --> 02:39:22,343
Funny.
4171
02:39:22,343 --> 02:39:23,174
AUDIENCE: Can I ask--
4172
02:39:23,174 --> 02:39:23,875
Sweet.
4173
02:39:23,875 --> 02:39:25,416
Can I ask Jason a question?
4174
02:39:25,416 --> 02:39:26,527
KEVIN SMITH: Yes, please do.
4175
02:39:26,527 --> 02:39:28,509
I was wondering if
you'd make my night
4176
02:39:28,509 --> 02:39:32,383
and say snoochie boochies
in a seductive way to me.
4177
02:39:32,383 --> 02:39:34,856
[LAUGHTER]
4178
02:39:34,856 --> 02:39:38,319
[APPLAUSE]
4179
02:39:43,915 --> 02:39:45,016
I don't know if
I could do that.
4180
02:39:45,016 --> 02:39:47,619
It's not-- it's not
a sexy word, is it?
4181
02:39:50,882 --> 02:39:51,853
Um.
4182
02:39:51,853 --> 02:39:53,304
Now you got me on the spot.
4183
02:39:53,304 --> 02:39:55,406
I don't know if I can do this.
4184
02:39:55,406 --> 02:39:56,888
[LAUGHTER]
4185
02:39:56,888 --> 02:39:57,879
Hold on.
4186
02:39:57,879 --> 02:39:59,861
Let me get in the mood.
4187
02:39:59,861 --> 02:40:02,333
Snoochie boochies.
4188
02:40:02,333 --> 02:40:06,287
[APPLAUSE]
4189
02:40:06,287 --> 02:40:07,278
I tried.
4190
02:40:10,742 --> 02:40:11,723
Never had to do that before.
4191
02:40:11,723 --> 02:40:13,214
That might work, huh?
4192
02:40:13,214 --> 02:40:14,776
Are you a little
wet in the pants?
4193
02:40:14,776 --> 02:40:15,586
Yeah.
4194
02:40:15,586 --> 02:40:16,878
JASON MEWES: You are?
4195
02:40:16,878 --> 02:40:17,619
That might work.
4196
02:40:17,619 --> 02:40:19,280
I'm going to try that
tonight when I go out.
4197
02:40:19,280 --> 02:40:21,392
I'll be like, snooch.
4198
02:40:21,392 --> 02:40:23,084
Thanks.
4199
02:40:23,084 --> 02:40:23,785
Thank you.
4200
02:40:30,011 --> 02:40:32,583
I'm by myself.
4201
02:40:32,583 --> 02:40:33,765
Questions anywhere.
4202
02:40:33,765 --> 02:40:34,906
Fuck this thing.
4203
02:40:34,906 --> 02:40:36,097
Fuck that.
4204
02:40:36,097 --> 02:40:37,098
Fuck these guys.
4205
02:40:39,941 --> 02:40:41,202
Um.
4206
02:40:41,202 --> 02:40:42,053
AUDIENCE: Up here.
4207
02:40:42,053 --> 02:40:42,784
Fuck that.
4208
02:40:42,784 --> 02:40:44,575
You're too far.
4209
02:40:44,575 --> 02:40:47,308
Dude.
4210
02:40:47,308 --> 02:40:49,801
Fuck the mic.
4211
02:40:49,801 --> 02:40:52,493
It's my show now.
4212
02:40:52,493 --> 02:40:53,665
It's "Evening with Jay Mewes."
4213
02:40:53,665 --> 02:40:55,997
What?
4214
02:40:55,997 --> 02:40:57,388
Do something for us.
4215
02:40:57,388 --> 02:40:59,310
Do a monologue.
4216
02:40:59,310 --> 02:41:03,054
Do a monologue about, um,
eating a clit, licking the clit.
4217
02:41:03,054 --> 02:41:03,755
Do it.
4218
02:41:10,361 --> 02:41:11,743
OK.
4219
02:41:11,743 --> 02:41:13,464
You say you're the
clit commander.
4220
02:41:13,464 --> 02:41:15,216
Can I be your
commander in chief?
4221
02:41:15,216 --> 02:41:16,477
I like the clit, too.
4222
02:41:16,477 --> 02:41:17,598
I love the clit.
4223
02:41:17,598 --> 02:41:18,379
I love the clit.
4224
02:41:18,379 --> 02:41:20,661
And [MUMBLING].
4225
02:41:20,661 --> 02:41:22,213
But you got to get
the hood apart.
4226
02:41:22,213 --> 02:41:24,015
You got to pry the hood apart.
4227
02:41:24,015 --> 02:41:26,597
And then just get your
tongue, just underneath there.
4228
02:41:26,597 --> 02:41:28,219
And then just tease it.
4229
02:41:28,219 --> 02:41:29,680
Tease it a little bit
with your fingertip.
4230
02:41:29,680 --> 02:41:31,863
And then slide underneath
the clit and around.
4231
02:41:31,863 --> 02:41:33,614
And then inside, inside, inside.
4232
02:41:33,614 --> 02:41:34,605
And then back to the clit.
4233
02:41:34,605 --> 02:41:35,306
Back to the clit.
4234
02:41:35,306 --> 02:41:35,957
Don't overdo it.
4235
02:41:35,957 --> 02:41:36,587
Not too hard.
4236
02:41:36,587 --> 02:41:37,288
Don't bit.
4237
02:41:37,288 --> 02:41:38,159
Never bite the clit.
4238
02:41:38,159 --> 02:41:39,791
Never suck too hard.
4239
02:41:39,791 --> 02:41:40,491
Just lick it.
4240
02:41:40,491 --> 02:41:41,472
Lick it gently.
4241
02:41:41,472 --> 02:41:42,453
How was that?
4242
02:41:42,453 --> 02:41:43,424
JASON MEWES: Love that.
4243
02:41:43,424 --> 02:41:44,405
AUDIENCE: Was that OK?
4244
02:41:44,405 --> 02:41:47,839
[APPLAUSE]
4245
02:41:48,810 --> 02:41:51,272
If it was my movie,
I'd cast you, sir.
4246
02:41:51,272 --> 02:41:51,973
Thank you.
4247
02:41:51,973 --> 02:41:53,955
JASON MEWES: If I could
cast you, I would.
4248
02:41:53,955 --> 02:41:54,936
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
4249
02:41:54,936 --> 02:41:56,918
Awesome.
4250
02:41:56,918 --> 02:41:59,250
I might want you to eat
my ass tonight, sir.
4251
02:41:59,250 --> 02:41:59,971
Come on.
4252
02:41:59,971 --> 02:42:01,492
Sorry, I don't do ass.
4253
02:42:01,492 --> 02:42:02,533
Come on, sir.
4254
02:42:02,533 --> 02:42:03,234
AUDIENCE: OK.
4255
02:42:03,234 --> 02:42:05,807
Maybe in your case
I'll make an exception.
4256
02:42:05,807 --> 02:42:08,349
That was awesome.
4257
02:42:08,349 --> 02:42:11,873
You know Woody Allen
don't have Q&As like this.
4258
02:42:15,576 --> 02:42:17,038
Um, where were we?
4259
02:42:17,038 --> 02:42:17,909
I think that she was--
4260
02:42:17,909 --> 02:42:19,891
She got a mic.
4261
02:42:19,891 --> 02:42:22,033
Hi, I had a refined question.
4262
02:42:22,033 --> 02:42:25,777
Um-- no, not after that.
4263
02:42:25,777 --> 02:42:29,921
Me and my friend Neil, we were
talking about sex euphemisms.
4264
02:42:29,921 --> 02:42:33,184
And my personal favorite
being pole in the hole.
4265
02:42:33,184 --> 02:42:35,837
Neil's-- what was yours?
4266
02:42:35,837 --> 02:42:36,707
Would you like a portion?
4267
02:42:36,707 --> 02:42:39,590
[LAUGHTER]
4268
02:42:42,523 --> 02:42:43,494
Did you see me man?
4269
02:42:43,494 --> 02:42:44,475
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
4270
02:42:44,475 --> 02:42:45,546
You know what she said, right?
4271
02:42:45,546 --> 02:42:46,247
No?
4272
02:42:46,247 --> 02:42:47,178
I didn't hear a word.
4273
02:42:47,178 --> 02:42:48,229
Sex euphemisms.
4274
02:42:48,229 --> 02:42:49,070
What's your favorite
sex euphemisms?
4275
02:42:49,070 --> 02:42:49,620
AUDIENCE: Sex
euphemisms, my favorite.
4276
02:42:49,620 --> 02:42:50,431
And yours was what?
4277
02:42:50,431 --> 02:42:51,272
Pole in the hole.
4278
02:42:51,272 --> 02:42:52,273
KEVIN SMITH: Pole in the hole.
4279
02:42:52,273 --> 02:42:53,925
And she said-- what's his name?
4280
02:42:53,925 --> 02:42:54,625
Neil.
4281
02:42:54,625 --> 02:42:55,396
KEVIN SMITH: She goes--
4282
02:42:55,396 --> 02:42:56,637
He likes, would
you like a portion?
4283
02:42:56,637 --> 02:42:57,468
--Neil has one.
What's yours?
4284
02:42:57,468 --> 02:43:01,282
And he goes-- she
puts the mic down.
4285
02:43:01,282 --> 02:43:04,695
Would you like a portion?
4286
02:43:04,695 --> 02:43:07,658
It was the delivery
that was genius.
4287
02:43:07,658 --> 02:43:08,439
Brilliant delivery.
4288
02:43:08,439 --> 02:43:10,381
Would you like a portion?
4289
02:43:10,381 --> 02:43:11,122
Right on.
4290
02:43:11,122 --> 02:43:13,915
That's my new euphemism.
4291
02:43:13,915 --> 02:43:15,386
What's yours?
4292
02:43:15,386 --> 02:43:17,308
It's that now.
4293
02:43:17,308 --> 02:43:18,759
Would you like a potion?
4294
02:43:18,759 --> 02:43:20,311
What is mine?
4295
02:43:20,311 --> 02:43:22,763
Um, what's my favorite
sex euphemism?
4296
02:43:22,763 --> 02:43:24,105
I don't even really
have a dirty one.
4297
02:43:24,105 --> 02:43:25,406
Because my wife
doesn't let me get away
4298
02:43:25,406 --> 02:43:26,878
with really, really dirty ones.
4299
02:43:26,878 --> 02:43:29,260
Your-- what's yours?
4300
02:43:29,260 --> 02:43:31,482
How about give her
a couple of inches?
4301
02:43:31,482 --> 02:43:32,543
What's that?
4302
02:43:32,543 --> 02:43:34,705
[LAUGHTER]
4303
02:43:34,705 --> 02:43:36,587
A couple inches.
4304
02:43:36,587 --> 02:43:38,990
I said, how about give
her a couple of inches?
4305
02:43:38,990 --> 02:43:39,861
That's a-- really?
4306
02:43:39,861 --> 02:43:42,493
Is that what girls
say over here?
4307
02:43:42,493 --> 02:43:43,294
AUDIENCE: Maybe just me.
4308
02:43:43,294 --> 02:43:43,995
Fuck.
4309
02:43:43,995 --> 02:43:46,367
We're in the wrong country.
4310
02:43:46,367 --> 02:43:48,099
Because you ask for
just a couple inches,
4311
02:43:48,099 --> 02:43:50,721
that's what you get from me.
4312
02:43:50,721 --> 02:43:51,953
It's all in.
4313
02:43:51,953 --> 02:43:53,274
It's there.
4314
02:43:53,274 --> 02:43:54,165
All in.
4315
02:43:54,165 --> 02:43:56,117
That's balls deep right there.
4316
02:43:56,117 --> 02:43:58,719
Can I ask a nicer question?
4317
02:43:58,719 --> 02:44:00,601
Um, have you ever been
watching one of your own movies
4318
02:44:00,601 --> 02:44:02,823
and sat there and smugly
thought to yourself,
4319
02:44:02,823 --> 02:44:06,467
I am a fucking comic genius?
4320
02:44:06,467 --> 02:44:08,839
No.
4321
02:44:08,839 --> 02:44:11,152
I sit there and watch my own
movies and I'm just like,
4322
02:44:11,152 --> 02:44:13,434
would you like a portion?
4323
02:44:16,097 --> 02:44:16,797
No.
4324
02:44:16,797 --> 02:44:17,498
I don't know.
4325
02:44:17,498 --> 02:44:19,020
I rarely watch the
movies anymore.
4326
02:44:19,020 --> 02:44:20,551
You know, just because
you spend so much
4327
02:44:20,551 --> 02:44:21,722
time with them
making them that you
4328
02:44:21,722 --> 02:44:23,354
don't really think about it.
4329
02:44:23,354 --> 02:44:26,227
But you know-- you spend-- well,
that makes no fucking sense.
4330
02:44:26,227 --> 02:44:28,479
You spend so much time
with the fucking movies,
4331
02:44:28,479 --> 02:44:30,181
by the time the
movie's done, you don't
4332
02:44:30,181 --> 02:44:31,402
want to ever see it again.
4333
02:44:31,402 --> 02:44:33,024
Like I've seen every
one of those movies
4334
02:44:33,024 --> 02:44:34,295
so many fucking times.
4335
02:44:34,295 --> 02:44:35,776
Then you let some years go by.
4336
02:44:35,776 --> 02:44:37,558
Like "Clerks" I was
only able to appreciate
4337
02:44:37,558 --> 02:44:39,510
again recently because I
hadn't watched it in a while.
4338
02:44:39,510 --> 02:44:41,012
I was like, hey, this
is pretty fucking good.
4339
02:44:41,012 --> 02:44:41,852
It's fun.
4340
02:44:41,852 --> 02:44:44,145
This dude's funny.
4341
02:44:44,145 --> 02:44:47,608
But, uh, never-- never like,
ooh, I'm a comic genius.
4342
02:44:47,608 --> 02:44:49,620
Because like my man that
stood up and do the fucking--
4343
02:44:49,620 --> 02:44:51,602
his clit monologue.
4344
02:44:51,602 --> 02:44:55,917
And suddenly I'm like, well,
anybody could that shit.
4345
02:44:55,917 --> 02:44:57,288
He's lying.
4346
02:44:57,288 --> 02:44:57,989
Do you think I--
4347
02:44:57,989 --> 02:44:58,689
He bluffs.
4348
02:44:58,689 --> 02:45:00,942
You're always just like,
I'm fucking brilliant.
4349
02:45:00,942 --> 02:45:05,256
I'm so-- Mewes leave.
4350
02:45:05,256 --> 02:45:06,757
Come on.
4351
02:45:06,757 --> 02:45:08,369
I want to be alone with myself.
4352
02:45:08,369 --> 02:45:10,001
He does.
4353
02:45:10,001 --> 02:45:12,994
Would you like a portion?
4354
02:45:12,994 --> 02:45:17,458
[APPLAUSE]
4355
02:45:19,941 --> 02:45:23,894
What, um-- what is
your euphemism for sex?
4356
02:45:23,894 --> 02:45:26,127
Um, knock the bottom
out, you talking about?
4357
02:45:26,127 --> 02:45:27,358
Knock the bottom out?
4358
02:45:27,358 --> 02:45:28,399
Knocking the bottom out.
4359
02:45:28,399 --> 02:45:29,100
Does that work?
4360
02:45:29,100 --> 02:45:30,962
Let me knock the bottom out.
4361
02:45:30,962 --> 02:45:31,993
Hit a girl with it.
4362
02:45:31,993 --> 02:45:32,964
Go ahead, hit her with it.
4363
02:45:32,964 --> 02:45:35,546
Come on, I already
did the snooch, dude.
4364
02:45:35,546 --> 02:45:36,337
Come on, man.
4365
02:45:36,337 --> 02:45:36,737
Yeah.
4366
02:45:36,737 --> 02:45:38,279
But you would never
do that in real life,
4367
02:45:38,279 --> 02:45:39,860
like snoochie boochie.
4368
02:45:39,860 --> 02:45:40,561
No.
4369
02:45:40,561 --> 02:45:41,262
I wouldn't.
4370
02:45:41,262 --> 02:45:42,873
After-- how do you--
how do you approach them?
4371
02:45:42,873 --> 02:45:44,145
You just say, let
me knock the bottom.
4372
02:45:44,145 --> 02:45:45,116
Let me knock the fucking--
4373
02:45:45,116 --> 02:45:46,457
Let me get up in them guts.
4374
02:45:46,457 --> 02:45:47,318
How do you say it?
4375
02:45:47,318 --> 02:45:48,249
How would you say it to her?
4376
02:45:48,249 --> 02:45:48,950
I don't know.
4377
02:45:48,950 --> 02:45:49,830
I mean, mine's more jokey.
4378
02:45:49,830 --> 02:45:50,591
I'm not really--
4379
02:45:50,591 --> 02:45:51,912
So let's-- let's hear the joke.
4380
02:45:51,912 --> 02:45:52,613
I don't know, dude.
4381
02:45:52,613 --> 02:45:53,214
There's a bunch.
4382
02:45:53,214 --> 02:45:54,635
Knock the bottom out.
Let me get up in them guts.
4383
02:45:54,635 --> 02:45:55,806
I'm saying, knock
the-- you do it.
4384
02:45:55,806 --> 02:45:57,568
What?
4385
02:45:57,568 --> 02:45:59,450
Let me get up in them guts.
4386
02:45:59,450 --> 02:46:00,681
Dude, your mom's here.
4387
02:46:00,681 --> 02:46:02,313
Don't ask me this stuff, sir.
4388
02:46:02,313 --> 02:46:03,654
I hate it.
4389
02:46:03,654 --> 02:46:04,725
Is it-- you really?
4390
02:46:04,725 --> 02:46:06,777
That fucking works on somebody?
4391
02:46:06,777 --> 02:46:08,179
No, it never works.
4392
02:46:08,179 --> 02:46:09,070
This is what works.
4393
02:46:11,792 --> 02:46:13,954
Not really.
4394
02:46:13,954 --> 02:46:14,655
Because-- yeah.
4395
02:46:14,655 --> 02:46:15,436
No.
4396
02:46:15,436 --> 02:46:17,188
I got to piss really
bad, so I'm leaving.
4397
02:46:17,188 --> 02:46:19,240
And I'm going to
smoke a cigarette.
4398
02:46:19,240 --> 02:46:19,940
Oh.
4399
02:46:19,940 --> 02:46:21,102
And I'm going to go jerk off.
4400
02:46:21,102 --> 02:46:21,802
All right.
4401
02:46:21,802 --> 02:46:24,735
I'm going to have my
balls washed again.
4402
02:46:24,735 --> 02:46:29,130
[APPLAUSE]
4403
02:46:37,988 --> 02:46:38,689
What he say?
4404
02:46:38,689 --> 02:46:40,321
What is it, let me
get up in them guts?
4405
02:46:40,321 --> 02:46:42,323
Is that what he said?
4406
02:46:42,323 --> 02:46:43,814
Let me get up in them guts.
4407
02:46:43,814 --> 02:46:45,346
Would that work on you,
if some dude was like,
4408
02:46:45,346 --> 02:46:47,458
let me get up in the guts?
4409
02:46:47,458 --> 02:46:49,180
AUDIENCE: Maybe if it was Jason.
4410
02:46:49,180 --> 02:46:49,880
Usually, no.
4411
02:46:49,880 --> 02:46:52,253
But like that with that
harsh, hostile tone?
4412
02:46:52,253 --> 02:46:53,864
Let me get up in them guts.
4413
02:46:53,864 --> 02:46:55,806
I think I'd be like, oh, shit.
4414
02:46:55,806 --> 02:46:57,658
AUDIENCE: Try whispering it.
4415
02:46:57,658 --> 02:46:58,359
Was is it?
4416
02:46:58,359 --> 02:46:59,560
AUDIENCE: Try whispering it.
4417
02:46:59,560 --> 02:47:00,621
Try whispering it.
4418
02:47:00,621 --> 02:47:03,364
I don't even think I
could pull that off.
4419
02:47:03,364 --> 02:47:05,536
It would just sound
spooky, wouldn't it?
4420
02:47:05,536 --> 02:47:07,628
There's nothing fun
about that, or playful.
4421
02:47:07,628 --> 02:47:11,652
Do you like your vag
being referred to as guts?
4422
02:47:11,652 --> 02:47:15,306
Let me get up in them guts.
4423
02:47:15,306 --> 02:47:17,148
Bloody hell, no.
4424
02:47:17,148 --> 02:47:19,060
AUDIENCE: You're the bear.
4425
02:47:19,060 --> 02:47:20,411
What was your
favorite euphemism?
4426
02:47:20,411 --> 02:47:21,112
Pole in the hole?
4427
02:47:21,112 --> 02:47:22,233
Pole in the hole.
4428
02:47:22,233 --> 02:47:23,624
That's how you referred to it?
4429
02:47:23,624 --> 02:47:26,267
Not normally, but it amuses me.
4430
02:47:26,267 --> 02:47:27,318
Not normally, though.
4431
02:47:27,318 --> 02:47:30,251
No, I understand what
pole in the hole means.
4432
02:47:30,251 --> 02:47:32,093
But thank you for
the demonstration.
4433
02:47:32,093 --> 02:47:34,475
Because I was a little-- what
does she mean, pole in the--
4434
02:47:34,475 --> 02:47:35,236
AUDIENCE: Personally.
4435
02:47:35,236 --> 02:47:36,677
Pole in the hole.
4436
02:47:36,677 --> 02:47:37,448
Personally, fanny fun.
4437
02:47:37,448 --> 02:47:38,409
That's when you're sitting
around with your girlfriends.
4438
02:47:38,409 --> 02:47:40,931
You're like, oh, we had a little
pole in the hole last night.
4439
02:47:40,931 --> 02:47:42,513
Hehe.
4440
02:47:42,513 --> 02:47:43,694
But you don't say
it to your man.
4441
02:47:43,694 --> 02:47:44,565
You're not like, come on.
4442
02:47:44,565 --> 02:47:46,517
If I'm out with my lady
friends, it's either giving
4443
02:47:46,517 --> 02:47:48,829
away the whole pudding or--
4444
02:47:48,829 --> 02:47:49,700
What is it?
4445
02:47:49,700 --> 02:47:51,302
Giving away the whole pudding.
4446
02:47:51,302 --> 02:47:52,403
Um--
-I didn't hear that.
4447
02:47:52,403 --> 02:47:53,104
What?
4448
02:47:53,104 --> 02:47:55,436
Giving away the whole pudding.
4449
02:47:55,436 --> 02:47:57,558
Giving away the whole pudding?
4450
02:47:57,558 --> 02:47:59,530
Yes.
4451
02:47:59,530 --> 02:48:03,654
You British broads are dirty.
4452
02:48:03,654 --> 02:48:05,186
I mean, when you say
the whole pudding,
4453
02:48:05,186 --> 02:48:07,408
you mean H-O-L-E or W-H-O-L-E?
4454
02:48:07,408 --> 02:48:09,120
Like giving away
the hole pudding
4455
02:48:09,120 --> 02:48:12,293
or giving away
the whole pudding?
4456
02:48:12,293 --> 02:48:13,414
Whichever takes your fancy.
4457
02:48:13,414 --> 02:48:14,975
Go for it.
4458
02:48:14,975 --> 02:48:18,329
Or, a bit of fanny fun.
4459
02:48:18,329 --> 02:48:20,000
What was the other one?
4460
02:48:20,000 --> 02:48:21,972
A bit of fanny fun.
4461
02:48:21,972 --> 02:48:23,734
A bit of funny fur?
4462
02:48:23,734 --> 02:48:26,157
[LAUGHTER]
4463
02:48:26,157 --> 02:48:26,957
Fanny fun.
4464
02:48:30,461 --> 02:48:31,182
Fanny fun.
4465
02:48:31,182 --> 02:48:32,153
AUDIENCE: Fanny fun.
4466
02:48:32,153 --> 02:48:35,556
Family fun?
4467
02:48:35,556 --> 02:48:36,947
AUDIENCE: Fanny fun.
4468
02:48:36,947 --> 02:48:38,219
Spell.
4469
02:48:38,219 --> 02:48:39,680
AUDIENCE: F-A-N-N-Y.
4470
02:48:39,680 --> 02:48:40,381
Fanny fun.
4471
02:48:40,381 --> 02:48:42,163
Like ass play?
4472
02:48:42,163 --> 02:48:43,534
AUDIENCE: No.
4473
02:48:43,534 --> 02:48:44,945
Not ass play?
4474
02:48:44,945 --> 02:48:46,387
AUDIENCE: Fanny
here means fanjita.
4475
02:48:46,387 --> 02:48:49,460
What is it?
4476
02:48:49,460 --> 02:48:50,471
Pussy.
4477
02:48:50,471 --> 02:48:52,383
Oh, fanny covers
pussy up here as well?
4478
02:48:52,383 --> 02:48:53,083
Fanny means pussy.
4479
02:48:53,083 --> 02:48:54,325
KEVIN SMITH: Back home,
fanny is your ass.
4480
02:48:54,325 --> 02:48:54,795
Yeah.
4481
02:48:54,795 --> 02:48:55,256
No.
4482
02:48:55,256 --> 02:48:56,106
It's not here?
4483
02:48:56,106 --> 02:48:56,877
AUDIENCE: Not here. no.
4484
02:48:56,877 --> 02:48:57,648
Well, that would suck.
4485
02:48:57,648 --> 02:49:01,111
I can see why every British--
British woman I've tried
4486
02:49:01,111 --> 02:49:04,705
to fuck has been very confused.
4487
02:49:04,705 --> 02:49:05,936
Would you like a
bit of fanny fun?
4488
02:49:05,936 --> 02:49:07,418
Oh, Jesus.
4489
02:49:07,418 --> 02:49:09,290
Yes.
4490
02:49:09,290 --> 02:49:11,212
Hey, hey, hey.
4491
02:49:11,212 --> 02:49:12,973
I said fanny fun.
4492
02:49:12,973 --> 02:49:17,117
So did I.
4493
02:49:17,117 --> 02:49:19,320
So fanny is the front
part, the girl part?
4494
02:49:19,320 --> 02:49:20,110
It is, indeed.
4495
02:49:20,110 --> 02:49:21,822
It's literally ass back home.
4496
02:49:21,822 --> 02:49:23,414
Like I'll spank
you on your fanny.
4497
02:49:23,414 --> 02:49:24,114
Not here.
4498
02:49:24,114 --> 02:49:26,046
Yeah, you wouldn't want to
get spanked on the fanny here.
4499
02:49:26,046 --> 02:49:27,077
Nasty surprises.
4500
02:49:27,077 --> 02:49:27,778
No.
4501
02:49:30,751 --> 02:49:33,794
How many international
incidences have been causes
4502
02:49:33,794 --> 02:49:36,397
because of that, you know?
4503
02:49:36,397 --> 02:49:38,118
Fanny fun.
4504
02:49:38,118 --> 02:49:38,939
Interesting.
4505
02:49:38,939 --> 02:49:40,631
AUDIENCE: Having known
many international guys,
4506
02:49:40,631 --> 02:49:41,802
it's not a problem.
4507
02:49:41,802 --> 02:49:43,814
Two countries separated
by a common language.
4508
02:49:43,814 --> 02:49:44,615
Is that it?
4509
02:49:44,615 --> 02:49:46,357
And it all comes
down to fanny fun?
4510
02:49:46,357 --> 02:49:47,868
AUDIENCE: Yes.
4511
02:49:47,868 --> 02:49:48,739
Down to the word "fanny."
4512
02:49:48,739 --> 02:49:50,931
I think that was the cause
of the Revolutionary War.
4513
02:49:50,931 --> 02:49:51,892
I think so, too.
4514
02:49:54,595 --> 02:49:55,296
Excuse me.
4515
02:49:55,296 --> 02:49:55,996
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
4516
02:49:55,996 --> 02:49:57,858
After that conversation,
what does your mother
4517
02:49:57,858 --> 02:49:59,860
think of you and your career?
4518
02:50:04,355 --> 02:50:08,839
[APPLAUSE]
4519
02:50:13,824 --> 02:50:16,237
I don't know.
4520
02:50:16,237 --> 02:50:17,318
AUDIENCE: Can we ask?
4521
02:50:17,318 --> 02:50:20,060
When I knew I was coming
over here, um, I was like,
4522
02:50:20,060 --> 02:50:22,823
would you-- you want to come
see me do Q&A in England?
4523
02:50:22,823 --> 02:50:24,885
Because it's just like
doing a Q&A in America,
4524
02:50:24,885 --> 02:50:27,778
but everyone sounds smarter.
4525
02:50:27,778 --> 02:50:29,240
Except for that broad.
4526
02:50:29,240 --> 02:50:29,940
But, um--
4527
02:50:32,873 --> 02:50:35,456
I forgot that the show tends
to be a little bit blue.
4528
02:50:35,456 --> 02:50:36,987
She has spent a lot of
the show with her head
4529
02:50:36,987 --> 02:50:37,678
in her hands shaking.
4530
02:50:37,678 --> 02:50:39,109
KEVIN SMITH: Have you
really been shaking--
4531
02:50:39,109 --> 02:50:41,372
up there just editorializing?
4532
02:50:41,372 --> 02:50:44,084
Shaking your head, like, oh.
4533
02:50:44,084 --> 02:50:45,386
My mother in the
beginning-- I remember
4534
02:50:45,386 --> 02:50:47,838
when the movies-- when "Clerks"
got picked up and shit.
4535
02:50:47,838 --> 02:50:51,031
She was just like, I think--
I think it's terrible.
4536
02:50:51,031 --> 02:50:52,192
All they do is
curse in the movie.
4537
02:50:52,192 --> 02:50:55,005
And I think that
reflects poorly on me.
4538
02:50:55,005 --> 02:50:55,886
I was like, really?
4539
02:50:55,886 --> 02:50:57,388
She's like, everyone is
going to think that I
4540
02:50:57,388 --> 02:50:59,500
raised you with a potty mouth.
4541
02:50:59,500 --> 02:51:01,221
I was like, well, I'll
set them straight.
4542
02:51:05,195 --> 02:51:06,096
So here's me doing it.
4543
02:51:06,096 --> 02:51:07,207
My mother never cursed to me.
4544
02:51:07,207 --> 02:51:09,330
My mother's one of those
people that's like, oh,
4545
02:51:09,330 --> 02:51:11,382
H-E double hockey sticks.
4546
02:51:11,382 --> 02:51:12,733
She don't curse, really.
4547
02:51:12,733 --> 02:51:15,556
Until you get her
really fucking mad.
4548
02:51:15,556 --> 02:51:17,338
And then she's like,
fuck that fanny fun.
4549
02:51:23,023 --> 02:51:23,904
Thank you.
4550
02:51:23,904 --> 02:51:24,975
Yes?
4551
02:51:24,975 --> 02:51:28,449
Um, Jason, I saw "R.S.V.P."
4552
02:51:28,449 --> 02:51:30,050
Let me get up in them guts.
4553
02:51:30,050 --> 02:51:32,753
[LAUGHTER]
4554
02:51:33,454 --> 02:51:34,214
Did it work?
4555
02:51:34,214 --> 02:51:34,915
No?
4556
02:51:39,500 --> 02:51:40,200
Um--
4557
02:51:40,200 --> 02:51:43,043
Yeah, let me find out.
4558
02:51:43,043 --> 02:51:43,744
No?
4559
02:51:43,744 --> 02:51:44,745
How old are you?
4560
02:51:44,745 --> 02:51:45,636
17.
4561
02:51:45,636 --> 02:51:46,997
I was going to
say, she's a child.
4562
02:51:46,997 --> 02:51:49,330
Oh, wait.
4563
02:51:49,330 --> 02:51:51,221
I'm 14.
4564
02:51:51,221 --> 02:51:54,064
What guts are you talking about?
4565
02:51:54,064 --> 02:51:56,847
Mommy.
4566
02:51:56,847 --> 02:51:58,849
I'm out of here.
4567
02:51:58,849 --> 02:51:59,550
Probation.
4568
02:52:02,493 --> 02:52:03,193
"R.S.V.P." what?
4569
02:52:03,193 --> 02:52:07,598
Um, I saw "R.S.V.P." and
"Tail Lights Fade," too.
4570
02:52:07,598 --> 02:52:08,919
I was just wondering,
does anyone
4571
02:52:08,919 --> 02:52:12,222
actually ever offer you
any other kind of role
4572
02:52:12,222 --> 02:52:13,954
other than Jay?
4573
02:52:13,954 --> 02:52:15,576
Um, here and there.
4574
02:52:15,576 --> 02:52:16,577
Here and there.
4575
02:52:16,577 --> 02:52:17,668
Not a lot, though.
4576
02:52:17,668 --> 02:52:21,862
But I'm doing a movie, uh--
we start shooting next month.
4577
02:52:21,862 --> 02:52:24,415
This guy Eric, who
wrote and direct.
4578
02:52:24,415 --> 02:52:26,357
It's called "Bottoms Up."
4579
02:52:26,357 --> 02:52:28,719
It's about fucking.
4580
02:52:28,719 --> 02:52:29,420
No.
4581
02:52:29,420 --> 02:52:30,971
But Paris Hilton's in it.
4582
02:52:30,971 --> 02:52:34,184
So hopefully we'll be fucking.
4583
02:52:34,184 --> 02:52:35,526
Not really.
4584
02:52:35,526 --> 02:52:36,737
But she is in it.
4585
02:52:36,737 --> 02:52:38,889
And, uh, I think
Paul Walker's in it.
4586
02:52:38,889 --> 02:52:40,150
Some other dude.
4587
02:52:40,150 --> 02:52:41,432
I don't know.
4588
02:52:41,432 --> 02:52:43,864
It's like a $3 million budget.
4589
02:52:43,864 --> 02:52:47,187
But no, no one's beating my
door down for Batman or anything
4590
02:52:47,187 --> 02:52:48,939
like that.
4591
02:52:48,939 --> 02:52:49,700
So--
4592
02:52:49,700 --> 02:52:50,411
Is that the dream?
4593
02:52:50,411 --> 02:52:51,482
Why, you giving me a job offer?
4594
02:52:51,482 --> 02:52:53,313
You got a movie?
4595
02:52:53,313 --> 02:52:55,876
Um, my friend sort of does.
4596
02:52:55,876 --> 02:52:56,827
Well, not a movie.
4597
02:52:56,827 --> 02:52:57,978
Not a movie.
4598
02:52:57,978 --> 02:53:00,851
Just, um-- just a stupid thing.
4599
02:53:00,851 --> 02:53:04,024
He's going to kill me.
4600
02:53:04,024 --> 02:53:06,877
Does this movie involve
a video camera and--
4601
02:53:06,877 --> 02:53:08,819
Yes.
4602
02:53:08,819 --> 02:53:09,620
And Mewes and--
4603
02:53:09,620 --> 02:53:10,391
No.
4604
02:53:10,391 --> 02:53:12,483
it's just skateboarding
and things.
4605
02:53:12,483 --> 02:53:15,245
Stupid.
4606
02:53:15,245 --> 02:53:15,946
There you go, dude.
4607
02:53:15,946 --> 02:53:16,947
I could do some moves, right?
4608
02:53:16,947 --> 02:53:17,728
Yeah.
4609
02:53:17,728 --> 02:53:19,249
You can fucking ollie a bus.
4610
02:53:19,249 --> 02:53:20,390
Ollie kickflip.
KEVIN SMITH: Totally.
4611
02:53:20,390 --> 02:53:20,771
Right.
4612
02:53:20,771 --> 02:53:21,702
AUDIENCE: I'll let him know.
4613
02:53:21,702 --> 02:53:23,924
OK.
4614
02:53:23,924 --> 02:53:24,625
AUDIENCE: Um--
4615
02:53:24,625 --> 02:53:26,346
Is that your
dream role, Batman?
4616
02:53:26,346 --> 02:53:27,047
No.
4617
02:53:27,047 --> 02:53:29,229
That was your go-to,
nobody's offering me Batman.
4618
02:53:29,229 --> 02:53:30,320
No.
But I was just saying--
4619
02:53:30,320 --> 02:53:31,492
Like if somebody
called right now.
4620
02:53:31,492 --> 02:53:34,154
They're like, will
you play Batman?
4621
02:53:34,154 --> 02:53:34,995
You're like, I'm gone.
4622
02:53:34,995 --> 02:53:36,026
Moves.
4623
02:53:36,026 --> 02:53:36,857
No.
4624
02:53:36,857 --> 02:53:37,928
KEVIN SMITH: You wouldn't do it?
4625
02:53:37,928 --> 02:53:39,680
I couldn't be the
Dark Knight, sir.
4626
02:53:42,673 --> 02:53:43,914
I couldn't play that.
4627
02:53:43,914 --> 02:53:47,097
What a sincere answer that was.
4628
02:53:47,097 --> 02:53:48,739
Not like, well, that
would never happen.
4629
02:53:48,739 --> 02:53:50,471
Or you know, I don't-- it
would just-- I couldn't be
4630
02:53:50,471 --> 02:53:51,512
the Dark Knight, sir.
4631
02:53:57,137 --> 02:53:57,838
Thanks very much.
4632
02:53:57,838 --> 02:53:58,769
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
4633
02:53:58,769 --> 02:53:59,470
OK.
4634
02:53:59,470 --> 02:54:01,321
Go on up.
4635
02:54:01,321 --> 02:54:02,322
Yeah.
4636
02:54:02,322 --> 02:54:04,384
AUDIENCE: Good evening
to both of you.
4637
02:54:04,384 --> 02:54:06,196
It's a question--
4638
02:54:06,196 --> 02:54:08,428
So very British.
4639
02:54:08,428 --> 02:54:11,602
Yes, um, good evening
to both of you.
4640
02:54:11,602 --> 02:54:13,944
I do have a question
for both of you.
4641
02:54:13,944 --> 02:54:16,116
Um, if you had the
job of deciding
4642
02:54:16,116 --> 02:54:19,019
the official word of the day,
what would today's word be?
4643
02:54:19,019 --> 02:54:20,370
And why?
4644
02:54:20,370 --> 02:54:21,371
The official word of the day?
4645
02:54:21,371 --> 02:54:22,272
AUDIENCE: Official
word of the way.
4646
02:54:22,272 --> 02:54:23,323
Can it be a hyphenate word?
4647
02:54:23,323 --> 02:54:24,024
AUDIENCE: Sure.
4648
02:54:24,024 --> 02:54:24,925
Fanny fun.
4649
02:54:27,367 --> 02:54:28,068
Polish.
4650
02:54:33,664 --> 02:54:34,545
Thank you.
4651
02:54:34,545 --> 02:54:35,245
Thank you.
4652
02:54:35,245 --> 02:54:36,046
Good night.
4653
02:54:36,046 --> 02:54:36,747
Thanks.
4654
02:54:36,747 --> 02:54:37,908
That was easy.
4655
02:54:37,908 --> 02:54:41,241
Shit, why aren't
they all like that?
4656
02:54:41,241 --> 02:54:42,372
Who's got it over here?
4657
02:54:42,372 --> 02:54:45,876
Or you can pass over-- somebody?
4658
02:54:45,876 --> 02:54:47,467
Oh, somebody up there.
4659
02:54:47,467 --> 02:54:48,649
How are you?
KEVIN SMITH: What's up?
4660
02:54:48,649 --> 02:54:49,479
Don't jump, sir.
4661
02:54:49,479 --> 02:54:51,952
Don't jump.
4662
02:54:51,952 --> 02:54:52,923
KEVIN SMITH: How old are you?
4663
02:54:52,923 --> 02:54:54,064
I'm 19.
4664
02:54:54,064 --> 02:54:54,795
KEVIN SMITH: Right on.
4665
02:54:54,795 --> 02:54:55,706
Almost incredible.
4666
02:54:55,706 --> 02:54:57,808
What?
4667
02:54:57,808 --> 02:54:59,069
I'm 19.
4668
02:54:59,069 --> 02:55:00,120
KEVIN SMITH: 19.
4669
02:55:00,120 --> 02:55:00,821
Yeah.
4670
02:55:00,821 --> 02:55:03,924
God, you dressed-- dressed
formal for tonight's affair.
4671
02:55:03,924 --> 02:55:05,906
You got your button-down
shirt and shit.
4672
02:55:05,906 --> 02:55:06,837
It's cold.
4673
02:55:12,823 --> 02:55:15,676
Not here, obviously.
4674
02:55:15,676 --> 02:55:19,930
That shirt wards off
the cold, does it?
4675
02:55:19,930 --> 02:55:21,121
Well, it has, you
know, something
4676
02:55:21,121 --> 02:55:23,934
of the reverse effect in here,
but it was working out there.
4677
02:55:23,934 --> 02:55:24,775
Right on.
4678
02:55:24,775 --> 02:55:25,475
AUDIENCE: Right.
4679
02:55:25,475 --> 02:55:30,551
Uh, what's your favorite
of the John Hughes flicks?
4680
02:55:30,551 --> 02:55:33,523
Uh, uh, uh.
4681
02:55:33,523 --> 02:55:34,645
I just thought there was more.
4682
02:55:34,645 --> 02:55:35,175
But, uh--
4683
02:55:35,175 --> 02:55:35,906
AUDIENCE: That was it.
4684
02:55:35,906 --> 02:55:38,619
My favorite of the John Hughes
flicks, it's not the most--
4685
02:55:38,619 --> 02:55:39,560
it's not the obvious.
4686
02:55:39,560 --> 02:55:41,271
I go for the later work.
4687
02:55:41,271 --> 02:55:44,665
My favorite was "She's Having
a Baby," which "Jersey Girl"
4688
02:55:44,665 --> 02:55:46,236
was kind of modeled after.
4689
02:55:46,236 --> 02:55:47,027
And that movie failed.
4690
02:55:47,027 --> 02:55:50,180
And I don't know why I
thought mine would succeed.
4691
02:55:50,180 --> 02:55:51,281
Probably should
have patterned it
4692
02:55:51,281 --> 02:55:52,372
after something
like "The Breakfast
4693
02:55:52,372 --> 02:55:53,303
Club," which was successful.
4694
02:55:53,303 --> 02:55:54,985
Yeah, I was going to
say, "Breakfast Club."
4695
02:55:54,985 --> 02:55:56,386
I mean, I love "The
Breakfast-- if you're
4696
02:55:56,386 --> 02:55:58,428
talking about just the teen
movies, "The Breakfast Club."
4697
02:55:58,428 --> 02:56:00,050
Or I might even
put "Weird Science"
4698
02:56:00,050 --> 02:56:03,133
ahead of "The Breakfast Club,"
just because it's so out t
4699
02:56:03,133 --> 02:56:06,366
But of the entire
catalog of his directed
4700
02:56:06,366 --> 02:56:09,409
by-- his directorial body of
work, I'd give it up for, uh,
4701
02:56:09,409 --> 02:56:11,181
"She's Having a Baby."
4702
02:56:11,181 --> 02:56:11,882
Thank you.
4703
02:56:11,882 --> 02:56:14,544
Only one guy going yes.
4704
02:56:14,544 --> 02:56:15,245
Thank you.
4705
02:56:15,245 --> 02:56:16,947
KEVIN SMITH: Right on.
4706
02:56:16,947 --> 02:56:17,648
AUDIENCE: Hello.
4707
02:56:17,648 --> 02:56:19,880
Hi.
4708
02:56:19,880 --> 02:56:20,661
Hi.
4709
02:56:20,661 --> 02:56:21,361
Hi.
4710
02:56:21,361 --> 02:56:24,464
Um, I love, like stand-up
comedy and stuff like that.
4711
02:56:24,464 --> 02:56:26,607
I was just wondering if you
have any particular favorite
4712
02:56:26,607 --> 02:56:28,609
comedians and stuff
like that, that you
4713
02:56:28,609 --> 02:56:31,331
like to see or watch or--
4714
02:56:31,331 --> 02:56:32,192
Or stuff like that.
4715
02:56:32,192 --> 02:56:33,954
Or stuff like that.
4716
02:56:33,954 --> 02:56:39,469
Um, Sam Kinison, George
Carlin, Chris Rock, David Cross.
4717
02:56:39,469 --> 02:56:41,271
Those are the people
that I really dig.
4718
02:56:41,271 --> 02:56:42,963
Um, what's his name?
4719
02:56:42,963 --> 02:56:45,415
Bill Hicks, no longer with us
4720
02:56:45,415 --> 02:56:47,868
[APPLAUSE]
4721
02:56:47,868 --> 02:56:49,820
Um, so people like that.
4722
02:56:49,820 --> 02:56:52,102
The older Bill Cosby
stuff I really get into.
4723
02:56:52,102 --> 02:56:53,804
Like, did you ever hear
that album, "To Russell,
4724
02:56:53,804 --> 02:56:55,405
My Brother, whom I Slept With?"
4725
02:56:55,405 --> 02:56:56,106
No.
4726
02:56:56,106 --> 02:56:58,398
Such a-- I mean, it sounds
dirty, but it's so not.
4727
02:56:58,398 --> 02:56:59,099
It's brilliant.
4728
02:56:59,099 --> 02:57:02,162
It's like 35-minute bit, one
whole half-side of a record
4729
02:57:02,162 --> 02:57:04,264
back when they made records.
4730
02:57:04,264 --> 02:57:06,106
That was essentially
about two brothers
4731
02:57:06,106 --> 02:57:07,347
trying to go to sleep at night.
4732
02:57:07,347 --> 02:57:08,899
Really, really fucking funny.
4733
02:57:08,899 --> 02:57:13,133
He was great when he
wasn't selling Jell-O.
4734
02:57:13,133 --> 02:57:16,046
And Jay, if he's
paying attention.
4735
02:57:16,046 --> 02:57:19,930
[LAUGHTER]
4736
02:57:19,930 --> 02:57:21,431
Evidently not.
4737
02:57:21,431 --> 02:57:23,233
Favorite comedians?
4738
02:57:23,233 --> 02:57:26,677
Oh, come on.
4739
02:57:26,677 --> 02:57:27,477
I don't have a favorite.
4740
02:57:27,477 --> 02:57:28,408
I like David Cross a lot.
4741
02:57:28,408 --> 02:57:29,940
That's who I've been
listening with him a lot.
4742
02:57:29,940 --> 02:57:31,982
But I'm not one to
listen to comedians,
4743
02:57:31,982 --> 02:57:33,483
like on tape and stuff.
4744
02:57:33,483 --> 02:57:36,006
And watch on HBO.
4745
02:57:36,006 --> 02:57:37,527
I'm not into comedians too much.
4746
02:57:37,527 --> 02:57:38,228
AUDIENCE: OK.
4747
02:57:38,228 --> 02:57:39,680
Fair enough.
4748
02:57:39,680 --> 02:57:40,771
Thank you.
4749
02:57:40,771 --> 02:57:42,572
JASON MEWES: Quick, right?
4750
02:57:42,572 --> 02:57:43,834
She's like, fair enough.
4751
02:57:43,834 --> 02:57:44,534
I know.
4752
02:57:44,534 --> 02:57:46,576
Both of them are like, fuck him.
4753
02:57:46,576 --> 02:57:47,878
I don't know.
4754
02:57:47,878 --> 02:57:48,608
Hey, Kevin.
4755
02:57:48,608 --> 02:57:49,479
Hi, Jay.
KEVIN SMITH: Hey.
4756
02:57:49,479 --> 02:57:50,180
JASON MEWES: Hey.
4757
02:57:50,180 --> 02:57:52,002
This is one for
both of you, really.
4758
02:57:52,002 --> 02:57:54,394
Um, if "Clerks" had
never been made,
4759
02:57:54,394 --> 02:57:56,466
what do you think you'd
be doing right now?
4760
02:57:56,466 --> 02:57:59,029
Sucking dick.
4761
02:57:59,029 --> 02:58:00,831
Well, I was going to say
Kevin could probably-- Kevin
4762
02:58:00,831 --> 02:58:03,043
could probably pimp you out.
4763
02:58:03,043 --> 02:58:05,726
But, um, did you have
any career plans,
4764
02:58:05,726 --> 02:58:08,198
or was anybody bugging you
to go to college, like Dante
4765
02:58:08,198 --> 02:58:08,929
or anything like that?
4766
02:58:08,929 --> 02:58:10,731
Still don't.
4767
02:58:10,731 --> 02:58:12,542
Still lacking a career plan.
4768
02:58:12,542 --> 02:58:13,784
I probably would
have-- still working
4769
02:58:13,784 --> 02:58:15,355
at that convenience
store, because it
4770
02:58:15,355 --> 02:58:16,997
was a really good gig.
4771
02:58:16,997 --> 02:58:20,470
Really good, easy
gig that I dug doing.
4772
02:58:20,470 --> 02:58:23,593
But, uh, that was it.
4773
02:58:23,593 --> 02:58:24,654
JASON MEWES: I was roofing.
4774
02:58:24,654 --> 02:58:27,287
I was putting roofs
on houses, so I'd
4775
02:58:27,287 --> 02:58:28,188
probably be doing the same.
4776
02:58:28,188 --> 02:58:29,840
Or sucking dick, I don't know.
4777
02:58:29,840 --> 02:58:31,111
KEVIN SMITH: I think
it's cute the you
4778
02:58:31,111 --> 02:58:32,532
were like, I was roofing.
4779
02:58:32,532 --> 02:58:34,895
And then you were like,
let me explain roofing
4780
02:58:34,895 --> 02:58:36,937
to these-- to these idiots.
4781
02:58:36,937 --> 02:58:38,208
I was--
JASON MEWES: No, no, no.
4782
02:58:38,208 --> 02:58:39,539
KEVIN SMITH: --putting
roofs on houses.
4783
02:58:39,539 --> 02:58:40,841
JASON MEWES: No,
I'm-- no, listen.
4784
02:58:40,841 --> 02:58:41,541
You dumb fucks.
4785
02:58:41,541 --> 02:58:42,372
You ain't got roofs here.
4786
02:58:42,372 --> 02:58:43,523
I'm not saying that at all.
4787
02:58:43,523 --> 02:58:45,165
But I'm saying when I say
that to people, they'll
4788
02:58:45,165 --> 02:58:45,986
be like roofer.
4789
02:58:45,986 --> 02:58:47,067
What do you mean?
4790
02:58:47,067 --> 02:58:47,808
Really?
4791
02:58:47,808 --> 02:58:49,569
I bet there's a few people
that were like roofer.
4792
02:58:49,569 --> 02:58:51,501
What-- so I was explaining.
4793
02:58:51,501 --> 02:58:53,273
Was anybody confused by that?
4794
02:58:53,273 --> 02:58:53,974
No?
4795
02:58:53,974 --> 02:58:55,345
Well--
4796
02:58:55,345 --> 02:58:56,116
They're British, dude.
4797
02:58:56,116 --> 02:58:57,247
They're way smarter.
4798
02:58:57,247 --> 02:58:58,398
They are, aren't they?
4799
02:58:58,398 --> 02:59:00,240
Super intelligent.
4800
02:59:00,240 --> 02:59:00,941
Fuck.
4801
02:59:04,975 --> 02:59:05,675
Thanks.
4802
02:59:05,675 --> 02:59:06,897
Thank you.
4803
02:59:06,897 --> 02:59:07,727
You got a question?
4804
02:59:10,961 --> 02:59:12,452
Can somebody-- you want mine?
4805
02:59:12,452 --> 02:59:16,416
[LAUGHTER]
4806
02:59:22,332 --> 02:59:23,033
Kevin.
4807
02:59:23,033 --> 02:59:24,164
KEVIN SMITH: Sir.
4808
02:59:24,164 --> 02:59:27,037
Was, it, uh, a turn-on
shooting Jen for "Playboy,"
4809
02:59:27,037 --> 02:59:29,069
or was it distracting?
4810
02:59:29,069 --> 02:59:31,501
And what did, uh, Jason
think of the pictures?
4811
02:59:35,896 --> 02:59:38,278
Um, for those
uninitiated or don't know,
4812
02:59:38,278 --> 02:59:42,082
I shot my wife for "Playboy,"
for the 50th anniversary
4813
02:59:42,082 --> 02:59:42,943
issue of "Playboy."
4814
02:59:42,943 --> 02:59:43,974
They had a bunch of directors.
4815
02:59:43,974 --> 02:59:46,867
They asked them to shoot
their idea of eroticism.
4816
02:59:46,867 --> 02:59:48,198
Something erotic.
4817
02:59:48,198 --> 02:59:51,221
So I was like, well, what's
more erotic than my old lady?
4818
02:59:51,221 --> 02:59:53,373
Because she's the one
that does all the fucking.
4819
02:59:53,373 --> 02:59:56,106
So um, you know, I asked them.
4820
02:59:56,106 --> 02:59:57,868
I was just like, well,
I'd like to shoot my wife
4821
02:59:57,868 --> 02:59:58,708
if that's cool with you.
4822
02:59:58,708 --> 03:00:01,221
And they were-- you know,
they were like, well, um,
4823
03:00:01,221 --> 03:00:04,594
can-- well, can we
see a picture of her?
4824
03:00:04,594 --> 03:00:06,686
Because they looked at
me and they were like--
4825
03:00:06,686 --> 03:00:09,599
[LAUGHTER]
4826
03:00:09,599 --> 03:00:10,360
I don't know.
4827
03:00:10,360 --> 03:00:12,652
What chick would fuck him?
4828
03:00:12,652 --> 03:00:14,084
And then they saw a
picture, like, oh, yes.
4829
03:00:14,084 --> 03:00:15,055
You can shoot her.
4830
03:00:15,055 --> 03:00:16,136
Of course, she's very lovely.
4831
03:00:16,136 --> 03:00:17,057
You know?
4832
03:00:17,057 --> 03:00:18,808
So I got the go-ahead and shit.
4833
03:00:18,808 --> 03:00:21,791
And I asked Jen and you know,
I thought she'd be like, you're
4834
03:00:21,791 --> 03:00:22,722
out of your fucking mind.
4835
03:00:22,722 --> 03:00:25,916
I was just like, so I'm doing
this thing for "Playboy"
4836
03:00:25,916 --> 03:00:29,269
and I can shoot, uh, any--
anything I want as long
4837
03:00:29,269 --> 03:00:31,021
as-- And she's like, I'm in.
4838
03:00:31,021 --> 03:00:32,482
And I was like, you
want to be in it?
4839
03:00:32,482 --> 03:00:33,353
She's like, oh, god.
4840
03:00:33,353 --> 03:00:34,054
Yes.
4841
03:00:34,054 --> 03:00:35,075
That would be so hot.
4842
03:00:35,075 --> 03:00:35,976
Me in "Playboy?"
4843
03:00:35,976 --> 03:00:37,547
That'd be awesome.
4844
03:00:37,547 --> 03:00:38,598
I was like, really?
4845
03:00:38,598 --> 03:00:40,090
You don't feel it's
like-- you know,
4846
03:00:40,090 --> 03:00:42,092
because my wife is
a real man-hater.
4847
03:00:42,092 --> 03:00:43,833
Total hates fucking
men, which is
4848
03:00:43,833 --> 03:00:46,636
why she married a dude with
the smallest dick imaginable.
4849
03:00:46,636 --> 03:00:49,559
But she really
fucking hates guys.
4850
03:00:49,559 --> 03:00:52,592
And she's so insanely
pro-women and shit.
4851
03:00:52,592 --> 03:00:54,414
And you know, we can't
even really get into porn
4852
03:00:54,414 --> 03:00:56,066
anymore and shit
because, you know,
4853
03:00:56,066 --> 03:00:57,577
porn kind of degrades women.
4854
03:00:57,577 --> 03:01:00,410
That's what she says.
4855
03:01:00,410 --> 03:01:02,802
[SIGH]
4856
03:01:02,802 --> 03:01:04,614
So I was like, but
you-- but you will
4857
03:01:04,614 --> 03:01:05,655
do-- you'll be in "Playboy?"
4858
03:01:05,655 --> 03:01:06,836
You don't find it degrading?
4859
03:01:06,836 --> 03:01:08,218
She goes, of, fuck no.
4860
03:01:08,218 --> 03:01:09,809
They'll make me look hot.
4861
03:01:09,809 --> 03:01:13,563
And I was like, well, never
fathom the female mind.
4862
03:01:13,563 --> 03:01:15,305
She's like, it is
kind of complex.
4863
03:01:15,305 --> 03:01:19,189
So, um-- so we, uh, tried
to come up with a scenario.
4864
03:01:19,189 --> 03:01:23,863
And, um, my first idea for what
I thought was erotic involving
4865
03:01:23,863 --> 03:01:28,278
Jen was-- I guess it wasn't
met with a resounding fucking
4866
03:01:28,278 --> 03:01:28,979
woo-hoo.
4867
03:01:28,979 --> 03:01:31,081
Like I told her about it and she
was like, how do you-- what do
4868
03:01:31,081 --> 03:01:31,972
you want to do?
4869
03:01:31,972 --> 03:01:34,965
I was like here's my
idea of erotic photo.
4870
03:01:34,965 --> 03:01:38,048
It's you wearing glasses.
4871
03:01:38,048 --> 03:01:41,781
You're dressed up in a
graduation cap and gown.
4872
03:01:41,781 --> 03:01:44,524
You've got one diploma in
one hand and the other hand
4873
03:01:44,524 --> 03:01:45,655
you're just throwing
up in the air
4874
03:01:45,655 --> 03:01:48,949
and the robe is
just kind of open.
4875
03:01:48,949 --> 03:01:53,253
And she was like, what the
fuck are you talking about?
4876
03:01:53,253 --> 03:01:54,404
And I was like, I don't know.
4877
03:01:54,404 --> 03:01:56,806
It's the first time
that came to my mind.
4878
03:01:56,806 --> 03:01:58,168
She's like, you
want me to dress up
4879
03:01:58,168 --> 03:02:00,270
like a fucking college
graduate with glasses
4880
03:02:00,270 --> 03:02:02,672
and-- why is that sexy?
4881
03:02:02,672 --> 03:02:05,555
I was like, I don't know.
4882
03:02:05,555 --> 03:02:07,137
Because I never
graduated college.
4883
03:02:07,137 --> 03:02:08,148
I don't know.
4884
03:02:08,148 --> 03:02:10,210
It was the first-- she's
like, we're not doing that.
4885
03:02:10,210 --> 03:02:11,671
I was like, all right.
4886
03:02:11,671 --> 03:02:13,533
I was like, what if
you dress up like Jay
4887
03:02:13,533 --> 03:02:16,947
and I'll be Silent Bob?
4888
03:02:16,947 --> 03:02:20,680
And then she kind of
dissected that for a few hours
4889
03:02:20,680 --> 03:02:22,742
as to why I would
want to do that.
4890
03:02:22,742 --> 03:02:25,675
I think you have some unresolved
issues with your friend, Kevin.
4891
03:02:30,890 --> 03:02:31,992
So the third time is a charm.
4892
03:02:31,992 --> 03:02:32,862
I was like, you know what?
4893
03:02:32,862 --> 03:02:33,563
Fuck it.
4894
03:02:33,563 --> 03:02:35,415
You use to be a
newspaper reporter.
4895
03:02:35,415 --> 03:02:38,158
Because when I met Jen, she was
a journalist at "USA Today."
4896
03:02:38,158 --> 03:02:39,609
She interviewed me.
4897
03:02:39,609 --> 03:02:40,310
That's how we met.
4898
03:02:40,310 --> 03:02:43,953
So I was like, what if-- what
if you were Lois Lane and we
4899
03:02:43,953 --> 03:02:45,795
have Superman in
the photo with you?
4900
03:02:45,795 --> 03:02:47,517
And he's kind of holding
you sexily from behind.
4901
03:02:47,517 --> 03:02:49,759
And your skirt's blowing
up and shit like that.
4902
03:02:49,759 --> 03:02:51,201
And she was like, you
want some other dude
4903
03:02:51,201 --> 03:02:53,453
to be in the picture with me?
4904
03:02:53,453 --> 03:02:54,404
And I was like, yeah.
4905
03:02:54,404 --> 03:02:58,288
And she's like, well, why don't
you just put on the tights?
4906
03:02:58,288 --> 03:03:02,012
And I was like, think
about what you just said.
4907
03:03:02,012 --> 03:03:04,344
And she's like, it just means
that if you stand behind me
4908
03:03:04,344 --> 03:03:06,756
in those tights, I'll
look infinitely sexier
4909
03:03:06,756 --> 03:03:08,728
than I-- than I would normally.
4910
03:03:08,728 --> 03:03:10,510
And I was like, no, I'm
not going to do that.
4911
03:03:10,510 --> 03:03:11,741
I said, we'll get
some dude to do it.
4912
03:03:11,741 --> 03:03:13,173
She's like, I'm not
going to be comfortable
4913
03:03:13,173 --> 03:03:14,234
being held by some guy.
4914
03:03:14,234 --> 03:03:16,636
I was like, trust me,
all male models are gay.
4915
03:03:16,636 --> 03:03:18,538
So you know, you don't have
to worry about anything.
4916
03:03:18,538 --> 03:03:20,340
It's not like the dude's
going to put the moves on you
4917
03:03:20,340 --> 03:03:21,071
and shit.
4918
03:03:21,071 --> 03:03:23,383
So she was like, all right.
4919
03:03:23,383 --> 03:03:24,894
So we hit "Playboy" up with it.
4920
03:03:24,894 --> 03:03:26,556
And "Playboy" was just
like, yeah, totally.
4921
03:03:26,556 --> 03:03:27,467
Fuck it.
That's what you want to do?
4922
03:03:27,467 --> 03:03:28,638
We'll build a set and shit.
4923
03:03:28,638 --> 03:03:33,903
And, uh, we went to the studio
in Santa Monica to shoot it.
4924
03:03:33,903 --> 03:03:36,436
And you know, on
the drive there,
4925
03:03:36,436 --> 03:03:37,347
she was like, I'm nervous.
4926
03:03:37,347 --> 03:03:38,588
I'm really nervous.
4927
03:03:38,588 --> 03:03:41,041
I was like, well, you
know, we'll get over it.
4928
03:03:41,041 --> 03:03:42,182
She's like, what's
this "we" shit?
4929
03:03:42,182 --> 03:03:43,323
You have clothes on.
4930
03:03:43,323 --> 03:03:46,856
And I was like, well, what
would be-- you want to pick
4931
03:03:46,856 --> 03:03:48,088
up like a bottle of wine?
4932
03:03:48,088 --> 03:03:50,150
She's like, a bottle?
4933
03:03:50,150 --> 03:03:51,981
Four.
4934
03:03:51,981 --> 03:03:53,353
So, you know, we
picked up some wine
4935
03:03:53,353 --> 03:03:54,424
and went to the studio and shit.
4936
03:03:54,424 --> 03:03:56,746
And then they spent like three
hours doing makeup because they
4937
03:03:56,746 --> 03:03:58,528
do your entire body and shit.
4938
03:03:58,528 --> 03:03:59,499
Not mine.
4939
03:03:59,499 --> 03:04:00,320
Hers.
4940
03:04:00,320 --> 03:04:02,692
And, um-- and so, you
know, I was walking around
4941
03:04:02,692 --> 03:04:03,863
kind of looking at our set.
4942
03:04:03,863 --> 03:04:06,136
They built us a rooftop
and shit like that.
4943
03:04:06,136 --> 03:04:08,168
Checking things out
while she got ready.
4944
03:04:08,168 --> 03:04:09,699
And then we went
through wardrobe,
4945
03:04:09,699 --> 03:04:11,661
picking out the wardrobe,
which was so funny.
4946
03:04:11,661 --> 03:04:13,333
I couldn't believe they
had a wardrobe department.
4947
03:04:13,333 --> 03:04:14,184
I'm like, it's "Playboy."
4948
03:04:14,184 --> 03:04:17,237
There shouldn't be any
wardrobe, you know?
4949
03:04:17,237 --> 03:04:19,329
So we figured out what she
was going to wear and shit.
4950
03:04:19,329 --> 03:04:22,142
And then came to
take the picture.
4951
03:04:22,142 --> 03:04:25,975
Suddenly, it comes time to
kind of get the gear off.
4952
03:04:25,975 --> 03:04:27,387
And we did it in phases.
4953
03:04:27,387 --> 03:04:30,130
Like at first, it was just
kind of a transparent bra
4954
03:04:30,130 --> 03:04:31,751
and like panties.
4955
03:04:31,751 --> 03:04:33,133
And then the skirt.
4956
03:04:33,133 --> 03:04:34,554
And then lost the panties.
4957
03:04:34,554 --> 03:04:37,597
And then just got
down to the business.
4958
03:04:37,597 --> 03:04:41,941
So about a bottle of wine in,
which would be about an hour
4959
03:04:41,941 --> 03:04:45,985
into the photo session, it--
all the inhibitions fall away.
4960
03:04:45,985 --> 03:04:48,588
Like at first, we'd
take shots and then
4961
03:04:48,588 --> 03:04:50,610
there's like 12 shots per roll.
4962
03:04:50,610 --> 03:04:53,803
And then between each--
we'd change a role.
4963
03:04:53,803 --> 03:04:55,485
Dude would come
out and put a robe
4964
03:04:55,485 --> 03:04:56,656
on the chick-- wardrobe chick.
4965
03:04:56,656 --> 03:04:58,448
Put a robe on her
and stuff like that.
4966
03:04:58,448 --> 03:05:00,630
About an hour into the
session, a bottle of wine
4967
03:05:00,630 --> 03:05:02,302
later, she's like fuck
the robe, you know?
4968
03:05:02,302 --> 03:05:04,894
And she's just strolling
around fucking naked.
4969
03:05:04,894 --> 03:05:06,376
Which was pretty fucking hot.
4970
03:05:06,376 --> 03:05:08,428
And, um, the whole thing
was kind of a turn-on
4971
03:05:08,428 --> 03:05:09,479
because it's naughty, right?
4972
03:05:09,479 --> 03:05:11,931
Because nobody's supposed to
be seeing your wife naked.
4973
03:05:11,931 --> 03:05:13,853
And you're surrounded by all
these fucking people looking
4974
03:05:13,853 --> 03:05:14,924
at your naked wife and shit.
4975
03:05:14,924 --> 03:05:18,037
But the thing is these dudes who
work at "Playboy," the guys who
4976
03:05:18,037 --> 03:05:21,231
like do the scenery, and
run the smoke machine
4977
03:05:21,231 --> 03:05:23,133
and shit like that,
and set up the camera,
4978
03:05:23,133 --> 03:05:25,645
they see naked women
every fucking day.
4979
03:05:25,645 --> 03:05:28,468
And oddly enough, have
become inured to it.
4980
03:05:28,468 --> 03:05:30,220
You know, like it doesn't
turn them on anymore.
4981
03:05:30,220 --> 03:05:31,131
They're just like, right.
4982
03:05:31,131 --> 03:05:31,871
Tits.
4983
03:05:31,871 --> 03:05:34,023
Just doesn't do it
for them anymore.
4984
03:05:34,023 --> 03:05:36,496
But every once in a while,
I would catch one of them
4985
03:05:36,496 --> 03:05:38,047
fucking taking a peek and shit.
4986
03:05:38,047 --> 03:05:40,220
Like they're all professional
and shit doing their job.
4987
03:05:40,220 --> 03:05:42,802
But every once in a while, I'd
see one fucking fixing a light.
4988
03:05:42,802 --> 03:05:46,966
And Jen's over there and he'd
be like-- then look at me
4989
03:05:46,966 --> 03:05:50,320
and he'd be like, right on.
4990
03:05:50,320 --> 03:05:51,651
So I was like, right on.
4991
03:05:51,651 --> 03:05:55,455
So, um-- so when we--
we did the photo shoot.
4992
03:05:55,455 --> 03:05:58,288
And-- and, uh-- you know,
I was getting incredibly
4993
03:05:58,288 --> 03:06:00,550
turned on by the whole thing.
4994
03:06:00,550 --> 03:06:02,262
So I hit her up at one point.
I was like, how you doing?
4995
03:06:02,262 --> 03:06:03,233
How you feeling?
She's like, I don't know.
4996
03:06:03,233 --> 03:06:04,434
It's kind of-- how does it look?
4997
03:06:04,434 --> 03:06:05,605
I was like, it
looks fucking great.
4998
03:06:05,605 --> 03:06:06,876
It looks really great.
4999
03:06:06,876 --> 03:06:08,278
You look hot.
5000
03:06:08,278 --> 03:06:10,670
Damn not.
5001
03:06:10,670 --> 03:06:13,002
You want to go in the bathroom?
5002
03:06:13,002 --> 03:06:14,344
And she was like, what?
5003
03:06:14,344 --> 03:06:16,055
I was like, [MUMBLING].
5004
03:06:16,055 --> 03:06:20,580
We got 5 minutes between shots.
5005
03:06:20,580 --> 03:06:22,872
Let's do some
shooting of our own.
5006
03:06:22,872 --> 03:06:24,384
And she was like,
you're serious?
5007
03:06:24,384 --> 03:06:26,526
You want to go in the bathroom
and fuck so that you're fucking
5008
03:06:26,526 --> 03:06:27,517
leaking out of me on film?
5009
03:06:33,943 --> 03:06:35,064
For all posterity.
5010
03:06:35,064 --> 03:06:37,126
So when our kids
sees this picture
5011
03:06:37,126 --> 03:06:38,598
fucking 20 years
from now, there's
5012
03:06:38,598 --> 03:06:40,260
you running down my leg.
5013
03:06:40,260 --> 03:06:43,122
Is that what you want?
5014
03:06:43,122 --> 03:06:46,706
I was like, well, not anymore.
5015
03:06:46,706 --> 03:06:48,288
So we got through the
photo shoot and shit.
5016
03:06:48,288 --> 03:06:50,210
And then eventually, you
know, picked the shots.
5017
03:06:50,210 --> 03:06:51,391
And they ran the shots and shit.
5018
03:06:51,391 --> 03:06:55,104
And-- I have an issue of
"Playboy" with my wife in it.
5019
03:06:55,104 --> 03:06:58,207
Which was really, really
fucking quite cool.
5020
03:06:58,207 --> 03:06:59,779
You know, to just be
flipping through and like,
5021
03:06:59,779 --> 03:07:03,403
oh my god, there's my wife
naked being held by Superman.
5022
03:07:03,403 --> 03:07:05,715
Rather sexy, I thought.
5023
03:07:05,715 --> 03:07:07,987
And, um, came in
incredibly useful.
5024
03:07:07,987 --> 03:07:11,841
Because my wife is-- Jen's
not a morning person.
5025
03:07:11,841 --> 03:07:12,942
Um, I am.
5026
03:07:12,942 --> 03:07:14,994
Like every guy, I wake
up fucking rock hard
5027
03:07:14,994 --> 03:07:17,026
with the best boner of the day.
5028
03:07:17,026 --> 03:07:19,499
Like the one that
could cut glass.
5029
03:07:19,499 --> 03:07:21,301
The one that could break rocks.
5030
03:07:21,301 --> 03:07:22,462
The impressive one.
5031
03:07:22,462 --> 03:07:23,633
The one where you
just want to call
5032
03:07:23,633 --> 03:07:26,296
people up, like come-- come
over and look at-- hold on.
5033
03:07:26,296 --> 03:07:28,258
Ready?
5034
03:07:28,258 --> 03:07:30,089
The fucking-- the boner
to end all boners.
5035
03:07:30,089 --> 03:07:31,911
And every other boner that
you get throughout the rest
5036
03:07:31,911 --> 03:07:33,112
of the day, any
time you get fucking
5037
03:07:33,112 --> 03:07:35,044
hard, just not the same thing.
5038
03:07:35,044 --> 03:07:37,827
It's just not as fucking
impressive, you know?
5039
03:07:37,827 --> 03:07:39,289
Just-- it's fine.
5040
03:07:39,289 --> 03:07:40,330
It gets the job done.
5041
03:07:40,330 --> 03:07:43,172
But it's just not the
fucking-- it's not the bomb,
5042
03:07:43,172 --> 03:07:44,694
like the morning rod is.
5043
03:07:44,694 --> 03:07:47,216
Or you call it piss boner.
5044
03:07:47,216 --> 03:07:50,320
Because it's the one where
you got to piss real bad.
5045
03:07:50,320 --> 03:07:52,622
But you'd get shit done
before you take a piss
5046
03:07:52,622 --> 03:07:54,354
because it's that impressive.
5047
03:07:54,354 --> 03:07:59,158
It's shit where you're just
chipping into marble walls.
5048
03:07:59,158 --> 03:08:01,311
So like every man,
I'm kind of a-- I,
5049
03:08:01,311 --> 03:08:02,972
you know, early
morning riser and shit.
5050
03:08:02,972 --> 03:08:05,615
And, you know, I learned
very quickly that Jen is not.
5051
03:08:05,615 --> 03:08:08,808
She's more of an afternoon
delight kind of person.
5052
03:08:08,808 --> 03:08:11,301
So in the morning, I'll wake up
and, you know, nudge forward.
5053
03:08:11,301 --> 03:08:13,212
And she's like, ugh.
5054
03:08:13,212 --> 03:08:14,233
I'm like, right on.
5055
03:08:14,233 --> 03:08:16,706
And, um-- so, you
know, I usually
5056
03:08:16,706 --> 03:08:19,058
have to wait till about fucking
2 o'clock before she gets
5057
03:08:19,058 --> 03:08:20,279
her motor running and shit.
5058
03:08:20,279 --> 03:08:22,812
And then she me while
I'm fucking knee
5059
03:08:22,812 --> 03:08:24,644
deep on my website and whatnot.
5060
03:08:24,644 --> 03:08:27,417
Our timing tends to
be off sometimes.
5061
03:08:27,417 --> 03:08:31,341
So suddenly, I had this magazine
with my wife naked in it.
5062
03:08:31,341 --> 03:08:33,182
Which is cool because I
found that after I got
5063
03:08:33,182 --> 03:08:34,524
married, like I
really dig my wife
5064
03:08:34,524 --> 03:08:36,976
I'm really, really into her,
just kind of-- I love her.
5065
03:08:36,976 --> 03:08:37,757
I think she's amazing.
5066
03:08:37,757 --> 03:08:40,199
I think she's this weird enigma
that I got to figure out.
5067
03:08:40,199 --> 03:08:41,991
I got 50 years to
figure her out.
5068
03:08:41,991 --> 03:08:44,474
So far, not doing well at all.
5069
03:08:44,474 --> 03:08:45,705
Fucking puzzle.
5070
03:08:45,705 --> 03:08:47,987
Um, but-- but I kind of dig her.
5071
03:08:47,987 --> 03:08:50,650
And I find her very
sexually captivating.
5072
03:08:50,650 --> 03:08:52,912
So much so that I got
married and I really stopped
5073
03:08:52,912 --> 03:08:53,963
thinking about other chicks.
5074
03:08:53,963 --> 03:08:56,696
Other chicks just kind of
stopped existing and shit.
5075
03:08:56,696 --> 03:08:59,268
And I just kind of became really
focused and fixated on her.
5076
03:08:59,268 --> 03:09:01,260
Almost really obsessed with her.
5077
03:09:01,260 --> 03:09:02,191
Um, her body.
5078
03:09:02,191 --> 03:09:04,193
And when I think about
sex, I think about her.
5079
03:09:04,193 --> 03:09:05,965
So much so I'll go
to an internet site
5080
03:09:05,965 --> 03:09:07,457
and try to check out
some porn and shit.
5081
03:09:07,457 --> 03:09:10,700
And I'm like, you
call this sexy?
5082
03:09:10,700 --> 03:09:11,821
Well, it's a little sexy.
5083
03:09:11,821 --> 03:09:12,902
But-- you know.
5084
03:09:12,902 --> 03:09:13,733
But not for me.
5085
03:09:13,733 --> 03:09:15,845
So I'm just really not into it.
5086
03:09:15,845 --> 03:09:19,469
So any tie I wind
up, like jerking off,
5087
03:09:19,469 --> 03:09:22,131
um, I'd wind up
thinking about her.
5088
03:09:22,131 --> 03:09:24,594
And suddenly I had a picture.
5089
03:09:24,594 --> 03:09:27,627
So I wake up in
the morning, grab
5090
03:09:27,627 --> 03:09:29,489
my "Playboy," go
to the bathroom,
5091
03:09:29,489 --> 03:09:33,523
snap one off, start my day.
5092
03:09:33,523 --> 03:09:34,333
It was a great way.
5093
03:09:34,333 --> 03:09:36,255
Then I'd stop bothering her
in the morning, you know,
5094
03:09:36,255 --> 03:09:36,956
and shit.
5095
03:09:36,956 --> 03:09:39,449
I had this beautiful, fucking
boner to deal with and had
5096
03:09:39,449 --> 03:09:40,600
the image to go along with.
5097
03:09:40,600 --> 03:09:42,512
And suddenly, I-- you know,
I was like, this is great.
5098
03:09:42,512 --> 03:09:45,775
Why didn't I shoot my
wife naked years ago?
5099
03:09:45,775 --> 03:09:48,297
It would solve so
many fucking problems.
5100
03:09:48,297 --> 03:09:50,199
I wouldn't be nudging her
in the morning, you know?
5101
03:09:50,199 --> 03:09:51,801
And I wouldn't be like
sitting there going,
5102
03:09:51,801 --> 03:09:53,613
what do I do with this?
5103
03:09:53,613 --> 03:09:55,184
I figured out what
to do with it.
5104
03:09:55,184 --> 03:09:58,908
So, um, one morning I came
back from the bathroom
5105
03:09:58,908 --> 03:10:00,920
and she's like waking
up at the same time.
5106
03:10:00,920 --> 03:10:01,931
And she's like, good morning.
5107
03:10:01,931 --> 03:10:03,513
I said, good morning.
5108
03:10:03,513 --> 03:10:04,554
And she's like, what?
5109
03:10:04,554 --> 03:10:06,145
What are you holding?
5110
03:10:06,145 --> 03:10:07,356
I was like, what?
5111
03:10:07,356 --> 03:10:08,057
This?
5112
03:10:08,057 --> 03:10:10,770
Uh, "Playboy."
5113
03:10:10,770 --> 03:10:12,542
She's like, is
that my "Playboy?"
5114
03:10:12,542 --> 03:10:13,443
I was like, yeah.
5115
03:10:13,443 --> 03:10:15,415
I was just, uh,
reading the articles.
5116
03:10:18,788 --> 03:10:22,131
And she's like, were you
jerking off to my "Playboy?"
5117
03:10:22,131 --> 03:10:24,193
I said, jerking off.
5118
03:10:24,193 --> 03:10:27,757
What a-- yes.
5119
03:10:27,757 --> 03:10:29,258
She's going, why?
5120
03:10:29,258 --> 03:10:30,379
I was like, [MUMBLING].
5121
03:10:30,379 --> 03:10:31,310
You know?
5122
03:10:31,310 --> 03:10:32,251
She's like, you, idiot.
5123
03:10:32,251 --> 03:10:34,333
You can fuck me.
5124
03:10:34,333 --> 03:10:36,616
Why are you jerking
off to pictures of me?
5125
03:10:36,616 --> 03:10:38,357
You could fuck me
any time you want.
5126
03:10:38,357 --> 03:10:41,791
I was like, yeah, but
not till like 2 o'clock.
5127
03:10:41,791 --> 03:10:44,754
So it became this
kind of useful tool.
5128
03:10:44,754 --> 03:10:46,526
Aside from being
able to kind of shoot
5129
03:10:46,526 --> 03:10:48,508
her and-- and have something.
5130
03:10:48,508 --> 03:10:50,450
Because they-- you really
buy-in to the "Playboy"
5131
03:10:50,450 --> 03:10:51,451
mythos when you get there.
5132
03:10:51,451 --> 03:10:53,763
Because they're just like,
all the play-- you know,
5133
03:10:53,763 --> 03:10:56,546
"Playboy" bunnies have loved
these photo shoots because they
5134
03:10:56,546 --> 03:10:58,047
have something to
look back on years
5135
03:10:58,047 --> 03:10:59,719
later to see how
beautiful they looked
5136
03:10:59,719 --> 03:11:01,310
at that time of their life.
5137
03:11:01,310 --> 03:11:03,533
Which is, you know, a weird way
of saying when they get old,
5138
03:11:03,533 --> 03:11:05,344
they're fucking ready to
put a shotgun in their mouth
5139
03:11:05,344 --> 03:11:07,827
because they don't
look like this anymore.
5140
03:11:07,827 --> 03:11:09,268
But, uh, she bought-in
to it right away.
5141
03:11:09,268 --> 03:11:10,770
She was just like, oh,
this will be so great.
5142
03:11:10,770 --> 03:11:12,301
I'll be able to look at
myself years from now
5143
03:11:12,301 --> 03:11:13,242
and see what I look like.
5144
03:11:13,242 --> 03:11:14,744
And I look so pretty.
5145
03:11:14,744 --> 03:11:17,376
And what a great time it
was and blah, blah, blah.
5146
03:11:17,376 --> 03:11:18,127
So it was cool.
5147
03:11:18,127 --> 03:11:19,388
It was a very cool thing to do.
5148
03:11:19,388 --> 03:11:20,089
Very hot.
5149
03:11:20,089 --> 03:11:21,681
And, uh, I got
something out of it.
5150
03:11:21,681 --> 03:11:24,093
Spank material.
5151
03:11:24,093 --> 03:11:25,905
And I get to fuck the
chick that I spank to.
5152
03:11:25,905 --> 03:11:27,066
I mean, that's rare.
5153
03:11:27,066 --> 03:11:29,589
Rare that you want-- I can't
tell you-- when I was a kid,
5154
03:11:29,589 --> 03:11:31,090
I used to jerk off to
"Playboy" all the time.
5155
03:11:31,090 --> 03:11:33,072
Never met one of those chicks.
5156
03:11:33,072 --> 03:11:35,264
Never got to fuck
Barbie Benton, you know?
5157
03:11:35,264 --> 03:11:37,316
Now I can look at this chick
and go in the next room.
5158
03:11:37,316 --> 03:11:40,950
And if it's like mid-afternoon,
I can probably fuck her.
5159
03:11:40,950 --> 03:11:41,651
Jason.
5160
03:11:41,651 --> 03:11:42,952
What did Jason think
of the pictures?
5161
03:11:42,952 --> 03:11:45,414
And also, is it the, uh--
is it the first time you've
5162
03:11:45,414 --> 03:11:48,788
seen either Jen or one of
Kevin's other girlfriends
5163
03:11:48,788 --> 03:11:49,488
in the past naked?
5164
03:11:49,488 --> 03:11:49,989
No.
5165
03:11:49,989 --> 03:11:50,690
I haven't looked.
5166
03:11:50,690 --> 03:11:52,421
I haven't seen Jen's picture.
5167
03:11:52,421 --> 03:11:53,923
I really won't look at it.
5168
03:11:53,923 --> 03:11:55,014
I can't look at Jen like--
5169
03:11:55,014 --> 03:11:57,727
AUDIENCE: Liar.
5170
03:11:57,727 --> 03:11:58,818
Ask-- ask Kevin.
5171
03:11:58,818 --> 03:11:59,949
He has it on his computer.
5172
03:11:59,949 --> 03:12:01,460
It's his, uh, wallpaper.
5173
03:12:01,460 --> 03:12:03,773
And I make him cover it
up before I come and look
5174
03:12:03,773 --> 03:12:05,625
at shit on his computer.
5175
03:12:05,625 --> 03:12:06,425
Ask him.
5176
03:12:06,425 --> 03:12:09,739
And there's a painting of
her in his hallway that's
5177
03:12:09,739 --> 03:12:12,121
like 7-- it's like 6 foot.
5178
03:12:12,121 --> 03:12:14,133
And that was
covered for a while,
5179
03:12:14,133 --> 03:12:16,425
but now I just-- I
go by it because it's
5180
03:12:16,425 --> 03:12:17,166
hanging in his office.
5181
03:12:17,166 --> 03:12:18,387
I can't avoid it.
5182
03:12:18,387 --> 03:12:20,129
But I don't look at her.
5183
03:12:20,129 --> 03:12:22,932
I really don't want to see it.
5184
03:12:22,932 --> 03:12:23,963
And that's serious.
5185
03:12:23,963 --> 03:12:26,656
She's the one girl--
well, maybe out of 10.
5186
03:12:26,656 --> 03:12:28,568
10 girls in the world I
wouldn't want to see naked.
5187
03:12:31,971 --> 03:12:35,234
KEVIN SMITH: You know why
he doesn't look at her?
5188
03:12:35,234 --> 03:12:36,125
Gay.
5189
03:12:36,125 --> 03:12:38,507
[LAUGHTER]
5190
03:12:38,507 --> 03:12:39,208
It's true, though.
5191
03:12:39,208 --> 03:12:41,120
He is really like-- I remember
I whipped open the issue.
5192
03:12:41,120 --> 03:12:42,151
I was like, dude, check it out.
5193
03:12:42,151 --> 03:12:42,912
He's like, what is it?
5194
03:12:42,912 --> 03:12:43,613
Oh.
5195
03:12:43,613 --> 03:12:44,624
Oh.
5196
03:12:44,624 --> 03:12:45,324
Oh.
5197
03:12:45,324 --> 03:12:49,108
Like, if fucking he had
looked into the sun.
5198
03:12:49,108 --> 03:12:49,809
It's funny.
5199
03:12:49,809 --> 03:12:52,071
He won't-- there's a
big painting and he
5200
03:12:52,071 --> 03:12:53,983
won't look at that either.
5201
03:12:53,983 --> 03:12:55,214
So if I don't want
him in the office,
5202
03:12:55,214 --> 03:12:57,006
I just put the painting
in front of the door.
5203
03:12:57,006 --> 03:12:59,408
And he's like move-- oh.
5204
03:12:59,408 --> 03:13:01,941
It's like kryptonite.
5205
03:13:01,941 --> 03:13:02,792
Why is that, though?
5206
03:13:02,792 --> 03:13:03,583
Jen's always like, why?
5207
03:13:03,583 --> 03:13:04,283
What's that matter?
5208
03:13:04,283 --> 03:13:05,214
He doesn't think I'm pretty?
5209
03:13:05,214 --> 03:13:06,265
I was like, no.
5210
03:13:06,265 --> 03:13:08,908
He just sees you like mom.
5211
03:13:08,908 --> 03:13:10,860
Nobody wants to see
mom naked, you know?
5212
03:13:19,518 --> 03:13:20,559
Yes, you got a mic.
5213
03:13:20,559 --> 03:13:21,260
AUDIENCE: Hi.
5214
03:13:21,260 --> 03:13:23,452
How did you broach the
subject with your wife
5215
03:13:23,452 --> 03:13:25,284
that, uh, the first
time you fucked
5216
03:13:25,284 --> 03:13:26,686
it would appear on a DVD?
5217
03:13:26,686 --> 03:13:27,386
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah.
5218
03:13:27,386 --> 03:13:28,307
With your bleeding cock.
5219
03:13:28,307 --> 03:13:29,578
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah I
did-- yeah, right.
5220
03:13:29,578 --> 03:13:32,491
I didn't broach the topic.
5221
03:13:32,491 --> 03:13:34,614
It was a story that
kind of, you know,
5222
03:13:34,614 --> 03:13:37,777
evolved while I was
doing Q&A and shit.
5223
03:13:37,777 --> 03:13:41,911
So, um, the first time she heard
it, she was none too thrilled.
5224
03:13:41,911 --> 03:13:44,343
If you ever saw "An
Evening with Kevin Smith,"
5225
03:13:44,343 --> 03:13:47,997
the first part, as opposed to
this being the second part,
5226
03:13:47,997 --> 03:13:51,711
"Evening Harder," um, I tell
a very long, involved story
5227
03:13:51,711 --> 03:13:53,142
about the first time
I had sex with my wife
5228
03:13:53,142 --> 03:13:55,054
and how I cut my dick open.
5229
03:13:55,054 --> 03:13:57,396
Um, but it's very romantic.
5230
03:13:57,396 --> 03:13:59,759
So the first time
she heard it, she
5231
03:13:59,759 --> 03:14:01,570
got like super-fucking pissed.
5232
03:14:01,570 --> 03:14:02,752
And she's like, oh my god.
5233
03:14:02,752 --> 03:14:05,254
Not only do you talk about
intimate details of our sex
5234
03:14:05,254 --> 03:14:07,917
life, but you say sticking
your dick in me is like putting
5235
03:14:07,917 --> 03:14:09,238
your dick in battery acid.
5236
03:14:09,238 --> 03:14:10,129
You know.
5237
03:14:10,129 --> 03:14:11,941
And I was like,
because I was cut open.
5238
03:14:11,941 --> 03:14:13,512
She's like, that doesn't
fucking matter, Kevin.
5239
03:14:13,512 --> 03:14:16,766
No woman wants her vag
referred to as battery--
5240
03:14:16,766 --> 03:14:19,799
it's like calling
it guts, you know?
5241
03:14:19,799 --> 03:14:23,062
Um, so, uh, she
wasn't too keen on it.
5242
03:14:23,062 --> 03:14:24,764
And then I didn't bother
to tell her that we
5243
03:14:24,764 --> 03:14:27,516
had recorded it for the DVD.
5244
03:14:27,516 --> 03:14:29,418
So it wasn't until a few months
after-- because you know,
5245
03:14:29,418 --> 03:14:31,841
she's seen-- she's been to the
fucking circus so many times,
5246
03:14:31,841 --> 03:14:34,123
she doesn't-- she'll
shall watch a little bit
5247
03:14:34,123 --> 03:14:35,594
of the Q&A and then fuck off.
5248
03:14:35,594 --> 03:14:37,116
Because she's like,
ugh, it's you fucking
5249
03:14:37,116 --> 03:14:38,437
up there telling stories.
5250
03:14:38,437 --> 03:14:39,839
AUDIENCE: But the--
the kind of first time
5251
03:14:39,839 --> 03:14:42,471
she actually saw it and
saw that it was on there.
5252
03:14:42,471 --> 03:14:43,883
Did she go, why?
5253
03:14:43,883 --> 03:14:45,084
Why have you fucking
put it on here?
5254
03:14:45,084 --> 03:14:45,494
Yeah.
5255
03:14:45,494 --> 03:14:46,195
Yeah.
5256
03:14:46,195 --> 03:14:48,677
And never lets me
forget to this day.
5257
03:14:48,677 --> 03:14:51,390
Still, to this day she's just
like, why-- she'll be like,
5258
03:14:51,390 --> 03:14:54,764
I have to tell you something,
but it can't wind up on a DVD.
5259
03:14:54,764 --> 03:14:59,508
[LAUGHTER]
5260
03:14:59,508 --> 03:15:01,380
Which is so weird because
most people would was just go,
5261
03:15:01,380 --> 03:15:01,961
like I got to tell
you something,
5262
03:15:01,961 --> 03:15:03,883
but you got to swear
you can't tell anybody.
5263
03:15:03,883 --> 03:15:06,816
Hers is very specific.
5264
03:15:06,816 --> 03:15:07,997
She doesn't worry
about the vagary.
5265
03:15:07,997 --> 03:15:10,950
She's just like, it
cannot wind up on a DVD.
5266
03:15:10,950 --> 03:15:12,281
Do you understand me, Kevin?
5267
03:15:12,281 --> 03:15:13,973
I'm like, yeah, I do.
5268
03:15:13,973 --> 03:15:17,226
Is it 2 o'clock yet?
5269
03:15:17,226 --> 03:15:18,818
She didn't take
too kindly to it.
5270
03:15:18,818 --> 03:15:20,339
But she's kind of
used to it by now.
5271
03:15:20,339 --> 03:15:22,041
That's why she'll come--
like she was here earlier,
5272
03:15:22,041 --> 03:15:23,042
and then she just takes off.
5273
03:15:23,042 --> 03:15:24,764
Because she's like,
I don't want to hear
5274
03:15:24,764 --> 03:15:26,455
you tell stories anymore.
5275
03:15:26,455 --> 03:15:28,677
Because sooner or later,
you're going to talk about me.
5276
03:15:28,677 --> 03:15:31,791
Like, I don't think she knows
about the "Playboy" story.
5277
03:15:31,791 --> 03:15:33,422
Probably good.
5278
03:15:33,422 --> 03:15:34,593
And then a kind
of quick question.
5279
03:15:34,593 --> 03:15:37,206
What did,uh, Jason think
about you telling the story
5280
03:15:37,206 --> 03:15:40,269
of his fuck tape with his--
5281
03:15:40,269 --> 03:15:41,020
I don't know.
5282
03:15:41,020 --> 03:15:42,641
He was-- well, I
remember like at one
5283
03:15:42,641 --> 03:15:45,464
point when he watched it, he was
just like, I had a fuck tape?
5284
03:15:45,464 --> 03:15:47,466
You know, just didn't remember.
5285
03:15:47,466 --> 03:15:49,198
There was a whole bunch of
stuff he didn't remember.
5286
03:15:49,198 --> 03:15:52,171
When we came over for
this trip he was like,
5287
03:15:52,171 --> 03:15:53,192
I've never been here before.
5288
03:15:53,192 --> 03:15:53,893
This is awesome.
5289
03:15:53,893 --> 03:15:54,994
We have been here before.
5290
03:15:54,994 --> 03:15:56,595
[LAUGHTER]
5291
03:15:56,595 --> 03:15:59,268
It was during the lost years.
5292
03:15:59,268 --> 03:16:00,609
But, uh-- so it's nice.
5293
03:16:00,609 --> 03:16:01,310
It's nice.
5294
03:16:01,310 --> 03:16:03,592
You get to re-experience
a lot of shit with him.
5295
03:16:03,592 --> 03:16:05,134
You know, it's like
he was a fucking droid
5296
03:16:05,134 --> 03:16:06,735
and he had his memory wiped.
5297
03:16:06,735 --> 03:16:08,437
So you get to do a
lot of shit twice.
5298
03:16:08,437 --> 03:16:09,618
And he's just like,
this is great.
5299
03:16:09,618 --> 03:16:10,759
I've never done this before.
5300
03:16:10,759 --> 03:16:13,232
And inside you're
like, yeah, we have.
5301
03:16:13,232 --> 03:16:15,965
It's kind of like "Groundhog
Day" a little bit.
5302
03:16:15,965 --> 03:16:17,226
But, uh, he didn't seem to care.
5303
03:16:17,226 --> 03:16:17,927
He don't care.
5304
03:16:17,927 --> 03:16:19,859
And he hasn't even watched--
he hasn't even asked to watch
5305
03:16:19,859 --> 03:16:21,360
the tape, which is so weird.
5306
03:16:21,360 --> 03:16:23,132
Because I would imagine
sooner or later he'd be like,
5307
03:16:23,132 --> 03:16:24,273
let me see that tape.
5308
03:16:24,273 --> 03:16:26,786
But no interest.
5309
03:16:26,786 --> 03:16:27,486
Thanks very much.
5310
03:16:27,486 --> 03:16:28,637
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
5311
03:16:28,637 --> 03:16:29,338
AUDIENCE: Hi.
5312
03:16:29,338 --> 03:16:29,809
Hello.
5313
03:16:29,809 --> 03:16:30,729
AUDIENCE: Oh, god.
5314
03:16:30,729 --> 03:16:31,430
Loud.
5315
03:16:31,430 --> 03:16:33,903
Um, "Jersey Girl" is quite
different in some ways
5316
03:16:33,903 --> 03:16:35,334
from your previous films.
5317
03:16:35,334 --> 03:16:36,796
And dedicated to your daughter.
5318
03:16:36,796 --> 03:16:38,467
And I was wondering
if becoming a father
5319
03:16:38,467 --> 03:16:40,820
has changed you
creatively in terms
5320
03:16:40,820 --> 03:16:44,223
of what you're interested
in doing in your work?
5321
03:16:44,223 --> 03:16:47,997
Um, you know, it hasn't
really changed me creatively.
5322
03:16:47,997 --> 03:16:50,970
I mean-- I guess in a small way.
5323
03:16:50,970 --> 03:16:53,102
I wouldn't have done "Jersey
Girl" if I didn't have a kid.
5324
03:16:53,102 --> 03:16:54,503
So for all the people
that didn't like it,
5325
03:16:54,503 --> 03:16:56,345
blame the child, you know?
5326
03:16:56,345 --> 03:16:58,567
Like, it really-- if I
didn't have a daughter,
5327
03:16:58,567 --> 03:17:00,349
I wouldn't have thought
to write that movie.
5328
03:17:00,349 --> 03:17:02,902
Um, and I started writing it
when she was about six months
5329
03:17:02,902 --> 03:17:04,683
old, or something like that.
5330
03:17:04,683 --> 03:17:06,785
So I guess that
did have an effect.
5331
03:17:06,785 --> 03:17:09,028
But I always made this promise
to myself that I would never
5332
03:17:09,028 --> 03:17:10,699
change the content of my work.
5333
03:17:10,699 --> 03:17:14,173
Or just not be me
and not do what I do,
5334
03:17:14,173 --> 03:17:15,754
just because I had a kid.
5335
03:17:15,754 --> 03:17:18,407
Like we have a very-- we're
not hypocritical in the house.
5336
03:17:18,407 --> 03:17:20,369
Like it's not like we
don't swear around the kid.
5337
03:17:20,369 --> 03:17:22,441
We're not like earmuffs,
you know, nothing like that.
5338
03:17:22,441 --> 03:17:27,096
It's just we tend to be the
same way we are around the kid
5339
03:17:27,096 --> 03:17:28,817
that we are when we're
not around the kid.
5340
03:17:28,817 --> 03:17:30,379
You know, not certain--
like I don't fuck
5341
03:17:30,379 --> 03:17:32,561
my wife while the kid looks.
5342
03:17:32,561 --> 03:17:37,026
Although that happened
once-- by accident.
5343
03:17:37,026 --> 03:17:38,217
Which was the weirdest thing.
5344
03:17:38,217 --> 03:17:40,799
Like we were going at it
really hard and heavy and shit.
5345
03:17:40,799 --> 03:17:42,471
And she, of course, was on top.
5346
03:17:42,471 --> 03:17:46,906
And, um, we're real chatty,
fucking talky lovers and shit.
5347
03:17:46,906 --> 03:17:49,168
And it's just-- not even like,
oh, you're so pretty and shit.
5348
03:17:49,168 --> 03:17:50,169
Just dirty shit.
5349
03:17:50,169 --> 03:17:51,440
Shit like, you're
fucking-- I'm having
5350
03:17:51,440 --> 03:17:53,172
me some fanny fun, bitch.
5351
03:17:56,145 --> 03:17:59,578
Just real fucking
dirty, fucking nasty,
5352
03:17:59,578 --> 03:18:01,720
nasty fucking talk and shit.
5353
03:18:01,720 --> 03:18:04,403
Where other people's
names come into and shit.
5354
03:18:04,403 --> 03:18:07,026
And like soon you're
in this weird fantasy
5355
03:18:07,026 --> 03:18:08,978
where you're fucking
a football team.
5356
03:18:08,978 --> 03:18:11,360
It's just like way
the fuck out there.
5357
03:18:11,360 --> 03:18:14,473
Just nasty, fucking, dirty shit.
5358
03:18:14,473 --> 03:18:15,184
And you know, she--
5359
03:18:15,184 --> 03:18:16,175
AUDIENCE: Any
names you'd repeat?
5360
03:18:16,175 --> 03:18:16,875
Sorry?
5361
03:18:16,875 --> 03:18:20,159
AUDIENCE: Any
names you'd repeat?
5362
03:18:20,159 --> 03:18:24,133
[LAUGHTER]
5363
03:18:26,625 --> 03:18:29,188
I've never brought
Affleck up for some reason.
5364
03:18:29,188 --> 03:18:32,061
Never thought to work
him in there and shit.
5365
03:18:32,061 --> 03:18:33,892
I should actually whip
a little Affleck on her,
5366
03:18:33,892 --> 03:18:34,593
see what she says.
5367
03:18:34,593 --> 03:18:36,455
So there's one thing you
wouldn't cast him in then?
5368
03:18:36,455 --> 03:18:38,767
[LAUGHTER]
5369
03:18:38,767 --> 03:18:39,838
There is one thing.
5370
03:18:39,838 --> 03:18:42,331
I wouldn't cast him in my wife.
5371
03:18:42,331 --> 03:18:46,785
[LAUGHTER]
5372
03:18:46,785 --> 03:18:49,768
Um, so there we are
fucking and fucking talking
5373
03:18:49,768 --> 03:18:51,120
nasty to each other and shit.
5374
03:18:51,120 --> 03:18:53,482
And then the moment of
truth comes and shit.
5375
03:18:53,482 --> 03:18:56,915
And, um, we-- and it was one
of those rare times where
5376
03:18:56,915 --> 03:18:58,297
we both kind of came together.
5377
03:18:58,297 --> 03:19:01,360
And it was kind of powerful
and nasty and dirty and
5378
03:19:01,360 --> 03:19:04,133
fucking-- just hardcore, too.
5379
03:19:04,133 --> 03:19:06,745
And it was hot, so we were
both fucking sweating.
5380
03:19:06,745 --> 03:19:12,311
And just-- we just didn't
hear the door open.
5381
03:19:12,311 --> 03:19:14,593
So we're finished and
fucking like-- my head
5382
03:19:14,593 --> 03:19:17,056
just kind of lolls to the left.
5383
03:19:17,056 --> 03:19:19,878
And there I see Harley
sitting at the edge of our bed
5384
03:19:19,878 --> 03:19:21,330
like this.
5385
03:19:21,330 --> 03:19:24,703
[LAUGHTER]
5386
03:19:27,286 --> 03:19:31,070
You know, like a little
scientist from another planet.
5387
03:19:31,070 --> 03:19:37,036
Just really kind of-- trying to
figure out what when in where.
5388
03:19:37,036 --> 03:19:38,317
So we were like, hey.
5389
03:19:38,317 --> 03:19:39,018
Hey.
5390
03:19:39,018 --> 03:19:39,718
Hey.
5391
03:19:39,718 --> 03:19:42,901
What are-- and Jen
flips off me and shit.
5392
03:19:42,901 --> 03:19:45,464
And, uh, we're like,
what are you doing?
5393
03:19:45,464 --> 03:19:47,346
She's like, what are doing?
5394
03:19:47,346 --> 03:19:48,957
And we were like, what?
5395
03:19:48,957 --> 03:19:50,449
We were just, uh--
we were playing.
5396
03:19:50,449 --> 03:19:52,661
We were-- you know,
we're just playing.
5397
03:19:52,661 --> 03:19:53,582
Playing.
5398
03:19:53,582 --> 03:19:55,995
She's like, playing what?
5399
03:19:55,995 --> 03:19:58,067
We were like, we
were play fighting.
5400
03:19:58,067 --> 03:20:00,219
We're just like play wrestling.
5401
03:20:00,219 --> 03:20:02,201
Having some play fighting time.
5402
03:20:02,201 --> 03:20:05,594
And she was like, it didn't
look like you were fighting.
5403
03:20:05,594 --> 03:20:07,066
And I was like, well,
what did it look like?
5404
03:20:07,066 --> 03:20:09,548
She was like, you were swimming.
5405
03:20:09,548 --> 03:20:14,303
[LAUGHTER]
5406
03:20:14,303 --> 03:20:19,108
And under her breath I hear
Jen go, I was swimming.
5407
03:20:19,108 --> 03:20:20,809
And I was like, that's
what we were doing.
5408
03:20:20,809 --> 03:20:25,064
We were doing-- we were doing,
uh-- we were night swimming.
5409
03:20:25,064 --> 03:20:27,856
And she was like, is
that why you're all wet?
5410
03:20:27,856 --> 03:20:28,957
I said, absolutely.
5411
03:20:28,957 --> 03:20:30,459
We were in the pool.
5412
03:20:30,459 --> 03:20:32,291
And then we were doing some
night swimming in the pool.
5413
03:20:32,291 --> 03:20:33,912
And then we came up
here and we were just
5414
03:20:33,912 --> 03:20:36,845
showing each other how
we swim because it was
5415
03:20:36,845 --> 03:20:40,089
too dark to see it out there.
5416
03:20:40,089 --> 03:20:41,800
She was like, but put the
lights aren't on in here.
5417
03:20:41,800 --> 03:20:44,002
I was like, yeah,
but-- the moon.
5418
03:20:46,635 --> 03:20:48,597
And then she was like,
can I go night swimming?
5419
03:20:48,597 --> 03:20:51,350
And I was like not
until you're 30, I hope.
5420
03:20:51,350 --> 03:20:52,721
You know?
5421
03:20:52,721 --> 03:20:54,493
And then she was like, can
I get in the bed with you.
5422
03:20:54,493 --> 03:20:56,265
And immediately I'm
like, get this kid away
5423
03:20:56,265 --> 03:20:57,246
from the wet spot.
5424
03:20:57,246 --> 03:20:58,327
I was like, no, no, no.
5425
03:20:58,327 --> 03:20:59,027
You can't.
5426
03:20:59,027 --> 03:21:00,459
You go hang out and shit.
5427
03:21:00,459 --> 03:21:01,290
Do other things.
5428
03:21:01,290 --> 03:21:04,993
Just-- Dad needs a few minutes.
5429
03:21:04,993 --> 03:21:06,855
Took a lot out of me.
5430
03:21:06,855 --> 03:21:09,548
Um, so she caught us.
5431
03:21:09,548 --> 03:21:11,940
But you know, it never
came back to the subject.
5432
03:21:11,940 --> 03:21:15,013
She bought night swimming,
which was tremendous.
5433
03:21:15,013 --> 03:21:15,714
You know?
5434
03:21:15,714 --> 03:21:19,158
Because now any time
she-- lock the door now,
5435
03:21:19,158 --> 03:21:21,430
of course, when we fuck
because we didn't know
5436
03:21:21,430 --> 03:21:22,711
she was so strolly.
5437
03:21:22,711 --> 03:21:26,034
She crept in like
a fucking ninja.
5438
03:21:26,034 --> 03:21:27,176
Like, who knew she was there?
5439
03:21:27,176 --> 03:21:30,159
She could have slit
both our throats.
5440
03:21:30,159 --> 03:21:35,724
Instead, she was
just-- so-- so now
5441
03:21:35,724 --> 03:21:37,866
we lock the door and she'll--
you know, boom, boom, boom.
5442
03:21:37,866 --> 03:21:38,567
Mom.
5443
03:21:38,567 --> 03:21:41,120
And we're like, night swimming.
5444
03:21:41,120 --> 03:21:42,581
OK.
5445
03:21:42,581 --> 03:21:43,572
Off she goes and shit.
5446
03:21:43,572 --> 03:21:46,915
It doesn't occur to her
that the pool is upstairs.
5447
03:21:46,915 --> 03:21:49,548
So-- so we, uh-- you
know, aside from that,
5448
03:21:49,548 --> 03:21:52,221
we tend not to kind of
live our lives differently.
5449
03:21:52,221 --> 03:21:53,862
You know, we curse
in front of the kid.
5450
03:21:53,862 --> 03:21:56,205
And some people think that's
kind of not right and shit,
5451
03:21:56,205 --> 03:21:58,397
but it'd be so
hypocritical of me
5452
03:21:58,397 --> 03:21:59,918
not to curse in
front of the child.
5453
03:21:59,918 --> 03:22:01,730
Because that's how I
make my fucking living.
5454
03:22:01,730 --> 03:22:04,353
Cursing will put
her through college.
5455
03:22:04,353 --> 03:22:06,705
So we tend to not rein it in.
5456
03:22:06,705 --> 03:22:08,437
We're just kind of ourselves
and shit like that.
5457
03:22:08,437 --> 03:22:10,689
And I find it has
a-- you know, a kind
5458
03:22:10,689 --> 03:22:11,840
of reverse effect on the kid.
5459
03:22:11,840 --> 03:22:13,162
It doesn't make the
kid want to curse.
5460
03:22:13,162 --> 03:22:15,023
It makes the kid
not want to curse.
5461
03:22:15,023 --> 03:22:17,286
Like we were driving
somewhere, me and Jen
5462
03:22:17,286 --> 03:22:18,257
were talking about something.
5463
03:22:18,257 --> 03:22:19,798
And I was like, you know what?
5464
03:22:19,798 --> 03:22:21,039
That's total bullshit.
5465
03:22:21,039 --> 03:22:25,113
And out of the backseat where
Harley was, we hear bullshit.
5466
03:22:25,113 --> 03:22:26,785
And we were like,
what the-- what?
5467
03:22:26,785 --> 03:22:29,027
What did you say?
5468
03:22:29,027 --> 03:22:30,098
She's like bullshit.
5469
03:22:30,098 --> 03:22:32,161
We're like, that's
awesome, you know?
5470
03:22:32,161 --> 03:22:35,434
Because nothing cuter
than a little kid cursing.
5471
03:22:35,434 --> 03:22:37,496
And so, you know, we
were chucking and shit.
5472
03:22:37,496 --> 03:22:38,867
And she was like, bullshit.
5473
03:22:38,867 --> 03:22:40,289
We're like, yes, say it again.
5474
03:22:40,289 --> 03:22:41,370
Bullshit.
5475
03:22:41,370 --> 03:22:43,782
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
5476
03:22:43,782 --> 03:22:44,773
It was tremendous.
5477
03:22:44,773 --> 03:22:47,306
And suddenly, she started
varying it up and shit.
5478
03:22:47,306 --> 03:22:48,597
And she was like horse shit.
5479
03:22:48,597 --> 03:22:51,099
And I was like, yes,
fucking horse shit.
5480
03:22:51,099 --> 03:22:51,800
Horse shit.
5481
03:22:51,800 --> 03:22:54,183
And she was like, dog shit.
5482
03:22:54,183 --> 03:22:55,103
Mom shit.
5483
03:22:55,103 --> 03:22:57,095
Dad shit.
5484
03:22:57,095 --> 03:22:57,946
Nana shit.
5485
03:22:57,946 --> 03:22:58,907
Pop shit.
5486
03:22:58,907 --> 03:23:01,069
We have two dogs, uh,
Scully and Mulder.
5487
03:23:01,069 --> 03:23:02,601
Mulder shit.
5488
03:23:02,601 --> 03:23:03,962
Scully shit.
5489
03:23:03,962 --> 03:23:07,336
Bat shit, which was my favorite.
5490
03:23:07,336 --> 03:23:08,887
And we were dying up front.
5491
03:23:08,887 --> 03:23:09,828
We're like, this is awesome.
5492
03:23:09,828 --> 03:23:12,140
She went through
a litany of shits.
5493
03:23:12,140 --> 03:23:14,853
Anything you could modify
shit with, she did.
5494
03:23:14,853 --> 03:23:18,227
You know, fucking pass the
roadside sign, sign shit.
5495
03:23:18,227 --> 03:23:19,938
McDonald shit.
5496
03:23:19,938 --> 03:23:21,019
Volkswagen shit.
5497
03:23:21,019 --> 03:23:22,981
You know, shit shit, shit.
5498
03:23:22,981 --> 03:23:27,696
This went on for two hours and
never lost its fucking edge.
5499
03:23:27,696 --> 03:23:30,309
I was just as
amused when she said
5500
03:23:30,309 --> 03:23:33,091
bullshit as I was
when she later on got
5501
03:23:33,091 --> 03:23:35,584
down to fucking wee-wee shit.
5502
03:23:35,584 --> 03:23:37,045
Which is pee-pee,
poop, you know?
5503
03:23:37,045 --> 03:23:38,917
Just- but she didn't know that.
5504
03:23:38,917 --> 03:23:39,688
That's the thing.
5505
03:23:39,688 --> 03:23:41,510
So I said to her, I
was just like, Harley,
5506
03:23:41,510 --> 03:23:42,801
do you know what shit is?
5507
03:23:42,801 --> 03:23:45,254
And she's like no.
5508
03:23:45,254 --> 03:23:48,126
And I said, shit is poo-poo.
5509
03:23:48,126 --> 03:23:52,491
And her face, fuck,
she went-- she
5510
03:23:52,491 --> 03:23:56,154
realized she just spent the last
two hours talking about shit.
5511
03:23:56,154 --> 03:23:58,547
And then she says-- she
never said shit ever again.
5512
03:23:58,547 --> 03:23:59,248
So it's weird.
5513
03:23:59,248 --> 03:24:00,689
It had this reverse
effect on her
5514
03:24:00,689 --> 03:24:02,951
where she didn't like to
curse anymore because she
5515
03:24:02,951 --> 03:24:05,334
spent two hours cursing.
5516
03:24:05,334 --> 03:24:06,495
So, um, I don't know.
5517
03:24:06,495 --> 03:24:08,747
We're kind of-- we kind of let
the kid progress her own-- you
5518
03:24:08,747 --> 03:24:10,479
know, because there's no--
especially with language,
5519
03:24:10,479 --> 03:24:12,731
it's like, there's no
such thing as bad words.
5520
03:24:12,731 --> 03:24:16,144
Bad intentions, but not
fucking bad words and shit.
5521
03:24:16,144 --> 03:24:19,668
Bad words will put food on
the table if you do it right.
5522
03:24:19,668 --> 03:24:20,999
So, um--
5523
03:24:20,999 --> 03:24:24,232
So no, the work has never
been affected by the kid.
5524
03:24:24,232 --> 03:24:26,535
And our lives haven't
been affected by the kid.
5525
03:24:26,535 --> 03:24:30,619
I mean, in as much as we have to
make time to feed her and shit.
5526
03:24:30,619 --> 03:24:32,581
You now, and protect
her from danger.
5527
03:24:32,581 --> 03:24:35,634
But other than that, everything
kind of remained the same.
5528
03:24:35,634 --> 03:24:36,335
For me.
5529
03:24:36,335 --> 03:24:37,876
Has she seen any of
your other movies?
5530
03:24:37,876 --> 03:24:38,577
She did.
5531
03:24:38,577 --> 03:24:40,929
She finally-- we got around
to showing her "Jay and Silent
5532
03:24:40,929 --> 03:24:43,231
Bob Strike Back" one night.
5533
03:24:43,231 --> 03:24:45,374
Um, and that was by accident.
5534
03:24:45,374 --> 03:24:47,476
We were watching something
on the big TV upstairs
5535
03:24:47,476 --> 03:24:50,178
and-- watching a
DVD and it ended.
5536
03:24:50,178 --> 03:24:53,281
And when the DVD player cuts
off, like TV kicks back in.
5537
03:24:53,281 --> 03:24:54,433
And it was Showtime.
5538
03:24:54,433 --> 03:24:55,494
The cable channel was on.
5539
03:24:55,494 --> 03:24:57,265
And "Jay and Silent Bob
Strike Back" was on.
5540
03:24:57,265 --> 03:24:59,748
And it was a scene with
Jen coming out of the van.
5541
03:24:59,748 --> 03:25:02,311
And she was like,
oh my god, it's Mom.
5542
03:25:02,311 --> 03:25:03,492
And I was like, yeah.
5543
03:25:03,492 --> 03:25:04,282
Oh, it is Mom.
5544
03:25:04,282 --> 03:25:04,983
That's right.
5545
03:25:04,983 --> 03:25:05,874
That's Mom.
5546
03:25:05,874 --> 03:25:08,467
I fucked that chick.
5547
03:25:08,467 --> 03:25:09,368
But I was like, that's Mom.
5548
03:25:09,368 --> 03:25:10,198
You're right.
5549
03:25:10,198 --> 03:25:12,661
And she's like, what is the--
because suddenly-- she lives
5550
03:25:12,661 --> 03:25:14,733
in this weird world
where like, you know,
5551
03:25:14,733 --> 03:25:17,746
sometimes Dad has short hair
and sometimes he has long hair.
5552
03:25:17,746 --> 03:25:20,739
And sometimes he
never says anything.
5553
03:25:20,739 --> 03:25:22,851
And sometimes he's
always talking.
5554
03:25:22,851 --> 03:25:25,293
And then sometimes he's like
clean that shit up, you know?
5555
03:25:25,293 --> 03:25:28,957
And sometimes him and
Uncle Jay run into a wall.
5556
03:25:28,957 --> 03:25:32,020
So it's this weird world of
like reality, not reality.
5557
03:25:32,020 --> 03:25:33,922
Like I hang out
Jason in real life
5558
03:25:33,922 --> 03:25:35,854
and I hang out with
Jason in the movies.
5559
03:25:35,854 --> 03:25:38,677
And Jason-- in the movies,
we're always together.
5560
03:25:38,677 --> 03:25:40,599
And in real life, he
lives in our house.
5561
03:25:40,599 --> 03:25:45,173
So you know, for her movie
world and reality kind
5562
03:25:45,173 --> 03:25:46,745
of blend and shit like that.
5563
03:25:46,745 --> 03:25:49,618
Like I remember for a wrap gift
for, uh, "Jay and Silent Bob
5564
03:25:49,618 --> 03:25:52,691
Strike Back," Hilary, who
was the script supervisor
5565
03:25:52,691 --> 03:25:55,924
on the show, had-- long time
prior, long time before when
5566
03:25:55,924 --> 03:25:57,896
she was a kid, she had
been the voice of Sally
5567
03:25:57,896 --> 03:25:59,398
in some of the
"Peanuts" cartoons.
5568
03:25:59,398 --> 03:26:01,670
So as a wrap gift, she had
somebody draw the animated
5569
03:26:01,670 --> 03:26:04,302
Jay and the animated
Silent Bob and Sally
5570
03:26:04,302 --> 03:26:05,814
together in one picture.
5571
03:26:05,814 --> 03:26:09,147
And Harley was about two and
into Snoopy at that point.
5572
03:26:09,147 --> 03:26:14,062
And I showed her the picture
and her head fucking exploded.
5573
03:26:14,062 --> 03:26:20,989
Because she was like, Dad, Uncle
Jay, Charlie Brown's sister.
5574
03:26:20,989 --> 03:26:22,160
They all know each other?
5575
03:26:24,993 --> 03:26:26,625
You know?
5576
03:26:26,625 --> 03:26:27,506
So it's not bad enough.
5577
03:26:27,506 --> 03:26:29,608
Like you know she's going to be
on some therapist's couch years
5578
03:26:29,608 --> 03:26:31,830
from now going,
Silent Bob was my dad.
5579
03:26:31,830 --> 03:26:33,231
You know?
5580
03:26:33,231 --> 03:26:35,814
But she going-- you know, it's
weirdness like that when you're
5581
03:26:35,814 --> 03:26:38,106
a kid when you see
Dad interacting
5582
03:26:38,106 --> 03:26:39,958
with people who aren't real.
5583
03:26:39,958 --> 03:26:41,259
You start to wonder,
I guess, if you're
5584
03:26:41,259 --> 03:26:43,522
old man's real to some degree.
5585
03:26:43,522 --> 03:26:47,596
Um, so she-- here she's
seeing Mom suddenly
5586
03:26:47,596 --> 03:26:49,187
in the mix because we
had never really thought
5587
03:26:49,187 --> 03:26:50,719
to show her the movie before.
5588
03:26:50,719 --> 03:26:52,050
And I was like,
I turned to Jen--
5589
03:26:52,050 --> 03:26:55,163
I was like, we could possibly
show her the movie, you know?
5590
03:26:55,163 --> 03:26:57,586
I mean, we could just do
it without the volume.
5591
03:26:57,586 --> 03:26:59,027
Because if the
volume was up, she'd
5592
03:26:59,027 --> 03:27:00,429
lose interest in the
movie because there's
5593
03:27:00,429 --> 03:27:01,800
so much cursing.
5594
03:27:01,800 --> 03:27:05,043
And that's just-- to
her, that's grownup shit.
5595
03:27:05,043 --> 03:27:06,765
So I was like,
let's show her her.
5596
03:27:06,765 --> 03:27:07,736
Because she's in the movie.
5597
03:27:07,736 --> 03:27:10,268
She plays a little
baby Silent Bob.
5598
03:27:10,268 --> 03:27:12,090
So we go and pop in the DVD.
5599
03:27:12,090 --> 03:27:13,472
And there's her.
5600
03:27:13,472 --> 03:27:15,544
And you know, little
baby her as Silent Bob.
5601
03:27:15,544 --> 03:27:18,416
And then suddenly little baby
her dissolves into big, fat me.
5602
03:27:21,069 --> 03:27:23,892
Which I'm sure she'll be
talking to her therapist about,
5603
03:27:23,892 --> 03:27:27,215
you know, 20 years now going
like, he fucking-- he showed
5604
03:27:27,215 --> 03:27:28,457
it to me when I was a child.
5605
03:27:28,457 --> 03:27:30,829
I-- that's what I
would grow up to be?
5606
03:27:30,829 --> 03:27:34,162
Like, how am I supposed
to deal with that?
5607
03:27:34,162 --> 03:27:38,006
And that's why I killed
my parents in their sleep.
5608
03:27:38,006 --> 03:27:42,180
I could get away with it because
I could creep like a ninja.
5609
03:27:42,180 --> 03:27:44,853
Caught them after a
little night swimming.
5610
03:27:44,853 --> 03:27:46,194
So--
5611
03:27:46,194 --> 03:27:47,275
So we kept going, you know?
5612
03:27:47,275 --> 03:27:49,478
And I was like, hey,
there's Uncle Jay.
5613
03:27:49,478 --> 03:27:51,750
And there's-- you know,
here's some other stuff.
5614
03:27:51,750 --> 03:27:56,244
And suddenly, I realized that
the movie plays to a child
5615
03:27:56,244 --> 03:27:57,896
if you turn the sound down.
5616
03:27:57,896 --> 03:27:59,918
Because like at a
certain point we're
5617
03:27:59,918 --> 03:28:03,211
hitchhiking and all of a sudden
there's the Scooby Doo van.
5618
03:28:03,211 --> 03:28:04,503
And she lit up like Christmas.
5619
03:28:04,503 --> 03:28:06,825
She was like Mystery Machine.
5620
03:28:06,825 --> 03:28:07,836
And I was like, Mys-- what?
5621
03:28:07,836 --> 03:28:08,707
Yeah.
Oh my god.
5622
03:28:08,707 --> 03:28:09,407
Yes, you're right.
5623
03:28:09,407 --> 03:28:10,629
That is the Mystery Machine.
5624
03:28:10,629 --> 03:28:11,449
You recognize that?
5625
03:28:11,449 --> 03:28:12,551
She's like, Mystery Machine.
5626
03:28:12,551 --> 03:28:14,503
And I was like, well,
hold on to your hat
5627
03:28:14,503 --> 03:28:16,344
because check this out.
5628
03:28:16,344 --> 03:28:20,438
And all of a sudden, door opens
and Jay and Silent Bob-- Dad
5629
03:28:20,438 --> 03:28:22,581
and Jay, Uncle Jay--
are hanging out
5630
03:28:22,581 --> 03:28:25,253
with the fucking
Scooby gang, which
5631
03:28:25,253 --> 03:28:26,975
she is very into at that point.
5632
03:28:26,975 --> 03:28:28,717
And she's just like, Scooby.
5633
03:28:28,717 --> 03:28:29,417
And Fred.
5634
03:28:29,417 --> 03:28:30,849
And Velma.
5635
03:28:30,849 --> 03:28:32,280
You know Scooby?
5636
03:28:32,280 --> 03:28:36,504
I'm just like,
yeah, we hang out.
5637
03:28:36,504 --> 03:28:38,937
And, um, she was just--
her fucking head exploded.
5638
03:28:38,937 --> 03:28:40,188
She was just enraptured.
5639
03:28:40,188 --> 03:28:42,851
And then reality
sank back in for her
5640
03:28:42,851 --> 03:28:44,903
and she was just like,
that's not Shaggy.
5641
03:28:44,903 --> 03:28:46,735
And I was like, what do you
mean that's not-- of course
5642
03:28:46,735 --> 03:28:48,086
that's fucking Shaggy.
5643
03:28:48,086 --> 03:28:50,048
That's as Shaggy as it gets.
5644
03:28:50,048 --> 03:28:52,831
And she was just like,
Shaggy's shirt is green.
5645
03:28:52,831 --> 03:28:54,442
His shirt is blue.
5646
03:28:54,442 --> 03:28:56,715
And I was like, you're
just like all those fuckers
5647
03:28:56,715 --> 03:28:58,466
on the internet, you know that?
5648
03:28:58,466 --> 03:29:02,891
[APPLAUSE]
5649
03:29:08,296 --> 03:29:10,048
So ya, she's seen some shit.
5650
03:29:10,048 --> 03:29:11,079
We've showed her some shit.
5651
03:29:11,079 --> 03:29:12,791
But she gets real bored
real easily, you know?
5652
03:29:12,791 --> 03:29:14,262
Because she don't want
to see people sitting
5653
03:29:14,262 --> 03:29:16,965
there talking to one another.
5654
03:29:16,965 --> 03:29:18,266
And that's what
all my movies are,
5655
03:29:18,266 --> 03:29:20,599
just people like [MUTTERING].
5656
03:29:20,599 --> 03:29:21,549
You know?
5657
03:29:21,549 --> 03:29:24,522
She-- we, uh-- I felt
like a filmmaker, though.
5658
03:29:24,522 --> 03:29:25,974
Showing her that movie
for the first time,
5659
03:29:25,974 --> 03:29:26,845
I felt like a filmmaker.
5660
03:29:26,845 --> 03:29:29,197
Generally, I don't feel like
a filmmaker or director.
5661
03:29:29,197 --> 03:29:30,769
Like I feel like a
writer who just happens
5662
03:29:30,769 --> 03:29:32,070
to direct his own stuff.
5663
03:29:32,070 --> 03:29:35,674
Because I can't really tell a
visual story to save my life.
5664
03:29:35,674 --> 03:29:37,265
But watching that
movie with the kid,
5665
03:29:37,265 --> 03:29:38,977
I felt like a
visual storyteller.
5666
03:29:38,977 --> 03:29:42,180
I felt like I communicated
ideas with images.
5667
03:29:42,180 --> 03:29:44,813
Because there's a
point where we're being
5668
03:29:44,813 --> 03:29:48,877
chased by Judd
Nelson's character.
5669
03:29:48,877 --> 03:29:50,799
Um, and they're shooting at us.
5670
03:29:50,799 --> 03:29:53,251
And then Jay dives
through a pipe.
5671
03:29:53,251 --> 03:29:56,855
And then I throw Suzanne, the
orangutan, through the pipe.
5672
03:29:56,855 --> 03:29:58,747
And then I go to
dive in the pipe.
5673
03:29:58,747 --> 03:30:00,649
And I don't make it through.
5674
03:30:00,649 --> 03:30:03,071
And the kid starts cracking up.
5675
03:30:03,071 --> 03:30:03,792
She's just laughing.
5676
03:30:03,792 --> 03:30:06,685
And she's like,
haha, you're too big.
5677
03:30:06,685 --> 03:30:07,575
Haha.
5678
03:30:07,575 --> 03:30:09,137
And at first I was
like, fuck you.
5679
03:30:09,137 --> 03:30:11,349
You're no spring
chicken, you know?
5680
03:30:11,349 --> 03:30:13,772
That's my-- my gut
instinct and shit.
5681
03:30:13,772 --> 03:30:15,413
You got my legs, kid.
5682
03:30:15,413 --> 03:30:16,344
You know.
5683
03:30:16,344 --> 03:30:17,676
But then I was
like, wait a second.
5684
03:30:17,676 --> 03:30:18,917
She-- she gets it.
5685
03:30:18,917 --> 03:30:20,008
Like, she's right.
5686
03:30:20,008 --> 03:30:22,520
Like I can't get through the
pipe because I'm too big.
5687
03:30:22,520 --> 03:30:24,602
And she was like, just
like Winnie the Pooh.
5688
03:30:24,602 --> 03:30:27,595
And then in the movie, Jay
goes, just like Winnie the Pooh.
5689
03:30:27,595 --> 03:30:30,829
And she was like-- you know?
5690
03:30:30,829 --> 03:30:33,001
And then later on, when it
came to the diamond exchange
5691
03:30:33,001 --> 03:30:35,724
sequence, um, you know,
the girls go-- there's
5692
03:30:35,724 --> 03:30:36,594
no dialogue in that scene.
5693
03:30:36,594 --> 03:30:38,707
The girls flip down the
hallway-- one, two--
5694
03:30:38,707 --> 03:30:40,669
trying to avoid the lasers.
5695
03:30:40,669 --> 03:30:42,791
And to be quiet
and shit like that.
5696
03:30:42,791 --> 03:30:46,394
And then Allie does her flips,
gets to the end, and farts.
5697
03:30:46,394 --> 03:30:47,525
And the alarm goes off.
5698
03:30:47,525 --> 03:30:50,398
And the kid was just
like, she farted.
5699
03:30:50,398 --> 03:30:51,830
She frogged.
5700
03:30:51,830 --> 03:30:52,530
That's what she said.
5701
03:30:52,530 --> 03:30:53,291
She doesn't say fart.
5702
03:30:53,291 --> 03:30:55,313
She says she frogged.
5703
03:30:55,313 --> 03:30:57,075
And I was like, that
was a new one for me
5704
03:30:57,075 --> 03:30:59,527
because I didn't know
where frog came from.
5705
03:30:59,527 --> 03:31:00,799
Because you know,
a fart's a fart.
5706
03:31:00,799 --> 03:31:02,781
But suddenly the kid's
busting with a frog.
5707
03:31:02,781 --> 03:31:04,673
And I was like, what do
you mean, she frogged?
5708
03:31:04,673 --> 03:31:05,894
She's like, she frogged.
5709
03:31:05,894 --> 03:31:06,745
Frogged.
5710
03:31:06,745 --> 03:31:11,009
I was like, oh, she-- she
blew ass out-- gas ass.
5711
03:31:11,009 --> 03:31:12,420
What are you-- farted.
5712
03:31:12,420 --> 03:31:14,432
She frog, you know?
5713
03:31:14,432 --> 03:31:15,163
Just like, come on.
5714
03:31:15,163 --> 03:31:17,846
Follow me, Father.
5715
03:31:17,846 --> 03:31:18,837
And I was just like, my god.
5716
03:31:18,837 --> 03:31:19,537
She got it.
5717
03:31:19,537 --> 03:31:21,820
She understood that the alarm
went off because this girl
5718
03:31:21,820 --> 03:31:22,981
frogged and shit.
5719
03:31:22,981 --> 03:31:24,182
And I felt like, my god.
5720
03:31:24,182 --> 03:31:25,173
I am a filmmaker.
5721
03:31:25,173 --> 03:31:26,514
You could turn the
sound down and you
5722
03:31:26,514 --> 03:31:28,106
get the movie, pretty much.
5723
03:31:28,106 --> 03:31:29,327
At least that one.
5724
03:31:29,327 --> 03:31:31,920
"Clerks" I think she'd
have a hard time with.
5725
03:31:31,920 --> 03:31:33,391
But that one she got.
5726
03:31:33,391 --> 03:31:34,763
So we've showed her some.
5727
03:31:34,763 --> 03:31:36,885
We've showed her some stuff.
5728
03:31:36,885 --> 03:31:38,827
But I'm curious to see
how she reacts to the shit
5729
03:31:38,827 --> 03:31:40,538
when she gets older.
5730
03:31:40,538 --> 03:31:41,840
If she has any
interest in it herself.
5731
03:31:41,840 --> 03:31:44,422
She's got good ammunition
for her teenage years.
5732
03:31:44,422 --> 03:31:45,123
Totally, right.
5733
03:31:45,123 --> 03:31:47,816
She'll get away with murder
because she's like, oh, what
5734
03:31:47,816 --> 03:31:49,077
about the time you
two fucking ran
5735
03:31:49,077 --> 03:31:52,020
from that rubber poop monster.
5736
03:31:52,020 --> 03:31:53,752
That-- that wasn't real.
5737
03:31:53,752 --> 03:31:54,803
Oh, it's not?
5738
03:31:54,803 --> 03:31:56,534
It's you and Uncle Jay.
5739
03:31:56,534 --> 03:31:58,747
You're always hanging
out together anyway.
5740
03:31:58,747 --> 03:31:59,808
Where is the difference, Dad?
5741
03:32:03,722 --> 03:32:04,422
Thank you.
5742
03:32:04,422 --> 03:32:05,683
Thank you.
5743
03:32:05,683 --> 03:32:06,444
Yes.
5744
03:32:06,444 --> 03:32:07,165
Do you have a mic?
5745
03:32:07,165 --> 03:32:08,386
AUDIENCE: Kevin.
-You still have a mic?
5746
03:32:08,386 --> 03:32:09,177
AUDIENCE: Kevin, hi.
5747
03:32:09,177 --> 03:32:11,419
Hey.
5748
03:32:11,419 --> 03:32:13,982
AUDIENCE: I heard that you
did a rewrite on the classic
5749
03:32:13,982 --> 03:32:15,754
that is "Coyote Ugly."
5750
03:32:15,754 --> 03:32:16,634
I did.
5751
03:32:16,634 --> 03:32:19,748
And there was very little
left in the actual film.
5752
03:32:19,748 --> 03:32:22,200
Um, how did that gig come about?
5753
03:32:22,200 --> 03:32:25,623
And how-- are there any other
films with small contributions
5754
03:32:25,623 --> 03:32:27,956
from you in them?
5755
03:32:27,956 --> 03:32:30,438
Um, let me see.
5756
03:32:30,438 --> 03:32:32,961
I did, uh-- I did a
rewrite on "Coyote Ugly."
5757
03:32:32,961 --> 03:32:35,603
I don't think I've done any
rewrites since "Coyote Ugly."
5758
03:32:35,603 --> 03:32:37,896
I think that was
the last one I did.
5759
03:32:37,896 --> 03:32:40,849
But, um-- that one
was like a page one
5760
03:32:40,849 --> 03:32:43,972
rewrite where I rewrote
everything from scratch.
5761
03:32:43,972 --> 03:32:46,985
Changed characters' names, set
scenes in different places,
5762
03:32:46,985 --> 03:32:47,685
and shit.
5763
03:32:47,685 --> 03:32:48,386
And they paid me.
5764
03:32:48,386 --> 03:32:49,397
It was a Bruckheimer movie.
5765
03:32:49,397 --> 03:32:51,179
They paid me a shit
load of money to do it.
5766
03:32:51,179 --> 03:32:53,932
And Jerry Bruckheimer was
a big fan of "Chasing Amy."
5767
03:32:53,932 --> 03:32:56,334
That's how Ben wound up
getting cast in "Armageddon."
5768
03:32:56,334 --> 03:32:59,988
And Jason Lee got cast in
"Enemy of the State" and shit
5769
03:32:59,988 --> 03:33:00,688
like that.
5770
03:33:00,688 --> 03:33:05,483
And then I wound up working
on rewrites on "Coyote Ugly."
5771
03:33:05,483 --> 03:33:07,095
So turned in my draft
and shit like that.
5772
03:33:07,095 --> 03:33:08,496
And they're like, you
want to direct this?
5773
03:33:08,496 --> 03:33:10,648
And this is right while I was
going off to direct "Dogma,"
5774
03:33:10,648 --> 03:33:12,160
I think.
5775
03:33:12,160 --> 03:33:12,931
I think it was "Dogma."
5776
03:33:12,931 --> 03:33:13,932
And I was like, you know what?
5777
03:33:13,932 --> 03:33:16,084
I want to do my own thing.
5778
03:33:16,084 --> 03:33:17,846
But I said, but I love
this because like, it's
5779
03:33:17,846 --> 03:33:19,237
all about Jersey
and shit like that.
5780
03:33:19,237 --> 03:33:21,800
But I'm going to go off
and do my own thing.
5781
03:33:21,800 --> 03:33:24,652
So then they brought
another guy on to direct it,
5782
03:33:24,652 --> 03:33:29,187
who brought in his writer and
completely changed everything
5783
03:33:29,187 --> 03:33:31,209
that I had written
dialogue-wise.
5784
03:33:31,209 --> 03:33:32,020
Which was weird.
5785
03:33:32,020 --> 03:33:34,722
Because like of anything of my
script you're going to keep,
5786
03:33:34,722 --> 03:33:35,793
keep the dialogue.
5787
03:33:35,793 --> 03:33:37,645
Everything else is bullshit.
5788
03:33:37,645 --> 03:33:39,507
But the dialogue, they
got rid of everything
5789
03:33:39,507 --> 03:33:40,558
with the exception of one line.
5790
03:33:40,558 --> 03:33:43,161
Like they kept
settings, odd things.
5791
03:33:43,161 --> 03:33:46,224
Like they would keep things set
in the place I had them set.
5792
03:33:46,224 --> 03:33:48,216
Or they would keep
character names.
5793
03:33:48,216 --> 03:33:50,818
But everything else
fucking changed.
5794
03:33:50,818 --> 03:33:53,231
And the one line of mine they
kept was the one girl talking
5795
03:33:53,231 --> 03:33:55,463
about-- like one girl
asked the other girl like,
5796
03:33:55,463 --> 03:33:59,787
have you ever done-- this
part's not the exact line.
5797
03:33:59,787 --> 03:34:01,219
But have you-- she
was asking if she had
5798
03:34:01,219 --> 03:34:03,411
ever done any lesbian stuff.
5799
03:34:03,411 --> 03:34:04,903
And the other chick
was like, no, no, no.
5800
03:34:04,903 --> 03:34:06,654
I've only played in the minors.
5801
03:34:06,654 --> 03:34:07,886
I never went pro.
5802
03:34:07,886 --> 03:34:09,007
Like, lame line.
5803
03:34:09,007 --> 03:34:10,969
And that's the one
they fucking kept.
5804
03:34:10,969 --> 03:34:14,322
So I went to the movie to
watch it and there's a subplot
5805
03:34:14,322 --> 03:34:17,035
involving like a dude who loves
comic books and shit like that.
5806
03:34:17,035 --> 03:34:18,796
And wants a Punisher-- you
know, the first appearance
5807
03:34:18,796 --> 03:34:19,968
of the Punisher.
5808
03:34:19,968 --> 03:34:21,709
And at one point, Jen leans
over to me, she's going,
5809
03:34:21,709 --> 03:34:24,242
oh, you-- you did all the
comic book stuff, didn't you?
5810
03:34:24,242 --> 03:34:27,265
I was like, I had nothing to
do with the comic book stuff.
5811
03:34:27,265 --> 03:34:28,096
I didn't write this shit.
5812
03:34:28,096 --> 03:34:31,289
I wrote that one line about
played in the minors, never
5813
03:34:31,289 --> 03:34:32,090
went pro.
5814
03:34:32,090 --> 03:34:33,741
And she was like, well,
I wouldn't really cop
5815
03:34:33,741 --> 03:34:35,263
to saying that if I were you.
5816
03:34:35,263 --> 03:34:38,036
And I was like, yeah,
I'm just telling you.
5817
03:34:38,036 --> 03:34:38,907
So that was it.
5818
03:34:38,907 --> 03:34:40,058
That was my last rewrite gig.
5819
03:34:40,058 --> 03:34:42,310
And I was just like,
just-- what's the point?
5820
03:34:42,310 --> 03:34:43,111
You spend all that time.
5821
03:34:43,111 --> 03:34:44,102
It's like working on Superman.
5822
03:34:44,102 --> 03:34:46,384
You spend all that time,
somebody else comes behind you
5823
03:34:46,384 --> 03:34:48,096
and just changes everything.
5824
03:34:48,096 --> 03:34:49,867
So no, that's-- that's it.
5825
03:34:49,867 --> 03:34:52,180
But that's my contribution
to "Coyote Ugly."
5826
03:34:52,180 --> 03:34:52,880
Very small.
5827
03:34:52,880 --> 03:34:55,323
Although, they paid me an insane
amount of money to essentially
5828
03:34:55,323 --> 03:34:56,574
write that one line.
5829
03:34:56,574 --> 03:34:58,276
I was like, why didn't we
just skip the middle man.
5830
03:34:58,276 --> 03:35:00,258
I would have wrote that line.
5831
03:35:00,258 --> 03:35:03,321
And you know, you
cut me a check.
5832
03:35:03,321 --> 03:35:04,022
Thanks.
5833
03:35:04,022 --> 03:35:05,964
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
5834
03:35:05,964 --> 03:35:06,664
Sure.
5835
03:35:06,664 --> 03:35:07,485
AUDIENCE: Hi, Kevin.
5836
03:35:07,485 --> 03:35:08,636
My name is David.
5837
03:35:08,636 --> 03:35:09,347
How are you, David?
5838
03:35:09,347 --> 03:35:10,148
AUDIENCE: I'm very good.
5839
03:35:10,148 --> 03:35:11,219
I'm very good.
5840
03:35:11,219 --> 03:35:13,461
I just wondered, what's
the official stance
5841
03:35:13,461 --> 03:35:17,065
with the "Star Wars" drama that
you're so-called "involved" in?
5842
03:35:17,065 --> 03:35:18,816
Yeah, I read on the
internet that I'm
5843
03:35:18,816 --> 03:35:21,569
supposed to be involved
in a "Star Wars" TV show.
5844
03:35:21,569 --> 03:35:22,270
OK.
5845
03:35:26,084 --> 03:35:26,904
Nice answer.
5846
03:35:26,904 --> 03:35:28,156
How about, uh, "Episode 3?"
5847
03:35:28,156 --> 03:35:28,856
Have you seen it?
5848
03:35:28,856 --> 03:35:31,579
And were you tempted to get
your agent to get you a cameo?
5849
03:35:31,579 --> 03:35:33,491
That was one of the requests
I just made recently.
5850
03:35:33,491 --> 03:35:35,483
I didn't make it through
my agent, though.
5851
03:35:35,483 --> 03:35:36,614
Um, one of our
associate producers
5852
03:35:36,614 --> 03:35:39,417
on the last few flicks, uh,
this great, great gentleman
5853
03:35:39,417 --> 03:35:40,738
by the name of Phil Benson.
5854
03:35:40,738 --> 03:35:41,940
We met him on "Dogma."
5855
03:35:41,940 --> 03:35:43,101
He worked at Skywalker.
5856
03:35:43,101 --> 03:35:44,832
He was a sound guy.
5857
03:35:44,832 --> 03:35:47,255
Um, and he wanted to--
really high-up sound guy.
5858
03:35:47,255 --> 03:35:50,368
Essentially, he was the guy that
when the "Lord of the Rings"
5859
03:35:50,368 --> 03:35:53,181
won for sound mixing, sound
design, shit like that,
5860
03:35:53,181 --> 03:35:54,712
he would have been the guy.
5861
03:35:54,712 --> 03:35:56,514
But he opted not to
do "Lord of the Rings"
5862
03:35:56,514 --> 03:35:58,676
so he can do "Jay and Silent
Bob Strike Back" instead.
5863
03:36:02,260 --> 03:36:03,811
No accounting for taste.
5864
03:36:03,811 --> 03:36:05,843
Um, but that-- you know, I
always say to him, I was like,
5865
03:36:05,843 --> 03:36:06,574
do you ever regret it?
5866
03:36:06,574 --> 03:36:07,645
Do you ever regret not doing it?
5867
03:36:07,645 --> 03:36:08,346
He's like, no.
5868
03:36:08,346 --> 03:36:10,258
Because I wanted to do
something other than sound.
5869
03:36:10,258 --> 03:36:13,241
That's why I went to do "Jay
and Silent Bob Strike Back."
5870
03:36:13,241 --> 03:36:15,543
Because no offense, but it's
not like a cure for cancer.
5871
03:36:15,543 --> 03:36:17,335
And I was like, what?
5872
03:36:17,335 --> 03:36:20,138
But he was like, but I wanted to
try other things beyond sound.
5873
03:36:20,138 --> 03:36:21,879
So we made him an associate
producer and stuff.
5874
03:36:21,879 --> 03:36:23,201
And he did other
things on the movie
5875
03:36:23,201 --> 03:36:25,493
that he never had the
opportunity to try
5876
03:36:25,493 --> 03:36:27,425
as a sound guy and stuff.
5877
03:36:27,425 --> 03:36:30,798
So Phil worked at the
ranch at Skywalker
5878
03:36:30,798 --> 03:36:32,670
for years and years and years.
5879
03:36:32,670 --> 03:36:34,622
From when he was a kid up
to-- and he's not that old.
5880
03:36:34,622 --> 03:36:35,793
The dude's like my age.
5881
03:36:35,793 --> 03:36:38,336
But he had worked there
for like 8, 10 years.
5882
03:36:38,336 --> 03:36:39,897
So-- and we knew--
5883
03:36:39,897 --> 03:36:41,239
I knew Rick McCallum
because I'd met
5884
03:36:41,239 --> 03:36:43,451
him at the ranch, the producer
of the new "Star Wars" movies.
5885
03:36:43,451 --> 03:36:45,203
But Phil really knows him.
5886
03:36:45,203 --> 03:36:46,564
So the other day I
dropped him a line.
5887
03:36:46,564 --> 03:36:48,296
I was like, dude, I want
to go to an early screening
5888
03:36:48,296 --> 03:36:49,267
of this movie.
5889
03:36:49,267 --> 03:36:50,128
Can you talk to Rick?
5890
03:36:50,128 --> 03:36:52,550
And he wrote Rick
an email and wrote
5891
03:36:52,550 --> 03:36:54,472
me-- then Phil wrote
me back and was like,
5892
03:36:54,472 --> 03:36:56,274
he says he'll show it to you.
5893
03:36:56,274 --> 03:36:56,974
And I was like, when?
5894
03:36:56,974 --> 03:36:58,776
He's like, April 15,
they lock picture.
5895
03:36:58,776 --> 03:37:00,378
He said, come on up and
I'll show you the flick.
5896
03:37:00,378 --> 03:37:02,510
I was like, ah.
5897
03:37:02,510 --> 03:37:04,882
Because that's the fucking
movie I'm looking forward to,
5898
03:37:04,882 --> 03:37:05,583
you know?
5899
03:37:05,583 --> 03:37:09,097
I think that movie's going
to-- I liked the first two.
5900
03:37:09,097 --> 03:37:11,539
You know "Phantom Menace" not
a huge fan of, but I liked it.
5901
03:37:11,539 --> 03:37:14,072
You know, could have done
with a lot less Jar Jar.
5902
03:37:14,072 --> 03:37:17,045
Um, the second one I
really fucking loved.
5903
03:37:17,045 --> 03:37:19,907
I think the third one is
just going to be fantastic.
5904
03:37:19,907 --> 03:37:22,019
I think it's going to fucking--
you know, take everybody
5905
03:37:22,019 --> 03:37:24,062
who's naysayed the
last two and make
5906
03:37:24,062 --> 03:37:26,064
them-- spin them completely.
5907
03:37:26,064 --> 03:37:27,625
With your power in
Hollywood, would you
5908
03:37:27,625 --> 03:37:30,978
try to maybe be the character
to maybe kill Jar Jar?
5909
03:37:30,978 --> 03:37:32,210
Go down in folklore
or something?
5910
03:37:32,210 --> 03:37:32,910
No.
5911
03:37:32,910 --> 03:37:33,611
No.
5912
03:37:33,611 --> 03:37:36,804
I mean, why pay-- why cast more
attention on that fucking guy?
5913
03:37:36,804 --> 03:37:40,027
You know, even a death
scene is too good for him.
5914
03:37:40,027 --> 03:37:41,529
Just basically let
it happen off-camera.
5915
03:37:41,529 --> 03:37:44,051
Have somebody go, what
happened to Senator Jar Jar?
5916
03:37:44,051 --> 03:37:44,752
Killed.
5917
03:37:47,485 --> 03:37:49,937
Now, on with the
real movie and shit.
5918
03:37:49,937 --> 03:37:51,419
That's the one I'm
looking forward
5919
03:37:51,419 --> 03:37:55,403
to because that will always
be the trilogy to me, right?
5920
03:37:55,403 --> 03:37:56,774
Like, well, not this new one.
5921
03:37:56,774 --> 03:37:57,695
That's the second trilogy.
5922
03:37:57,695 --> 03:38:00,017
But the first one, that's
the fucking trilogy.
5923
03:38:00,017 --> 03:38:02,600
That's why it was so
disheartening to live
5924
03:38:02,600 --> 03:38:04,722
through the "Lord of the
Rings" over the last few years
5925
03:38:04,722 --> 03:38:07,215
because suddenly that became
the trilogy to a lot of people.
5926
03:38:07,215 --> 03:38:08,646
People are like, have
you seen the trilogy?
5927
03:38:08,646 --> 03:38:09,947
I was like, yeah, I saw
it when I was a kid.
5928
03:38:09,947 --> 03:38:10,648
They're like, no.
5929
03:38:10,648 --> 03:38:11,609
The "Rings."
5930
03:38:11,609 --> 03:38:14,222
I was like, motherfucker,
there is one trilogy.
5931
03:38:14,222 --> 03:38:15,353
There's not fucking
more than one.
5932
03:38:15,353 --> 03:38:16,824
Because "Star Wars,"
you know, it's
5933
03:38:16,824 --> 03:38:18,166
an adventure fucking story.
5934
03:38:18,166 --> 03:38:19,997
Well, those "Lord of the
Rings" movies, as good as they
5935
03:38:19,997 --> 03:38:21,629
looked, and as
wonderful a director
5936
03:38:21,629 --> 03:38:23,471
I think Peter Jackson is--
because I'm a huge fan
5937
03:38:23,471 --> 03:38:25,303
of "Heavenly Creatures."
5938
03:38:25,303 --> 03:38:27,215
They're fucking
movies about walking.
5939
03:38:31,439 --> 03:38:32,160
You know I'm right.
5940
03:38:32,160 --> 03:38:34,302
Because people go, he's right.
5941
03:38:34,302 --> 03:38:35,002
That's it.
5942
03:38:35,002 --> 03:38:38,776
It's just three fucking movies
about motherfuckers walking.
5943
03:38:38,776 --> 03:38:40,708
And they're all walking
to a fucking mountain
5944
03:38:40,708 --> 03:38:41,439
to pitch a ring in it.
5945
03:38:41,439 --> 03:38:42,140
You know, that's it.
5946
03:38:42,140 --> 03:38:43,121
To a volcano.
5947
03:38:43,121 --> 03:38:44,502
That's all they do is walk.
5948
03:38:44,502 --> 03:38:45,713
The first movie is fucking this.
5949
03:38:49,357 --> 03:38:50,057
That's it.
5950
03:38:50,057 --> 03:38:51,889
That's the whole
fucking first movie.
5951
03:38:51,889 --> 03:38:54,862
Second movie is this.
5952
03:38:54,862 --> 03:38:58,826
[LAUGHTER]
5953
03:38:58,826 --> 03:39:00,808
And the fucking third movie is--
5954
03:39:05,763 --> 03:39:09,727
[APPLAUSE]
5955
03:39:16,174 --> 03:39:18,286
So I couldn't understand what
all the fucking excitement
5956
03:39:18,286 --> 03:39:19,036
was about.
5957
03:39:19,036 --> 03:39:21,018
Three movies about
fucking walking.
5958
03:39:21,018 --> 03:39:25,233
And then that third movie
had 46 endings to it.
5959
03:39:25,233 --> 03:39:27,605
Like that movie just kept
ending and ending and ending.
5960
03:39:27,605 --> 03:39:29,537
Like there's a point, you
pitch the ring in the lava,
5961
03:39:29,537 --> 03:39:31,088
shit's done.
5962
03:39:31,088 --> 03:39:32,410
Send me the fuck home.
5963
03:39:32,410 --> 03:39:33,541
You know, it's finished.
5964
03:39:33,541 --> 03:39:35,052
The walk is over.
5965
03:39:35,052 --> 03:39:37,195
You know, unless you're going
to do a trilogy about the walk
5966
03:39:37,195 --> 03:39:39,627
back.
5967
03:39:39,627 --> 03:39:40,618
But it kept going.
5968
03:39:40,618 --> 03:39:41,979
Like first they
pitched the ring in,
5969
03:39:41,979 --> 03:39:43,591
and then fucking
Gollum shows up.
5970
03:39:43,591 --> 03:39:44,612
And then they fucking fight.
5971
03:39:44,612 --> 03:39:46,053
And then a bird picks
them up, and then
5972
03:39:46,053 --> 03:39:48,406
they take them back
to the Hobbit land
5973
03:39:48,406 --> 03:39:49,967
and shit-- the shire.
5974
03:39:49,967 --> 03:39:51,098
And then, fucking
all of a sudden,
5975
03:39:51,098 --> 03:39:52,340
somebody's like, we got to go.
5976
03:39:52,340 --> 03:39:53,150
We're catching a boat.
5977
03:39:53,150 --> 03:39:53,931
Like, what?
5978
03:39:53,931 --> 03:39:54,782
What?
5979
03:39:54,782 --> 03:39:56,874
What does that have to
do with any of this?
5980
03:39:56,874 --> 03:39:58,035
You got to stick behind, man.
5981
03:39:58,035 --> 03:39:59,056
You take care of the book.
5982
03:39:59,056 --> 03:40:00,778
And the end of movie's
a dude literally
5983
03:40:00,778 --> 03:40:03,401
writing in a book, which is
like the least cinematic thing
5984
03:40:03,401 --> 03:40:04,292
you could possibly do.
5985
03:40:04,292 --> 03:40:05,923
And I know because
I make the least
5986
03:40:05,923 --> 03:40:07,715
cinematic movies imaginable.
5987
03:40:07,715 --> 03:40:09,667
Like this move that was all
about grandeur and fucking
5988
03:40:09,667 --> 03:40:11,499
amazing creatures and
shit, ends with a dude
5989
03:40:11,499 --> 03:40:17,305
going-- and then they all got
on a boat, which is something
5990
03:40:17,305 --> 03:40:21,809
we just showed you,
and went someplace
5991
03:40:21,809 --> 03:40:25,693
where apparently Sam can't go.
5992
03:40:25,693 --> 03:40:31,729
But that left me to be
the pimp of the shire.
5993
03:40:34,682 --> 03:40:37,405
The movie ends with
him writing a book.
5994
03:40:37,405 --> 03:40:39,817
And dudes going off on a boat
to Never-Never Land and shit.
5995
03:40:39,817 --> 03:40:41,319
Like, it's so weak.
5996
03:40:41,319 --> 03:40:43,591
The ending in that movie I
thought was rather clear.
5997
03:40:43,591 --> 03:40:47,094
I thought it was the moment when
Frodo wakes up from his coma,
5998
03:40:47,094 --> 03:40:49,166
you know, or whatever
he was in and shit.
5999
03:40:49,166 --> 03:40:51,238
And the little hobbits,
the little gay hobbits,
6000
03:40:51,238 --> 03:40:53,561
are jumping up and
down on the bed.
6001
03:40:53,561 --> 03:40:54,662
Merry and Pippin, whatever.
6002
03:40:54,662 --> 03:40:58,756
And, um-- because they
were clearly fucking gay.
6003
03:40:58,756 --> 03:40:59,847
They're fucking--
6004
03:40:59,847 --> 03:41:01,539
You know, it's the
first time in the movie
6005
03:41:01,539 --> 03:41:03,261
people aren't walking.
6006
03:41:03,261 --> 03:41:05,753
Because instead, they're
bouncing on the bed.
6007
03:41:05,753 --> 03:41:06,464
I mean, admit it.
6008
03:41:06,464 --> 03:41:08,496
Even the trees in that
fucking movie walked.
6009
03:41:12,630 --> 03:41:14,932
So the little gay hobbits are
hopping up and down on the bed
6010
03:41:14,932 --> 03:41:16,604
and shit, and then fucking--
you know, everyone's
6011
03:41:16,604 --> 03:41:18,556
happy that Frodo's alive.
6012
03:41:18,556 --> 03:41:22,340
And then Sam pimps
into the room and just
6013
03:41:22,340 --> 03:41:23,851
leans against the door jamb.
6014
03:41:23,851 --> 03:41:25,543
And he's looking at
his boy in the bed.
6015
03:41:25,543 --> 03:41:27,114
And his boy makes
eye contact with him.
6016
03:41:27,114 --> 03:41:29,146
Frodo and Sam looking
at each other.
6017
03:41:29,146 --> 03:41:31,309
And you just get this
feeling, like they're looking
6018
03:41:31,309 --> 03:41:32,510
at each other and
they're just like,
6019
03:41:32,510 --> 03:41:34,702
we've been through
some fucking shit.
6020
03:41:34,702 --> 03:41:37,104
Granted, we walked a lot.
6021
03:41:37,104 --> 03:41:38,265
But we've seen some shit.
6022
03:41:38,265 --> 03:41:39,427
And we took the ring.
6023
03:41:39,427 --> 03:41:42,199
And fucking two hobbits
saved Middle Earth.
6024
03:41:42,199 --> 03:41:44,131
You and I, we saw spiders.
6025
03:41:44,131 --> 03:41:45,723
We saw giant fucking birds.
6026
03:41:45,723 --> 03:41:46,884
We saw a lot of shit.
6027
03:41:46,884 --> 03:41:48,185
You and I have been
through the shit.
6028
03:41:48,185 --> 03:41:51,559
Like two Vietnam vets who made
it out of Da Nang and shit.
6029
03:41:51,559 --> 03:41:53,511
Like, we did it, Frodo.
6030
03:41:53,511 --> 03:41:55,823
And they share
this fucking look.
6031
03:41:55,823 --> 03:41:57,745
That's the end of
the movie, to me.
6032
03:41:57,745 --> 03:41:59,867
That's a beautiful
way to go out.
6033
03:41:59,867 --> 03:42:02,289
And if you really wanted to
fucking like blow the mind
6034
03:42:02,289 --> 03:42:04,442
of the Academy-- because that's
the movie that won the Academy
6035
03:42:04,442 --> 03:42:06,213
Award for Best Picture.
6036
03:42:06,213 --> 03:42:08,195
And it was a foregone
conclusion that the movie
6037
03:42:08,195 --> 03:42:10,217
was going to make a
gazillion bucks, right?
6038
03:42:10,217 --> 03:42:11,429
Like, everyone was
going to go see
6039
03:42:11,429 --> 03:42:13,621
that fucking movie because
they went to see the first two.
6040
03:42:13,621 --> 03:42:14,982
I always thought
Peter Jackson should
6041
03:42:14,982 --> 03:42:19,096
have just completely fucking
taken a left at that point,
6042
03:42:19,096 --> 03:42:19,797
you know?
6043
03:42:19,797 --> 03:42:22,560
Because it's like every-- that's
the tail end of the movie.
6044
03:42:22,560 --> 03:42:25,453
Everybody has seen the
fucking adventure story.
6045
03:42:25,453 --> 03:42:26,474
You've gotten all the box.
6046
03:42:26,474 --> 03:42:29,677
Office Why not just
go fucking nuts?
6047
03:42:29,677 --> 03:42:31,869
Like, just do something that
like nobody was expecting.
6048
03:42:31,869 --> 03:42:33,441
All the people that know
the books really well,
6049
03:42:33,441 --> 03:42:34,932
all the people who
are real hardcore fans
6050
03:42:34,932 --> 03:42:36,564
of the other movies--
like instead,
6051
03:42:36,564 --> 03:42:38,035
fucking Frodo's looking at Sam.
6052
03:42:38,035 --> 03:42:39,467
Sam's looking at Frodo.
6053
03:42:39,467 --> 03:42:41,979
And then Sam tells Merry
and Pippin to take a hike.
6054
03:42:44,672 --> 03:42:49,056
And then Sam goes over and sucks
the fucking cock off Frodo.
6055
03:42:49,056 --> 03:42:56,193
Like just a hardcore--
just this amazing fucking,
6056
03:42:56,193 --> 03:43:00,638
awe-inspiring,
luscious blow job scene
6057
03:43:00,638 --> 03:43:02,750
between these two hobbits.
6058
03:43:02,750 --> 03:43:09,967
Like, just to watch the audience
go, what the fuck happened?
6059
03:43:09,967 --> 03:43:11,749
Like, did you fucking--
the little guy
6060
03:43:11,749 --> 03:43:13,671
is blowing the little guy.
6061
03:43:13,671 --> 03:43:17,324
Fucking Jackson
has lost his mind.
6062
03:43:17,324 --> 03:43:19,617
And just like a
10-minute version of it.
6063
03:43:19,617 --> 03:43:21,619
Like from a real
porno fucking scene.
6064
03:43:21,619 --> 03:43:23,200
Just fucking like working it.
6065
03:43:23,200 --> 03:43:27,114
And fucking-- and no
music, just stark.
6066
03:43:27,114 --> 03:43:28,996
So you're just hearing like--
6067
03:43:34,161 --> 03:43:37,214
People would just be
like, what the fuck?
6068
03:43:37,214 --> 03:43:38,596
Like it would be amazing.
6069
03:43:38,596 --> 03:43:39,977
I would give that
dude the Academy
6070
03:43:39,977 --> 03:43:41,118
Award right then and there.
6071
03:43:41,118 --> 03:43:43,030
I'd be like that's the
bravest fucking move I've ever
6072
03:43:43,030 --> 03:43:44,472
seen in a mainstream movie.
6073
03:43:44,472 --> 03:43:49,186
Congratulations, you
insane, glorious bastard.
6074
03:43:49,186 --> 03:43:51,048
And at the end of
it all, fucking Sam
6075
03:43:51,048 --> 03:43:54,411
just bricks in Frodo's mouth.
6076
03:43:54,411 --> 03:43:56,514
Credits.
6077
03:43:56,514 --> 03:43:59,917
[APPLAUSE]
6078
03:44:07,705 --> 03:44:11,238
This is why they-- they don't
let me direct other movies.
6079
03:44:11,238 --> 03:44:11,939
Um, OK.
6080
03:44:11,939 --> 03:44:13,440
We've heard about
Jen's "Playboy" shoot,
6081
03:44:13,440 --> 03:44:16,333
but I was wondering if you'd
tell us-- sorry, am I too loud?
6082
03:44:16,333 --> 03:44:18,746
Who the fuck is talking?
6083
03:44:18,746 --> 03:44:20,367
Is that you?
6084
03:44:20,367 --> 03:44:21,058
You?
6085
03:44:21,058 --> 03:44:24,341
I didn't even see
your lips moving.
6086
03:44:24,341 --> 03:44:26,604
Are you a ventriloquist dummy?
6087
03:44:26,604 --> 03:44:27,394
That was awesome.
6088
03:44:27,394 --> 03:44:29,016
Or the ventriloquist rather.
6089
03:44:29,016 --> 03:44:29,717
AUDIENCE: Maybe.
6090
03:44:29,717 --> 03:44:30,187
Right on.
6091
03:44:30,187 --> 03:44:31,058
Try again, sorry.
6092
03:44:31,058 --> 03:44:33,130
I was just wondering if you'd
like to tell us about there was
6093
03:44:33,130 --> 03:44:36,143
a cartoon strip you did, a
very sweet story about you
6094
03:44:36,143 --> 03:44:36,844
and Jen's first kiss.
6095
03:44:36,844 --> 03:44:38,075
And I was just
wondering if you could
6096
03:44:38,075 --> 03:44:39,657
tell us how that came about.
6097
03:44:39,657 --> 03:44:41,879
Because I thought
it was really nice.
6098
03:44:41,879 --> 03:44:43,060
It was kind of sweet.
6099
03:44:43,060 --> 03:44:45,523
Not a real entertaining story.
6100
03:44:45,523 --> 03:44:46,614
But sweet, nonetheless.
6101
03:44:46,614 --> 03:44:48,285
Uh, "New York Times"
magazine had asked me
6102
03:44:48,285 --> 03:44:50,938
to do a fashion issue for them.
6103
03:44:50,938 --> 03:44:52,289
They were doing this
big fashion issue.
6104
03:44:52,289 --> 03:44:54,301
And they're like, we hear
you write comic books.
6105
03:44:54,301 --> 03:44:57,314
Um, do you want to write a
story that involves fashion?
6106
03:44:57,314 --> 03:44:58,906
And I was like, um, all right.
6107
03:44:58,906 --> 03:45:00,377
Are we allowed to use
comic book characters?
6108
03:45:00,377 --> 03:45:01,929
Like, you know,
Spiderman, and fucking
6109
03:45:01,929 --> 03:45:03,380
Daredevil, and Green Arrow.
6110
03:45:03,380 --> 03:45:04,922
They said no.
6111
03:45:04,922 --> 03:45:05,923
I was like, all right.
6112
03:45:05,923 --> 03:45:07,424
Well, can I write
about the first time
6113
03:45:07,424 --> 03:45:09,777
I met my wife for-- first
time we kind of fell in love?
6114
03:45:09,777 --> 03:45:10,828
She was like, OK.
6115
03:45:10,828 --> 03:45:13,200
And so I wrote that and
Joe Quesada drew it.
6116
03:45:13,200 --> 03:45:15,412
And we worked every
outfit she wore.
6117
03:45:15,412 --> 03:45:16,764
And each panel was
different, but it
6118
03:45:16,764 --> 03:45:19,627
was based on real clothing
and shit like that.
6119
03:45:19,627 --> 03:45:22,610
So we got the original artwork
hanged-- hung up in our house,
6120
03:45:22,610 --> 03:45:23,310
all framed.
6121
03:45:23,310 --> 03:45:24,642
And it's hung up and shit.
6122
03:45:24,642 --> 03:45:26,263
But it was the sweetest
thing in the world.
6123
03:45:26,263 --> 03:45:27,865
It was a tough thing to top.
6124
03:45:27,865 --> 03:45:29,617
Because one day I was
just like, surprise.
6125
03:45:29,617 --> 03:45:32,760
And there was this little
nine-page comic strip about,
6126
03:45:32,760 --> 03:45:36,033
you know, how we met and
fell in love in the "New
6127
03:45:36,033 --> 03:45:37,494
York Times" magazine section.
6128
03:45:37,494 --> 03:45:38,706
And she was like, oh my god.
6129
03:45:38,706 --> 03:45:40,467
It's not 2 o'clock,
but let's fuck.
6130
03:45:40,467 --> 03:45:42,650
You know.
6131
03:45:42,650 --> 03:45:44,862
But, uh, tough to top that.
6132
03:45:44,862 --> 03:45:46,924
After that, you give her things
and she's like, it's great.
6133
03:45:46,924 --> 03:45:48,205
It's no "New York
Times" magazine.
6134
03:45:48,205 --> 03:45:50,317
You know, shit like that.
6135
03:45:50,317 --> 03:45:51,118
Cheers.
6136
03:45:51,118 --> 03:45:51,819
Cheers, sir.
6137
03:45:53,931 --> 03:45:55,302
AUDIENCE: I was just
wondering, I've seen
6138
03:45:55,302 --> 03:45:56,864
the "Degrassi" episode you did.
6139
03:45:56,864 --> 03:45:57,565
Yes.
6140
03:45:57,565 --> 03:45:59,366
And you're playing,
I guess, sort
6141
03:45:59,366 --> 03:46:00,798
of yourself but not yourself.
6142
03:46:00,798 --> 03:46:01,919
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
6143
03:46:01,919 --> 03:46:04,141
Have you since then been
offered any other roles, which
6144
03:46:04,141 --> 03:46:05,713
I mean, you personall--
I know Jason's answered
6145
03:46:05,713 --> 03:46:09,446
this-- which are slightly
more dramatic and not so much
6146
03:46:09,446 --> 03:46:10,357
Silent Bob?
6147
03:46:10,357 --> 03:46:13,190
No, nobody offers
me acting work ever.
6148
03:46:13,190 --> 03:46:14,101
Ever.
6149
03:46:14,101 --> 03:46:15,673
So no offers
whatsoever since then?
6150
03:46:15,673 --> 03:46:16,373
No.
6151
03:46:16,373 --> 03:46:17,494
Well, "Degrassi" just aired.
6152
03:46:17,494 --> 03:46:18,946
But even then, no.
6153
03:46:18,946 --> 03:46:20,848
I mean, I could probably-- I
tried to convince the people
6154
03:46:20,848 --> 03:46:23,881
in, uh, CTV, the
broadcasters in Canada,
6155
03:46:23,881 --> 03:46:29,526
to do a spin-off of "Degrassi"
where I keep playing myself.
6156
03:46:29,526 --> 03:46:30,407
Not much luck with it?
6157
03:46:30,407 --> 03:46:32,169
They weren't into it.
6158
03:46:32,169 --> 03:46:32,890
AUDIENCE: OK.
6159
03:46:32,890 --> 03:46:33,591
Thank you.
6160
03:46:33,591 --> 03:46:34,291
Thank you.
6161
03:46:37,104 --> 03:46:37,805
Yes, sir.
6162
03:46:37,805 --> 03:46:38,305
You.
6163
03:46:38,305 --> 03:46:38,996
AUDIENCE: Right.
6164
03:46:38,996 --> 03:46:41,989
Um, I've just got a question
about, um-- what do you think,
6165
03:46:41,989 --> 03:46:43,330
sort of out of all
of your movies,
6166
03:46:43,330 --> 03:46:46,093
do you think there's a
scene that sort of sums up
6167
03:46:46,093 --> 03:46:47,845
how you sort of view the world?
6168
03:46:47,845 --> 03:46:51,578
Sort of, what is your-- perhaps
a scene that sort of says,
6169
03:46:51,578 --> 03:46:53,791
that's really what I
want to say in movies.
6170
03:46:53,791 --> 03:46:55,542
And for Jay, what is
your favorite scene out
6171
03:46:55,542 --> 03:46:56,684
of all the movies you've done?
6172
03:46:56,684 --> 03:47:00,698
That you think, I really,
really liked that scene.
6173
03:47:00,698 --> 03:47:03,310
The scene that kind of sums up
my entire body of work I think
6174
03:47:03,310 --> 03:47:07,334
is when Silent Bob's
swinging off a rope.
6175
03:47:07,334 --> 03:47:12,289
[LAUGHTER]
6176
03:47:12,289 --> 03:47:13,771
Puts his head in
the changing room
6177
03:47:13,771 --> 03:47:17,404
and catches a glimpse
of a pair of titties.
6178
03:47:17,404 --> 03:47:19,516
That really sums me up best.
6179
03:47:24,331 --> 03:47:25,032
I don't know.
6180
03:47:25,032 --> 03:47:26,453
Was that-- that scene
wound up getting
6181
03:47:26,453 --> 03:47:28,696
cut out when we were talking to
two hookers in "Jay and Bob?"
6182
03:47:28,696 --> 03:47:29,496
Yeah, that was cut out.
6183
03:47:29,496 --> 03:47:30,998
But was it on the DVD?
6184
03:47:30,998 --> 03:47:32,609
It was on the DVD.
6185
03:47:32,609 --> 03:47:34,702
So you know the scene,
uh-- you tell what scene.
6186
03:47:34,702 --> 03:47:36,263
But that's the scene I enjoyed.
6187
03:47:36,263 --> 03:47:38,455
I really liked that scene,
even though it got cut out.
6188
03:47:38,455 --> 03:47:41,679
But I think it's on
the extras on the DVD,
6189
03:47:41,679 --> 03:47:44,291
even though I haven't seen
the extras on the DVD.
6190
03:47:44,291 --> 03:47:44,992
So I didn't know.
6191
03:47:44,992 --> 03:47:45,332
I know.
6192
03:47:45,332 --> 03:47:46,533
I think it's great
that you're like,
6193
03:47:46,533 --> 03:47:47,574
was that scene in the movie?
6194
03:47:47,574 --> 03:47:49,186
Well, I knew it
wasn't in the movie,
6195
03:47:49,186 --> 03:47:51,578
but I wasn't sure if it was
on the extras on the DVD.
6196
03:47:51,578 --> 03:47:53,841
Because I don't-- I don't
really watch the extras so much.
6197
03:47:53,841 --> 03:47:55,642
Sometimes, a little bit.
6198
03:47:55,642 --> 03:47:58,495
Not into the commentary
tracks and shit?
6199
03:47:58,495 --> 03:47:59,196
Don't want to know?
6200
03:47:59,196 --> 03:48:00,778
Don't want to see
behind-the curtain?
6201
03:48:00,778 --> 03:48:01,909
Ben behind the curtain?
-No.
6202
03:48:01,909 --> 03:48:03,060
Because then it all goes away.
6203
03:48:03,060 --> 03:48:05,232
This is real to
me, these movies.
6204
03:48:08,095 --> 03:48:10,127
Every once in a while he wakes
up in the middle of the night
6205
03:48:10,127 --> 03:48:13,120
going, poop monster.
6206
03:48:13,120 --> 03:48:13,891
He was chasing me.
6207
03:48:13,891 --> 03:48:16,473
We got to run.
6208
03:48:16,473 --> 03:48:18,896
Does he know what scene
before you cut him off?
6209
03:48:18,896 --> 03:48:20,427
Do you know what scene
I'm talking about, sir?
6210
03:48:20,427 --> 03:48:20,768
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
6211
03:48:20,768 --> 03:48:21,468
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah.
6212
03:48:21,468 --> 03:48:24,191
Unlike you, he's
familiar with the DVD.
6213
03:48:24,191 --> 03:48:25,412
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
6214
03:48:25,412 --> 03:48:27,815
JASON MEWES: Maybe he
didn't see it, though.
6215
03:48:27,815 --> 03:48:28,645
Thanks.
6216
03:48:28,645 --> 03:48:29,416
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
6217
03:48:29,416 --> 03:48:31,949
JASON MEWES: Thank you, sir.
6218
03:48:31,949 --> 03:48:34,371
AUDIENCE: Yeah, it's just
a quick one about funding.
6219
03:48:34,371 --> 03:48:35,552
Now, are you at
the stage in your--
6220
03:48:35,552 --> 03:48:36,383
About funding?
6221
03:48:36,383 --> 03:48:37,084
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
6222
03:48:37,084 --> 03:48:38,475
Are you at the
stage in your career
6223
03:48:38,475 --> 03:48:40,037
now that you could just--
6224
03:48:40,037 --> 03:48:42,039
Sir, we want to go
out on a good one,
6225
03:48:42,039 --> 03:48:45,062
not like I have a
question about financing.
6226
03:48:45,062 --> 03:48:47,805
Have you ever sat in the office
with the suits and they said,
6227
03:48:47,805 --> 03:48:49,296
you know, he's here again.
6228
03:48:49,296 --> 03:48:51,739
The guy who keeps promising to
make the "Titanic" of comedy,
6229
03:48:51,739 --> 03:48:54,551
but keeps delivering
"The Avengers."
6230
03:48:54,551 --> 03:48:57,724
[BOOING]
6231
03:48:57,724 --> 03:48:58,535
I-- what?
6232
03:48:58,535 --> 03:48:59,656
Wait, what?
6233
03:48:59,656 --> 03:49:01,889
AUDIENCE: Kick his ass.
6234
03:49:01,889 --> 03:49:04,651
Were-- were you picking on me?
6235
03:49:04,651 --> 03:49:05,502
Just a question.
6236
03:49:05,502 --> 03:49:07,324
The "Ti-- what is the--
6237
03:49:07,324 --> 03:49:09,596
You know, the "Titanic,"
bring in the mega-bucks.
6238
03:49:09,596 --> 03:49:11,078
Have-- have you
ever been sat down
6239
03:49:11,078 --> 03:49:13,140
and said, if your next
film doesn't deliver,
6240
03:49:13,140 --> 03:49:14,051
that's the end of the road?
6241
03:49:14,051 --> 03:49:15,212
Oh, has anyone-- oh, OK.
6242
03:49:15,212 --> 03:49:16,493
Now "The Avengers" of comedy.
6243
03:49:16,493 --> 03:49:18,025
I was like, what?
6244
03:49:18,025 --> 03:49:19,056
What, what, what?
6245
03:49:19,056 --> 03:49:20,998
And fuck you, by the way.
6246
03:49:20,998 --> 03:49:22,950
[LAUGHTER]
6247
03:49:22,950 --> 03:49:29,616
[APPLAUSE]
6248
03:49:29,616 --> 03:49:30,737
No, it doesn't work like that.
6249
03:49:30,737 --> 03:49:32,029
And here's a brief
kind of education
6250
03:49:32,029 --> 03:49:33,120
in the movie business.
6251
03:49:33,120 --> 03:49:35,702
Theatrical release of any movie
doesn't really fucking matter.
6252
03:49:35,702 --> 03:49:39,596
Essentially, now in the
days of DVD and, you know,
6253
03:49:39,596 --> 03:49:41,438
revenue streams that
continue going long
6254
03:49:41,438 --> 03:49:44,011
after the theatrical life
of a film, theatrical
6255
03:49:44,011 --> 03:49:46,443
is one big commercial
for your DVD release.
6256
03:49:46,443 --> 03:49:48,675
Because theatrical
box office, studio
6257
03:49:48,675 --> 03:49:49,957
doesn't even take 100% of it.
6258
03:49:49,957 --> 03:49:50,868
They only take like, what?
6259
03:49:50,868 --> 03:49:52,279
45%?
6260
03:49:52,279 --> 03:49:54,201
Because the exhibitors
get the rest.
6261
03:49:54,201 --> 03:49:55,803
And sometimes, they,
of course, have
6262
03:49:55,803 --> 03:49:59,066
to split up back end of a
feature as well with some stars
6263
03:49:59,066 --> 03:50:00,397
who were involved, or whatever.
6264
03:50:00,397 --> 03:50:02,109
So theatrical life,
it doesn't matter-- I,
6265
03:50:02,109 --> 03:50:04,621
mean the more you make
at the box office, great.
6266
03:50:04,621 --> 03:50:07,124
It just means that there's
more interest on DVD.
6267
03:50:07,124 --> 03:50:09,456
But ultimately, the
real money is in DVD.
6268
03:50:09,456 --> 03:50:11,949
So we've always done really,
really well on video.
6269
03:50:11,949 --> 03:50:13,020
That's why I continue to work.
6270
03:50:13,020 --> 03:50:14,822
So there's never been this
scenario-- because I always
6271
03:50:14,822 --> 03:50:16,473
read about critics
of mine, people
6272
03:50:16,473 --> 03:50:18,805
who hate me on the internet,
who are just like, this is it.
6273
03:50:18,805 --> 03:50:19,877
After this one, he's done.
6274
03:50:19,877 --> 03:50:21,018
They'll never let
him work again.
6275
03:50:21,018 --> 03:50:21,718
Woo-hoo.
6276
03:50:21,718 --> 03:50:22,659
Silent Bob's dead.
6277
03:50:22,659 --> 03:50:24,141
Long live me, internet guy.
6278
03:50:24,141 --> 03:50:26,333
You know.
6279
03:50:26,333 --> 03:50:27,955
And it's just like, you
sit there chuckling.
6280
03:50:27,955 --> 03:50:29,056
Because it's like,
dude, you have
6281
03:50:29,056 --> 03:50:30,767
no idea how this shit works.
6282
03:50:30,767 --> 03:50:32,569
Like, I'll never not
have a fucking job.
6283
03:50:32,569 --> 03:50:35,212
Because I never really
make expensive movies.
6284
03:50:35,212 --> 03:50:37,024
And as long as I
can always make back
6285
03:50:37,024 --> 03:50:39,396
the initial investment
plus a little on top,
6286
03:50:39,396 --> 03:50:40,557
I'll always work.
6287
03:50:40,557 --> 03:50:41,388
Like, that's the secret.
6288
03:50:41,388 --> 03:50:43,150
The secret is just not
spend a lot of money.
6289
03:50:43,150 --> 03:50:44,251
Or really,
essentially the secret
6290
03:50:44,251 --> 03:50:46,343
is to not lose
anybody a lot of money
6291
03:50:46,343 --> 03:50:48,355
and to make them a
little bit of profit.
6292
03:50:48,355 --> 03:50:50,337
Because then they'll
keep you around.
6293
03:50:50,337 --> 03:50:51,959
If you could turn even
a tiny profit for them,
6294
03:50:51,959 --> 03:50:53,220
they'll keep you
around because that's
6295
03:50:53,220 --> 03:50:54,681
better than losing money.
6296
03:50:54,681 --> 03:50:57,344
So every movie we've done
has eventually returned.
6297
03:50:57,344 --> 03:50:58,505
And some return a lot.
6298
03:50:58,505 --> 03:51:00,597
Like "Jay and Silent Bob Strike
Back," we did $30 million
6299
03:51:00,597 --> 03:51:01,518
in theaters.
6300
03:51:01,518 --> 03:51:03,230
We did $37 million on DVD.
6301
03:51:03,230 --> 03:51:04,781
You know, and they
were ecstatic.
6302
03:51:04,781 --> 03:51:06,173
They were like,
you guys made more
6303
03:51:06,173 --> 03:51:07,524
on DVD than fucking theatrical.
6304
03:51:07,524 --> 03:51:11,778
Why don't you just make
straight-to-DVD movies?
6305
03:51:11,778 --> 03:51:12,880
Which ain't a bad
idea, you know?
6306
03:51:12,880 --> 03:51:15,312
There would be a lot more
money to be made and a lot less
6307
03:51:15,312 --> 03:51:16,453
risk being taken.
6308
03:51:16,453 --> 03:51:19,796
So I've never had the somebody
sat me down conversation.
6309
03:51:19,796 --> 03:51:21,728
Harvey Weinstein going,
if this one doesn't work,
6310
03:51:21,728 --> 03:51:23,400
you're out of the fucking--
you're out of the club
6311
03:51:23,400 --> 03:51:24,761
and we're putting
you in movie jail.
6312
03:51:24,761 --> 03:51:25,522
You know.
6313
03:51:25,522 --> 03:51:26,833
It doesn't work like that.
6314
03:51:26,833 --> 03:51:27,864
That's why I like the internet.
6315
03:51:27,864 --> 03:51:28,565
It's hysterical.
6316
03:51:28,565 --> 03:51:30,397
Everyone's got a theory
about how shit really work.
6317
03:51:30,397 --> 03:51:32,869
And it's just like, no.
6318
03:51:32,869 --> 03:51:33,680
So I'll continue.
6319
03:51:33,680 --> 03:51:36,273
I mean, the movies-- as long
as they make this much money,
6320
03:51:36,273 --> 03:51:37,935
I'll continue to make shit.
6321
03:51:37,935 --> 03:51:40,867
It's the day that I make
like the $80 million
6322
03:51:40,867 --> 03:51:42,439
movie that makes $2.
6323
03:51:42,439 --> 03:51:45,452
You know, that's when
you're like-- but you
6324
03:51:45,452 --> 03:51:47,985
know, I'm smart enough to
avoid that and shit like that.
6325
03:51:47,985 --> 03:51:50,417
So me, I like to keep my
shit kind of inexpensive.
6326
03:51:50,417 --> 03:51:53,250
And even "Jersey Girl,"
which was like a lot for us,
6327
03:51:53,250 --> 03:51:56,353
$35 million, was
kind of average,
6328
03:51:56,353 --> 03:51:58,885
or below average
for a studio film.
6329
03:51:58,885 --> 03:52:01,999
Like most studio movies
now cost about $40, $45.
6330
03:52:01,999 --> 03:52:03,490
And ours was like $35.
6331
03:52:03,490 --> 03:52:04,911
And really, the
whole movie wouldn't
6332
03:52:04,911 --> 03:52:07,975
have cost that if Affleck
didn't get paid $10 million
6333
03:52:07,975 --> 03:52:12,389
to essentially
fuck-up our movie.
6334
03:52:12,389 --> 03:52:14,992
So you know, without Affleck
getting paid $10 million,
6335
03:52:14,992 --> 03:52:15,902
Jennifer got $4.
6336
03:52:15,902 --> 03:52:17,654
The movie would have cost
around $20, $21 to make,
6337
03:52:17,654 --> 03:52:19,026
which is pretty much
what "Jay and Silent
6338
03:52:19,026 --> 03:52:21,028
Bob Strike Back" cost to make.
6339
03:52:21,028 --> 03:52:22,459
So I tend to keep
my shit responsible.
6340
03:52:22,459 --> 03:52:25,352
And because of that, I'll
keep fucking working.
6341
03:52:25,352 --> 03:52:27,314
I don't have to
deliver the "Titanic."
6342
03:52:27,314 --> 03:52:28,976
I keep giving them
"The Avengers"
6343
03:52:28,976 --> 03:52:30,707
and they're like, bring it on.
6344
03:52:30,707 --> 03:52:35,412
"Avengers 9."
6345
03:52:35,412 --> 03:52:36,113
Someone else.
6346
03:52:36,113 --> 03:52:37,284
That was good, but not great.
6347
03:52:37,284 --> 03:52:37,985
Yes.
6348
03:52:37,985 --> 03:52:38,685
AUDIENCE: Hi.
6349
03:52:38,685 --> 03:52:40,527
By the way, congratulations
on the English accent.
6350
03:52:40,527 --> 03:52:41,328
It's spot-on.
6351
03:52:41,328 --> 03:52:42,299
Was it good?
6352
03:52:42,299 --> 03:52:43,000
AUDIENCE: Definitely.
6353
03:52:43,000 --> 03:52:45,973
That's from watching
a lot of Eddie Izzard.
6354
03:52:45,973 --> 03:52:47,324
Um, my question was about Jen.
6355
03:52:47,324 --> 03:52:49,536
I remember her writing
something about, um,
6356
03:52:49,536 --> 03:52:51,408
when she was going into labor.
6357
03:52:51,408 --> 03:52:52,109
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
6358
03:52:52,109 --> 03:52:54,571
You flew her across
from LA to New Jersey.
6359
03:52:54,571 --> 03:52:55,272
KEVIN SMITH: Uh-huh.
6360
03:52:55,272 --> 03:52:57,174
And I was just wondering why
it was so important for you
6361
03:52:57,174 --> 03:52:58,965
for Harley to be
born in New Jersey?
6362
03:52:58,965 --> 03:53:00,787
Well, we were in Los
Angeles and she was--
6363
03:53:00,787 --> 03:53:01,718
they don't let-- it's weird.
6364
03:53:01,718 --> 03:53:03,190
This is something you
only find out when you
6365
03:53:03,190 --> 03:53:05,582
hang out with pregnant chicks.
6366
03:53:05,582 --> 03:53:07,794
They don't let pregnant
women on airplanes
6367
03:53:07,794 --> 03:53:09,256
if they're very close to term.
6368
03:53:09,256 --> 03:53:11,438
If you're like nine months, they
won't let you on an airplane.
6369
03:53:11,438 --> 03:53:12,639
Because they don't
want-- especially
6370
03:53:12,639 --> 03:53:13,490
a cross-country jaunt.
6371
03:53:13,490 --> 03:53:15,782
Because they don't want to
run the risk of you going
6372
03:53:15,782 --> 03:53:18,485
into labor in the air and them
having to land in a cornfield,
6373
03:53:18,485 --> 03:53:19,756
or some such shit.
6374
03:53:19,756 --> 03:53:20,907
So they tend to keep them off.
6375
03:53:20,907 --> 03:53:24,081
And Jennifer, her water broke
when we were in Los Angeles
6376
03:53:24,081 --> 03:53:26,623
and they wanted her
to go to the hospital.
6377
03:53:26,623 --> 03:53:28,765
You know, get ready for
the fucking baby and shit.
6378
03:53:28,765 --> 03:53:30,087
And I was like, not out here.
6379
03:53:30,087 --> 03:53:32,069
We're not having a kid born
in fucking Los Angeles.
6380
03:53:32,069 --> 03:53:33,720
Over my dead body.
6381
03:53:33,720 --> 03:53:35,492
And she was like, well, how
are we going to get home?
6382
03:53:35,492 --> 03:53:37,444
And I was like, we'll
figure out a way.
6383
03:53:37,444 --> 03:53:39,816
Scott Mosier, my, producer,
called up Harvey Weinstein
6384
03:53:39,816 --> 03:53:42,139
and was like, uh,
Jen's water just broke
6385
03:53:42,139 --> 03:53:45,582
and Kev really wants her to
have the baby in New Jersey.
6386
03:53:45,582 --> 03:53:49,046
And Harvey was like, uh-huh.
6387
03:53:49,046 --> 03:53:52,749
Scott's like, well,
can we use the jet?
6388
03:53:52,749 --> 03:53:56,693
And he was like, all right.
6389
03:53:56,693 --> 03:53:57,524
So they sent the jet.
6390
03:53:57,524 --> 03:53:58,225
Jet for us.
6391
03:53:58,225 --> 03:53:59,356
And we got on the jet.
6392
03:53:59,356 --> 03:54:02,519
And it was me, and Jen,
and Mosier, and the guy
6393
03:54:02,519 --> 03:54:03,760
up front driving the jet.
6394
03:54:03,760 --> 03:54:05,692
You know, four and
a half hour flight.
6395
03:54:05,692 --> 03:54:07,584
During which, like
Jen sat in one chair.
6396
03:54:07,584 --> 03:54:10,857
Me and Mosier sat across
from her just like this.
6397
03:54:10,857 --> 03:54:12,519
And every once in a
while, Mosier was like,
6398
03:54:12,519 --> 03:54:13,790
should we get some hot towels?
6399
03:54:13,790 --> 03:54:15,802
Because in TV and movies,
they're always like,
6400
03:54:15,802 --> 03:54:16,583
get some hot towels.
6401
03:54:16,583 --> 03:54:17,284
You know?
6402
03:54:17,284 --> 03:54:20,157
We figured if we had some hot
towels, we'd be good to go.
6403
03:54:20,157 --> 03:54:21,908
Just throw them under
her and let shit drop.
6404
03:54:24,471 --> 03:54:25,722
But we made it all
the way to Jersey.
6405
03:54:25,722 --> 03:54:27,554
And she didn't wind up having
the baby for another week
6406
03:54:27,554 --> 03:54:28,295
and shit like that.
6407
03:54:28,295 --> 03:54:29,576
So it was kind of a false alarm.
6408
03:54:29,576 --> 03:54:31,528
But we got a free
jet ride out of it.
6409
03:54:31,528 --> 03:54:32,629
And we didn't even
get to use it.
6410
03:54:32,629 --> 03:54:33,330
Like, jet.
6411
03:54:33,330 --> 03:54:34,611
You know, we could
have sent Mosier
6412
03:54:34,611 --> 03:54:36,763
into the bathroom, joined
the mile high club and shit.
6413
03:54:36,763 --> 03:54:39,896
But she was all, you know,
preggers and whatnot.
6414
03:54:39,896 --> 03:54:41,108
Do you like LA now?
6415
03:54:41,108 --> 03:54:42,259
Do I like LA now?
6416
03:54:42,259 --> 03:54:44,461
Uh, I like my house,
which happens to be in LA.
6417
03:54:44,461 --> 03:54:47,324
If I could move my house to
New Jersey, that'd be awesome.
6418
03:54:47,324 --> 03:54:49,956
And if we can change the
weather patterns in New Jersey,
6419
03:54:49,956 --> 03:54:51,928
so where it was like
constantly 77 degrees
6420
03:54:51,928 --> 03:54:54,901
like it is in Los Angeles,
that would be awesome, too.
6421
03:54:54,901 --> 03:54:57,604
But not going to happen.
6422
03:54:57,604 --> 03:54:58,305
Thank you.
6423
03:54:58,305 --> 03:54:59,806
KEVIN SMITH: Thank you.
6424
03:54:59,806 --> 03:55:01,338
Um, superpowers.
6425
03:55:01,338 --> 03:55:02,449
What would you have?
6426
03:55:02,449 --> 03:55:03,740
Both of you.
6427
03:55:03,740 --> 03:55:05,572
Superpowers.
6428
03:55:05,572 --> 03:55:07,514
Sir?
6429
03:55:07,514 --> 03:55:10,036
Really?
6430
03:55:10,036 --> 03:55:11,097
Yes, you.
6431
03:55:11,097 --> 03:55:13,740
Uh, oh, you're
asking-- I don't know.
6432
03:55:13,740 --> 03:55:16,223
Um, oh, fuck.
6433
03:55:16,223 --> 03:55:17,744
Fly, I guess.
6434
03:55:17,744 --> 03:55:19,546
I guess I would want to fly.
6435
03:55:19,546 --> 03:55:24,891
[LAUGHTER]
6436
03:55:24,891 --> 03:55:25,722
Such a commitment there.
6437
03:55:25,722 --> 03:55:28,145
I want to fly.
6438
03:55:28,145 --> 03:55:30,977
Just fucking fly.
6439
03:55:30,977 --> 03:55:32,239
Fly.
6440
03:55:32,239 --> 03:55:32,939
Fly.
6441
03:55:32,939 --> 03:55:34,010
I hadn't really thought
about superpower.
6442
03:55:34,010 --> 03:55:36,283
I'd want them all if I really
could fucking have superpowers.
6443
03:55:36,283 --> 03:55:39,746
The ability to be Polish and
American at the same time?
6444
03:55:39,746 --> 03:55:40,707
Maybe.
6445
03:55:40,707 --> 03:55:41,408
Yeah.
6446
03:55:41,408 --> 03:55:43,079
That'd be pretty--
-That wouldn't be super, though.
6447
03:55:43,079 --> 03:55:43,930
That wouldn't be super?
6448
03:55:43,930 --> 03:55:46,703
Super-stretchy cock
would-- I would get that.
6449
03:55:46,703 --> 03:55:48,975
Because then I could have the
big cock and shit all the time.
6450
03:55:48,975 --> 03:55:52,038
And then you
could suck it, too.
6451
03:55:52,038 --> 03:55:53,240
That's it, sir.
6452
03:55:53,240 --> 03:55:54,741
Stretchy cock.
6453
03:55:54,741 --> 03:55:57,143
[APPLAUSE]
6454
03:56:12,459 --> 03:56:16,112
[MUSIC PLAYING]
|